Archive of Our Own

Getting trapped in the middle of the woods in China was not on Seonghwa’s 2023 Bingo Card. It was a series of fantastically unlucky events that had landed him in this little cabin, twenty kilometers away from the nearest town with nearly two meters of snow covering the ground. Originally, he and Hongjoong were supposed to come out to this quaint little vacation home with a small crew of staff to film some winter content for Atinys- meanwhile, San and Yeosang were filming in Japan, Yunho and Mingi were in Canada, and Wooyoung and Jongho were in the UK. It was supposed to be a whole Thing. However, a mishap with flight schedules accidentally had Seonghwa and Hongjoong on a slightly earlier flight than the rest of their staff. The change of plans resulted in the duo filming themselves with handhelds and go-pros while they sorted out getting to the cabin on their own.

Just to then find out that an impending storm had canceled their staff’s flight. This news came only about an hour or so after they arrived at the cabin but that had been enough time for the first dusting of snow to start descending from the sky. When they called back the taxi service that had brought them there in the first place, no one was willing to ascend the mountain anymore. They were trapped. Thankfully, the cabin had been well stocked in anticipation for their arrival, so food and such wasn’t an issue. They’d be fine for the next few days, maybe a week, and it’d probably be safe to leave well before then anyways. Hongjoong didn’t seem very comforted by that. Seonghwa couldn’t entirely blame him, the view outside was concerning to say the least. It looked as though the snow might actually be taller than either of them if they were to step outside, yet the snow was still coming down with no indication of stopping any time soon.

Hongjoong hovered by the window of the second floor bedroom, staring out into the dark flurried weather. Worry creased his face. Seonghwa had seen this look on him before but he’d never quite figured out what it meant. It was different from the worry he wore when preparing for a comeback or when he had fallen behind on creating a song. It wasn’t the worry that revealed stress resulting from the kind of jobs they’d chosen for themselves. It seemed to come at odd times, when the group was deciding on sleeping arrangements or shower schedules, or when their stylists were suggesting stage outfits that were a bit more revealing than usual. He’d seen it at its peak once when Hongjoong had misplaced some medication he takes but, since Hongjoong refused to tell anyone what the medication was or why he needed it, Seonghwa hadn’t been able to figure out how it was connected to the other instances. Now, Seonghwa wondered if that had something to do with it. Maybe Hongjoong hadn’t brought it with him or he’d run out before they were able to return to Korea.

If that was the case, Seonghwa imagined there wasn’t much he could do to comfort Hongjoong. Not that he really knew how to comfort him. Hongjoong was an aggressively independent person, he didn’t like talking about his feelings and always insisted on putting on a brave face for everyone else. Any verbal attempts Seonghwa had made at comforting him were always met with something along the lines of-

“Hyung, what is this? I’m fine! Why are you worrying about me? Seriously, I’m totally fine. Are you okay?”

-laughing all the while to show how totally fine he was. Comforting Hongjoong with physical touch, like Seonghwa could do with the others, was totally out of the question. He hated skinship more than anyone else. Even Jongho occasionally folded and let Yeosang hold his hand or Wooyoung jump on his back. Hongjoong wouldn’t tolerate any of it. Never had, not with any of them, and it was unlikely he’d suddenly start tonight. Sighing, Seonghwa left Hongjoong alone to deal with it himself and made his way back downstairs.

After having a single instant noodle for his dinner, Seonghwa spent the rest of the evening playing Animal Crossing and enjoying the little impromptu break he was getting from work. As usual, Seonghwa got so wrapped up in his in-game tasks that he completely lost track of time, having no reason to know how late it was when he had no reason to be up at any particular time the next morning. What finally pulled his attention from the screen was the slow realization that the temperature in the room had dropped considerably. It’d been fairly chilly when they arrived but not so much so that either of them had put much effort into hunting down the thermostat. Hongjoong was preoccupied with his own mental conundrums and Seonghwa had been comfortable enough, up until this point, in his sweatpants and hoodie to not care about the chill. His clothes alone weren’t enough to keep him comfortable anymore. Even the throw blanket he’d pulled off the back of the couch to cover himself with wasn’t doing the trick.

It was cold. Seonghwa abandoned his virtual tropical island in favour of wandering the cabin, looking for some way to turn up the heat. It was not lost on him that there was a fireplace in the cabin, he was just really hoping that wasn’t meant to be the only source of warmth. As far as he could tell, there wasn’t any firewood to use and, as far as he knew, neither he nor Hongjoong knew how to build a fire. The situation was certainly starting to look that way, though. Seonghwa scoured every inch of every wall and couldn’t find a thermostat. It was cold enough now for him to see his breath and he was beginning to worry just how much more the temperature would drop as the night progressed. A quick glance at his phone told him it was already 2°C and a more lengthy look at the local weather forecast told him it would dip as low as -7°C. Seonghwa swallowed hard.

The cabin had a total of four bedrooms. Seonghwa stripped the bedding off one and brought it to Hongjoong, explaining the situation with the dropping temperature. Hongjoong thanked him and the worry on his face deepened ever-so-slightly, but he didn’t say anything else. Seonghwa then stripped a second bed and went off to burrow himself into the last bed. It helped enough that Seonghwa was able to fall asleep relatively easily, since he usually slept better when it was cold anyways. That only lasted so long before it was cold enough to permeate the blankets and creep into his bones. He dreaded stepping out of what little warmth was still hoarded under the blankets but he managed to tear himself from the bed to go digging through his bags. With two more pairs of socks, another layer of sweatpants, and his puffy winter coat on, Seonghwa huddled back into the bed and tried to go back to sleep.

That worked for… maybe an hour. Seonghwa turned on his phone screen, grimacing at the clock flashing 3:45am, and grimacing even more to see that the temperature had plummeted well past -7°C and was now at -12°C. It was unbearable now. Seonghwa was desperate to escape the cold and he prayed that Hongjoong was just as desperate. His heart pounded as he gathered up all his bedding and trudged down the hall to where Hongjoong was sleeping. To his dismay and near-heart attack, Hongjoong shot up the second Seonghwa’s knee begun putting pressure on the bed.

“What are you doing?” Hongjoong asked, groggy but still just as defensive as always.

“Hongjoong…” Seonghwa’s jaw clenched. “It’s fucking freezing. Literally. I don’t know how you can stand it but I can’t.”

The dim blue light reflecting off the snow outside illuminated Seonghwa enough for Hongjoong to look him up and down.

“I’m not cuddling with you.”

Seonghwa bit back the twinge of hurt he felt. “That’s fine, I just want to share blankets. These things are way too thin.”

Hongjoong nodded and fell back against his pillow. Faced with no more complaints, Seonghwa finished crawling into the bed and pulled all four layers of blankets over him. It shouldn’t have bothered him, Seonghwa knew Hongjoong hated skinship, but something about the fact that Hongjoong felt like he had to even say it had made it hurt that much more. It made him feel like Hongjoong thought he was predatory, like he had to say it lest Seonghwa get ideas and try to touch him in his sleep. It made him sick. Hongjoong was supposed to be his friend, why did it repulse him so much to sleep beside him?

At the first light of morning rays shining through the window, Seonghwa opened his eyes and saw that Hongjoong had already vacated the bed. It was warm enough now for Seonghwa to kick the blankets off but he kept his extra layers of clothes for now. Before concerning himself with figuring out breakfast, Seonghwa prioritized searching the cabin again. It was obvious that there was no hope of finding a thermostat but he found it hard to believe that they’d been meant to spend five days here but no one had left a supply of firewood to keep warm. The cabin was stocked with food, the bathroom had guest soaps and towels, so surely there was some supply of firewood somewhere for them to use. Seonghwa really didn’t want to go through another night as frigid as the last, especially if Hongjoong was going to keep being weird about sharing a bed with him.

Alas, the search was still fruitless. Out of desperation, Seonghwa zipped up his jacket and slipped into his shoes to attempt slipping out the back door. If there was no firewood inside, perhaps there was a nearby shed or something that contained the winter’s supply. Seonghwa was immediately blinded by the brilliant white light reflecting off the snow and nearly paralyzed by the frigid morning air that cut straight through his layers. Perhaps it was best if he waited til the sun was a little higher in the sky and the day had the chance to warm up some. Just as he closed the door again and began kicking off his shoes, Seonghwa heard Hongjoong leaving the upstairs bathroom. Filing the task away for later, Seonghwa set to rifling through the food supply to find something to make for breakfast, hoping that might be enough to bribe his friend out of his foul mood.

