Chapter Text
Chapter 1.
AN: tysm 2 my bf (only a little homo) eddie, skankinusa420 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Charlie ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! RBF ROX!
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Hi my name is Tom Rud'Boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska and I have short brown hair (that’s not how I got my name) with blue streaks and blue tips that is spiked up really cool and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Guy Fieri (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Tomas Kalnoky but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a wizard and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a rudeboy (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly checkers. I love Zumiez and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a Reel Big Fish tee shirt with a cool Hawaiian shirt and some jorts, Rick and Morty socks and checkered Vans. I wasn't wearing any makeup. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of normies stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
“Hey Tom!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Elliot Gough!
“What’s up Elliot?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me tysm!
Chapter 2.
AN: tysm 2 skankinusa420 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW normies stop flaming ma story ok!
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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was black and white checker print. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant RBF t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a Planet Smashers tee shirt, a chain necklace, black Vans and different jorts on. I put on no pairs of earrings in my unpierced ears, and spiked my hair in a kind of cool way.
My friend, Bandit (AN: eddie dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his short messy brown hair with red streaks and opened his ocean-blue eyes. He put on his Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt with blue jeans, regular socks and those shoes that every dad wears ever. We put on no makeup.
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Elliot Gough yesterday!” he said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Elliot?” he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Elliot walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.
“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, Less than Jake are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love LTJ. They are my favorite band, besides RBF.
“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
I gasped.
Chapter 3.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY NORMIEZ OK! odderwize tysm 2 da ska ppl 4 da good reveiws! TYSM AGEN EDDIE! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Less Htan Jake.
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On the night of the concert I put on my checkered Vans with black laces. Underneath them were novelty socks. Then I put on different jorts with a bunch of pockets and stuff. I put on a checkered belt. I spiked my hair more and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I took my antidepressants that I forgor. I read a steven universe comic while I waited for them to kick in and I listened to some LTJ. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of nice cologne. Then I put on some chapstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I don't really wear makeup. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
I went outside. Elliot was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Mighty Mighty Bosstones t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
“Hi Elliot!” I said in a depressed voice.
“Hi Tom.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 42069) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Less Than Jake and Goldfinger. We both smoked weed and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Less Than Jake.
“Do you know about her strength in convictions
Or how she puts all her faith in religion?
Did we take the time to really discover
How little we know about each other?
.” sang Chris(I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
“Chris is so fucking hot.” I said to Elliot, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Elliot looked sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
“Really?” asked Elliot sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Chris and he’s going out with his wife probably. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly insert-hair-color-here face.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Elliot. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Roger and Chris for their autographs and photos with them. We got LTJ concert tees. Elliot and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Elliot didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!
Chapter 4.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok Tom’s name is TOM nut mary su OK! Elliot IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
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“Elliot!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Elliot didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.
“Tom?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Elliot leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
And then…………… suddenly just as I Elliot kissed me passionately. Elliot climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my jorts. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was…………………………………………………….Bing!
Chapter 5.
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a normie or a posr! Da only reson Bnig swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
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Bing made and Elliot and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Elliot comforted me. When we went back to the castle Bing took us to Professor Paul and Professor Dungate who were both looking very angry.
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor Dungate.
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Paul.
And then Elliot shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”
Everyone was quiet. Bing and Professor Dungate still looked mad but Professor Paul said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
Elliot and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
“Are you okay, Tom?” Elliot asked me gently.
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the boy’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into literally just another t-shirt and sweatpants. When I came out….
Elliot was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘the science of selling yourself short’ by Less Than Jake. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.