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Rui wakes up in a cold sweat, breath slightly uneven as he stares up at the ceiling. He lays still, not daring to move a muscle in fear of waking up Nene, who’s fast asleep right next to him.
He gives a quick glance over towards his left, assuring himself that Nene was indeed asleep, before letting his eyes flutter to a close, inhaling slowly in hopes of calming his racing heart. His hands clutch the ending of the blanket, knuckles turning white, holding it close to his chest.
It’s a little weird. He doesn’t remember much of what it was that he had dreamt about, but something about it had felt so dark, cold, and lonely.
Just like that time back then.
He knew he shouldn’t worry about it so much. That time is done, it’s over with… And yet, he can’t help but feel some type of way when remembering it. It’s conflicting, the feeling. It’s not one that’s easily explainable – Rui had never been good at that, feeling and being able to express it. All he knows is that it reminds him of the cold that left him frozen; stuck in a recurring state of avoidance, ultimately leaving him to suffer the consequences - forced into that blizzard of loneliness.
The cold that comes with being alone; Rui is all too familiar with it.
That time during middle school, the isolation and the distance. It was hard, but he made it work. And he survived it. He survived the pain and the loneliness, the feelings of desperation, fleeting thoughts, and forever unspoken words.
Rui survived the inescapable isolation and the distance.
He told himself that he was fine, being away from Nene, nearly every day. He was fine - and yet he couldn’t help the way his thoughts would drift her way almost every single moment of the day. The chilling coldness that he’d feel growing in his chest everytime that she crossed his mind; it sprouted throughout his chest like a flower, coursing through his body like never ending, growing vines. The impact left him shivering, his body tingling with unease.
He told himself that he had been fine.
He’d walk around every day, worrying for her and wondering what she had been up to. He wondered, so often. Did she make any new friends once he had graduated and moved to a new school? Did she still struggle to express herself and talk to strangers?
Did she still rewatch The Little Mermaid in her free time, reciting each line and lyric word for word, while happily acting it out? Did she still use the homemade karaoke machine that he had made for her eleventh birthday? Did she still subconsciously hum their favorite songs as she did her homework? Did she miss him like he missed her?
He wondered and worried and fretted so much, but he made no move to contact her; the possible thought of being ignored or rejected planted a sense of anxiety. Instead, he’d find himself staring idly at her contact in his phone, only to end up clicking the power button to shut it off, sighing and sliding the device across his desk.
Out of sight, out of mind.
During those moments of no contact, he’d sit alone in his garage, amidst all of his seemingly eccentric creations, and he’d miss her. He’d miss her presence, constantly. He’d miss her soft tone of voice, and her annoyed quips— whenever he’d purposely annoy her to get a rise out of her. He’d miss the way she kept him company, listening to her soft and gentle melodies as he’d build.
He missed her curiosity. He missed the way she’d watch over his shoulder, eyebrows furrowed as she tried her hardest to guess what he was trying to create.
He missed her small, but radiant smile. He missed the melodic sound of her laughter. Always, she would roll her eyes at his horrible attempts at making jokes, in an endeavor to get her to smile, only for her to playfully shove his shoulder and laugh anyways.
He missed her comfort, how easy it was to be himself around her. He missed how easily he could feel accepted by someone, how easily the feeling of being liked by someone had been accessible.
He missed all of those things, but most of all, he missed Nene. He couldn’t have any of those things if he didn’t have Nene, because Nene had brought all of those things to fruition.
It was crazy; to have someone so close to you, yet so painstakingly far away.
It was a horrible feeling, to know that she was so close by.
She had been nothing more than a door away, one of which had been only a few feet away. He could’ve easily walked over to it, and simply knocked. Somehow, it felt hard to do so.
He survived the pain and the loneliness. He survived the longing .
Rui didn’t know just how much he’d miss being known, being cared for, being seen and understood .
Understood. He longed to understand.
How such a simple word could hold such meaning, it baffled him.
The pain of being unknown and misunderstood, he’d known it all too well. It had been a major issue throughout the entirety of his childhood.
For someone like him who had gone through such seclusion. The feeling of wanting to be someone that can befriend and get along with others without an issue. The feeling of wanting to be someone that others would be able to trust wholeheartedly, no matter their quirks and eccentricities; something that had made someone so undeniably themselves, so undeniably human.
The feeling of wanting to understand, a desire to know why he was being misunderstood.
To be different amongst the people that he was supposed to grow to know, only to be shunned away for being a “prodigy”, for being eccentric and curious.
A child prodigy, they would call him. How could such a title become so isolating, he wondered.
A child prodigy, they would say, who could understand and retain newfound information so very easily, but once it came to understanding something as simple as another child his age, he was confused. At a loss for words, for what to do and how to act, he was.
How could one be so smart, yet feel so utterly dumb when it came to discerning other people?
That was one of the only times he caught himself feeling inferior.
Rui could see it play out in his mind, the vision of the distance between his classmates and him growing. The vision of them walking ahead of him, their footsteps echoing in the space between them, distancing themselves from him as they walked ahead. The feeling of their presence becoming thin. Everyone else had seemed to get along, so why couldn’t he do the same? What was it? What was he missing? What was he doing wrong?
According to him, he’d done his part. He tried his hardest to be liked, to gain their trust. If he gained their trust, surely they would like him; surely, they would befriend him. Those were the types of thoughts that he would reassure himself with.
