Chapter Text
She had decided, or something universal had, that she needed to see the stars.
She needed to feel small and trivial and inconsequential in a vast grand where she would feel like nothing in comparison.
Because she was just too tired of feeling too much.
She darted to the Astronomy Tower close to autopilot. It was too loud inside her head, and it was taking all her vision space.
Pain, she had come to understand, did not have an agenda or a clear schedule. It came in waves and almost always took her off guard. Either mornings that felt too hard to get up, or a sudden memory that came rushing through the wind and knocked her off balance.
It had rained all day, and for some reason it had been harder than usual to see the romance in it. To feel tucked by it with a book in her armchair.
She just felt grey and distant from the warm an otherwise sun would welcome her.
For the same some reason, on that rainy afternoon of the first Saturday of December 1976, alone in her bedroom in what felt like a silent and hollow castle, she remembered her once best buddy and first love of her life - her childhood dog named chicken.
She had named him herself and, even though Petunia had not approved of it by the time they first got it, by then she still loved her enough to oblige to her ridiculous wish of calling him her favourite thing in the world - which, by the time she was five it had incidentally been chicken.
He had always been there when she would crawl up onto the sofa, crouch with her big edition of Peter Pan and she would make him sit down while she (attempted to) read to him. The smile that memory brought came accompanied with a hard not on her throat.
She missed him now. She missed him every day to be fair - that kind of love stays with you and there has always been a before and after Lily since her dog passed. She had never really talked a lot about it with anyone when it happened because by then, her father had already died almost a year prior. The pain she felt was very real and the thought alone of imagining tryingto explain it to someone who knew the loss she had already endured before, ridiculous she thought.
The pain remained, nevertheless.
In the years that passed, she came to understand that everyone's pain is different when losing someone - a person alone is a whole universe of variables, a relationship between two people is too infinite to be able to compare.
With a dog however, she felt there was a common understanding among everyone who had lost their innocent companion. Because every dog is the best dog, the best friend, the best soul to have ever stolen a smile from us when we least feel like it. That thought both soothed her and crushed her. Because either way, with empathy or lack of, she didn't have those lovable eyes and softest little snout to cuddle with and make her feel safe anymore.
She didn't have her sister either, or her once best friend Severus. Her father, whom she was so used to preventing from invading her mind, came creeping with such a demand, almost sensing her vulnerability, which made her unable to shut it out, and settling in her heart and soul for the overtime.
More recently, she had also lost the closest thing to a dog soul a person could have - Sam, like chicken she thought, had always seen her with those puppy eyes where no mistake you could make, would be wrong enough to make them not love you, not see the best in you.
Once upon a time, she might have given in to some defiant tasks, some third-party problem or life and not let herself sink within this melancholy. However, she had come to decide to try and feel whatever inside of her demanded her to feel.
She knew that what came ahead was not for the faint hearted. She would want to be there, side by side, with those she loved and loved her back and for that, she needed to have an emotional intelligence and range, close to the young adult she was hopefully becoming.
But that was not an easy journey to embark. It meant days of waking up and understanding her body would take a huge effort to simply brush her teeth. But it also meant great gratitude for the laughs shared with her friends, a better sense of perspective with who she was and what her achievements represented, what other people thought of her and who she hoped one day to become.
A high price to pay just to smell the roses some would say but depends on how much you love the roses she kept reminding. And she loved them completely.
So, as it came to be sort of a haven, she came to gaze at the stars and prettiest moon of all the planets. And, almost immediately, it had a wakening effect on her.
As she laid down on the wooden floor, with all that far-reaching and limitless above her, it rescued her from her own mind. She thought of her ancestors, magical and non-magical, who once all had pain of their own and problems and now all looked down at her, whispering through the night breeze that everything would be alright. Reminding her that greater and more essential pillars sustained her and that someone out there was rooting for her. And even though they were proud that she had come so far, they knew she could go further.
She let herself close her eyes and cry the rest of the tears she still had to shed, welcoming them and the pain that accompanied with less of that hollow feeling, and more of a sense of nostalgic love. She thought of those she missed, even if they had wronged her, and sent love and light to them. She thanked what they had taught her and accepted how their paths had parted. She knew this was a ritual she had done before and would still have to do for times to come. But every time she did, it felt like getting closer and closer to closure, even if some days it still felt so far off.
