Chapter Text
Akihiko’s eyes were daggers as Misaki stuttered in shock at her accusation. A blush covered the boy’s face from ear to ear. Though these types of denials twisted a knife in Usami, he let the boy stammer and pout without protest again, and again.
“It’s not like that, Aikawa-san! R-really, I just live here. Th-there’s nothing going on between me and Usagi-san!” Misaki’s hands waved before him furiously trying to shake off the suggestion of the men’s partnership.
“Misaki, the kettle.” Akihiko dropped his gaze and let out a puff of smoke from his cigarette. The kettle had been whistling for the better part of the last minute, unnoticed by the nervous student.
Misaki was relieved to have something to do, but after he brought tea to the author and his agent, he had an uneasy feeling in his gut. Aikawa was around all the time, and Misaki’s stammering wasn’t convincing anyone. But he still felt like he needed to deny comments that suggested any romantic love between him and Akihiko.
He dropped the issue.
“I’m going to study for an exam.” He called over his shoulder as he went upstairs. A hum from Akihiko and a smile from Aikawa were the replies.
Akihiko resumed his meeting with Aikawa unfazed, but afterwards, he made a difficult decision.
—
Days passed before Misaki picked up on Akihiko’s abstinence from him. Being grabbed and kissed and confessed to by his older partner were daily occurrences before, but they were approaching a week of not touching. Otherwise, the older man’s demeanor and attitude were unchanged. He was still unable to meet his deadlines, remember to eat meals, or answer the phone.
The days were getting shorter, and the leaves were just beginning to change colors. Misaki stared out the window of the library where he was studying, unable to concentrate on the Japanese literature text before him.
“ What’s changed ?” Misaki thought. He tried to remember if anything out of the ordinary had occurred, but nothing came to mind. He decided to keep an eye out for any other clues before confronting Usami.
—
Another month passed.
Misaki paced back and forth in his small bedroom. In addition to not being touched, he wasn’t being showered in the ‘I love you, Misaki’s. Akihiko was also taking longer and longer to buy cigarettes and would occasionally come home at strange hours of the night. Misaki had worked himself up with anger at Usagi-san’s unexplained behavior, and he came to some damning, albeit erroneous, conclusions. Akihiko was in the middle of his work when Misaki barged in with a red face and hunched shoulders.
“Spill it, Usagi-san!” Misaki took a deep breath. Akihiko turned in his chair and shot Misaki a bewildered stare. “Who is it? There’s someone else, isn’t there?” Akihiko blinked. “You aren’t exactly ignoring me, but compared to the way you usually act, it’s obvious you’re touching someone else!” Misaki was breathing heavily and tears were beginning to form. “What do they have that I don't? Are they more attractive? Do they have money? What is it?!” Akihiko dropped his head in exhaustion when he realized it was time to follow through on his plan. “I don’t care who it is, just…” Misaki was beginning to cry. “B-be honest with m-me.” He stared at the floor as he finished his sob-interrupted thought. Akihiko let out a small sigh before standing.
“Do you want me to touch you?” All Akihiko wanted was to hold that child and stop his tears. But how much longer would he have to carry the weight of this denial? Misaki paused and looked up between sniffles.
“Huh?” It was Misaki’s turn for the bewildered stare.
“You told Aikawa there was nothing going on between us, and you say it so often I assumed you must want it to be true on some level…” Akihiko’s gaze fell in painful recollection. “Even when we’re alone, you’re constantly pushing me away and saying ‘it’s not like that,’ or coming up with excuses like ‘but we’re both men.’” Akihiko was afraid of the answer to his question, but he steeled himself and searched Misaki’s eyes for an answer. “Misaki, are you that ashamed of me? Of us?”
“I-it’s not like it’s Aikawa-san’s business, you know!” Misaki was hopeful his conclusion was wrong, but it took longer for Akihiko’s question to sink in. His mind was reeling when Akihiko took one step closer and interrupted his spiraling thoughts.
“Her business is managing my life, and with our proximity, that includes you, Misaki. There are times where discretion is called for, and there are times when your denial wounds me.” Every syllable he spoke came with a siren in his mind telling him to stop, to hide Misaki from that reality, to let him continue being a naïve child. He pushed forward with a firm tone. “I know this is something you haven’t had to deal with before, so I’ve tried to give you the space to figure things out. But then you come to these conclusions and storm in here asking about some other person that doesn’t exist... If you can’t be honest with yourself about me, your goal of making the first move is out of reach, Misaki.” After letting off some steam, Akihiko was feeling relieved, but it didn’t last long. Misaki’s head was down, and Akihiko noticed the irregular rise and fall of shoulders– tears. “What am I going to do with you, Misaki?” His voice softened to a gravelly whisper tinged with regret and he closed the gap between them. He reached for Misaki’s shoulders to pull him close. Misaki grabbed him by the wrists and pushed his hands away. He took one quick glance at Akihiko before turning to leave the room.
“I’m sorry, Usagi-san.” He sniffled over his shoulder as he crossed the threshold of the room into the hallway. “I just need a little time to myself,” Misaki whimpered as he descended the stairs to leave the condo. Akihiko was stunned for a moment, afraid of the extent of pain he inflicted.
This is bad.
“Wait, Misaki!” He charged down the stairs and grabbed the boy’s arm as he was about to leave the condo. “This isn’t something you have to deal with alone. It’s partially my fault, so let me help you.” Akihiko searched Misaki’s eyes for any sign that he was successful in consoling Misaki. His green eyes were wet and revealed retreat within himself.
What have I done?
“You asked me a question, Usagi-san.” Misaki’s voice revealed he was moments away from resuming sobbing. “Whether I am ashamed of you or not, I don’t have an answer right now.” A hurt smile took over the boy’s face.
“You don’t need an answer, Misaki. It was cruel of me to ask such a horrible question.” Akihiko knew he couldn’t take back his words, but tried to take some of the sting out of them. His expression was a plea for forgiveness.
“It’s unfair, isn’t it? I should be able to answer it.” The one thing I didn’t want to do... “That’s why I just need a little time, so it’s fine.” …was hurt Usagi-san. He had the same pained smile as he shook free of Akihiko’s grasp. “Excuse me.” Akihiko searched for something to say as he watched Misaki exit the condo into the cold autumn night.
He debated chasing after the boy, but decided it was best to heed his wishes; he’d have to make up for his selfish demands later. Akihiko cursed himself under his breath as he looked around the empty condo.