Oddly enough… Hongjoong’s mood was already back to normal by the time he joined Seonghwa for breakfast. It was as though the night before had never happened. Hongjoong was smiling and joking with Seonghwa like normal. Maybe nothing was up with him after all. Maybe he had just been jet lagged and frustrated and Seonghwa had read too into it. That seemed as good an explanation as any and Seonghwa shrugged it off, forgetting about it and settling back into his usual banter with Hongjoong. Despite the circumstances, they did their best to film themselves anyways. The plans had changed considerably, they had only the cameras they could hold themselves instead of a full staff like they were supposed to, but that wasn’t a reason not to provide the content they’d promised to Atinys. Besides, filming was a good distraction from the anxiety of being trapped in the middle of the Chinese wilderness with no clear point of rescue.

~.~.~

Seonghwa cursed at himself when he realized that night had fallen. He’d been so wrapped up with enjoying the day with Hongjoong, he’d completely forgotten about trying to find firewood until it was already too dark for him to feel like it was safe to go outside. Hongjoong would just have to swallow whatever pride or sense of propriety was making him weird about sharing a bed for one more night, then Seonghwa would make certain to go out tomorrow and try to find fuel for the fireplace.

“No.” Hongjoong said simply.

Seonghwa’s skin prickled with irritation. “Why are you being so difficult about this?”

Hongjoong scoffed as though Seonghwa was the one making it a big deal. “You know I don’t like sleeping near other people, why are you so Hellbent on pushing my boundaries?”

“I’m not trying to-” Seonghwa bent his head, facing the ground to hide the heat growing on his cheeks. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. But it’s not like I’m doing this to try to get into your pants, you know. It’s fucking freezing in here at night and it’s only supposed to get worse.”

A series of emotions flickered behind Hongjoong’s eyes, each no more identifiable than the last. Seonghwa tried to parse out what argument his friend was trying to form, preparing himself for some jabs about how weird it’d be for two men to be sharing a bed or how Hongjoong didn’t trust him not to make a move on him.

“Whatever.” Hongjoong still looked angry but the fire had been replaced with dejection. “Do whatever you want, just stay on your side of the bed.”

Pushing back the urge to snap back something equally hurtful, Seonghwa simply nodded and crawled into the nest of blankets, making sure to keep an uncomfortable distance between them. He was used to being rejected by his crushes- or, at least, knowing his feelings weren’t reciprocated- but this back and forth with Hongjoong was more hurtful than Seonghwa’s past rejections. For starters, Seonghwa had never been brave enough to actually vocalize his crushes in the past, so he had only himself and the way society was structured to break his heart. That fact remained consistent with Hongjoong but it seemed to Seonghwa that his friend had somehow figured it out anyways and, instead of addressing it head on, had resorted to making these little jabs. It would have hurt less, Seonghwa thought, if Hongjoong could have just told him to his face that he wasn’t gay and Seonghwa didn’t have a chance with him in a million years, than to keep reminding him with thinly veiled orders to stay on his own side of the bed, don’t touch him, don’t do this or that or-

Seonghwa rolled over, facing away from Hongjoong. There was a pettiness building inside of him, a darkness Seonghwa hated falling into that liked to urge him to confront Hongjoong, to grab him and pin him to the bed and give confirmation to whatever fears he was harbouring about allowed physical contact to transpire between them. It made Seonghwa nauseous, he couldn’t let himself dwell on the hurt he felt for too long before it turned to anger like that, so he just pushed the thoughts from his mind entirely and tried to focus on going to sleep. Thankfully, between the extra layers of blankets and the shared body heat trapped beneath, Seonghwa was able to slip into unconsciousness fairly easily. However, it seemed like only seconds had passed before Seonghwa was suddenly being roused by the sound of choked, gasping breaths. Quickly rolling over, Seonghwa blinked through the blurriness in his eyes to try to find the source of the sound. The blue light reflecting off the snow outside and in through the window illuminated Hongjoong’s sleeping form enough for Seonghwa to just make out the strained expression on his face.

‘Nightmare?’ Seonghwa thought foggily, still not nearly awake enough to deal with this. ‘Since when does Hongjoong get nightmares?’

Forgetting any previous instructions he’d been given to not touch Hongjoong, Seonghwa put a hand on his chest to try to shake him awake. Instantly, though, Seonghwa was struck by the strange way Hongjoong’s chest felt under his hand. Through the loose sleep shirt, there seemed to be a second layer that had a distinct stiffness to it, as well as what Seonghwa could only assume was some kind of padding? Still half asleep, Seonghwa lifted the first shirt out of sheer confusion and stared blankly at the black tank top he found underneath. Even with the shared warmth of two bodies in one bed, it’d been chilly enough for Seonghwa to layer up as well, but a tank top still seemed like an odd choice if warmth was the end goal. Hongjoong squirmed, thrashing his head from side to side as he sucked in another choked, stuttered gasp for air. That successfully brought Seonghwa back to the pressing issue and, again, he put his hand on Hongjoong’s chest to shake him.

Calling Hongjoong’s name, to still no prevail, Seonghwa’s hand sank into the padding on his chest and was distracted once more by the unexpected feeling. He hooked his fingers into the collar of the tank top and realized how tight the fabric was. Moving around to inspect the arm holes and pick at the front further confirmed that it was some kind of compression shirt intended for sportswear. Why in the world was Hongjoong wearing it to sleep in? Seonghwa frowned, feeling a little surge of panic as Hongjoong choked and let out little fearful whimpers, and decided to remove the shirt so he could properly breathe. With Hongjoong’s body still limp with sleep, Seonghwa pushed the hem of the tank top up to his armpits before hoisting him up into a sitting position to pull it over his head. Once it was over, Seonghwa laid him back down to finish slipping it from his arms.

As soon as the shirt was fully removed, Hongjoong’s eyes shot open and his chest heaved with a full, unrestrained gasp. Seonghwa had only a second to register what he was looking at before Hongjoong jolted upright to wrap terrified, clingy arms around him. He could feel Hongjoong’s fingers dig into his back as his body shook against his own and Seonghwa quickly returned the embrace, using one hand to comfortingly pet Hongjoong’s hair. It was only a nightmare, Seonghwa had nothing to worry about really, so his thoughts remained on the clear mental image of what he’d seen once he’d gotten that tank top off. There was no denying it or trying to rationalize it as anything other than what it was; Hongjoong had a woman’s chest. The compression shirt had been hiding a pair of breasts and the sudden stillness of Hongjoong’s shoulders indicated that it had just dawned on him that they were now exposed.

“...Seonghwa…”

“Hongjoong, are you okay?” Seonghwa asked quickly, determined to show his concern for his friend’s wellbeing and to try to give him control of how to handle the situation.

If Hongjoong wanted to believe that Seonghwa had seen nothing, then Seonghwa saw nothing. If he wanted to gloss over it entirely and act as though nothing happened, Seonghwa would never mention it again. The ball was in Hongjoong’s court now and Seonghwa would play along with whatever game he decided on.

“Where’s my shirt?” Hongjoong’s body was growing increasingly tense in Seonghwa’s arms.

“Uhm… here…” Seonghwa lifted his hand to the side, bringing the tank top to Hongjong’s peripheral.

Hongjoong took it gingerly but didn’t move otherwise. “...why did you undress me…?”

Seonghwa’s body ran cold as though he’d been tipped head first out the window into the snow drifts outside.

“You were having a nightmare, you couldn’t breathe.” He explained, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. “This shirt- it seemed too tight- I mean, why are you wearing sportswear to bed?”

“I…” Hongjoong’s voice cracked and Seonghwa’s heart did the same. “I didn’t have a chance to take it off before you followed me in here… I didn’t want you to… see me without it.”

The only thing Seonghwa could think to do was hug Hongjoong a little tighter and press his face to Hongjoong’s neck a little closer.

“Can you please…” Hongjoong’s voice was quieter now, barely above a whisper. “Please… close your eyes so I can put my shirt back on.”

“Of course.”

