Chapter Text
Sunset was upon them as the Jolly boat neared The Revenge. Bright scarlet and serene amber painted the sky, a promise of good fortune and delight for the evening to come. The sea was smooth and calm, allowing the small vessel to approach with ease, slicing through the water like a Cutlass through butter. Within minutes, the dinghy was secured alongside the pirate ship and a welcoming Jacob’s ladder was unfurled over the side, inviting the passengers to climb aboard.
“Come on crew, make room for our guest!”, Co-Captain Stede Bonnet said, waving a hand in the air to break up the crowd which had congregated by the taffrail, blocking the way for the newcomers. “Remember what we say about first impressions”.
“Ta not shat ourselves, Cap’ín?” a voice called out above the rest.
“Close, Mr. Buttons”, Stede replied. “That we only have one chance of…”
“Making a first impression”, the crew chanted along, like a group of school children.
“Good work crew, that’s the spirit!” Stede said with a victorious swipe of his fist in front of him in a ‘let’s go get’em’ fashion.
“Frenchie, Jim, give our guest a hand up please. Lucius, make sure you write all of this down, I want to capture the true essence of this historic moment, of when the brave and ruthless gentleman pirate forms his first formal trade agreement with an honourable ambassador from the United Kingdom!”
“Essence, sure”, Lucius drawled, unenthusiastically opening the hefty journal on a new page and putting quill to parchment. Unable to help himself, he added a blasé “You mean that your pomme pen-pal has brought you some porn, yeah?”
“Language, Lucius!” Bonnet exclaimed in offence. “He is a Citizen of Her Majesty’s United Kingdom, and I’d thank you to not use such derogatory names. Remember, words hurt.”
A muttering of agreement rumbled through the group, stopping only when a pair of heeled dress shoes landed on deck. And what beautiful shoes they were indeed, wrapped in blush pink silk with delicately embroidered detail. A cream bow crowned the buckle, the fabric producing a peppy bounce with each measured step. Funnily enough, Bonnet just so happened to be wearing an identical pair, except in a powdered blue colour.
Stede’s face bloomed as he approached the wearer of the pink heels, arms outstretched in a welcoming gesture of good faith.
“Aziraphale!” Bonnet declared, a wide smile blooming across his face as he approached the guest, going in immediately for a hug.
“Captain Bonn-et!” Aziraphale returned, the last syllable choked out of him as he was rather suddenly and unexpectantly wrapped in a giant bear hug, stronger than they seemed arms embracing him with vigor. “N-ice to see you, Stede. What a-a lovely ship you have!”
“She is a beaut, isn’t she?!” Stede beamed, finally releasing the other blonde from the strong hold and swiping his arms out to the wider ship, barely missing whacking Frenchie square in the face. “Welcome to The Revenge, the finest and fastest ship in the Southern seas, and a fearsome crew to boot. Isn’t that right, team?!”
“’’bout the ship or ‘bout us, Cap’n? Cause to be fair, neither – “
“Never mind Wee John, it was a rhetorical question,” Stede was quick to cover up, ever the optimistic with the reputation of his beloved ship and crew. “Come now my friend,” Stede said to Aziraphale, “let me give you the grand tour of… of…”
Much to Bonnet’s surprise, another set of shoes stepped on board, having climbed up the rickety ladder from the Jolly boat. Shinny snake-skinned cavalier boots which hugged a pair of slim, bony shins. Tight leather breeches stemmed up along long, lithe legs, not to mention over a truly glorious backside. It was unfortunate that said rump was concealed by the tail of a long, luxurious frock coat, jet black with bright scarlet lining. Scandalous winks of red flashed as the mysterious stranger sauntered aboard, confident and cocky like he owned the place.
“Oh Stede, my-my sincere apologies, this is my, umm… my friend, companion, Crowley,” Aziraphale stuttered out, well-manicured fingers doing an awful lot of unnecessary fluttering about. “Crowley this is, well you know who this is, we came here to see him after all. Well, anyhoo, this is Captain Stede Bonnet, the gentleman pirate!” he ended, overly enthused by the mixing of gentleman with pirate.
“Charmed,” Crowley drawled, tone tittering on the line between boredom and sarcasm. Much to his surprise, the blonde pirate seemed to possess the same inability to read sarcasm that the blonde angel did. It was infuriatingly adorable.
