Work Text:
"That was really pretty!"
Tomori's heart flutters when they return to her room, causing little sparks to run through her chest. That went really well; she was worried she'd look lame, but Anon seemed to enjoy it. They just got back from the Star Dome… it's one of Tomori's favorite places. And it helps her find ways to keep the Astronomy Club safe. That's why she wanted to share it.
"Between this and the aquarium, you know all the best spots, don't you?" Anon says, flopping herself onto the floor next to Tomori with no hesitation. "The view felt so real! The way it surrounded me and stuff, with all those stars; I was overwhelmed at first, but when I lied down, it felt like I was lost in space… just drifting through and floating around. Nice to loosen up like that. It was fun; even if I don't know the first thing about astronomy."
Tomori turns her head. "D-do you… want to know? I can tell you a bit…"
"Can you? Hm, what should I ask about… oh!" Anon scores a lightbulb; and brightens Tomori's world in the process. "Maybe a constellation? It's just a pattern of stars, right? I can look out for it the next time we go."
"S-some are rifts or clouds too! But y-yeah, one made of stars would be good. Here, have a look!"
She thrusts a thick open notebook towards Anon, containing dozens of pages of her own drawings of every single constellation she knows of. "Whoa. That's a lot. Uh. Umm… hhhhhhow about this one?"
"Oh… that'd be in the southern hemisphere this time of year. The dome probably won't exhibit it."
"This one?"
"Th-that too."
"How about this one?"
"Well…"
It takes a few more guesses (without any names attached) for Tomori to realize she's rolled the ball too fast. Anon *did* say she doesn't know the 'first thing', so she probably wouldn't even recognize the constellations that're common knowledge…
Wait. Are they common knowledge? Uh. Okay, m-maybe a simple one'd be best. "How about the Summer Triangle? Or Canis Major?" She flips through a few pages. "They're both bright, so they'll be easy to find. Canis Major has Sirius, even. Oh, Sirius is the brightest star we can see, so that's why it's a good starting one; you can find it practically anywhere on Earth, and winter's coming up, which is the best time for Canis Major in the northern hemisphere! It's not actually the most luminous star, but from Earth it's the one we see as the brightest, so it has some of the oldest astronomical records there are. Oh, and I mean Sirius A, not Sirius B. O-oh, Sirius B is a white dwarf that's right next to Sirius A; it's just way smaller, so we can't see it easily. Apparently there's also a theory that it has an even… smaller… 3rd… star… next to it… um…"
…She stops. She's being stared at. Is Anon… weirded out? Did she make things awkward again? "Tomori, do you know this much about every star?"
"W-well… I…"
"You're encyclopedic! I'm envious." Oh! She's happy… Tomori feels warm. "If I knew that much about guitar, maybe Ricky'd finally stop ribbing me. Anyway, guess I'll pick Canis Major. If it's got the brightest star, that should be easy enough. I'll look for it next time we buy tickets!"
Tomori wishes she had money more than oxygen. A part of her swears she'll flat-out pay for them to try camping one day; Anon deserves the real thing. She wants to see the color of the night sky reflected by Anon's eyes, so the border of orange where day disappears is drawn into Tomori's heart. "Y-y-yeah…! Sounds good. I can't w-wait…"
"Huh? Tomori, you okay?"
ba-thump!
Anon leans in; Tomori instantly feels electricity dance across her entire body. She's close… she's close… they're looking right at each other… it feels so, so, so warm… so unbearably warm…
"Whoa, your eyes're practically sparkling. Hehe, you know… you remind me of it."
"Eh? Of what?"
"Sirius. The brightest star in the sky, right?" Anon smiles. "Sounds just like you."
Ba-thump…!
It's dizzying. She fixates on the somersaults in her chest like a magnet, her face getting hotter the entire time. "I-I think… it sounds more like you," she whispers.
"…Huh?! Me?! Really?!" Anon suddenly has a blush of her own. It's not often Tomori gets to see this expression, but it's a treasure. She always notices it, because Anon's eyes dart left and right when she's giddy. It's cute. Anon's cute. "Do I really stand out that much? You think? You think?"
Tomori nods.
"Ehehe. You're too nice sometimes… oh! I almost forgot."
Anon fishes out something from her bag. It's… a sticker set! "Stars?"
"Well, y'know… I happened to pick these up from a souvenir shop. Aren't they cute? They're glow-in-the-dark, too! Oh, and, I accidentally bought two sets instead of one, so…" Anon looks away with a little smile. "Mmmmmmaybe we could match? Might as well! Would be a waste otherwise."
Her heart pounds. She nods. Fervently.
"Alright! I pulled it off!" Anon boasts, doing a little cheer. "That's what we call a big success. Man, I'm so smart, aren't I?"
Tomori smiles. "You are."
"…O-oh, I didn't mean to say that out loud. Whoops." Anon quickly recovers, but the brief moment where she's shyly twirling her hair is… everything. "Should we keep them, or place them somewhere?"
"L-let's take one each! A-and…"
Anon's blinks. "And?"
Maybe this'll sound silly. But she can't stop herself now that she's started; "We should… w-we could stick them on our ceilings. That way, even when we're apart… we'll still be connected."
She gulps awkwardly as she tries to gauge Anon's reaction. There's no sudden response; rather, Anon's eyes just gradually widen into a blank stare. Tomori has trouble deciphering what it means, and she wavers in anticipation…
…but then Anon's expression gently turns to a smile. "Yeah. I'd love that."