Releasing Hongjoong, Seonghwa put his hands over his eyes, making a show of giving him his privacy in case it was too dark to see his eyes closed. After a few seconds, Hongjoong muttered a miserable sounding ‘okay’ and Seonghwa opened his eyes again, feeling his heart sink further at the dejected, shame-filled look on Hongjoong’s face.

“Hongjoong-”

“Can we just go back to sleep? Please?” He snapped, scooting away from Seonghwa suddenly.

“O-of course.” Seonghwa replied, mimicking Hongjoong’s actions to return to his own side of the bed. “But… Hongjoong-”

He flopped down onto the bed, back to Seonghwa.

“You…” Seonghwa hesitated, not sure how to handle something like this. “You didn’t have to hide something like that from me.”

Hongjoong was silent still and Seonghwa took that as his cue to just keep his mouth shut. Perhaps in the morning, Hongjoong would be more open to talking about it, but in the meantime Seonghwa thought it was probably best to just give him space to process that his secret had been discovered.

~.~.~

The third day of their entrapment dawned a much more agreeable weather forecast. The clouds had completely cleared from the sky and the sun beat down warmly enough to begin melting the tall piles of snow. Since Hongjoong was apparently still just as determined to keep his vow of silence, Seonghwa busied himself with making breakfast, checking in with staff and letting them know they were still alive, then attempted to venture outside again around late morning. It wasn’t nearly as bone-chilling as before and Seonghwa felt uneasy being inside at the moment, so he pushed himself to explore around outside the cabin. As he’d hoped to find the day before, there was a small storage shed a little ways up the hill on the back property that, by some grace of God, did not have its padlock closed into the locked position. Seonghwa was able to move it out of the way and let himself inside, nearly crying at the sight of firewood stacked neatly in one corner and a couple of plastic tubs full of spare blankets in the other. By the time the sun had crept past its peak and began inching down towards the western horizon, Seonghwa had procured a thick sheen of sweat over his forehead and back from trekking back and forth between the house and the shed to deliver the tubs and several loads of wood.

Hongjoong mumbled a bit of praise to Seonghwa, alleviating his worries that he was harbouring anger towards him, and immediately set to work unloading blankets from one of the tubs to hang from the windows so the cold wouldn’t seep in as much as before. Leaving him to it, Seonghwa left to clean himself up, treating himself to a hot shower. With the soothing water pouring over his tight muscles, Seonghwa’s mind wandered around the events of the night before. It made his heart ache to think that Hongjoong had been so afraid of Seonghwa finding out. Though, if Seonghwa was being completely honest, he wasn’t entirely sure just what he’d found out. He wasn’t as much of an old man as the other members joked about him being, he spent enough time on the internet to have heard of transgender people, he just didn’t fully understand what that meant. Was Hongjoong transgender? Or did he just have some kind of hormone imbalance that was causing him to grow breasts?

Either explanation left Seonghwa in a different position with Hongjoong. If he was transgender, that meant he’d been afraid of Seonghwa judging him or maybe even felt like it’d be unsafe for Seonghwa to know. He tried to think of whether he’d ever said anything on the topic that would have made Hongjoong think he was a dangerous person to open up to. On the other hand, Seonghwa could understand a medical condition a little easier, it didn’t take much to imagine how insecure he’d feel about his own body if he’d suddenly began growing breasts, especially in a profession where being attractive and maintaining a degree of masculinity was so important and so public. Not knowing which answer was the truth made it frustratingly impossible for Seonghwa to know where he stood with Hongjoong. All he wanted to do was wrap him up in another hug and reassure him that he didn’t feel any differently about him, that he wouldn’t judge him for something so trivial and that his secret was unquestionably safe with him.

He couldn’t make those promises without knowing though. Seonghwa didn’t consider himself to be a clumsy person, he was pretty good at navigating sensitive topics without saying anything careless, but the topic of whether or not someone he knew was transgender was such foreign territory to him… well, it was hard not to worry that he would be clumsy and say something insensitive. As he toweled off, redressed, and set out to rejoin Hongjoong, he just hoped and prayed that the younger would broach the subject soon so Seonghwa wouldn’t have to stumble around this uncertain purgatory for too long. To his dismay, however, Hongjoong continued to ignore the subject as he quietly knelt at the fireplace, experimenting with getting a fire going. In the meantime, Seonghwa began making lunch and they reconvened around 1pm to eat together.

“How’d you figure out how to do that?” Seonghwa asked, gesturing to the fire now dancing within the brick hearth.

“My grandmother had a traditional hearth.” Hongjoong explained, keeping his eyes down as he ate. “Sometimes I’d go over to her house for the weekend and she’d have me help her cook homemade gochujang, so I had to learn how to get the fire going for that. This setup is different but… it’s essentially the same process.”

“That’s so cool.” Seonghwa praised, offering up a warm smile.

Hongjoong’s lips cracked into a small, shy smile but he didn’t look up. Seonghwa’s smile faltered a bit but he kept his disappointment to himself.

“Well, thank you for doing that.” Seonghwa continued. “I think I would’ve been there all day if it’d been up to me to try to start it.”

“I’m sure you would have figured it out eventually.” Hongjoong shrugged. “You’re not the type to give up.”

Seonghwa’s heart fluttered a little. A quick mental image flashed in his mind of Hongjoong’s bare body, the way his back had arched and accentuated his exposed breasts when he’d finally been freed of the compression shirt. Seonghwa shook his head slightly, trying to shake the confusing thought from his head. He wasn’t suddenly not attracted to Hongjoong anymore just because of the possibility of him being biologically female, Seonghwa was still hopelessly in love with his friend, but it was surprising nonetheless to find himself titillated by a body part he’d only ever associated with women. There’d never been even a shred of interest in his body to touch a woman’s body but now Seonghwa just couldn’t shake the curiosity to run his hands over Hongjoong’s chest again and again, just so see how soft his skin was and how supple those breasts would be cupped against his palms.

“Hyung?”

Seonghwa blinked, not realizing he’d gotten lost in his thoughts again. “Hm?”

Hongjoong’s face looked caught between embarrassment and anger. It took a moment for Seonghwa to realize why before it dawned on him that, while zoned out, his eyes had fallen to Hongjoong’s chest. Fuck. How long had he been staring there?

“Do you have something to say to me?” Hongjoong questioned, an air of annoyance now lining his tone.

“N-no, s-sorry.” Seonghwa stammered out quickly, turning his eyes down to his lap with shame. “I know you don’t want to talk about it.”

Hongjoong didn’t reply right away but Seonghwa could feel his angry eyes burning holes into the top of his head.

“Well, as much as I’d love for that to happen, ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. Will it?” Hongjoong said snappily. “You’re clearly not going to be forgetting it, so go ahead. Say whatever is on your mind, hm? You gonna come up with some new excuse to share a bed with me again, now that you know I’m really a girl?”

He said the last part in a sort of mocking tone, dripping with such vitriol it was clear that’s what he thought was going through Seonghwa’s head.

“N-no, that’s not-” Seonghwa looked up with shock, struggling to respond to the sudden malice being directed at him. “Hongjoong, n-no-”

“Don’t try to lie.” Hongjoong said firmly, glaring intensely into Seonghwa’s eyes. “I know what cis men are like, you can insist all you want that you’re not going to look at me any differently but I’ve made the mistake of letting my male friends know about this before and it always results in them having a crush on me.”

“I-... I’m sorry that’s happened to you.” Seonghwa felt another wave of shame grip his heart. “I won’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through with this… I won’t try to pretend to understand any part of this, I’m still not even entirely sure what this is-”

“For fuck’s sake, Seonghwa, I’m trans. Okay?” Hongjoong rolled his eyes, folding his arms over his chest. “I was born with a vagina but I identify as a man. I take hormone injections and that shirt you tore off of me last night was my binder, it keeps my tits strapped down.”

Seonghwa winced a couple of times at Hongjoong’s choice of words, feeling weird about how casually he said some of those things. If it’d been anyone else- Mingi or Wooyoung or any of his other male friends- who referred to breasts as ‘tits’, he would have berrated them for speaking so crudely about a woman’s body. But Hongjoong wasn’t referring to a woman’s body, he was referring to his own. It wasn’t Seonghwa’s place to lecture his dongsaeng for how he chose to talk about his own body… right?

