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It was a nice day.
No, not all the days at been nice so far. This wasn’t the beginning. But, nor was it the end.
Aziraphale was sitting by the windowsill, crocheting a scarf for Crowley. He was sitting opposite him, huddled up by the fireplace with a displeased look on their face. They had been in quite a grump recently, but he had his reasons. The recent cold weather had been quite harsh on them, making their limbs more sore than usual. The cold had always been a pain for him, which is why aziraphale had recently taken up making Crowley a full set of crocheted and knitted clothing. He had already knitted a jumper, crocheted a pair of socks and knitted a lovely dark red wollen hat. And now be was happily working on his next project in order to keep his loved on nice and warm and to try and help him with his pain as much as possible.
The past weeks had been lovely between them, even the past months, yet there was still tension in the air. There were things they hadn’t talked about, discussions they were yet to have, but there just hadn’t been the right time or moment to bring any of it up.
„Now would be a good time.“, thought Aziraphale out loud.
„What was that?“, muffled Crowley, who had started building himself a blanket fort out of a few multicolored unfinished crochet projects aziraphale had done.
Aziraphale, realizing he had said that out loud, straightened up a bit, and started talking, whilst still working on his Crowley-scarf-project:“I think we should have...a discussion of sorts. Um- im not sure where to start- just- how are you feeling right now love?“
„Oh, he/they thanks but that might change later.“
„Oh- no that’s not what I meant dear- but thats also information that I’ll keep in mind, but what I meant is, how have you been doing- uh - how do I put this?- umm - mentally?“, aziraphale questioned, not being completely sure if it was aimed at Crowley or himself, but it was out there in the open.“Only I just - I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright is all I mean. It’s been a few months since - well, since what happened with Metatron and all that and I just - I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay? We haven’t - well we haven’t exactly discussed and I’m just a bit worried, that’s all.“
„Why would you be worried, angel? I’m fine. It’s - eurgh - what happened was just - a thing. Just a blip. A bleh. A bleugh. You changed your mind. You - you chose me. You chose me in the end so why would I even be bothered one single bit, at all, ever. Just nonesense honestly. It’s fine, we’re fine, I’m fine, it’s all just fine angel. We’re together now and - and that’s all I - ngk- all I need.“, Crowley’s words tumbled out, the last part especially mumbled.
„I know Crowley, I’m just - I’m just worried. I mean, I abandoned you! I - I left you! Oh dear, your distraught face and the tears in your eyes! I just - goodness I just can’t even bare to think about your wonderful face being overshadowed by a painful expression. It’s just stuck in my mind - I can’t bare to think about you so upset, my dear Crowley, I just can’t! I want you to talk to me, dear. You can tell me any of your worries, anything on your mind, anything that’s bothering you. Please. I’m here Crowley. You can talk to me now. I won’t leave you.“
Crowley looked unsure, like they were contemplating what move to play next in a game of chess, only this time, the chess pieces were his emotions and the Game was this conversation, and oh god, he did not feel like playing another round.
„Ngk, I don’t really know if there’s much to say, angel. I mean, I - I wouldn’t even really know where to start“, he muttered, his eyes underneath his glasses darting around the room trying not to make any direct eye contact with the angel sitting opposite him.
„That’s okay! I can help you! We can - we can go at it together!“
„Might want to reword that, angel.“
„You’re not helping. Listen, I’m just worried and I feel like there are things you aren’t telling me Crowley. Not - not like you’re keeping any secrets, just - that you don’t know how to talk about them. But you can talk about it. With me.“, aziraphale smiled softly, placing a gentle hand on Crowley’s shoulder and rubbing a few soothing circles into the side of their arm.
Crowley’s face faltered a bit. „Alright then“, he muttered, taking off his glasses and placing them to the side, still not being able to look Aziraphale in the eyes.
„I just... Ive been feeling - not - not grounded? Secure? Ive been feeling... not secure? Insecure? In our relationship?- I’m not exactly - ngk - I’m not exactly sure how to word it, angel.“
Aziraphale smiled warmly. It had started to rain outside, yet the atmosphere didn’t feel stormy. It felt warm. And safe. „That’s alright, dear. You can take your time. I’m not going anywhere.“
Crowley’s eyes widened and his face faltered again:“See- see that’s the problem! I don’t - I don’t know that. You don’t know that! You could be gone in!- well - you could be gone tomorrow for all I know! And where would that leave me? I just - I don know what I’d do.“
„But Crowley, I would never leave you. I’m here to stay with you now.“
„But you did! You - you left! And I know you came back - I know you did but - but what if you hadn’t? What if you had just - just never come back? What would I have done to myself without you here....?“, Crowley was starting to gasp for air, his eyes frantic, lost in his own thoughts:“ That’s a stupid question. But that’s just me then, isn’t it angel? Just questions, always leading me to the wrong bloody places. They’re all innocent I swear - I never had any ill intentions. But hey, tell that to fucking God. Tell that to God after I was casted down, belittled, swallowed by the pits of hell all for asking questions!“, they paused, tears now rolling down their cold face, yet they didn’t bother to while them away.