Yes! Th-this is the best day ever! Ohhhh, god… she loves her so much… she loves her so much… she can barely handle how much she loves her. Everything about Anon, Anon, Anon, is just… it's…
…she can't express it! But she has to try. "A-Anon, could I have that notebook back? I want to draw for a bit."
Anon's eyes light up. "Sure! I have a bit longer before I gotta go." In what's a routine of theirs at this point, she takes a seat at the desk, and lets Tomori sit on her lap, giving her a soft hug and browsing the phone in the meantime. "Oh, Soyo sent photos. Edogawa Records, huh. Oh, Tomori, mind if I take one of us?"
Tomori just nods; her mind's elsewhere. The paper in front of her is all she can see.
"And… send! Hm. Y'know, that planetarium *was* nice, but what about actually being in space? That'd be a feat and a half…"
She draws, and draws, and draws.
"…Actually, nah. It'd probably just be scary. Space is way bigger than we think, right? I'd make the news, but being alone out there… flailing around in a stuffy suit… egh, no way. You couldn't pay me to go up there myself. Star Dome's way better! At least there I can look at the stars without, like. Getting my eyes zapped, or becoming some astral marshmallow. Don't have to worry about getting too close to images."
It feels aimless at first, the way she draws each formation; but she starts to understand, when she notices what's present on *every* single page. As if it's a guidemark… no matter where she ends up. Something to look for even if she was lost on the other side of the planet. No matter how many pages she turns, she always fixates on the warmth of Anon's arm around her waist, and Sirius ends up right there. Shining, wonderfully. Running circles around Tomori's senses,
"…hmmm-hm-hm-hm♫…"
just like Anon's voice does, mere centimetres from her. Flowing across her face. Sh-She's humming Mayoi Uta, isn't she?
Tomori's blush intensifies. This isn't enough… she can't express it like this. There's still so much she feels like she's not saying, not even to herself. She wants to let everything out. She wants it to flood out from her soul, and pour out from her voice, until it's known in its entirety. But how? *How?* She sways on the chair;
and her pen slips off the desk. "Oh! Here, Tomori, you dropped this."
Vivid
sudden
warmth,
before Tomori can say anything, Anon's hand brushes against hers. She can't take it… she can't take it…
…She needs to express it to her. To the person bringing up these feelings! She loves her!
Tomori shoots up from her chair, startling her girlfriend, and turns around to face her. "T-Tomori? What's up?"
It happens as naturally as breathing. Tomori rests her hand on Anon's face and leans in, her mind ablaze. "Can I kiss you?"
"…H-H-H-H-H-H-Huh?!?! Huh?!?!?! I… I, um, um, um, um!!!! Um… uhhhh…!"
She manages to close her eyes and lean in halfway, staying there and waiting for the response. Baring her entire heart, baring her soul, reaching as close as she can, feeling the sparks brush against her face as she gets ever closer… closer… closer…!
…
But there's no response.
Tomori opens her eyes. The passion chokes. An icicle scratches the surface of her heart. "…Anon…?" She moves back. Anon is blushing, and messy, and she looks… confused? Surprised? She… she can't tell. Tomori immediately is hit by the feeling that she's been presumptuous about their intimacy the entire time. "Do you… not want to?"
"I-I-It's not that I don't want to, it's just…"
"Then why?"
She leans in again. But that only startles Anon to the point of nearly falling off the chair. It… feels like every time she gets closer, Anon suddenly moves away. "I'm just… not ready! Th-that's all."
Tomori's confused. She doesn't understand. For a second, she almost goes as far as wondering if her love isn't reciprocated.
Then she notices one thing.
And her entire world freezes.
Anon is… wincing. Her expression is fading away. She's scared; isn't she?
The icicle pierces. Tomori's body is brittle. "I knew it."
"H-Huh? Knew what?"
Why? Why did she do this? Why was she so intrusive? Making Anon uncomfortable by trying to be so close… she just did what she wanted without thinking about Anon's feelings. Anon's hurt now, isn't she? T-Tomori hurt her. She hurt her. She hurt the person she loves most by forcing her feelings on her… "I'm sorry. I made it weird, didn't I?"
"N-no, Tomori! I do want to kiss, really, it's just… I can't. Not yet-"
"You don't have to hide it!"
Anon stops.
…Tomori grips her sleeve and steps back. "It's okay. You don't have to push yourself. I'm sorry for being presumptuous. I-I know I've hurt you, so I don't mind if you dump me. D-don't force yourself to like me…!"
"Huh?! No, no… Tomori, what're you saying-"
She runs out of her own room, without knowing where she's going.
"Tomori! Wait!"
She's an idiot, she's an idiot, she's an idiot… why is she like this?! She saw things that weren't there, and she made her friend uncomfortable, and… now she's just running away from her. Making her worry even more. She didn't even let Anon respond before she ran off. She's the worst. She ruined everything again… didn't she?
The only reason she doesn't turn back is because she can't bear knowing the answer.
---
"It's because it was my fault."
Anon's taken by surprise. It comes seemingly out of nowhere. She turns to look at Tomori; "What do you mean?"
"…It's my fault that Crychic broke up."
