Archive of Our Own

The only thing that keeps us apart is seven thousand miles, running like a mad dog. The only thing that keeps us apart is a different time zone. - Maneskin, Time Zone.

Corroded Coffin were touring their third album, selling out venues up and down the country. Mainstream media had gone quiet on album number two, already bored with their own vitriol. But album three was darker, heavier, and had thrown the band into the stratosphere, followed everywhere by sensational headlines about Satanism and cults. The more the media tried to poison them, the bigger they seemed to grow, and what had started as the usual six month tour had been extended, the venues increased until they became stadiums.

Europe was calling, and so was Japan. There’d been talk when the new decade hit that the nineties would bring the death of metal. Manufactured pop bands were certainly riding the charts, but Corroded Coffin had never been interested in a top ten hit, and in the metal scene at least, they were thriving.

Steve tried to call Eddie as much as possible, but they were both busier than ever. Steve coached both basketball at the high school during the week, and then baseball on the weekends. And so many people wanted a piece of Eddie that he was rarely free to speak, especially now they had a new manager who insisted on all phone calls being patched through him first. Steve had called a dozen times only for Alan to tell him not right now Steve and hang up.

It was torture. They’d never gone so long with no communication, and yet Eddie was everywhere. On the news, in the magazines, on the radio... And then Steve would come home and the reminders were constant - Eddie’s clothes in the wardrobe, Eddie’s favourite mug unused in the cupboard. Steve was going out of his mind.

He ate dinner alone, as he did most nights, staring at the TV without watching it. All the kids had moved on, leaving Hawkins just like Robin had, off in search of new opportunities and communities that weren’t so close minded. Steve would have gone too, but he loved his jobs and with Eddie gone so often it seemed pointless to move somewhere and settle in without him.

Steve didn’t see it as a big deal that he felt lonely sometimes. He’d grown up in an empty house, his parents returning only for Christmas so they could play happy families a few days each year. Besides that, they might suddenly crash in on his solitude every few months, which was almost worse than the loneliness. They kept his allowance topped up and made sure he didn't want for any material thing, but their love had never been something he could ask for.

That was what made it so hard to be alone now. Eddie was so free with his love, showering Steve in it whenever they were together. Even when they’d first officially met, their conversation angry and awkward, Eddie had been a physical being, like he didn’t know how to exist without touching the nearest living thing. And Steve had been so different, uncomfortable at first, only used to physical touch when he was hooking up with someone - and that had definitely been off the cards with Eddie back then.

*

Steve knew of Eddie only in the vaguest sense; he was the freak of the school, already on his second attempt to graduate, and only good for supplying at parties. He was at Carol’s that night, same old metal lunch box in hand, hovering in a corner. People mostly just bought weed from him, but Steve heard he sold stronger stuff too.

He paid Eddie no attention, content to get his buzz from the gallons of beer available. The night started great - summer break had started at last, and Ellie Simmons was giving Steve all the right signals. Since Nancy had left him for Byers, Steve was desperate to find someone, anyone who could numb the constant ache in his chest.

He’d built up a pretty big buzz by the time Ellie pulled on his hand and dragged him upstairs. They found an unoccupied room and fell onto the bed together, and the room started to spin. Steve was struggling to eat - loneliness compounded by heartbreak was a real appetite killer - and the beer hit him harder than it usually did.

Ellie managed to guide his hand beneath her skirt, but soon noticed his predicament when she palmed at him through his jeans and found nothing worthwhile to grip.

“Steve?” She leaned in too close, and the taste of her cherry lip gloss and the overpowering scent of her perfume made Steve recoil. He managed to dislodge her before he began to heave, but then he was hanging off the bed and throwing up nothing but bile and beer onto the floor.

He couldn’t blame Ellie for getting out of there quickly, snapping at him that he was such a loser before she slammed the door shut. She was completely right, Steve was a loser. He finished vomiting and then started to laugh, rolling onto his back and flopping a hand over his eyes. It occurred to him that he’d always been a loser, but no one had noticed before, not when he was King Steve of Hawkins High and hiding behind so many walls the real him was invisible. It was hilarious.

When he finally stopped laughing he lay for a long time, staring at the white ceiling and trying to find any reason to move. He didn’t want to be here, surrounded by people who he cared nothing about, and who cared even less for him. But he didn’t want to go home either, where the silence was stifling.

In the end he dragged himself up and stumbled to the door if only so he could find a glass of water and rinse the sour taste from his mouth.

Back downstairs the party was raging. Everywhere he turned people were drunk or high, shouting, laughing, fighting… Steve looked for Eddie, desperate for anything that might take the edge off, but Munson had disappeared.

Steve checked everywhere, but Eddie was gone, probably off to another party to sell even more merchandise. Steve left too, miserable and drunk. He started the long walk home, dragging his feet and rubbing his eyes in an attempt to clear his vision.

He was halfway down the street when he noticed a beat up van, parked in the shadows between streetlights. It was still conspicuous, too different to the expensive cars parked in the surrounding driveways. Steve knew the van, had seen it parked in the Highschool lot, and outside almost every party he’d ever been to.

“Eddie!” Steve checked the driver's window but the front seats were empty. “Eddie Munson!” He called in a sing-song voice, slapping his hands on the side of the van as he trailed around to the back. “Open up!” He pounded harder when he got no response, both fists clanging on the back doors.

Eddie was ignoring him, it seemed. He was definitely not at the party, and when Steve glanced around he saw no other obvious place he would be.

“Eddie?” He called again, knocking lighter this time. “Hey man, I just wanna buy some weed okay?” Steve fumbled around in his pocket, finding his wallet and shuffling some notes out of it. He squinted at them, swaying, and fumbled so badly that he dropped a few onto the road.

“Shit.” He hissed, bending to retrieve them. When he stood again, he noticed that the back door wasn’t even fully shut. It had caught on the catch and had half an inch of space to get his fingers in.

“Eddie?” Steve tried the handle and grinned stupidly when the door swung open. “Ha! Listen man, I just want -” Steve fell short, blinking into the back of the van. It looked kind of cosy in there, with blankets and pillows strewn about to lounge against. It smelled strongly of weed, but that wasn’t a surprise.

Eddie was lying in the middle, and Steve thought for a moment that he must be really tired to fall asleep here.

“Hey, Eddie…” Steve clambered into the van and crawled to Eddie, who was lying on his side, one arm outstretched. “Hey.” Steve grabbed his shoulder and shook him, Eddie’s body moving like a dead weight. It was then that Steve noticed the small amount of vomit smeared across Eddie’s mouth and pooled on the blanket by his face, and Steve sobered up fast.

The way he saw it, he had two options.

One: return to Carol’s and call for an ambulance. But even if he could use the phone and be heard over the raging music all without being noticed, then the crowd would certainly notice when the ambulance arrived. Steve didn’t know Eddie at all, but he knew that if he was found overdosed in a van, he wouldn’t want half the school knowing about it.

Or two: Ignore all of his better judgement and drive to the hospital himself.

“Shit. Shit, shit.” Steve checked Eddie for a pulse, fingers shaking. He’d done basic first aid as part of his lifeguard training, and when he found a pulse - weak but there - he knew it would be better to leave Eddie on his side where he wouldn’t choke on vomit, than try and move him.

Steve clambered over the front seat and dropped behind the wheel. The key was in the ignition, like Eddie had been planning to drive away. Steve twisted it, mindless to how much he’d been drinking. Right then, he felt as sober as a judge, and when he started to drive, he couldn’t tell if his swerving was from the alcohol or from how fast he tried to get them to the hospital.

The roads were blessedly quiet, and by some miracle Steve screeched outside the accident and emergency department without killing them both.

“Hey! HEY! Help us!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, clambering back beside Eddie and using his feet to kick open the back doors. He slid from the van and gripped Eddie’s ankles, dragging him down to the door where he could be lifted out easier.

“HELP US!” He yelled, waving frantically at the glass doors of A&E. It took a minute, but then someone noticed him and raised the alarm. Seconds passed like hours to Steve, who was frantic with worry. If Eddie Munson died in his care, he would never live it down.

A team of people came running towards him, rolling a gurney with them. A man dressed in a paramedic uniform climbed into the back, checking Eddie’s pulse as Steve had done.

“Has this man taken any drugs tonight?” He asked calmly, two fingers to Eddie’s wrist, his other arm raised so he could watch the second hand on his watch.

“N - No. I don’t know I - I don’t even really know the guy.” Steve stood back, wishing he could leave but unable to move his feet.

The paramedic motioned at the two others with him and they came closer, the three of them moving Eddie swiftly out of the van and onto the gurney. They clearly saw this sort of thing all the time, especially tonight of all nights, with teenagers everywhere celebrating the start of summer.

“Do you know what he’s taken?” The paramedic asked Steve as they set off towards the hospital. Steve shook his head, jogging alongside them now it was obvious that they expected him to.

“I just found him like this. I don’t know if he took anything.” He insisted, unable to tear his eyes away from Eddie who was so pale he looked grey. They hadn’t even wiped the sick from his mouth, they just wheeled him straight through the busy A&E department. It felt so undignified that Steve wanted to cry.

“If you have any information it could save his life.” He was told sternly by the paramedic.

Steve shook his head, tears stinging in his eyes. “I don’t know.” He croaked, following them all the way to a long corridor. Three chairs were bolted to the floor outside of a pair of double doors.

“You can wait here.” The paramedic looked annoyed, nodding to the chairs before disappearing through the double doors with Eddie.

Steve stood around for a second, feeling stupid, and then gradually sank down onto the nearest seat. He wanted to leave, he knew he should leave, but something glued him to the chair.

Time passed in a haze, and Steve had no idea if it had been hours or minutes before a doctor approached him. She asked for his name, and then Eddie’s, a clipboard in her hands.

“Eddie Munson.” Steve said without hesitation. “Is he okay?”

“He’ll survive.” The doctor looked Steve over with a frown. “Are you family?”

“Yes.” Steve wasn’t sure why he lied. He wanted to see Eddie, but why? Morbid curiosity? The doctor cocked her head. “We’re brothers.”

“Different surnames?”

“Different dads.” The lie came frighteningly easy, like Steve had had a chance to rehearse and wasn’t frantically winging it.

The doctor waited and Steve just raised his eyebrows at her. Brothers with separate fathers was just controversial enough for the doctor to know better than to question, in case it came out as a criticism, so with a sigh she nodded and motioned for Steve to follow.

“Is your mother home? We need to speak to a parent.”

“She’s dead.” Steve said quietly, following the doctor through the double doors and along another corridor. It wasn’t entirely a lie… Everybody knew that Eddie lived with his uncle, and Steve’s mother may as well be dead for all he saw of her.

“I’m sorry.” The doctor was looking more and more uncomfortable. “Who is your legal guardian?”

“Um…” Steve swallowed. “Uncle… Munson.” He didn’t know the name of Eddie’s uncle, couldn’t even guess. The doctor was looking more and more suspicious.

“I moved out, years ago.” Steve just kept on lying, not sure why he was even doing it. “We have a complicated relationship.” He pulled a face and the doctor tried to look understanding.

“Well I’ll need to speak to your uncle. I assume he’s Eddie’s legal guardian too?”

“Yes.” Steve didn’t know a single piece of contact information. “I don’t know the phone number, I’m sorry.”

