Work Text:
This always happens.
The emptiness caught up with him. It didn’t matter how much thrill he got from battle, the eagerness he used to carry himself, the people who were supposed to make him happy, it was never enough.
He thought it might be different this time. He met someone who he could be level with, someone who could keep up with him. Someone who, even if he hated him a little, understood him. But that was the problem.
If he let his guard down around him, even once, he would know who he really was, he’d become distant, and he’d leave. Get cut, hit, burned, bruised, then clean it up and he’ll be fine and forget what he was even feeling before, even if he did it to himself.
He did it to himself again. It always happens.
---
“Did…something happen?”
The question definitely caught him off guard. Diluc was never one to seem concerned for Childe’s well being.
Childe gave a short laugh in response “Haha, no? Whatever do you mean, Master Diluc?”
Diluc didn’t seem impressed, as usual. But the look on his face this time seemed like he cared.
“You just seem off, that’s all.”
Off? He always covered up pretty well, so he didn’t really understand what part of himself was “off”, but still, he smiled like usual.
“I’m fine, just fine. No need to worry about me, firefly,” he gave Diluc a small pat on the shoulder before walking ahead, “we’re almost there, so let’s keep going.”
Diluc brushed at his right shoulder. He wanted to press him further, since it really did seem like there was something wrong. Just earlier that day, they were only fighting a few measly hilichurls and Childe pounced on them like they were a ruin guard. Sure, it was in character for him to show off, but Diluc was the only one around, and Childe knew him enough to not be impressed despite his skills. But he thinks even if he did press him, he wouldn’t give, so he stayed silent.
They had already cleared out every camp of the Abyss Order that they needed to today, and were now heading back to Dawn Winery to rest up. Usually Diluc would never let him stay, let alone overnight, but he decided to give in and be considerate just this once. Besides, Dawn Winery was closest to where they were when they finished, and for some reason felt bad about forcing him to walk all the way back to the hotel he was staying at in Liyue Harbor.
It was already late at night when they arrived at the winery. Diluc had hoped that Adelinde was the only one there to greet him, as she always did when he arrived. It would be easier to explain to her, if she asked, the fact he was bringing a Fatui Harbinger of all people to his home. She was considerably reasonable enough to accept anybody that Master Diluc had chosen as a guest.
Before he opened the door, Diluc warned, “Don’t say anything, don’t touch anything, got it? You’re lucky that I’m even letting you take a step in here.”
Childe passed him off as usual, “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Master Diluc.”
Diluc let out an exasperated sigh and opened the door, to which Adelinde greeted them.
“Welcome home, Master Diluc! And you are…?” She peered over to Childe with a questioning look.
Before Childe could speak, Diluc spoke, “This is Childe, an acquaintance of mine. He will be staying here for the night, if that’s alright.”
“Of course! Do you need me to prepare the guest room?”
“No need, he can take care of it himself. Can’t you?” He asked, gesturing to Childe.
Childe stayed quiet, seemingly staring off into space with an empty look in his eyes.
“Childe?” Diluc asked again, poking him in the arm to get his attention.
Childe got startled, and gave a nervous laugh before answering “Hah, yeah, of course…”
Adelinde spoke again, “Okay. I suppose you are both hungry. Would you like something to eat?”
Childe answered for Diluc, even though he explicitly told him not to, “No thank you, I’m not hungry. In fact I’m extremely tired, Master Diluc, may we…?
Diluc seemed shocked that he had denied Adelinde’s gracious hospitality. Considering that Childe was a family man, or at least that’s what he got from the stories he told him of his siblings, he was never the type to turn down dinner or a bed. Now, Diluc was especially concerned.
Diluc responded, “Sure. Thank you Adelinde, but we will be getting some rest now.”
“Alright, good night to you both.” Adelinde returned to the kitchen.
Diluc walked up the stairs with Childe in tow to show him the guest room. He seemed slower than usual, maybe he really was just tired. Or just needed some alone time. He needed a good enough excuse to not ask, because even if he did, he still wouldn’t budge. And Diluc was too stubborn to admit he cared.
Diluc opened the door to the room, “Here it is. The restroom is down the hall if you need it.”
“Thank you, Master Diluc. Good night.”
Diluc stared for a few moments, wanting to reach out, to ask, just ask. But he didn’t.
“Good night.”
Childe smiled at him, entered, and then closed the door.
Diluc stood there for at least a minute before he walked to his own room. He took off his shoes, changed into his sleep clothes, and then lay in his bed. But he could not sleep, face constantly staring at the wall adjacent to the guest room Childe was staying in.
He hated it. He hated this. Why did he care? Why did he care at all?
---
Childe had made the bed and took off his shoes to lay down. But he wasn’t going to sleep, not with what he was going to do. He just had to wait a while until he was sure Diluc was asleep. Hopefully, he’ll be asleep.
