Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Emporio, can you answer this one?” Mrs. Smith asks. She’s standing by the whiteboard and pointing to one of the math problems on it. “Come and put your answer on the board.”

Emporio now notices the small cup she’s holding, a large amount of popsicle sticks in it. In her other hand she’s holding a singular stick, which happens to say ‘Emporio’ on it. After a few seconds of dead silence, Emporio stands up. He walks to the front of the classroom, picking up a dry erase marker and clicking it open. The problem is 90 x 30. He could solve it in his sleep. The marker squeaks as he writes the answer. He closes the marker top and sets it back on the tray. He turns to go back to his seat, but the teacher says, “Can you show your work?”

Emporio resists the urge to roll his eyes. He did it in his head. There’s no work to show. Still, he reopens the marker, writing out his thought process. 9 x 3 is 27. There’s two zeros. The answer is 2700.

The teacher nods, looking at what Emporio’s written. She doesn’t say anything when he sits back down. “So class,” she starts, gesturing towards Emporio’s writing, “do you think this is right?”

Emporio is a little frustrated by the question. Of course it’s right! His classmates seem to have the same sentiment, most of them just looking bored out of their minds. One boy pipes up, “Of course it’s right, Emporio did it.” There’s a weird sense of mockery in it that makes the others laugh. Emporio stays silent.

Mrs. Smith rolls her eyes but continues the lesson, calling a few more people up to write their answers on the board. Emporio stops paying attention after a few questions, almost falling asleep. He wakes up jerkily when the bell rings, signaling the end of class.

“Hey, Emporio.”

Emporio looks up, zipping his backpack as he does. The girl addressing him has her arms cutely held behind her back. She’s got silky hair going past her shoulders and freckles spotting her face. Yeah, she’s cute.

“Uh—hi,” Emporio stammers, standing up and putting his backpack on. He doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t actually know this girl’s name when she knows his.

She doesn’t seem bothered by this, smiling as they start walking out of the classroom together. It isn’t until they’re almost out of the door that she says, “Say, I have a soccer game tonight, so I’m probably not going to be able to do my homework. Do you think maybe you could-”

“Yeah!” Emporio blurts out, nodding his head up and down. The girl smiles again, satisfied with the eager agreement. “I can help you before class starts.”

The girl’s smile shifts, but she nods. “Alright. Thanks, Emporio.” She starts walking into the hallway and Emporio finds out that her name is ‘Anne’ through one of her friends addressing her. He walks the opposite way, heading to his next class. He can’t believe it! A girl likes him! There’s a pep to his step as he walks into Home Economics.

***

“Dad, how do you talk to girls?” Emporio isn’t sure Dad is the person to ask for this, but he knows he should give him a shot, simply because he’d get upset if he found out Emporio went to someone else for love advice before him. Dad is scrubbing the floor of the pantry with a sponge, vigorously attacking the tile. They’ve been cat-sitting for the Higashikata-Nijimura-Kakyoin (stupid name, but all three refused to give up their last names when getting married) family for three days now, which has led to cat piss being somewhere new everyday. At first, Emporio thought it was just an anxious cat, but now he’s pretty sure it’s a malicious one.

Dad whips his head up, his pink hair flying with him. His roots are starting to show. He needs to redye it at some point. “Ahahahaa, I see! My little popo’s got a crush! Well don’t fear, pumpkin. I’m a crush expert.”  Dad now fully stands up, dumping his sponge into the plastic bucket near his feet. He takes off his gloves, draping them over the side of the bucket, and throws his arm over Emporio’s shoulders—which makes him crouch down. Dad is what you’d call a house husband. All he does the entire day is clean, cook, and gush about Mom. While Emporio looks up to him, he knows one thing for certain: he will kill himself before ending up like Dad.

“The key to girls is to charm their pants off, Emporio—oh, wait, I mean like..not literally. You probably shouldn’t be getting girls’ pants off quite yet. God, my point is you have to just have confidence. All of ‘em will be practically head over heels for you if you carry yourself correctly.”

Emporio can’t help but remember when Dad proposed to Mom. It was very awkward and Dad cried at Mom’s feet for twenty minutes just to get a ‘maybe’ in response. But then again, Dad’s personality isn’t very pleasant, so maybe Emporio stands a chance.

