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Joan ran her tongue over the split in her bottom lip for the umpteenth time, feeling the puffed and raised edges above the groove where blood would well up and she would lick it away. Enjoying the taste of her own blood and the raw hamburger feel of her mouth while she uncoiled the braid she had wrapped around her head. Once the hank of hair was free of pins she switched from probing her lip with her tongue to poking the end of her braid in the open flesh, the ends of her hair prickled like a bunch of needles on her lip. She knew once it had scabbed over she would then move running a ragged nail over the area feeling the knitting flesh get caught on it and the sting of poking at a healing wound. And she knew occasionally she would squeeze it between her teeth to pry the scab off and set it bleeding anew.
Joan wasn’t sure if it was a habit left over from childhood or something that she started later in life: the prying open of wounds. She sighed. Not that it mattered much. It was just another crack, another fissure, another place open and raw and leaking. Her entire career was barely healed damage. When she was really deep into her “life sucks, why does all the shit happen to me” mindset, Joan would compare her whole life to a septic wound. She had told herself that someday she would lance the infection and let it out, but something always came up. Something would happen and she would shove the hurt and pain down. She would camouflage it with layers of humor, sarcasm, alcohol and time.
Joan thought about how this mission was to have been an easy in and out. Get to the stupid “dead” reaper ship, pick up their “package” and get out. Nope. Didn’t happen easy at all. Stupid Illusive Man always held something back, some piece of information that would have helped. Fucking asshole.
The door to her cabin slid open and Thane walked in looking at his omni tool and muttering under his breath. He glanced up and saw her sitting on the bed. Flicking his wrist, he closed the tool and stood at the top of the stairs. Thane’s eyes flicked over his lover noting the dark bruising at the corner of her mouth and on her cheek, the way her skin looked dry and papery, and an odd pain lurking in the depths of her eyes. He had never expected to want to wipe that pain away and see her eyes filled with joy. He was surprised at how strong his desire was to make her happy. It was odd to feel such things after being in his battle sleep for so long.
“Siha, there are easier ways of getting your teeth knocked out than using the recoil of a sniper rifle. Especially that Widow you insist on using.” His voice rumbled out to caress her ears like warm honey.
Joan groaned and flopped back onto the bed. “I know. “ She looked over at him. “I can’t help it. It satisfies something in me to watch a husk explode, and it takes out a marauder head in one shot.” Joan sighed. “I love that gun.” She narrowed her eyes as a though occurred to her. “You want my Widow, don’t you?” She smirked at him.
This was a game they had played before. Thane would pretend to want one of her weapons or some other material item, he would tease and poke at her until her mood lightened and she gave him something he actually wanted. Usually herself. She took the elastic band off the end of her braid and shot it at him. He smirked back at her when it went wide and struck the fish tank.
“Yes, that has been my plan all along.” Thane laughed as he walked down the stairs to the bed. He knelt on it to loom over her. “Why would I want that gun, when you know I prefer to be up close and personal?” Thane’s voice had dropped even lower and His eyes were half lidded, heat filling them as he stared down at her. His lips curved into a smile. “I would much rather take your Paladin.”
Joan felt a shiver race up her spine; she didn’t understand how he could put so much fire in his eyes when she could barely see his dark green iris. So she rolled her eyes at him. Thane began to strip off the rest of her hard suit that she hadn’t gotten around to taking off before she started to probe her lip. He let out a low rumble as he got Joan down to her under suit and began to strip that off as well. Joan sighed and let him maneuver her as he saw fit to finish striping her down to nothing but her underwear and sports bra. At that point he stood up leaving her lying on her stomach with her arms under her head and stripped out of his jacket and vest.
He climbed back onto the bed, lying down on his side, and began running his fingers through her braid to unweave the hair. When it was loose, he stared at the top of her head, pressing the pads of his fingers on her scalp and stoked downward to the base of her skull. Joan sighed. She loved it when Thane rubbed her head. He told her once how he liked the way her hair felt under his hands and the way it slid along his scales. How he would wake to find it spread across his face and neck when she slept with her head against his chest. She had a feeling there was more to it than that, but she didn’t press for answers. Joan was glad that she hadn’t given in to Anderson’s warning about long hair when she joined the Alliance. Thinking about her hair and why she kept it long when it would be so much easier to cut it, she broke the comfortable peace that had sprung up between them.