“Oh of course, the more the merrier! A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Mr. Crowley,” Bonnet said, reaching his hand out for a respectable shake.
“No Mister, just Crowley,” the redhead corrected with a flat mouth, the beginnings of a scowl tugging his face as he pulled a hand out of his pocket to take the proffered hand, limply shaking it once before stashing it back into hiding.
“Of course, noted!” Stede said, whispering to his side for Lucius to make a literal note about it. “Well, shall we? The tour awaits!”
“Jolly good old chap. Lead the way, Captain!” Aziraphale beamed, following his pirate friend.
Lucius rolled his eyes as he watched the two blondes pass, finding both of their outfits to be ridiculously overcomplicated and flamboyant for being at sea. To Crowley, however, he let his eyes roam from the tip of the fiery, shoulder-length red hair to the bottom of the snake-skinned boots, assessing the well-tailored fit and giving a rare nod of approval. “Nice” Lucius remarked.
“I know”, Crowley replied with a raised eyebrow. He knew he looked good, of course he did. His personal motto stood true and steady – ‘if there is anything worth doing, it’s worth doing with style’. And indeed, he did.
With a languid swaying of bony hips, he followed the two blondes, trailing behind like a dawdling teenager, or an obedient puppy. Whichever analogy floats your boat.
……….
“Looks like we have company, Captain”, Izzy croaked as he let himself into the washroom. “Some English twats. One of them seems to be pretty tight with Bonnet. Looks like they were both plucked from the same fucking pansy bush.”
“Oh shit, fuck, that was today?!” Ed cursed as he splashed about in the bath, hurriedly grabbing the soap and viciously scrubbing his armpits.
“Don’t think that’s gonna matter much, Captain”, Izzy scoffed, nodding his head towards the lavender-scented soap. “The whole crew smells like piss, breath stinking of arse and arse stinking of shit. Don’t think a bit of fucking purple soap is gonna fix that”.
“Yeah, yeah nah, you’re right”, Ed replied. However, he still proceeded to take a bite out of said purple soap, making a surprisingly pleased face as he chewed.
Izzy cringed, wrapping his gloved hand around the hilt of his sword.
“They brought a big fuck-off chest with them. Bet there’s a pretty penny to be found in there. Shall we gut them alive and take our fill?”
“Hmm, tempting, but nah”, Ed said, splashing some water over his face and rinsing off his long black beard. “It’s Stede’s friend. I’d never hear the end of it if we did that. Plus, Stede said he’s alright, don’t think a fucking bookseller is gonna be much trouble. Although…paper cuts can be pretty fucking nasty, stingy little shits”, Ed grimaced.
“Forget fucking paper cuts, you cock!” Izzy snapped, “we haven’t had any good loot for months, I deserve to be paid for all the wanking shit I’ve had to put up with. You’re lucky I’m even still here”.
Ed groaned dramatically, resting his head back on the rim of the tub. “Fine. But no gutting and don’t touch the books. Stede would kill me”.
“Don’t touch the stupid fucking books, aye Captain”, Izzy snarled.
He watched as his Captain rose out of the tub, unable to keep his eyes to himself, not with the soapy suds and wet droplets sliding down the toned, tattooed skin. Let’s be honest, the first mate was perving.
“Do ya mind, mate? I’m starkers”, Ed said as he reached for a towel, using it to pat himself dry. “Go on, piss off”.
Izzy scoffed again, suddenly averting his eyes and pretending like he wasn’t ogling at Ed’s naked body like a starved man at a buffet.
With a click of his heels, Izzy turned and was gone.
“Same pansy bush huh?” Ed said to himself, musing that thought as he finished drying off. “Interesting”.
……….
“A prostitute! Can you believe it? They thought that I was a prostitute!” Stede’s voice travelled down the hall as they approached the Captain’s quarters.
“And you were wearing white? How preposterous indeed!” Aziraphale’s genuinely shocked voice rung out. “The colour of peace and purity. How dare they!”
“I dunno ‘bout that Angel, some people who wear white can be rather slutty, I should know”, Crowley chimed in, the cheeky smirk quite evident in his voice.