She stayed there, looking up and balancing her head along with the rotation of this big rock floating in space, while humming to "Let it Be" by her beloved Paul.
She sensed someone coming but didn't feel like getting up and pretending. Vulnerability was one of her new resolutions after all. Or maybe she just couldn't care less what anyone would think of her anymore. She was just stardust anyhow.
'Evans?'
She stretched her neck up seeing a James Potter standing upside down. She smiled knowingly.
'Hi.'
He walked in sitting down beside her, just slightly inclined on his hands behind him and she returned to her position of wander.
'Trying to abuse your Head Girl benefits there?' he asked.
She shrugged before responding. 'Almost seven years of good girl badge, how poetic to go down over a bit of daydreaming and stargazing?' He squinted at her but accepted it.
'Mind if I join then? Show you around this life of crime you've chosen.' She wrinkled her nose defiantly as he laid down next to her.
The warmth he felt inside was a standard rush whenever he was this close to her lately. Truthfully it had been there whenever she even looked at him since always. But it had become harder and harder to not wish it as a constant.
'Any comet I should keep an eye out for?' he asked.
She smiled mischievously before closing one eye and pointing up theatrically 'Second star to the right and then straight on 'till morning'.
He looked at where she was pointing and squinted.
'Oh yeah…' he said to nowhere in particular and she held a laugh. "'What you doing here anyway?'
She shifted her posture a bit before responding 'Just... needed some perspective, I think.'
'On what?'
'Just... life. Everything and nothing. In here everything seems to gain a new perspective. The big things don't seem as big which makes room for the smaller ones to reveal their true gravity.
A small pause before:
'Interesting. Remind me to suggest Padfoot to come here for some privacy. He could use some of that size perspective.'
She didn't need to look at him to know he had a grin on, and she rolled her eyes, but had one on herself.
'You ruin everything.'
He laughed. 'Oh come now Snaps, don't tell me you believe in all those astronomical horological shenanigans.'
'I've always been spiritual; you know that I cannot not be. And it has always amazed me how wizards with so much fascination around, could be so skeptical about it.' She accused him but swiftly softened.
'You're telling me you don't ever wonder what's out there? What's the meaning of all of this?' She asked, gesturing to the wondrous above them.
He shrugged casually but enjoying hearing her talk.
'Meh, plenty of magic and secrecy around here already to try and explore what's out there.'
She assented but suddenly, gasping, a thought struck her that she couldn't believe it had never crossed her mind before. She turned her neck to him.
'Do you know if any wizard has ever gone to the moon?' She asked earnestly.
He joined his eyebrows and asked candidly:
'Apparating to the moon you mean? Hum, I guess maybe... for trying to get more accurate prophecies or something, perhaps...'
There was a pause as her face lit up looking at a calculating James looking above. She let out the biggest and sincerest laugh, having to cover her mouth.
'What?' He asked looking at her surprised but not bothered to be joked at since her light was most welcomed.
'Nothing' she said still between lighter laughs 'thank you for that.' She said sincerely and decided then that she would prefer not to search for the real answer and just keep this memory untouched.
Calmed now but still smiling, she looked at him and he was looking back, peaceful. Both laying with their backs down and necks rolled to one another. Warm.
He looked at her features. They were quite close now and for that reason, James felt like talking softly as to not disturb the energy that swirled in the small space between them. He swallowed to focus himself before asking 'Honestly though, Lily… you alright?'
She pressed her lips thinking for a moment, then shook her head ever so slightly.
'Wanna talk about it?' he asked.
She turned her body to him now, putting her hand below her cheek to upheld it from the floor and started saying close to a whisper.
'I think I've just been trying to adjust; you know. I feel like we need to prepare for something, and I just want to make sure I'm as resolved as possible with... past-Lily, I guess. Whatever that is to come... we don't know what we'll face, what our choices will be, who we will be in the face of it all and I-... I think I just don't want to lose myself in the meantime. While at the same time, hoping to be the strongest I've ever been.' She said and rolled her eyes dismissively. 'Whatever that means.'
He turned himself too, tucking his whole lower arm beneath his head and paying closer attention. There was them, there, in this small space that belonged only to the two, and then there was the rest of the universe left.