Time and time again, he would be proven wrong.
It wasn’t trust that they had wanted him to gain. They had wanted him to become their sort of “normal”, the very type of normal that he couldn’t even seem to check all of the boxes to.
His normal was the way he saw things through his own eyes; the eternal curiosity and creativity, anything that he could dissect to experiment with. To learn, to construct, to explore.
But, they didn’t understand his normal, and he was exiled for it. It was almost like he had become an old toy that had been outgrown, thrown to the side and looked down upon, locked away to never be seen ever again. Something made to bring people smiles, and yet discarded for doing the exact opposite.
That changed, however, little by little, once Nene had told him how much she loved his ideas.
But Rui… I like your shows, you know?
It was like a path lit forward, a gentle light guiding him through the previously darkened area.
Someone loving his ideas, it wasn’t something that Rui was used to hearing - and he thought he didn’t need to hear it. After all, people are people, and Rui is Rui. But upon hearing those words, it was like something in him had been lit alight. Nene liked his shows; the fact felt like the start of a new ember, thawing his frozen heart. It felt so unfamiliar and yet so, so warm.
He accepted it with open arms, latching onto it with a desperate hope that the feeling never disappeared.
It helped for a while, it did. But, he couldn’t help but let that little seed of doubt patiently wait in the back of his mind, the right moment waiting for it to get planted.
He survived the unspoken words. Or, rather, is surviving.
Other than the distance between him and Nene, there had also been a lack of communication.
Where there is distance, there is silence. At least, that wasn’t always how it had been.
Nene used to sing.
He lost count of the many days and nights that he’d let his eyes fall to a close as he leaned back, relaxed and focused on the distant sound of Nene singing.
Her distant singing— having been one of the last things that had continued to give him the comfort he needed, only further expressed just how far away they were from each other, just how much he couldn’t reach her no matter how many times he had wanted to.
And he found solace in it. Despite Nene being far away, he found solace in knowing that she was still close enough. That even she could still comfort him, while not even being physically present.
It was almost as if she were constantly wrapping a warm blanket around him, gently embracing him and letting him know that no matter their distance, that it would always be okay.
Her songs were as important to him as it was to her, and it was the one thing that he had never expected to stop.
Until it did.
Later he found out about the theater group she had joined, and ultimately put the pieces together. The reason for that sudden deafening silence between their homes.
Ironically, he had never felt more alone than he did at that time.
He may have survived that time during middle school, but would he really have called it living?
That’s not necessarily a question that he could bring himself to answer now, not that it mattered much.
The sudden realization that he had let his thoughts wander, he sighed, loosening his grip on the blanket, before reaching over for one of his comfort plushies. He held it close to his chest in hopes of simmering the feeling, frowning a bit.
He felt a bit guilty, staring up at the ceiling as he continued to ponder. To constantly think back to that time the moment he had an unsettling dream, it was pathetic. He thinks that he should have gotten over it by now, as it was in the past. He shouldn’t be mulling over it as much as he was.
Rui’s thoughts were suddenly brought to a halt once he felt movement next to him, and then suddenly a pair of eyes gazing.
“Rui..? You’re awake?” The voice whispers softly, albeit slurred since Nene had just woken up.
Despite sensing that she had woken up, he still flinched a bit, almost as if he were caught doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing.
He glances over with a small, yet strained smile, silently hoping that she wouldn’t be able to make out his expression in the darkness surrounding them. ”Hm, I just can’t seem to sleep is all…” He whispers back.
And for a moment, he may have just convinced himself that she had fallen back to sleep. She had been quiet, body unmoving as she breathed softly. What he hadn’t known was that she had been silently studying him.
In the end, she sighed, probably deciding that it was too late to press on the matter. Even still, he knew that Nene would always trust his word no matter what. And even if by chance, if he did keep something from her, he knew that she had faith that he’d go to her when that time came.
Nene shifted a bit, half propping herself up, and reaching an arm out to tug at his sleeve, signaling for him to move closer. “Come here..” She mumbled.
He complied, letting himself be guided into her arms. The comfort of her presence kept him satiated as he relaxed against her, resting his temple against the blade of her shoulder.
A hand came up to gently comb through his messy hair, leaving him to close his eyes to the feeling of it.
They weren’t apart anymore, that much was obvious. The little bit of physical affection had been enough to soothe that sickening feeling, and that guilt slowly subsided.
“Is this better..?”
Leave it to Nene to always know how to handle him. Unspoken words be damned. Perhaps one day they’ll fully open up to each other about that time.
But, right now, he feels content.
He gives a soft hum of affirmation, nuzzling into her shoulder. “Thank you, Nene.”
She leans forward, placing a kiss to his forehead in response. “Sleep.”
Rui gives a faint chuckle, feeling light as he hugs her closer, letting her warmth envelop him.
Just this once, he thought, it was nice to let himself be cared for, to be comforted. Even if she hadn’t known the exact reason behind his struggle to sleep, she still helped him in a way that she’d know would work.
Shifting himself a bit, Rui found himself listening to Nene’s calming heartbeat. A gentle, soothing sound, it was. He let the melody of her heart sing him a lullaby. A song that effectively had his body relaxing, and breath steadying, falling asleep against his favorite person.
And for the first time that night, he doesn’t feel scared, nor does he feel alone.
Rui feels warm, content, and loved. And that’s enough for him.