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Falling in love with your friend and partner had to be a terrible fate.
Another sleepless night; her mind kept her wide awake while thinking about the restaurant and everything that had to be done. But she would be lying if she said that was the only thing occupying her mind, because the truth was that she was also thinking about Carmy. Nonstop.
Her bed never felt more uncomfortable, the room was too warm and the night was eerily quiet while her mind was racing. After hours of trying her brain to slow down and get quiet, she gave up. She ended up getting up, turning the lights on and writing things that they had to do and take care of. Recipes and ideas started flooding her mind, so she was sure there was no way she was going to go back to sleep.
When her brain was finally satisfied with the torrent of information written down, it was time to think about Carmen. Carmy and his fucking friend who was a girl.
She rubbed her eyes, feeling them tired and sore; she had been sleeping so little as of recently. If she had to listen one more time that Carmy didn’t do something because of Claire or that he was with her instead of taking care of something at the restaurant, she was going to end up screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the street. She was beyond fed up; she was sick of someone that she didn’t even know, she was tired of being let down and most terribly, she was deeply disappointed.
She hated the spot she was in and it felt so unfair. She rightfully felt like she was doing more and was more committed than Carmy, because she was. She was focussed on the restaurant but she couldn’t say the same thing about her partner and it felt like her lungs were burning from how hard to accept that was.
She had failed before, she had trusted her previous partner and everything ended up going to shit. She almost lost everything and now she was trying again and sometimes she wondered if she had made a huge mistake again. Why did she always have to get herself in dangerous positions? Risking her financial and mental stability. Her impulsive decisions would be the death of her.
Her mind kept circling back to Carmy; it had been so weird going through some months in which everyone thought that they were together. Literally everyone had made comments, alluded to or joked about how they were sure Carmy and her were a thing. They were becoming Syd and Carmy, Carmy and Syd. So, when Nat told her that Carmy was seeing someone, her world was shaken.
Not that she would ever admit it to anybody, but it had affected her in intense embarrassing ways. She felt deceived and dumb for giving the thought of them together some consideration. She never should have done that, but Carmy confused the hell out of her all the time. Maybe she was being delusional, but cooking with him and spending so much time together had been special to her. It felt like something was brewing between them, a connection and a bond was getting stronger each day. Or at least that was what happened to her; clearly not to Carmy.
She was so sure that Carmy wanted her, that they were days away from their teeth clashing and ripping each other’s clothes. They were being so intimate, so close to each other. She never questioned herself and reality more than after learning the news.
She wished to shatter glass or something against the ground and walls; Carmen stood her up again.
“You give too much, not everyone deserves it.”
Her father's words echoing inside her head, he was right in questioning if she could fully trust Carmy.
She hated that she was brought to cold-hard reality by the knowledge that Carmy was dating someone and that it wasn’t her. How the fuck did Carmen was able to start dating someone while getting so closer to her? Did all their time shared and bonding meant nothing to him? It was genuinely so confusing.
The food she was tasting on her own felt sour in her mouth, her palette seemed fucked because it all tasted like ash.
If nothing had been romantic to Carmy, she then didn’t understand why he kept staring at her. She kept reliving all the soft touches that Carmy gave her, all the smiles and glances and it was all so beyond confusing and angering. She knew that she had been long infatuated by Carmy, so she had been at a disadvantage but she didn’t think she was that delusional about his feelings towards her.
It was so confusing because one moment she felt incredibly close to him, and the next she never felt further away from Carmy. She wanted to push him and scream at him while at the same time she wanted to peel back all of Carmen Berzatto until she got to his warm, confusing and fucked up core. She felt like she had been doing it, getting level after level closer and deeper into Carmy. So it was actually extremely painful living with the fact that Carmy loved someone else and while doing it he was jeopardizing their project.
Sometimes she felt like she was a silly teenager, having fantasies about her partner and person she had admired for so long. She had fantasized about Carmy revealing his feelings for her in some dramatic gesture that he’d been in love with her for months. It physically pained her knowing that she had been so stupid. She was grown and busy, she didn’t even have time for love at all. She wished to go back in time to when she had given up on that sort of love, she wished to never have allowed her mind to ever think about Carmy that way.
She had accepted the fact that she wasn’t the sort of person who had relationships. It was not compatible with her work and her priorities. She never found someone who even came close to what she was looking for, except for Carmy. They experienced such similar lives and they understood each other in a way that made her not want to be alone forever. She actually fucking wished for a chance to give it a shot with Carmy; but that wasn’t a possibility anymore.
