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The school year started blindingly fast, overwhelming Wylan with a large campus with even larger numbers of students, but then it slowed down when Nina decided he’d be her best friend. He figured out how lectures worked, he spent ample time with professors during their office hours, and he’d never been graded unfairly now that he had access to accommodations.
Wylan had gone through midterms twice, and now was going into finals for the second time too. He knew what to expect, he knew to take the study guides seriously, to talk to classmates and set up study dates with them. Everything was supposed to be seamless and rewarding, but something had happened a few weeks ago.
They’d all gone to a party, the six of them, and by the end of it only five remained. Jesper had been forced to sit through a particularly discouraging display of lacrosse bros being garbage and decided he didn’t want to be friends with Matthias anymore because of it. This put Wylan in a very tough spot, as he loved Jesper more than anything in the world but Matthias was very much still his roommate.
Of course Wylan wasn’t there, so he didn’t feel like he got to make the final call, but he believed Matthias just needed some help finding himself. Maybe he was being overly optimistic or naive but he believed in the Matthias that was careful not to bother him for all the months they lived together, and the Matthias that helped him during his very first panic attack.
Wylan was stuck between wanting to give Matthias another chance and seeing how miserable the whole thing made his boyfriend. Jesper was not having a good time this finals season, this might have been the most stressed and uninvolved in the friend group he’d been since they entered university. Finals week, and a national track meet and Matthias betraying him were taking up all the space in his brain.
Jesper’s mind was muddled and mucky and between studying and going to practice and kissing Wylan to relieve his stress, he was not capable of anything else. Wylan stepped up to remind him to take his meds, to drink water, to eat breakfast, to brush his teeth, to get some fresh air on a walk not a run. It had been months since he’d seen Jesper so low.
On top of finals, track, and not being friends with Matthias anymore, summer was almost here, and they’d all have to leave the dorms. The apartment they were all planning to move into together, Wylan, Jesper, Nina, Inej, Kaz and Matthias. Now Wylan wondered if that was still happening, they’d been looking for places but the loss or addition of a person changed everything.
“Hey, my love, slow down…” Wylan brushed his fingers through Jesper’s hair as he shoved his head out from underneath the blankets, all he’d been doing was touching Wylan to make himself feel better. Wylan couldn’t complain, but he was getting more concerned, Jesper had a certain urgency to him, like if Wylan wasn’t watching him he’d fizzle out completely.
“Mmm, it wasn’t good?” Jesper’s final straw could very well be this, Wylan cupped his face in both his hands and kissed the taste of himself off of his boyfriend’s lips. It was always going to be good, but Jesper was so not good right now it was hard to ignore it and just support how he was choosing to cope.
“You’re always so good, don’t look so worried,” Wylan tilted Jesper’s head up towards him so he could kiss the furrow between his brows. He’d been thinking too hard, hurting himself with all the things he didn’t have the capacity to say out loud. “I think we should talk about it, Jes, you can’t just go down on me every time you want to avoid a subject.”
“Can’t I?” Jesper asked this earnestly, with the big, pitiful eyes he’d been sporting for the past few weeks, and Wylan shook his head with all the strength he could conjure up. It was so tempting, but Jesper was slowly destroying himself, and that wasn’t what either of them wanted. “I don’t want to talk about it, if I talk about it I can’t focus on exams and then I’ll fail and that’s a problem when you’re on scholarship, and I’ll run bad too-”
Wylan had no choice but to pull Jesper in for a kiss to stop his spiralling, there was little else he could do that would convince his lover to stop worrying for a moment. For a moment everything was clear, warm, soft and familiar. Jesper wished he could kiss Wylan forever, the way his mind stopped barking at him was a taste of heaven, not to mention it felt like it too.
“You sound like me,” Wylan pulled back to take a breath, leaning back in when Jesper didn’t seem ready to stop. He gave him a few more slow kisses until he had to get back to talking, they had to talk about it, no matter how difficult it was. “That’s not a good sign, hm?” He smoothed his thumb over Jesper’s warm cheek as they looked into each other’s eyes. “What are we actually worried about, Jes? I know you, honey, I know that’s not it.”
Sure, Jesper might have residual thoughts about flunking out of university or embarrassing the track team with his performance but that wasn’t the main concern. These were made up reasons that added to his stress because he wanted to justify feeling so nervous over losing a friend. Jesper was worried because Matthias wasn’t his friend anymore, because Matthias had picked such horrible people over him.
“Is it me…?” Jesper said softly, turning his face so he could press his mouth into Wylan’s palm, blocking his words. Wylan frowned lightly, slowly dropping his hand to find Jesper’s fingers instead. “Something’s wrong with me…I think…maybe I’m a bad person?”
Wylan held onto Jesper’s shaking hand tightly, eyes flickering over his boyfriend’s face. He wished he could come up with something to say faster, but he was so taken aback by it. Jesper was worried he was a bad person? The same man who loved Wylan like it was breathing thought he wasn’t good?
Jesper was the only reason Wylan had made it out of high school, made it out of an abusive home, made it until he could confidently see himself having a future. He was not a bad person, not to Wylan, not to any of their friends. Jesper was just as careful with Inej and Nina and Kaz as he was with Wylan.
He’d been careful with Matthias too, they spoke like they’d been friends for ages, Jesper invited Matthias into his space with shoulder bumps and batting his arm when he laughed. Jesper had verbally and physically helped Matthias feel like he belonged, and he’d done it on purpose, and he still thought he was bad?
