Chapter Text
James’ years at Hogwarts were easily some of the best he’s ever had. From the moment he stepped onto the Hogwarts Express with Peter and locked eyes on a pale, black-haired boy with an almost wolfish grin, he’d been on a collision course for chaos. After getting sorted into the same house and dragging a reluctant, shy Remus into their group, all of them became inseparable. The four of them routinely caused mayhem at every chance they got, despite Remus’ half-hearted protests.
In their second year, Sirius proudly dragged his younger brother into their compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Regulus was small and thin with an upturned nose and a scowl etched on his face. He would’ve looked like Sirius’ twin if their demeanors weren’t so different. He was much more closed off than his brother, but James couldn’t help but be intrigued by him.
Clearly, Sirius’ hope was that his brother would get sorted into Gryffindor and that their group would gain another member. But as the sorting hat yelled ‘Slytherin’ across the Great Hall, those dreams disappeared quickly.
James was a bit too preoccupied to get too invested in the way the brothers tried and failed to connect over the next couple of years. A certain beautiful redhead had a vice grip on his attention. For years, he flirted with Lily. For years, she continued to reject him.
They played pranks, got detentions, snuck around at night under James’ invisibility cloak, and became notorious for their antics relatively quickly. It came as a shock to absolutely no one that James and Sirius both decided to join the quidditch team in their third year. A cheering crowd at every game seemed right up their alley.
James thought this would impress Lily. It did not. He tried to pretend that it didn’t sting.
Sirius and Regulus continued to try and make their relationship work. James wasn’t sure if it actually was, but he was hopeful. He got a kick out of Sirius’ sarcastic and snippy brother and wanted him to stick around. It was his personal mission to get him to crack a smile one day. He hadn’t succeeded yet.
They were a bit preoccupied with studying to become animagi for the next couple of years, only succeeding in their fifth year. Remus had never looked happier than the morning after their first night in the shrieking shack together. He almost looked at peace.
James finally gave up on his efforts to woo Lily. He knew when it was time to admit defeat.
They started seeing more of Regulus in their 6th year. He seemed tired of his housemates who’d become increasingly preoccupied with some pretty awful political views and their families’ expectations for them after they graduated. No wonder the Marauders’ carefree, “out of sight out of mind” attitude to the world around them was appealing to him.
Remus and Sirius finally put everyone out of their misery by kissing at the Gryffindor Halloween party that year. It was getting exhausting watching them dance around each other for as long as James could remember. Unfortunately, now it was just as exhausting to walk into their shared dorm room and find them in compromising positions. They never quite grasped the concept of locking the door.
James had remained single. He refused to acknowledge why he stayed that way when people asked, but he had a pretty good idea why.
At the end of their sixth year, Regulus accidentally smiled at one of James’ jokes as they were walking through a courtyard. He wasn’t able to suppress it before James got a glimpse of it. He felt warm throughout his entire body.
It was the first time he admitted to himself that Regulus was beautiful.
But by their seventh year, even the Marauders couldn’t ignore their looming responsibilities after graduation anymore. Their youthful ignorance had finally run out.
They were running out of time.
—
Today was a truly devastating loss.
They weren’t supposed to lose against Slytherin. They still had a chance at the Cup, but even James wasn’t immune to how disheartening today’s match was.
It was so rare for Gryffindor tower to be rendered completely silent. There were only a few students quietly studying in the common room when he passed through. They sent some quiet ‘good job’s his way that they seemed to sincerely mean. He didn’t know if he felt the same.
He’d been distracted. He never gets distracted.
But Regulus had been searching for the snitch closer to the rest of the players than usual. Normally, James didn’t pay much attention to another team’s seeker, especially if they weren’t in his eye line. Normally, he didn’t get distracted by the mere sight of Regulus.
But lately, it was harder to ignore the other boy. James was hopeless.
Even if he hadn’t been distracted– as much as he hated to admit it– Slytherin won their first match of the year fair and square. Today, they were simply the better team. To James, that hurt more than having an excuse for why they lost.
Remus had offered to walk with Sirius around the castle (after curfew of course) so he could look at the stars and talk through his feelings. James let them take the invisibility cloak. He didn’t anticipate needing it tonight since he wasn’t in the mood to wander around the castle after losing the way they did.
Peter was already fast asleep with his curtains drawn by the time James reached their dorm. He snorted. Peter got here no more than thirty minutes before he did, but this kid could fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
Flopping onto his bed and feeling a bit nosey, he pulled out the Marauders map from under the mess on his nightstand. He figured there might be something comforting about watching his friends’ path around the castle. After searching for a few seconds, he found them unmoving by the Black Lake.