“O-o-okay…” Seonghwa resigned, averting his eyes again. “Hongjoong, that’s… that’s fine, I’m not judging you for that. Okay? I don’t look at you any differently because of it but I… I don’t have any experience with this sort of thing, so… I’m sorry if I say something that offends you, I really don’t mean to. You’re my best friend, I love you, I’m so sorry you thought you had to hide this from me.”

Hongjoong scoffed, causing Seonghwa to wince again. “Didn’t I tell you not to say that? Don’t promise something you can’t deliver. Maybe you believe you can but it’s always the same, men always wind up acting weird around women and people they think are women.”

“But-” Seonghwa’s head jolted up jerkily, reluctant to meet Hongjoong’s eyes but still needing to defend himself in some way. “I… I know I will not develop a crush on you just because I know you’re female.”

“Oh, you know that, do you?”

“It’s not possible.” Seonghwa willed himself to look at Hongjoong, to show him the confidence and certainty he had in his words.

“How can you be so sure?” Hongjoong did not look confident or certain in Seonghwa’s words.

“I thought it was obvious. I’m not sure if it’s relieving or… making me unbelievably anxious… that you didn’t already know…” His voice became shaky again.

It hadn’t occurred to him until this moment that Hongjoong had never figured out that Seonghwa had feelings for him. It only dawned on him now that all of the aversion of affection wasn’t Hongjoong being homophobic or concerned that Seonghwa would pounce on him, it was fear that Seonghwa would discover the secret about his body. So now, without realizing it, Seonghwa had just walked himself into the confession.

“I can’t develop a crush on you.” He continued, feeling somewhat disconnected from his body suddenly. “Because I already had one. Hongjoong, you being female isn’t going to suddenly make me go stupid on you. I’m-... I’m gay.”

The anger that had danced around Hongjoong’s face since the beginning of the conversation vanished in an instant and was replaced with utter shock.

“Oh.”

~.~.~

Neither one of them seemed to know how to continue the conversation after that. A few awkward apologies had been uttered between them but not much else was said otherwise. Hongjoong wound up spending the rest of the afternoon reading a book and tending to the fire, while Seonghwa tried to find a distraction in Animal Crossing. When the sun disappeared again, Seonghwa peeled himself away from his peaceful tropical island and made dinner. While waiting for the pot of water to boil, Seonghwa popped upstairs to see if any of the heat from the fireplace had reached their bedrooms. It hadn’t. It seemed unlikely that it would by the time they’d be readying themselves for bed so Seonghwa tentatively broached the subject once the meal was served.

“I checked the temperature upstairs.” He said, keeping his eyes on his food.

“Oh?” Hongjoong replied absently.

“It’s just as cold up there as it has been the past couple of nights.” Seonghwa continued. “I guess the fire can’t reach that far. I was thinking…”

Seonghwa paused, hearing Hongjoong’s words from earlier flash in his mind- ‘You gonna come up with some new excuse to share a bed with me again?’- and he worried posturing the question might send his friend into another fit of rage.

“It might be better if we…” Seonghwa paused to sip his water, fighting through the dry mouth suddenly attacking him. “...if we sleep down here, where it’s warm.”

Hongjoong was quiet a bit too long and Seonghwa dared a quick glance upwards at him. His sharp eyes were staring back at him but gave no indication as to what thoughts dwelled behind them. Seonghwa swallowed hard, certain he’d made a mistake.

“There’s only one couch down here.” Hongjoong replied cooly. “I guess we could sleep on the floor.”

Seonghwa blinked at him a few times, not sure he’d heard him right. “Y-you’d… still want to sleep with me?”

Hongjoong burst out laughing, suddenly looking no differently than when Seonghwa cracked a bad joke or did something overtly goofy for screen time.

“The way you worded that-” Hongjoong cackled brightly. “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to jump your bones.”

Seonghwa’s face turned red. “O-oh, I just- I meant-”

“I know, I know.” Hongjoong waved his hand, trying to get a hold on his laughter. “It just sounded weird the way you said it.”

Seonghwa relaxed a little, slightly comforted by the way Hongjoong seemed more at ease now. He still couldn’t help but walk on eggshells a bit, worried he’d slip up and say something offensive, but it helped to see his friend looking casual again.

“Listen, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong said after taking a drink from his water glass. “My whole thing about being touched… it has nothing to do with actually disliking it, that was just something I had to make you all think. I just couldn’t do all that touchy-feely shit with you guys in case something happened and someone… well, you already kinda figured it out, didn’t you?”

“A-ah.” Seonghwa nodded, slowly starting to understand.

“Truthfully… I really do like skinship.” Hongjoong’s smile faltered. “I just couldn’t risk anyone finding out. It’s not just me worrying that you guys would judge me or look at me differently because of it- though, obviously, that was a concern- it also had to do with my literal safety. If it got out that I’m not ‘really a man’, it could cost me my whole career. I mean, fans already feel betrayed if they find out their idols might be dating someone, how do you think they’d react to finding out that I’m trans?”

“That’s… yeah, I-I get it…” Seonghwa frowned, his heart aching for Hongjoong. “I’m sorry, it must have been hard for you.”

“It’s fine.” Hongjoong replied quickly, seeming embarrassed now. “Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just the way life is. I didn’t mean to throw a whole pity party, I just meant… I’m kind of… glad someone knows now. I’m glad I have someone I can get skinship from now, someone I don’t have to worry about reading into it and thinking… ‘Oh, a girl is touching me, that must mean she likes me’... You know?”

Seonghwa nodded, though, of course, he didn’t fully know. He could sympathize with Hongjoong’s reservations and he understood the societal expectations surrounding skinship between men and women but those expectations didn’t exactly apply to them. Seonghwa didn’t have expectations for women touching him- Hell, the most beautiful girl in the world could strip down and sit on his lap and it wouldn’t make him look at her any differently than a sweet old ahjuma holding his arm for balance as they crossed the street. And, similarly, Hongjoong could strip down and put his chest in Seonghwa’s face and he’d pop a boner nonetheless. The world’s most confusing boner, absolutely, but Seonghwa still saw the same Hongjoong he always saw. In his eyes, Hongjoong was still a breathtakingly attractive man and Seonghwa knew before they even began carrying their bedding down to the living room that he’d be shaking like a leaf in the wind once he finally had Hongjoong pressed up against him.

Trying to get comfortable seemed impossible. Hongjoong hadn’t been bothered at all this time to lay beside Seonghwa, though there was still an air of reservation in his movements. He laid with his back to Seonghwa, facing the fire, but had settled in close enough to him that there seemed to be an invitation waiting. Not to mention the fact that Hongjoong had outright said he was glad to be physical with Seonghwa, there was more than an invitation, there was an expectation. Right? Hongjoong was waiting for Seonghwa to spoon with him, right? Raising one shaking arm, Seonghwa delicately placed it around Hongjoong’s waist, trying his best to avoid touching him anywhere… suggestive.

“Is… is this okay?” Seonghwa asked in a hushed voice.

“Hm…” Hongjoong put his hand atop Seonghwa’s, pausing for a couple seconds. “No.”

Seonghwa instantly tried to retract his hand but Hongjoong’s grip on it tightened even faster. In the blink of an eye, Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa’s arm out and scooted his body backwards so they were now pressed together. Seonghwa’s arm was now coiled tightly around Hongjoong’s body, their fingers laced together and held fondly to Hongjoong’s chest. Seonghwa’s breath hitched at the sudden closeness, feeling his heart pounding under his ribs at a million beats per minute. The back of his neck grew hot and his hair stood on end. Goosebumps broke out all across his skin. It was taking every ounce of self control to keep his blood from flowing south, overly conscious of the fact that Hongjoong had his ass pressed firmly against Seonghwa’s dick.

Fuck.

“Why are you breathing like that?”

Double fuck.

“S-sorry…” Seonghwa tried to correct his breathing. “I’m just… nervous.”

“Nervous?” Hongjoong chuckled. “What do you have to be nervous about?”

Seonghwa’s brow furrowed, dumbfounded by the question. “I-I told you already. I… like you…”

Repeating the statement instantly filled him with regret. Maybe Hongjoong hadn’t heard him correctly earlier and he’d just shattered his friend’s hopes of getting to finally have platonic skinship with someone.

