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"Ken mahal parin kita." A clear statement i heard inside his room.
It felt like im being stab a thousand times on my chest.
It's a cristal clear statement from the person i love who's apparently inside his office with that someone he's pertaining to that he still loves.
After all these years that we've been together, sya parin pala...
3 years... at... hindi parin pala ako...
Josh ang tanga mo!
And i left the building still holding the bouquet of flowers in my hand gripping it too tight as if my life depends on it.
When i got back on my car i felt numb. Im hurt so much that i can't bare. As i hold onto the steering wheel and look infront of me and saw nothing but darkness.
Bakit? Bakit? Bakit?
I start my engine and drive with one destination on my mind.
I dont know how i get here safe and sound. The place i choose to ask him to spend a lifetime with me. In the dimmed garden full of rose petals and plenty of candle lights making its way on that perfectly set up gazebo with table for two inside. A perfect romantic ambience with a band of violinist waiting for the cue on when to start.
They look at me with questions on their face why im alone in this mess.
Yeah what a messy life im in. I couldn't help myself to smirk with the thought.
Self pity indeed.
"Go." And wave my hand gesturing them to go and leave me alone.
"Sir?" Someone asked and i looked at him, i saw pity in his eyes that pains me more.
"Give me anything hard." He gets what im referring to and went to their bar to get me what i needed most tonight. I've rented this place for a night kaya susulitin ko nalang.
I sat down on one of the chair and only came to a realization that im still holding the bouquet and place it on the table infront of me.
I stare blankly as i try to think what happened and why it happened.
We've known each other since we were kids. We played tagu-taguan, tumbang preso, tubig (patintero) and even bahay bahayan as a young child.
Im his kuya as im 3years older than him, i protected him sa mga bullies sa school cause he's such a softie habang ako naman yong palaban sa kahit ano or kahit kanino.
We're the perfect duo, i protected him from bad guys that can harm him physically and he protected me from bad influences so im always on tract with my studies and my future.
"Pano ka nalang kung wala ako ha Josh? 4th year kana at 2nd year palang ako pero ako pa nag-iintindi nitong assignment mo. Aba graduating kana po. Pag nag college kana hindi mo na ako kasama dun kaya magtino ka naman!" He always keep on nagging me that, i still can remember his face while saying those speeches to me. And i always answer with "Oo na, oo na po kuya Justin" and laugh hard as he made a face again.
Those where the beautiful times... Kahit nagcollege na ko at naiwan sya sa highschool lagi parin kami magkasama pag may time and nagpapatulong parin ako sa mga projects ko.
Wala narin naman nagtatangka na umaway sa kanya kahit wala na ako doon dahil alam nila anytime reresbakan ko sila kaya subukan lang nila.
Noon pa man alam ko na hindi lang kuya ang pagtingin ko sa kanya pero nakuntento nadin ako sa kung ano lang yong kaya pa nyang ibigay. Sa totoo lang nga hindi ko din talaga alam kung mutual ba ang nararamdaman namin o hindi.
Sa sobrang kampante at komportable ko sa set up namin hindi ko agad narealize na pwede pala syang mahulog sa iba.
Kung nasabi ko ba'ng lahat noon may magbabago ba? Noong bago nya nakilala si Ken...
Im his bestfriend, his kuya, his protector but never his lover and will never be. He never sees me that way, this thing i have for him is only one sided and will never be reciprocated, not because his straight, he's just like me. A guy who likes guy. Ang pagkakaiba lang namin ay yung minahal nya ay minahal din sya pabalik.
Its the 2nd sem of that year, he's a freshman and we're on the same school again. We've been together more frequently on that 1st semester of that year until that newly transfered student came on his class.
As his bestfriend he keeps on saying that he like the new guy. Its annoying and im hurt but i can't show it.
I became the negative vibes in his dreamy chants about him. I discouraged him all the time but he's too persistent.
His persistence came with a good prize... The persistence that i never had towards my feelings for him. It wasn't his fault i know.
"Josh Josh Josh kami na ni Ken" Tuwang tuwa nyang balita sakin.
"Aw talaga." I know i cant hide the fact that im displease with the news.
"Grabe to, hindi ka ba masaya para sakin?" He said with a puppy face.
"Masaya." Masaya sana kung tayo. I looked straight into his eyes and asked in a serious tone "Mahal mo?"
"Oo Josh, mahal na mahal ko."
Wala na, talo na ako. Pag-ibig na hindi ko naman ipinaglaban at kailangan ko ng bumitaw. "Wag ka lang talagang sasaktan Jah!" Madiin kong sabi sa kanya.
Nagulat nalang ako ng bigla nya akong niyakap at sinabing "Salamat sa Josh" Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o ano, pinapagaan lang siguro nito ang nararamdaman ko. Kahit wala itong ka-ide-idea kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko.
Pinilit kong maging masaya para sa kanila, umiiwas nalang ako para hindi gaanong masaktan. Minamahal parin sya sa malayo.