Except Emporio isn’t good with confidence or ‘carrying himself’ as Dad says. It’s not that he’s exactly unconfident, but more that he just generally feels awkward and anxious when talking to anyone. It’s why he keeps reminding Papa that he should get diagnosed with anxiety sooner rather than later. But Papa always forgets because well..Papa is Papa.

“Don’t give me that look,” Dad berates. He grabs Emporio’s baseball cap and flips it backwards, setting it back in his head. “That weird little zoning out thing you do is not gonna help you get girls, champ. Girls like a guy who’s totally grounded. Down to earth, really.”

If there’s one thing Dad’s never been, it's ‘down to earth.’ Emporio doesn’t bother telling him about how delusional he is for everything he’s said so far.

Dad continues his rant, even after Emporio insists that the confidence advice was enough. Once Dad starts talking about love he simply can’t stop, which seems sweet, but it gets into dangerously sexual territory quickly. Dad doesn't mean to, but Dad’s also a freak sometimes.

By dinner time, Dad has told everyone about Emporio’s crush. Emporio didn’t exactly consider it a secret, but he’s upset that Dad never asked if he could tell the others. Either way, he’s now being bombarded with questions about her—or ‘him’ to Mama’s insistence—before he can even finish putting food on his plate.

“-and is he ugly?” Mama finishes asking, looking across the table to Emporio. They’re seated, as always, in a way that leaves one side of the square table empty. Emporio sits next to Dad, Mom and Mama across from them, and Papa and FF on one other side. Sometimes the other side of the table gets filled by someone, whether that’s Jiji, Auntie Gloria, Uncle Enrico, or another Joestar that happens to be stopping by.

“ She is very pretty,” Emporio says, cutting his steak as he glances up at Mama. Her bottom lip juts out—not in a pouty way, but more an annoyed and skeptical way.

“Mama, it’s not that I’m not into boys-”

“Fuckin’ knew it! I told you, Cici-”

“-but I have a crush on a girl. Hate to break it to you,” Emporio shrugs as he speaks, not bothering to spare Mama another glance. He’s almost certain Dad had made a comment about his sexuality ages ago, and Mama, being the way she is, made a bet with him about what it was. They’re both stupid and probably both wrong.

“So you were wrong too!” Dad laughs, confirming Emporio’s suspicion. Really, they should be grateful. Most eleven-year-olds don’t have everything about themselves figured out like he does. 

“Oh shut up. He’s probably gonna change his mind in a few years,” Mom says. Emporio doesn’t appreciate the implication that he’s just confused right now. “I mean, I still thought I preferred men when I was in middle school. Which Emporio, I guess it’s different for you, but don’t feel pressured to get with a man. They usually suck.”

“Babe, don’t be like that!” Dad groans, making a pouty face. “Not when there’s two men in this room right now!”

“ Three,” Emporio corrects, feeling his cheeks flush.

“Well I meant men in a relationship with her,” Dad says, fixing his mistake. He tries to ruffle Emporio’s hair, but ends up just scooting his hat around on his head. Papa, one of the other mentioned men, is too busy staring at the lightbulb above their heads to listen to the conversation.

“So the girl you like,” Mom starts, shifting the conversation, “what’s she like, buddy?”

Emporio doesn’t fully know how to answer this question, his face once again heating up. “Uh..she’s pretty?”

Mama and Dad laugh, snickering at each other as they whisper across the table. Emporio will never never fully understand their relationship. When he was younger, he was dead certain Mama hated Dad with a passion. He believed this for a while, all until he overheard a conversation between them the day before Dad proposed to Mom. Mama had insisted that Mom would say no. It got heated, but in the end Mama confessed that she had wanted to be the one to marry to Mom. Emporio stopped listening after that.

“What does she like?”

Emporio looks up. It’s the first time FF has spoken throughout all of dinner, and he’s pretty sure they’ve been focused on chugging their water. He’ll also never fully understand FF. They were a much later addition to the family. They’re a major weirdo, but Emporio likes them because they practice baseball with him. Mom and Mama like them too. Dad not so much. But Dad hates anyone who Mom likes better than him.

“Um..I don’t know. Her name’s Anne. She wears overalls a lot. And she has cute freckles.”

Dad taps the table, a skeptical look on his face. “Are you telling me that you have a crush on this girl, but know absolutely nothing about her?! How baseless!”

