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It was a lazy Sunday morning in winter break when Oscar had the text ping through on his phone. He was grateful for the time off, it meant he could spend more time doing the things he loved, properly taking care of himself and existing in the blissful bubble he’d created with his fiance.
Fiance. Oscar swore it was his second favourite word in the world (the first being husband) and he would never tire of hearing it. When Lando proposed to him on a sandy beach in Miami, lit only by the bright gleam of the moon and its accompanying stars, it completed his life. This was everything he’d ever wanted and more, to hold Lando in his arms, to call him his fiance, and one day soon his husband. The proposal hadn’t come as a surprise, they’d spoken about it for months prior. They’d decided Lando would be the one to get down on one knee, as when Oscar got anxious it took him five minutes to form a half coherent sentence. They’d both agreed on something low-key, a special moment only for their eyes. They didn't want a public spectacle, they didn't want desperate journalists all over them like a rash. Just them, the calming sounds of the crashing waves and the luminous glow of the sky above. It was like the universe was telling them it was their time. Oscar was never religious, but he was sure God made Lando for him. He never believed he would get a ‘forever’ romance, yet there he was, accepting a silver band from the love of his life.
Growing up in the thick of upcoming motorsport talent, Oscar didn't really have a second to spare on relationships. There was little opportunity to meet people, and every time he created an account on Tinder it was taken down for impersonation. Was it so hard to believe that Mr F2 champion Oscar Piastri was single? God the social media world could be judgemental. Being gay in a heterosexually dominated sport bought challenges in itself. Everyone expected him to walk into the paddock with a gorgeous Instagram model glued to his arm, and the second he stood in the same place as a girl, rumours circulated quicker than you could say his name. With the pressure of pleasing sponsors and unaccepting race countries, the only person he told was Logan. After all, they’d been best friends since the early days. He was sure Logan knew him better than he knew himself. He knew every facial expression Oscar had, knew his turbulent family background, and knew every quirk and insecurity. And yet he still chose to stand by his side. To begin with, Oscar was sure his mother had been paying Logan because all his life he had never had a friend.
Then one friend became two when Lando came along. They’d formed their friendship during Oscars year out, while he patiently waited for a chance at his dream. They connected instantly, Lando being extroverted really helping Oscar shine. They spoke about everything and nothing. Race results, their dream holidays and even what they spend their evenings doing. Slowly, those evenings faded into a takeaway and a movie at Lando’s place, which then fused into sleepovers, which turned into desperate whines and small chants of “please, please more.” After that, everything changed forever, and for the first time in his whole life, Oscar wasn't frightened of change.
The mutual attraction was evident, Lando carrying the courage for the pair of them to advance their relationship. After all, what homies hook up with one another and spend every spare second together, greeting each other with small kisses? Oscar was so grateful Lando had the balls to utter the “Will you be my boyfriend” words a year ago. He loved being loved by Lando and was honoured to get to love him back with all he had. Their story was an unconventional fairytale, unpredictable but comforting, radiating warmth and security. Just like Lando did.
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Until Lando came along, Oscar never felt good enough. He found there was always a but when it came to love, from the little experience he had. He’d heard it all, that he was sweet but he had too much baggage. He was sweet enough for a hook-up but not someone you’d want to settle down with. He was everything you'd want in a boyfriend, but you'd want someone like him. Not actually him. The younger male thought their relationship was a sick joke between Lando and Max, to begin with. Like he was a teenager again and they were the immature kids coming up to him claiming their bet mate fancied him, laughing heartlessly. Because he was the punchline. He was always the punchline.
His insecurities were rife because he deemed himself unloveable. Someone who was used to kill time before the main love interest came along and stole the spotlight from him. He was never good enough, never successful enough. God, his dad really did a number on him, huh?
Oscar's parents had divorced when he was six years old, so he was too used to going between houses before he moved to Europe. He hated it to start with and wished his parents would just get back together because he didn't understand them. Sure there'd be shouting sometimes which frightened him, but it was better than this. One week at mum's, pack a weekend bag and away again to dad. His dad always used to take him to races, then complain in the car if Oscar didn't come first. Second is the first loser, his dad always used to tell him. He was spiteful, telling Oscar when he was allowed to tell his mum how he did, and made sure he told her he’d done badly if he didn't make pole position. Oscar thought that was normal. Going between two households that did life so differently hurt his head, he didn't understand what was expected of him. His mum made him feel wanted, loved, and enough. But the second he entered his dad's house, all of that progress was shattered. His dad never hugged him. He didn't think he’d ever heard his dad tell him he was proud of him unless he made the top spot. Week after week Oscar would burn himself out to become his fathers bragging right, because at least that made him worthy of his love. All he ever wanted was to be loved. What had he done so wrong? What was wrong with him?