“I don’t want you to ever say that again,” Wylan sucked in a breath, gaze hardening as he held Jesper’s hand firmly and pressed his forehead to Jesper’s. “You’re not a bad person, you’re the most considerate person I’ve ever met. You put everyone first, you’re so good that your needs don’t even cross your mind most of the time.” He brought Jesper’s hand up to his mouth and lightly kissed it. “Nothing is wrong with you, absolutely nothing. You’re such a wonderful person, Jesper, you’re my favourite person.”
Jesper believed Wylan when he said it, his heart too warm for his chest, threatening to fall out so Wylan could hold it in his hands for safekeeping. He leaned in quickly, words wouldn’t be enough to show how much gratitude flooded his veins. Their lips met and Wylan went wherever Jesper wanted him to go, tilting his head to let his boyfriend kiss him for longer.
When they parted, Wylan’s eyes fluttered over Jesper’s face, curious and knowing. The worry hadn’t completely gone away, it hovered over him and cast shadows of self-doubt over his face.
“There’s one more thing…” Jesper said softly after a long silence, he’d been working up the courage to open up and Wylan’s gentle hand reassured him he wasn’t going anywhere. “I realize I’m being kinda annoying and whiny-”
“Jesper.” Wylan warned, gentle and firm at the same time. He wasn’t going to sit here and let Jesper talk down to himself like this, but he also wasn’t going to punish him for having bad thoughts.
“Right, sorry, I’m sorry,” Jesper knew they’d had the conversation before, he’d been way better at watching how he spoke about himself but it didn’t really go away. He kept trying, Wylan let him try as many times as he wanted. “What if…it’s actually not a big deal and I just ruined this whole thing. For everyone. I couldn’t think before I spoke and now we’re all not friends.”
“What’s not a big deal?” Wylan brought his free hand up to touch Jesper’s shoulder, giving him a tiny squeeze. “I think enabling hurt like that is a big deal, Jes, I don’t think you were overreacting at all.”
“Does…um…do you think everyone thinks that too?” Jesper’s voice was so quiet, like he was scared to say it and have Wylan tell him everyone hated him for what he’d done. Wylan sat up impossibly straight, getting onto his knees and grabbing Jesper by the face.
“I am positive Nina, Inej and Kaz don’t want to be friends with someone who wouldn’t call out misogyny and transphobia.” Wylan made sure Jesper was looking directly at him as he said it, looking right into his eyes. Wylan was so confident in his friends, he liked to think he knew them. They wouldn’t stand for it, they’d do the same thing Jesper did. “I can ask them if it’s too much for you? Would you like that?”
“I’d fucking love that…” Jesper gasped this out like it hadn’t crossed his mind that he could just ask his friends their opinions. He leaned into Wylan’s left hand and his right one pushed into his hair comfortingly. “That’s really scary…like the scariest ever.”
“I’ll do it for you, don’t worry anymore.” Wylan wished he knew sooner that Jesper just wanted clarification, he’d been trying to talk but Jesper just didn’t want to. He wanted to distract and postpone and deal with it later. Wylan couldn’t go on seeing the love of his life hurt himself like this. “It’s a little scary but I don’t think they’d hurt you.”
“Do you really think that?” Jesper thought Wylan’s opinions were the most important, he was thoughtful and methodical. He’d have irrefutable evidence that each friend didn’t secretly wish to watch Jesper deteriorate like he’d already been doing.
“I don’t just think, I know it.” Wylan lightly scratched his lover’s scalp before pulling away completely and getting up off the bed. “Break time’s over, my love, back to studying.” He’d actually allowed Jesper 15 more minutes than they’d agreed on, but he needed the extra time to process.
“Studying is the worst, finals are the worst.” Jesper groaned, head tilted back as he sighed loudly, offering Wylan both of his hands so he could help him to his feet. “Anything that separates us is evil.”
“If you could study and not stare at me, we wouldn’t have to be separated.” Wylan kept his voice low, it was a secret that wasn’t a secret. If Jesper was with Wylan all his thoughts would be about him, he’d find a way to relate every single word in his textbook or novel to Wylan. Studying together meant Jesper would sit there stealing glances at his boyfriend until the library closed.
Wylan wouldn’t ever get over it, that Jesper could not be in the room with him and try to ignore him. He felt so unbelievably special, he was convinced he was the luckiest person in the world.
“Genuinely impossible.” Jesper leapt to his feet, so much force so quickly had made Wylan wobble. He was there to catch him, if catch meant grabbing him around the hips and yanking him in for a warm hug.
“I’ll see you later, honey…” Wylan murmured into Jesper’s chest, tilting his head up so he could press a small kiss to the dainty star-shaped lock hanging from his neck. “Come pick me up when they kick you out.”
“I’d pick you up way sooner,” Jesper was defeated, he was being forced to study without company and excuses to not to work. “See you, baby. I’ll miss you a lot and it’ll be really painful.” He kissed Wylan’s cheek with an exaggerated smooching noise.
“I love you.” Wylan took a step back, dramatically letting his arms fall from where they’d been wrapped around Jesper.
“I love you most.” Jesper pouted, weakly reaching out to grab Wylan’s fingers. Wylan smiled, giving a small, disapproving shake of his head. They’d have to go on with their days eventually, exams were still happening, summer wasn’t here yet.
The second the semester was over, Wylan was all Jesper’s, and Jesper held onto that idea to get him through every moment in that damned library away from him.
…
“Do you know what I hate about Wylan?” Nina was sitting at her desk tapping her highlighter against her brilliantly colour coded notes, her nails clinking prettily on the pen cap. Inej was sprawled on top of her bed, textbook open in front of her and translucent sticky notes neatly being stuck over diagrams.
“I’m literally just sitting here quietly.” Wylan mumbled, Inej had lent him her desk, she didn’t like using it anyways, she always felt so stiff sitting down for too long. Nina spun around in her chair, sitting backwards with her legs on either side of the chair back.
