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The swings.
They were where Shin Tsukimi first met Sou Hiyori. They were only children at the time. Shin had been on the swing set at the park near his home for quite a bit when the other child approached. The park was usually empty, especially in the afternoon, so the large eyes staring at Shin certainly threw him off.
That was all the boy did. He just kept staring. It made Shin uneasy. He didn’t know why the boy was looking at him. His expression was blank and he didn’t seem to move. Shin was about to stop swinging and ask the other what he was doing when the boy walked over. He silently sat on the swing next to Shin and went back to staring at him. This time, he seemed to be actually analyzing him, like he’d never seen anyone swing before. Shin couldn’t help but stare back, feeling anxious at the idea of the other boy leaving his view of vision.
“Hey, what’s your name?” Shin called down as he was high in the air.
“Sou.”
The boy blinked, seeming to take a second, “Hiyori. Sou Hiyori. Who are you?”
His voice was a bit more on the meek side compared to Shin's. He didn’t seem shy, just awkward and off-putting. “Shin Tsukimi! I’ve never seen you here before!”
Sou started to kick the ground a bit, trying to start up the swing, “That’s because I’ve never been here. I haven’t ever seen you before either.”
“Where are your mommy and daddy?”
“Where are yours?”
Shin felt a bit confused at Sou dodging the question. “They’re at my house! It’s close to here.”
Sou nodded, now getting a hang of the swing, “My mom is doing work stuff. She told me to just come here and play. That or I’d have to stay in the car.” His small face scrunched up a bit, “It’s hot in the car, I hate the heat. So I chose to come here instead.”
Shin didn’t have much to say to that and things went silent. Now he could at least go back to looking at the sky instead of keeping his eyes fused to the other boy, it seemed Sou was doing the same. Shin wasn’t the best when it came to making friends, it was something his mom was trying to help him overcome, so he found himself thinking back to all the conversation flashcards he used as practice.
He flashed a look at Sou's way, "what's your favorite co- AH?!" shock filled his chest as he watched the green-haired boy leap from the swing. It felt like slow motion and a speedup blur at once. Sou landed on his feet and toppled down to his knees and hands. Shin thought for sure he’d been hurt but the boy stood up with a carefree smile.
“That was fun! Try it!”
Shin stared in shock, skidding to a halt with his mouth wide open. Sou just looked confused, “What? Have you never tried that?”
“Um- No?? My mom says that's dangerous- are you hurt?”
Sou shook his head with a laugh, “We don’t always need to listen to adults! Not when they aren’t around at least.” He had a funny grin on his face, “Just try it! It’s super fun!”
Shin looked down at the boy's knees which were now a slight red from scraping them. His hands had gravel on them too which Sou didn’t seem to mind. It was also then that Shin noticed Sou had a few other markings on him- just some scratches and small bruises, the type of injury you’d get from playing outside as a reckless kid. He also noted the boy was wearing a messy white button up and black shorts.
Shin gave a bit of a frown, “I don’t know… I’ve always been told I bruise easily. I don’t wanna get hurt.”
Sou frowned at him, looking confused and a bit annoyed. “Why? It’s not that bad.”
Shin felt a bit nervous. He didn’t want to seem lame or lose a possible ‘friend’. “Mmm okay… but I don’t have to go as high as you right?”
Sou just shrugged, “I don’t care. Go as high as you want.”
Shin gave a small nod and kicked himself off the ground, starting to swing. He wasn’t sure how high to go nor how he should land. Even jumping off a little scared him, that’s why he always came to a complete stop before getting off the swing. He enjoyed the heights, but he didn’t like the fall.
“I can catch you if you want,” Sou said with a smile. It wasn’t a weird or bad smile, just the smile of a kid overestimating himself. A part of Shin wanted to trust the other kid, maybe he’d be safer that way— Worst case scenario, Sou would break his fall. He’d rather that than hit the ground, as selfish as that felt.
“Okay!! But be careful- Here I come, are you ready?” Shin wasn’t super high, but it was definitely higher than he thought he’d be. Sou nodded and took a small step back, holding his arms out as if to catch Shin. Shin gulped before closing his eyes and letting go of the swings chains and allowing his body to fly forward. Of course, due to closing his eyes, he didn’t see nor realize he was flying right into Sou. Until he did.
His lower half smacked the other boy and caused him to fall over, making Shin ultimately land on top of Sou. Sou pushed him off almost immediately and stood up, looking down at a somewhat pained Shin.
“People tell me I’m not good at socializing,” Sou said bluntly with a blank face that then curved into a smile. “But this was fun. I think my mom's gonna want me back soon, goodbye!”
Just like that, the little boy disappeared as quickly as he came, leaving behind a very confused and partially upset Shin Tsukimi.
…
“Today in class, we will be introducing a new student. He was homeschooled up until now, so please be friendly.”
