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Some days were harder than others. Bucky had found out the hard way. Some days, he was fine. The darkness that seemed to swallow him was kept at bay; his mind relaxed as much as it could with all the shit going on in there.
Some days it was like today. Where the darkness swallowed him whole. Where nothing seemed to go for him. Where the day never seemed to end. Where the memories seeped back in, leaving him feeling guilt and shame, drowning in the darkness.
The mission hadn’t gone well. His body ached from the fight between Sam, Walker, and himself. The feelings from seeing Walker bludgeon someone with the shield was still fresh in his mind.
Steve would hate it.
But Steve wasn’t around anymore.
Bucky huffed as he shoved his hands into his jacket after hitching his bag up on his shoulder. He resented Steve for what he did, leaving him alone. But then again, he could understand. He would’ve done the same for you.
You.
It wasn’t long after Steve had left and Bucky had found himself lost, mentally he had no idea what was going on. He had healed a lot when he was in Wakanda, Steve would visit often, and they had reminisced about what they had missed and what could’ve been.
But after Thanos, Bucky was gone for five years, and Steve seemed a different man again. He felt like it was Hydra all over again, where he lost time and memories.
This time, he lost Steve.
Bucky had found that he needed coping methods, which is how he stumbled into you. You had a little bookshop that always stayed open late, and Bucky had always loved to get lost in a book when he was overwhelmed.
He found himself coming back once a week, that turned into a couple of times and then it seemed he lived there outside of work. It wasn’t till after a couple of months that he finally asked you out and the rest was history.
He notedly lived more at your apartment than his own, he preferred it that way. He couldn’t bear to be in the barren apartment of his anymore, not after being in yours for so long. The pictures and quotes on the walls, the candles, the floor to ceiling bookshelves full of new and old books. The way it always smelled like you. The handmade blankets you had from your neighbour.
He couldn’t leave.
He had also found that the only way he could feel better after nightmares and long missions was seeing you. Holding you. Feeling you. He just needed you at this point.
After the first few times he had rocked up to your apartment, gone midnight, covered in a thin layer of sweat, or littered with small cuts and bruises, you had promised that you would always leave a light on.
It was after a particularly bad nightmare, where Bucky had barely closed his eyes before he woke up screaming, his neighbours banging on his wall, telling him to shut up. He woke up to darkness in his apartment, his heart racing. He didn’t think twice as he left his apartment, practically running.
Bucky had arrived at your apartment, barely dressed, shaking. His eyes were glazed over, his skin clammy. His breathing fast. You didn’t need him to say anything as you pulled him into your apartment. You held him all night long. It took one hour for his breathing to steady, another two for him to stop shaking. He had eventually fallen asleep listening to the soft beating of your heart.
After that night, you had promised him that you would leave a light on for him. That the light would always stay on, day and night so that he could see it. You had gone out the very next day and brought a led candle to place in your window, you checked the batteries daily and always left it on.
Bucky stopped walking, looking up at your window. He wanted to smile but he couldn’t. The candle was on, flickering against the dark backdrop of your apartment. He wasn’t sure what he did to deserve someone like you, what he did to be able to love someone like you.
That stupid, cheap candle meant so much to him. It meant that you were willing to be with him, through the dark times that he was having. Through the past that still haunted him on a daily basis.
He took a deep breath before letting himself into the building and climbing the stairs to your apartment. He had gotten a spare key from you a month ago, it was attached to the keychains that you had brought him. He let himself in, inhaling your scent.
He was home.
He dumped his bag on the floor and hung his jacket up, wincing. He gently shut the door, trying not to wake you up. He had already spotted you, curled up on the couch. You were wearing one of his t-shirts, curled up in one of the many blankets in the apartment, the tv was on, but the volume was quiet.
It was like you had a sixth sense for him, as he started to make his way over to you, your nose crinkled, your eyebrows furrowed, your eyes fluttering open. As soon as you spotted him a soft smile spread across your face. It was like your whole face lit up.
You stumbled to your feet, forgoing the blankets, and falling into Bucky's arms. He bit back a wince as he just wanted to hold you, be with you. He pulls you in closer, burying his face in your hair. “God I missed you.”
“I miss you too,” you mumble into his chest, inhaling his rich smell. “Tough mission? I can tell. Come on, let’s go to bed.”
You let Bucky go although it takes him a second longer to let his arms fall to his side. He nods as he watches you turn around, grabbing your phone and drink, you walk over to the bedroom, looking over at him, smiling.
Bucky's eyes gaze over at the candle, a warmth spreading through him. He tore his gaze away, his eyes finding you. Standing there, your hand held out to him, his t-shirt resting on the middle of your thigh.
Smiling.
Your smile was like sunshine. You brightened up his day, every time you spotted him there was this smile that spread across your face. Your eyes would light up. You looked at him with complete adoration. He loved that look.
“Come on slowpoke,” you call out, beckoning him.
Although he loved the candle and what it meant. It was you that was the light in his life. It was you he looked to when he was at the darkest points in his life, it was you that lit up the road to salvation.
You were his light, and he was never going to let you go.