She felt sick, felt something building in the back of her throat.
While working herself to the bone, while she was barely sleeping and her stomach rejecting food, Carmy was just being a fool with Claire.
Him bringing her there, to their place? That was when it turned into something bigger, she felt betrayed, humiliated even.
Carmy was parading her when weeks ago everyone was joking about them being a thing? Everyone could now see how she had been deceived. She felt going insane.
“I’m also sorry that you are here,” She said while meeting Claire and she instantly corrected her true feelings so she wasn’t so blatantly rude.
She never felt like an outsider with them; not after the first days on The Beef, but in that moment it was all she could feel.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don’t wanna be here anymore.
“Good night.” She felt so many gazes on her.
“What?” Carmy had the nerve to ask her.
“I’m just saying goodnight.” She spat. He was never going to be hers.
Blasting music on her ears so loud until generating a headache and digging her nails on her palms; her entire body kept shaking from how angry she felt.
The anger felt like poison in her veins; how could she be so naive? Why did Carmy had to do it so abruptly? Why did he have to strip her of her dignity? Why didn’t he let her down slowly instead of dropping her to the floor like a doll that was discarded by a toddler for a new shining toy? She could barely make it to her toilet before her stomach expelled all its content.
She rinsed the vomit from her mouth in her house, her mind consumed.
She had to be the factor, right? She knew that Carmy was kind of fucked up and that he was dealing with a lot; dead brother and all. But she also felt that there was something wrong with her. She wasn’t wired right, always feeling everything so intensely and caring about everything in a way that no one did. No one ever matched her in terms of caring. Maybe she trusted too much, she aimed too high; she was addicted to getting too close to the sun and burning herself. There had to be something in her DNA, written in her blood that made her doomed to trust people and made her end up crashing hard against the floor.
Her head was actually pounding, she had an intense migraine that was making her nauseous. She had entered a loop in which she didn’t eat because of her nausea and her nausea got worse because of not eating. A damn cycle.
“Carmy is worried about you.”
She instantly froze, turning slowly to look at Richie. “What?” She choked out, trying not to sound too shaken. Richie had a weird look on his face.
“What I said,” Richie said while continuing what he was doing like he didn’t say anything.
“What do you mean? Why?” She asked looking around, they were the only ones in that room at that moment.
“I don’t think he knows and that’s driving him crazy,” Richie said, which made her frown and get more irritated.
“Well, I’m fucking fine, so I don’t know what do you want me to do with this information.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Do what?” She said breathing deeply and getting more annoyed each second. She crossed her arms and glared at Richie.
“Pretend. We all can tell that something’s going on.”
“Nothing is going on.”
“That’s a lie.” Richie said, pointing a finger at her face. “I’m not saying spill your guts to me or anything like that, Syd. We both know I’m the least suited person in the world for that, for fucks sake. But, just don’t lie. I’m trying to…help you somehow.”
She laughed out loud and felt anger finally consume her. The knowledge that Carmy had been going around talking about her or expressing concern for her, while at the same time actively disappointing her and ignoring her when she needed him, made her skin sizzle with anger.
“Well I don’t need your fucking help, I didn’t ask for it so don’t come to me with that bullshit. Also, I’m fucking fine and if Carmy is worried about me he should just…talk to me? What a concept!” She had to grab something because of how dizzy she felt after her outburst. She didn’t remember the last time she ate a proper meal.
Richie definitely caught on it and watched her grip the table.
“You okay? Sydney.” Richie asked, getting one step closer.
“I’m fine,” She barked.
She took some deep breaths and the dizzy spell went away after some seconds.
“You are…different Syd, and I notice shit. You’ve been different since Carmy started dating Claire.”
…was that softness in Richie’s voice? Was her moping, disappointment and heartbreak so evident that Richie out of all people was talking to her like that?
Fuck that. She laughed again and shook her head in disbelief. She grabbed her things and got ready to leave.
“Yeah, shut the fuck. Leave me the fuck alone Richie.”
“Oh, come on, Sydney” Richie said and at that moment Nat entered.
“What’s going on?” Nat asked, frowning.
“Shut the fuck up, I’m so serious,” She warned Richie while grabbing her bag and leaving before getting cruel.
The worst part was that Carmy still took up all her mind. The guy was happily in a relationship with someone and neglecting her, so she was pretty sure that he didn’t care like she did.
There was a hole eating through her chest. She should stop wanting him; God had she tried, but she didn’t know how. No one teaches you how to stop your heart from loving someone so much you feel they are the center of your life.