The doctor heaved another sigh but didn’t seem surprised. They entered a ward and she stopped to speak to the receptionist at the desk in the entrance. “Can you check for details on Eddie Munson for me? See if we have any contact information.”

Steve doubted they’d have anything, but the receptionist nodded and got to work. Steve followed the doctor further into the ward, which was dark and quiet this time of night.

“I would much prefer to talk when your uncle is here.” She explained as she drew back a curtain, revealing Eddie, asleep or unconscious in a hospital bed. “Just rest assured for now that he’s stable. We’ve pumped his stomach, and we can discuss everything else later.”

Steve just nodded, his throat dry. He didn’t know what to think let alone say. The doctor nodded and left him alone, drawing the curtain closed around the bed again.

Beside the bed was a single chair and a short stack of drawers like a small filing cabinet. A tall metal lamp provided the only light, the head tilted away from the bed so it wasn’t shining directly on Eddie.

Steve sat down in the chair, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. He grabbed the head of the lamp and turned it to shine over Eddie, casting him in stark white light that made his pale skin glow.

He had been cleaned up, at least, but there were dark shadows like bruises beneath his eyes and around his lips. A single IV drip fed into the back of one hand, a bag of clear fluid hanging beside the bed.

Steve stared, unable to help himself. Had Eddie overdosed by accident? The guy sold drugs, he surely knew how much he could take? Maybe he was just sick? The doctors might have pumped his stomach and found nothing.

Something deep inside Steve knew that wasn’t true.

As Eddie began to stir, his anaesthetic wearing off, he began to grow restless. First it was just twitching of his fingers and his eyebrows, but as Steve watched, he began to move more and more. His arms slid around atop the covers, and eventually his legs began to kick every now and then too, like he was fighting off invisible monsters.

The room was a bit warm, and Steve wondered if Eddie was just too hot. He stood, drawing the covers back a bit to try and make him more comfortable. His clothes had been taken off him, and he was dressed in a hospital gown, the thin material loose over his thin frame. His legs were long and bare, and as Steve exposed them, his eyes were drawn to long, angry red lines, carved into his skin. There were dozens of them, all over each thigh, some pink and healing, others freshly scabbed and many others turning white with age.

Steve dropped the blanket like he’d been burned but he couldn’t look away. He came closer, fingers hovering as if to touch. The lines were thin and neat, but there were so many of them, layered over each other where space had been running out. No one would ever see them when he was dressed, most of them would even be covered by long boxer shorts.

Steve turned away and grabbed the blanket, covering Eddie up again. It was time to leave.

He yanked back the curtain and came face to face with a tall, slender man. He had grizzled features and grey hair, his chin and cheeks coated in a thick layer of stubble. He looked exhausted.

“You must be Steve.” He said gruffly, gently pushing Steve back so he could step past the boundary of the curtain and draw it shut again. “Eddie’s long lost brother, huh?”

Steve flushed red to the tips of his ears. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered, knowing immediately this must be Eddie’s uncle. He had the same brown eyes that Eddie did.

“Don’t be.” The man reached out, taking Steve’s hand in both of his and squeezed. “They said if you hadn’t got him here when you did then he…” The man stopped, swallowing hard. Steve was speechless. “I didn’t even know he had any friends like you.” He looked Steve up and down, seeing him so clearly that Steve felt flayed.

“We’re not friends.” He said quickly. “I don’t even know him, really.”

“Well, you saved him anyway.” The man didn’t cry, looked like the sort who would be damned before he did, but his eyes still shone. “And then you lied like that, just so you could be by his side… So he wouldn’t be alone…” The man choked on his words and turned his head away for a moment.

Steve felt like the biggest asshole in the world.

“Thank you.” The man turned back to him, squeezing Steve’s hand hard again. “Thank you”.

“It was nothing.” Steve could hardly breathe. “Listen, it’s none of my business what happened okay? I’ll get out of your hair.” He pulled his hand away and hastened to leave, but the man stopped him with a word.

“It was his prescription.” He said, making Steve look at him over his shoulder.

“What?”

“His pills, for the depression.” The man sank heavily into the chair Steve had just vacated, one hand curling around Eddie’s. “That’s how they called me too. Had my number on file, for the prescription.”

“Oh.” Steve had no idea why he was being told any of this. It was far from his business, he was sure Eddie would hate for him to know.

“He could use a friend like you.” The man looked at Steve with those sharp eyes. “Someone who might stop him from being called a freak all the time.”

Steve shook his head, stomach twisting. Had he ever called Eddie a freak? Even if he hadn’t, he called plenty of other people freaks, and worse besides. He’d never thought for a single second that it could really hurt them, not like this .

“I can’t protect him Mr Munson-”

“Please, call me Wayne.”

“Wayne.” Steve repeated, cheeks pink. “I’m sorry, but I… I can’t help him. I don’t even know him.”

Wayne observed him for a torturously long second but then slowly nodded. “You have a good heart, kid.” He said earnestly. “I’m sorry I asked. It was dumb, I’m sorry, I’m just…” He blew out a long breath, shaking his head. “Just not thinking straight right now.”

“Of course. I understand.” Steve was edging closer and closer to the curtain. “I’m sorry Mr Mu- Wayne. But I really have to go.” Steve slid past the curtain, heart racing. “I uh, I hope he gets better soon.”

Steve didn’t wait for an answer. He turned tail and ran, escaping the hospital as fast he could.

That night, he lay alone in his room, the house silent and still around him. He stared at the ceiling, and tried to get the image of the cuts on Eddie’s thighs out of his mind.

*

Steve thought about Eddie constantly after that, his mind on an endless, torturous loop of cut thighs, sick smeared lips and Wayne Munson’s piercing gaze. He thought about Eddie from the moment he woke until the second he fell asleep, and often he dreamt about him too.

Steve felt just as obsessed with him now.

Eddie, his lover, his partner, the man he wanted to be with forever… He couldn’t get him out of his mind, and it brought up the same nauseous feeling he used to get all the way back then.

He ate breakfast each morning wondering if Eddie was even awake yet. Ate dinner alone each night, trying to remember which city Eddie was performing in, watching the clock for the exact moment he knew he would be on stage. He called every night before he went to bed, but no matter how conveniently he tried to time it, Alan insisted that Eddie wasn’t available.

Weeks were drifting by, and Steve was sick with melancholy. He couldn’t focus at work, so distracted that the kids he coached were starting to notice. His only respite came from the High School pool, which he was allowed to use when the kids all went home. He would swim lengths back and forth until his whole body was aching, until rising from the water made him feel as though he weighed a ton, legs wobbling when he stood in the shower.

He wasn’t eating well, and he could feel it in his clothes which seemed to get baggier every day. He decided to buy pizza that night, determined to eat the entire thing all by himself, and dropped into Family Video in search of a movie that might take his mind off things.

He searched the new horror movies that had dropped in, barely paying attention. He had worked here for a while after school, when he’d been trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. The girl behind the counter was about the same age as he’d been back then, her long auburn hair twisted around one finger as she watched him and blew bubble-gum pink bubbles between her lips.

Steve picked up IT and took it to the desk for the girl to slide in the two video cassettes. She swiped his loyalty card and smiled at him. Steve tried to smile back, but he was sure he must look awful - dead in the eyes - if the way the girl’s smile faltered was any clue.

Steve picked up his pizza and drove home. He tried Eddie first, just in case, but Alan was like a brick wall.

‘He’s not here Steve. I’ll tell him you called. Again.’

Steve listened to the dial tone for several minutes after Alan had hung up, eyes fixed on the wall, fingers clenched so tightly around the receiver that the plastic creaked under the pressure. He loosened his fingers one by one, his heart pounding so hard it made his head ache.

Eddie was all he could think about as he sank onto the sofa with his pizza, picking at it without eating much at all. He stared at the TV, trying to get scared enough by the movie that he would be able to focus on anything other than his own loneliness for a while. But even a killer clown wasn’t enough to stop him from reminiscing, thinking about the first time Eddie had ever actually talked to him.

*

It had been three weeks since Steve had rushed Eddie to the hospital and seen and heard far more than he had any right to. He couldn’t shake it from his head, no matter how he tried.

Eddie had been thinking about it too, just as incessantly as Steve had.

The summer break was in full swing, only it wasn’t summer break for Steve anymore. He had officially graduated, and had so far managed to keep his father off his back by applying for various jobs. It had always been a given that Steve would work for his dad when he left school but he could think of nothing he wanted less. When his father called, he insisted he had some great opportunities in the works, keeping deliberately vague. So far, he was mostly just trying to enjoy the summer, using the money his parents kept funnelled into his bank account to take it easy.

Robin had called that morning, and Steve was on his way out the door when Eddie appeared.

He was on the other side of the solid wood door, fist raised ready to knock, when Steve saved him the trouble.

For a second they both stared at one another in surprise, but then Eddie snapped out of it first and pressed his hand to Steve’s chest, pushing hard to march him backwards as he forced his way into the house.

“What the fuck Harrington?” He spat, eyes wild with anger.

“What the fuck what?” Steve fell back into the middle of the hall, hands raising automatically in a sign of surrender. Eddie looked furious, and Steve didn’t have it in him to try and fight the guy after all he’d seen. Especially not when Eddie still looked so unwell, skinny and pale with dark shadows beneath his eyes.

“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” Eddie demanded. “Why the fuck did you have to swoop in like that, huh? What’s the matter with you? You got some sort of hero complex or something?” He thumped at Steve’s chest with the flat of his palm, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make Steve’s pulse race.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“Yes you do!” Eddie smacked him again. “I know it was you, Harrington! Wayne told me!”

“No I mean - the hero complex thing?” Steve flushed red when Eddie narrowed his eyes at him.

“What?” He spat, unsure if Steve was just making fun. When he realised he was serious, his arm flagged and fell back to his side. “Are you really that dumb?”

“I’m not dumb.” Steve snapped, bristling. “At least I graduated High School.”

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Eddie looked enraged, and for a second Steve thought he might actually hit him - for real this time - but instead Eddie just gripped at his own hair and shook his head, eyes burning with so much upset.

“God, you really are such an asshole.” His voice was as venomous as before, but he sounded on the edge of tears now too. “Wayne seems to think the sun shines out of your ass, just my luck that you’d turn the charm onto my uncle-”

“Hey, I didn’t turn on anything.” Steve insisted, hands still up like a cartoon robber under a police spotlight. “I barely even talked to him. He just wanted to say thank you, what was I supposed to do?”

“You were supposed to leave me there!” Eddie shouted, the words bursting from him. “It’s my life! I get to choose if I want it or not!”

Steve was quiet, his eyes wide. Of course he knew what Eddie had been trying to do… But he’d spent the last three weeks trying to convince himself it had just been an accident. He tried to forget the cuts, tried to tell himself that Eddie had slipped just one too many pills, that he’d somehow forgotten how many he’d already taken. He’d imagined all kinds of scenarios to try and explain it all away; anything other than the truth.

“Eddie, I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t.” Eddie squeezed his eyes shut and dragged his hands out of his hair, rubbing them over his face instead. “Don’t fucking tell me you didn’t mean to save me. I know you drove my van to the hospital, I’ve heard all about your stupid little lie so you could get in to see me.” Eddie dropped his hands, glaring at Steve with glossy eyes.

