Chapter Text
“What did this little bean do today?”
Steve asks Bucky’s belly as he plops down beside him on the bed.
Kick me very hard on the ribs, Bucky wants to say but stops himself.
At four months, Bucky still doesn’t know how to react to the whole pregnancy thing. Not like Steve, who cried happy tears at the gynecologist's office when he was handed the sonogram and is always looking at Bucky like he hung the moon.
It hasn’t been that easy for Bucky.
He didn’t even know he could get pregnant after being submitted to chemical torture that messed with his endocrine system. But one day he was being dragged to the hospital when he woke up with nausea the whole day. But Bucky knows that he wishes Bucky was as excited as him and he hates to disappoint him.
As a response, Bucky just runs his fingers through Steve’s soft hair, which shines like beaten gold on the afternoon sun coming in through the window.
He wonders if their baby will have that same hair.
“You okay? How do you feel today?” Steve had both hands on top of his stomach now, trying to feel some of the baby’s kicking but Bucky’s pretty sure it’s sleeping now.
“Yeah, ‘m just tired,” Bucky mumbles, pressing his head against the memory foam pillow Steve got for him.
Steve doesn’t pressure him, he has not pressured him at all since they got the news.
“What did Fury say?”
Steve tenses, and suddenly, his expression turns serious. He sighs and sits up, he looks at him and caresses Bucky’s bump slowly as he speaks, “They need us for a stakeout. Twenty something days, if everything goes right.”
“When?” Bucky’s voice betrays him, his concern and resignation.
“Friday,” Steve responds, his gaze steady as he meets Bucky’s eyes. He can see the worry in Bucky’s expression and knows how important this moment is for both of them.
Bucky doesn't say anything, but his disappointment must be apparent on his face because Steve takes his hands in his, looking at him pitifully.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s a long time and so soon, but our intel on Fontaine says she’s moving operations to East Asia in September.”.
“The obstetrician checkup is next week,” Bucky mumbled, a hint of anxiety in his voice.
It’s not only that doctors freak him out, it’s that they freak him out so bad that last time he was in there, Steve had to hold his metal hand in case Bucky’s urge to lash out took over.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Steve said softly, his hand gently resting on Bucky’s shoulder. “I know how you feel around doctors, but Dr. Smith is very nice.”
Steve apologized sincerely about twenty more times, the furrow of his brow becoming larger every time.
Bucky took a deep breath and finally grabbed Steve’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay, I’ll make do.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” Steve insisted, his voice filled with determination.
“You don’t have to,” Bucky replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“Yes, I do,” Steve reaffirmed, his thumb brushing against Bucky’s cheek as he swept a strand of hair off his forehead tenderly. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
“Yeah,” Bucky says, and Steve’s lips are already on his neck. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m going to make it up to you, we have two days before I have to go, and I’m not letting you get out of bed.”
—
In the sterile ambiance of the obstetrician's office, Bucky finds himself perched uncomfortably on the edge of the examination table, his fingers drumming a nervous rhythm against his thigh. The soft hum of the fluorescent lights seems to amplify the tension in his muscles.
He feels small and vulnerable in the baby blue hospital gown they gave him to wear for his exam.
He sits there, swinging his socked feet, cursing Steve and Fury as he avoids looking at the metallic instruments neatly placed on a tray.
His eyes are instead fixed on a poster depicting the stages of cervical dilation needed for delivery and Bucky is getting lightheaded.
The knock on the door makes him whip his head and realize he is not only lightheaded, but also nauseous.
As the door swings open, Dr. Smith's warm smile offers a small beacon of comfort. "Hello, Bucky" she greets, her tone gentle.
"Hi," Bucky says, his voice betraying his unease as he shifts his weight.
“Where is Captain Rogers?”
Bucky swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "Couldn't make it," he mumbled, his disappointment like a dagger in his chest.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dr. Smith offered, her empathy genuine.
Bucky nodded, his eyes flickering to the sanitized equipment nearby. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to quell the nerves that threatened to engulf him.
Bucky sits back and lets her go about her job
Then, when she presses the ultrasound wand on his bare abdomen and the screen starts showing wave black and white lines, Dr. Smith gasps.
“There’s two sacs,” she says.
“What?”