Shin looked up from his desk with his fist pressed to his cheek. This wasn’t the first nor last new student they’d gotten this semester. One of the other highschools nearby, Nanki Academy, was shut down. Now students were transferring to this school and others. Shin never knew the reason for the shut down, nor did he care. He had heard rumors about it being due to budgeting and poor building maintenance. Still, it was the first time a new student came from homeschooling. Kids like that were always rumored to be weird or smarter than everyone else, so his interest was piqued.
In came a young man, Shin's age, carrying a standard school bag and wearing a white button up and black pants. It wasn’t the school's main uniform, but it wasn’t against the dress code either. All this compared to Shin and most students who wore a standard black gakuran.
It was when his eyes met the other boys that a spear pierced Shin in the heart. It was the same bright cyan eyes that stared at him that day so many years ago. He couldn’t believe it.
The new student began to write his name on the board; ‘日和’
Sou Hiyori.
Shin wasn’t sure how to describe the emotion he had seeing the boy. It was a rush of familiarity, curiosity, surprise, and fear. It was like a long lost mystery of his life finally clicked- the boy he met on the swings as a child was homeschooled, locked away. That’s why he never heard from or saw him again. Now he was here.
Of course, he’d be different from when he was a child— but what was he like now? Would he even recognize or show interest in Shin? Maybe it was thanks to being the quiet kid with hardly any acquaintances, but Shin was already getting bubbly with ideas. Perhaps finally— FINALLY— he would have someone around. Someone to look up to. To talk to, to be around, to experience life with— but who was he kidding? These were all silly ideas within the first minute of recognizing some guy's face and name.
Sou was instructed to a seat, a bit aways from Shin, and he sat down normally like anybody else. Class began and all Shin could do was think about what could be- his nervous jitters made it impossible to concentrate. A few hours felt like a whole day; He kept glancing over at Sou, wondering if the other boy would look at him. He mostly just had the back of a head to stare at, though.
The lunch bell rang and most everyone got up and left. Shin began putting his books away in his bag when he suddenly had a pair of hands slam on his desk. Startled, he looked up to see a grinning green haired boy who seemed way too enthusiastic for his own good. “Shin! So nice to see you again!”
Shin was beyond surprised- sure he’d spent all class thinking about this, but he never expected Sou to actually approach him. “Hiyori! You remember me?”
“Of course I do! You were the last person outside of my family I’ve talked to in years!” Sou noticed Shin's wide eyes and just winked with a laugh, “Kidding. I’m not actually some hermit. But yes, I do remember you!”
Shin's face heated up a bit, mostly thanks to being thrown off from Sou’s intensity, “I-I remember you too- Jeez, I never thought I’d see you again-”
Sou smiled brightly, “Of course you remember me Shin! You did fall on me afterall!”
“Fell- Hey, you said you’d catch me!”
Sou shook his head, “Your fault for trusting to an overly ambitious seven year old.”
Shin found himself rolling his eyes. Something told him Sou was just as weird as ever, for better or for worse. Sou held out his hand, “Come on now! Join me for lunch! It doesn’t seem you have anyone else to hang out with.”
“And neither do you,” Shin scoffed, picking up his things. “Don’t tell me homeschooling made you socially oblivious. It’s rude to point stuff like that out.”
Sou tapped his chin and shrugged, “I’ve gotten better. I just felt enough comfort to be myself around you is all so I admit I wasn’t thinking. I apologize, I can adjust my behavior if you’d like!”
Shin stood up and started walking out the door, assuming the other would follow (he did), “You don’t need to worry, really- Just don’t make comments on my lack of friends is all. I already can tell everyone else silently thinks that about me and judges me for it.” He felt a bit guilty for his tone and attitude, Sou probably meant no harm, and he did just say he felt comfortable being himself- while Shin had no idea what he did to warrant that trust, he didn’t want to make Sou feel bad. Especially since this was his first time in a public school.
“Got it!” Sou smiled and followed Shin to the rooftop. It was where Shin usually came to eat. It had a nice view and the weather was quite nice, which made it a perfect lunch spot.
“So… what was homeschooling like?” Shin asked as he sat down on a bench, unwrapping his lunch.
Sou sat next to him and unwrapped his as well, “Hmm… Well, it’s hard to explain when I have nothing to compare it to. I was mostly given a computer and assignments to do. I was instructed to study anything I could find- Which was a bit limited. I was only permitted to use certain websites and text books for my studies. My mother is quite religious and would always be quite strict with my education because of it.”
“Would you say you’re super religious then?”
“Not really, no. If God exists, I doubt I’m his favorite,” Sou laughed. “Mother always tells me he’ll be pleased once I fulfill my mission. I don’t know if that’s true nor do I care, but I do whatever she tells me. I have no interest in pleasing God, just pleasing her. She is my mother after all.”
Shin furrowed his brows a bit. He didn’t quite understand this odd relationship Sou had with his mom, nor did he know if he had any right to question it. His parents were never religious so for all he knew, this was normal. “What’s your mission?”
