Work Text:
Brendon,
Hi, it's Ryan. Ryan Ross. You probably don't remember me... Or I hope you do. How come you don't talk about me? I certainly remember you. How could I forget you? You changed my life...
I remember the day you walked into our garage and thinking that we were going to be friends, or maybe more. I remember our first kiss. You had taken me into your bedroom to hang after band practice. We were on your bed, watching the movie. Rather, you were watching whilst I admired you. 'Can I try something?' I had asked. You said yes. I kissed you.
The truth behind this letter is that I miss you.
I miss your embrace, your smell, your touch. I think most of all I miss your love. I miss the nights in the tour bus where you would sneak into my bunk. I'd always be asleep but my arms always found you.
I would always find you.
I miss the looks we'd give each other, the ones of pure adoration. I miss the quick brush of our hands, fingertips. I miss our quick stolen kisses when we were sure no one was watching. I miss our quick fucks before stage. You always found a way to rid me of my nerves.
I miss the way you'd say my name. It wasn't different, but it seemed special when you said it.
A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted, mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.
But our time alone together was always my favourite. Where we could be who we wanted to be, love who we wanted to love, kiss who we wanted to kiss. You were always one for cuddles. I miss that too. I miss when we would fuck at home, where I could make you as loud as I wanted. You would always try to be quiet, but I knew what worked on you.
You were my dirty little secret, Brendon. We never made it official, I suppose I just presumed we were. I guess we weren't, we're we?
We almost did.
Almost made it official, we almost fell in love together.
I have a girlfriend. She doesn't help me the way you did. I still get those nightmares, the memories of my father still haunt me. She can't calm me down like you used to. I think she's scared of me. It's hard to not be scared when you're scaring someone. She wasn't there when it happened.
You were.
You were always there, Brendon.
She's nothing like you Brendon. She doesn't know me like you do. I think I could love her. I'm allowed to love her though, just like you fell in love with Sarah.
I remember that day clearly. I bet you don't. I remember making love to you, sweet and gentle. I remember saying 'I love you'. You didn't say it back. 'I know'. I said it again, but you replied the same. I remember getting frustrated, going harder, rougher, always saying 'I love you'.
'I loved you'.
That memory hurts me the most.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
You don't love me anymore, I still love you. I always will.
How could I fall out of love with you? You were my forever, Brendon,
and I was your's.
You were my everything, Brendon. You were the sunshine when I would only see grey clouds and stormy skies, you were the stars and the moon that lit up the dark night sky. You were the oxygen filling my lungs on the inhale, and the carbon dioxide that left my lungs on the exhale. You were the blood that flowed through my veins. You were my lifeline.
Were.
We were something... something extraordinary in my eyes. Now you never mention me, deny our relationship, make fun of my band, the songs I wrote for you.
Are you ashamed of me? I'd never be ashamed of you.
We were extraordinary, Brendon.
I miss you.
I miss us.
You'll always be my boy, even if I can't be yours.
Always.
Yours, forever,
Ryan x
P.S. Oh, and happy 10th anniversary. I'm not talking about the album.