“Well?” He demanded, sniffing. “Did you enjoy yourself? Hope you got your fill of it, of me. I guess I should just feel grateful that you didn’t have a camera with you. That would’ve made the school paper for sure -” Eddie spread his hands wide, picturing the headline, “Eddie The Freak saved by King Steve.” His hands dropped again, lips downturned. “Can’t imagine people would thank you for it.”

Steve felt as though he’d been punched in the gut. “That wasn’t - I didn’t - that’s not why I stayed.” He stuttered, eyes wide with horror. “I would never do that. I haven’t even told anybody about what happened - and I never will. It’s none of my business.”

Eddie frowned, but Steve spoke with such sincerity that he faltered. It was true that he hadn’t heard anyone talking about it, though he’d been expecting it. He waited every day to hear the first cruel whispers, but life was going on as normal. No one looked at him any different to usual, and with school out, his usual tormentors were too busy enjoying themselves to bother him. He thought Steve must have told them, that sooner or later they’d find him, if only to point and laugh… or worse, to finish what he, himself, had started.

“Why did you lie then?” He asked quietly, his hands trembling now his anger was dimming. It was taking all of his courage just to stand in front of Steve and confront him head on. Despite Eddie’s reputation for having a big mouth, he was terrified by the thought of any fight that wasn’t settled on the roll of a D20.

“Why did you pretend to be my brother just to see me?”

“I just…” Steve hesitated, brushing his fingers through his hair. He tried to think of a good reason, but in the end, he supposed he owed Eddie the truth. “I just didn’t want you to be by yourself.” He admitted, so softly that Eddie almost didn’t hear him.

“Huh?” He stared stupidly at Steve, who was looking more and more uncomfortable.

“I left as soon as your uncle arrived, okay?” He said a little more fiercely. “But I just… I didn’t want to leave you when you… when you looked so…” Steve squeezed his eyes shut, whispering the word like it physically hurt, “so vulnerable.”

“Huh.” Eddie fell back a step, jaw hanging. Steve could practically see his mind chewing over that, re-assessing. “Hero Harrington, just had to keep me company huh?”

“No.” Steve scowled. “I wasn’t trying to be a hero. I just… I found you like that and I just couldn’t leave you, okay? You can choose if you want to die or whatever, but you don’t get choose to make me an accomplice to your fucking suicide.”

Eddie stared at Steve in surprise and Steve’s stomach flipped. He hadn’t meant to say that, but when he tried to take it back, his tongue wouldn’t co-operate.

“I wasn’t…” Eddie looked upset, not angry any more, just so sad that Steve had the insane urge to hug him. “I didn’t mean to put that on you.” He sighed, turning his gaze away. “No one was supposed to find me. Not until after anyway… I would have done it at home but… Wayne.”

“I get it.” Steve had seen the pain in Wayne’s eyes himself. If he’d found Eddie dead, he would never recover, Steve was sure of it. “So you thought you’d do it outside a party.” He laughed without mirth, everything clicking into place. “I guess it didn’t matter if you ruined any of their lives, right? Everyone in that house was a dick to you anyway, so what if they got traumatised finding your corpse in the morning?”

Eddie had the grace to look sheepish but he didn’t deny it. “They’d have gotten over it.” He shrugged, voice quiet. “I was pretty sure of that.”

“I wouldn’t have.” Steve insisted, almost laughing again. “I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over what happened as it is. It’s all I can think about.”

“Really?” Eddie’s eyes were wide now, unguarded in his surprise. He had beautiful eyes, Steve realised, as big and brown as a cow’s.

“Maybe you’ve done me a favour.” Steve clutched at anything he could use to turn the conversation away from Eddie. “At least it stops me from thinking about Nancy.” He gave a weak, heartless laugh and Eddie cocked his head at him.

“I heard you two broke up.” He nodded, eyes flicking over Steve, reading him as plainly as Wayne had. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

“What?” Steve recoiled. “With you?”

Eddie shrugged, expression unreadable. “Sure, why not? You saved my life, so we’re like, connected now.” He waved a hand between them. “Shared trauma, it bonds people.”

Steve didn’t think for one moment that he and Eddie were bonded. He didn’t want to share his trauma, and he didn’t want to talk about Nancy either. He wanted to go and see Robin, and never think about Eddie Munson again.

Eddie waited, patient, and Steve stared into those ridiculously big eyes and felt himself crumble. He wasn’t sure what had possessed him, but he was powerless to it as he turned towards the kitchen and looked at Eddie over his shoulder.

“You drink beer?”

Eddie snorted, starting to smile as he followed Steve. “If it’s free, I’ll drink anything.”

*

Steve couldn’t manage the pizza, so he tried drinking a beer instead. He started the second half of the movie and sipped straight from the beer can, but there was no enjoyment in it. Even so, he finished one and started a second, and then a third, drinking in the hopes it would render him numb. Or at least help him pass out and get a good night’s sleep.

With barely any food in his stomach, he soon felt tipsy, and he rolled awkwardly off the sofa so he could walk to the phone. He jabbed at the buttons, Alan’s number engraved into his brain now. The show should have finished hours ago, but Alan wouldn’t answer the phone.

Steve rang again, and again, redialling over and over and cursing each minute he was left waiting. It was late, or early, depending on your perspective, but Steve had heard that sometimes there was an after-show party and they usually went on until sunrise. It seemed unlikely that Alan was in bed, he’d heard from Eddie how Alan liked to fuck around more than anyone else he’d ever met.

He was probably with some girl, or several, not answering his calls. He was the only one who could get a hold of the band, and Steve wasn’t giving up this time.

“Come on, you piece of shit.” He snarled, hoping and praying that whatever was happening, Eddie wasn’t falling into the arms of some other guy. Sober Steve knew that would never happen - not least because he and Eddie were still a secret from everyone other than their closest family and friends; Steve would lose his jobs if the school knew he was gay, and though metalheads were known to be much more open-minded, there was still too much stigma for Eddie to be comfortable being publicly out. He couldn’t risk being seen so much as holding hands with Steve, the love of his life, let alone to be seen sleeping with male groupies.

Besides, Eddie would never ever cheat on him, sober Steve knew that. But drunk Steve was an idiot. Drunk Steve was obsessing over the fact he hadn’t talked to Eddie for weeks now; that he had always felt somehow inferior, stuck in Hawkins whilst Eddie toured the world. Was it so crazy to imagine that Eddie might find someone he found more interesting? More attractive?

Steve dialled Alan again, forehead resting on the wall as he began to tremble. He could feel a lump rising in his throat, but he refused to cry. He felt like he was going insane, so desperate to speak to Eddie that he was tempted to look for the next flight out of Hawkins and go to him. If Alan tried to block him then, he could just punch the guy in the face.

Steve re-dialled.

As he listened to the ringing tone, chirping over and over in his ear, he missed the sound of a key scratching against the lock, the apartment door opening quietly as someone eased into the hall, tiptoeing around like a thief.

Steve had one hand flat on the wall beside his head, shoulders hunched and tensed as his other hand threatened to crush the receiver again. The ringing had almost become white noise to him now.

Soft hands touched his shoulders, but Steve was so drunk he barely jumped, only tensed up even more in surprise. He dropped the phone and let it hang, swinging on its spiral cord and still ringing by Steve’s knee. The hands on his shoulders slid down, finding his bare skin past the sleeve of his t-shirt, and he felt familiar callouses, four hard lines from years of playing guitar.

“Eddie?” He breathed, barely daring to believe. He refused to turn around, his eyes squeezed shut tight. If he turned, if he looked, Eddie might disappear, the dream broken.

“You ringing somebody important?” Eddie’s voice was low in his ear, playful. He hooked a finger around the phone cord and lifted the receiver, pressing it back to the base stuck on the wall. “Hope I’m not interrupting.”

Steve’s trembling became a shake, so intense that Eddie immediately circled his arms around him, squeezing tight to stop him from shaking right out of his skin.

“Baby? Won’t you look at me?”

“No.” Steve whispered, teeth chattering. “If I look, you might not be real.”

Eddie laughed, soft and breathy against the back of Steve’s neck. He kissed him, the lightest touch of his lips, and then gently turned him around. “I’m real baby… Flew four thousand miles, just for you.”

Steve dared to open his eyes, just a crack at first, but then wide when he saw Eddie looking at him. His hair was tied up, but too loose, so that several curls had slipped free and were trailing down his neck. He was drawn and tired looking, unshaven, pale; he smelled like the sterile air of an aeroplane. He looked like an angel.

“Eddie!” Steve flung his arms around him and fell against his chest, burying his face into his tattooed neck. He didn’t realise he was crying at first, not until he’d made Eddie’s skin so wet that it dampened his own face all the way from cheek to chin.

“Hi baby.” Eddie held him tight enough to bruise, his nose pressed to Steve’s hair. He didn’t comment on the crying, but he didn’t need to. He would understand, he always understood.

“Eddie, I can’t believe you’re here.” Steve sobbed. “I don’t understand,” he pulled back just enough so that he could look at Eddie, “what about the tour? Your shows? You can’t just leave, you have a contract.”

“That’s what Alan said.” Eddie grinned, looking far too pleased with himself. “I told him to fuck his contract. Said I was going home to make love to my boyfriend, and nothing anyone could say was going to stop me.”

Steve flushed pink, his own smile wobbly and disbelieving. “Eddie… You’ll get into so much trouble…”

“I don’t care.” Eddie cupped his jaw and pulled him into a kiss, and Steve was too drunk to worry any longer. He kissed him hard, over-eager and sloppy. Eddie pushed him gently back, eyeing him warily.

“Have you been drinking?”

Steve swallowed thickly and gave a sheepish nod. “I didn’t know you were coming… I didn’t drink much. I just haven’t eaten either.” He pawed at Eddie, not sure which part of him he wanted to touch first. “I’ll sober up soon, ‘specially when I get you inside me.” He settled on Eddie’s belt, tugging at it. He gave Eddie the most pathetic, longing, desperate look he could muster, and Eddie fell back to his lips with a soft groan.

They’d had drunk sex plenty of times, even had sex high, but never when one of them was sober. It hardly mattered though, there wasn’t a single scenario in the world that Steve could think of that would have him ever saying no to Eddie.

“Why don’t we eat first?” Eddie suggested, trying to pull on the brakes. Steve pulled him along by his belt, dragging him to the living room where they fell onto the sofa in a tangle of limbs.

“I don’t want food, Eds.” He said firmly, wrestling with the belt until he finally managed to get it open. “I want you inside me. I need it Eddie, I need it so bad I think I’m going to die if I don’t get it.”

“Christ, you’re such a drama queen.” Eddie laughed, shifting them around so that they weren’t in such a heap. He grabbed Steve’s limbs and arranged them until he was spread out on the cushions, pinned beneath Eddie and grinning stupidly at him. Eddie stroked his thumb below one of his eyes, gazing into them. He was definitely drunk, but still lucid enough to settle Eddie’s anxiety. His eyes were able to focus after a second, and he gazed right back at Eddie, his smile turning a little more serious and a little less idiotic.