“You never had an awkward makeup phase, I fucking loathe you for that.” Nina said this like she wasn’t the one who taught him everything he knew, even supplying him with makeup palettes she didn’t reach for as often and brushes she was hoarding.
“He has an artist’s advantage.” Inej added, it had taken her forever to master the art of eyeliner but Wylan had such a steady hand and an understanding of the curves of faces that he could do it no problem. “I don’t hate him for it, though.”
“Thank you, Nej.” Wylan whipped his head over to look at his best friend, batting his eyes to prove his point that he was under attack for something he’d worked for.
“Oh, make me the bad guy.” Nina grumbled, there was no fire behind it though. She leaned further into the chair and looked at Wylan, it seems Jesper was not the only one with a staring problem. “Your blend is insane. I want to rip all your eyelashes off in a jealous fury.”
“Hello? Please don’t.” Wylan laughed in fear, hands coming up to hide his eyelashes from Nina’s peculiar threat. “Again, the artist thing, colour theory, coloured pencils, chalk pastels.”
“You’re very good at colours.” Inej agreed, she spent lots of time huddled up with Jesper flipping through Wylan’s sketchbooks while Wylan pointedly didn’t look at them, frightened by the thought of criticism from people he loved. “Neens, your eyeshadow always looks good.”
“Yes, but after two years of it looking like patchy poop garbage.” Nina almost tilted over in the chair completely but got up just in time and caught it. She sighed loudly, apparently done with studying, and wandered to their mini fridge for a drink. “I think I need new highlighters.”
“You have so many.” Wylan could see the pencil case full of them, and he already knew exactly what his best friend was going to say. This was a frequent topic of discussion, Nina should have learned to not bring it up in front of him.
“But they’re the wrong ones. I need the light pink, the dusty pink, not fluorescent.” Nina squatted down and rooted through the fridge, grabbing a can of sparkling water and popping it open.
“I wish they sold them by themselves, not in a pack.” Inej didn’t colour code her notes like Nina did, but she could appreciate how easy everything was to read with the help of her dusty pink highlighter. She was more of a page flag girl, it was impressive how she wielded them.
“Could I ask you guys something?” Wylan had been waiting for a moment where they weren’t all silently studying together, he’d hate to break someone's concentration. Nina always broke first, usually after she was done with a chapter and needed to stretch her legs and drink something carbonated. Inej seemed like she could study forever, only reminded to take a break when Nina jumped to her feet or Wylan got up to use the bathroom.
“Maybe.” Nina leaned against her desk, crossing her ankles and taking a long sip of cool sparkling water. She seemed to brighten right up, all she needed was a little bubbly pick-me-up.
“Of course, Wy.” Inej shut her textbook to give him her undivided attention, rolling over so she could easily sit cross legged, facing him.
“About Matthias, it’s been bothering me that we stopped being friends so quickly. Do you think we made a mistake dropping him without thinking?” Wylan had rehearsed his line a million times and this was the best he could come up with. Nina’s eyebrows scrunched up immediately, and Wylan knew he couldn’t look at her, Inej looked more puzzled than anything.
Inej was trying to get to where Wylan was, so she could empathise with him and see where he was coming from. Nina was trying to not doubt herself that the words that came out of her best friend’s mouth were not her best friend’s.
“You mean it’s been bothering Jesper.” Nina put her can down on her desk and crossed her arms over her chest. Wylan was still not looking at her, he fought the urge to clear his throat or blink his eyes, tells he was very aware he had.
“No, I mean me…” Wylan tried to keep his voice very steady and ended up sounding completely monotonous. Inej softly pursed her lips, she had tried to be encouraging but it was getting a bit obvious. He tried, he really tried.
“Wy, you want me, your best fucking friend, to believe that you’re apologetic about cutting out someone who put your partner through that?” Nina raised an eyebrow, she didn’t bother playing the long game, she laid all her cards out instantly. Wylan cleared his throat despite his better judgement and Nina let out one single syllable of a very knowing laugh.
“Jes is still bothered? It’s been weeks…” Inej found it extremely easy to empathise with Jesper, she cared for him so deeply so quickly, he’d really felt like family she missed so much.
“Okay, fine, you know me too well.” Wylan sank in his chair a few inches, frowning as he turned his head to look at Nina who was more offended he’d assume he could get away with lying to her more than anything else. “He thinks that he’s hated for splitting up the friend group, but he’s worried you’ll say you hate him, so I’m asking.”
“If I hate him? Since the day I met him, way before the party,” Nina offered, with a pleasant smile on her face and Wylan rolled his eyes at her, he was being serious. “You know I’m being difficult on purpose.” She grabbed her drink again and took a contemplative sip. “I love him so much and he’s dumb to think he can tell me to do anything. If I wanted to be friends with Matthias after the party, I’d be friends with Matthias.”
“Okay, thank you.” Wylan nodded, of course he knew Nina didn’t hate Jesper. Nina was the kind of person that didn’t pull her punches. If she didn’t like someone it was glaringly obvious, she didn’t need to say it, her actions screamed it.
“As someone who…” Inej trailed off quickly, she didn’t know what she was going to say and all the thoughts fought to tumble through her mouth first. Nina put her half-empty can back down, abandoning her spot by her desk to sit on the bed beside Inej. “I needed someone to speak up for me and they didn’t.” Inej drew herself up until Nina’s arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulled her into her side. “I could never hate someone who spoke up.”
“I didn’t even think of that.” Wylan whispered, getting up from his chair and piling onto the bed right in front of the two of them. Nina extended her other arm to him and Wylan offered an arm to Inej, she smiled warmly and was the one to pull them into a tight group hug.