Sou shrugged, “Obey commands and some other things. I don’t care to get into it. I will say my mother is quite insistent I become part of her company and get into high ranks. I guess that’s my life mission.”
Shin snorted, “So you’re gonna be a businessman?”
Sou gave him a peculiar smile, “I suppose so. Truly, I don’t care much for it. Though there are some elements of my future I look forward to, those excite me.”
“Like what?”
“I get to go into people's minds. Human memory is a subject I find the most fascinating. In theory I’ll get a whole playground in my work to do that.”
Now Shin was definitely confused. Sou seemed to be avoiding directly stating what type of company his mom worked for or any other solid details that’d help Shin understand what he was going on about. Then again, what did Shin know? He’d probably end up a job hopper. It’s not like he had any goals or ambitions for himself like Sou did.
“Huh, that seems fun. Or well, Interesting- I hope you enjoy it,” Shin spoke awkwardly. Sou just smiled at him and went back to eating. The two continued small talk between bites; Shin explained what school was like and what Sou should expect. Sou told Shin about the parts of the brain and what functions they controlled.
The school day came to an end and Shin found himself walking home with a flutter in his stomach. Today had been the best day of the school year; He’d finally made a friend. Sou seemed to like Shin enough that Shin could call him that.
Sure enough, he’d been right. Each day, Sou would join him for lunch and they’d talk. Eventually walking home together turned into hanging outside of school. Shin never actually saw Sous' house but Sou frequently visited his. Sou was the school's charmer and he had the charisma to get what he wanted from other students. Whether that be needing help with school work or getting favors- for someone who was homeschooled, he seemed like he’d been around people all his life.
There were times Shin worried Sou would replace him with someone else, someone more interesting and useful. Each moment spent together, Shin found himself searching for signs of Sou leaving him; he had a whole list of signs to use as reference from his past ‘friendships’
Yet Sou never left. No matter how many girls confessed their feelings to him or how many boys insisted Sou join their clubs, Sou stayed by Shin's side. It was reliving. It felt amazing to have someone choose to spend time with you when they could do it any time else.
One day during summer break, the two boys were hanging out in Shin's room. Sou was whining about how hot it was and how he didn’t understand why Shin kept the heater on. Out of consideration for his friend, Shin eventually turned on the air conditioning.
The two were working together on some computer code for a game Sou had pitched. It was a card game about majority voting- Shin didn’t quite get it, but he was happy to help. As their fingers clicked away at the keyboard, Shin's thoughts began to wander. Wandered to how he couldn't help but wonder- why did Sou stay with him? Drowned in teenage insecurities, Shin just didn’t understand why someone like Sou would spend so much time with him. He practically came over every day afterall. The least he could do is get a summer job, that’d be more interesting than being around him all the time.
“Is something troubling you, Shin?”
He looked up from his computer, “Huh? Oh, not really. No, I’m fine.”
Sou titled his head past his computer screen with his usual uncanny smile, “You’re furrowing your brows with that twinge in your eye you get when you’re thinking too hard. Come on Shin, the code isn’t that hard is it? Even a child could do it!”
Shin bit his lip, “Well, this one string is really bugging me. It keeps saying there’s errors but it doesn’t seem happy with anything I do.” A lie. He wasn’t about to worry Sou with his weird thoughts.
“Oh? Really now? Let me see,” Sou got up and walked behind Shin, glancing at the code. He reached over Shin's shoulder and grabbed onto his mouse, making a few adjustments to the script which fixed it in no time. “That wasn’t that hard was it? Come now Shin, I know you’re better than this,” he put his hips on his shoulders. He looked up as if contemplating what to say next- Like he didn’t know if he should just leave it or if he cared enough to push further.
“What’s actually wrong?”
Shin looked down, “It’s nothing you should have to worry about.” Shin was never very communicative or open about his emotions. A part of him just feared rejection or invalidation, especially from his best friend. But a deep part of him deeply craved Sou’s validation and reassurance. The feeling was so intense he felt he may die from it.
Sou leaned in closer to Shin in an almost uncomfortable way. This was what he did any time he wanted Shin to talk more. His bright eyes still had the same intense effect they’d always had- it was a bit creepy and made Shin squirm, which was probably why Sou did it.
Not wanting the feeling of his friend's breath on his neck, Shin gently shoved Sou away with a defeated sigh. “Well, it’s just- ugh this is gonna sound stupid.”
“It won’t. Nothing will sound as stupid as you claiming you needed help with fixing code you very well know how to fix,” back at it again with that smile of his. Shin could never describe it. It felt taunting but in a playful way; though sometimes it felt more malicious. This wasn’t one of those times, though.
Shin just rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Okay well I keep getting these thoughts and just- Christ Hiyori, I don’t get it. Why do you stay around with me?”
Sou gave him a very confused look, “Whatever do you mean?”