“Thane?” Joan kept her voice low. Her mood shifted just from her lover’s gentle caresses.
“Hmmm?” He rasped. His rhythmic stroking of her hair and the quiet of the cabin had lulled him into a half trance.
“I am going to tell you a secret. But you have to promise me that you won’t laugh.”
Thane’s attention perked up at her statement. “Is it a naughty secret?” he grunted when Joan reached over and poked him in the stomach.
“No. It’s about why my hair is long. Don’t laugh. Promise me.” She stared at him.
“Alright.” He said nuzzling the side of her head. “I promise.”
Joan pushed herself upright and shook her wrist. When her omni tool activated she used it to cause the display case holding her model ships to black out and turn into a vid screen.
“My Mom loves space, when I was small she called it ‘the future’. Said that the destiny of the human race was waiting, and there was anything we could imagine out here in the black.” Joan paused while she typed busily on her tool. “Well, she also loves Earth’s 20th century vids. One of her favorites was one called Star Wars. This vid is 209 years old now.” Joan found what she was searching for and threw the pictures up on the vid screen. “This is one of the main characters, Princess Leia.” She showed Thane several pictures of a dark haired woman in a white robe with her hair coiled into large buns on the sides of her head covering both ears. “She was one of my mother’s favorite characters and mine as well. She is amazing. We will have to watch these vid’s some time. You might get a kick out of what humans used to imagine the way space was. Anyway, Mom would do my hair like this when I was feeling down or getting picked on when there were other children around. Being the Captain’s daughter was never easy.” Joan sighed. “So I kept my hair long. When I first started the N7 program and we had shore leave I would do my hair up this way. Just for something different. It got old having to braid it and coil it around my head.”
Thane looked at the vid screen and back at Joan. He gathered up her hair into two bunches on either side of her head. “Hmmm…” he rumbled. “Might be interesting to see the crew’s reaction to your hair like that.”
Joan grabbed her hair out of his hands and shook it at him. “You can be so weird, it’s a shame you never let anyone but me see it.” She snickered. She dropped her hair letting it fall down her back. She ran her hands over the top of her head, grimacing at the feeling of dried sweat at her hairline. “Oh yes that would go over so well, you know Joker would break himself trying to get pictures. We’d be dead in the water without a pilot.”
Joan cleared the vid screen and closed her tool. She turned back to look at Thane. “I need to shower. Wash the day off. I won’t be long. Can you go down the mess, grab us some food and come back up?”
“Certainly, Siha.” Thane replied, although he knew why she asked him. He leaned over and pressed a light kiss to her lips and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I will be back shortly.”
He stood up and put his vest back on; picked up his coat he walked over to the smaller desk in the cabin and laid it over the chair. Joan watched him walk out of the room and hurried into the bathroom to take one of the quickest showers of her life. Since she had started to see Thane and really think about what she felt for him, she would take the shortest showers she could. Cooler ones as well, to keep the steam and humidity to a minimum. She debated on having the fish tanks emptied but wasn’t sure how to go about that. Joan had her body scrubbed and her hair washed in a few minutes.
She was sitting on the bed dressed in a tank top and her underwear brushing the water from her hair when Thane returned to the room, his hands full of whatever Gardner had made. Moving over to the couches, they ate in relative silence, enjoying each other’s company. Thane finished first and relaxed back into the seat and closed his eyes. Joan set her plate down and stood. She walked to where Thane was sitting; straddling his lap, she sat down facing him.
“Thane” She said as he opened his eyes. Joan leaned in and ran her hands along his cheek frills. “Will you stay? No sneaking out to ‘meditate’ in the middle of the night?” Her eyes searched his looking for some reason for his hesitation to spend the entire night with her.
Thane lifted his hand and stroked a finger along the bruise on her face. He thought he would hurt Joan by telling her that the only woman he had ever spent the entire night with was his wife. That the first time he woke in Joan’s bed he thought she was Irikah. That for a moment he expected a much younger Kolyat to come running in and jump on the bed demanding breakfast. And that the past years of pain and heartache had never happened.