“But… You also said you’re gay.” Hongjoong sounded just as dumbfounded and rolled over onto his back after a brief pause, haphazardly looking sideways at Seonghwa. “I assumed that meant you didn’t anymore… I mean, I’m not exactly what gay men are into. You understand that I don’t have those parts, right?”

“No, I know.” Seonghwa replied, switching between looking at Hongjoong and watching the fire. “And believe me, I’m not really sure what to do with it either… I’ve never had even a fleeting attraction towards… uhm… your-... your body type?”

Seonghwa could see Hongjoong arching a teasing eyebrow at him but he didn’t interrupt.

“But I wasn’t just lying to make you feel better when I said that didn’t change the way I view you.” He continued, chewing his bottom lip anxiously. “I still have feelings for you. I don’t know how to handle your… parts… but you know- not to sound like a fucking… lovesick cartoon… I don’t have feelings for your body, I have them for you.”

Hongjoong stayed quiet for a long time. Or maybe only a few seconds but, to Seonghwa, it felt like hours passed with Hongjoong’s eyes silently scrutinizing him.

“Why does that sound like a love confession?” Hongjoong asked finally.

Seonghwa’s eyes widened, frantically darting between Hongjoong and the fire again, his heart racing even faster.

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly, trying once again to retract his arm from Hongjoong’s space. “You don’t have to say anything back to me, I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you- Honestly, I was never even planning on telling you in the first place- it’s not like I ever thought I Had a chance with you, I mean, I always assumed you were straight anyways-”

“Hyung.”

Seonghwa’s teeth snapped shut with an audible click.

“I’m not offended by it.” Hongjoong stated softly. “When I was complaining earlier about my guy friends viewing me differently after finding out… it wasn’t them having crushes on me that bothered me. It was straight men having crushes on me, making it obvious that they no longer saw me as a man, that always pissed me off. Having a gay man crush on me is totally different, it’s… kind of gratifying.”

“O-oh…” Seonghwa managed to squeak out, not entirely sure what Hongjoong was saying in terms of what that meant for them. “S-so…”

In lieu of a verbal response, Hongjoong leaned up and kissed Seonghwa’s cheek. Seonghwa let out another squeak and looked down again, gaping at Hongjoong in complete shock. Hongjoong, in turn, burst out into laughter again.

“You look so cute like that.” Hongjoong cackled loudly, covering his face with his hands.

Seonghwa could feel his whole face, ears, and neck turning red hot. “You think I’m cute?”

“I’ve always thought that.” Hongjoong wiped a tear from his eye, his body still quaking with laughter. “I just didn’t think it was worth mentioning. I assumed you were straight.”

Seonghwa’s face scrunched a little at that. For the purpose of safety, of course he needed people to assume he was straight, but he still found it off-putting to hear it be said out loud.

“Sorry.” Hongjoong put a hand on Seonghwa’s cheek and leaned up again, kissing his chin this time. “I’ve just sort of… gotten used to the idea of being single forever. There’s not really a huge dating market for trans people.”

Seonghwa meant to reply with comforting words, to sympathize with Hongjoong’s plight and to empathize from his perspective as a gay man, but the touch of Hongjoong’s lips to his chin sent his vision fuzzy and chased out all trace of logical thought from his brain. Before he even realized what he was doing, Seonghwa pressed down to chase a desperate, hungry kiss into Hongjoong’s mouth. Hongjoong gasped, which quickly turned into a moan, parting his lips and welcoming Seonghwa’s tongue in with equal hunger. Hongjoong’s arms wrapped around Seonghwa and pulled him in tight, locking their bodies together as closely as they could get. Deep, gutteral moans poured from Seonghwa’s throat as he rocked his face in for one kiss after another, mindlessly lapping at Hongjoong’s open mouth, sucking his tongue, nipping at his lips, savouring every single second he was able to spend tasting him at last. In his frenzy, Seonghwa managed to get an arm under Hongjoong’s shoulders to hold their chests together and the other hand moved firmly along his side, running back and forth between his ribs and his hip until it caught Hongjoong’s shirt and pushed it up so their skin connected directly.

The pitched, breathy moans rasping from Hongjoong’s throat with every touch and every biting kiss ebbed him on, driving Seonghwa absolutely crazy with need. His inhibitions were quickly forgotten, his mind no longer plagued with the worries that his touch was unwanted or feared now that Hongjoong was opposing them, clinging to Seonghwa just as much as he clung to him. The first mindless grind of his hips into Hongjoong's had them both moaning louder, breaths hitching, hands tightening around whatever they could grip onto. Seonghwa fell into a slow, casual rhythm, trying not to ruin the moment by going too fast too soon, allowing his hips to roll somewhat shallowly only every thirty seconds or so. When Hongjoong hiked a leg up, hooking it over Seonghwa’s hip and giving a small upward grind of his own, Seonghwa risked going a step further. His hand snaked under Hongjoong’s shirt, moving from his side to trail up the front of his chest, until his hand cupped one of his breasts.

Seonghwa wasn’t quite sure how to proceed after that and had half expected Hongjoong to yell at him or slap his hand away. Instead, Hongjoong didn’t seem to notice at all, continuing to suck away at his bottom lip as he’d been doing before. Squeezing his hand tentatively, he curiously tested the feel of the softness against his palm. Surprisingly, doing so elicited a tantalizing moan from Hongjoong and urged Seonghwa to squeeze again, harder this time, to get yet another moan from him. The throbbing half-chub in his pants twitched, hardening more at the new noises Hongjoong was making. Seonghwa broke the kiss to watch his face as he continued to grope his tit, rolling his hips again now that his cock was hard enough to gain some real gratification from the friction. Adding to the excited fluttering of Seonghwa’s heart, one of Hongjoong’s hands dropped from it’s place around his shoulders and slid in between them, searching around Seonghwa’s hips until it landed on his erection.

“Oh… shit…” Hongjoong whispered breathily, his brows knitting upwards.

“S-something wrong?” Seonghwa pulled his hand back immediately. “Do you want me to stop?”

Hongjoong shook his head, slowly cracking his eyes open to look up at him with an almost drunken glaze to them.

“No, nothing’s wrong.” He gave Seonghwa a firm, reassuring stroke. “You’re just… bigger than I imagined.”

Seonghwa stifled a groan, feeling himself go a little cross-eyed for a second. “Imagined…? You’ve imagined what my cock looks like?”

“Only a lot.” Hongjoong replied cheekily, paired with a sly smile. “Hyung… let me suck it.”

The purring, whispery way Hongjoong said it, the way he phrased it like it wasn’t just an offer to make Seonghwa feel good but like he was begging to have his cock in his mouth- it all sent a shudder down Seonghwa’s spine.

“O-okay.” Was all he was able to stutter out.

Hongjoong moved his hand from Seonghwa’s length and put it to his shoulder, gently pushing him back until they had traded positions. With Hongjoong now on top, kneeling over Seonghwa, he quickly and carefully pulled the waistband of Seonghwa’s sweatpants down to mid-thigh, then hooked his fingers under the elastic of his boxers. He paused, teasing him a second, before inching the fabric down until his cock was able to freely bounce out. The cooler air outside his pants hit Seonghwa’s erection, sending another chill down his spine, but the cold was quickly replaced by a warmth that had Seonghwa’s jaw dropping in a spontaneous, loud moan. Hongjoong’s soft, wet mouth enclosed Seonghwa’s cock, suctioning around it, his tongue swirling around it and swiping over the slit. Seonghwa’s fists gripped the sheets beneath him as his head craned backwards, his back arching slightly at the sensations pulsating through him. His mind swam, focused on nothing but the way Hongjoong sucked him with such fervour and desperation, it was hard to believe he was the one being pleasured and not the other way around.

Before he had a chance to lose himself entirely, Seonghwa put his hands to Hongjoong’s head and gestured for him to stop. Hongjoong kept a tight suck around him the whole way up, finally releasing his cock with a loud, crisp pop! that nearly had Seonghwa letting loose into his face. After probably a solid minute of focused breathing, bringing himself back down, Seonghwa propped himself up on his elbows to meet Hongjoong’s eyes.

“Fuck… that was… fuck.” Seonghwa said, so eloquently, still feeling dizzy from the blowjob. “Where the fuck did you learn how to do that?”