Shin withdrew further into his seat and looked away in embarrassment, “You have all these people at school who think you’re the coolest ever- why would you waste your time on me when you can hang out with them instead? I don’t mean to self-deprecate, but I’m not exactly interesting.”
Sou stared at him blankly for a bit before giggling a bit. Shin flashed him a hurt look and Sou stopped immediately. “*Ahem-* Well, who’s to say I find them interesting and you boring? Dear Shin, it's quite the opposite. All those other people absolutely bore me. Most people do. Sometimes you bore me too. But even when you do, you’re nice to be around. I don’t have to drain myself of all my energy when I’m around you,” Sou shrugged. “You don’t think ill of me on the days I’m dryer than others. You stay by my side. Like I said, sometimes you bore me, but on those days just looking at your face and watching you is enough to entertain me. You bore me with small and useless talk but you draw me in with your smile and your willingness to go along with whatever I suggest we do,” he then paused.
“That last sentence sounds selfish, doesn’t it? Let me rephrase. I can ask to do anything and you’ll play along, in turn I’ll play along with whatever you want to do too. You benefit me so I benefit you. As much as I can, that is.”
Shin frowned, not quite understanding, “I don’t get it.”
Sou's brows furrowed in frustration, which wasn’t something Shin saw often if ever. He feared he pissed him off.
“How to explain… You make me happy, Shin. Is that not enough reason to choose you over anyone else?”
Shin went back to looking away and avoiding Sou's gaze, though he could feel it pierce his skin. “But what if someone else makes you happy?”
Sou looked at the other boy dumbfounded and crossed his arms, “What are you implying? That I would throw you to the side just because someone else came along? Do you really think I see you like that? Have all my showcases of friendship meant nothing?”
Shin cowered in his chair a bit, he didn't mean to anger him so much. Sou wasn’t easy to anger by any means but he was scary when he was. Or maybe Shin was being overly sensitive- he knew he hadn’t done the best at voicing his insecurities. It was no wonder Sou took it the wrong way.
Sou noticed Shin's behavior and sighed, feeling a bit irritated. He never admitted it to Shin but he didn’t know how to properly show or express his emotions or care sometimes. He felt angry that his attempts hadn’t been working. He thought by hanging out with Shin so much, Shin would know he valued him, not question it.
Still, things felt tense and awkward. He wanted to slap Shin for being so ridiculous but he also wanted him to stop reacting to him like that. He enjoyed when others cowered at him but with Shin it felt more like a kicked puppy.
He curled his fists up, “Well Shin, in case you hadn’t figured it out, this world is filled with rotten people. I myself am rotten. Really, you should be asking yourself why you hang out with me instead of the other way around.” His teeth gritted, “But you… You’re not. You’re pure.”
Shin slowly faced Sou, surprised to see him with a tense and serious expression he’d never seen before.
“You’re pure. So I need to protect you. Which is hard when I myself am no better than anyone else. Still, I can’t let you get ruined by others. I secretly felt happy you had no other friends other than me, it meant no one could harm you. I always told myself if anyone was going to harm you, it’d have to be me. Then I’d have control. I couldn’t let anyone else do it,” even with all that truth Sou was still biting his tongue. He'd done more than enough to keep Shin ‘pure’ and ‘protected’, but he knew Shin would be upset if he knew that.
He looked Shin in the eyes, seeing nothing but confusion and fear in the deep blue sea that were his irises. He’d probably spoken too much. He was being reckless and he knew it, but part of him was getting a rush from how badly things could go or become. The uncertainty thrilled him. Shin wasn’t a predictable person in Sou’s eyes, something that delighted him.
“Maybe that’s what love feels like. Is that what it feels like, Shin? Or do I have that wrong too?” his lips twisted into a fake smile and his brows once again furrowed. Shin just stared at him in shock, not knowing how to take any of this.
The smaller boy gulped, “You- love me?”
Sou was surprised that was Shin's main takeaway. Once again, he never knew what to expect.
“Yes. I believe I do. I don’t know. The only other person I’ve ever wanted to protect like this was my mother. She’s the only other close relationship I have so… Yes. I’d say love is what I have for you. I love you.”
A sourness stabbed Sou when he said that. He didn’t even care that he confessed- he could only think about how angry his mother would be if she found out. Shin was a project. He wasn’t supposed to love him.
Shin looked down shyly, “I love you too, Sou.”
He didn’t know if Sou had meant it romantically. Neither of them did. Neither seemed to know what Shin meant either. So Sou sat back down and continued coding.
…
Long after that day's event, during their final year of highschool, Sou had to leave for a month with his mother. Since that day, things had been more tense, more awkward- for Shin that is. Sou seemed to carry on like nothing had happened.
Each day was spent with Shin contemplating every single word Sou had said to him. How he was pure and needed to be protected. Protected from what? Yeah there were bad people and life had its hardships but Sou couldn’t keep him away from that. Not to mention his weird statement- if anyone was gonna hurt Shin, it was gonna be him. Sou had never intentionally hurt Shin, so why say that? Sou had called himself rotten. Just how did he see himself? Shin wished he knew.
