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i wished one day that you would get better.
on the chair next to your hospital bed, i would squirm a little, waiting for some miracle to happen. you were sometimes awake, you were sometimes sleeping, and sometimes you were in pain.
it hurt, but not as much as the pain you’re feeling now. it would never amount to it, therefore why is someone like me complaining about these overwhelming feelings stuck in my throat?
nothing can ever come out of my mouth, i know that too well. i would be laughed at, ridiculed, and my name would be hung up for all to shame on for as long as i live. the people i have interacted with and met will always have the capacity to make fun of others, so it’s only the best option to hide your true feelings away, right? im still living a bit peacefully, and till this day, im hanging on. i have to hang on.
i refused to cry and i refused to smile. i needed to keep my emotions locked away. i needed to meet these high expectations to finally show that i am capable of being an intelligent and diligent leader.
of being someone?
i’d like to be someone, rather than being left in the dust, don’t i?
…
there’s someone who i hold dearly very much.
she wears an all black school uniform, with single white stripes. a purple bow accompanies it. her hair is a shiny silver gray that almost quite literally stands out when exposed to light. she says her hair is bland, but i believe its… nice to look at. beautiful too, isnt it?
hm, i may just be a bit stupid for falling for someone like you. despite this, ill make sure to never let go of the dying you in my grasp. the thought of someone you held close to your heart before disappearing and leaving, and having to live each passing day knowing you will never get to exchange words with them? id rather die than go through it. i might have more of a chance to meet you again, anyways. you wont leave me, yeah? youll be alive and stay here with me? please answer me someday.
maybe i can finally be loved for my flaws, too? thinking about it makes me want to reveal a bit about myself, for once. isnt that freeing?
god, this is too fucking cheesy. ill shut my thoughts out for now.
taking a deep breath, i open a door to a white hospital room, full of subtle sorrow and sentimentality.
the one i hold closest to my heart looks out the open window, weak and frail. she seemed as if she'd been staring for a while, keeping her gaze on the sky. despite a big part of her bangs covering her face, its easy to see that both of her eyes are squinted, too. is she tired? or maybe the sunlight is too much? i meekly put my trivial thoughts and wonders in the back of my brain, and approached her bed quietly, hoping not to make any excess sound from my increasing steps.
before i could say anything, the two white curtains that were attached and flowing on the top of the window opening moved in unison with the wind, and a purple butterfly with black outlines and white spotting flew right between them, creating a beautiful sight, just in a bland room of a bustling hospital. my face was showing no expression, but it seemed almost calming to look at colorful insects from the wild sometimes.
instead of the butterfly almost immediately flying out the window, it flew across the room.
i faced my friend, the butterfly, and my friend yet again. turning my whole body to face her, i spoke a bit quietly and softly, obviously noticing the apparent melancholy coming from her appearance and body language. she cant be deteriorating that fast, right? hopefully she had the energy to answer.
“hey, ayamari-”
before i could really convey anything, quickly i paid attention to her eyes, darting around the room. she was so still and quiet, yet saying so much as she laid her eyes on the purple butterfly, traveling to different parts of this room. the purple butterfly ended up almost everywhere – taking up all the nooks and crannies of this little place with ease. ayamari, on the other hand, did not move a wink, only relying on her eyes to be able to stare at the butterfly. she just about lifelessly followed the flying butterfly with only her pupils, not blinking or even breathing during the whole ordeal.
left, right, up, right, down, and again, and again, and again.
she would not stop, nor would the butterfly leave.
it rests a bit on the light in the middle of the roof, and ayamari stared and stared. i assumed the bright light could be too much for her to stare at for too long, but she kept her gaze at that butterfly. no sound came from her lips or the bed she’s on. i, on the other hand, couldnt bear to watch anymore, so at the point she just would not move her eyes altogether and kept on staring, my head hung downwards, facing my shoes. i could not feel anything else but the agonizing and deafening sound of silence, and at that moment, it almost brought me to my knees in helplessness. my heart ached. she has to get better. she has to get better. she has to get better.
sinking deeper into my mind, my gaze went upwards when i felt some movement near my forehead. it was the purple emperor butterfly, fluttering near my face. i did not have the time to react however, as the butterfly landed on my nose and rested there next.
i didnt make any sorts of movement, and i set my eyes upon the butterfly. did ayamari want to be like this butterfly? to be able to move and be free, wherever she wants? was she jealous? was she glad that this butterfly was blessed to have a good life? the patterns on the butterfly’s wings were ethereal and oh-so perfect, it could just maybe bring me to tears. it delicately glistened as the artificial light above me bounced on it.
