Work Text:
Tim didn't cry
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When he saw Conner, his lifeless body, he didn't cry. He stood in the distance watching the motionless body, his face managing no emotion as he saw the tattered and torn clothes, the bruises and the blood sliding from his head to the ground.
Even as he felt someone's hand on his shoulder, he just stood there, unmoving.
He saw Cassie crying over the body as she hugged him, tears falling on the worn clothes and bruised skin. He also watched as they moved Cassie away from the body and placed a sheet over it.
Cassie was still crying inconsolably, her legs at some point failing her and causing her to fall to the ground as she rubbed her hands over her eyes.
When the body was taken away, he kept looking at the spot where he had been, he heard Bruce's words saying 'I'm sorry', but he kept looking at the spot on the ground where Conner had been earlier.
Even a week later, Tim didn't cry.
Almost everyone in the superhero community had told him how sorry they were for his loss and that they understood.
They didn't.
No one understood.
He hadn't spoken to Cassie since, he knew it would be an awkward conversation, and he wanted to avoid it at all costs, just like everyone else.
She had been told that he seemed more distracted and should probably take a break. He had also been told that he seemed affected by the fact that he hadn't shed a tear.
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Tim was in the living room of his apartment, sitting on the couch, all the lights were off and the only thing illuminating the room was the moonlight coming through the window.
He was staring at the floor, still seeing Conner's body, it was as if he was in front of it right now. In fact since then, he had not stopped seeing him, maybe that's why he was not working so well anymore.
He heard footsteps, he knew he had to get up and check who it could be, but he was still there, looking at Conner's body. He felt someone's hand on him, and even though he knew it was impossible, for some reason, he wanted it to be Conner.
'Tim' It was dick.
He hadn't even made the effort to lift his head and look at him, he was still looking at Kon's body.
'I haven't seen you for days, I wanted to visit you.' He felt the foreign body sit next to him, the sudden sinking of the couch.
'Hello.' And then for the first time he turned and deigned to look Dick in the face, his eyes were completely empty, showing no emotion.
'How have you been?' Another awkward conversation that would be cut short with two more sentences, he really didn't want to be a participant. He turned his gaze back to Kon's body.
'...' The silence he had kept probably told Dick by itself that he wasn't in the mood to talk.
'It's okay, I understand.' No, it wasn't, why did they keep saying that?
Because people pretended that 'I understand' made him feel better.
They understood absolutely nothing.
They hadn't idea. They weren't the ones watching the still, bloody body of their best friend, their boyfriend, every damn day. They didn't lose one of the pillars of their life. They don't feel the emptiness in their heart since then, they don't feel the absence of their most important person every day, they don't remember him every moment, they don't wake up recalling his memories.
So why did they claim to understand what he felt?
Why did people pretend to make you feel better with those words?
They were like a machine gun right in his heart, like a taunt to him, it was silly.
'I have to go, promise to send me a message.' Dick's voice brought him out of his thoughts. 'See you, and please lock the door.'
He was right, he had forgotten to lock the door, or he just didn't care enough. That's why he had gone in without Tim having to stop to open the door.
Tim wouldn't have opened the door for him.
He didn't make the effort to stand and lock the door, instead, he stood still in place watching Conner's body and began to remember.
He began to remember each of her moments together with him, from the time they met in Young justice, to the last time he saw him.
And then, only then in the solitude of his memories, Tim allowed himself to cry.
Tim allowed all those tears that hadn't come out during that week to come out as he remembered over and over again all his moments together with Kon.
He remembered his smile and the sparkle in his eyes when he was happy.
He remembered when his eyes lost their sparkle when he was sad or angry.
And then the silence that once ruled his house had been replaced by the echo of him sobs and him gasping breaths.
And then Tim, he allowed himself to drown in his tears, he allowed himself to be loud, he allowed himself to scream and thrash as he cried.
He wanted to hug Conner's body, to ask him not to leave, not to abandon him, to magically get up and hug Tim again so he could feel the warmth of his body on his.
Tim allowed himself to drown for hours while still looking at Kon's lifeless body in front of him.
He wished it was all a dream, a nightmare from which he would wake up at any moment, turn around and see Kon next to him sleeping in his bed, alive.