He hated to admit it but he’d gotten so used to Sou’s company he felt his mental health and focus deteriorate when he was gone. He knew Sou was busy so he restrained himself from texting more than once every week. Sou hadn’t replied nor seen any of them and it was stressing Shin out. He wanted something- anything- from his friend. He had to stop himself from pressing send on quite a few long messages worrying over Sou’s wellbeing and whereabouts. He didn’t want to come off as clingy or needy but God did each day feel like needles were stabbing every inch of his body.
It was on the day before Sou would return home that Shin finally received a text.
’Hello Shin, my apologies for not replying :) I have been very busy. I will see you soon! How about you meet me at the airport?’
Shin naturally agreed, not wanting to wait another day.
The following day came and Shin was quick to get to the baggage claim, nervous excitement coursing through his veins. He’d never actually been to an airport before so least to say he was a bit clueless. His eyes darted around as he searched for Sou, his mind rushing through what he’d say and do when they met again. He wanted to throw himself onto Sou in a hug but PDA like that was a bit looked down upon and he didn’t want to embarrass his friend. At the same time, he wasn’t sure he’d know how to contain his excitement.
He eventually spotted Sou speaking to a woman with brown hair and a red suit. He couldn’t make out any other details as her head was turned from him, but he figured it may be Sou's mom. Regardless, he decided to stay back for a bit, mostly to calm himself down so he could appropriately greet Sou, but also to not interrupt his conversation.
Shin peeked out from his hiding spot and had to do a double take once he noticed Sou had gone through a bit of a growth spurt during his trip- if he wasn’t taller than Shin before, he’d definitely tower over him now.
Sou was wearing a long black buttoned up trench coat with a red spotted scarf wrapped around his neck. He noticed how Sou seemed to have a more serious and mature aura around him. He seemed more refined than since they last saw each other, more professional. Or perhaps it was just the outfit or the growth spurt. The lady left and Shin watched as Sou looked around, as if searching for him. Shin quickly left his hiding spot and called out to him, “Hiyori! There you are!”
Sou turned to him and a warmth seemed to flow into his eyes. A small gentle smile appeared on his face, “Shin! I thought you’d get lost in this airport! I’m so glad I didn’t have to hunt you down!”
Shin just gave him a funny look and then a gentle punch in the arm, “Wow happy to see you too buddy.”
Sou just laughed and gave the shorter boy a hug, “What? It’s not an insult, this place is huge! Especially for you with how small you are.” He let go of Shin and gave him a pat on the head, as if making a joke about their new height difference.
“Yeah well now I never have to worry about losing you in a crowd, tall-ass,” Shin snickered. Joy was overwhelming him to see Sou again; to see him laugh and smile like he usually did- and oh the way he looked at Shin. It was like thousands of butterflies were trying to escape his chest.
Sou ruffled his hair with a smile, “Don’t worry Shin, this is common for boys our age. I’m sure you’ll grow too.”
The other boy just sighed, “I hope my height hurries up already. I’m seventeen afterall, don’t you think it's a bit ridiculous I’m still so short?”
Sou took Shin's hand in his and started to walk to the exit, his suitcase in his other hand, “Oh Shin, I think this may be all you grow. You know, you are the average for most grown men in Japan. I’m just tall!”
“Hey! You just said you we’re sure I’d grow more!”
“I wanted to see if you’d believe me or not.”
Shin just jabbed him gently in the side with a playful grin, “Yeah yeah okay asshole… give me false hope…”
Sou just laughed and gave Shin's hand a squeeze. The whole gesture made Shin's face warm up a bit, not really sure why Sou was doing that in the first place.
It was by now he definitely knew he had feelings for Sou, but he didn’t know if Sou had feelings for him.
…
The night Sou came home was the night that changed Shin's life. It was the first time Shin had ever seen Sou’s home. It was a simple and small home, only one floor. Shin looked around, noticing it only seemed like *one* person lived there- not two or three.
“Where are your parents?”
“My father is busy with his other family and my mother decided to not return from her trip just yet, so she’s still in Kyoto. I’m assuming based on your reaction you noticed I live alone. It’s true, I do, my mother said it would be good for me to have my own space.” Sou slipped off his shoes and jacket and walked over to his couch and gestured to Shin to follow him.
Shin obeyed and sat next to him, a bit more stiff compared to Sou’s relaxed composure. He seemed awfully tired from his trip.
Shin wanted to ask about Sou’s dad and this unexpected ‘other family- or at least ask if he knew the woman he was talking to earlier, but worried it’d be rude so he focused on another question, “How do you even afford this?”
“My parents are wealthy and I have a side hustle,” Sou shrugged. “It’s not like I live an upper class life, but I get by.”