His nose scrunched.
Nevermind then. He didn’t even want to wonder why they wouldn’t be moving.
Lazily looking across the rest of the map, his eyes noticed the Slytherin common room was packed with constantly moving name tags. Partying. Mocking him through the parchment. With a huff, he directed his attention to the rest of the map before freezing.
Regulus won the match, but he wasn’t at the party.
He was in the Astronomy tower.
Alone.
James should have thought about his actions before they happened. He should have talked himself out of slowly getting out of bed and hastily throwing on a maroon sweater and shoes. He should have reconsidered as he snuck out into the empty corridors with the map clutched tightly in his hand. He should have chickened out before tucking the folded map into his back pocket and climbing up the ladder.
There are a lot of ‘should have’s in James’s life. He rarely follows them.
The sounds of him climbing up the stairs of the Astronomy tower did not seem to startle the other boy. It was almost impossible to truly sneak up on Regulus. The Slytherin boy remained stock still, leaning on the railing with straight arms and a tight grip, and staring at the sky. His hair looked a bit damp with looser curls than normal and he’d changed into a black knit sweater to pair with his uniform pants.
James walked slowly to the spot next to him, shoving his hands in his pockets. He chose to direct his gaze at the sky even though he could feel Regulus observing him. He knew what face he’d be making.
Regulus always looked at him strangely. It was a facial expression that James repeatedly failed to decipher. It wasn’t exactly warm, but it also wasn’t his normally cold and composed demeanor. He wondered if Regulus looked at anyone else like that. He also didn’t know if it was a good thing.
“How often do you come up here?” James asked softly. He felt a little guilty that his words were breaking the silence.
Regulus took some time before answering. Probably debating if he’d lie. He tends to do that.
“Almost every night,” he finally replied emotionlessly.
James furrowed his brow and finally looked at the other boy.
There’s that look.
“Why?”
He tilted his head from side to side in thought before answering. “It’s peaceful up here. Quiet. Can hear myself think.”
James hummed, letting the silent night wash over him. Trying to take in how the grounds below look from this angle, covered in a cloak of darkness. He was attempting to see what Regulus sees.
“You’re not supposed to be up here,” Regulus taunted. James could still feel his eyes on him.
He couldn’t stop the light teasing that made its way into his voice. “It’s after curfew so neither are you. At least I’m a prefect.”
Regulus went on as if James never spoke. Clearly, the curfew wasn’t what he’d been referring to. “He’s going to be mad.”
“Can’t imagine why,” James chuckled.
For a moment, James saw flashes of how the brothers had gone at each other in the corridor between classes today. Their tentative relationship over the past six years had been cordial at best and volatile at worst. On some days, Regulus would choose to spend time with the Marauders lounging by the Black Lake, studying with Remus and James in the library, and maybe spending time with his brother in Hogsmeade. On others, the Black brothers would verbally snipe in the hallways until they had to be physically separated, like today. They always argued in hushed tones, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what it was about. The whole school understood without ever hearing a single argument.
Regulus hadn’t cast Sirius aside the way their parents had. But, to Sirius, he might as well have.
The younger boy narrowed his eyes at James to the point that his grey eyes almost disappeared.
“Spit it out.” James just stared blankly at him until Regulus rolled his eyes. “Whatever you came here to say. Spit it out.”
He crossed his arms over his chest defensively and turned his body to face Regulus. “You think I’m here to interrogate you or something?”
Absolutely.
But James wasn’t going to admit that. When the brothers got this bad, Regulus tended to steer clear of all of the Marauders, but every so often would check in with Moony or himself. He was determined not to lose that privilege. So, he chose a different question than the one he came here to ask.
“Wouldn’t you rather be at the party?” James prodded tentatively, now tugging at the end of his sweater. “They’re celebrating because of you.”
Regulus didn’t ask how he knew about the party. He seemed to accept that Sirius and James had some method of tracking people long ago and didn’t question it further. Knowing him, he probably figured out how they did it by now. Regulus tends to just… know things somehow.
“Parties aren’t really my thing,” Regulus stated plainly.
“I know. I just figured…I think we’re all looking for some reasons to celebrate right now. To be happy.”
“I’m happy enough right here.”
“Looking at the stars?”
“Looking at the stars.” He paused for a moment. “Alone.”
“Oh.” James shuffled awkwardly. “Would you like me to-“
“You can stay,” Regulus cut in. James fought to hold in his sigh of relief.