“It does fucking suck though, Matthias was so…promising? I don’t know, there was potential and then he gave it up to be frat boy-adjacent.” Nina murmured into Inej’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of her roommate’s head before leaning over to kiss Wylan’s curls.
“Falling in with the wrong crowd really…can break a person.” Inej took a small breath, gently blowing a piece of her hair away from her eye when she wormed her way between Wylan and Nina’s arms for some air. “Did you ask Kaz what he thinks?”
“If he hates Jesper?” Wylan turned to Inej, not fighting it at all when Nina began laying down on top of both of them. “Or if he hates Matthias?”
“At least Kaz is consistent,” Nina commended him for this, laying her head on Inej’s chest and wrapping her leg around Wylan’s middle. “Evenly distributed hate and distaste for the entire friend group. You gotta respect it.”
But Wylan didn’t feel very hated by Kaz, least of all did he feel like Kaz had any distaste for him. He hummed in thought, resting across Inej’s legs with his head against Nina’s stomach. He guessed he did have to ask Kaz next, and then, take it one step forward and ask Matthias.
…
“You didn’t need help packing.” Kaz stopped in the doorway of Wylan’s dorm, the door was wide open waiting for his arrival and Wylan’s very few belongings were tucked into his laundry basket ready to be picked up. “Hendriks, you made me walk all the way over here.”
“I didn’t make you do anything,” Wylan crafted an elaborate text to make Kaz walk over to his dorm, simply by mentioning Jesper wouldn’t be there and that he was a little worried he had too much to pack. Wylan and Kaz both knew Wylan didn’t have many things. “I just have a question.”
“You couldn’t ask over the phone?” Kaz didn’t look at Wylan as he asked, but at the side of the room that belonged to Matthias. They both hadn’t spoken to him since the party, but Wylan still lived with him. Wylan said the occasional good morning but it was hard to get anything out of Matthias, sometimes he would nod, but he was too ashamed to look at him.
“It’s an important question.” Wylan sat down on the end of his bed and softly clasped his hands together. He actually hadn’t rehearsed how he’d say this to Kaz Brekker, it wasn’t going to be the same as Nina and Inej, they were not the same audience. “Do you hate Jes?”
“You did not fucking bring me here for that.” Kaz clicked his tongue, he expected better of Wylan, that he wouldn’t ask him questions he clearly knew the answer to. He thought Wylan was particularly impressive and clever, why would he ask him something so easily answered?
“It’s not for me, it’s for Jes, you understand.” Wylan nibbled on the inside of his cheek, yes he had just exposed his boyfriend, but there was no way Kaz was going to buy it. Nina and Kaz knew Wylan too well, in vastly different yet scarily similar ways.
“I understand.” Kaz said finally, his understanding of Jesper was not unlike his understanding of Wylan. Though Jesper wore most things out in the open for all to see, Wylan kept most everything underneath. There were things Kaz could guess about Jesper, things he tried to hide, but he couldn’t guess with Wylan. It just wasn’t wise. “I don’t hate him, and you understand he can’t know that.”
“I do and I don’t get it.” Wylan couldn’t imagine not telling the people he loved that he loved them, after a childhood of guessing if he was loved or not he had an innate need to reaffirm those around him. He didn’t want the people around him to have those same doubts, the same overwhelming feelings of emptiness and inadequacy. “You know that I-”
“Wait till Fahey hears you’re coming onto me.” Kaz mumbled, fondly, this was how Wylan knew he loved him back. Wylan scoffed at him, flopping down on his bed, he didn’t know how Jesper didn’t lose his temper everytime Kaz said something like this. Wylan supposed Jesper didn’t really have a temper, not until it mattered anyways.
“Oh please, you wish.” Wylan mumbled back, very fond when Kaz snorted at him. “Then do you hate Matthias? I think it’s a valid question, stop acting like you’re the most straightforward person to exist.” He sat back up at the sight of Kaz’s exasperated expression, Wylan was doing boyfriendly duties, he’d bring back a full report on everything Jesper was worried about and why he shouldn’t be anymore.
“I hate that he’s letting himself get stuck.” Kaz supposed he didn’t hate him as much as he felt sorry for him, that he was going to let the people around him dig him into a hole and bury him there. “I hate that Jesper was angrier than him.”
“You love him.” Wylan was pleased with this answer, he scooped up his phone from where he threw it on the pillow after getting confirmation that Kaz was on the way over to help him pack nonexistent belongings. The library would be closing for the night and he could surprise Jesper by picking him up before he got kicked out.
“Nobody will believe you.” Kaz knew his audience, the group considered Wylan to be the best of the best, hopeful and brave and courageous and ever the optimist. They would think a love confession from Kaz Brekker was Wylan trying to comfort them, a figment of his imagination, a nice thought but not likely.
“I kinda hate you right now.” Wylan narrowed his eyes, getting off of his bed and dusting the sheets for any sign of where he’d crumpled the fabric. “Did you wanna get dinner with-”
“Helvar.” Kaz greeted, he’d known about the lacrosse team before he sent Jesper into the thick of it, he knew about Matthias’ silence. The party changed nothing. Wylan blinked a few times at the sight of Matthias Helvar appearing in the doorway, like he didn’t live here.
“I could leave…?” Matthias didn’t know what else to say, his entire existence felt like an intrusion nowadays. Letting Wylan look at him felt wrong, he felt like he took up too much space. He knew he’d done something wrong and he’d be reminded every time he saw Wylan’s knowing blue eyes.