Hongjoong shrugged. “I, uh… I read a lot of fanfiction that Atinys have written about us…”

Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh at that, tickled by the bashful expression on Hongjoong’s face when he said it. Though, after his immediate reaction passed, it sent another pulsating throb to his cock to think about Hongjoong reading trashy smut about him and Seonghwa fucking, beating himself off all the while.

“Lay back.” Seonghwa instructed.

It did dawn on him that what Hongjoong had been doing wasn’t exactly ‘beating off’ and his heart was pounding less with excitement now and more with nervousness as he watched Hongjoong reverse their positions again. Starting first with his shirt, Seonghwa helped Hongjoong out of his clothes, trying not to show how anxious he was to see what awaited him under his boxers.

“We don’t… have to keep going.” Hongjoong offered, his eyes scanning the expression on Seonghwa’s face. “If you don’t want to… I know this isn’t really…”

Seonghwa shook his head. “No, no, it’s fine. I just… uhm… I want to, I just don’t actually know… how.”

A small, fond smile appeared on Hongjoong’s face, replacing the embarrassment that had been creeping into his features. Seonghwa quickly leaned down to pick up where they’d left off on their kiss, trying his best to show Hongjoong with his body just how enthusiastic he still was to be touching him. Moaning into his mouth with increased passion, Seonghwa let his hands glide all across Hongjoong’s soft skin, groping both of his tits into his hands to relish every whorish noise the act elicited from Hongjoong. The only time he paused his performance of affection was to finally strip out of his own clowns so he could freely press their naked bodies together. Pressing one last heated kiss to Hongjoong’s lips, Seonghwa turned his attention to his skin, taking care not to leave behind any marks. As badly as he wanted to suck a thousand hickies into Hongjoong’s skin and announce to the world that this was his, they did, unfortunately, have a job to return to at some point that would make doing so a very, very bad idea.

So Seonghwa was careful as he made his way from Hongjoong’s neck down to his nipples, gently sucking one into his mouth while his hand continued kneading the other. Hongjoong squirmed beneath him, tangling his hands in his hair as he descended further. When his mouth finally reached Hongjoong’s pelvis, he indulged his need to leave marks and expertly sucked several tiny bruises around his V-line and along his inner thighs before, admittedly a bit hesitantly, bringing himself to the goal destination. For the first time in his life, Seonghwa regretted not watching more straight porn. He felt hopelessly lost and more than a little ashamed that he wouldn’t be able to make Hongjoong feel nearly as good as he’d been able to. Whereas he’d had enough secret encounters with one night stands in the past to feel fairly confident in his skills with the male body, Seonghwa felt downright virginal in his abilities with the female body. Or… Hongjoong’s body. He made a mental note to ask him later if that was the correct way to be referring to any of this. Everything about this was a learning curve but he needed to focus on this part first.

Burying his compounding anxieties, Seonghwa stretched his tongue out and tentatively drew it over the wet heat in front of him. He instantly drew back, snapping his tongue back into his mouth, more than a little shocked at the unfamiliar sensation. The one clumsy act of contact had garnered a nice sounding moan from Hongjoong, though, so Seonghwa pushed away the reservations he was having and put his mouth to him again. For lack of knowing what else to do, Seonghwa tried to mimic the way he’d moved his mouth to kiss Hongjoong and, to his great relief, that seemed to do wonders. Once he got past the initial shock of how wet it was, Seonghwa fell in an easy little routine, letting his eyes slide shut as his mouth worked at Hongjoong’s hot, dripping cunt.

It helped even more once Seonghwa realized that the little protrusion at the top of his lips, rather than the actual hole, was getting a better reaction out of Hongjoong so he could kind of think about it like… sucking a very, very small dick. Which was also, honestly, what it looked like too. Seonghwa hadn’t exactly made an effort so see many vaginas and he definitely hadn’t made a point of remembering what any of them looked like, but he was pretty sure he’d never seen one that stuck out like Hongjoong’s did. It even felt kind of hard in his mouth and twitched to the beat of Hongjoong’s loud, whimpering moans. He got so lost in sucking on him, Seonghwa didn’t notice him calling out to him at first.

“Hm? What?” Seonghwa lifted his head quickly when he finally realized. “Am I doing it wrong?”

“No, no- God, no.” Hongjoong replied breathlessly. “Fuck, that was incredible.”

Grinning, Seonghwa wiped his mouth and crawled about halfway up Hongjoong to rest his chin on his chest.

“Why’d you make me stop?”

Hongjoong put his hands back into Seonghwa’s hair, scratching his scalp absent-mindedly. “If we’re going to keep going… I mean… do you want to go further?”

Seonghwa lifted up slightly, looking at Hongjoong curiously. “Are you asking if… if I want to have sex with you?”

Hongjoong nodded and Seonghwa’s heart fluttered.

“That would, uhm…” Seonghwa cleared his throat, opting to hide his face by dipping his head back down to press light little butterfly kisses around Hongjoong’s chest. “I wouldn’t say no to that.”

“Then… you need to use your fingers.”

Seonghwa paused, processing what Hongjoong meant, then went back to kissing his chest. When his lips brushed over Hongjoong’s nipple, he moved one hand down between his legs and pressed a finger to his opening, drawing it around until it was lined up.

“Use my fingers…” He slipped the digit in. “Like this?”

Hongjoong bit down on a whimper, his body going rigid. Seonghwa slid his finger in slowly, a little stupified by how wet the hole was without them needing to use any lube. It took hardly any time at all to get a second, then a third finger inside of him and, thankfully, Hongjoong’s g-spot was in pretty much the same place as a prostate. It seemed like the learning curve for sex with this anatomy was pretty reserved to outside stimulation and penetration was pretty much the same either way. With his fingers curved, thrumming against that soft spot inside of Hongjoong, Seonghwa propped himself up on an elbow to watch his pretty face fall apart.

“Does that feel good?” Seonghwa cooed into his ear, licking a wet line up the side of his face.

“Yes.” Hongjoong breathed, his reddened chest heaving. “God, yes… Seonghwa… please.”

“Please, what?” Seonghwa purred, his lips curling into a mischievous smile. “Tell me what you want, baby.”

His fingers moved just a little faster, pounding up into that spot a little harder. Seonghwa’s cock throbbed painfully at the way Hongjoong arched, squirming into the touch, his moans pitching higher and higher.

“S-stop, Seonghwa-” Hongjoong’s fists balled around the sheets. “Please, stop.”

Seonghwa obeyed, stopping the motion immediately and slowly pulling his fingers out of him.

Hongjoong breathed heavily for a moment, trying to catch his breath before he spoke. “Seonghwa…”

“Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong’s eyes opened, looking drunker than ever, searching to focus on Seonghwa’s face. As soon as their eyes connected, Seonghwa lifted his hand and stuck his fingers into his mouth, making a show of sucking Hongjoong’s wetness from the digits. He felt a deep wave of satisfaction at the sight of Hongjoong’s eyes crossing slightly, loving how the simple action could visibly make his brain go so fuzzy.

“Fuck me.”

It was so quiet, Seonghwa genuinely almost missed it.

“What was that?” Seonghwa pulled his fingers out with a pop, though, not nearly as satisfying as the noise Hongjoong had been able to make.

“Seonghwa, please.” Hongjoong lifted up, putting an arm around Seonghwa’s neck and pressing desperate kisses into his collarbone. “Fuck me, please, I need you.”

“As you wish.” Seonghwa breathed, his skin breaking out into goosebumps at Hongjoong’s pleas.

Reaching a hand between them, Seonghwa guided his cock to press against Hongjoong’s entrance. He shallowly thrusted his hips back and forth a few times, trying to gather some of Hongjoong’s natural lubricant onto himself before lining the head up and, slowly, pushing inside. Hongjoong’s eyes slid shut, his hands clumsily finding a grounding hold on Seonghwa’s shoulders. Once he no longer needed his hand to guide him, Seonghwa positioned himself over Hongjoong, propped up on a forearm on either side of him. Using the same shallow thrusts as before, Seonghwa inched his way inside. Without the use of lube, he had to go a bit slower than usual, letting the wetness already there coat his cock before he could push in further each time until he was finally fully buried inside of him. Pressed flush together, Seonghwa let his head drop into the crook of Hongjoong’s neck, taking his time to grind into him so his cock could angle upwards into that song spot.