When he turned ten, he stopped visiting his dads as often. This was when his dad slowly began confiscating prize money and gifts from his side of the family. Subtle, but still noticeable. Oscar only visited on race weekends, for selfish purposes. Every weekend was littered with criticism, digs at his mum and him for choosing not to stay in his house. I mean why would he stay? When his dad had a way of victimising himself, and that horrid stern tone when Oscar cried a bit too much. He thought that was normal.
He only realised it was wrong when he witnessed his peers with their fathers. They’d beam with pride, holler praises at them as they crossed the line- even if they were running last place. They’d greet their children with big hugs, sweets and cameras to snap pictures of every milestone. His dad never did that unless he was the best at something. It wasn't just racing, it was school results and other hobbies. Oscar noticed that he was only worthy of his father's love when he was truly good at something because then his father could go to work and brag about how his son was heading for a karting championship, how his son would break into formula one. But Oscar was only his son then, and not when he was crying over struggling on his maths homework, or came third in a race.
Only once had Oscar braved telling his dad how he felt, and he learnt one of life's most important lessons that day. Pick which battles to fight carefully. It was that day he realised that he was frightened of his father. His tone, emotionless expression and vile dirty looks, as if to say ‘Really?’ stung more than anything else could. He hated how his father would use that stupid sarcastic tone, and spit tame words so harshly. He knew Oscar's insecurities, knew what made him weak and prayed upon them. What Oscar hoped would be a civil conversation turned into his father playing the victim and using his son's weaknesses as ammunition to get him to back down from his argument. It was downright cruel, and the older Oscar got, the more he understood why his mother had to get out. His father couldn't stand being in the wrong, so he refused to contact his son for two months. No texts, no calls. He stopped showing up to collect Oscar for the weekend, so he had to miss races. Punishment and his father knew that.
That's when he decided it was time to move to Europe, he needed out. His father was wrecking his confidence, his self-esteem in the gutter. He’d failed at doing all the things a father should do, he wasn't letting him take away his potential career too. That's when he decided he was not going to try anymore. He needed to heal, he needed to hear his mother's encouragement and finally do something for him, rather than what his father wanted him to do.
That didn't mean he didn't lose hope in his father changing, though. It had been over ten years since then, and he still eagerly answered every text his father sent, even if he only bothered to text when he did well in a race or saw social media talking about him. He didn't even reach out when Oscar publicly came out, which was six months into his relationship with Lando. The silence was deadly with his father, so Oscar had decided that his father disapproved. It didn't bother him overly, or maybe he was just telling himself that to block out the avalanche of unresolved trauma regarding his dad. He’d only ever told Logan and Lando the full extent of his father's antics, it was usually when he opened up to a potential interest about his background that they decided Oscar was too much. Oscar couldn't really blame them, they’d got so much on their plates and they expected to be falling in love with a future world champion, not the damaged man behind the facade.
Lando wasn’t like that, though. He was kind and patient and learnt what triggered his trauma responses. When someone spoke a little too loudly, he’d cover Oscar's ears. He would ensure conflict happened outside of the younger male's earshot, as that made anxiety rise in his chest and tears well in his eyes. He held Oscar when his dad failed to wish him happy birthday or return his infrequent calls. He understood why Oscar didn't go no contact because that was a battle he didn't have the energy to fight. He’d accepted years ago that his dad wasn't the man he needed, but every time he went to new extremes, it still stung like the first time he’d ever felt unlovable. He provided reassurance when Oscar hadn't even asked for it and knew before he did when something was wrong.
Oscar couldn't believe how lucky he’d gotten to have someone as caring as Lando in his life. A lot of the time, words failed him. But he tried his hardest to show Lando just how much his presence and patience with him meant. He was going to try and put that in his vows.
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Oscar didn't quite know what he was expecting when he sent his father the wedding invitation. After speaking with both Lando and Logan, he decided it was the best way to avoid conflict. Thank god the bloke had not changed address was all Oscar could think as he sealed the envelope and put it in the post. Thank god he still lived in Australia, that’d mean it would take longer to get there, longer for Oscar to prepare himself for a response.
They’d planned for a spring wedding. Just before the season started, but still giving themselves enough time to go for a cosy honeymoon. It wasn’t going to be big, just a gathering of family and close friends at a beautiful green in Monaco. It was them, it made sense. Somewhere calming and secluded with a hall nearby which they could decorate with vines and fairy lights for the reception. Logan had already offered to walk him down the aisle if his dad declined the invite, and as much as Lando wanted to have strong words with Mr Piastri, he also wanted his fiance to be happy.
He should have expected this response from his father. But half of him still thought he would have liked to have walked his eldest son down the aisle. Half of him thought he might even want to have witnessed their marriage. Isn't this the day all parents dream of for their kids?
His heart quickened in pace when he saw the alert and the name attached to it. The message was short, simple, and a stab in the fucking chest.