“You flew all this way, just to make love right?” He asked, touching Eddie’s cheek with his fingertips, mirroring the line he’d drawn beneath his eye. “So stop wasting time.” His grin grew again and Eddie gave a low chuckle.

“Don’t you want to move to the bedroom?” He asked.

“No. Stop wasting time.” Steve dragged him in again, one leg sliding around the backs of Eddie’s knees to pull him closer as they kissed. Steve was eager, inhibitions lowered enough that he was filthy with it, tonguing Eddie’s mouth and sucking on his lower lip. He didn’t seem to care how wet it was, and Eddie wasn’t about to complain. He felt drunk too, purely on the relief of being here, now, with Steve back in his arms like he’d been dreaming about for weeks.

They shed their clothes with little finesse, caring only about getting naked as quickly as possible. As soon as their skin touched, Steve turned wild, and it was all Eddie could do to pin him down long enough to get a couple of fingers inside of him.

“Hurry up, Eds. I need you. I need you. I need you, I need you, I need-”

Eddie pressed the fingers of his free hand to Steve’s mouth, forcing two past his lips and over his tongue, shutting him up. Steve moaned loud, shameless in his hunger as he sucked at Eddie’s fingers and tilted his hips. It was too dry, and Steve complained for the entire thirty seconds it took for Eddie to sprint to the bedroom and grab the lube from the bedside drawer. But when he returned, he was finally able to finger Steve properly, slick fingers rubbing up against that sweet spot and making Steve’s face screw up with pleasure.

Eddie hadn’t fucked him drunk in years, but he was reminded by how much he enjoyed it. It was easy like this, when Steve was so relaxed and languid, one leg splayed over the back of the sofa and the other hanging off the seat edge. He was open in every way, and he was all Eddie’s.

When Eddie finally pushed inside, sinking into Steve like he’d been dreaming about the whole flight there, they both grew teary and breathless. Steve was too drunk to be embarrassed that he was crying, and Eddie couldn’t stop even if he tried, so he just let it happen.

The sofa made things easier, allowing Steve to be completely relaxed. His one leg was up over the back of the couch, and Eddie easily held up the other, letting Steve’s ankle rest on his shoulder as he thrust into him, deep and slow and too perfect for words.

“I love you.” He gasped, turning his head to mouth and kiss at Steve’s calf. “I love you so fucking much.”

“Love you too.” Steve sounded wrecked, his head thrown back against the arm of the sofa so that his throat was stretched and laid bare for Eddie. “Fuck, Eds, I’ve needed this.”

Eddie knew, he could feel it in the way Steve’s muscles gripped at him, the way his body clutched like grasping hands to keep him seated inside. It was all he’d been thinking about for too long now. It was more than just a physical need; every time he walked away from Steve it was like he had to tear off half of his soul, leaving him half a man, unable to truly live until he was back in Steve’s arms.

Eddie fell forward, free hand planted beside Steve’s head. He kissed his exposed throat, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne that had almost entirely worn away. Steve held tight to him, fingers spread across Eddie’s back, feeling the shift of each muscle and the sharp edge of his shoulder blades. He was babbling, talking nonsense that was full of love and pleasure as they rode the wave together.

Steve came first, sobbing as he clenched hard around Eddie and spilled between them. It was barely a second before Eddie joined him, his hips stuttering to a halt as he lost his rhythm, gasping and panting for air as he came.

They had needed each other so much, been apart without a word for so long, that an orgasm felt secondary to everything else. Eddie kept himself seated deep inside, relishing the warmth of Steve around him, wet now with his spend. And Steve just went on clinging to him, kissing at any part of him he could reach, both of their faces damp with tears.

Eddie brushed Steve’s hair back, the usually coiffed locks now tasselled across the arm of the sofa. He looked blissed out, his eyes shining, and Eddie was overcome.

“Hey… Hey, Eds…” Steve blinked in surprise as Eddie slumped against him and began to cry in earnest, face pressed into Steve’s neck, shoulders shaking though he barely made a sound. “Love, what’s wrong?”

Eddie shook his head, unable to speak. How could he talk about leaving, so soon after getting there? He knew he couldn’t stay, he already had a ticket for a morning flight. He had barely eight hours left before he had to walk out the door again, and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to do it.

Steve felt sober now, his heart aching as he simply held Eddie, their bodies still joined. As Eddie softened he slipped out, and Steve could feel that he was dripping between his legs, ruining the sofa. He didn’t care. He’d have plenty of time to scrub it clean before he had to worry about guests.

“I love you.” He whispered, working his fingers slowly through Eddie’s hair, untangling the curls and removing the band that secured them. “I love you so much. I’m so happy you came home, baby. I know you need to leave again, I know, okay? I know, and it’s okay.”

Eddie sniffed and nodded, trying to swallow down his sobs. Of course Steve knew, but it didn’t matter how much he said it, he also knew that it wasn’t okay.

“Don’t lie to me.” He whispered, turning his face up to look at Steve, his eyes red and watering. “I know when you’re lying Steve. And you promised, you promised we would never lie to each other.”

Steve swallowed, chest aching like he’d been staked, but he nodded. “I’m sorry.” He breathed. “You’re right, I’m lying, and I shouldn’t.”

Eddie gave a short nod, satisfied. He gazed into Steve’s eyes, and released a slow exhale. “It’s not okay, is it?”

Steve was dying. Eddie was flaying him alive. He was merciless, it wasn’t fair. But Steve had no choice, he had to hurt Eddie too. He had promised to never lie.

His voice wobbled as he answered. “No. It’s not okay.”

*

Steve wasn’t sure how he and Eddie had become friends.

Eddie had stayed for hours after their initial almost-argument in the hall, just drinking beer and talking about nothing really important. Steve had droned on and on about looking for a job, about how he’d barely scraped through school, wasn’t interested in working for his dad, and how it looked like he was destined for a life of retail. It must have been boring, but as the beer flowed and his tongue loosened, he opened up a little about his parents, how absent they were, and how Steve was maybe sort of terrified of cutting them loose and losing the allowance he’d never learned to live without.

When Eddie finally left and Steve lay awake in bed as he did most nights, he mentally berated himself for saying too much. Eddie lived in a trailer for God's sake, he already disliked Steve, and all he’d done was make himself sound even more like a spoiled rich kid. Talking about money and poor grades without considering how Eddie was heading into round three of his final school year, and barely had two cents to rub together.

Steve didn’t expect to ever see Eddie again. Not in any real sense. But he’d barely finished breakfast the next morning when Eddie showed up again.

“Are you busy?” He’d asked, looking sheepish on the doorstep. “I thought maybe… if you wanted, I mean… I’m not doing anything so…” He shuffled his feet and shrugged his shoulders, and Steve didn’t know how to turn him away. Maybe he didn’t want to turn him away.

By the end of the week, he was used to Eddie showing up unannounced. By the end of the second week, he’d started to expect it. He kept the fridge stocked with food and drink, taking an interest in cooking for the first time in his life because he finally had someone to share his meals with. He always cooked too much, insisted he wasn’t used to portioning yet, just to make sure that Eddie would take some home every evening and give it to Wayne.

By week three, Robin appeared, looking moody as she stormed into the house.

“Where the hell have you been? Are you avoiding me?” She demanded, looking Steve up and down. He was in his swim shorts, still dripping with water despite the towel over his shoulders. “Oh no, if you’ve been MIA because of some girl-” Robin stopped, looking over Steve’s shoulder to a sodden Eddie, who was helping himself to some lemonade from the fridge.

“Is that… Why is Eddie Munson in your house?”

Steve looked over his shoulder and shrugged. “He kinda hangs out here now.”

Robin was as stunned as she had every right to be, but Steve could kiss her when she just shrugged and accepted it without question. She gave him a look that made it clear she’d expect an explanation later, but then walked past him and greeted Eddie as warmly as she would any other person.

“Want some lemonade?” Eddie asked after she’d introduced herself. “Steve made it.”

Robin turned her wide, disbelieving eyes on Steve. “You made lemonade? YOU? You made lemonade?”

Steve huffed, cheeks turning pink as he folded his arms. “Yes. Problem with that?”

Robin grinned, her eyes twinkling as she looked him over and then shook her head. “Not at all. I’d love some.” She said sweetly, her grin turning wicked. She had a knowing look to her, as if she’d figured something out that Steve was being too stupid to see, but he didn’t get a chance to ask her about it. By the time evening rolled around and he was lighting up the barbeque to cook for them, he’d forgotten all about it.

*

Summer passed by in a happy, golden haze. Steve made a weak attempt to job hunt, but he was mostly just enjoying spending time with Eddie, who had slotted into his life like he’d always been there.

Robin adored him by the end of that first night, and the kids all but idolised him once they met him and learned that he played D&D. Eddie called himself a dungeon master, and Steve was surprised to find the phrase sort of hot.

He was not oblivious to the fact that he might have just the tiniest crush on Eddie. He wasn’t the first guy he’d been attracted to, but he’d never felt the need to act on those feelings. He expected the crush would fizzle away, as they always did. He was still hung up on Nancy, and Eddie was sure to grate on him after a while. Steve was used to his solitude, he was sure he would start to yearn for it again with Eddie spending so much time with him.

But weeks drifted by, and those feelings didn’t come. Instead, Steve began to miss Eddie when he wasn’t around. The house was too big, too silent; he’d been used to it before, but now Eddie had barged into his life and filled that house with so much heart that when he wasn’t there the loneliness was crushing.

The new school year was fast approaching, and Steve didn’t want to think about how he and Eddie wouldn’t be able to spend all day together anymore. He’d have no choice but to get a job, his parents weren’t going to accept his excuses for much longer. He and Eddie would be reduced to spending evenings together instead, but even then, Steve knew he had to hold back a bit. Eddie had to focus on his school work, he couldn’t distract him from graduating.

Steve had all the best intentions. He would enjoy the final few days of the summer break, and then he’d get serious.

But first…

Eddie was still selling at parties, but he had saved just enough of his good stuff to share one last joint with Steve.

“No more after school starts.” He’d promised, crossing his heart with his finger and then making a two fingered salute. “Scouts honour.”

Steve snorted. “Were you ever a scout?” He asked, smirking when Eddie shook his head.

“No Stevie boy, I was never a scout. Shocking, I know.” He nudged Steve with his foot, making him snigger.

They’d spent another long, hot day in the pool, but now they were in Steve’s bedroom, half naked and sprawled out on the bed. The window was open wide, but there wasn’t much of a breeze to cool them. It was nice though, Steve loved the summer.

Eddie hated it. But then, he’d never had a friend with a swimming pool before. And he didn’t have to feel shy about being shirtless around Steve. Despite what he’d once thought of him, Steve had turned out to be a good guy, and Eddie was completely comfortable with him.

“Now, this stuff is potent.” He warned, rolling the joint with practised motions. “Go slow.”

Steve nodded, leaning up onto his elbows, taking the joint once Eddie had lit it and taken the first drag. They’d smoked together before now, but Steve could immediately tell that Eddie had been holding off on him.

“Wow.” His voice came out thick and he chuckled. “I feel like I should pay you for this.”

Eddie looked at him seriously. “Friends don’t pay.” He said simply, both of them inhaling a couple more pulls before Eddie took it away and left it smouldering in the ashtray on Steve’s bedside table.