A downcast gaze. A quiet, regretful voice, almost inaudible in the nominals of the nighttime city and its smothering, sky-blanketing streets. Anon doesn't understand; no matter how she tries to interpret it, she can't see why Tomori blames herself.
But Tomori absolutely does. In her mind, something about her caused that fracture.
"…Tomori…"
Anon opens her eyes in her own room the next morning. Whispering her girlfriend's name, as she looks at the stickers on the ceiling. On one hand, she's… hurt. She got such a severe reaction just for rejecting Tomori's kiss, and she barely had the chance to explain herself. She has her reasons; though it's not like she could put them into words… she still chickens out a lot, and she's only become more conscious of that habit ever since she first admitted it.
She's too exhausted to linger in indignation, though. More than anything, she's worried! Worried about Tomori. Tomori looked so guilty, like she'd done something awful… but all she did was ask if they could kiss! S-sure, it was sudden, but if anything, that kinda made it hot. Anon's face felt so red that she half-expected to explode on the spot. Sheesh…
…She wishes she could understand. It feels… consistent, in a way. Tomori blaming herself, for something that isn't her fault. Anon was the one who backed off there; even though she'd dreamed madly about kissing Tomori for a while now, she got cold feet and shot her girlfriend down. Go figure… urgh, if she just leaned in, she would've got what she wanted and avoided all of this! I-It's just that, when she saw Tomori looking at her so intensely, so admiringly, so lovingly, so longingly, so unabashedly in every way possible, Anon…
…froze up. She…
…Tomori loves her.
It fully hits her; just how much it's true. Both ways. How much the band means to them. How much Tomori means to her. How much she means to Tomori.
Anon has meaning again.
It makes her feel empty. She looks back up at the ceiling; the stars are right there. Closer than they've ever been. Their light is beaming down at her, but fizzling out on contact. Not reflected, or absorbed; just dissolved. She was the one who put them there, so she could feel like Tomori was still right next to her. But…
…She turns her gaze away; somewhere, anywhere else. Ignoring the sink sitting in her stomach. Staring at her room with a vacant expression. And that's when she realizes… maybe Tomori's scared of something too! That's definitely it, right? She was practically catastrophizing; talking about having hurt Anon, or forcing their relationship, even though that's not the case at all. She made it sound like Anon didn't actually… l-love her. Has Tomori had those doubts the whole time they were dating? Without Anon realizing? Argh, what kind of a girlfriend is she…?
She shakes her head and hops out of bed, getting her routine out of the way. If she didn't notice any of this until now, then that's all the more reason to address it. They've just gotta speak their minds. How hard could that be, anyway? "I just need to talk to her. No problemo."
She lets herself relax as she heads to school, happy to be away from her room. A part of her's worried Tomori might skip; but as she opens the door to class, she's fortunately right there. Staring at her own reflection in one of those rocks, polished to such a sheen that it's probably as shimmering as her own eyes…
…Tomori's eyes…
…W-wait, now isn't the time, Anon! She quickly pats her face and snaps out of it. If she doesn't look comfortable, there's no way Tomori'll be. Just be casual about it; it's not a big deal. Who cares if they don't kiss, honestly? Anon'd be fine without ever going that far; this is good enough for her, and she doesn't wanna make her girlfriend feel awkward. Taki would probably kiss Tomori a million times if she asked her anyway, so it's not like Anon ever needs to do it. Tomori would understand.
…Right. Okay, she's calm now. With a smile, she springs over and waves: "Morning, Tomori!"
Tomori shudders as if she had a taser hurled at her. She looks away, frowning dismally.
Anon feels like she's been shot; but she doesn't let it show. Instead, she just rolls with the first thought she has; "Oh, I put the stickers up on my ceiling last night! Here, I've got a picture."
She shows Tomori her phone screen, without looking at it herself. A small glimmer returns to Tomori's expression. "Oh… I did too."
…Her voice breaks. "R-Really?"
Tomori nods. "But why?"
"Me? I just," she starts playing with her hair, "I, um. Felt a bit lonely after yesterday. So…"
"…Me too."
A chaotic mixture of feelings swirls around her chest. She tries to stay calm; remember what you came here for, Anon… you're trying to make up with your friend. "Tomori. Do you wanna talk at the park after school?"
After a few seconds… Tomori nods again. That's all she needs for now. For the rest of the school day, the two of them give each other some much-needed space. Just to be considerate.
Well. That's Anon's excuse, at least.
---
Half of Tomori wishes she just curled up in bed and never left. A million questions wash over her during the course of the day, and the worst of them are unbearable. There's a hoarse, persistent noise in her head lying to her, telling her that Anon doesn't actually love her; that nothing she feels is reciprocated. And it makes her skin crawl. She feels awful having these doubts; and she feels even worse from seeing Anon smile as if nothing's wrong. As if Tomori didn't pierce her heart and run away with the pieces. But what if… that smile was actually genuine? It's a cycle; she wonders if Anon's forcing it, then she insults herself for assuming Anon's feelings are fake, then the former again, then the latter again…
The only thing stopping Tomori from spiraling is her own grit. Th-There's no point stewing; she wants to face what she's done head-on. A small blaze flickers in her eyes the entire day, knowing in her heart she'd rather hear whatever Anon has to say than run away. She wants the real Anon's words, not the Anon in her head's.