“Oscar. I received your letter today. I will not be able to attend your wedding, I have prior commitments I cannot get out of.”
He felt tears well in his eyes as he threw his phone face down on the bed, curling his legs up to his chest.
“Fucks sake!” he muttered under his breath, anger catching his tone. His message sounded like he was texting his fucking boss, not his son! What kind of prior commitments mean you can't come to your own son's wedding? Granted, it might not be the one his father had in mind for his son, but that shouldn't matter if you love your child unconditionally. His father didn't.
Reaching for his phone, Oscar closed his eyes as he unlocked it so as not to see his father's wretched message again, and clicked straight onto Lando's contact to call him. The elder male had nipped to the shop for a few essentials, and a new candle for their dining table as he was complaining the other one smelt too much like Vimto and he hated Vimto. After two rings, the other man picked up.
“Hey, all okay love? Sorry it's taking me so long, I'm looking at these candles and you’ll never guess who has taken over this shop now, you know how-”
“My dad texted. He's not coming.” And that set Oscar off. Floodgates open, and a waterfall cascaded from his eyes, which were already stinging. God, he could do with a hug.
“Bastard. I’m so sorry, love. I’ll come back now” Lando was so calm, so gentle in his tone so as not to overwhelm Oscar. His heart was racing, knowing his boy was sitting alone in their house and all he needed was him.
“I don’t know what I expected. I know it was stupid for me to ask him. I’ve never been good enough for him, so why would that change now? I've given so much to make him proud, I’m in formula one now for fucks sake. And it still isn't enough. Lando, why am I not enough? Is it too much for me to want to be loved by my own fucking dad!” His tone was coated in anguish, clearly hurt and frustrated with his dad's actions. Lando's heart shattered, it had been years since the last time Oscar had been this defeated by that waste of space.
“No, it's not too much to ask. And hey, it's him that doesn't deserve you, okay? For years you have been peaking in your career and have turned out as an incredible, kind and beautiful man who I have the honour of marrying. He is the problem here, not you okay? You are loveable. You are enough” Firm, but it needed to be to cut through the spiralling thoughts in Oscar's mind. Lando couldn't even see the younger man but he could hear the cogs turning in his brain, he could almost see into his hypothalamus and see the cruel words bouncing off the walls of his mind. They always said Oscar had a crooked mind, it helped him deal with his anxiety. And the crooked mind was truly excelling today.
Silence and sniffles filled the line for a few seconds before Oscar took a few deep breaths and wiped at his eyes as the moisture from his tears was making him itch. Oscar quit smoking just before he got into formula one, but I'm sure he could do with a cigarette right now. Moments like these reminded him why he smoked in the first place. He knew he shouldn't, but one wouldn't hurt. Especially not now.
“You promise” voice cracking and shaky, like he didn't even trust himself to form a sentence.
“I promise. I’d never lie to you, love.”
Oscar nodded, then realised Lando couldn't have seen it, making him giggle slightly. “Can you bring cigs back, please? Promise I just want the one, I just need to breathe.”
“Okay, just the one.” Lando agreed, before telling Oscar he loved him and putting the phone down. Wasting no time, Oscar grabbed his only remaining lighter, reserved for dire situations like this one, and made his way down to sit on the doorstep.
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“Thank you, for this” Oscar said, huffing out a cloud of smoke from his half-finished cigarette. Lando had joined him, inhaling gently before he answered.
“Hey, we all have our unhealthy coping mechanisms. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human who is struggling.” Oscar felt himself welling up again. What did he ever do to deserve such human sunshine?
Short inhale. Hold. Exhale and speak. “I guess so, Nobody ever expected me to be a smoker, but when the reality of what my dad was set in, I needed an outlet.” Lando only nodded in response, taking a toke off of his cigarette and ashing it onto the paved doorstep beside him. They should've bought an ashtray when they moved in, Lando made a mental note to get that when he next went out.
The tobacco taste on his tongue grounded him. It was vile, and it tasted like shit, but something about it was so enjoyable when he felt like his whole world was caving in. Maybe he was dramatic, maybe he should have gotten over this years ago. Maybe he should have spoken to occupational health when McLaren offered it to him. But all of that was a conversation for another day. Right now, he concentrated on the buzz he got when the smoke entered his lungs, how when he exhaled he felt like he could cope again. It was chilly outside, being the middle of November, the bitter air cooling the furnace inside. He could feel his head pounding, the pressure behind his eyes had him marginally concerned they were about to fall out. How could he get married with no eyes?
Head rested on the firm wall behind him, eyes closed, he focussed on finishing his cigarette, stumping it out on the ground after he inhaled for the last time. Logan had taught him to smoke right down to the filter as that would give you value for money, and ever since that day, he's never left a ciggie half finished. He taught Lando the same, beaming with pride as he saw Lando smoke down to the filter too. His influence was powerful.
