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Kanan sat in his room meditating while Hera was preparing the ship to return back to Lothal. It was strange that they always ended up going back. The Force was unusually strong there in ways that he couldn’t quite describe. As thoughts of Ezra came into his mind he thought back to his own time as a padawan.
And then it hit him, in waves before he could even react, like the sensation of being force pushed by the sith lord a couple of years ago. He lost all control as the thoughts started to rush in: Flashes of his training fights with other padawans, Sammo yelling his name “Caleb.” He never wanted to hear that name again.
Master Yoda told him not to judge his thoughts. While meditating he was supposed to focus on the present moment and not dwell on the past. But with these thoughts coming back and all of the emotions behind them that was next to impossible. It was just all so painful.
“Sorry to interpret, love” Hera said as she entered the room. “But do you want to eat dinner soon? The kids are gone and I was thinking…”
“Of course”
Hera exited the room and Kanan tried to return to meditating. Thankfully his thoughts were now turned toward Hera. Although they had known each other for about ten years now and were far closer than any of the other members of the crew, there were still things Hera didn’t know about him. He thought of telling Hera about his past, but that was just another way of thinking about it and with that he was thrust into another series of flashbacks.
They were sitting at the table eating dinner now, and Kanan decided to try to bring the conversation up.
“Hera,” he said, his voice a little unsteady.
“What is it, love?” Hera could always sense the trepidation in his voice
“There’s something I want you to know.'' He wasn’t exactly sure how to begin the conversation and he was still searching for the words to say. He wanted the comfort of her knowing without the difficulty of him having to say it, without him having to feel all of those things again. Of course she knew a lot of it already. She knew how he used to be a Jedi, how he trained under Depa Billaba, how he had run when the clones attacked, but there was still so much more. She didn’t even know about his old name, and all the pain that came with it.
“It’s about what happened when I was a kid”
“We don’t have to talk about that. “ She wasn’t being dismissive, just letting him know that it didn’t bother her that they didn’t talk about his past much, that he only had to talk about it if he wanted to.
“No Hera. I think you should know. I used to be called Caleb. Caleb Dume.” He told her everything: about his eagerness to fight at first, about how foolish he had been. The kinship he thought he had felt with the clones, how they saved him on Kardoa, and then how they shot his master right in front of him.
“Kanan, I didn’t know,” She said, pulling him into a hug.
Kanan’s arms didn’t seem to be under his control but they wrapped around Hera as he fell into her warmth.
“It’s over,” Hera said. “You’re going to be alright, Kanan”