“There’s two babies in here,” she states clearly.
Bucky can’t breathe right. “Two?”
“Yes, two,” she says, pressing the wand on a slightly different angle.
“Two?” Bucky says dumbly, and hears his own voice shrill and loud.
“That’s right.”
He stares at the screen but doesn’t see anything, he can’t feel anything or hear anything so maybe it’s him.
“You’re having twins.”
Bucky starts hearing a buzzing in his heat and his throat has closed up. “But I don’t see it…” He says, now his voice is broken and tiny like he is about to cry.
“Yes, see? Here is one…” Dr. Smith says slowly as she makes a circle on the screen with her gloved finger. “And there’s baby number two.”
Bucky gapes, scaring himself with how hard his heart is beating inside his chest.
“Okay Bucky, you gotta breathe,” Dr. Smith urges, coming to his side and putting a steadying hand on his shoulder.
“I’m okay,” Bucky gasps and swallows, but he can’t focus on anything besides getting out of there.
Dr. Smith makes sure Bucky's fine and dispatches him with a prescription for vitamins and a string of congratulations.
Bucky walks out of the hospital with wobbly knees but shakes it off, it’s probably the cold weather.
He fishes his phone out of his pocket, and stares at the blank screen. Steve.
Steve is in Yemen and he is completely out of reach, thanks to Fury and his stupid avenger work politics.
But how dare he leave him like that, right when he needs him the most.
How could he leave knowing that Bucky loathes hospitals and doctors and gynecologists and that he hasn’t been more freaked out like this since he worked his way through the worst of his PTSD–
When Bucky is back to his senses he realizes he is in a McDonald’s and has a greasy brown bag that smells like fries on one hand and a vanilla milkshake on the other.
Okay.
He must not think of how he dissociated again. He won’t, he’ll deal with that later.
He breathes deeply instead, just like his therapist taught him. He remembers how Steve would sit him down on Bucky’s favorite armchair to ease him out of a panic attack, taking deep breaths and telling him to copy him.
Steve.
He is in pain again, like there is a tiny black hole in his chest that is sucking the air out of him.
He won’t think of Steve either.
Bucky sits down on one of the plastic booths by the far corner where there are fewer people. Okay, he might as well eat his fries and drink his milkshake, right now he’ll just focus on that.
God, twins. He doesn’t even know how to feel about one baby but now there’s two?
Two babies growing to full term inside him, and two births, and two little children depending entirely on Bucky and Bucky’s well-being. He doesn’t know if he can do that, maybe if nothing had happened, if there hadn’t been any war to die for—
His thoughts are interrupted by the joyful screams of children flooding into the play area. One kid is wearing a jacket with Winnie the Pooh in it and is tying up a young kid's shoe laces and something in Bucky’s heart makes a flip.
His hand comes up to feel his baby bump, feeling a fluttery emotion he can’t understand. All he knows is that he wants Steve, he wants to tell him that he made not one baby in him but two, he wants him to hold him against his chest and tell him everything is going to be alright, because it is only when Steve says it that Bucky believes it.
When he comes back home he sits on the bathtub with a blanket around him, and a bag of gummy bears Steve bought for him on their last trip to the supermarket. He has turned on the television in the bedroom to hear something and not feel completely alone, some question game show is playing, and he tries his best to pay attention to that as he tears the package open and starts popping the gummies in his mouth.
He doesn’t know how long it will take until he’s halfway done with the package, he is just mad because Debbie got the What’s the capital of Peru question wrong and then…
Something is chasing him but… it isn’t just him, he realizes he has two blond-haired babies in his arms. The babies are crying and he doesn’t know what to do but grip them tighter and closer to his chest. He starts running down a dark corridor that looks like an abandoned hospital. There are dying lights flickering above him and as Bucky looks for an exit he hears steps behind them.
There is a door at the end of the hallway and Bucky shushes the babies quietly as he reaches for it, but when he grabs the doorknob and turns it it doesn’t open. Bucky’s heart sinks to his stomach. He holds the babies heads against his chest and as he turns he sees it.
The winter soldier.
It happens in a second. The mask of the soldier only lets Bucky see his… his own raged ice cold eyes, and then there’s a gun against Bucky’s forehead.
Bucky is screaming when he wakes up.