“Oh,” he repeatedly less pitifully. “Well, good. I wanted to talk to you.”
“Why?” Regulus asked dryly. “Are you mad at me too?”
“No. Not mad. We just haven’t really gotten a chance to talk this term with… everything going on between you two.” He couldn’t miss how Regulus visibly tensed. “Just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Considering I’m not the one with the problem, I’m fine,” Regulus huffed. His knuckles had turned shockingly white from gripping the railing so tight.
James chose his next words very carefully. He didn’t want to lose one of his few chances to check in with the other boy. Their conversations had become less frequent already and he didn’t need to give Regulus more reason to shut him out altogether.
“We missed you over the summer.”
Regulus turned his attention back to the stars, searching for something. “I sincerely doubt that.”
“Sirius wanted you there,” James offered.
“Sirius wants a lot of things.”
He paused before continuing.
“I wanted you there.”
“Well,” Regulus answered quietly, “I was busy.”
“You didn’t have to be,” James mumbled. “You don’t have to stay in that house the whole break. You know that.”
“The spare becomes the heir,” Regulus sighed. “Not much anyone can do about it.”
The air was shifting. A topic was poking and prodding at their conversation, making itself known, demanding to be addressed, looming over their heads.
“You can always do something about it,” he offered.
Regulus considered James for a moment with calculating grey eyes before humming in acknowledgment. He wasn’t sure if Regulus knew how overwhelming his gaze was. He could never get enough of it.
“You would believe that.”
James’ shoulders fell of their own accord. “So, you’ve decided then? You’re picking them.”
Regulus’ gaze turned cold and composed. The way he looked at everyone else. It made James’ insides squirm.
“I don’t decide anything.”
“It’s your life,” James countered. He wasn’t sure why he thought this conversation would go any differently. But, in his typical optimistic fashion, he had to try anyway.
But Regulus was already shaking his head slowly. “Not anymore.”
“If you don’t want to-“
“James,” he warned.
“I just don’t understand how-“
“Stop,” he cut in sharply before looking back up at the sky. “I’m not doing this with you right now.”
James’ jaw ticked before he snapped, “The stars aren’t going anywhere. This is important.” His comment worked. Regulus turned back to glare at him fully now.
“Oh, now it’s important. Now that you’re realizing I’m not choosing this. That I’m not some blood purity obsessed, horrible person who’s willingly choosing my fucked up family.”
He softened at that. “I don’t think that. I’ve never thought that.”
Regulus brushed off his comments with a wave of his hand. “Sure.”
“We all have agency though.” James was trying not to plead. “You don’t have to get trapped in that house.”
“It’s done. It’s already been decided.”
“So, there’s nothing I can do. Is there?”
Despite his words, there was still a bit of hope in James’ voice. Hope that the other boy would miraculously cave. Hope that he would ask for help. Hope for anything besides the same fruitless conversation they have over and over again. Regulus’s jaw was seconds from tearing out of his skin with how hard he was clenching it.
“You only got the chance to save one of us and you already chose which one. Deal with it.”
Oh.
That…that hurt.
“I didn’t know it was a choice,” James whispered, now feeling helpless.
“Doesn’t change it,” Regulus shrugged.
James felt his face crumble. He must have looked more pitiful than he felt because Regulus’ face started to soften. For a moment, he looked like Reg. Like the boy he was friends with (or at least he thought they were friends. He was never really sure what to call what they were). He looked like the boy he wanted to be more than friends with.
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Regulus said carefully. “I just wish sometimes…”
“…that I’d give up?” he tried.
“That you’d stop caring so much.”
“You know I can’t do that,” James countered firmly.
“Why?” His eyes were openly searching James’ face for something.
James wasn’t ready to answer that truthfully. Unfortunately, he was never good at keeping a straight face. Of course, Regulus caught it.
“Don’t lie.”
With a sigh, he gave in. “Because you’re important.”
“To what?” Regulus scoffed.
He stared at the younger boy in disbelief.
“You’re important to me.”
For some reason, Regulus didn’t seem to expect that answer and stared at him. That unreadable expression was back on his face. James wasn’t sure how long they stood there in silence.
Abruptly, Regulus finally let go of the railing and turned on his heel, leaving James in the Astronomy tower without a word.
James wasn’t really sure how to take that.
—
The next night, James checked the map and there he was. Exact same spot.
Alone.
He shouldn’t go. He shouldn’t cross the lines drawn in the sand. He shouldn’t chase something that you can never grasp. He shouldn’t have secret meetings while his best friend was asleep in his bed, unaware.
James Potter tends to do things he shouldn’t.