What I am to you? Am I nothing?
She wanted to call Carmy in the middle of the night and ask him. The only thing truly stopping her was the possibility that her was lying next to him while she made a fool of herself.
Carmy did seem worried but he didn’t do anything too substantial about it. Concerned blue eyes didn’t do shit for her when she felt like she was barely hanging in every day.
She had to hear Carmy call Claire, talk about her; his girlfriend. She could spit.
Why are you doing this to me? Why are you fucking with me? Quoting thee Carmen Berzatto.
She wanted to shake Carmen, dig her fingers in his muscles until hurting him.
He tried sometimes, giving her plates of food that she ignored. She was not allowing him to take care of her. She knew he was trying through their shared language but she was refusing his attempts.
She didn’t want his delicious food, she wanted either to be passionately kissed or apologized profusely. She wanted him to show up, to be there, to be her partner; not lingering looks and half ass attempts at commitment.
The hands she once wanted so much to touch her, now made her shy away. His hands were touching Claire, so she was not going to allow Carmen to keep whatever he thought he was doing with her.
She was so angry at him for everything; especially for ruining food for her. It was meant to be their thing, to make them connect at such a level that they’ll end up falling in love. It was also something that was truly hers and he was taking away a piece of her. Things weren’t supposed to be like that.
She wasn’t supposed to feel at war; like she carried bruised knuckles and a bleeding heart. Carmy used to reach for her hand, confided in her and created something that didn’t have a title but it was something.
She felt kind of sick; all she had that day was one Ensure. No wonder why.
While going home she kept looking at the couples in front of her. It was like the universe was torturing her, presenting happy, loving couples next to her all the time. There was a guy that looked like Carmy if she squinted, holding a woman so tenderly that it tightened her chest.
She looked happy, her smile was wide and she held him back. Syd wondered what that was like, to be so seen and loved by someone. She would give anything to stop feeling unlovable.
She couldn’t imagine it, not from anyone that wasn’t Carmy. She was sure no one would understand her dedication to the restaurant, her obsessive behaviors and her passionate way of moving through life. She didn’t think that anyone else would be able to cope with her intensity and the messy depth of her brain.
Always keeping herself in check in order to not overwhelm people, she was sure that if she showed her hidden parts people would leave her. Maybe that was why Carmen did it, why he turned on her and changed her for Claire. She had shown way too much of herself to him and he decided he couldn’t handle it. What more proof than that did she need to understand that she was not meant for love?
When did her infatuation fade? It was still there but it had faded terribly.
She always admired Carmy, followed his career almost obsessively. She allowed herself to idealize him, even though he showed her that he was very flawed.
I can help him. I can do it. I can create something with him.
She kept fooling herself until she was in too deep to be able to leave.
The Bear was also her baby, she was 8 months pregnant and ready to pop; she couldn’t just leave it and walk away.
Opening a restaurant together, what was she thinking? She took it too far. Her ambitions and dreams blinded her, Carmy’s attention had intoxicated her, making her addicted to the feeling of his gaze on her.
She felt toyed with, Carmen made her believe that there was something between them when in reality he was thinking about Claire.
It hit her so hard when it was revealed, she saw stars but not the good kind.
She gifted Carmy her heart, her entire being, and for what? There she was, yet again planning things alone when Carmen should be there with her.
“Alright, mama?” Tina asked her, making her snap out of her trance. She had been numbly staring at papers in front of her; her mind full of Carmen.
She looked up, blinking in surprise before nodding slowly. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
Her head was pounding and her eyes burnt. She just threw up after calling Carmy and he didn’t pick up.
“You feel okay?” Tina insisted.
It felt like her ribs were trying to escape, trying to break free.
“Well enough,” She mumbled and continued working.
There were days in which things weren’t horrible; days in which she could pretend like nothing had changed between them and they were in that undefined space. That day she had felt so connected, so in sync, finishing each other’s sentences. She even stupidly enjoyed it when Carmy touched her back. But one thing could ruin the entire day for her, something that reminded her that she was being delusional, yet again.
She threw her phone against the wall, feeling satisfied with a loud crack as it hit the wall. Claire’s instagram was public and she pathetically clicked on her story, getting hit by a picture of Carmy’s hand. The knot in her throat was bursting open, she felt an all-consuming rage taking over her. It was so overwhelming that her brain had to step up and protect her, switching the unbearable anger for numbness.