They spread out even more, pressed side to side on Steve’s bed, Eddie on his back, Steve on his front. They talked, as they always did, relaxing more as each minute passed.

Eddie closed his eyes after a while, so mellow that he barely noticed Steve’s fingers at first, only becoming aware of them when they brushed tenderly over a fresh cut.

Eddie’s eyes snapped open and he looked down at Steve, who was focused on his thigh and gently moving his shorts up his leg.

“What are you-?”

“You still do this?” Steve sounded devastated. He ran his finger over the freshest cut, scabbed over but still bright in colour. His touch hurt, just a little, and Eddie felt goose bumps rising on his arms.

“Only sometimes.” He said quietly, too high to say otherwise. “It helps.”

Steve shook his head, finally looking up to meet Eddie’s eyes. “Why?”

Eddie thought about it for a moment, trying to pull the answer through the fog in his brain. It was both difficult and easy, the words coming slowly, but with no accompanying shame this time. “It’s control.” He finally said. “When everything feels wrong… When it feels like things are just happening to me, and not because of me… It helps. I can’t control my own life sometimes, but I do control this.” He gestured vaguely to his leg. “I can decide when I hurt, when I do this.”

Steve still didn’t understand. It seemed to him that Eddie hurt all the time, whether he was the one making the cuts or not.

“I don’t like it.” He said honestly, crawling closer so he could brush a kiss to the scars and scabs that covered Eddie’s flesh. “It hurts me too.”

Eddie’s breath caught and he tried desperately to push down his feelings as Steve kissed him. He touched every single cut with his lips, old and new. He didn’t seem to care how ugly they looked, didn’t mind the texture of scar tissue or dried blood.

“Steve…” Eddie’s voice wobbled and he wished he’d smoked more. He didn’t feel nearly high enough for this.

“Shh.” Steve sprawled over his leg so he could reach the other. “Just let me.”

Eddie kept obediently silent, staring in wonder as Steve gave his other thigh the same treatment. There was a cut here even more recent than the other, and when Steve touched it, it bled. It was only slight, but it stung, but Steve ignored Eddie’s whimper and licked the blood away with his tongue.

Eddie went dizzy, his chest heaving. It was the most intimate thing he’d ever felt, having someone look at him like this and kiss him right where he couldn’t hide the ugliest parts of his soul. He was hard in his shorts, and he knew Steve must be able to tell, but Steve was as relaxed as ever, intent on the task he’d set himself. Only once he’d kissed every single cut did he finally let up.

“Do you still think about it?” He asked.

Eddie didn’t have a clue how to answer. Right then he was thinking about one thing only - the way Steve kissed him, the way he licked his blood like it didn’t disgust him at all - but he got the feeling that wasn’t what Steve was talking about.

“I… Don’t know?” He squeaked.

“About killing yourself.” Steve clarified, his words blunt, expression completely calm.

“Oh.” Eddie felt more exposed than he’d ever felt in his life. He wanted to look away, but Steve’s eyes had captured him and he couldn’t. He licked his lips, and shook his head. “No. No, I don’t think about that anymore.”

Steve stared at him for so long that Eddie wondered if he just hadn’t heard, but then he frowned and started to move over him like a panther, crawling up his body and then slinging a leg over his hips, caging him between all four limbs as he hovered over him.

“You’re lying.” He whispered, their noses almost touching. His eyes were dark from the weed, but no less stern. “Don’t lie to me Eddie.”

Eddie was breathing too hard, it was embarrassing. And he was still erect, tenting his shorts. He felt completely humiliated.

“I don’t think about it.” He insisted, and Steve narrowed his eyes. Eddie’s resolve crumbled. “I don’t think about it when I’m with you.” He amended, so quiet he was barely audible.

Steve relaxed, his gaze softening again. “Is that the truth?”

Eddie nodded. “It’s the truth… I won’t lie to you Steve. If you can swear you’ll never lie to me too?”

Steve smiled and offered Eddie his pinkie, so close to his face that Eddie went cross-eyed. “I swear. We always tell each other the truth from now on, no matter what.”

Eddie hooked his pinkie finger around Steve’s. “Promise.” He said seriously, even starting to smile.

“Promise.” Steve echoed, and then he cupped Eddie’s face in both of his hands, and kissed him.

*

Eight hours was not long enough, not after so much time apart.

Eddie made them a strong cup of coffee to share, both of them determined to stay awake through the night, then re-joined Steve on the sofa. Steve had sobered up now, and they shared the cold pizza as they watched the end of IT together, neither of them remotely interested in the movie.

Steve had to begrudgingly admit that he did feel better now he’d eaten, some of that unbearable anxiety melting away now he had a full stomach. It also helped that he had Eddie in his arms, leaning against his chest, eyelids drooping as the film credits rolled.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Steve whispered, giving Eddie a gentle shake. “Come on Eds, we said we’d stay awake.”

“I’m awake.” Eddie jerked upright, his hair dishevelled and face pale. He looked on the brink of passing out, but he slapped his own cheeks until he felt a little more lucid.

“Come to bed with me?” He grabbed Steve’s wrist and dragged him up, not giving him a chance to answer before pulling him to the bedroom.

They were both exhausted, near-delirious and heart sick. Neither of them could stop looking at the digital clock on the nightstand, counting down the minutes to Eddie’s departure. Steve almost wondered if it would have been better if Eddie just kept away.

They kept themselves awake in the only way they cared to.

This time, Eddie seated himself over Steve’s hips and rode him like a man possessed. Steve could only lay down and take it, mouth hanging open as he stared at Eddie, drinking in the sight of him. He’d got even more tattoos whilst on tour, and his nipples were pierced now too. He looked incredible, his hair longer than usual, his body a little too skinny… Steve wanted to crawl inside his chest and sleep there forever.

“I love you.” He gasped, for the millionth time. He’d said it so much already that the words were starting to sound nonsensical, but he couldn’t stop. He was like a broken record, stuck on the same phrase, whispering I love you, I love you over and over until his tongue was numb.

His hands found Eddie’s hips and then moved, sliding down his body, grabbing his thighs and squeezing. He’d tattooed them both, trying to hide the scars that had turned pearly white with time. They were barely visible beneath the dark clouds of bats that covered them, but Steve could still feel them, like layers of criss-crossed string. They were the bonds that had first pulled them together, whispery faint lines of something that could not be broken, could not be denied or tattooed over.

“Steve…” Eddie’s voice was wrecked as he rolled his hips, grinding himself over Steve now, too tired to bounce. “Promise me you’ll keep waiting… promise you’ll be here when I get back again.”

Steve leaned up on his elbows, one hand fisting into Eddie’s several necklaces to drag him down for a kiss. “I promise.” He swore, and he meant it just as much as he had the first time.

*

Steve stood with Wayne, watching in quiet disbelief as the van was packed to bursting with everything the band needed.

He was still trying to come to grips with it, still trying to work out how this had happened without him even noticing. He’d been distracted for a while, he realised, too caught up in the excitement of finding a job that he actually loved and excelling at it.

Eddie had been nothing but supportive when Steve had accepted the position at Hawkins High, returning to his old kingdom to coach the sport he loved best. Eddie had even come to the first game of the season, even though it gave him so much anxiety to step foot in the gym where he’d once had his head smashed into the floor by some asshole jock. He cheered for the team -even though the basketball team of his final year (his actual final year) had tormented him endlessly - because these were new kids, and Steve was the new coach, and he wanted to be there for him.

So how could Steve so much as consider not being as supportive in this?

He’d gone to a few Corroded Coffin shows, sitting in sticky bars and smiling even though the music was loud and not to his taste. He wore the homemade t-shirts and listened to every new song that Eddie would share with him. He told him all the time how amazing he was, and he believed it, but somehow he still hadn’t seen this coming.

The guys had finally scraped up enough money to hire a recording studio for two days and record a demo. It only had four songs, but they sent it to every record label they could think of and for weeks the rejection letters had been sending Eddie into a downward spiral.

But then one day a letter came that had Eddie screaming in surprise, so overcome with shock and joy that it took Steve ages to wrestle the paper from his hands so he could read it himself - Eddie was far too gone to form any coherent sentences himself.

After that, it had all been such a whirlwind. Steve wasn’t even a year into his new job, so he was busy, concentrating on a stupid basketball tournament and not noticing how Eddie was practising with the band so often now. Of course he missed him when he went away for a month, holing up in some fancy studio in LA to record a real album. Steve didn’t know enough about the music industry to realise that that was a very fast turnaround, didn’t know that the label were eager to get Corroded Coffin on the road and into the spotlight.

He was just so stupid. So distracted. So convinced that he and Eddie were the same; that they’d be in Hawkins together, forever. Maybe they would be admired on a local level, but it wasn’t like either of them were going to become superstars or anything.

Except now Eddie was leaving, and it wasn’t for just a couple of weeks to trundle around various seedy bars either. It was a real deal tour. Small venues, sure, but with the opportunity for it to get bigger. After all, the album had just dropped and already it was causing a stir.

“I’ll be back before you know it.” Eddie had promised him last night, fingers stroking through Steve’s chest hair.

Wayne had taken a night shift, ensuring their privacy for what was to be their final night together in a while. Wayne Munson was a saint, accepting their relationship without question, and without the need for any discussions. They hadn’t been anywhere near as subtle as they thought they’d been, and Steve supposed, looking back, that their frequent sleepovers might have been a give away.

For the most part, Eddie stayed at Steve’s, but sometimes it was just easier for Steve to go to Eddie’s. And it wasn’t like the trailer was soundproof, even though they tried so hard to be quiet.

They always waited until they were sure Wayne was asleep, usually still in his chair by the TV. But they were young and in love and utterly incapable of keeping their hands off each other.

They’d tried just about everything they could think of, playing around and finding out what felt good. But when it came to the penetrative stuff, they were both relatively clueless and their awkward fumbling with it wasn’t leading to very good results. Steve always found it too painful to get any more than just the tip of Eddie inside, and though Eddie was much more comfortable with it, the drag was always too much.

Both of them felt that aching need though. They had been together for a whole year at that point, mostly in secret, so they thought, but they’d both fallen so hard that they were desperate to feel that intense intimacy.

Their whispered conversations about it and failed attempts to figure it out were put to an end when Wayne stepped in, silent but effective, as was his way.

Steve thought he’d die of embarrassment when he and Eddie went to his bedroom and found a bottle of lube and packet of condoms on the pillow, along with a couple of pamphlets about safe sex between men.

Eddie had gone so red that it had taken ages for Steve to persuade him to stop hiding behind his hair, and even longer to kiss away the hot flush from his cheeks. The realisation that they were nowhere near as subtle and secret as they thought was a real mood killer, but they’d gotten over it by the next night. It turned out that lube really was key, but Steve had only been with women before and Eddie had never been with anyone, so how were they supposed to know? It wasn’t like sex-ed had covered any of this.

As for Wayne, he never needed a big coming out story, from either of them. He simply nodded at them over his coffee cup the next morning, and never said anything more about the items he’d left on the pillow.

Eddie was similar to his uncle in many ways, and so he made his and Steve’s relationship official by simply taking Steve’s hand as they stood by the kitchen counter, waiting for their bread to toast. Wayne had looked at their laced fingers for a moment, cocked a small smile, and sniffed.