She heads over to their usual park. It wasn't until a few months ago that she started going to this place with her friends. By herself, she just felt awkward and exposed; as if she'd hear someone shout if she showed even a passing interest in the pebbles strewn around. She always had to sneak, hoping she wouldn't be seen. With everyone else though, it feels natural; and with Taki and Anon, it feels peaceful. Watching the clouds pass by, and the trees whistle briefly in the wind as the lampposts linger over the modern streets each evening. If it weren't so close to the city, she'd try and haul over her telescope-
-Ah.
…She's there.
Tomori gulps. Anon is sitting quietly on the bench. In her own way, she looks serene… never overly laid-back or rigid. Sometimes, seeing her like this is warming enough that Tomori can at least partially calm her nerves. But other times, it's a sign something has gone wrong; because that's the kind of face Anon makes when she's hurt, too.
She hopes it's not true. For Anon's sake, if nothing else. Quietly, she takes a seat next to Anon and looks up at the shrouded sky, fraying a leaf she found to keep herself calm.
Eventually, Anon lets out an extended sigh; is she trying to loosen up? Tomori gulps and turns, half-expecting her girlfriend to be stressed. She… didn't expect this smile though. "Nervous?"
"…Yeah…"
"Me too. I wanna make sure what I say comes across, y'know? It's hard."
…Tomori nods. So she *is* stressed… b-but it's for the same reasons Tomori is, that's all. Tomori gets it; she doesn't know how to express these kinds of feelings. The muck in the back of her head is the last thing she'd want to draw, so… all she has is her voice. "I'm… sorry for coming on too strong."
"Eh? No, it's okay! If anything, it made me… happy."
She turns to her again. "It did?"
"How could it not?" …That doesn't exactly sound happy. Though Anon is smiling, and blushing a bit. "I know you're pretty upset at yourself… but I don't think you did anything wrong, Tomori. You weren't strong-arming me; you asked first. It was just… too intense, is all."
"…So I was strong-arming you."
"No! That's not what I… blegh…"
Tomori's stomach sinks. She can't tell; was she too pushy back then, or wasn't she? Did she hurt Anon, or not? "Is it my fault?"
"I don't think it was. Though I wish you heard me out instead of running, y'know? Barely had the chance to explain myself back there. I mean, I get why you reacted like that, given…"
Silence.
"…Nevermind. Probably better not to bring *her* up."
It's too late. Tomori connects the dots, and a spew of horrid memories come back.
"Point is, I get why you'd be worried. But I didn't back off because I don't love you, or anything like that! I just wasn't ready to go as far as kissing yet. That's all."
Tomori looks down. She's rushing things, isn't she? Pushing too fast. Shoving. She thought about kissing her girlfriends before they even started dating. It's… not normal for people to get attached this quickly to their loved ones. She's an outlier. "I'm… I'm sorry. I just… I love you." She hears a sharp breath; but keeps going. "I love you, Anon… in that moment, I loved you so much, and I… I wanted to share that with you somehow. I didn't know how else; it was just the first thing that came to mind when I was honest with myself. I'm sorry… I'm sorry!"
"…"
Fearfully, she looks at Anon again. She can discern shock; but nothing more.
"…Do you really love me that much?"
"Huh?" …Tomori's chest rings. Her heart clutches; thrashes, loudly. "Of course I do… of course I do! Why do you think I asked you out? Did you think I was lying?"
"N-no, no! I'm just… happy, is all."
"But you don't look happy right now."
"…Tomori…"
"You're happy when we go out on dates. You're happy when we're walking together, or sitting in the same room. But… sometimes, there's something that doesn't feel right, and I don't know what. It's frustrating… I enjoy every moment I'm with you, every feeling I experience with you, and yet I still feel like something's missing! It's like… I can't see you, even though you're right there."
Anon is silent. She frowns again, and looks down at the ground.
Tomori has to know. "…Anon. When I asked you out, why did you… say yes?"
Anon…
…doesn't respond.
Desperation grips Tomori. She leans in. "Please. Please… answer me. Tell me how you feel. Or say anything, even. Just let me know what's wrong. Please…"
The fog in Anon's eyes cracks. She bites her lip. "I can't."
Tomori's hand lowers. "Why not?"
"Because… I don't want to let you down."
Her heart collapses. "…I knew it. You… you should've said so sooner."
Anon looks up. "Y-yeah, I'm sorry. I really should've. But it's diffic-"
"You could've just told me you didn't reciprocate. You didn't have to pretend this whole time."
"…Huh?! Wait, no, Tomori, that's not what I-"
Tomori shuts her hearing and runs.
She runs.
She runs, and runs, and runs, as far away as she can.
---
"Tomori! W-Wait up! Come back!"
Oh, god, why is Anon so slow right now?! And why is she such an idiot?! There were so many better ways she could've worded that, but she had to give the most ambiguous response possible; because of *course* she did. Of course even her admission ended up half-hearted! She's an idiot, she's an idiot… argh, but she's not letting it end like this! She has to catch up… she has to, she has to, she has to-
"Huh? Tomori?"
-She sees Taki, bewilderedly noticing her girlfriend running off. "Hey, move it-"
WHOMP!
And they fall right over each other.
…Desperately, Anon tries to get back up-
-Only to be stopped cold. "Wait. What the hell did you do to Tomori?"
"Get OFF me! I have to-"
…Ah.
Tomori's… out of sight.
Her hand falls. "Seriously," Taki asks, her tone lighter, "what happened?"
"…Just leave me alone."