The world seemed to come rushing back around her and she was left blinking slowly. She was sitting on the table, her meal forgotten and her stomach closed on itself. The emptiness in the room felt so loud around her.
She felt like Carmy was trying to make her go insane; it had to be intentional. Taking a shaky breath, she stood up and picked up her now cracked phone; she couldn’t care less about the damage. It’s not like she had a boyfriend that was texting her, calling her. It’s not like she had Carmy to take photos to and post on her social media.
She didn’t think she could continue like that anymore. It was physically impossible for her to handle the pain that was seeing Carmen with Claire.
“Where are you?”
She took a moment to process the words, Nat was next to her. “Huh?”
“You seem so far away. Are you okay?”
She had fantasized about Nat being her sister-in-law, about Natalie being the sister she never had. How stupid of her.
“Oh, no. I mean–yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Syd scanned Nat’s face, not liking how softly she was talking. What was it with them people treating her differently? Was she really such a pathetic sight that people insisted on asking her if she was okay?
Your brother is ruining my life, he is destroying me.
She couldn’t say that, right?
“Nah, don’t worry.”
“Syd. Sydney.”
Carmen’s shoes were in front of her where she was folded over after throwing up. She realized she had been unmoving for some time.
“Sydney.”
It was the day after friends and family and she had avoided Carmy like the plague. When she thought her disappointment couldn’t be greater, Carmy got stuck on the damn walk-in and almost ruined the night. She was sure it sucked for him but it sucked even more for her so she didn’t have it in her the previous day to show Carmen empathy.
She was so ready to give up.
“You okay? Hey.” Carmen was in front of her, not minding standing next to her puke. They were an hour from opening.
“No.”
She felt him get very still.
“You lied. You let me fall. I never understood why people make promises they can’t fucking keep.”
The crushing pressure of what she’d have to do was drowning her. It was their big opening night and for some reason her mind decided that was the moment for the pressure cooker to explode.
“I want to run away, that's all I want.” She stared at the bile stain on her shoe. Her hands were shaking and she felt like maybe her body had enough of her bullshit; maybe she was going to collapse right there. At least she’d have her taste of a dramatic moment in Carmy’s arms.
“But I don’t want this all to be for nothing. This is it, you know? This is my only shot. I can’t do this again.”
Carmy’s hand hovered over her without actually touching her. She dropped the bomb without even looking at him.
The door opened and closed without her knowing who it was. She guessed she may be a pathetic sight crouching on the floor.
She had shredded herself to little pieces and she didn’t think she'd get her burnt out parts back; they were gone. Her head pounded mercilessly and the pit of her stomach threatened to become a black hole.
“I’m sorry. I’m—fuck I’m so sorry.”
She ignored him.
“This has been so much, that I’ve almost forgotten what my life was like before you. I don’t know why I gave you so much space. Why did I put you on this pedestal that has such power over me?”
She knew she sounded crazy but at the same time she couldn’t stop herself. Carmy’s hand tried to grab hers but she moved it away. He awkwardly tried again, but she repeated the motion.
“Hey, hey. Please. I’m so sorry, let’s talk.”
She frowned, Carmy sounded so concerned that it pissed her off. Was that all she had to do to get his full attention? Be dramatic and show her deteriorating mental health in order to make him concerned for her?
Was she going to stoop so low and cry on his shoulder to get ‘checking in’ texts and a few hugs? She felt so touch-starved that the idea sounded tempting for a second.
Maybe she should play victim and guilt him into giving her more attention, maybe she could make Carmy fall for her so he would dump Claire.
What?
What the fuck. She almost made herself throw up again by how ashamed she felt by her own thoughts. She wasn’t that pathetic.
“Sydney, please. Let’s talk.” She couldn’t tolerate the urgency in his voice.
“Stop, stop.” She had to go back inside and prevent a humiliating act.
“I can’t do this now. I can’t.” She rubbed her face and stood up. Carmy finally touched her, holding her by her elbow when she was unstable on her feet.
“What’s happening—Sydney, please. I know I fucked up but I swear—“
He didn’t get it, he could never possibly understand how much he fucked her up; the extent of it all.
“Don’t swear anything, don’t promise anything else to me. I won’t believe you.”
She removed her arm from his grip and made her way back inside. For a moment she wished he would get it over with; cut all the ropes and let her fall already.
“If you want to try to fix anything, just prove me wrong. But I won’t believe anything else you promise to me. I don’t trust you anymore.”
She finally looked at him for more than a microsecond and felt satisfied with the evident pain in his eyes. Good.
She was sure his pain could not even compare to hers.