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"Then we start phase two. The mark will-" Nate fished for his ringing phone in his pocket. Whoever interrupted him at work better had a good reason to do so. He threw a quick glance at the screen. 'Sterling'. His irritation subsided into non-existence. Nate signed the others to wait a moment as he accepted the call.
"What is it?" No one answered. The constant rushing of water greeted him instead. The shower. Sterling was at home. Nate could even hear water drops splatter on the phone while he waited for a response. And feel the curious gazes of his crew behind his back as he stayed quiet for far too long.
When he was about to fake a conversation, he could make out shaky breathing, followed by a small whimper.
"Nate?" His guts twisted at the sound of that tearful voice, prompting memories he hoped to forget.
Nate sighed, playing up the annoyance he didn't feel and masking his flattering nerves. "Sure. On my way." With that, he hung up and when he turned around three pairs of eyes stared at him in confusion.
"Sterling," he explained, keeping his voice even with a hint of irritation.
Ignoring their groans, Nate nodded to Sophie. She knew. He didn't need to say more.
*
The door to Sterling's apartment opened quietly. Nate put away the lock pick and moved towards the ray of light that came from the bathroom. The rest of the apartment lay dark and quiet as he moved past the furniture. The sound of running water got louder the closer he came.
Nate stopped in front of the bathroom, took a moment to brace himself, and pushed the door open. Memories hit him like a hammer at the sight awaiting him. The weight on his shoulders, the tightness around his neck. He couldn't breathe! A crowd. Iron on his tongue. Blood. His? Sterling's? He wasn't sure. Cries, mingled with malicious laughter. And pain. So much pain!
"Get a grip!" Nate pressed through his teeth, his fingers digging into the wood of the door frame. The only thing keeping him on his feet besides his stubbornness.
Ground yourself. You're in Sterling's bathroom.
His fingers brushed over the door frame. He focused on the texture of the wood, taking in the pattern of the grain.
You're not there. It had burned to the ground. You'll never be there again!
His hands moved over his damp clothes. No blood. Just sweat and high humidity.
You're fine. Sterling isn't.
There was nothing around his throat. He was able to breathe freely. Nate forced his breath to slow down, to inhale and exhale less shallowly. He couldn't fall apart now.
And he observed the scene before him again.
Sterling knelt in the bathtub, back straight, hands in his lap, his eyes stared unfocused into the past that had tried to put its claws into Nate just moments before. His clothes lay neatly folded on the washing machine. The shower was running. Sterling didn't seem to notice. He didn't move as Nate approached him, didn't acknowledge his presence as he leaned over to shut the water off.
"Hello, Sterling." Sterling twitched away from him, and Nate winced. "It's me, Nate. You called. I guess to brag about how nice your bath is." He made a show of looking around. "I have to disappoint you. Mine is bigger."
No reaction. Despite the temperature in the room, Sterling shook like a leaf.
"Alright. I would like to join you in the bathtub. Can I join? It looks cozy."
"Y- You aren't real."
"Then you can't have any objection to me joining you, right?" Nate forced a smile on his lips.
Sterling mustered him out of the corner of his eye. He didn't dare to move his head. He barely nodded; it was almost indistinguishable from the constant shaking.
It took Nate barely a minute to dispose of everything except his pants. He grabbed a chair from the living room and some towels and a bathrobe and placed them within reach of the bathtub. "I'll enter now, don't get startled when I touch you. I just want to sit down."
He climbed into the tub, ignoring the sting of submerging too fast into too hot water. After a little bit of shuffling, he sat behind Sterling, who hadn't left his position. That gave him a good view of Sterling's back. The one spot he had voided to look at until now.
Nate couldn't keep his eyes off the stag branded into his skin, filling out Sterling's whole back. Black bile rose in his throat, followed by a pang of guilt. It was a masterpiece with all its fine details and the vilest thing he had ever set eyes on. And he was partly to blame for it.
Something hard pressed against his thigh, making sitting there even more uncomfortable and Nate fumbled blindly for it, careful not to touch Sterling. He had found the phone Sterling had used to call him. It was a sturdy one for outdoor usage. Waterproof. He put it on the empty soap dish and focused on Sterling again, who hadn't stopped shivering.
Nate grabbed a towel. "You are shaking. You must be cold. I would like to wrap you in a towel. May I?"
Another nod. Good. Sterling was present enough to-
"Thank you, master."
Nate stopped mid-movement, the towel dangling in the air. His blood ran cold. "Don't."
Sterling shrunk in front of him. Leaning away from him as much as possible without changing his position. "I'm sorry! I'll be better!"
"You did nothing wrong! May I touch you?"
Sterling froze and Nate hurried to wrap the towel around his waist to preserve the other man's dignity.
To his surprise, Sterling turned his head to look at him over his shoulder. His hazel eyes wide with fear as he searched for something in Nate's face. Reluctantly he nodded.
"I will not hurt you," Nate cooed. He never wanted to see that look on Sterling's face again. He never wanted to hear those words again. Slowly, carefully, he laid his hands on Sterling's shoulders and pulled him backward, forcing him out of his kneeling position, until his back rested against Nate's chest. Sterling whimpered but didn't struggle. Small mercies. Nate rested his head on Sterling's shoulder and his hands on top of Sterling's in his lap.
"I can be good," he said between sobs.
Wherever Alder was, he'd better drop dead before Nate crossed his path again.
"But I don't want you to be good. I want you to be you." And God knew Sterling could be a nasty piece of work. "Are you listening to me, Jim?"
Sterling nodded, stronger this time. The shaking had subsided to a weak tremble.
Nate swallowed the joke about there being a first time for everything and continued mumbling soothing nothings into Sterling's ear as he melted into the embrace.
Nate had lost track of time, but the water was already lukewarm, and the steam was long gone, when Sterling shuffled in his arms. He had been silent for a while, but now he grunted and mumbled to himself. An expression of annoyance Nate knew too well.
Sterling turned around in Nate's arms until they faced each other. He averted his eyes, staring at a spot behind Nate. Wet streaks marked his crimson face. "This is ridiculous."
"I agree." Nate reached for the next towel and wiped it over Sterling's face. "You're still sweating, while I'm beginning to freeze. My toes look like raisins! How do you tolerate bathing for so long?"
He got up to his feet and his body felt stiff after keeping one position for so long. His skin formed goosebumps when he stopped touching Sterling, missing his warmth already. Sterling would feel the same and so he offered him the towel he still held in his hand.
Nate's drenched pants clung uncomfortably to him while he stepped out of the tub. "Guess I have to borrow a pair of yours and ignore that they'll be at half-mast."
"In the closet. Third drawer, second row. You'll find a fitting pair," Sterling growled as he stood up. He still didn't look at Nate and focused on rubbing his hair dry with the towel.
Nate sighed. He needed a drink. Maybe Sterling did, too.
"Care for a drink?" He opted for a cheerful demeanor.
Sterling shook his head, occupied with everything but Nate.
"Something to eat?"
"Just... just go."
"I know," Nate said in a much more serious tone.
That got him Sterling's full attention.
"Believe me. I know." Just that Nate had Sophie.
"I- A drink would be fine and something to eat."
And Jim had him.