Chapter Text
The silence was deafening and made Castiel's skin crawl. He didn't know what to say or what to do and neither did Chuck. While capable of holding their own in most social situations, now that they were alone, things had gotten awkward.
Castiel looked up at the man sitting next to him and smiled politely. Chuck was smiling as well.
What does that mean? Should I do something? Cas thought as he sat there. He broke the silence with, "Want to watch an episode of Arrested Development?"
"Sure." Cas turned to the computer and began pulling up the show on Netflix, happy to have something to do to ease the tension between them.
Despite the awkwardness, Cas was thrilled to have Chuck here in his apartment and sitting on his couch. There was just something about him that was exciting. He had had a crush on Chuck since the very first day he had started working at Lawrence Ads, an advertising agency in the exciting town of Lawrence, Kansas.
They had been hanging out more lately, sometimes with a group of friends and sometimes alone at Castiel's apartment. Tonight was Valentine's Day and here they were, sitting on Castiel's couch.
The night's events had been Castiel's idea. During lunch, his co-workers were all complaining about not having dates for Valentine's Day, and Cas suggested that they all go see a movie together. It sure beats hanging out home alone on the loneliest night of the year. They had agreed. Of course, this was Cas's way of going to Valentine's Day with Chuck without having to actually ask him out.
In truth, he was head over heels for the guy, and Chuck seemed to be returning the feelings, but neither of them would admit that to one another. Castiel hated his inability to really judge human behavior and lamented even more that Chuck seemed to share the exact same trait. This had led to many awkward nights on the couch together watching random TV and talking about their lives. But Cas hoped tonight would be different. It was Valentine's Day after all. But he wasn't going to make the first move.
During the show, Chuck laid down and put his head on Cas's lap. Cas's heart jumped. Progress. Cas tepidly laid his hand on Chuck's arm, testing the waters. Chuck didn't respond to the gesture. Is that good or bad? He'd react if he didn't want my hand there, right?
The show continued. At the end of the episode, Chuck looked up at him. "Want to watch another one?" He asked.
"Sure," Cas responded enthusiastically, trying not to sound as scared as he was feeling. He gave Chuck a timid smile.
"You know, you'd probably be more comfortable if you were laying down. Want to switch positions?"
Cas's heart jumped again. "There should be enough room on this couch for both of us to lay down," he stated matter-of-factly. Yes, there was room, but they'd have to lie very close together.
"True." Chuck sat up to let Cas out from under his head, placed a pillow where Cas was sitting, and then laid back down. Cas moved to lie down in front of him.
Breathe, Cas. Breathe. He didn't focus much on the next episode of the show. He was too busy trying to make his breathing sound normal so Chuck wouldn't think he was hyperventilating or anything silly like that. Before he knew it, the episode was over.
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, but was probably just about a minute. Then Cas spoke up. "That was a good episode."
"Yeah. It was."
More silence.
Chuck ended up being the one to break the silence this time. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?"
Castiel nodded almost a bit too enthusiastically. "I'd really like that."
Then they were kissing and hands began to roam timidly over each other's bodies. The kisses became more frantic as they continued to get more and more comfortable with each other, but Cas let Chuck lead. He hadn't been with a guy since college and wasn’t sure how this was suppose to proceed.
Castiel had never really been a natural at sex. People had told him that his body should know what to do, but his didn't seem to have come with that innate knowledge. His view of porn wasn't as entertainment but education. He would watch in order to see what other people do in these intimate moments. (There was one in particular involving a pizza man...) His typical plan was to let the other person lead and he'd just copy their movements or follow their directions. It had worked pretty well up to this point.
All of a sudden, Chuck flipped them so Cas was on top. Then he just lay there looking up expectantly. Crap. He just gave me the lead. Crap.
He leaned down and kissed Chuck but didn't move. Chuck kissed back but also gave him an 'Aren't you going to do something' look. Cas stopped the kisses and sat up, looking ashamed.
"I'm sorry. I'm really inexperienced at this. I've never been on top before." He blushed as he admitted that. He leaned down to kiss Chuck again before he had a chance to say anything in the hope that he'll just take the lead.
Chuck kissed back but still didn't move. Cas decided to try to grind against him, but soon realized that while he was hard, Chuck, well, wasn't. His face must have given his thoughts away because Chuck shrugged and turned them over so that they were side by side and wrapped his arms around Cas. "I'm just not feeling it tonight. Sorry."
Cas's spirit just sank. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? He wanted to ask but just didn't have the courage. "Sorry that I suck in bed."
Chuck just held him for a few minutes before getting up. "I should probably go." Then he was gone. No hug like they normally do. Nothing.
Cas's stomach churned and he felt like he was going to be sick. Why me? Why do I have to be so bad at this?
######
The next day at work felt awkward. Even more than it normally did.
Chuck avoided Cas all day and even skipped the group lunch that they went to every day. He seemed to be making himself clear. He wasn't going to be hanging out with Cas anymore... At least for a little while.
Cas threw himself into his work. He had been working at Lawrence Ads for about a year and a half at this point and had risen to being one of their top creatives. He was regularly flown all over the country to meet with the company executives that hired his firm.
Lawrence Ads specialized in helping the small to medium companies compete against the big guys and had used their own marketing as a case study to prove that they could do just that. This was how a small advertising firm in Lawrence, Kansas had clients all over the US and even a few in Canada.
Cas's job was to work with new clients, meeting with the executives of the company and making a plan for their first advertising campaign. Then the client moved over the the ad team to make the campaign actually happen.