Nauna akong makagraduate at thankful nadin na naging busy sa paghahanap ng trabaho para kahit papaano makaiwas sa bigong pag-ibig ko sa bestfriend ko.
Pero hinahabol nya parin ako, tuwing may problema sila ni Ken sakin sya tumatakbo at nagsusumbong, eto namang si gago nag-aadvice pa para magkaayos ung dalawa.
Si Ken at ako civil lang kami sa isa't isa, ramdam nya siguro na iba ang pagtingin ko kay Jah. He always keep his guard when im around them and ganun din ako sa kanya. We just hang out because of Jah.
"Dre, okey kalang ba?" Minsang kinausap ako ni Stell, isa pa naming barkada.
"Okey naman ako. Mukha bang hindi?" Naitanong ko nalang din dito.
"Alam mo Josh kung nakakamatay lang ang masamang tingin siguro nakabulagta na si Ken" Sabat ni Paulo at inakbayan nito si Stell.
Tinitigan ko silang dalawa, kung hindi ako nagkakamali matagal nadin ang dalawang ito, since college days namin. "Ang tagal nyo nadin noh? Di ba kayo nagsasawa?"
"Ikaw ba nagsawa ka ng mahalin si Jah sa malayo? Ang tagal mo nading tanga eh noh?" Sagot ni Stell sakin.
I just smirked at them and says "masaya na sya eh"
"Kase tanga ka." Stell insisted.
"Bakit kung sinabi ko ba noon magiging kami ba?"
"Aba malay namin, hindi mo naman sinubukan." Every word they said have sense, i know. And so it hurts more.
"Hindi ko narin masasagot kasi masaya na sila. Hayaan nalang natin"
"Ganun na nga lang. Condolences nalang sa puso mo Josh."
I focused on my career. No lovelife, well, no life beside my career.
And then... this once in a lifetime chance came in.
They had a huge fight, Ken cheated. He insisted that he was drunk and cant remember what happened and Jah was devastated.
Jah came to me with his eyes swollen and hearts broken. I punched Ken when he insisted to talk to Jah and force him to leave..He's the reason of Jah's tears and sadness and i wont let him get near him again.
Selfish ba ko na masaya ako na wala na sila?
Selfish ba ako if i take this opportunity as an advantage for myself?
He's been my everything from the very start even though he never sees me like that. I love him more than friends for quite some time now and i thought that this chance was my second chance to win him back even though he wasn't mine to begin with.
I took care of him in his lowest state, i never gave up even though he was giving up on himself until he slowly recovers from the heart ache little by little. It hurts me more everytime i saw him broken, making me realized even more that he loves him so much.
I saw his improvement, he became inspired again and makes me believe it was because of me. Para san pa yong kasabihan na "fake it until you make it" kung hindi ako maniniwala.
"Josh, thank you talaga kasi di mo ko pinapabayaan. Ikaw ang naging lakas ko nitong nagdaang mga buwan. Salamat talaga."
"Wala eh, sobrang mahal kasi kita Jah. Basta para sayo kakayanin ko."
"Ang sarap naman marinig na sobrang mahal ako ng bestfriend ko" At niyakap nya ko.
"Awit ka talaga Jah, Awit. Hahahahahaha" hindi ko alam bat natatawa ako kahit masakit, kasi until now bestfriend parin talaga.
"Ganun kaba talaga kamanhid para hindi maramdaman na mahal kita hindi bilang bestfriend mo?" Hindi ko na napigilan itanong, bahala na.
"Josh..." tinitigan nya ako nang may mga tanong sa mata na may bahid din ng takot.
"Jah matagal na, bago palang magkaron ng Ken sa buhay mo. Mahal na mahal na kita Jah at walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko." Hinawakan ko ang pisngi nya ngunit para itong napapaso na napaigtad sa hawak ko.
"Josh... sorry." Napatungo ito.
Ang sakit pero ano bang iniexpect ko mahalin nya ko agad dahil ako ang nasa tabi nya ngayon. Syempre hindi, alam ko paghihirapan ko pa bago ko makuha yong pagmamahal nya na higit pa sa kaibigan.
"Jah, hindi mo naman kailangang suklian, hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit or katugon na pagmamahal lalo na ngayon na kagagaling mo lang sa break up. Alam ko nasasaktan ka parin pero natutuwa ako na kahit papano unti unti nakakabangon kana ulit." I pause for a minute...
"Pero pwede mo bang hayaan ako na mahalin ka? At iparamdam sayo kung gano ka kahalaga at hindi mo worth it ang masaktan ng ganyan. Kase eto ako ohh handa kang saluhin kung hahayaan mo lang na sa akin mahulog." I looked at him with so much love i could give. I cup his face with my both hands as i cross the gap between us slowly.
"I'll make you fall in love with me Jah, i'll make you choose me, i'll do my best to show you how much i love you" and i kiss him tenderly. Without label or so we just did it. He let me inside him and we made love passionately that night. Maybe because he was vulnerable that time and i took advantage of him, i really dont care.
It started that way and we're happy. Im happy.