Shin felt a bit awkward and shy. In all his years of knowing him, Shin still lacked knowledge on Sous life. He’d always been so private about it, even dodging questions when asked. Just being in his house made Shin feel like he saw a whole other side of Sou’s personality.
The home was dark, Sou hadn’t bothered to turn on any lights and it was starting to get late outside. He had a dull green couch and a rocking chair to match. His kitchen was small and Shin had noticed a few potted cactus scattered around the area. The area seemed a bit messy, more so than Shin expected of Sou. He always came off as a clean and organized person so the stray canned drinks and filled up garbage cans were a surprise. Not that he could judge, it was just unexpected.
Sou looked up at the ceiling and sighed, completely melted into the couch, “Shin, can you please come here?”
Shin was confused, he was already sitting right next to him. Sou made a hand gesture that implied he wanted Shin to lean against him and Shin awkwardly complied. Still being stiff in his new environment, he was a bit uncomfortable leaning against his friend. Sou gently rubbed Shin's upper arm and sat up a bit, wrapping his arms around Shin's small frame.
“Hiyori? What are you-”
“I missed you. That's not something I feel often, if ever, but- I missed you.”
Shin's body relaxed a bit and he wrapped his arms around Sou, returning the hug. “I missed you too. I missed you a lot. Honestly- I thought I was gonna go crazy,” Shin admitted with a light laugh.
“I was too.”
Shin was more than surprised. This wasn’t like Sou at all. “...Are you okay?”
“Mhm, just tired. I’m drained, Shin. Please, let’s not talk about my trip, just let me be with you.”
Shin's face brightened, “Alright- yeah, that’s fine Hiyori. I’m okay with that.”
Sou gently let go of Shin and looked him in the eyes. This time was different. These were the eyes of a tired man looking at something that gave him peace. It wasn’t his usual bright eyes that scared Shin and seemed to document his every move.
“Please forgive me, Shin. Please forgive me, God.”
Shin looked at him confused when Sou pulled him close and gently kissed his lips. Shin couldn’t move, he was in pure shock, yet Sou didn’t stop. His fingers pressed against Shin's cheek as he held his face; it was a gentle touch. Too gentle. They were the hands of someone trying not to break glass.
Shin softened and leaned in, wrapping his arms around Sou’s neck and closing his eyes. The tender kiss lasted a few seconds before Shin was the one to pull away. His face was as red as Sou’s new scarf; Sou meanwhile had a much lighter blush coating his cheeks.
Sou continued to make eye contact with Shin, “I’m afraid my mother may disown me. Well, she can try, but it’s too late.” He pressed his forehead against Shins, “I’m already a sinner, so may as well damn myself to hell.”
Shin wasn’t sure what to say. Sou seemed so vulnerable right now, more than he’d ever seen before. He used one of his hands to stroke Sous hair, “Hiyori…”
Sou took Shin's hand off his head and pressed it to his cheek, caressing it as he looked into Shin's eyes. “Don’t worry, God won’t punish you. You’re one of his favorites, why else would he make you so pure?” He paused and then looked away, taking Shin's hand off his face and wrapping both his hands around Shin's fingers, “Or maybe you’re not. Why else would he put you with a devil like me?” Sou let out a strained pity filled laugh, “Perhaps I’m only here to ruin you. Perhaps you’re here to save me. But I doubt that'll ever happen.”
Shin had no words. He wanted to comfort his friend but he also wanted to hear him speak more. He just wanted to learn more on who Sou Hiyori was. He really did know nothing, and lord did he yearn to know.
“Hiyori… no one’s gonna punish anyone. You’re not what you say you are- and you’re not going to ‘ruin me’, that's not how that works! Newsflash, we aren’t the only boys who’ve ever kissed-” he internally cringed at how bad he was at this. He felt he could do more if he knew more but that wasn’t going to happen.
Sou just shook his head, “Ah… my angel… I’m more of a monster than you’ll ever know. By the time you realize, I fear it’ll be too late.”
Shin shook his head, “Hiyori, what are you talking about?”
Internally Shin was freaking out for the wrong reasons and it was probably the wrong emotion. He hid it but he was ecstatic. His best friend and crush had kissed him. Sou loved him. Now he was telling Shin about himself, he was opening up. He was seeing the human side of a man he’d put on a pedestal. It was incredible.
“Please Shin… *Please.* I don’t care what happens after this but please, just let me indulge. I beg of you,” he looked at Shin with pleading eyes. Shin swore he fell in love all over again.
He leaned down to the hunched over Sou and used his free hand to lift him up by the jaw, kissing him. Sou was quick to wrap his arms around Shin and held him like his life depended on it. Soft kisses became aggressive and hungry, Shin swore Sou was trying to eat him alive. Shin laid back and tried to imagine how this all felt for Sou- how he probably felt like a monster devouring it’s first ever victim. For Shin, it felt like acceptance. It was the love and acceptance he always craved. He was loved. He was loved by Sou Hiyori. And nothing would take that away from him.