"No." As she grips Anon's wrist, Anon tries to barge her off; but she doesn't budge. "You're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened."
"…I said, leave me alone! Shut up already!" She snaps, glaring at Taki. "What's with you today? You're not normally this pushy."
"And you're never this wound up," Taki cuts back. "Besides, you've only got yourself to blame for the pushiness."
…
…The strain in Anon's body dies. Hah. Forget it; Ricky's right. There's no point being upset, is there? It was going to end like this sooner or later. If only she didn't bother trying in the first place… then it wouldn't hurt this bad.
Oh well. Nothing she can do about it now, is there? She lowers her head, sighing weakly. "You can laugh if you want."
"…I wasn't going to. I'm just worried. That was the angriest I've ever seen you," Taki says. "Let's sit down."
Anon lets herself be guided back into the park. By the time they find the bench, the clouds have turned a dark grey.
A few raindrops start to fall down, as they take cover beneath the trees. "C'mon. Talk."
"Ricky hearing me out, huh. Thought I'd never see the day," she says. "I was hoping you'd just leave me to it. Is this 'cause your girlfriend's involved?"
"…Look. Is it that hard to believe you're more to me than 'Tomori's other girlfriend'?" Taki asks. "Am I not allowed to hear you out?"
She laughs. "I just didn't see it coming."
"…Mock me, why don't you…"
"I wasn't mocking you. It's cute, is all," she says, giving Taki a light budge. "I had no idea I secretly meant so much to you~."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you-" Taki pauses. "Hey, stop dodging the issue."
"Haha. Busted, huh?"
"I swear… I don’t know how you can keep that up. Tell me what's wrong already."
Well, she could push this paper-thin charade as naturally as she does breathing; but there's no point, is there? Anon looks away a bit, not wanting to be seen head-on. "Hey, Ricky. Have you and Tomori kissed yet?"
"Wh-" …Taki miraculously recovers. "No, we haven't. Did you?"
"She wanted to. I turned her down, though."
"…You what?!?! You turned down a kiss from Tomori?! What's wrong with you?!"
Anon smiles. "A lot."
"…Oh. I. Sorry… I didn't mean to-" Taki stops. "…Never mind."
"It's fine. I get what you mean. Bet you would've jumped at the opportunity, huh?" Anon gazes at the ground. "Wish I could be like that."
"You don't have to force yourself."
"I-, oh come on, why does everyone think that?!" She shouts, suddenly standing up. "I've dreamt about it for months! Of course I wanna kiss Tomori, you idiot!"
Taki blinks.
…Oh.
*Oh.*
She really said that out loud, didn't she? Oh, god, oh nonononono, "f-f-f-forget that!" She bleats, her cheeks exploding into a blush, "forget everything you just heard!"
"I-" Taki twitches. "We're literally her girlfriends. Why are you so embarrassed to tell me this?"
"Oh, please. Go on; imagine kissing her. Like you wouldn't curl up into a ball if I teased you about it."
"I-I- that's not important!" There we go; game, set and match. "God, you're annoying even when you're miserable. Seriously…" …Unfortunately, Taki calms down pretty quick. "You aren't forcing yourself, then? You actually wanted to kiss her?"
Anon nods, sitting back down.
"And… you do love her, right?"
"Come on. Do you even have to ask?"
"Admittedly, yeah."
…What is she? An outlier? Some kind of defect? Is Anon just a loser who takes love at a snail's pace compared to most couples? Well… yeah, that summarizes it pretty well, actually. And she's probably got no one but herself to blame. "…Of course I do," she admits, smiling wistfully. "If it weren't for her, I'd be nothing."
Taki's expression lightens, as if processing something. Then she speaks her mind: "Well, I believe you. For what it's worth."
"You mean the part where I'd be nothing without her?"
"No."
"…No, as in, you agree-"
"No, as in, you're selling yourself short."
Dang. "So, you actually know I'm telling the truth when I say-"
"You're more obvious than you think."
Brute-force kindness, huh? It's… effective. "Hah. Thanks."
Taki leans her arm on the benchrest. "But why, then? What's stopping you?"
And… here we are. Anon wishes she could fall into a panic, or break down in tears; but all she gets for her trouble is a small, persistent bile in her throat. It's funny, almost. She wishes she knew how to be sadder. "Do you ever feel like… your relationships could end at any moment?"
"…Sort of. Not the wording I'd use, but… why do you ask?"
"It's how I feel about mine." Anon quietly curls up, relaxing and staring at the puddles strewn around. An incredibly tall building is reflected in one. "Sometimes, I feel like… all my friends are walking on a tightrope with me. And when finally they find out the truth, it snaps. They fall. That's why I try to ignore 'looking down' as much as I can. 'Cause I don't know what else I can do." She turns to one such friend. "Do you remember when you said I've been running up until now? You were right. Story of my life, ever since the happy fantasy of middle-school ended. Ever since horsing around with a band in student council stopped being impressive. Ever since I had to live up to everyone's image of me. Just so they would like me."
…
Anon slouches back. "I'm jealous, y'know? Of you and Tomori. You wear your hearts on your sleeves. I dunno if I have anything to wear in the first place." She smiles. She tries to smile. "I… don't want to let you down. I don't want you to find out I'm just a total disappointment. We'll go on-stage, and I'll bomb it, because I didn't have anything going for me in the first place. I'll dig deep into Tomori's heart, and then she finds out I'm not what she expected, because I stopped matching the Anon in her head," she says. "I just… don't want the tightrope to snap. That's all there really is to it."