'I think I am kind.' She paused, thinking James might make a smart remark there but there was just his attentive self and a faint of a smile, agreeing with her, she thought. 'Well, will I be kind to someone who hates my very existence so much he would not think twice before murdering me?'
James clenched his jaw at the thought.
'I am not stupid' she continued 'my kindness is not blinding James, I know but-' her free hand was now picking at a wooden barb on the floor they were laying. 'I just wish there was a way of making sure, you know. That I will still be me, I mean, through it all. Until the end.'
He brought his own free hand up and laid it so close to hers, their skin brushing ever so softly on one another. 'Well, if you don't have faith in your kindness…" he started, "have it on your stubbornness then.' He looked at her with a smirk already expecting the squint on her face. 'For all the years I have known you, you have been consistently and aggravatingly yourself.
Believe me, I tried to change it and bend it and corrupt it' she laughed softly, and his heart settled a little at the heaviness of the previous topic 'and there is no changing you. You are unapologetically yourself. You couldn't be anyone else even if you tried.' Her green eyes were wide, and the smile James was convinced was now becoming something reserved just for him, was right there. 'And I wish you wouldn't try changing it. The world would be much darker without your authentic self in it, Lily Evans.'
Lily had given into the fact that she fancied James a long ago. It was a lost battle before she was even aware she was fighting it. But now, laying here, having had moments like these for the past couple of weeks - maybe months - hearing him even say her name... she accepted her defeat was so far beyond that childish feeling. She had fallen. Deeply and completely.
And maybe one day, somewhere in a world where death was not so imminent, this might have been the perfect moment for her pain to lessen and let herself risk diving into close happiness. But somewhere far in the forest nearby, a wolf howled, and she was reminded that it wasn't such a life and time.
'But that's the thing, isn't it?' she asked, still whispering. 'I'm actually always trying. To be good, to be fair and just. To be balanced and reliable. To be a good friend...' she stopped to look down at his hand closer still 'even if that means at the expense of some hard stomach punches.' She smiled weakly and looked up again at him.
James wrongly thought she was referring to Snape and slightly retracted his hand reflectively, regretting it immediately for he saw he had hurt her somehow.
She breathed in deeply and turned up again, to look at the sky instead of him. 'So, I come here to find honesty in all of it. To pardon my past, myself and... everyone, I guess. So, I don't need to constantly try to be all of those things and just truly... be it.'
James then sat back to look her in the eyes again, still inclined on his upper arms, reluctant to lose the moment and hoping he hadn't just burst the bubble they had created just a moment earlier.
'For what it's worth,' he said 'I believe that if you were able to pardon me after the royal prick I was...' She smiled at him 'then you've already proven enough that you're not only all of that, but so much more.'
Her chest grew heavy and no number of stars in the sky could pull her from the static of this very moment.
Something had changed. He could feel it and even the memory of that fateful summer night all those months ago couldn't dissuade him that this right here, was incomparable. And for a second, they stared at each other, both hoping to read some sign of certainty of their deepest wishes, blinded by past doubt and grief.
James had made his decision and would wait no longer. He would lie closer to her, hold her face and-
He would, except that same second Sirius came bursting in the Astronomy tower, waking them both from their trance.
'Oi Prongs, you he-' Sirius shouted then realizing the scene in front of him 'Hi children.' Smirking. 'Sorry mate, thought you were alone. Smoking or something.'
Lily stretched her neck once again seeing a rather tipsy Sirius, upside down.
'Hi Sirius' she smiled.
'Hi there, Evans. Did Prongs kidnap you here or something?' James rolled his eyes.
'I lured him here actually' played Lily taking James off guard 'trying to get a hold of that generational Potter wealth' she raised her eyebrows up and down to the marauder.
He smirked. 'What do you want, Padfoot?' But Sirius was smiling knowingly at the scene, before remembering:
'Wormtail is smashed.' He said factually.
'What? How?' James asked.
'You see Prongs, when a man loves a bottle very much, they get together and-' Lily laughed.
'Padfoot'
'Okay, I dared him.'
'Why?'
'Because he kept saying he could be my new drinking buddy, that he could drink as much as you! You Prongs, I was defending your honor.'
'Padfoot.'
'Okay, he mentioned it once and I challenged him right away.'
Lily put her hands in her face and James was trying to stay mad at Sirius for interrupting, but she was at such ease, it was hard.