“We’re just leaving.” Kaz waved his hand dismissively, he for one didn’t care where Matthias went, all he knew was Wylan was leaving and he didn’t see a reason to stay since he’d been summoned to soothe a non-present boyfriend.
Wylan wasn’t going to say anything as he gathered his shoes from in front of the door, he didn’t even pay Matthias attention as he awkwardly shuffled out of Wylan’s way. He was going to leave everything as it was, tell Jesper that Nina, Inej and Kaz all loved him, but something overcame him. Something that had been hibernating inside him waiting to be woken up chose right now.
“Matthias?” Wylan was following Kaz out into the hallway when he had an urge to set everything into motion, he turned around abruptly and walked back into his room, leaving Kaz standing there interestedly. “I have to give you an ultimatum, we’re running out of time. It’s fucked up that we’re timed but we’re leaving the dorms in a week and a half, and we were going to move in together.” He pointed a finger between himself and Matthias, and then behind him at Kaz.
Matthias opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it, not trying to interrupt Wylan. He’d never seen Wylan like this. He didn’t know what else to do but just stand at attention, waiting for Wylan’s final judgement. This was final, this was his last chance.
“Get your act together or you lose us, all of us. I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened, and everything about it bothered me, but this one thing,” Wylan spoke steady and clear, he didn’t have to rehearse his lines, this was his heart speaking. “You said you didn’t have a community and so you needed them, well what about the people who didn’t go? What about the teammates that were being made fun of? Being belittled? It sounds like there are people on your team, better people than the ones you picked, and they have a community.”
He realized he could have stopped there but he was just getting started, this was for Jesper, this was for all the girlfriends being mistreated, this was for the teammates being persecuted for being themselves.
Matthias sunk back into himself, shoulders rising with each needle-sharp word Wylan threw at him with devastating accuracy. Kaz was delighted, he stood up straighter with each breath Wylan took, hooked on the rush of Wylan intimidating a man that had to physically look down at him.
“You want it easy, and it’s not easy. Remaking yourself is not easy, put in the fucking work. I don’t want to be friends with you if you sacrifice others for comfort.” Wylan finished with one last sigh, and he felt surprised, but very light, when he realized he’d gotten it all out. “If you’re ready to own up and change, Jes has a track meet on Friday. He’s got the final say, so think of an apology worthy of Jesper’s time or don’t bother.”
“Okay.” Matthias finally said, when he was absolutely sure Wylan was done, it took two solid beats of silence for him to register he was being waited on.
He could hear his blood.
Embarrassed? Ashamed? Guilty? Defeated? Matthias couldn’t pick a single feeling, he could feel every vein in his body and Wylan had cut them all open and left him to patch up himself.
“Thank you.” It felt right to say, he watched his roommate cross the doorway, and it all felt so final.
Wylan gave him a nod, all out of words, and slowly closed the door behind him. He leaned back into the door for support, he hadn’t really been breathing throughout that whole thing, but he didn’t think it would have packed such a punch if he had been.
Jesper didn’t want to get kicked out of the library, so he left five minutes before they’d be forced to lock the doors and shoo him out. He also wanted to see his boyfriend faster and tell him all about the good job he’d done at studying, so he was rushing down the stairs and through the halls.
When he got to the building Wylan’s dorm was in, he sped around the corner and heard a familiar yet completely new sound. Jesper, quizzical and a little afraid, took one last right to get to Wylan’s hallway, and he saw Wylan neatly tucked against his door.
Jesper also saw Kaz Brekker, doubled over, laughing. This was enough to make Jesper come to a full stop, hands awkwardly flying to his phone. Was he supposed to call an ambulance? Kaz Brekker must be having a hysterical breakdown.
Kaz laughed like he hadn’t allowed himself to in years, he probably hadn’t. The dam had broken inside of him and the river was flooded, overwhelming and full of bottled up joy. He sounded like he used to, before he wanted to die, before he’d missed all the signs his brother was going to.
“Jes! I just, I just, I don’t know, I just ended Matthias.” Wylan was at a loss for words, he wore his own grin, giddy that he’d been brave and it tickled Kaz so badly that he couldn’t stop laughing if he wanted to. “Like, I think I broke his spirit.” Kaz threw his head backwards this time, the idea of Wylan Hendriks breaking Matthias Helvar’s spirit was too much for him.
Wylan pushed himself off of the door to close the distance between him and Jesper when Kaz was rightside up again, blinking the tiniest tears out of his eyes. An affectionate hand on the back of Wylan’s neck, brushing up into his hairs and ruffling them close to his scalp.
Kaz’s hand on Wylan’s neck. Kaz’s hand in his hair. Wylan snapped his attention from his boyfriend to his boyfriend’s roommate, who had a panic attack in an alleyway last time Wylan had accidentally touched him. Wylan’s eyes filled with tears before he could stop himself, and his hands uselessly flailed in front of him.
“I want to hug you so bad,” Wylan whispered like it pained him, he should be screaming it, he wanted a hug from one of his closest friends and he wanted everyone to understand this. “Can I hug you?” He couldn’t stop the grabby hands if he wanted to, and Kaz tutted, soft and adoring.
“Oh, but then I’d have to kill you, Hendriks.” Kaz’s hand shoved Wylan away as lightly as humanly possible, redirecting him in Jesper’s direction, and Wylan opened both arms impossibly wide for his boyfriend.
Jesper did not need to be asked or told twice, Kaz’s nod and Wylan rising on his toes was enough for him. In less than a second he’d gotten to Wylan and caught him in a tight hug, Wylan leapt into his arms and giggled. Jesper groaned, Wylan had quite the grip on him, this was a bone crushing hug. Wylan might’ve killed Kaz with this one.