…
The school year came and went. The school days were spent like normal and the school nights were spent in the sheets of Sous bed. That was the place Shin felt love like no other. It was the place they’d hold each other and talk for hours. They’d exchange kisses and stories with each other. Well, Shin still talked more about himself than Sou ever did, but it was still mutually enjoyable. They used Sous kitchen to try to explore cooking and baking like normal couples would. They still went to Shins to code and play video games. Sou gained a habit of taking photos of Shin, more so than he already had. Though, he hated having his own photo taken. When asked why, Sou smiled and said Shin was something happy in his life, so he liked to keep pictures. He never explained why he never wanted to be in them.
Boys became men and they graduated highschool. Sou went on to college for psychology where he did most of his classes online. He always told Shin he preferred online learning as it was what he was most accustomed to. Shin didn’t mind, it meant Sou stayed at home with him. It wasn’t long before Shin moved in with Sou and started working a few jobs to help with rent and groceries. They led an honest life.
They still had their hard times. Shin with his untreated mental illness had developed some obsessive and unstable tendencies that Sou unintentionally seemed to encourage. He didn’t understand how it wasn’t normal for your partner to be borderline codependent on you and accepted it as normal. It wasn’t like he minded, he enjoyed it. It meant he had an easier time making sure Shin was safe. If Shin was stuck on him, he wouldn’t run off and get hurt by anyone else. That’s all that mattered.
As for Shin's instability, Sou took interest in how Shin seemed to be an angry or frightened dog one moment and a gentle playful puppy the next. Sou was used to being surrounded by slobbery snarling jaws, so tiny teeth nipping at him was far more endearing and fascinating.
It’s not like Sou was any better in the mental health department, with his repressed cult trauma and all. Not to mention years of being a trained killer who’d one day take over Asunaro. He did look forward to the power and control he’d soon get, but until then, he was trying to keep his bloodlust under control around his partner. Between Asunaro, his mother's insistence to be a part of his life (he was hiding a lot from her), Shin's worrying habits, and Sous own ‘joy of breaking people’ and actively finding ways to do it, he lived a double life.
One night when he came home late from a longer than expected ‘toying’ session, he stumbled upon a sniffling Shin at the kitchen table. He rushed over and cupped Shin's face in his hands, “Shin, what’s going on?” He feared Shin may have caught onto him.
The boy burst out crying, starling Sou. As much as he loved Shin, seeing him full on upset and crying was uncomfortable more often than not. It wasn’t personal, if anything it was a contrast to the sadistic joy he got from others' pain- Despite his studies in the human mind, Sou was far from good at comfort. He had his methods, but they only worked 30% of the time when it came to Shin. Shins predicactble nature was one Sou had grown to love, but overtime he found it could be frustrating in some instances. Not that Sou ever blamed Shin or himself, that’s just how things were. He loved Shin, so it didn’t matter.
He hugged the crying boy and rubbed his back. “What’s wrong sweetheart?” he spoke it the sweetest softest tone he could muster. Even if he wasn’t good at comfort, he knew some tricks. The key to success with Shin was to speak softly with no hint of anger or annoyance in your tone. He was sensitive in that aspect, so Sou perfected the act of vocal tone.
Shin clung to the man's chest and struggled to speak though sobs, “It’s s-stupid- You weren’t meant to see me like this- I was going to take care of it myself.”
Sou shook his head, “That won’t do my darling. What’s wrong? Just let it out.”
Shin buried his face in Sou’s coat and shook his head, whining. Sou scooped the frail boy up and sat him down on the couch, holding his hands. He gave Shin a serious yet soft look he’d practiced in the mirror multiple times; it was a look that demanded information be shared but a gentleness that claimed nothing bad was going to happen.
Shin whipped his tears and snot with his sleeve, understanding the look, “O-okay. I’m sorry if this is dumb, but… I don’t know. You’ve been so busy lately and I’m scared you’re intentionally staying away from me. I’m used to you being busy, but it’s like I full on don’t even see you anymore. I’m scared you’re avoiding me and I did something wrong.”
He bit his thumb nail, “Like a few days ago you seemed upset I forgot to buy more laundry detergent at the store. The night after I couldn't sleep and I kept waking you up on accident from how much I tossed and turned. Also two weeks ago we had to spend an extra ten minutes looking for the car keys because I lost them. There’s other stuff which I’m sure has built up to you not liking me- I keep telling myself I’m wrong but it’s hard.”
Ah, this. Not the first time Shin shared such worries. He was sure an overthinker. Him being busy had nothing to do with Shin, he couldn't imagine intentionally avoiding him.
Sou leaned down and kissed Shin's neck, “Oh Shin, you think too much. I forgot all of those things even happened. I assure you I have no built up grudges or resentment with you, especially over such silly things.”
Shin looked away, “I know, it’s stupid.”