Emporio can’t hold his tongue this time, “ You were head over heels for Papa right after meeting him! And you fell for Mom the instant she walked into the same room as you. If anything, this is a learned trait.”

Dad’s face turns the same color as his hair. Papa finally pays attention to the conversation, looking over to Dad. “You fell for me immediately?”

Dad gives Emporio a quick stink eye. “Yes, darling.”

Papa nods. “Interesting. It took me much longer. You can be very..weird. It takes getting used to.”

The whole table laughs at this, with Papa much less sure on what’s so funny to everyone. Mom teases Dad a little more, with Dad just taking it. He’s such a doormat for her.

“The exciting thing though,” Emporio says, once everyone has stopped laughing, “is that Anne asked me to help her with her homework before class tomorrow. I like a girl that wants to learn.”

Mama and Mom exchange a look. Emporio isn’t sure what that means. “Popo..what exactly did she say?”

Emporio gulps. “Well after class she went up and said hi..and then she said she has a soccer game tonight, so she wouldn’t be able to do her homework. So before she asked for help I said ‘I can help you before class!’”

Mama shakes her head, crossing her arms. “I’m gonna beat that kid’s ass! She just wants the answers Emporio, she doesn’t care about you.”

Emporio sinks into his chair. But she agreed to get help before class! He thought this meant she wanted to spend time with him..

“Oh lord, Popo. If you had told me that this girl is just a little bitch I would’ve taught you some fighting moves!” Dad bemoans, leaning back in his chair.

“But she does like me! At least I thought..”

“Oh, baby, don’t be upset. Some people just like to use others for their own gain. There’s nothing you can do about it,” Mom comforts, “well..you can whoop her ass, but I know you’re no fighter.” She leans in close to Mama before adding, “Much to my disliking..”

Emporio can’t be Dad’s little heartbreaker or Mom’s little ass whooper. It’s just not in him for either of these things.

“I want to find this ‘Anne’ girl,” Papa says, staring straight on at Emporio. “I’ll make her repent at Enrico’s church. She’ll pay for the sins of using my baby for math problems.”

Papa has a habit of going too far. It’s what almost got him in prison many times.

“That’s a good idea!” Dad says. It’s interesting how everyone seems to nod in agreement, considering no one at this table is particularly religious. The closest any of them are is Mom, and that’s just because her great-grandpa would drag her to church a lot when she was growing up.

“I don’t think so..”

“I went to church once,” FF says, ignoring the actual points being made, “It was boring! Thank goodness it was free, otherwise I would’ve said ‘hey, can I get my money back?’”

This gets a laugh out of Mama and Mom. Dad doesn’t seem nearly as amused. “Don’t be like that. Dom’s brother is a priest—you know that—so don’t be rude about it.”

Dad just doesn’t like FF. He’s also a hypocrite, as Emporio has heard him say overly rude things about church and religion in general about five million times.

Mama rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I say we find where this Anne kid lives and give her parents a stern talking to. Get straight to the heart of the issue.”

Mom nods. Papa still seems to be set on getting Anne to repent, but Dad is able to convince him this is better. “Okay, Popo. Tomorrow you charm her, get her address so you can go to her house, and then we go with you and beat the shit out of them!”

“Verbally,” Dad clarifies.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Emporio lowers his head. He’s not so sure about this. He’s pretty sure they’re just reading too deep into it. Anne definitely likes him! “Okay, Mom, Mama, Dad, Papa, and FF.” He’ll just say he couldn’t get her to give him her address.

“Good boy.” Dad pats him on the head. “Get ready to charm her pants off,” he winks as he delivers the last line. Emporio is pretty sure it’s supposed to be an inside joke about his mess up from earlier, but it just comes off as creepy and uncomfortable, and results in a fight between Dad and Mom.

***

“Hey, Anne!” Emporio perks up in his seat. He’s been waiting for only ten minutes now, and Anne has finally walked into the classroom. The bell hasn’t rung yet, so there’s still small groups hanging in the room. Most people are in the halls or the commons, however.

“Hey, Emporio! You have the homework, right?”

“Yup, I did the homework. It was really easy for me, so I can definitely help you right now!”