He hated himself for this. This was the first time that Diluc was letting him stay over, and he had ruined it for himself. If he was in a better mood, he would’ve accepted dinner, and would've gotten to know Adelinde better, since Diluc often praises her and her cooking. He would’ve proposed to sleep in the same room as Diluc, a subtle attempt he had thought would get him closer to Diluc, but no. He just couldn’t.
It wasn’t like he could control it. He had tried to manage it earlier but even Diluc saw through him a little bit, and it caught him off guard. He didn’t want Diluc to see him like this, the ever so great Eleventh Fatui Harbinger, vulnerable. It made him sick, so he pushed it down, like he always did and always could. Or so very poorly like he did today.
A couple hours had passed. He wanted to make extra sure since he knows Diluc doesn’t get much sleep with all the paperwork he has to get done. But he thought now was the right time. He put his socks back on, took the bandages he was hiding in his coat pocket, and the knife he hid in his pants.
He got up and walked as slowly as he could, afraid Diluc would be alerted if he made the slightest noise and thought he was making trouble, and opened the door with the same manner. He made his way to where Diluc said the restroom was, turned the knob, entered, and then locked the door behind him.
Childe stood over the sink, forcing himself to look down towards it and away from the mirror that was above it. He took off his shirt so he could reach the skin on his upper arm. He needed to do it there so when it came time to cover it up no one would notice, he hoped. So Diluc wouldn’t notice, he hoped even more.
He took his knife, made sure it was clean enough so he wouldn’t get an infection later, made sure it was sharp enough, and then pressed it against the skin on his upper arm above his upper elbow. And then he dragged it across his arm, letting out a sharp exhale from the pain. Deep enough to draw blood, but not so deep he would need stitches after.
He repeated it a couple more times on that arm before stopping. He breathed heavily for a moment, then looked down at his arm to watch the blood trickle down, to let the pain settle in. Three cuts there was enough, anymore and it would become uncomfortable. When he was about to start on his right arm, knife almost upon it, he heard a knock on the door.
“Childe, are you in there?”
He froze in shock. It was Diluc. There was no way. He thought he was asleep, and even then he didn’t hear his footsteps down the hall at all, otherwise he would’ve had time to prepare himself. He must have been too into it to hear any noise at all. He couldn’t believe this was happening, of all people, he didn’t want him to-
“Childe? Are you okay?”
He had to come up with something, at least answer him so he wouldn’t break down the door.
“I’m here, I’m fine, Master Diluc. Is there something wrong?”
Diluc let out a relieved sigh, “I should be asking you that. I heard you breathing really loudly and well…did something happen?.”
“You seem to be asking that a lot lately. Really, I’m oka-”
“No, you’re not.”
Childe eyes widened and then fastened shut so quickly. He knew, he figured him out, and he didn’t know what to do.
“Diluc, please, I-”
“Open the door.”
“Diluc, don’t-”
“Open the door, Childe. Please.”
Childe considered his options. It would be worse if Diluc were to break down the door and freak out with no explanation, so this was his only path. He had to open the door. He hated it, but he had no choice. He prepared for the worst.
“Childe.”
“...alright, okay alright, I’ll open the door, okay?” He inhaled and exhaled, “Just, promise me something?”
“...What is it?”
“Please, don’t freak out, okay?”
Diluc hesitated for a second, but agreed. “Okay, I promise.”
With shaky hands, he let go of the sink, and reached his hand towards the doorknob, and opened the door. Once it was open, Childe closed his eyes and braced for the worst possible reaction.
Diluc saw him, and then stared at his arm. He looked surprised, of course, but then stared at him with a remorseful look. There was no way he could look down on him in this way. He put his harsh, confused feelings aside and stayed calm. He was about to speak but Childe spoke first.
“I know…I know how this looks. It’s not a big deal, so you don’t need to-”
“Childe…it’s okay. I’m…not mad.”
“Huh? You’re…not?” Childe slightly opened one of his eyes to look at Diluc, who acted in a way that was completely opposite to his character. His face looked…soft.
“I don’t hate you, you know. Or at least, I don’t believe myself to be so cruel to ignore you right now.”
Childe responded, now both eyes open, “Haha, maybe you don’t hate me, but now you think I’m weak, right? I feel so…weak.”
Diluc walked up to Childe, and then pressed his left hand against his cheek, using his thumb to wipe away a tear that trickled down his face without him noticing. He was touching him so tenderly, he couldn’t believe it.
“You’re not weak. You and I both know that you aren’t weak.“ Diluc took his other hand to hold Childe’s, caressing him there as well, “We don’t have to talk about it now, but we need to get you cleaned up, okay?”
Childe nodded, and Diluc maneuvered around him so he could grab the stuff he needed from the cabinet. He gently held his arm and disinfected the cuts, then took the bandages and covered them as best as he could.
“Can I…sleep in your bed tonight?” Childe asked, “If not that's-”
“Yes, you can, it’s fine.” Diluc reluctantly obliged. He would be questioned in the morning by Adelinde, but he couldn’t refuse. He didn’t want Childe to be alone.
And for the first time in a while, Childe didn’t feel alone.