'Sirius you have magic. You're telling me you can't control a drunken Wormtail.'
'You would think so, right?' With still only his upper body visible from the stairs, he leaned on the wall wonderingly. 'However, drunk Wormtail has some moves and cool spells going on, I'm telling you there's plenty we don't know about our toothy friend there.' A loud crash was heard from the end of the staircase along with Remus' complaint 'Wormtail I swear to Merlin-' A pause.
'So, what you kids doing here any who?' asked Sirius conversational.
James sighed. 'I should go.'
'Yeah, I think you should.' Lily said to him. 'I might come by the Common Room in a bit too, just finishing my secrets with the moon.'
He nodded and felt like saying something but just took one last look at her and got up. 'Alright then. Just don't get too near the window for too long or people will think the tower is on fire.'
Lily smiled. 'Got it, 'cause I'm so hot, right?'
James laughed, pushing Sirius to walk down 'Keep telling yourself that, Snaps.'
A moment passed before Lily remembered her most recent 'more honesty' resolution.
'James?' She sat up straight, hoping he had heard her in time.
He did.
'Missed me already?' He popped up and she smiled.
'Thank you...' she started. For somehow becoming the one person I am constantly wishing was by my side. For being so incredibly different from me that I feel balanced. For challenging me, for growing with me, for making me feel alive. '...for being a friend.' She concluded.
You see, it takes seven long years of education but the thing about spells is that, when done properly, what you send out, is what the recipient will get. No more, no less. Magic has its wanders.
For words however, you keep on learning your entire life and still sometimes, they have greater power than ancient wizardry. And from a place to another, words can shift and reshape and adapt and trick you. And the intention it has when it's sent out, isn't always received the same.
This was such a case.
That is why James took a step down on the staircase, so much had that word's intention had shaped into his own personal demons. He smirked no less.
'Sure Evans, anytime.'
("Mystery of Love")
'Wormtail,' James called out.
'Prongs!' The shorter marauder turned around, thrillingly surprised to see his mate. As he raised his arms to welcome him, Remus got the chance to use the expelliarmus charm just as James had wordlessly cast the dangling jinx on him.
'Ten galleons' James told Sirius before starting through the hall, heading to the common room. 'Hey there Moony.'
'Evening Prongs, thank you for that. Remind me tomorrow to ask Peter where he's been learning all this magic.' He was looking at his friend's stolen wand. 'Wondering if he's already been preparing for this year's N.E.W.T.s...' But there was doubt in his voice as he talked mostly to himself.
His friends ignored him, however, for different reasons.
'Not sure if that counts as just one word though mate, I know for a fact you shouted at least another in that brain of yours.' Sirius taunted.
'I handled it with just one spoken word, that was the deal.' He said as he ignored his soaring friend trying to catch his robes. 'If our unspoken words ever counted, we lot would have been expelled from this place a long time ago.'
Sirius sneered but noticed his friend was not entirely present.
'What's the matter? You practically just had a date with Evans back there and you're looking as if Wormtail vomited on youinstead of Moony.'
'You had a date with Evans?!' Peter half shouted enthusiastically from above. 'I like her.'
James looked at Remus quizzically.
'Don't ask.' He responded.
'Don't tell.' He turned back 'And you don't wanna know, Padfoot.'
'Foxtrot.' Remus said to the drowsy lady sullenly opening the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room.
'You should all be in bed a long time ago, one of these days I will not open up I'm ser-' she mumbled as the three sober- well, soberer Marauders struggled to take their unbearable floating friend inside.
'Course I do. What, are you mad? You can tell me everything.' Sirius pressed on.
James was settling Peter into the sofa with Remus' help while Sirius sat in one of the armchairs.
'Yeah, you can tell us everything Prongs, we're your best mates.' Peter said, laying back unsuccessfully trying to look casual.
James sighed and sat down in the opposite armchair.
'Just more of the same I guess' He paused before giving in not sure if or what he would admit out loud. '...just feel like I'm right back where I was with Evans a couple of months ago. Before Carlotta, before Sam, before my try and fail attempt to...'
He stopped himself but Remus completed.
'Forget her.'
James grimaced but didn't deny.
'Ugh!, I can't believe I'm at this place again' he messed up his hair as he got up exasperated, his friends looking up at him except for Peter who had dozed off.