„I wasn’t good enough and... - I never will be good enough for heaven. I know that’s what you wanted. For me to be good enough so that I could be apart of heaven again, up there with the angels who could never do wrong, unlike the Wiley old demon Crowley. I’ll never be perfect angel. I’ll never be good enough for heaven and I’ll - that means I’ll - I’ll never be good enough for you.“, he choked out a sob after barely finishing his sentence.
Aziraphale sat there with shocked and sympathetic eyes, staring into Crowley’s bright yellow ones. Oh how Aziraphale loved those eyes. „Crowley - Oh, my dear Crowley. I wasn’t trying to make you good enough for heaven! I was - I was trying to make heaven good enough for you... You deserve the world - you - you deserve better than heaven Crowley. Oh goodness, I would never want to change you. You’re just perfect. I’d only ever want to change the world for you.“, Aziraphale finished his sentence by standing up, walking over to the soft sofa where Crowley sat, sitting down and wrapping an arm around Crowley. He cupped one side of his face softly, looking directly into their soft yellow eyes:“Everything I do, I keep you in mind Crowley. You’re -you’re my love. You’re my life. You are the love of my life, Crowley.“
Crowley looked away briefly, as if he had just had a sudden though, then looked back again:“ But then, why did you leave to start with? And why did you change your mind so quickly?“, Crowley stared at Aziraphale, intently waiting for an answer whilst still shaking a bit in Aziraphales arms, looking a bit like a lost puppy.
Aziraphale frowned, his eyes glossing over:“I - I didn’t want to have to bring this up but I... I suppose I owe it to you. Well, Heaven hasnt always been as - ahh - kind to me as I have given them credit for over the past few - we’ll, forever. They’ve never - treated me like an angel. More like a - well I supposed they’ve always treated me a bit like an idiot. I never fitted in. With the other angels - I mean. I’ve always been alone and I’ve always been.... different. Well, obviously. I mean, just look at me! An overly sensitive bookshop owner who spends his time indulging in large meals, and, lets face it, is more than a little soft. I’m ridiculous. I mean, I’ve never actually done anything important for heaven. In fact I’ve sort of... sort of just made them fall behind. I’m a pathetic excuse for an angel.“, Aziraphale chuckled self deprecatingly, trying to plaster a smile on his face yet it was obviously faltering.
„Anyways, when Metatron told me that I’d be perfect for the just I just - I just couldn’t believe it. After always being not enough I just - i felt like I could finally be proud of myself because I was finally enough for something. And when he said that I could bring you as well it just - it just seemed like the perfect solution! I could finally make heaven good enough for you and I could... I could finally be good enough for myself. But when you said no I - I immediately had second thoughts. I think the only reason I went with Metatron was because I saw what I could never have and what I’ve always been so desperate for right in front of me. But - as soon as I stepped into heaven, I knew it was wrong. It was the same. The same old heaven. And I realized - I wouldn’t be able to change it, not for the world, not for you. And then I thought of you and I just - I knew it. That it was you I’ve always needed most, not heaven. Crowley, you are my heaven. I wanted to be good enough for you. And I - I realize I failed you and I - I hurt you! And I can never forgive myself for that, but I just want you to know that, I will still be here tomorrow. And I will still be here next week, and next month, next year, every year, for all eternity, I want to stay by your side, Crowley.“
Aziraphale was now slightly shaking, tears rolling down his cheeks, his face slightly flushed. He looked int Crowley’s eyes, waiting for an answer, yet the silence grew seemingly stronger. And Aziraphale grew more insecure.
He started:“ I - I know it’s pathetic. It’s a pathetic excuse, Crowley, I know, I’m sorry—“ But Crowley cut him off abruptly wit a tight hug, holding Aziraphale tightly in his arms.
„I love you, Aziraphale. You’re enough for me - god you’re more than enough for me. You’re so much more than enough. You’re perfect. You’re so beautiful. Please never let those awful things Heaven has said and done to you ever get stuck in your head, because they’re not true. You’re wonderful. You’re more of an angel than any of them are. You’re my angel. And as long as you promise to stay by my side, then that’s all I will ever need to hear for all of eternity.“, Crowley finished through tears.
This time, it was Aziraphales turn to grab Crowley by his shirt and pull him into a kiss, but unlike the first time, it was more gentle and emotional. It was caring, soft ,and warm all at the same time. It was full of love and reassurance. Their lips danced against eachother for a few seconds until they pulled apart again, though not completely, as their foreheads were still touching.
„If that’s how I’ll be spending my eternity, then I shall love you like there’s no tomorrow, my dear Crowley“, Aziraphale whispered, still short of breath.
Crowley pulled him into a hug, with the fireplace now miracles on, and blanket fort of Aziraphales failed knitting projects over the both of them, they held eachother as the storm roared and the rain poared outside, yet it felt peaceful, it felt loved. Their hands were clasped together, with Crowley drawing soft circles into Aziraphales palm with his finger. Aziraphale, laying his head on Crowley’s shoulder, looked out the window, and then up at Crowley and smiled softly.
„To the world, dear.“
„To the world, angel.“