“you look beautiful, lilian.”
the sudden voice made me almost jump, but i was able to hide it all, and kept the butterfly sitting on my nose. i could have bursted into tears right now, isnt that a bit funny? i sucked all my emotions up into the back of my throat.
“sorry for scaring you like that,” ayamari apologized, a slightly monotone expression showing on her face. “i was a bit focused on staring at it. i also have this date later on today with a friend, and i was thinking about it a bit too hard.”
the word “date” maybe made me wince a little bit, but it was quite unnoticeable. i sighed, crossing my arms, ignoring the butterfly for just a second.
“i wasnt scared, ayamari.”
“hm, if you say so,” she answered, having a tiny smug smile plastered on her.
“and why would i be scared of that?”
“yeah, yeah, yeah…” ayamari was silent for a little, and finally spoke again. “hey, would you mind doing me a favor? can you maybe try to get that butterfly on your finger?”
“oh, hm. i can try,” i answered with my usual level-headed tone of voice. i gently brought my right hand and put the tip of my index finger against the tip of my nose. as expected, the butterfly transferred themselves to my finger, and i held my hand out a bit, the same level as my eyes.
“ah, wow,” she leaned a bit to the sight in enjoyment, “thats better. you look pretty nice with it.”
i thought for a bit, and decided to tease her right then and there. still keeping the mature tone, i replied to her. “you called me beautiful, and now what… pretty nice?”
“hey, you are a friend of mine, you know. cant i not say that?”
“oh,” i blurted out the second she stopped, “well if you say it that way, thank you.”
“you’re welcome.”
i couldnt help but feel my heart drop every second.
just a friend. huh?
really…
i do mean something more than that, right? right?
i sound a bit crazy for thinking this, dont i..?
i know she doesnt like me back. its all evident on how she acts around me.
its so genuinely fucking ridiculous, i know, but i cant stop thinking about how ill never be loved back. i dont really have anyone, shes the only person im hanging on to at this point.
its… pathetic? i dont know. i dont like it. i dont even like myself. ive accepted that long ago.
no, thats a lie. i cant accept it?
why does someone like me expect to be loved, when i have never been before?
ah, i dont like these thoughts, just kill me already. please.
ah, its hurts, its not fair.
not even the person i care about the most feel the same.
it hurts.
“hey, lilian, promise me this,” declared ayamari suddenly.
“live on for me, okay? try not to die. thats all i ask.”
i didnt answer, i only stood there quietly. i wanted to say something so desperately, i wanted to say so much, but less than nothing rolled off my tongue. instead of attempting to sympathetically ask if i was okay, she made an annoying remark, one full of the intention of teasing me back.
“you seem shaken up. i didnt know you loved me so much lilian, dont miss me too much when im gone, ‘kay?”
i didnt react nicely.
“who said you can assume anything about me? god.”
i angrily kicked the hospital bed way too hard, to the point it almost broke. she slammed into desk next to her bed, her untouched phone now flying across the floor. ayamari, holding her wrist in pain, stared at me in horror for a few seconds, before she shouted back.
“what the f- okay?? god, im so fucking sorry i guess. is that what you wanted to hear?”
ayamari groaned loudly, visibly hurt and very much annoyed at the same time.
“actually, no, just get out. i thought i was going to get killed there, you know all of this is keeping me alive, right?”
she stared right at me.
“get out.”
the statement full of rage rung in my head, i did something i would regret later on, and oh god, i regret it.
“wait, ah, sorry, sorry ayamari-”
we were already too heated up in the moment for us to notice the butterfly flying out the window.