'W-what's the point of all of this, really? With all this magic and enchantment around us, what's the point of me wanting her. She wanting… well, whatever the bloody hell it is that she wants...' He sounded tired. 'What's the point?'
Sirius looked at Remus who stared back knowingly.
'Mate, what are you talking about, look at what you two have been through! This is nothing like it was back then.'
James dismissed his friend.
'He's right Prongs, everyone can see it. A lot has changed.' Remus supported and James paused for a second, looking at the marauders with the light from the fireplace coming, before shaking his head.
'Stop.'
'Mate-'
'Stop it!' And at this, Peter woke up. 'Enough already. Nothing's changed, nothing. Everything is the same as it was a year ago, and the year before and that's how it will be.' He lowered his voice. 'That's how it will always be like...'
Before any of them could say anything, Peter got up in a bulky way.
'Yes!' He shouted. 'Yes, let's all stay the same ex-exactly like a year ago!' he was gesticulating clumsily and dragging his words. 'N-none of that graduating and-and-and moving on and saying goodbye stuff' James sighed helping Remus to take his friend back.
'We can stay like this, Prongs' he stumbled to his friend, still mumbling. 'Hexing around a-and pulling pranks on kids.'
He was pretending to punch James' stomach, but the realization of his past self was making the taller marauder feel uncomfortable. So, he just focused on putting his friend back without using magic again.
'Sure thing, mate.' James retorted indifferently.
'I would've guessed you couldn't wait to hit puberty Wormtail, you sure you don't want to grow up?' asked a playful Sirius.
Peter shot him the middle finger which surprised Sirius, making him laugh.
'It could be just the four of us, you know?' Peter continued as James had just sat him down and nodded along.
Peter looked at his friend's face, noticing his bleakness. 'Well, actually Lily could join you know, since she fancies you now and-' this took James off guard, joining his eyebrows, 'then you could focus more on our adventures than on your plans to get her!'
James didn't notice but Sirius shot a wide-eyed look at Remus waiting for any hint of what to do. But Remus was equally frozen, listening.
'Lily doesn't fancy me Wormtail,' James tried to sound casual at his mate's delirium while pushing his head back on the couch, 'that at least stays the same.'
'Yeah, she does. She told us.' Peter said before starting to close his eyes again.
'What?' James asked, staring at Peter but the smaller of the group was off again. 'Oi,' he said louder, slapping his friend's face with the back of his hand to wake him up again.
'Okay, okay,' Remus stood up, holding his friend's arm, stepping him away from a knocked-out Peter. 'Let him be.'
'What does he mean "she told us"?' James joked it off, attempting a nonchalant tone but with a hint of panic in his voice.
Remus sighed, taking one quick look at Sirius who was completely absorbed at the scene. 'Alright, I think you ought to know by now.' He started calmly. 'We'll talk but you have to promise-'
'Because she did.' A very wide-eyed Sirius almost shouted from the other side of the room and both James and Remus turned to him, with very different postures.
'What?' James asked softly. What started as a joke, was now shifting into serious matters.
'Padfoot,' Remus started.
'We promised that we wouldn't tell Moony, not that we would lie.' Sirius delivered plainly sober, and Remus breathed in, impotent, assenting.
'Tell what?' James' eyes were darting his impatience, as was his voice rising.
Sirius sighed. 'She fancies you, mate. She told us a couple of months ago.'
James blinked his eyes several times trying to ask 'what' again.
'It's true, James.' Remus continued. 'And from our understanding her feelings haven't changed.'
Sirius chuckled, crossing his arms. 'Please, I'd say she's worse than you, mate.'
James felt dizzy looking down trying to steady himself and running his hand through his thick hair. 'Wha-wha... I mean h-how...'
'We asked her, actually.' Sirius continued, now feeling lighter since he was enjoying finally being able to talk about this and sat back again. 'It was too bloody obvious, so we just went ahead and asked her.'
James snapped at this and gave two steps closer. 'Obvious to who?'
'Everyone mate, you were the one too occupied at snogging Carlotta to even see it.'
Remus sensing the escalating tension, stepped in. 'You made sure to convince everyone you were happy Prongs. That being with Carlota was what you wanted.'