Based on reaction, Sou figured his emotional comfort didn’t work so he turned to his main method; solutions. “Alright, how about I take this next week off work and we spend time together? We can do whatever you’d like. After that, let’s make a plan that’ll satisfy both of us alright? Let's organize date nights and date days. I know you do fine without me the days you have work, but you hate it when I come home late, right?”
Shin gave a nod and a sniffle at Sou’s words. He hated asking for things but he knew Sou couldn’t guess what he wanted either. Still, he gave Sou a look that begged him to continue; to speak for him.
Sou got the message and gave a nod, “I’ll see if I can start working early mornings into the afternoon instead of evening into the night. That way we can be together for a good part of the day whenever you have day shifts. On your night shifts, I can come to your work when I’m finished up. I won’t distract you from your job, but I’ll be there.”
He spoke with a confident smile. He knew Shin had a consistent work schedule at a local convenience store. He had much more freedom than Shin, he knew that, so he’d work around Shin's schedule instead of the other way around. He was also aware of a small office in the front where the register was, he could use that area to work on his computer while Shin worked in the store. He also knew Shin usually worked his shifts by himself, so he had no worries about other employees.
Shin gave a shaky nod and squeezed Sous hands. “But… What if I annoy you the whole time? Won’t you get sick of me?”
Sou stroked Shin's hair as he tried to find a solution to Shin's unanswered insecurities, not sure how to help. This was high school all over again; Shin assumed the worst and Sou didn’t know what to do because he thought he made the truth of the matter obvious. “Shin, why on earth would I make time out of my schedule to be around you if you annoyed me? Regardless, you should know better hm? I’m not easy to anger or annoy. In fact I don’t think you ever have angered me much,” a stretched truth. Sure he’d been mad at Shin before but he felt apathy to the past and always had hid his anger well. As far as he was concerned anyways.
Shin nodded and gave Sou a hug, “Alright, alright, sorry…” he felt a ping of guilt, worrying he may make Sou feel bad for his emotions, but he had to trust him. He had to trust Sou was telling the truth. How else would he dismiss his own guilt?
“...Thank you Hiyori. I like your plan.”
Sou smiled and stood up, “Good, I’m glad to hear it. Now, let’s get to bed shall we? Your eyes are going to be all puffy and painful since you were crying, so it’s best to rest them.”
Shin took Sou’s hand in his and pulled himself up, “Y-yeah. Hehe, alright, thank you for looking out for me, Hiyori.”
Sou just smiled, “I’ll always have an eye on you, Shin Tsukimi.”
…
Sou wasn’t sure what happened when he disappeared. The news at least told his beloved he was dead. Maybe that was better than him ‘missing,’ at least Shin wouldn’t fault himself as much. You can’t stop bloodshed after all.
Sou tried to move on in the meantime but found it impossible. He wasn’t even permitted to keep any tabs on Shin in secret; especially since his mother found out about their true relationship. As he guessed, she wasn’t happy. With all the blood on his hands, Sou found himself questioning “God's” priorities when it was being in love with another man that got his head dunked in holy water. Even by the idea God wanted Sou to spill red, he spilled far more than necessary or demanded of him. It was foolish. God wasn’t real, otherwise Sou Hiyori would have never been born at all. Sou was too scared of death to ask what came after. If there was a hell, that’s where he’d be, he knew that much.
His father could care less about his affairs. If anything he told Sou he was proud of how far he went to ‘manipulate’ one of the death game's participants. It was a statement that surprised Sou. He never saw his love as a lie, but perhaps it was. His parents never knew how to love each other, so why would Sou be any better at it? Maybe Shin was better off without him after all. Maybe he never did love him. That didn’t stop his selfish desires, though.
With a mysterious syringe to the throat, he was able to convince a member of Asunaro to supply him with an AI version of Shin. All the voices of his head screamed that made him disgusting, but when had Sou ever cared about judgment? The AI let him sleep at night and made the long dull days less dull. Plus, he could do whatever he wanted with it.
He found himself doing things he never dared to do with the real Shin. He’d play with the AI over and over. Make it self aware, reboot, poke at its insecurities and weaknesses, reboot, tell the AI they were long lost family, reboot, tell the AI all about its biological sister it never knew it had, reboot, scream and shout at it, reboot, confess all sins, reboot, reboot, reboot. When he got bored he’d find ways to make the AI smile, cry, shake, and laugh. It was entracing to watch the emotions of Shin Tsukimi on a screen.
It was a pain waiting for the death game, Sou wished he hadn’t been ‘murdered’ so early. Had it not happened at all he could have stayed with Shin uptill the death game and even joined as a participant. A shame someone had to ruin it.
Eventually, the death game by majority vote had officially begun. It was the day that Shin gave Sou the biggest surprise of all. Shin Tsukimi had become Sou Hiyori. Sou Hiyori became the final floormaster. They had become rivals, and soon, enemies. From love to hate, the final floormaster shook his head with a laugh and accepted their shared fate.
This had been God's plan.