Agh… she wishes Ricky would at least laugh, or scowl, or something. She just looks calm. It's annoying. "Expectations, huh. Well. I feel that. Wish I had a solution to that one."
"Tell me about it," Anon sighs.
"…Hey. Do you want my honest opinion on you?"
"Couldn't hurt much at this point," she says. "Sure, why not. Go on."
"I think you're fine."
"…Huh?"
"As in, you're doing alright. I've seen you at your worst and best. And… I'm jealous of you too. Of what you and Tomori have. She changed me… but sometimes I wonder what she sees in me. I wonder whether I'm just clinging to her. You seem way closer."
Well, that's a curveball. Anon feels like she's in another reality. Taki? …Jealous of her? "It's the opposite from my end. I mean, you're way more on her wavelength than I am."
"And you're probably a lot more biased than I am."
"Oh, sure. I'm the biased one, huh."
"…What's *that* supposed to mean?"
She giggles. "Nothing at all~." She looks up. "I'll admit, that does make me feel better. Knowing I've got a one-up on you in that regard."
"You're intolerable." Taki sighs. Then she sits back and looks at Anon head-on. "Hey. Everything you just told me; go and tell Tomori, now."
. Anon freezes. "Wait, what?"
"I mean it. She's the one who needs to hear it."
"…And if it's already too late?"
Taki makes a face like she's about to kill her, and firmly grabs her wrist; Anon's spine rumbles at the touch. "Don't. Like hell you're saying that before I do. Listen, I'll never forgive you if you throw in the towel now, got it? I… well, I don't know where you live, but I could figure it out."
The tension dissipates in an instant. Anon can't help but burst into laughter; "That's the nicest threat I've ever heard!"
"I'm not kidding!"
"I know, I know~…"
Sheesh. Really, now. Who knew Ricky could be so considerate? Anon feels warm. If it wasn't for her, she would've just lied on the floor and joined the puddles. She… owes Ricky for this. A lot.
Wait.
She owes Ricky? The idea makes her sweat bullets. Immediately, she turns to face her and makes a pointed declaration: "I'm not grateful, though. Watch where you're going next time. If it weren't for you, I would've caught up with Tomori already."
"…Huh??? Why… I… you… god, why do I even bother?" Taki scowls. "Forget it. I wasn't trying to help you in the first place. You know I'm just doing this for Tomori."
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Keep it that way, will you? I don't want you of all people getting mushy on me."
"That's my line. Do me a favor and go back to being a nuisance. It's what you're best at."
"…Do you have to word it like that?"
"So you're not gonna run after Tomori, then?"
She lunges in. "I-I didn't say that!"
Taki smiles. "Good."
…Anon. Stops in place, and stares. Gobsmacked. Hey, since when did Ricky look so cool…?
Wait, why are they staring at each other now?! Mortified, the two of them make it a point to swiftly look as far in the opposite direction as possible. Whew; that was a bit *too* close for comfort. Why did she even lean that much towards Ricky's face in the fir-
-Argh, forget it, forget it! She's got more important things to worry about! "Can you let go of my hand already?"
Taki blushes and shuffles back immediately. Anon'll take that as a victory. She stands up, swallows her nerves, and eyes the park's exit. The sun is starting to set.
…Before she dashes off, she whispers it; quietly enough that it hopefully won't be heard: "Thanks, Ricky."
Then she leaves. Night-time roars; blue envelops the sky, somehow reaching through even the noise of the city. The stars are staring down at her in full force. She grabs her phone and starts texting:
'Tomori. Can we talk? I didn't get to finish what I was saying. And I want to be honest with you, about everything.
It doesn't have to be right now. But whenever you're ready, I'll be here for you. Okay?'
Even knowing it might not happen now, she still makes a beeline for Tomori's home. It's by the train station, anyway; she has nothing to lose. Well, okay, that's a lie! She actually has more to lose than she's ever let herself admit. Argh, why was Ricky so optimistic? For all she knows, Tomori probably doesn't want to see Anon in a million years now-
-There's a sound. She pulls out her phone and reads:
'You can come over'
…
…Her heart shoots around. Oh, no, ohhhh no; she didn't think Tomori'd agree right away! This is too soon; only now does Anon realize what exactly she's about to try- no, what she's about to do, even. 'Tell Tomori everything you told me'… yeah, like it's that easy, Ricky!
O-Okay, no, stay calm… it is easy! Seriously, right? How hard could it be? It's not like those are Anon's famous last words at this point. How big a deal could opening up about her dumb issues be? Tomori's her girlfriend. She…
…Okay, this is a big deal.
Anon can no longer ignore the magnitude of the situation. Well, actually, she can certainly try at least; even with the weight crushing her, she still takes deep breaths and keeps herself calm. Acting in spite of magnitude is the only option she has; she'll do anything to make sure she actually heads over instead of running away. C'mon, Anon, just beeline it! She hurls herself into a rush;
and then peters out halfway.
And then walks the rest of the way, panting. *Come on,* how many times has she chased her friends around like it's cat and mouse? W-Why's she so exhausted *now?* Okay, whatever, it's fine if you look like a total mess, Anon… just get over there… oh, god, why is she doing this?! What's gotten into her?! Actually, no, cool those jets; why is she making such a fuss? This isn't like her. She needs to stay calm… argh, but she needs to actually take this seriously… wait, no, she needs to stay calm-
Gah. Forget it. Get moving.