James shook his head. 'Regardless. You're my best mates, you should have told me'' James stepped closer, holding the back of the sofa, needing to release energy on something.
'Well, you convinced her,' Sirius stepped in, 'and she made us promise.' He concluded and this sentence alone had so much to undone James that he practically shouted.
'You're my best mates!'
Someone had just entered the common room and James swallowed dryly but wouldn't change his posture, to make sure everyone understood this conversation was not over.
'Hello everyone' Lily's voice came from behind James, walking closer next to him.
'Sirius, great, you're still here. I wanted to talk to you about your experience when you're a' she whispered this last part 'a dog… Do your instincts of being the most amiable creature soften you up enough to, oh let's say, cuddle up in a particular lap occasionally. Or does your nasty nature prevail above it all?' She chuckled looking at her side to a stiffed James, expecting him to join in the joke. But he didn't.
'Hum…' started Sirius looking at his best mate.
There was a pause and the redhead looked around.
'Sorry,' she said softly, noticing the tension. 'Didn't mean to interrupt. I can go head up to bed...' she eyed James for a second, expecting. His hands were gripping the couch tightly. 'Hum, have a nice evening boys-'
'You fancy me?' James asked, turning abruptly towards her, staring severely.
She looked at him, holding her breath and feeling as if she had just missed a step from a staircase, standing in those eternal seconds waiting for the fall to come.
'You fancy me?' he asked again, slower but with the same tone.
Lily's heart was racing so fast, she couldn't think straight.
'W-what?' the softest voice came from her, and he almost bent.
'Prongs,' Remus started and Lily looked at him in panic, looking for rescue. This only reminded James of the betrayal he felt.
'Don't look at them.' He continued. 'Tell me the truth.'
She swallowed drily and, staring into his dark eyes, the kind she has come to find comfort so many times, she found her voice again. She wasn't scared.
'Yes.'
Still soft, but no stutter.
James breathed in deeply. He shook his head in disbelief and ran both hands into his hair.
'All this time? We've had... so many moments we've-...' He looked down still shaking his head. 'You made me think...'
'I figured what you needed now was a friend.' She said, unapologetically. She didn't regret not being another problem he had to solve.
He looked at her, knowing what she meant and thinking of Sam, which only enhanced the turmoil of emotions he was already in.
'That was the most important thing, now, to be there for you. No second intentions.' She concluded.
He clenched his jaw asking between his grit. 'What about before?'
Lily breathed in deeply, looking down now. Her courage took a step back there. This was not how she had envisioned it. This felt wrong and resentful and haunted by years of hurting each other.
'What do you mean what, you know what' she responded lower.
'No, you know what, I don't know because whatever it was, it didn't stop you from telling it to my best mates apparently, so what was it?' She looked up at him, taken aback from his continued coldness. 'Was it ego?' He continued. 'The idea of not having the upper hand for once, didn't agree with you?
'No.' she said insulted.
'Mate,' Remus started but James raised his arm as a stop sign, not taking his eyes off her.
'Or was it just to keep hurting me then? No forgiveness after all' he said, lower now but serious, trying to unveil the truth in her face.
It was ruined. All that they had gone through, colliding into this casualty. The thought of it all being to waste crept in on her, making her fight back tears.
'Hurt you?' She asked. 'Is the git in you still so overwhelmingly present it blinds you still?' She got her face closer. Hurt but honest and severe, not raising her voice. 'Can't you understand that-that to see you with a girlfriend was... painful enough,' she let out a dire chuckle, 'that to actually hear you say you didn't love me back would be too...'
She widened her eyes in realization.
That word changed the entire energy in the room to a deafening silence. She looked at James' eyes, but they were indecipherable. He wasn't breathing.
'I m- I mean,' she stepped back and looked around suddenly, with panic in her voice, remembering there were still three other people in the room. 'I didn't...'
Remus looked pitiful, Sirius a mix of expectant with a hint of excitement and as she was coming back to look at James, eyebrows closed in fear of how he'd react. Someone entered the room at that very moment.
'Oh good, you lot are still awake.' Marlene said good-natured, walking in. 'I was actually thinking we could plan something out; I think everyone could use some-' but she noticed the atmosphere and finished her thought cautiously '...unwind.'
Lily didn't think twice and shot away from there, not looking at anyone and running off as if searching for a door somewhere where none of what just happened was real.