“...yeah. and?”
“i know. i messed up. ill try to-”
“why do you think thisll get anywhere? i was scared fucking shitless, lilian. yeah i understand its my fault but… seriously? come on. do better.”
ayamari crossed her arms.
“i expect way- lilian are you… are you crying??”
no i wasnt. i wasnt crying. i wasnt crying. i cant do that.
even if i deny it, droplets of water still fall from my eyes.
“no, im not.”
i turned, hiding my face.
“im not… im not…”
i hastily wiped my eyes and cheeks.
without a second thought, i proceeded to the store, but something pulled me back.
a hand was grasping onto my shirt.
it was ayamari’s.
i grasped ayamari’s wrist and sloppily tried to make her let go, “let g- can you fucking let go?? let me go. you said i should fucking go.”
“how long have you held your emotions like this?”
the question ive been waiting to be asked for my whole life, so sudden and dizzying, made me stare back at her in horror. i didnt even mind the tears falling anymore, i stared and stared, until i slowly sat on the ground and leaned my head against the bed. ayamari let go, and i couldve left, but i was so affected by the question that i couldnt bring myself to do it. my face was towards the floor and one of my hands were on the side of the bed. i tried so hard not to make any kind of noise as this foreign liquid seeps out from the corners of my eyes, gripping the bed tightly. its so shameful, but what could i really do at that moment?
“i was so heated at that moment, im… sorry. its surprising to see you like this, i thought you were always stone faced, but besides the point-”
i had so much to say, but i can barely say any coherent sentences. i tried, anyways.
“no.. no… i.. no. ah, uhm- i…”
towards the ending of my mumbles, it sounded so fucking embarrassing and miserable, i honestly could have just tried choking myself right then and there! not only that, but i accidentally gasped a bit too loudly, which made me stop resting my head against the bed and onto my lap, my face a bit red as i hoped no one heard me. i audibly groaned at myself, why did you let yourself do that??
“lilian… hey-”
its no use anymore to hide, now. i tried to muster up all my worries and get them out of my mouth, no matter how embarrassing and fucked up i sounded. its now or never, isnt it? shes going to leave someday. there will be no miracle.
“you- gh- you wont- um,” i kept on sniffling, and it does not at all mix well with my irregular breathing. even so, i sucked up and ignored the red appearing on my cheeks and the increasing shame thats building up.
“leave.. me… i dont.. i dont- i-”
she brought me into an abrupt hug, one i never would have expected. not in a million years.
huh, thats my cue to let everything out, isnt it?
and let everything out, i did.
i became such a mess, i guess. i buried my face into her shoulder as i shamelessly sobbed my sorrows and fears into her neck. do you care about me? are you going to stay? can you stay for a little longer?
every time i tried to make any kind of sound, i loudly snorted and sniffled at every syllable. i would whine every 30 seconds about it, frustration clearly increasing. she didnt make fun of it, rather she rubbed my back and sat patiently.
she listened?
she didnt shame me?
im so fucking grateful to have someone like her.
i kept on making noise and i kept on embarrassing myself even more, to the point im still surprised that no one came in to check what commotion may be going on in this room yet. i did calm down after what seemed like a long while, still sitting on the floor and head down on ayamari’s shoulder. couple of sniffles hear and there, but i did feel serene revealing a bit of whats going on in my mind. i never told anyone before, until now.
“im glad you trusted me enough to.. say all of that,” ayamari whispered.
“i hope you feel better. and… thanks. sorry, im not that good at comforting, though i guess its a bit obvious,” she giggled nervously a bit.
i peeked at her with my tear-stained face, but i didnt care one bit, i was already so comfortable.
i gave her a genuine smile, one of gratitude and admiration.
“just you being here is enough, ayamari.”
“okay, i know its a bit sudden, but lilian-”
“uhm, yeah?”
“you’re sitting on my phone.”
i shifted away from her immediately, revealing the phone that was previously below me.
“oh… fuck.”
ayamari grabbed it and set it on her bed, not bothering to wipe it or check any notifications.
“thanks man.”
“...you’re welcome.”