“Good job, baby, God, you’re brilliant.” Jesper tried to put Wylan back down on the ground but he refused to go, not letting his feet touch the floor as he burrowed into Jesper’s neck. “Am I gonna get a rundown? Did you record it?”
“I didn’t have time, it was like I was in shock, medical shock.” Kaz shoved his hands into his pockets, he’d been shaking from the briefest of touches, but he was willing it to not bother him with all the strength he had left. “Your boyfriend’s been busy today.”
“What’s that mean?” Jesper wanted to know, finally Wylan was ready to walk, but he still demanded Jesper’s arm drape around his waist to keep them attached by the hip. “I feel like I missed everything, stupid studying, I wanna have fun…”
“It means he wants me.” Wylan stuck his tongue out at Kaz, this was payback for what he’d said earlier, Kaz rolled his eyes even better than Wylan had, Wylan had a lot to learn after all. “We are gonna have fun, it’s time to eat, I’m starving. I bet you did so good studying too.”
“Hehe…” Jesper looked down at the ground bashfully and Kaz scoffed.
“You people are so easy.” Kaz walked ahead of them, but not far enough that he could be seen and not be associated with them. It was clear as day that Kaz would be joining them for dinner. It was clear that it was Wylan, Jesper, and Kaz. The way it’d been for months, he just didn’t want to admit it. After Wylan’s dedication today, he didn’t mind so much, he might even be proud to admit it.
He might be.
…
“I don’t know how you can do this, my head hurts.” Nina sighed out, leaning against Wylan as she slumped down in the bleachers. They’d been at Jesper’s track meet all day, Wylan was in charge of directing everybody to which parts of the field they should be focusing their attention on. Jesper had just ran the 400m and won, resulting in Wylan and Nina screaming so loud they got judgemental stares from the people next to them.
Inej was just as excited but used all her energy to grab onto Nina’s shoulders and shake her. Her hand shot out to hold Nina’s fingers to stop her from flipping off a particularly angry grandmother. Kaz hadn’t cheered or shook anybody, but he smiled, joined in on the clapping, though less enthusiastically. What mattered was that he showed up.
“Imagine having to take pictures the whole time, and good pictures.” Wylan sat Nina down so she didn’t faint, she was overheated and her head hurt and she didn’t know how all these people were running around without dying like she was. “Water, is this your water, Kaz?”
“She can have it.” Kaz handed his water bottle over to Wylan, who unscrewed it and saw it had barely been drunk at all. He’d have to lecture Kaz on the importance of hydration later, Nina was the one melting and complaining about sticking to the bench under her.
“I can see Jes sweating from here, how the fuck is he still running? Talking?” Nina moaned miserably, she had been handed off to Inej, who was gently urging her to take small sips of water so she didn’t make herself sick instead.
“He’s really good, I knew he was good enough for a scholarship, but I guess I didn’t know what that meant.” Inej couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to go to a track event, she guessed she didn’t want to feel silly and not know anything, but since everybody was going she joined in.
“Fahey’s frustratingly resilient.” Kaz mumbled, he’d learned so much about his roommate that he wished he could unlearn, but his need to never quit really made an impact on him. Afterall, Jesper never once stopped trying to be Kaz’s friend, and maybe he’d won him over, just a little.
“He’s going to be so happy you said that.” Wylan whispered, combing Nina’s hair away from her face and pulling the claw clip out of his own curls. They fell around his face in an irritatingly perfect wave of redgold, and he twisted her long brown hair into a quick ponytail before securing it. “I’ve been telling you guys he’s good, nobody wants to listen to me.”
“You think he’s good at everything, you’re loveblind, you’re wearing rose-coloured glasses, you’re spellbound, babe.” Nina still had it in her to poke fun at everybody, even when she was gulping down mouthfuls of water and being fanned by a very helpful Inej.
“Yeah, but I’m not a liar.” Wylan dug in his tote bag for something Nina could eat, because they hadn’t been doing a lot of that. He found a packet of fruit snacks and held them out to her, Kaz took them before Nina could notice. Wylan stared at him as he opened it up neatly, picked out all the orange flavoured ones and then handed them to Nina. “I would’ve killed you if you took them all.”
“I bet, I’m shaking.” Kaz tilted his head back as he popped fruit gummies like they were pills, Wylan was so convinced he swallowed them whole until his jaw started moving. Only then did he look away, patting Nina’s leg supportively as she chewed on Kaz’s leftovers.
“I’ve been praying that it would all work out, you know.” Inej looked like she’d been waiting for the right time to bring it up, only to discover there wasn’t really a way to casually sprinkle this into a conversation.
“It all worked out, the five of us.” Nina said reassuringly, if they were all worried about the consequences of Jesper without Matthias, the runner up was Nina. It was an attraction to what she couldn’t have, shouldn’t have, fizzling in and out the more she thought about it. She tried not to think about it. “Less bedrooms, less rent, less groceries. I can’t imagine what that behemoth eats.”
“Behemoth at 9 o’clock.” Kaz hummed out, and Nina whipped her head around as Inej tried to keep her steady. Wylan frowned, peeking down and left to see Matthias standing underneath the bleachers, watching Jesper but not wanting to be seen.
“Oh, fuck off, who the fuck do you think you are?” Nina followed Wylan’s line of sight because if anyone would be able to translate Kaz Brekker it was Wylan, they’d gotten eerily close and she didn’t like it, not one bit. “We have time before the relay.” And she was up, like she wasn’t famished or parched or dying of heatstroke anymore. Nina evaded all her friends, marching down the bleachers to confront Matthias Helvar.