“Yes, well. Even so,” Aziraphale chirped, not at all flushed by that targeted remark. “How horrid to be misconstrued as a lady of the night. Not- not that there is anything wrong with that kind of profession of course, just, well I could imagine that it would be embarrassing for all parties involved, the misunderstanding that is”.
“And it was! I tell you, selling a man is rather more difficult than one would expect it to be”, Stede added as he opened the door, chivalrously holding it for the other two to walk through. “After you”.
“Gentleman pirate indeed”, Aziraphale remarked, sporting a bright smile as he waltzed into the spacious room.
The smile grew into a full-blown look of astonishment as he took in the luxurious room. With its lacquered woods, exquisite fabrics and full-functioning library, well, it was what the angel wished that Heaven would be, instead of the sterile, minimalistic concept that it was. But this, this he could really get used to.
“Oh my!” Aziraphale breathed.
“Oh no”, Crowley groaned.
“Oh what?” Stede asked, closing the heavy door behind them so that they could have some peace and quiet.
“No no no, Angel, we are here to get rid of books, not to accumulate more of the bloody things!”
“But Crowley, look at them! So beautifully bound and kept in such good condition too. How do you ever keep them so pristine at sea, Stede?”
“He coddles them like children”, a deep voice sounded as Ed emerged from a hidden door, fashioning a dark silken scarf around his neck. “Should see him when the storms come. Wrapping them up with sheets and all ‘Eeedd, the water’ll fuck the pages up!’”
Crowley blinked hard behind his opaque black glasses, taking a moment before throwing his head back and bursting out in laughter.
“He did the same thing with the books on the dinghy!” Crowley exclaimed, motioning towards the Angel. “Bloody things were packed tighter than a fucking carronade!”
“Ha!” Ed busted out a face-splitting grin. “Who’s this? I like you!” he said with conviction as he marched across the room and offered his hand out to the slender redhead.
Enthusiastically, Crowley took the hand and squeezed tight, not disliking the feel of the fingerless leather gloves against his palm.
“Crowley”, the demon offered with a grin. “So, who do I have to tempt around here to get a drink?”
“Ah-ha!” Ed boomed. “Now ya talkin’!” taking his hand back and flinging it over his head, pointing a finger in some indistinguishable direction. “Good stuffs back here, I’ll get us some”.
“Um, Ed dear. Might I introduce you to Mr. Aziraphale Fell as well? My good friend and hook up for antiques and unusual books”.
“Antiquarian and unusual books, that has a lovely ring to it”, Aziraphale said, doing a little swish of ruffled cream cuffs in front of him in an absolutely non-anxious manner.
“Fuck, shit, yeah, sorry,” Ed shook some sense into his head, putting down the decanter of rum with a clink and returning across the room to shake Aziraphale’s hand. “Pleasure to meet ya mate”.
“Mate”, Aziraphale chirped with a nervous giggle. “Don’t think I’ve ever been called Mate before. Rather thrilling really, all ‘yo-ho matey and down with the timbers’”, another nervous laugh followed by an embarrassed clearing of the throat. “Nice to meet you. Ed, was it?”
“Ed, yeah, or Black Beard” he commented, taking his hand back after the shake then returning to pouring out servings of rum. “Just don’t call me Mr. Teach. Makes me feel like an old fucking prune.”
“I like prunes”, Aziraphale said, a momentarily far-off glance shown as he reminisced on the first time he partook in the deliciously sticky fruit.
“You like anything to do with food, Angel”, Crowley commented, nodding his thanks as Ed handed him a tumbler of rum.
“I don’t think we have any prunes, but we certainly have dates. Our resident chef Mr. Roach is preparing quite a lovely feast for us tonight I believe, no better way to celebrate our arrangement than breaking bread,” Stede said, accepting his own glass from Ed.
“Oh, how wonderful!” Aziraphale said, beaming with joy as he accepted a cup of the amber liquid from the pirate. “You didn’t have to, but I am rather pleased that you did, I must admit that I am feeling rather peckish.”
“Well then, it sounds like we have a rather pleasant evening ahead of us,” Stede said, waiting until all four of them were standing in a circle. “To friendship, books, and other earthly pleasures!” he posed, lifting his drink in an invitation to toast.
“Here here!” the other three cheered, following suit and clinking the glasses together before sipping deeply.
A fitting start to what would be a most interesting evening.