Anon arrives. She's nervous as she starts trudging through the stairs. Half a floor up, she realizes her mistake of not taking the lift, but it… works out. She's too tired by the end to feel anxious anymore. She's…
…She's too tired, in general.
Of running.
Of dodging the issue.
Of hurting Tomori.
Her arms slack at her side as she tries to get her lungs back. Here we go; Tomori's place. This one door is all that's separating them now. She just has to open up and walk inside. E-Easy… right? Hah, no. If only. Okay, Anon… steel yourself… take a deep br-
-Tomori opens the door.
Anon is caught in the headlights. And the moment she faces them… the moment she sees Tomori, the moment she sees all the stars behind her, silently twinkling in Tomori's eyes;
she can't deny herself anymore.
Without a greeting or expression, she closes the distance and sinks into the one she loves with a hug. Tomori gasps. "Can I… stay here for a bit?" Anon asks.
"…"
She rests her face in Tomori's shoulder. The longing quietly trickles out of her, without her even realizing.
…After a few seconds, Tomori gently rests her hands on Anon's back, pulling her in from the expanse of space. It's the warmest touch Anon's ever felt.
It feels like home.
---
wandering
maze
hallucinations lingering images
superimposed
Afraid to stay
Hard to speak
…
Fear of wanting
…Tomori puts aside her notebook. Her room is quiet. Her heart is pounding, making her entire body ache. Sitting across from her now is someone she loves so much she can barely express it. Even though she lives right in the noise of the city, the sky and its stellar lights are blaring out in full force, illuminating them both in a deep blue that lays them bare. It reminds her of the aquarium.
She feels like what she hears tonight could break her apart. So many things in Tomori's life have broken apart; and she's been involved in all of them. She can't help but think it's going to happen again. Even though, this time around, she's put so much clinging into the hope this'll last. She doesn't want it to end. Not again. Not anymore.
And… if it really is ending… then there's no use hiding. She's been hiding for too long today; she's exhausted. She can't keep it up. She looks into Anon's eyes… trying to steel herself. Trying to brace herself. Whether what she's going to feel is a welcoming warmth or a shattering cold, she's… prepared. About as prepared as she can be, but still. Prepared. Because no matter what happens, at the very least she wants to hear Anon out. "I'm… sorry for running away again," Tomori murmurs.
"…It's okay. I'm the one who's really dodging the issue. That's why it took me so long to say anything in the first place."
Anon places her hand over Tomori's. Even *that* is enough to make Tomori shake. She's scared. She's scared…
…They're both scared, aren't they? It's strange. How she and Anon are always in the same place, even when they're fractured. There's nobody she has more in common with than the person who's just as distant-
"I've never wanted someone this much before."
-Until
she's right next to Tomori. "…Huh?" Tomori looks up. "You want… me?"
Anon nods. There's a quiet smile on her face. "Yeah. It's funny; when you first asked me out, I didn't really process how happy I was. But when you leaned in close yesterday, and I… I realized how much you loved me, that's when it hit me." Her hand starts shaking. "Your feelings came through, y'know? They were so intense. That's why it felt so overwhelming… being that deep in love with you."
Ba-thump…!
…Tomori's heart haphazardly scrambles up the chasm. She leans forward and grabs Anon's arm, frantically. "I-I'm sorry! This whole time, I-"
But the strangling feeling starts to dissolve when Anon rests her hand on her back. "It's okay. It's okay…"
Deep breaths.
…
…In… and out. In… a-and out. In…
…and out.
Tomori manages to suppress it. That hoarse voice. The noise gradually recedes. She lets herself relax. "…Thank you…"
"Don't mention it," Anon whispers. "Want me to get some water?"
Tomori shakes her head. "Just…" She slowly lays her head on Anon's arm. "…Can I stay here for a bit?"
Anon runs a hand through her hair. "Take all the time you need."
She lets herself sink. The window falls into her vision; from outside, all the stars're sneaking in, past the crowded city and into her room. They wrap around the walls and ceiling, to surround her in an embrace as she lies on her back. She doesn't bother hating herself. For doubting Anon. She doesn't want to fester or repress her fears. She just… wants to let them be. And right now, naturally, they're fading. In her palm is what she knows she has.
…She treasures it. More than she can express.
When she's calm enough, she lifts herself up and focuses. She was already prepared to hear her girlfriend out in the first place; now she's determined. She turns to Anon; "Are you okay to talk? You… don't have to do it now. We should… take this at our own pace, I think. Whatever's most comfortable."
"I appreciate it. I'll probably always be nervous about this kinda stuff," Anon manages. "But hey, I'd rather live with that and just give it a shot. I mean, remember our first concert? I felt like I was gonna explode. I flubbed the start *twice.* I'm probably a bit braver now thanks to that, right?"
It's not just her. How many times has Tomori felt braver because of her? If only that was easy to put into words. "…Yeah."
"I've got you to thank, then."
Tomori looks away a bit, blushing.
…Anon holds her hand again. Silence ticks through the space for a while; but that's fine. Anon gave her all the time she needed. She can do the same. "Where do I even start? I guess… I'm not used to feeling so strongly about something. I feel kinda detached normally, y'know? Like, when I put my mind to something, I'm not actually expecting to make it that far."