“Good.” He’d said with a pleased nod and Eddie had grinned. “So you’ll be joining us for thanksgiving then Steve?”

After that, they came out gradually to their friends. Robin first, who just slapped Steve around the head and called him a dingus . Turned out she’d known even longer than Wayne had.

The kids (Steve could never think of them as adults, no matter how old they got) were surprised, but all of them were overjoyed. It was all so easy, coming out felt like a celebration, for a while at least.

Of course, Steve’s parents had to be the ones to burst the bubble. Steve told them separately over the phone, unsure when they’d be home to do it face to face. And maybe a part of him was terrified to do it anywhere where his father could actually throttle him.

His mother took the news quietly. She barely reacted, didn’t ask who Steve was seeing exactly, and hung up barely three minutes after he’d landed the bomb. His father, on the other hand, stayed on the phone for as long as Steve could handle, yelling down his ear - A bisexual son was as bad as a gay son if he was dating a man, he was the shame of the family, he’d been nothing but a disappointment, a free-loading let down, he was to leave the house immediately, his accounts would be cut off, he was out of the will, out of the family, disowned; frankly, he should feel lucky that he wasn’t going to be dismembered as well.

Steve had expected nothing less, but it still hurt. In the end, he’d packed only one bag, taking only a few clothes and the essentials. It wasn’t like there was a ton of room in the trailer for him to take much, and the less reminders he had of his life up until that moment, the better.

It had been his turn to spiral then, crumbling in on himself in a way he’d never really done before. He stopped getting up for work, stopped showering, stopped caring about everything except Eddie, and even then he didn’t have the energy to show him he loved him.

Eddie took it all in his stride. He called Family Video after Steve’s second no-show and spun them a tale about a family emergency and promised Steve would be back as soon as he could. His boss was still pissed, but Eddie managed to save him his shitty job.

Then Eddie saved him too.

After a week of laying in bed, refusing to move no matter how Eddie tried to make him, Steve was starting to feel disgusting. He hadn’t brushed his hair since he’d left his family home, hadn’t brushed his teeth, hadn’t showered, had barely eaten. Eddie could have turned his nose up at him and called him out on it, could have said he didn’t want to lie beside him at night because he stank, and it would be true. It was what Steve deserved. But instead, Eddie just quietly asked if he was ready to shower yet, and when Steve buried himself deeper beneath the covers in answer, Eddie had left the room and returned with a big bath towel and a plastic bowl full of soapy water.

He lay the towel down and dragged Steve onto it, and washed him clean with a washcloth, right there on the bed. He kissed every bit of freshly scrubbed skin, and whispered to Steve how much he loved him. He promised he would never leave, that he was here for the long haul, that he didn’t care how long it took, he was going to get Steve through this.

Steve hadn’t even realised he’d put up such a hard shell until it was so tenderly pulled away, and he was left sobbing in Eddie’s arms, damp and smelling of lavender. He didn’t even know Eddie owned lavender soap and realised he’d bought it just for him.

Eddie deserved more than Steve was giving him, and Steve realised it was time to snap out of it. His father had never loved him, and Steve had always said he didn’t care but the truth was that he’d been desperate for that love his whole life. But Eddie did love him. He loved him so much he was washing him clean and feeding him bites of food from his fingers, and he never once called him stupid or disgusting or told him to get over himself.

Steve had to do better.

Eddie knew how it felt to be depressed, he knew all too well how just getting up in the morning could feel like trying to swim through tar. But Steve did it. He got up the next day, and he brushed his teeth and styled his hair and went to work, even though Eddie could see the effort was crushing him.

For a while Steve just moved through the motions, faking it. But he didn’t need to fake it with Eddie. Eddie understood.

It took months for Steve to look really human again, for the light to return to his eyes. His parents had done a number on him for sure, but when the storm began to clear, and Steve realised that this was his clean break, that he never had to see them again, he began to get that spark in his eyes again.

And then he’d seen the advert for the basketball coach position, and he’d got the job, and he’d started putting away real savings and he could maybe start looking at an apartment for them to move into and -

And then Eddie was leaving.

The van was packed, the guys ready to go, and Steve was trembling. Eddie hugged Wayne goodbye first, then made his way around their friends who had all assembled to see him off. He got to Steve last, his smile turning sad as he held his hands, right there on the grass where anyone who cared to look would see.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” He said quietly, reaching up to wipe Steve’s cheek when a tear fell. He wanted to kiss him, but Steve couldn’t risk his sexuality being exposed. He could lose his job. He could explain away the tears and even the hand holding, if some asshole called the school, but he couldn’t explain a kiss.

“I’ll miss you too.” He said, voice trembling as badly as his hands. “But I’m so proud of you Eds, I know you’re going to have the best time out there.”

Eddie smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes. “I’ll call you every night.” He promised.

“I’ll be waiting.” Steve tried his best to smile.

“Will you, Steve?” Eddie asked, suddenly more serious than he’d been all morning. He kept his voice low, his eyes wide and hopeful. “Will you wait? For me?”

Steve knew that Eddie didn’t just mean for a phone call, and he realised that Eddie was scared, that some part of him actually believed that Steve wouldn’t be there when he returned.

Steve gripped Eddie’s hands tight, steeling himself and forcing his voice to level as he answered, “I’d wait forever for you Eddie. I promise.”

As far as Steve was concerned, there was no future he could see without Eddie in it. Eddie leaned in, like he would kiss him, but then he remembered and he slowly shrank back.

“I love you.” He mouthed at him, letting his hands go and reluctantly heading to the van.

Steve held it together long enough to watch the van move out of the trailer park, around the corner and out of view. He took deep breaths and clenched his fists and kept himself composed until he was safely back inside the trailer, and then he fell to pieces with Robin holding him as he cried.

*

The goodbyes never got any easier.

Steve drove Eddie to the airport and followed him as far as he could go without a ticket. The nineties had brought a little more tolerance, and they could at least kiss in public now, though chastely and as privately as possible.

They found a quiet corner where they weren’t too noticeable and shared a quick but tender kiss. Eddie had tied his hair up for the flight, but Steve couldn’t resist using his finger to pull a lock free, letting it frame Eddie’s face on one side. He looked exhausted, his face gone sallow with lack of sleep and lack of real food, but he was still breathtakingly handsome to Steve.

“When will you be back?” Steve asked quietly, too tired to work it out for himself. Besides, the tour dates kept changing, extending longer and longer as more dates were added. He could barely keep up when he was wide awake.

“We head to Europe in two weeks.” Eddie sounded apologetic as he reminded Steve. “Then it's on to Japan and Australia. Should be done by Christmas but it’s hard to say, honestly.”

“Christmas.” Steve repeated, the word sounding hollow in his mouth. That was six months away. “Eddie… Christmas?”

“I know, I know.” Eddie kissed Steve’s hands, holding them tight in his own. “There’s just so much happening around the actual shows. Music videos and interviews and photo shoots, it drags the whole thing out even more and-”

“But you’ve already been gone for six months.” Steve was starting to sound manic, he could hear it, but he couldn’t lower his voice or calm the rising panic in his chest. “We’ll have been apart for a year, a whole year Eddie. And you’ve had to break your God damn contract just to see me for one fucking night.”

“Shh.” Eddie hissed, holding a finger to Steve’s lips. “I know baby, I know. But this is how it is for any band on the road.”

“It wasn’t like this before.”

“We’re bigger now, Steve.” Eddie looked heartbroken. “We’re charting higher than Metallica right now. Metallica. It’s more than I’ve ever dreamed of, Steve.”

“And what about my dreams, Eddie?” Steve dragged him a little deeper into their corner, spitting his words quietly but with venom now, his fear taking over all rational thought. “What about your promise that we’d buy a house together? What about the promise that we’d get the summer together? You know I can’t get time off work during the term time, and I can’t just drop everything and fly out to see you.”

“I know.” Eddie cradled Steve’s jaw in one hand and tried to kiss him, but Steve leaned back.

“I want to spend my life with you Eddie.” He whispered. “But right now all I’m doing is waiting around.”

Eddie looked wounded and Steve felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. “You really want to have this conversation right now?” Eddie asked quietly, looking around at their surroundings. “Here?”

Steve blushed and pulled away from Eddie’s hands. “Where else are we supposed to have it?” He asked, his voice thick. “I feel like I see you in airports more than I ever do at home.”

“That’s not fair Steve.” Eddie scowled. “When the tour’s over I’ll be home again for a while, like I am every time. You said you would wait for me, you promised you would wait.”

Steve scrubbed a hand over his eyes and took a deep breath. They couldn’t talk about it here, Eddie was right. It was too public, and time was too short. He swallowed down his feelings and forced a weak smile.

“I know. I know, you’re right. I promised, and I meant it.” He stepped close again and kissed Eddie’s cheek. “I will wait, Eds. I’m just going to miss you, that’s all.”

Eddie softened and touched his forehead to Steve’s for a moment. “I’ll miss you too. I miss you so much it kills me sometimes.”

Steve held onto Eddie’s hands for as long as he dared, his heart racing. He didn’t want to let him go, he wanted to throw himself on the floor and scream and shout like an angry child. He wanted to hold onto his legs and force Eddie to drag him along if he wanted to walk away. He wanted to buy a ticket and get on the plane with him and forget his jobs and the apartment and all of his responsibilities. He would ride around with Eddie and moon over him like a pathetic little groupie and give up everything he’d worked so hard for.

Steve didn’t do any of those things. He let Eddie go when they ran out of time, and he forced a smile and kissed him one last time and walked him right to the check-in gate.

“I love you.” He whispered. “I’ll be okay, I promise.”

He was lying.

Eddie didn’t notice.

*

The waiting was torture.

Steve kept busy, working hard and then hitting the pool after work each evening, just to fill his time. He picked up a weekend job coaching baseball and called Eddie at every available opportunity.

The band were loving their tour, and Steve was soothed by the excitement in Eddie’s voice every time they talked. He was so happy things were going well, that Eddie was finally living his dream; it made it easier to stomach the pit of loneliness that grew each day.

The first tour finished after just a few months, and though Steve had been tormented without Eddie, it also seemed to have flown by. He’d been so busy, moving out of the trailer (it just felt wrong to be there without Eddie) and getting settled in a small apartment in the centre of Hawkins. He’d barely gotten used to it before Eddie was home again, and then they got busy having sex in every room.

The joy of having Eddie home was immeasurable, and best of all, it was summer break again so Steve only worked the weekends. They filled their time with laughter and good food and even better sex, and time slid by too quickly.

Eddie was able to persuade the label to let him and the boys write their music in Hawkins, leaving only once they were fully ready to record. Eddie kept the label dangling, able to scrape enough extra time that they didn’t record until Spring break and this time Steve accompanied them to LA.

He watched them in the record studio, bursting with love for Eddie who had grown in confidence and was starting to really take on the look of a rockstar. He tattooed his hands and neck, a symbol of his determination to never have to work a “normal job”, and they were free to roam around LA hand in hand, where no one gave them the slightest bit of interest.

It was the best month of Steve’s life, a taste of something bigger that he hadn’t known he wanted. He thought about them moving out to LA permanently. Maybe if the band got big enough, they could buy a house with a really big yard. Steve didn’t care about having a fancy place like his parents, but he did miss the pool, and Eddie loved animals… Being apart during tours would be easier if Steve had a plethora of animals to take care of and a pool right in his backyard to swim in.