There was no denying that there was a certain appeal to this arrangement. Seonghwa would never complain about the way anal felt but Hongjoong’s cunt enveloped him so completely, cushioning every curvature, sort of like a mouth without teeth. Though, Seonghwa realized, that probably wasn’t a very sexy way to describe it and he probably shouldn’t word it like that to Hongjoong. Like. Ever. Shaking that thought from his head, Seonghwa refocused and began deepening his thrusts, drawing out halfway, then nearly to the head, before pushing back into him. Hongjoong abandoned his hold on his shoulders and, again, wrapped his arms around him, clutching him tight against him as though he thought loosening his grip might allow Seonghwa to change his mind and escape. With a little added speed behind his hips, Hongjoong then wrapped his legs around him as well.

Everything felt so warm and fuzzy and right. Seonghwa felt like he could stay like that all night. Hell, he felt like he could stay like that for the rest of his life. He almost wished it never stopped snowing and staff could never come to retrieve them. He didn’t want to go back to their idol lives, he wanted to keep fucking those sweet, sweet noises out of Hongjoong until they both passed out.

“Seonghwa.” Hongjoong moaned his name, adding to the pressure building in his cock. “Seonghwa, please.”

Bringing his head up, Seonghwa kissed Hongjoong’s lips. “What do you want me to do?”

“Fuck me harder.”

Seonghwa’s insides burned at the request and he almost felt like spilling. He paused, taking a minute to press his tongue into Hongjoong’s mouth again, covering the break to talk himself down from orgasm. Once he felt safe again, Seonghwa broke the kiss and sat up. Putting his hands on Hongjoong’s hips, he held him in place to pick up a new pace, immediately garnering a shocked yelp from Hongjoong’s lips. His eyes rolled back and his hands reached into the sheets above his head, clinging to them against the ecstasy playing on his face. Seonghwa watched in awe the expressions that cycled around Hongjoong’s features and the different blissful, needy noises that babbled out of his mouth the faster Seonghwa’s cock plunged into him. Again, Seonghwa had to use all his mental focus from spilling when he saw Hongjoong reach a hand down, pressing his fingertips into that cute mini cock to stroke fast, tiny circles around it.

“Shit…” Seonghwa whispered, mesmerized by Hongjoong’s hand movements.

Without realizing it, Seonghwa increased his speed again, mindlessly pounding into Hongjoong. Before, he’d been cautious of how much force he used, unfamiliar with the anatomy and therefore a little fearful of hurting Hongjoong, but now there were no thoughts in his mind of holding back. Hongjoong kept babbling for more, moaning out his name, using his hand to stroke himself closer and closer until, at last, he was letting out a long, deep groan, back arching, and his cunt clenched so fucking tight around Seonghwa that it had him toppling over the edge as well. Seonghwa fell forward, burying his face into Hongjoong’s neck as he hopelessly spilled spurt after spurt of hot cum into him.

“Hongjoong.” He whined, pressing into Hongjoong’s neck. “I love you.”

One of Hongjoong’s hands came up to pet Seonghwa’s sweaty hair, his other still digging fingers into his shoulder as they road out their orgasms.

“I love you.” He breathed out, pressing a kiss to whatever part of the side of Seonghwa’s face he could reach. “I love you.”

A solid minute seemed to pass before Seonghwa’s muscles finally relaxed and his vision returned. Still breathing heavily, he pulled back, sitting up to look down at the mess he’d made of Hongjoong.

“O-oh, shit. Fuck.” Seonghwa pulled out, his panic hitting him like a train.

“What?” Hongjoong sat up, eyes scanning around between them. “What’s wrong?”

“Fuck, Hongjoong, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” Seonghwa looked utterly lost for what he should do. “I’ve only ever fucked- I mean, I’m used to doing it in the ass- I completely forgot, I-... I came inside you.”

“O-oh.” Hongjoong laugh softly, relaxing back against the makeshift bed. “That’s okay, Seonghwa. I take testosterone shots, the chances of you getting me pregnant are very slim. I’m not worried about it.”

Seonghwa relaxed, though he wasn’t entirely reassured. “Oh… Okay… if you say so.”

Noticing the uneasy look, Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa’s wrist and reeled him back in, wrapping his arms tightly around him and pressing another kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll take care of it when we get home.” Hongjoong said, finding his Captain’s Voice again. “I’m in no bigger hurry to become a dad than you are.”

“Okay.” Seonghwa said again, a bit more eased now. “I wish we didn’t have to go home.”

Hongjoong chuckled again. “You want to stay here forever?”

Nuzzling against him, Seonghwa nodded, smiling. “Forever. I wanna stay here like this with you forever.”

Hongjoong hummed, petting Seonghwa’s hair softly. “You’re so cheesy.”

Seonghwa nodded again, feeling sleep coming to claim him. Before long, they were both slipping into unconsciousness in each other’s arms, finally free of the anxieties that had plagued them upon their arrival to the cabin.

~.~.~

Morning came with a casual energy. Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s eyes opened, lacking the urgency their lives usually brought, and they were able to rise at their own pace, taking their time to savour each other’s embrace and place slow, lazy morning kisses to each other’s faces. It wouldn’t be far off to say that the only reason they gave in and got up for the day was because of the persistent aching in their backs from sleeping on the floor. While Seonghwa made breakfast, Hongjoong cleaned up the makeshift bed from the living room floor, delivering the soiled blankets and sheets into the washing machine to be cleaned. Once the cabin was in order again and they both had full bellies, they shared use of the bathroom to shower off the grime they’d collected the night before.

“You’re not still shy, are you?” Seonghwa asked.

Hongjoong had turned his back to him when he removed his shirt, his arms moving inwards to cover his chest. Even when he looked back at him, he kept his shirt held up over his front protectively.

“It’s just… habit, I guess.” Hongjoong shrugged casually but there was a sadness hidden behind his face. “I’m not shy, so much as…”

“It’s not what it’s supposed to be?” Seonghwa asked, not sure if that was wrong of him to say.

Hongjoong looked up at him, looking just slightly shocked by it, and nodded. “Yeah. I feel like… shyness suggests that it’s temporary- I could stop being shy if I got used to being naked in front of you… or you could compliment me enough for me to stop being self-conscious about it… but that’s not it. I can get used to being naked around you and I could get into a headspace where I felt confident that I looked good to you… but I still wouldn’t look good to me, because this isn’t what I’m supposed to look like at all.”

Seonghwa frowned, hating how helpless he felt. “Is there anything I can do?”

Hongjoong cracked a sweet smile and shook his head. “No. It’s not something anyone can help with. Except for a surgeon, of course, but that’s still a way’s off…”

That surprised Seonghwa a bit. He knew surgeries were involved in the whole… transgender… thing… but it hadn’t really occurred to him yet that Hongjoong would want to do that too. His mind burned with curiosity but he was pretty sure asking about that would be considered rude, so he just finished stripping off his own clothes and stepped into the water. After Hongjoong stepped in behind him, Seonghwa let his curiosity out a little.

“Does anyone at the company know?”

Hongjoong’s hand reached past him to stick a washcloth under the water. After it was wet, Seonghwa poured some soap onto it for him. A second later, he melted into the feeling of the washcloth being drawn over his back, having previously thought Hongjoong meant only to use it on himself.

“The CEO knows.” Hongjoong explained casually as he scrubbed Seonghwa’s back. “I had to explain it to him at my contract signing. I knew being an idol meant there was a chance they’d want to put me in revealing costumes or potentially do shirtless looks… plus, I do plan to have these removed…”

Hongjoong tugged on Seonghwa’s arm and he turned around so he could begin scrubbing the washcloth along his collarbones and down his chest.

“I’ll need time off from schedules to do that, of course.” He continued, awkwardly avoiding Seonghwa’s eyes now. “And that’ll leave scars, so… even after the surgery, I probably can’t wearing anything that revealing. It’s just a whole thing. I figured it would cause more problems down the road to try to hide it from the CEO, so I Just waited until I knew it wasn’t likely he’d kick me out and told him then.”

“How’d he react?” Seonghwa asked, taking the washcloth and spinning Hongjoong around to return the favour.

“I don’t think he understood it.” Hongjoong laughed. “And I think he kind of preferred it that way. I think once he realized I was talking about LGBT stuff, he preferred to just say whatever would get him through the conversation fastest. It pretty much just boiled down to me not being able to wear shirts that show my chest, so I think he didn’t really care about anything else past that.”