We did it first yes but i courted him for almost a year until we became official... 3 years had pass and i want to take our relationship into the next level. Im sure of myself for so long and i thought that we're on the same page until tonight...
I prepared everything to surprise him with my proposal. I keep myself busy for a week in preparation of this with the help of Stell and Paulo. I tried my best to keep my distance from him even though i really miss him. He didn't disturb me cause i've said im busy with some work related things and i believed that it was the mere reason why his not insisting on being with me. I thought he understands and gave the space i needed for my work to be done which is this whole preparation of the proposal when in fact he was also busy with other things, or rather with someone else.
Susunduin ko sya sa office nya, kinakabahan ako na excited habang naglalakad dala ang bouquet ng flowers para sa kanya. Sobrang miss na miss ko na si Jah, 1 week of not being together seems a year or so...
I was about to knock on his door when i realized it was slightly open and i heard him talking to someone. I didnt want to peek on his private conversation with other people but the voice of the person he's with is so familiar my heart beats hard with fear and anguish.
"Ken tama na, itigil na natin to. Kami na ni Josh matagal na at mahal nya ako."
"Mahal ka nya oo, eh ikaw mahal mo ba sya? Kasi kung mahal mo sya bakit ako ang kasama mo ngayon Justin?"
I literally grasp some air and wait for Justins' response.
"Ken mali nga ito eh, hindi to deserve ni Josh, naguguluhan na ko Ken"
"Ganito nalang Justin, Mahal mo pa ba ako?"
"Ken mahal parin kita." Parang bombang sumabog ang mga katagang ito. Paulit ulit kong naririnig ang boses ni Jah habang sinasabi ito.
Umalis ako na madaming katanungan sa isip ko.
Ano pa bang kulang?
Bakit hindi parin naging sapat yong pagmamahal ko para mahalin nya din ako?
Kung mahal nya parin pala si Ken, so pano ako? Minahal nya ba talaga ako?
Akala ko ako na... nabulag lang ba ako sa paniniwalang mahal nya nadin ako kahit na ni minsan hindi nya sinabi na mahal nya ako, nakontento nalang ako sa ipinapakita nya. Kasi di ba yon naman ang importante?
Bakit ang unfair naman tangina binigay ko naman lahat pero ang ending hindi parin ako naging sapat.
Im thinking to take our relationship to the next level pero never palang naglevel up ung feelings nya para sa akin.
I'll always be the assuming bestfriend of all time. Tangina lang talaga ngayon ko lang naramdaman na nakakapagod nadin pala syang mahalin.
"Josh..." Tangina talaga lasing na nga ata ako at naririnig ko nadin sya na tinatawag ang pangalan ko.
Tumayo ako at umikot ang paligid ko sa biglang pagtayo ko, naramdaman ko nalang ang katawan nya na nakayakap sakin habang inaalalayan akong tumayo.
"Josh lasing kana" boses nya talaga
"Tangina si Jah ka ba talaga?"
"Oo Josh ako to." Tinapig ko ang kamay nya at bumitaw sa kapit nito.
"Bat nandito ka? Umalis kana" malumanay ko pang sabi dito at tinalikuran ito.
"Josh usap tayo please... yong kanina..."
"Ok na Jah, gets ko na. Di mo na kailangang ipamukha. Please lang... umalis kana." Habang kaya ko pang pigilan ang sarili ko sa pagiging selfish ko sayo. Habang kaya ko pang pakawalan ka.
"Josh hindi mo naiintindihan, wag mo akong itaboy please... Mali yong narinig mo"
Hinarap ko sya "Bakit Jah minahal mo nga ba ako talaga?"
"Josh hindi minahal..."
"Tangina talaga Jah! Kelangang ipamukha? Gano mo ko gustong durugin ha?!"
"Josh please patapusin mo naman ako please.. hindi mo kasi naiintindihan... lasing ka, bukas pagusapan natin ha? Please..."
"Hindi lang ako lasing Jah, galit ako! Galit ako sayo! Galit ako sa mundo kasi ang unfair! Galit ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit tangina ang sakit sakit na hindi parin mawala wala itong letcheng pagmamahal ko sayo!" Gusto kong magwala sa sobrang frustration na nararamdaman ko.
I grab the bottle of drink on the table at inihagis ito sa sahig dahilan ng pagkabasag nito.
"Josh!" sigaw ni Jah
Naramdaman ko nalang na may umaagos na likido sa aking braso pero hindi masakit.
Kinuha ni Jah ang braso ko at nilagyan ng pressure ang sugat gamit ang kamay nya. "Josh ang daming dugo" kita ko ang takot sa mata nya.
Tinabig ko ang kamay nya at nabitawan nito ang aking braso dahilan ng pagbalong ulit ng masaganang dugo mula dito.
Pakiramdam ko mas lalo akong nahilo, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa alak o sa dugo na nakikita ko o dahil nauubos na ba ang dugo ko.
"Hahaha" nakakatawa lang.
Nagdilim na ang panjngin ko at tuluyang nilamon ng kadiliman ang diwa ko.