They talked about it at night, when they were orgasm-loose and lounging in the hotel bed together. They talked about their future a lot, imagining all kinds of scenarios, planning for a long life together. It felt so easy, so certain, they were still so young…

The second tour was longer than the first. People were starting to really pay attention, and not just because of the vitriol from the mainstream media. People were paying attention now because Corroded Coffin were good, and the label funnelled more money into them, churning out a few videos to go with the album and increasing the size of the venues on the tour.

Steve went back to his normal daily grind, working, working out, sleeping. But it was harder this time. The tour got extended once then twice. The phone calls were less frequent. More and more people were after a piece of Eddie and Steve was getting shuffled to the back of the queue.

The tiny apartment started to feel too big. Steve lay awake each night thinking about how he’d spent so much of his life alone, and how Eddie had changed all that; but now he was alone again. And Robin had gone, and the kids were gone, and their bi-annual meetups weren’t enough. Not when he saw Eddie so infrequently as well.

This time when the tour finally ended and Eddie returned home, he was drained. Steve didn’t mind, he felt drained too. For a week they just stayed in bed, emerging from the bedroom only to shower and eat. It was good, but it was desperate. They clung to each other, trying to heal the cracks in their soul that being apart created.

Things settled eventually. Steve worked, and Eddie wrote music, and they ate dinner together every night and talked about houses. Corroded Coffin were big enough now that Eddie was earning actual money, and Steve’s jobs paid pretty well too.

The dark winter months were filled with fairy lights and long evenings round Wayne’s, eating take-out and checking out the property pages of the local paper.

“You sure you want to stay ‘round Hawkins forever?” Wayne frowned one night as they circled another potential house.

“We’ve thought about not…” Eddie glanced at Steve. “But you’re here,” he said to Wayne, “and Steve has the coaching stuff too.”

“He could coach at any school in the world.” Wayne scoffed. “Hawkins is no place for boys like you. You should be somewhere that’s more modern. Somewhere you don’t have to hide.”

“It’s not the right time yet.” Steve said quietly whilst Eddie struggled to think of a response. He touched Eddie’s hand under the table, squeezing. “Moving to a different state is a lot of work, and the label wants the third album to drop by Christmas. Eddie’ll be back on tour again soon.” Steve tried not to show how much that killed him but Wayne had a look in his eyes like he knew.

“Well… I guess maybe after that then.” He sighed.

Eddie leaned closer to kiss Steve on the cheek. “It’d just be nice to have somewhere bigger than the apartment.” He explained. “Maybe we can get a puppy before I leave again.”

Steve grinned. “I’d like that.”

They didn’t get a puppy.

They didn’t buy a house, either.

In the end, time ran away from them and Eddie was leaving for tour number three before they’d even had a chance to go to the bank. Steve resigned himself to the fact that he would just have to wait, and tried not to feel upset about it. They’d only been together for eight years, and for six of those Eddie had been an official touring musician, in and out of Hawkins as the band grew.

It wasn’t like Steve cared that Robin and her girlfriend had only been together for three years and were already in a cute little house in San Francisco. It wasn’t like he felt irrational jealousy over Mike and El getting married that year. Or like he cried for all the right reasons, and maybe a few wrong ones too, when Dustin called to say that Suzie was expecting their first child.

It wasn’t like he and Eddie could have those things anyway. They couldn’t get married, or have children. The house was the one thing, the one big commitment they could make, and it would happen when it happened. Steve was willing to wait for it.

He could wait for it.

*

Alan was as big of a pain in the ass as ever, blocking Steve at every turn whenever he tried to call Eddie. He begged to speak to him the night of their flight to Europe, desperate to hear his voice before they were separated by more than just miles. This time, they would have a literal ocean between them. Different countries. Different time zones. It felt momentous.

“Steve, do you know what my job actually is?” Alan asked him, his tone monotonous.

“Tell me.” Steve growled, certain that Alan was going to whether he wanted him to or not.

“My job,” Alan drawled, “is to make sure that Eddie is kept undistracted. My job should be organising their tour, keeping up with their commitments, getting them where they need to be as smoothly as possible. But oh no, I need a whole team to do that, because I’m so busy tending to your boyfriend and keeping his mind on the job.”

Steve frowned, hands sweaty where they clutched the phone to his ear. “I don’t understand.”

“Every time you call him, every time you two are allowed to fawn over each other and cry over how much you miss each other, Eddie gets in a funk. And do you know what’s not good for metal, Steve? Funk.”

Steve squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just want to say good luck, that’s all.”

“I’ll pass the message on.”

“No!” Steve snapped. “I want to tell him myself! We used to talk all the time when he was touring and he was always fine!”

“Wrong, Stevie boy.” Alan scoffed. “Your precious Eddie is sensitive. He can’t hear your voice without going all mushy on me and threatening to walk away from the band. The label pulled me in for this specific reason, long before this tour started. There’s a lot of money gone into this kid, worldwide tours don’t just happen you know? Let Eddie focus and let me do my job, and I promise I’ll get your lover home safe and sound, okay?”

Steve wasn’t okay. He was far from it. “Are you trying to tell me that I can’t speak to him at all? For another six months!?”

“I’m saying let me schedule the phone calls. If we can work together on this, I’m willing to compromise.” Alan put on a sweet, simpering voice. “I’ll keep windows open between shows where Eddie can talk to you, for hours if you want. I’ll make sure they’re during times when he can mope a little after and it won’t stop the running of this well-oiled machine. You both get what you want, I get what I want, and Eddie keeps to his contract so we all get paid at the end. Sound good to you Stevie?”

Steve ground his teeth, but it was obviously the best offer he was going to get. “Fine.” He snarled. “When can I expect his call?”

Alan considered for a moment. “They have a two day break in Italy next week. I’ll have him call you on Wednesday.”

“Great.” Steve sighed but Alan had already hung up.

*

Wednesday came, and almost as soon as Steve had walked through the apartment door, the phone started ringing. He rushed to it, almost dropping it in his haste to press it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby.”

Steve turned and sank down the wall, crumpling to the floor. He cradled the phone to his ear with both hands, a lump swelling in his throat. “Eddie.” He gasped, dizzy with relief. “I’m so glad to hear your voice.”

“You too Steve, you have no idea how much I’ve needed to hear you.” Eddie sounded as emotional as Steve felt. “I hate how we left things, it feels so wrong to be so far away from you.”

“I know… I know, it does for me too.” Steve squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his fingers through his hair. He didn’t want to make Eddie miserable, was determined to be as supportive as ever. “How’s Italy? I bet Europe is beautiful.”

“I haven’t seen much of it.” Eddie sighed. “The hype for us here is unreal, I had no idea we were so popular. The metal scene is great. It’s been all interviews and photoshoots during the day and then obviously the shows at night. Whenever we’re in the bus I just crash and sleep.”

“It sounds exhausting.”

“It is.” Eddie chuckled quietly. “Not that I’m complaining. This is everything I’ve wanted.” He’d said those words a lot over the years, but he didn’t sound so sure anymore. “I guess it would be nice to come back and actually see Italy though… You ever want to visit here? We could come together… Stay in one of those romantic hotels… make love on a bed of rose petals…”

Steve couldn’t help but smile, some of the tension in the back of his neck easing. “That sounds nice.” He whispered. “Anywhere with you sounds nice.”

“Oh yeah? Even a trash heap somewhere in the Bible belt?” Eddie teased.

“Sure.” Steve snorted with laughter. “I’d clear a circle of trash and fuck you in it and tell everyone we’re summoning Satan.”

Eddie’s laughter was the sweetest thing Steve had heard in weeks.

“I knew I loved you for a reason.” His grin was clear in his voice. “We’re in Germany next. I’ll think of you every time I eat a big sausage.”

“You’re such an ass.” Steve laughed, grinning now too.

“I think about you constantly, you know?” Eddie said, falling serious again. “I dream about you too… Gareth is going to kill me if I jerk off in the bus any more.”

Steve choked on his next inhale. “Eddie! You can’t jerk off in the bus!”

“Where else am I supposed to do it?” Eddie scoffed. “It’s not like privacy is in large supply here baby, and I am but a man with basic needs.”

“I don’t touch myself at all.” Steve lied, earning a loud laugh from Eddie.

“You fucking better be.” He snorted down his ear. “I get off thinking about you thinking about me. Oh… that’s poetic. I’m going to make the next song title that.”

Steve half believed it. “Maybe I’ll come to the studio when you record it… I’ll moan over it for you, like that Guns N’ Roses song.”

Eddie moaned low, making Steve’s spine tingle.

“Baby…” Eddie crooned. “Don’t say things like that to me…”

“Why not?” Steve was feeling wicked. He wanted more of those noises from Eddie, felt powerful and sexy when he earned them like this. “Am I turning you on Eddie? Are you getting nice and hard for me?” He asked, dropping his voice until he was practically purring.

“Fuck.” Eddie gasped and Steve heard the tell-tale clink of his belt buckle. “Keep talking dirty to me baby.”

“Are you touching yourself?” Steve asked, his voice full of adoration. “Tell me about it - what are you wearing? Where even are you right now?”

“On the bus, it’s midnight here.” The line crackled as Eddie fidgeted, trying to balance the phone between his ear and shoulder so he had both hands free to shimmy out of his jeans. “I’m in the back, the guys are all at a party. I wanted to call you when you got home from work.” The line crackled again and then Eddie’s voice was clearer.

“And your clothes?”

“I was still in my jeans, but now I’m naked. Gotta be naked when I’m talking to you, Steve.”

Steve closed his eyes so he could better picture it, Eddie’s long, naked body, glistening from the stage still. He pictured the dozens of tattoos that he knew so well, the silver rings in each nipple, the black nail polish that Eddie always wore on his fingers.

“Want you to touch yourself for me Eds.” He purred, rubbing his free hand slowly beneath his shirt and over his stomach. “Touch your nipples, if I was there I’d be sucking on them right now.”

Eddie made a strangled sound and then his breathing deepened, getting heavier and heavier as he followed Steve’s instructions.

“Are you doing it?” Steve asked, nudging him with his words, reminding him he had to talk too.

“Y - Yeah.” Eddie sounded like he was shaking. “S’nice… never think to do this when it’s just me… I got the piercings for you, you know?”

“Really?” Steve was surprised. “How did you know I’d like them?”

Eddie sniggered. “You like to bite things, babe. Especially my necklaces. You got a thing about tugging on stuff, you’re like a puppy.”

Steve wasn’t sure how to take that, but he supposed it was true, he’d just never properly thought about it before. And okay, Eddie was right, he did like biting the nipple rings too.

“Pull on them now then.” He ordered, his voice husky as he brushed his fingertips up to his own nipple and rubbed. “Imagine it’s me doing it with my teeth.”

“Way ahead of you.” Eddie breathed, his voice tight with pleasure. “Are you touching yourself too?”

“Course.” Steve chuckled breathlessly, fingers pinching now at the tight nub of his nipple. “Wish you were Eds. Wish it was your hands on me.”

“Me too baby… Tell me what you’d do to me if I was there?”