He didn’t want to explain that that fantasy. It broke when Joan shifted in her sleep, her hair sliding across his chest. It was the hair that let him know that she wasn’t his wife. When he closed his eyes and she would curl up against him it almost felt the same. He didn’t know how to explain that the peace he felt with Joan, the wholeness of spirit. He had only felt like that once before in his life, when he was with Irikah. He didn’t want Joan to think he was trying to use her as a replacement. The two women were nothing alike, except that they both tried to protect people the best they knew how.
Thane didn’t want to tell Joan any of those feelings when their relationship was still fragile, when it could shatter so easily. He wanted her to have good memories in the event the worst happened and he didn’t make it out of the Collector base. If he made it out, then, when Kepral’s finally took him, she would have good memories still.
Thane was frowning and had that faraway look as if he was remembering something. He must be doing it intentionally since he wasn’t narrating. She took ahold of his hands and waited for him to speak. When he focused back on her he smiled slightly. “Siha, I don’t know.” He said slowly.
Joan closed her eyes and swallowed. She should have expected it. Although they each still had secrets they hadn’t told each other, Joan was glad Thane was honest with her. But it still hurt. She took a deep breath and let it out before opening her eyes.
“I am truly sorry. It is not a reflection on you or how I feel about you. It is…hard. Irikah, --” He began only to have Joan cut him off by placing her fingers on his mouth. Joan didn’t know if she could handle a confession right now.
“Thane, don’t. We haven’t promised each other anything. And some wounds will never heal.” Joan felt the tip of his tongue touch her fingers.
Thane wrapped his fingers around her wrist and pulled her fingers down his chin to his chest, then trapping that hand under his. He cupped the back of her head with his free hand and pulled her down for a kiss. Sweeping his tongue along the seam of her mouth, he growled a bit when she complied and opened her lips. When Joan’s other hand grabbed his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in closer. Moving his arms lower to support her weight, he stood up and walked them over to the bed. Sometimes Thane thought it was better to use actions than words. Sometimes words just probed at wounds better left alone.
He sat down on the bed and fell back then rolled them over. Thane broke the kiss and looked down at Joan. “I do not know if I will be able to stay all night Joan” he whispered. “But I will try.”
Joan broke into a brilliant smile and pulled him down for a searing kiss. She moved her lips to the corner of his mouth and along ribbing under his frill. “Thank you Thane.” She whispered back. “I appreciate that you are willing to try, for me. Being with you brings me so much peace.”
“I understand, I think.” He whispered back. He ran his hand down her side, and back up as she continued to kiss and suck on his ribbing. A low rumble escaped his chest.
Her lips found his mouth again and her tongue swept into his mouth to rub against his. She groaned at the feel of it. It always took her off guard, as the texture was not quite that of a human’s tongue, but otherwise there was no difference. Thane’s hand moved from her side to rub her torso just under her breast. Thane broke the kiss to sit up and shed his vest and remove his boots. While he was doing so Jane knelt behind him and kissed his shoulders. She laid her head against his back and listened to his breathing. Today must have not been too harsh; while his lungs didn’t sound clear precisely, she couldn’t hear the low wet moaning noises that usually accompanied a bad day.
“Do you want to continue this, or try to get some rest?” She asked as she ran her hands up and down his back, feeling the muscles ripple beneath his scales. Joan was keyed up but also tired. Her traitorous mind reminded her that she wouldn’t get much time with Thane. There were two things that would take him from her, if he survived the Collectors, eventually it would be the Kepral’s. She placed another small kiss between his shoulder blades. Forever would still not be enough time. The thought that she wanted forever scared her. It was the first time she wanted something beyond a bit of fun on shore leave. Joan placed another kiss at the back of his neck.
Thane had finished taking off his boots and was still, letting her place small kisses on him. Joan reached around and hugged him from behind, pressing her cheek to his back. She closed her eyes and tried not to think of Thane being gone. She tightened her arms a bit and relaxed the tense muscles when he began rubbing her arms.
“I think we should finish what we started.” He rasped out as he drew her hands to the closures on his leathers.