Cas was good at his job and it paid him a nice salary, but there were definitely times when it was boring. And on top of that, he was getting really tired of Lawrence. It was a nice town, but he had been here for the last 10 years, ever since graduating from the University of Kansas with degrees in Marketing and Psychology.
Everywhere he turned in Lawrence reminded him of times and people that he didn't want to be reminded of. There was the park that Meg used to take him to. There was the restaurant where Meg had gotten drunk on their anniversary. There was the neighborhood where they had lived together.
Meg had been the only person he had ever loved deeply. He had been convinced that they were going to get married and live the rest of their lives together. He was just working up the courage and figuring out the right time to ask.
But Meg made her decision before he had a chance to make his. He still had nightmares about their last day together.
They woke up snuggled in bed together. Meg was holding onto him extra tight. He woke up happy in her arms. But after they got out of bed, he knew something was bothering her. She seemed distant and lost in thought.
"I'm going to take a shower," she said and went off to the bathroom, leaving him to finish his breakfast.
He finished eating quickly and decided to go surprise her in the shower. When he opened the curtain to look in, she turned and blew him an air kiss. Meg, the woman who had refused to air kiss because it was too childish, blew him an air kiss.
His stomach sank and he knew. He wouldn't admit it, but it was that moment that he knew.
That day at work had been rough, but he wasn't surprised when he got the email at the end of the day.
Castiel,
When I get home from work today, we should talk.
- Meg
She broke up with him as soon as she walked in the door.
######
Castiel had been shattered that night. Broken up into a million pieces. It took weeks for him to be able to make it through the day without crying. It was even longer before he could go a day without thinking about her.
They had found their way back in bed together one night after having lunch in a vain attempt at staying friends, but it had been weird and just made Cas hurt even more. He knew that he had to get over her.
That's when April had entered the picture. April had never been that attractive to Cas, but they had hung out in the same group of people and were around each other a lot. Cas, despite being attracted to both genders, tended to gravitate towards women socially after a short failed relationship with a man in college. But if he was honest with himself, most women just didn't appeal to him as much as men did. They felt safe to be around. Well, except for Meg.
April had obviously had a crush on Cas, and Cas had let himself go along with it. He even had convinced himself that it might actually work despite the feeling that the relationship was wrong.
Things had gone downhill quickly when he wouldn't stop talking about Meg. Finally one night, Cas snapped when April had made a comment about a purchase he had made.
"When we get married, that's going to be my money, too, and you can't go around spending it on stuff like that."
He didn't know if it was the idea of marrying April or the idea of his money being hers or even the lack of freedom to spend HIS money how HE wanted to, but that comment had broken all attachment to April that he felt. And while they didn't break up immediately, their relationship had ended soon after that.
Despite the disaster that had been his relationship with April, it had been what he needed to get him past Meg. Chuck had been the first person that he had developed feelings for where those feelings weren't overshadowed by his repressed feelings for Meg. He really liked this guy, and he had ruined it because he was shy and passive.
There was a part of himself that hated his passiveness and his inability to interact well in social situations. He could do reasonably well in casual conversations. He had long ago mapped out most normal human interactions into scripts in his mind. Back in high school, he had trouble with the scripts getting mixed up such that he'd respond "Good" when someone would ask him "What's up?" But over the years, he had gotten better at it.
Unfortunately, that stopped in the intimate situations. He was just too inexperienced to come up with reliable maps. Why can't I be like everyone else and just know this stuff?
######
He gave Chuck a week to move past that night before trying to contact him. Luckily, Chuck's birthday was a week later and that gave Cas just the excuse that he needed to send him a text.
To Chuck: Happy Birthday! Got any fun plans?
The reply came only a minute later.
From Chuck: Thanks. :) Not much. I'm trying to figure out what to do.
He wasn't sure if this was an opening or not, but he decided to take the chance.
To Chuck: Cool. I hope you have a great day. If you'd like to hang out with me, I'd be happy to join you to celebrate.
He sat his phone down and waited for the buzz that indicated a return reply. None came.
Maybe he had gotten distracted? Surely he'll reply. An hour later, there was still no reply, and Cas accepted that he had been blown off with the help of four bottles of Modelo beer.
He called his best friend Charlie. He didn't want to be alone right now, and Charlie was the only person that he could talk to about this stuff. They had met in college. He had been in the relationship with a guy and she was dating a girl, which meant they didn't have to worry about sexual tension building up between them. Technically, they had kissed once, but it was for educational purposes only. Cas hadn't been comfortable kissing and wanted to learn and Charlie had never kissed a guy before. Have to try everything once, right?
"Yo, Bitch. What's up?" Charlie's voice poured through the phone on the second ring. Charlie was always chirpy. That was one thing Cas loved about her. Just hearing her voice made him feel a little bit better.
Cas paused for a second before responding. "I'm giving up."
"Cas?! What's the matter? Are you drunk?" Charlie could obviously hear the despair (and the alcohol) in Cas's voice.
"I gave him one more chance, but it's clear that I'm being blown off. And I found a liquor store. And I drank it." Cas slurred out the word. He had never been very good at holding his alcohol.
"You mean Chuck? He's an ass and you deserve better. It's good to give up on him. Forget about that loser. You'll find someone better soon."
"But I just don't know how much more I can take of this. This town reminds me of Meg. This job makes me want to die of boredom. You were the only good thing about this town and you had to go and move all the way to Kansas City. That's so far away!"
"If you hate it so much, why are you staying?" Charlie always did have the voice of reason when his mind was going a million miles a minute down a dead-end road.
Cas stopped at that question and thought for a moment. There was absolutely no reason for him to be here. He felt like he had to for work, but he didn't. Not really. He was gone so much anyway.
"Charlie, I want to go home."