“Feel a little bit better now?” Lando asked, letting smoke ooze from his lips as he enunciated.
“Much, thank you” Oscar scooted over to nestle himself into Lando’s side, getting close enough to lay his head on his chest, hearing the gentle thump of his heartbeat. It reminded him of safety. Oscar knew he was home.
“Good. Remember, you are too good for that man, okay? He’s missed so much of your life by being so up himself and cruel to you, why should he get to walk you down the aisle? I know you wanted him there, love, and I am truly sorry he’s been a prick about it. But our day will still be special, yeah?” Lando was always so genuine, and that's what Oscar loved most about him. How much he genuinely cared.
“Yeah. You’ll be there, and Logan and Max and Charles, and hey! Max and Charles might be together by the time our wedding rolls around!”
“My love, I hate to crush your dreams, but Charles is so oblivious and Max is being, and I mean this with the utmost respect, a pussy about it. There's a better chance of Alfa Romeo winning next season.”
The pair of them burst into a fit of giggles, creating a barrier between them and the bitter chill of the air. The smell of the corner shop's cheapest cigarettes (Lando didn't check the brand) had finally begun to fade. At that moment, Oscar knew everything would be okay. He sat up slightly, raised his right hand and cupped Lando’s cheek, making him face him.
“I love you, you know’ Oscar spoke quietly, keeping eye contact with the other man throughout every word. He needed Lando to know.
“I know, sappy sod! I love you too, forever.” He leaned forward to connect their lips, and then one magical kiss turned into five, and that's when Oscar lost count. He was too wrapped up in the sparks flying within his body. It felt so good, feeling Lando’s mouth synchronising with his own. They’d always worked well together like their bodies were sculpted to fit each other. The more they kissed, the more desperate it became, communicating so intensely through short actions. As they pulled away, Oscar was gasping for breath. Fuck. Lando blew his mind in every way possible.
“Make me forget today, please.” He panted.
“My pleasure,” Lando said lowly, taking Oscar’s hand and pulling him up from the ground, leading him inside and to the bedroom.
They were walking up the stairs when a burning question entered Oscar's mind. “By the way, did you buy that candle?”
Lando burst out laughing, stopping in his tracks to face his lover and give him his full attention. “We’re seriously about to fuck and you're thinking about the candle?”
“Well yeah, that's why you'd gone out today” They were shrieking with laughter as they proceeded to head towards the bedroom. That's what they loved the most about this, it was so real, so imperfectly perfect. So them. And Oscar couldn't help but be excited for his future.
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Seeing Lando stand at the altar with tears in his eyes and a big grin plastered over his face was a core memory that Oscar would never forget. Their whole wedding day was. He didn't spare a second thought for his absent father and didn't reply to his text that morning where he asked to be sent pictures. He didn't deserve to see any images of when he became Mr Norris. He could find out on Facebook later.
The gentle tones of the piano were what set both men off. Oscar had never been good at holding in his tears, every time he felt an emotion his body channelled it through crying. It was a quality Lando adored, he thought it showed just how big Oscar's heart was. As Oscar walked slowly down the aisle with Logan on his arm, he took a minute to take in the scene in front of him. His mother and siblings are in the front row, a seat empty for Logan. All of Lando’s family sat beaning at him, his grandmother taking pictures of him for their mantelpiece, as they loved Oscar like their own. Max and Charles sat on Lando’s side holding hands. Oscar remembers that cold November evening when he’d thought about that. Max wasn't that much of a pussy. Their fellow drivers, engineers and team members crowded the room. It was perfect.
Logan took his seat after giving Oscar a hug and a gentle arm squeeze, one that meant “You deserve this.” Because Oscar had come to realise he did deserve this. He was loveable. He was enough. He deserved Lando, despite his traumatic past. That didn't alter his worth.
“You look fit” Lando giggled slightly, forever the romantic.
“As do you, love.” More tears fell from Oscar's eyes, thank god he said no to the mascara Lando’s niece wanted to put on him to “enhance his eye colour” or else it would be creating patterns down his cheeks. Like he always did, Lando reached up with the pad of his thumb and dried Oscar's face, giving him a forehead kiss just before the marriage officiant took to the stand and initiated the beginning of the ceremony.
And the best bit for Lando? Not getting married to the love of his life and having all of his friends and family there. Not hearing Oscar's vows, which detailed so deeply how much he meant to the younger man and just how much he appreciated him, them and their bond. It was the fact that the candles decorating the room didn’t smell like Vimto.
And Oscar wouldn't have had it any other way. Because his dad's absence allowed him to have the best day of his life, Logan, who knew him better than most of his family, got to give him away. Everything was so imperfectly perfect, and that's all he’d ever wanted.