Anne’s smile once again shifts into a more strained one, glancing between Emporio and his binder sitting on the desk. “Erm..Emporio. I’m in a rush this morning. Can I just copy your work and then go meet up with my friends? They’re waiting for me.”

Emporio feels something snap inside him. His parents were right. He’s just the smart kid to Anne and she’s just a pretty girl to him. That’s fine. He doesn’t need his parents' help with this. “Sure!” he responds, all too cheery, “though maybe I can come to your house today and help you? A little study session! Don’t you think that sounds nice?” He smiles wide as he asks, looking up at Anne trying to be as sincere as possible.

Anne gives a thoughtful expression before saying, “Sure! Though I can’t promise I’ll want to do much math. And my parents are weird, just so you know. Meet me at the bus stop and you can ride with me home.”

With that, she leaves, dropping her blank homework on Emporio’s desk. He doesn’t know what he’ll do at her house. Maybe he’ll just yell at her like Dad or Mom or Mama or Papa or FF would.

***

Emporio is confused when the bus stops. Anne gets out and he follows her, but he feels a strange sense of dread as they approach what appears to be her home. She turns the doorknob. Emporio starts to feel sick.

“Anne, you’re home already?” Emporio recognizes the voice of Papaw. He recognizes the house. Somehow, Anne is living with his grandparents.

He barely makes it to the toilet on time to throw up, but he hears Papaw rushing into the room. “I just washed that toilet!” he complains, right before saying, “Oh, Popo! How have you been?”

“Why does Anne live with you guys?” Emporio cries, looking up at Papaw.

Papaw mouths a silent “oh” before saying out loud, “You would know why if your mother actually called us a little more often. Or visited. You guys haven’t visited for..” he pauses, taking a moment to think, “..three weeks and four days.”

“Just answer my question!”

“We adopted her three weeks ago. She’s a lovely girl, and I suppose she’s also your aunt now! Imagine that.”

Emporio doesn’t want to! He’s had a crush on his aunt!

“Are your parents with you?”

“No, Dad. He came home with me on the bus. Also wait, how do you know Emporio?” Anne finally inserts herself into the conversation, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom.

“Emporio is Jolyne’s kid. I swear I’ve told you about them, Anne! Jotaro has too.”

As if summoned, Jiji appears behind Papaw, a confused look on his face. He doesn’t say anything, but he glances between all three of them before walking straight past them. Jiji is very weird.

“I need to call my mom..” Emporio decides.

It’s awkward waiting for them to show up, but Emporio officially moves from the bathroom to sitting on the couch next to Anne and Grammy, who just got home from work. He looks at Anne, picking apart her appearance and deciding that she’s not actually attractive at all. In fact, she kind of looks like a combination of Great-Great-Grandpas Joseph and Caesar. The brown hair from Joseph and the freckles from Caesar. He feels a little bad for deciding she’s ugly, but that’s just the way it has to go sometimes.

When everyone does show up, Mom already looks pissed. “Why didn’t you tell me you guys adopted some kid?! And don’t say I don’t call because it’s Anasui’s job to do that!”

“Why is it your husband’s job to call your parents?” Grammy asks.

“Because I don’t like calling you guys! Dad doesn’t talk enough,” she points to Jiji, “and Dad,” now Papaw, “talks too much about mundane shit! And..okay mom I like calling you. I’ll do that more.”

Mom used to call Papaw ‘Daddy’, but she’s grown out of it, so it seems. But instead of thinking of an alternative like ‘papa’ or just ‘father’, she’s started just calling him ‘dad’ like Jiji. It gets more confusing than Emporio would like to admit.

“And another thing-” Mom crosses her arms over her chest, “- why did you adopt some kid?”

Grammy shrugs. “Noriaki needed something to do. He’s been lonely ever since you moved out for college.”

Papaw’s cheeks go bright red, matching his hair. He had always been the stay at home parent when raising Mom, so her leaving meant him just sitting around all day. “Don’t say that like Jojo was just a pet that died and Anne is the kitten we got to replace her..”

Anne snickers, clearly amused by her dad’s strange metaphor.

“This girl needs to go repent at Enrico’s church,” Papa says, cutting off anyone else trying to speak.

“Repent?!” Anne tenses up, shocked by the proposition that Papa is of course dead serious about.

Jiji shakes his head. “What did she do?”

