Chapter Text
“Are you with me, Jean?”
“Hmm?” Jean’s head snaps up and he blinks. “Sorry, I’m a little fried, I didn’t hear what you said.”
“That’s fine, I’ll summarize. We were talking about your concerns around navigating sessions when you feel as though you’re losing control to the client,” Jean’s supervisor says, watching Jean placidly, bright blue eyes piercing behind wire rimmed glasses.
“I was curious when in particular you find this issue is coming up for you.”
“Right...” Jean takes a breath and crosses then uncrosses his arms, not quite meeting Dr. Smith’s level gaze. “I find myself getting frustrated when we get off topic or when I feel the client isn’t working on their end to form a partnership with me—like they’re ignoring their own goals that they set.”
“And this bothers you because…” Dr. Smith leaves space for Jean to fill in the blank.
“Because…” Jean sighs, “well it’s because I’m afraid of being ineffective. And if I’m not in control… I feel powerless and unprepared for where I’m going to end up. I mean, where the session will end up,” he amends, a beat too late for Dr. Smith not to pick up on it.
Dr. Smith nods, understanding, and mercifully storing that thread about Jean’s personal life for another time. “That’s a perfectly normal reaction to a perceived loss of control. However, I want you to consider if there’s merit, for both the client and yourself, in going with the flow as well.” Jean makes an effort to unclench his jaw, a bad habit signaling a rising stress level.
“Something you find to be off topic,” Dr. Smith continues, “might reveal a missing puzzle piece, or uncover a client’s core belief about the world or themselves. But you have to be willing to go on the journey with them every now and then.”
Jean hums in agreement, “Makes sense.”
“And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is very little in life we can control, no?”
“Just my actions and my reactions,” Jean nods with an exasperated smile. They’ve been over this before.
“Alright, so before we close, I would like to suggest some sort of mindfulness activity. It can be meditation or it can be picking up a new hobby or diving back into an old one. Something that, while you’re doing it, keeps you focused in the present. Maintaining a present-focus can help minimize anxiety because it is impossible to worry about the future if you are living in the now. The longer you work at it, the easier it will be to join with your clients in the now without focusing too heavily on the results.”
“I’ll work on it. I’ll think of something,” Jean says, taking Dr. Smith’s cue signaling the end of their session and rising alongside him.
“Ok Jean, I hope you have a pleasant weekend and I’ll see you in class next week.” Jean slings his book bag over his shoulder and pulls open the door, waving as he steps across the threshold.
***
MB: How’d it go today babe?
The text from Marco comes through just after Jean makes it back to his apartment. He shrugs off his bag and jacket, hanging them each neatly on their designated hooks by the door and toes off his shoes.
That’s sweet, Jean thinks, dropping down onto the couch in his living room with a heavy sigh. Even multiple time zones away, Marco not only remembers Jean’s trepidation about his supervisory appointment today but also stayed up to check in about it.
Admitting he’s struggling with something isn’t Jean’s strong suit, so he really does appreciate being able to come to Marco in those times where he feels like he will collapse without support. It had been a few weeks since his internship counseling in the undergrad student health center had started and he was feeling utterly lost and hopeless. Admitting to Marco that he didn’t think he was doing a good job was the main reason he was able to bring his concerns to Dr. Smith in the first place.
Not horrible, he types, then deletes it.
JK: Hey stud ;) it went well thanks. I’m sure it’s past your bedtime but let’s do a video call soon?
Ellipses appear as Marco types for a moment.
MB: I’d love to.
Miss you. Please be safe, Jean types and deletes.
JK: Miss you!
He regrets cutting Marco’s entreaty short but he couldn’t keep up their routine tonight.
Marco would always be a question mark for Jean. The age-old cliche: best friends or first loves. Jean thinks it’s probably both. Marco remains circumspect. Jean tries not to feel like Marco moved halfway around the world after high school so as not to address the issue. Of course Marco was dedicated to his philanthropy work, building homes and offering aid to those in need, but it just seems sometimes like he couldn’t get away from Jean fast enough.
I’m being unkind, Jean thinks. Adolescence is hard to begin with, and it’s not like Jean dealt with his feelings well either. We both did the best we could at the time.
Even still, Jean treasures those fumbling kisses in the dark, tucked away in someone’s sibling’s bedroom at a weeknight house party. The quiet confessions on the phone in the early hours of the morning. But in the end neither was willing to give up what they had already built for something new.
Unwilling or unable?
Jean, for his part, thinks that if Marco made the leap, he could’ve plunged in headfirst.
Pushing thoughts of freckles and big puppy dog eyes to the back of his mind, Jean reaches for a legal pad on his side table filled with client notes to review before his morning sessions at the center.