“Shh, shh, hey.”
Bucky doesn’t find out who it is, just swings a punch at the intruder but they duck instantly, aware that Bucky would try to attack them as soon as he woke up.
“Fuck– Nat–!” Bucky gasps.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Then don’t break in!” Bucky closes his eyes and lays his head on the edge of the tub.
“You okay? I called and texted you but you didn’t answer.” she says, looking closely at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Bucky gulps and brings his hand to his stomach unconsciously. “I fell asleep.”
Nat eyes him and squints, like she knows he was having a nightmare, a bad one but seems him well enough not to bring it up.
“I thought you were with the rest of ‘em.”
“Nah, I stayed behind. Last minute emergency.”
Nat doesn’t disclose many details about their missions When they’re taking down Hydra bases. Neither does Steve, neither does Sam. Bucky is thankful about that. Before she leaves, she makes sure Bucky is well-fed, has taken his vitamins, and has forgotten about missing Steve or freaking out about his pregnancy over a game of Sorry! .
—
The next day Bucky is awakened by the painful and urgent need to puke.
He runs to the bathroom and slams the lid open just in time to empty the contents of his stomach.
He had not experienced morning sickness in almost three weeks, and he thought he had surpassed that pregnancy milestone.
Apparently he was wrong.
When he’s done throwing up he groans and wipes the sweat from his brow.
During his bouts of morning sickness, before he even realized it was more than a stomach bug, Steve would comfort him by gently massaging his back, handing over his toothbrush and toothpaste, then carefully guiding him back to bed. There, he'd plant a gentle kiss on his forehead and offer soothing sips of ice water through a straw.
But Bucky is okay, he is missing Steve like he misses a part of his soul but he is not going to cry.
Bucky's stomach has settled down after the bout of morning sickness, leaving him feeling drained yet relieved. Slowly, he crawls back into bed, wincing slightly at the exhaustion that weighs on his limbs. As he nestles into the covers, his eyes fall on Steve's hoodie draped over a nearby chair. It is worn and comfortable, Bucky loves that hoodie. Without hesitation, he reaches for it,
pulling the soft fabric over his shoulders.
He hates being alone. He has learned from therapy that being home alone doesn’t necessarily mean he is being watched, or that someone is about to break in. Although it’s possible. But he can defend himself, he was the freaking winter soldier, wasn’t he?
The memory of the nightmare he had floods his mind. It comes back to that fact in the end. Bucky is still running from Hydra, but he can’t run from it if Hydra still lives in him somewhere.
His face crumples as a sob wrecks him through his chest.
He shuts his eyes and rubs his arms in search of some comfort. Those fucking self hatred thoughts, he can’t believe he is brooding about a stupid nightmare while Steve is out there actually facing the criminals that he once worked along with.
He shouldn’t be worrying about himself, but what if Steve doesn’t come back? He isn’t very careful and besides anything could go wrong, for fuck’s sake Bucky knows how many times he got Steve out of the enemies mil-dots.
What would Bucky do then? But Steve doesn’t care. Bucky can see him running in front of bullets and jumping on top of grenades for the sake of his team but what about him?
He 's left alone.
Bucky shivers and cries harder. It hurts, it’s that specific hurt when he breathes, Bucky hates that.
He is alone.
He is alone and Steve doesn’t love enough to stick around with him.
He’d thought he had done good in therapy, god, he tried to be good but is he no good for Steve to choose him over his rage and responsibility.
His sobs intensify, it aches in his stomach when his breath hitches but there’s something there other than ache.
The kick feels like a call for attention. Like the babies, both of them are asking Bucky to remember them. It surprises Bucky so much he actually stops crying. He realizes how hard his heart is beating and thinks maybe that's why the babies woke up. He clutches his bump with a newly found worry to hurt them. They kick him again, not painfully like before either, just their tiny limbs moving around inside him.
They’re announcing themselves, because they’ll be a part of him forever. Steve’s babies. And he loves them so much already even though he hasn’t even met them yet. How could Bucky not love them the same amount? He bets they’ll be just like Steve. And they’ll be with Bucky no matter what, even if Steve isn’t.
The babies kick him some more and Bucky has never felt so much love. He doesn’t know if he can count on Steve being there for both of the little ones, but Bucky surely will be.