Work Text:
stupid.
it was all so, so fucking stupid.
aubrey had a few people who weren’t stupid, but that didn’t matter. her whole life was stupid. her house. school. her memories. she wasn’t good enough.
she was nothing but… stupid .
her feelings. her thoughts. nothing about her was important. it was all irrelevant.
she never felt like this before… mari .
mari’s death ruined her whole life. she never blamed mari, of course. even though she wanted to at times, she knew who the real villains were—her stupid fucking friends. they were all way stupider than her.
they all left her in the dust, driving over her body and crushing her soul, and they didn’t even care.
kel lived on. basil lived on. sunny and hero shut her out. what more did she have after that?
she found her sun—kim—but, no matter how much aubrey loved her, aubrey knew that kim would never truly understand what she went through when mari passed. she’ll never feel what aubrey did, standing under the tree, staring at mari’s limp body. she’ll never feel the numbness that aubrey felt. she’ll never understand it.
and fuck , aubrey was eternally grateful to kim for everything that she’d done for her. but it hurt so goddamn bad to have that barrier between them. she was the only member of the hooligans that was well-versed on aubrey’s past (most notably, of course, mari ), which was nice, but it wasn’t the same connection she’d spent so long yearning for with her old friends.
they knew mari. they understood. they should have, at least… they knew how close her and mari were, and yet they turned a blind eye to her. how could they forget aubrey?
how could they forget… mari?
mari wouldn’t have wanted their friendships to fall through. mari would’ve wanted them to all stay close, even after she passed on. so why didn’t they want to? why didn’t they want to fulfill one of mari’s dreams?
she may have killed herself, but it wasn’t like she’d just never existed. it wasn’t fucking fair.
every once in a while, aubrey found herself oh-so-cruelly daydreaming. she didn’t like what she daydreamed about, not one bit, but sometimes… she found herself wishing that it had been sunny instead. mari would’ve been there. mari would’ve helped them.
they all could still be friends.
kim could meet mari, too. and then she’d understand just how special mari was.
but no.
it had to have been mari. mari killed herself, and she’s not coming back. she already tied the fucking noose and let herself hang.
nothing can change that for aubrey. nothing .
all she could do was live through the pain. it was so fucking hard, though. she just wanted to bleed out. slam her head against a wall. anything .
of course, even without dying, she could make herself bleed. just one slice and the red would rise up and pour out.
it was fascinating, really. her body was probably covered in cuts at this point. red dripped down from her upper arm, drops of it splattering all over her bedroom floor. she couldn’t bring herself to care. all she cared about was another release from the pain.
she cut her wrist this time. she wasn’t planning on dying, but aubrey was okay with the idea of it happening to her. whatever her body wanted.
it wouldn’t change anything.
she cut again, and again, and again. slice after slice, until her arm was covered in blood.
this habit of hers was new, but it felt old. the cuts were new, but her history wasn’t. it went all the way back—she had heard, as a child, that cutting yourself would relieve the pain.
her mother had never been mentally stable—she was never quite all there. she’d been a better mom when aubrey was younger, but as aubrey aged, more of her mother’s screws came loose…
her mother had her own habits. alcoholism, pushing out the world, just about anything a person could imagine… she neglected aubrey like it was nothing. but before her mother ignored her, she’d tell aubrey life hacks—how to cut, how to numb it all, everything aubrey knew now .
as a kid, aubrey ignored it. she didn’t understand it. even now, she didn’t get it.
cutting didn’t help her much. but she felt like she deserved it. she felt like it must be what’s true. a lot of people do it, don’t they? why would they do it if it didn’t help?
it may help her later. but for now, it was what she deserved.
she deserved all of this pain and bloodshed for being so bitter and cruel. everything was her fault. it all came back to her, and she knew that. and the worst part of it all is that she was still angry.
at the world, at her so-called friends, and…
at mari .
she didn’t blame her. she’d said it so many times before after all. she thought it today, yesterday, weeks ago… and it’s true, she doesn’t. but she’s angry .
angry at everything that led up to mari’s death.
why’d she do it? why didn’t she tell anybody? had she been trying to? was it a message that aubrey missed? she knew it must’ve been. aubrey was too focused on herself, or getting back at kel, even on her own grades…
she knew mari wanted her to succeed in life, but if she hadn’t been so concerned about her own frivolous desires, then maybe mari wouldn’t have strung herself up on the tree like a fucking piñata.
it was all aubrey’s fault.
everything.
her friend group falling apart was her fault. everything mari went through before may not have been, but she made it worse , and that’s her fault. and if she hadn’t exacerbated mari’s pain, then mari wouldn’t have died and the friend group would be fine. see how that works?
i’m so awful , aubrey thought to herself.
she felt like nothing but deadweight. she loved the hooligans. she loved… kim.
but it wasn’t fair. she was nothing but bad luck. she couldn’t do anything right. she just fucks everything up—comes into people’s lives and wrecks everything… all she’s done so far is make kim worry. even when they’re having a good time, aubrey can feel it.
and sooner or later, she’ll disappoint her, and she’ll leave.
the hooligans—the rest of them—will never fully comprehend what she’s going through. she loves hanging out with them, but she’s just so… aubrey , and they’re so much better than that.
it’s not fair. she’s not being fair to them. she’s not being fair to anyone .
what difference would it make, cutting out the cancer?
she’d fix everything. without her polluting the earth, things would be better. her friends and everyone she loves will have a real shot at happiness, because then they wouldn’t have to look after aubrey.
nothing but a wrecking ball, right?
she couldn’t feel her face anymore. the tears had come and gone all day. her eyes were puffy and they almost hurt. aubrey sniffled, wiping her tears away.
she looked down at her arms. oh fuck .
kim was going to notice. hell, even vance would. she was so fucked.
she tried to stand up as calmly as she could, as to not disturb her mother downstairs. she didn’t need to make another person mad at her. slowly, she twisted the knob to the bathroom and slipped inside.
she turned on the sink and rinsed off her hands, her arms, and topped it all off by splashing her face with water.
the world was clearer now.
wow, i’m kind of fucking stupid , aubrey thought as she bandaged her wounds. so dramatic , she snapped.
she couldn’t feel anything normal, could she? it was all so confusing all of the time. every time she felt good, it felt like it’d last forever, and then she’d feel bad again and it was as if she’d never smiled before in her life. she couldn’t stand how volatile her mood swings were.
ugh, i don’t have time for this , she thought as she walked back to her room.
kim would certainly mention it tomorrow. she hated to worry kim—she definitely didn’t receive any joy or satisfaction from seeing kim stare at her arms, fiddling with her hoodie strings as she debated what to say to aubrey. it made her feel awful .
she appreciated everything kim did for her, especially checking up on her and making sure she was okay. but she was sick and tired of feeling like some broken girl that kim had to take care of.
she knew why she was the broken one, because it’s true, she is broken. but for once, she wanted to be the one to take care of kim.
she genuinely cared about her, and genuinely wanted to be there for her. her own issues always seem to take center stage, which is the problem. kim’s always so concerned about how aubrey’s doing, she never even thinks about herself.
i’ll have to talk to her about it. show her that i care.
but for now, aubrey was going to rest. then she’d worry about everything else.