“That’s… good, at least.” Seonghwa struggled to find the right words, getting lost in the feel of Hongjoong’s skin under his hand. “I’m glad it wasn’t worse.”

“Me too.” Hongjoong turned to face him again. “Same with you. I really was worried about any of the members finding out…”

Seonghwa’s hand slowed, feeling a dull ache in his heart.

“Especially you…” Hongjoong leaned forward, resting his forehead against Seonghwa’s shoulder. “I was afraid you wouldn’t understand and… it’d mess up our friendship.”

“I think our friendship is messed up.” Seonghwa chuckled lightly, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong’s waist, reaching lower with one hand to give his ass a squeeze. “But I think we’ve got something better now… right?”

Hongjoong jumped, pulling away with a bright smile. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Pulling Seonghwa down into a kiss, their lips met for a long, slow, passionate connection. By the time Hongjoong decided to end it, Seonghwa was halfway to hard. Hongjoong glanced down and laughed again, his face reddening slightly.

“You’re really not bothered by the way I look?” He asked. “I would’ve thought… at the very least, it would’ve taken you more time to be okay with touching me…”

Seonghwa shook his head and kissed his forehead. “It’s weird, I won’t lie. I’m not used to it and… I never anticipated being in this position, honestly… but I do love you. Regardless of what the rest of you looks like, you’re still you, you’ve still got the best face in the world that makes the best expressions in the world when I touch you. So, I don’t really have anything to complain about.”

The redness on Hongjoong’s face darkened and Seonghwa touched their lips together again, this time snaking a hand down between his legs as well. Hongjoong let out a tiny little moan of surprise and his legs parted just enough for Seonghwa to work.

“I always heard women don’t have as much of a sex drive as men.” Seonghwa teased, rubbing slow circles around Hongjoong’s clit. “I would have taken that to mean that you wouldn’t be up for another round so soon… So I guess that attests to you really being a man, right?”

Hongjoong scoffed at him incredulously. “Women can have just as strong as a sex drive, or stronger, than men, it’s just that most cis men are shit at sex.”

“Oh.” Seonghwa frowned and slid a finger into him. “Should I stop?”

Hongjoong’s breath hitched and he stifled a moan. “I said most, not all. You actually… don’t suck at it at all.”

“Oh, really?” Seonghwa’s lips curled into a cocky grin. “Am I better than the other guys you’ve fucked?”

Hongjoong’s eyes fluttered shut as Seonghwa’s finger curled in and began massaging into his soft spot.

“You’re the only guy I’ve fucked.” He admitted absent mindedly, visibly preoccupied.

Seonghwa’s head cocked curiously. “Am I… better than the other girls you’ve fucked?”

Hongjoong’s eyes opened, meeting Seonghwa’s. “There’s been no girls, either.”

His finger slowed. “Hongjoong… did I…”

“God, don’t ask if you ‘took my virginity’.” Hongjoong rolled his eyes. “That’s such a stupid concept. You didn’t take anything from me. You gave me an insanely good orgasm, though.”

That made Seonghwa’s cock twitched excitedly and he added another finger into Hongjoong’s cunt, earning another sweet moan from him.

“But… I’m the first person you’ve ever had sex with?” Seonghwa pressed, unable to contain the curiosity about it.

“Yes.” Hongjoong replied, letting his head fall against Seonghwa’s shoulder, his hands tightening their grips on his arms. “You know I joined the company young, I haven’t really had a lot of time to find hookups. Plus, you know, like I said before, there’s not really a huge market for trans people.”

“Right…” Seonghwa slipped in one more finger, fucking the digits in and out of Hongjoong while he spoke. “Well… More for me. A lot of people are missing out but I won’t complain about not having any competition. I want to keep you.”

Hongjoong moaned, his legs going weak. Seonghwa tightened the arm he had around Hongjoong’s waist, holding him up as he thrummed his fingers rapidly into his g-spot, listening to the moans tumbling out of his mouth like they were the most Holy tabernacle he’d ever laid witness to.

“I’m all yours.” Hongjoong murmured between whimpers.

“Show me.” Seonghwa hissed into his ear, taking his fingers out and getting a disappointed whine from Hongjoong.

Ignoring the complaint, Seonghwa put a hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder and pushed him now, urging him onto his knees. Taking his hair into a fist, Seonghwa pulled his head back and fed his cock into Hongjoong’s open mouth with a sinful look in his eyes. The sight of his beloved Captain kneeling in front of him, looking up at him with big, submissive eyes, Seonghwa had to look away to keep from finishing too quickly. Just like before, Hongjoong sucked him off with a mouth so experienced Seonghwa found it hard to believe it was his first. He’d have to ask for some links to whatever fanfiction Hongjoong had been reading that had him this good.

“Okay, you proved your point.” Seonghwa gasped, pulling Hongjoong away with another loud pop.

“What?” Hongjoong asked coyly. “Have a problem with cumming down my throat?”

Seonghwa shuddered. “No. I just… don’t have the stamina to go twice in a row.”

“Eat me out afterwards, then.” Hongjoong shrugged. “Sex doesn’t always have to be penetrative.”

Seonghwa blinked down at him, a little surprised by that suggestion. “Oh… Okay… Do you-... Do you not want to have sex again?”

Hongjoong smiled fondly at him and pressed a teasing little kiss to the head of his cock. “Of course I do. And of course we will. Don’t get all insecure on me. If it’s that important to you, you can fuck me, I just want you to know there’s more to sex than just sticking your dick into me.”

“Fuck, you’ve got a foul mouth.” Seonghwa shivered, grabbing Hongjoong’s face between his thumb and two fingers. “Whatever those Atinys are writing has been a bad influence on you.”

Hongjoong looked away coyly. “Sorry, I’ll try to be less of a whore.”

“Be a whore all you want.” Seonghwa retorted, squeezing Hongjoong’s jaw so his mouth opened enough to stuff himself back inside. “Just make sure you’re my whore.”

Hongjoong hummed an acknowledgement that was quickly cut short by Seonghwa’s cock hitting the back of his throat. He coughed but held firm to Seonghwa’s thighs, showing no resistance as Seonghwa fucked into his face. It took less than two minutes for the pressure to build back up, his hot lust pouring down Hongjoong’s throat. Hongjoong swallowed, tightening his throat around the head of Seonghwa’s cock, earning another stuttered, gasping moan from him as he came. Once the last drop was eaten, Hongjoong popped off, making his signature sound, and licked Seonghwa’s tip one last time for good measure. Seonghwa practically collapsed to his knees, yanking Hongjoong into him and finding a heated kiss in his mouth.

“You really like that, huh?” Hongjoong teased when the kiss broke. “I feel like that kind of makes you the whore.”

“Does it?” Seonghwa asked, matching Hongjoong’s cockiness and shoving him back against the bottom of the tub. “What does this make you then?”

Before Hongjoong had a chance to spit out some smug retort, Seonghwa suctioned his mouth around Hongjoong’s clit and swirled his tongue around it, tracing circles and squiggles and various letters over it until Hongjoong’s legs were quaking around him. When he thought Hongjoong was getting close, he loosened his mouth and moved down to the hole to lap his tongue into it, holding back a smile at the disappointed whine Hongjoong gave at losing his orgasm. He gave no further complaints as Seonghwa pressed his tongue into him, though, his hips bucking every so often, jerking desperately against Seonghwa’s face. His hands sank into Seonghwa’s hair, tightening into fists to give him the same treatment Seonghwa had given him before. Forcing him to realign with his clit, Hongjoong grinded his hips against his tongue, holding Seonghwa in place as he chased his own orgasm with his mouth acting as a mere tool. Finally finding it, Hongjoong’s back arched, his thighs clamped around Seonghwa’s ears, and his whole body twitched until Seonghwa was just about to have to force himself out of Hongjoong’s clutches to surface for air.

“Like I said.” Seonghwa panted, wiping his face. “Whore.”

Hongjoong’s eyes struggled to open, drunkenly staring back at him through a haze. “Yeah… but I’m yours.”

Leaning in again, Seonghwa pressed a chaste kiss to Hongjoong’s lips, then another to his forehead.

“And I guess I’m yours.” He smiled. “Your body is so addicting.”