“She killed my son,” Papa answers, once again too serious, “..emotionally.”

Anne gives Emporio a quick, accusatory glance. She mouths, “homework?” while looking at him. Emporio just nods.

In the end, nobody went to church to repent, but they did go by to say hi to Uncle Enrico. Mom agrees to call Pepaw every Saturday to talk, and she also agrees to stop making Dad call every other member of her family to ‘catch up for her.’

Emporio has a weird ass family, but it’s his weird ass family. And he also has a very ugly aunt who he has definitely never unknowingly had a small crush on. In fact, who is he kidding? He doesn’t even like girls! Hm. He can’t say that near Mama. She’ll think she’s won.

...

Ermes drags him by the wrist outside of the apartment. She slams the door shut, finally letting go of him and transferring her grip to the railing of the platform outside the door. Narciso’s first instinct is to yell at her, so he does. “What the fuck?! What’s your issue you fucking freak-”

“Do not propose to Jojo tomorrow. I saw the ring in your pocket. Don’t fucking do it.”

Narciso sighs. This bitch has been crazy from the beginning! He should’ve known she’d pull a weird overprotective move like this. “Listen, I get it. You’re her best friend-”

“No, you don’t get it! She’s not gonna say yes. You realize that, right?” Ermes demands, her knuckles going white as she grips tighter to the railing. She avoids looking at Narciso, instead focusing on one of the cars parked outside.

“And why is that, all knowing bitch?” 

Ermes’ face twitches at the title. “I know because I’m her best friend. She’s not going to say yes to you, fuck face. She’d only say yes to..” she trails off, her brows furrowing the more she speaks.

“She’d only say yes to who?” Narciso presses, leaning in closer to Ermes. He’s never liked her. She always starts fights with him. She’s hated him from the start. He’s returned her energy as much as possible.

“You just can’t propose to her, okay?” Ermes says, turning her head even further from Narciso. Her tone shifts from angry to desperate, perplexing Narciso.

“Why?” he asks, trying not to sound as annoyed as he really is.

Ermes takes a deep breath, finally letting go of the railing and throwing her hands out to the side. “Because I love her, okay?! I fucking love her and I don’t want her to say yes! Is that what you wanted from me?!” Her hands flop down again, now swinging at her sides.

“W-What?” Narciso never would’ve expected this. He always thought she was just that one annoying, overprotective friend. He had never even considered the possibility that she was also in love with Jolyne.

“You fucking heard me,” Ermes says, lowering her head. She sounds more uncertain than just a moment ago.

“I didn’t know,” Narciso says. He tries not to think of all the terrible things that could’ve been happening before now. Is Ermes covering her and Jolyne’s asses? Did Jolyne cheat on him this whole time? Just like that fucker before her. Just like-

“Don’t tell her,” Ermes cuts off his panic. “Please, don’t fucking tell her. We’ve been friends since elementary. I don’t wanna ruin that.”

“Ermes..” Narciso’s fears have been debunked with her plea. She really is just a loser in love with her best friend. Narciso is not fond of sharing. He’s certainly not fond of the idea of sharing Jolyne’s affections. But looking at Ermes, somehow, he feels a little bad. Maybe because he can realize now, looking back, that the two girls haven’t exactly been just close friend material. Just the other night Ermes’ head was in Jolyne’s lap while they watched a movie. That’s so fucking gay. It almost makes Narciso’s blood boil. How could he not have noticed this battle of affections they’ve been having?! He’s so stupid. It’s so obvious that Ermes has been in love with Jolyne this whole time—and fuck, are Jolyne and Ermes much different from him and Domenico?

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“I don’t want your sorry.”

“Well I am. And..I haven’t been fully honest with Jojo either. I think..maybe we just all need to talk.”

Ermes finally looks at him. She’s not crying, but she’s certainly upset. “What’re you trying to say?”

“I’m saying we’ll work it out.” He steps closer to her, closing off the distance between them. Neither of them are hug people, but he holds his arms out and Ermes hesitantly wraps hers around his torso. She gives a tight squeeze before pulling out of it, her cheeks a little pink.

“I guess I’ve misjudged you a little,” she says.

“Oh please, sweetheart. I’m still an asshole—ow!” she cuts him off with a knee to his balls.

Narciso and Ermes are as close to friends as they’ll ever get.