A pause. Tomori squeezes her hand a bit.
There's a small blush on Anon's face now. "But I did. And… now I've got this… messy storm in my chest, and I dunno how to deal with it. It's been building up for a while now," she admits. "Back at the aquarium. Then when you asked me out. Then, when you wanted to kiss. And even now."
"Do you… like feeling like this?"
"I don't like or dislike it. It just… is. Feelings're feelings," Anon says. "You know, I think it was the idea of a kiss that made me realize. That this was a forever too."
Tomori gulps. "You mean… you and me, together?"
"Yeah. That's the moment I fully, genuinely realized we'd always want to be with each other. That's why I panicked." The surprise on Tomori's face is obvious; Anon smiles faintly at it. "I know, I know, it sounds silly. It's the truth though. I was scared. I talk a pretty big game, but you know how I really am."
Wonderful? Vulnerable? Shining? Calming? Probably hundreds of other words that Tomori doesn't think captures it? Or…
…Is this… the same as before? "I just didn't want to let you down. I didn't feel like I was ready."
It is.
"There has to be a breaking point, right? Where the jig's up. I probably only look special to you now 'cause you don't know everything about me yet. I-I don't want you to spend years of your life with me and then realize I'm nothing special. I don't want to hurt you like that. Even… e-even I'd probably agonize over it for the rest of my life if I hurt you, y'know? Haha… I know it doesn't seem that way. I know I barely seem like a girlfriend at times. I kn-know I seem… k-kind of empty, like none of this i-is a big deal to me, but-"
Empty? No. Tomori stops her there. "What do you mean…? Anon, you're crying."
"…Huh?"
Anon slowly brings up her hand to her face. Her eyes widen.
"You're… you're right. That's funny. I-" A sob. "-Haha, I didn't even realize… I…"
She lowers her head, her words trailing off. She tries to continue them, desperately, "
she can't. She dives headfirst into Tomori. A shockwave runs through Tomori's body. "T-Tomori… Tomori, I love you… I love you so much…! I love you, I love you, I love you… I love you…"
Every sob. Every soft, barely-formed word; it seeps into her like an upside-down sea. She holds Anon as tightly as possible, her arms shaking. It hurts; Anon sees herself… so differently. Tomori would do anything to show her how she looks from her eyes. *Anything.* C-Can she do that? In spite of… everything Anon's been through? …No, it's not a question anymore. Tomori isn't thinking about the future; her mind is bursting with unbridled wanting, right here and right now. She will. She'll look embarrassing, and messy, trying to, but that's…
…That's fine. They can be messy around each other! They don't have to pretend! "Anon," she manages, "I love you too. Don't rip yourself apart. I… don't want you to hate yourself. I don't want to lose you. The idea of that, it's… it's too much. I'm scared."
"I-It's okay. So am I. I mean!" Anon barely puts her words together, and looks up. "I probably look like a total loser now, r-right?"
She tries to bury herself back into Tomori's shoulder. But Tomori doesn't let her; she moves her head back up so they're face-to-face, eliciting a short breath from Anon as she brushes aside one of her tears and gazes into her eyes. "Don't hide it," she begs. The words scramble around in her brain, spilling out around her. Drifting? Aimless? No, it's not like that. How does she put it? How? "I… I… I want to see every side of you, Anon. Even if you're worried, or you feel like running away… I want us to be going in the same direction. If there's something about ourselves we're scared of showing, we should admit that… even if we think it's ugly. Because… because…"
She can't finish it. Anon does it for her. "That way, we'll have nothing to hide, huh?"
Tomori nods. Her voice lets itself out as she stares down at Anon's hand, clasped in hers; "Anon, I… I'd never hate you. I'd never throw you away. N-No matter what I learn about you, it doesn't change what I know! It doesn't change what I've seen! And…! If you're ever afraid. If you're ever too scared to tell the truth…!"
She flares up at Anon and screams from her heart:
"Then I'll make you love me so much that you're honest with yourself."
The stars finally reach Anon's eyes. The shimmer in her irises becomes a beacon, and a blush spreads across her face, enveloping her in warmth. Tomori doesn't look away for a single second; unwaveringly, her wonderful, flaming light blasts through the fog and strikes her heart like an arrow, the intensity flowing and spreading through her. As if it was a part of her from the very moment they connected.
Anon's denial dissipates. Unbridled thoughts spill out.
Her shoulders lower. And gently…
…she brings a hand to Tomori's face. Leaning in. "Can I?"
The light reflects into Tomori. Tomori nods, her mind singing. Her own heart surges back to life, the sparks flying as the distance disappears.
The warmth really is overwhelming.
…She'll forever remember the taste of Anon's lips.
Anon moves back, playing with her hair. "W-Was that good? I can't tell if I- waugh!!!"
Tomori leaps forward, clutching Anon in her arms. "Can I…?"
Anon sweats bullets. Tomori's ready; for Anon to leave it at that. To pause. That's fine. She can wait as long as she needs, and the choice is always hers. Tomori just has to make it known, any way possible; how she feels about her. That's why she asked, right now-
"…Yeah."
-
Her heart thumps. Anon is smiling and drawing her in.
Tomori lets her feelings pour out.
And Anon lets herself relax, as she's caught up in the hurricane of Tomori's love.