Jesper, in true Jesper fashion, had turned his head to see if Wylan was still paying attention to him, and saw him hurriedly climbing down the bleachers to follow a Nina with a mission. There was still time before the relay. He followed.
“I didn’t say to go to him.” Kaz wondered if he should regret all the fuzzy feelings and fondness now; they had him waddling down bleachers to stop Nina from getting kicked out of an outdoor university track event.
“You know we don’t listen.” Inej offered, she could’ve made her way down the bleachers faster than Nina or Wylan, but stayed behind anyways. Maybe this was enough to make Kaz reconsider the whole regret thing.
“Matthias-” Nina skidded to a full stop, making Wylan crash into her back and stumble backward into Inej’s expectant hands. They stood very still, peeking over each other’s shoulders. Of course Jesper was faster than them, and he’d gotten there first.
“I really don’t know why it took me so long to apologize or to make a choice,” Matthias was in the middle of a monologue when they arrived, Kaz frowned because it sounded like it was going to be a long one. “It should’ve been so easy, it shouldn’t have even been a choice.” He continued, his eyes never once leaving Jesper, who stood in front of him, chest heaving from the run over. “I was just scared, I’ve never had to be my own person before. I just wanted to tell you that I choose you, before I lose you. I’m so sorry, I choose you, if you’ll have me.”
Jesper glanced over Matthias, who he hadn’t seen in weeks, he seemed physically weighed down by it all. Worse for wear and haggard by the thought of losing Jesper, or Wylan, or Nina, or Inej, or Kaz, or all of them at once. Jesper swallowed the lump in his throat, losing any one of them would be enough to immobilize him, he wasn’t sure how Matthias had the strength or courage to show his face and take accountability.
“You came to my meet,” Jesper blinked at Matthias who had come all by himself, he didn’t know how or when he got here but he was here. Jesper wasn’t the hardest guy to please, he just needed effort, he needed reassurance, he needed to be treated like he was worth going the extra mile for. Here was Matthias, somehow here, somehow facing him and asking to be friends again. “You chose me?” He repeated, this part sounded too good to be true, that somebody would choose him over an entire group, a team.
“Yeah, I couldn’t miss it.” Matthias cleared his throat, somehow embarrassed, Wylan had told him to come by if he was ready to but he felt extremely vulnerable right now. The prying ears and eyes of his other estranged friends he wanted to win back made him more self-conscious. “It’s not worth it, they weren’t real friends, not to each other, not to me. You’re a real friend.”
“God, fuck, man.” Jesper usually had so much to say, but this was all getting a little bit too much for him, he nodded in lieu of words and took a step forward with his arms outstretched. “I really missed this, I didn’t want it to be over.” He sighed in relief when Matthias met him halfway and wrapped his arms around Jesper tightly.
Jesper could breathe properly for the first time in weeks, he’d managed to fix things, with the help of the others of course, with the help of Wylan. He took care of him in ways he wouldn’t even think of, stopping the friend group from falling apart was more than Jesper could even dream of someone doing for him.
Nina’s elbow jammed itself between Wylan’s ribs and he gasped, mostly in surprise, not in any real pain. She turned her head towards him but didn’t look away from Jesper and Matthias embracing.
“Is it just me or was that a little romantically charged?” Nina wondered if Jesper had been Matthias’ awakening, she wouldn’t blame him, that actually might fix the man.
“A little?” Kaz scratched at his eyebrow from where he stood a few feet away from the chaos. “He asked Jesper to have him.” He muttered and Nina snapped her fingers in agreement, he did say that didn’t he.
“Should I be worried and or bothered?” Wylan was thinking aloud, he really wasn’t, wondering if he had so much trust in Jesper it didn’t matter or if he didn’t mind if it was Matthias of all people.
“Less work for you, Neens.” Inej whispered, making Nina and Kaz laugh at the same time and then eye each other suspiciously. It was like they didn’t want to have the same sense of humour.
“Stop talking about whether or not Matty wants me and get over here.” Jesper had heard the whole thing but had other things to worry about, like hugging one of his closest friends after a few weird distant weeks.
Nina flung herself into the hug, pulling Wylan over who pulled Inej. They clumped together tightly, Wylan ducking under Matthias’ arm to squeeze himself between him and Jesper. Jesper looked elated to see him, leaning down to press a kiss to his smiling mouth.
“I don’t…” Matthias clarified, then worried he might have offended Jesper with his certainty and rejection. “I mean, you’re not not handsome.”
“The polycule’s back together.” Nina sang, leaning her head against Inej’s and closing her eyes as she let herself relax and bask in her friends all talking again. “Brekker, would you like a special invite?”
“Absolutely fucking not,” Kaz saw his friends huddled in a very crowded group hug and shuddered, it was both nothing personal and extremely personal. The thought of being anywhere in the equation did not do it for him. “Your relay’s starting, Fahey.”
“Oh, shit, be right back.” Jesper expertly untangled himself from all of his friends and then scooped Wylan into a firm, quick hug. He’d been his good luck charm for the past two years, he couldn’t not give him a squeeze before going to compete. “Love you, baby, you’re the best, make sure you watch me.”
“I’m always watching, I love you.” Wylan laughed breathlessly as Jesper blew him a kiss as he rushed back across the field, where teams were getting sorted and lining up. The last thing he wanted to do was fall out with his track team when he’d just got his friends back together.
“Hypothetically,” Nina hooked her arms with Inej and Matthias, even if the height difference was unbalanced and ridiculous, she did not care. “Brekker, if you were interested in the polycule. Are you going to be a part of Nina’s playthings, or Jesper’s lover boys?”
“I’m not even going to say I’m flattered because I’m actually repulsed by both ideas,” Kaz was back to walking in front of the group like he didn’t know anybody. He did not want to be associated with this. “You are both not my type.”
“You have a type?” Matthias hadn’t heard any tale of Kaz being interested in anybody, he thought it would headline the news, though he’d always been tricky and secretive.
“Want to be Matty’s experiment?” Nina wiggled her eyebrows and Kaz rolled his eyes so hard that it hurt Nina’s head thinking about it. “Wylan’s perfect pup? Inej’s loyal malewife?” He walked faster, trying to get out of earshot from Nina but he knew as soon as he’d done it he messed up. “Brekker likes the quiet ones, he likes the quiet ones!” She yelled, earning more stares from judgemental grandmothers.
“You are the loudest person on the fucking planet.” Kaz grumbled, which was to say if her theory was true, he didn’t like her at all. He did think he was being too nice to his friends, it was about time he reminded them they were all constantly on thin ice. Except Wylan and Inej. The thought made him sit as far away from them on the bleachers as he could. He hated these people.
“For someone so funny looking, he is not very funny.” Nina sighed loudly, plopping down on the bleachers and resting her head tiredly on Matthias’ shoulder. He relaxed under her touch, and she could have sighed again. Everything was so complicated, she just wanted everybody around, everybody to be okay. “I kissed Aidan.”
Kaz casually slid across the bleacher to get closer, for the sake of eavesdropping. Wylan went to move so Kaz could have more space, but when their shoulders brushed Kaz didn’t say anything, and Wylan kept still so Kaz could do what he wished with the moment.
Inej tucked herself into Wylan’s side, she didn’t know Nina was going to come clean, she felt jittery and unprepared. Wylan took her hand in his and she squeezed it tightly. This was either going to bring them closer or break them all up again.
“When’d you do that?” Matthias leaned his head on top of Nina’s, face scrunched up in confusion, trying to supply himself with a timeline. His teammate would have pulled him aside and told him by now, wouldn’t he? Or was Matthias so skittish around Nina that he wouldn’t have put two and two together?
“Before the party, so don’t get mad at Jes, he was defending me, at first.” Nina had felt horrible about the whole thing, a drunk kiss had blown out of proportion and become grounds to never see Matthias again. But maybe, just maybe they needed the time away from each other. It didn’t feel weird anymore, it didn’t feel like much of anything anymore. She felt like they were finally friends, it felt comfortable, peaceful.
“That’s why he stayed, not for me but for you.” Matthias would have thought Jesper wanted to leave the conversation much earlier than he actually did, but he was actively trying to fix something, and so was put through so much more than he signed up for. “He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met.”
“Me too, but don’t tell him I said that.” Nina shut her eyes tightly, everything was going to be okay, everything was actively okay. She just needed to pass the rest of her finals and move in with all her friends and stay out of trouble. “How long does it take to set up a relay race?”
“I never realized how long these meets went on.” Wylan admitted under his breath, he could pass the time quite easily watching Jesper in his element, he guessed his friends didn’t make it a habit to pass the time staring at his boyfriend.
“You’re very sweet.” Inej whispered back, Wylan would spend a whole day sitting on bleachers alone watching Jesper do something that made him happy, or he’d tell Matthias to fix things with Jesper because he couldn’t stand to see him so upset. “Can I be your best man? Best woman? At the wedding?”
“Oh.” Wylan flushed bright pink, his heart stammered to life in his chest and he found it hard to keep his focus on Jesper doing some last minute stretches. “I think you’re all going to be best men and women, best people…?”
“That’s cute,” Nina opened her eyes to see things finally going somewhere, and she sat up properly, clasping her hands together like she was praying. “It’s starting, thank fuck, I was beginning to plan my escape.”
“The fire exit on the northside of the building lets out right in front of the bus stop.” Kaz murmured helpfully, and Wylan watched him begin to stretch his leg out, running up and down the bleachers must have killed him a bit.
“Must you be the most difficult man alive? You expect me to know what the northside of a building I’ve only been to once is? And clock positions? You’re the oldest 19 year old I know.” Nina complained and complained until the runners bent down to get into position, and then she smacked Matthias on the chest a couple hundred times. “Oh my God, oh my God, wow, 856 in the blue is hot.”
“Jesper first, flirt later.” Wylan reminded his best friend, and she gave him a halfhearted thumbs up, nearly sticking her fist out and hitting Matthias if he didn’t lean out of the way. Kaz chuckled under his breath, his leg had been pressed against Wylan’s the whole time and he hadn’t said anything. Wylan nibbled at his bottom lip, everything was changing, everything was getting better.
Two semesters ago Wylan had moved across the country with nothing but the love of his life and debilitating anxiety. A year ago he didn’t even know who Nina, Inej, Kaz or Matthias were, and now he was planning their places in his wedding.
Everything that threatened to break the gravity between them only made it stronger, only pulled them tighter and made them a wonder within the cosmos. Six people, brought together by fate or something bigger, something universally inevitable.
Tied together by disappointing their parents, except Inej who was a delight. Six people who only had friends in each other and so were stuck. Six traumatized freaks. Six people trying to get better. Five people who liked Wylan, the irrefutable glue friend. Five people who liked Inej, who liked Jesper, who liked Nina, who liked Matthias, who liked Kaz.
Whatever it was that wove them all together, there was a lifetime of thankfulness ahead because of it. Mysterious and wonderful and delicate, the six of them were meant to find each other, to make it through everything the universe threw at them.
They needed each other, helped each other, gave purpose to each other. They were all stars the others wished upon, begging to be seen, understood, loved. There was as much love as there were stars in the Milky Way, more than anybody knew what to do with.
Hundreds of billions of love filled stars, and still, everyday it grew.