“Fuck, I’d bend you over right here in the hall and fuck you.” Steve groaned, eyes squeezed tight shut as he pictured it. “I’d fuck you full of my come, and then I’d eat it out of you.”

“Holy shit, Steve.” Eddie’s voice pitched up a notch and Steve smirked. He used to find dirty talk awkward and embarrassing, but getting such a rise out of Eddie gave him the confidence to work at it, and now he was more depraved than Eddie ever was.

“I’d make you come on my cock and my tongue.” Steve went on, pressing his hand down into his sweatpants now. His arms were still aching from his evening swim, but he wasn’t about to stop for anything.

“Are you touching your cock yet Eddie?” He asked, stroking his own nice and slow. “I want you to touch it.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m touching.” Eddie moaned low in his ear. “I’m fucking leaking, baby… you’re making me drip…”

“Good.” Steve groaned and licked his lips, pulling his hand free to spit into his palm before grasping himself again. He heard Eddie moan helplessly and knew he’d heard. “Smear your come around Eds, get yourself nice and slick.”

“Steve… M’so close already.” Eddie sounded wrecked. “I can’t go slow, I can’t help myself.”

Steve listened hard and after a moment became aware of the wet sound of Eddie’s hand fisting his length. Knowing he was so turned on, that he was actually dripping preejaculate, made Steve’s abdominal muscles clench.

“Eddie, you’re so hot.” He growled. “I wish I could see you right now, wish I could suck you dry.”

“Oh fuck, Steve I’m gonna-” Eddie cut himself off with a low moan, made all the huskier after months of too much singing. Steve could picture the way he’d be spilling over his fingers, thighs tense and cock twitching in his fist.

“That’s it baby, come just for me. So good for me Eds, love you so much.” Steve jerked himself off fast, squeezing on every upstroke until he was throbbing and his balls were tight. He wasn’t sure what he was saying any more, just kept on talking and talking until he cut himself off as Eddie had, hips lifting off the floor as he came.

Eddie encouraged him, his voice soft in his ear as he sang his praises.

“Fuck if I was there right now… Wish I could taste you baby, wanna get my mouth all over you.”

“Eds…” Steve was left trembling, his hand and sweatpants wet with come. He drew his hand out and wiped it over his clothed thigh, grimacing.

“I can finally sleep now.” Eddie sounded loose and happy. “I always feel better after hearing your voice.”

Steve smiled. “Me too, Eds.”

They talked until Eddie was drifting off, and then Steve reluctantly let him go. Eddie promised to call again as soon as he could.

“I know Alan’s a bit of a hard ass, but he’s just trying to do what’s best for the band.” He said apologetically.

“I know.” Steve didn’t want to talk about Alan. “Get some sleep Eddie. Dream about me, yeah?”

Eddie chuckled. “I always do, baby.”

*

Now that Steve was compromising with Alan, he was able to talk to Eddie much more frequently. It was nowhere near as often as they’d like, but it was better. Alan made sure to free up time at least once a week, and Steve got through the next few months by thinking only about the next call, and the next one, like hopping along stepping stones over a vast chasm. Don’t look down, just keep going, one step and then the next.

The tour was turning out to be a huge success. Corroded Coffin had swept the whole of Europe into their grasp, or so it felt. They added three more nights in London, when crowds trying to get into the sold-out venue made Alan rethink their single night in the city.

Germany and Italy had extra nights added as well, and then gigs in Australia got added, so that the end of the tour kept getting pushed back more and more. Now they would finish their run in Japan and head to Australia, then back to Europe to do their extra nights, before maybe getting back home.

Steve knew that extra dates were being added, but he didn’t ask how many or how long it would drag on. They just had to get to Christmas, and then he could face what the New Year would bring when he could take in the news with Eddie in his arms.

He could tell that Eddie was exhausted. He’d been touring now for almost a year, and other than the night he’d broken contract and flown thousands of miles for just a few hours together, he and Steve hadn’t seen each other. The pressure on their relationship was too much; Steve had naively believed that nothing could tear them apart, but the cracks were starting to show.

Their phone calls were getting shorter, their conversations tense and uncomfortable. Steve was so lonely, it made him feel sick, and he was short and snappy with Eddie, letting his frustration out no matter how much he tried to keep it in. He found himself saying things just to hurt Eddie, and no amount of apologising could make up for it when it just kept happening.

He started to lie to Alan about his availability. It was better if he didn’t speak to Eddie at all. It was like King Steve was back and taking over, those old walls flying up, the only way he knew how to survive when the only person around was himself.

Steve hated it, and he battled with it furiously. As soon as Halloween was over (which he spent alone, eating candy out of a plastic pumpkin and trying to scare himself senseless by watching The Exorcist) he threw himself into Christmas preparations, buying endless gifts for Eddie and wrapping them in fancy paper with ribbons and everything. He filled his time with decorating their little apartment, and writing down a military-style plan for Christmas dinner to follow on the day. He wanted everything to be perfect. He wanted Eddie to come home and have the best time, and to leave with no doubt in his mind just how much Steve loved him.

He agreed to a phone call a week before Christmas, so he could ask Eddie what day he would arrive back. He’d already made a sign for when he picked him up from the airport - Eddie’s name was painted large across it, with a bat wearing a Santa hat beneath. Steve had spent two evenings on it, if only so he would be too distracted to feel miserable.

Now that it was so close to them being together again, the constant ache in his stomach and tightness in his chest was easing off, and he was sure he could actually make it through this call without being an asshole.

“Hey, Eds.” He tried to sound as cheerful as possible when Alan finally got Eddie on the phone. “Sorry it’s been a while, I’ve been so busy.” It had been three weeks in fact, since they’d last spoken.

“Feels like forever.” Eddie complained, and Steve felt a twinge of guilt. “But I’m glad you’ve been busy. I know you get lonely.”

Steve swallowed hard. He didn’t want to even think about his loneliness. “I won’t be lonely much longer.” He grinned sheepishly. “What day do you fly back? I’ll get you from the airport.” Steve was already waiting with a notepad and pen, ready to write down the details so he absolutely wouldn’t forget. In his desperation to see Eddie again, he often got paranoid about mishearing the details and would panic that he was going to show up late.

“Baby… You know I’m not home for Christmas, right?”

The pen went slack in Steve’s fingers, almost dropping to the floor. He stared blankly at the wall, his blood running cold.

“What?”

“I thought I told you?” Eddie sounded devastated. “With the changes to the schedule we don’t have time to come home before Australia. We’re going to be flying over there in a couple of days and then it’s straight back to Europe in the New Year.”

The pen fell to the floor, landing quietly onto the carpet. Steve went on staring at the wall, grappling with this new information. He felt like Eddie had just reached into his chest and ripped his heart out, leaving him completely numb.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.” Steve thought about the mountain of beautifully wrapped gifts already under the tree. Of the food in the fridge, enough to feed them for weeks without having to leave the apartment. Of the painted sign, which felt so stupid now.

“I’m so sorry Steve, I thought when I told you about Australia you’d already know.” Eddie groaned, voice so tense that Steve knew he must be pulling on his hair. “It doesn’t make sense to go from Japan, all the way back home, just to double back and come to Australia. We’re heading to Sydney straight from Tokyo.”

Steve leaned against the wall so he wouldn’t collapse, both hands now gripping the phone to his ear. He felt sick enough to vomit.

“No I… I guess that makes sense.” He agreed, breathless. “I get it.”

“Steve…” Eddie sounded on the brink of tears. “I’m so sorry, baby. You know I’d give anything to be there right now. I miss you so much, it’s killing me.”

“Is it?” Steve gave a hollow laugh and only realised he was crying when he felt tears on his cheeks. “Seems to me that you’re doing just fine, Eds.”

“That isn’t fair.” Eddie breathed, his voice dropping low. He spoke gently, as he always did. No matter how much Steve snapped at him, Eddie never raised his voice. “Steve, I love you.” He said firmly. “If I had any control over the tour schedule I would make sure I had Christmas free, but the distance is just too far and if I break contract again they’ll absolutely kill me.”

“Right.” Steve nodded, eyes squeezed shut against a migraine that was forming fast. “Eddie Munson isn’t half as rebellious as the media say, right?”

“Steve.” Eddie heaved a deep sigh. “Please don’t be like this.”

“Be like what?” Steve snapped. “Am I being unreasonable, do you think? Am I not allowed to be fucking pissed about this?” Steve’s voice rose to a hysterical pitch. “I have been waiting for this - you said Christmas! I have been hanging on by a fucking thread Eddie. I don’t know how much longer I can sit around and wait for you. My life is on hold, you do realise that, don’t you?”

“I don’t want things to be like that. I don’t Steve, and I promise you-”

“No!” Steve snarled. “I don’t want to hear any more promises from you. This is killing me Ed, it’s literally killing me. I feel like I’m going insane!”

“Steve, please, take a deep breath.” Eddie begged, sensing that Steve was breathing too hard and on the brink of a panic attack. “Please, darling. We can talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk.” Steve was clutching his chest. Was he having a heart attack? God, he felt like he was. “These long-distance calls must be costing Alan a ton. I better go.”

“No!” Eddie finally shouted. “Don’t you dare hang up, Steve Harrington! I’ll pay Alan for the calls if I have to, but we are not leaving this here -” Eddie heard the dial tone in his ear and his heart stopped for a second. “Steve? Steve!?”
Steve slammed the phone onto its base and dashed to the bathroom. He crashed onto his knees and had just enough time to push up the toilet seat before he was heaving into the bowl. He’d not eaten enough to bring up much, but he kept on vomiting anyway. It felt like his insides were trying to retch up through his mouth, and by the time he was able to breathe again, he felt exhausted, his stomach aching fiercely.

He slumped back against the bath and let his head hang back, his panting breaths turning into sobs. His throat was raw and his cheeks were streaked with tears, his shirt damp with sweat. The phone was ringing incessantly in the hall, but Steve ignored it.

*

Steve hadn’t spent so much time in bed since his father had disowned him. And this time, there was no Eddie there to look after him, to make sure he ate or to gently clean him.

For three days he did little more than emerge to use the bathroom and sip water. He tried to eat a little, but he felt too sick to keep any real food down.

For three days, the phone rang nearly constantly. Eddie must have asked someone to keep ringing whilst he was on stage, because Steve never got a break from it. He started to tune it out, hiding under his duvet and keeping a pillow over his head for good measure.

Thankfully, it was the winter break, so he didn’t have to worry about showing up to work. Not that he would have done anyway.

On day four, he heard a key in the door and muffled swearing as whoever it was fought to get inside. Steve was too numb to care that it was probably Eddie. He must have realised things were bad and had flown back to him. Normally, Steve would erupt with joy, but he was too exhausted, too miserable, couldn’t even feel surprised.

Footsteps approached the bedroom, and then the door swung open. Steve gripped his duvet tighter around him and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t even want to look at Eddie right now. He didn’t want to see the look on his face when he realised how pathetic Steve was.

The curtains were drawn back first, Steve heard their metal rings sliding on the rail, and then the window was opened, letting in a blast of cold air. Steve wished he could sink right through the mattress.

Finally, gentle hands pulled at his duvet, tugging against his grip until one shoulder was bared, and then fingers touched his skin, much softer than the calloused fingertips he was expecting.

“Oh Steve…”

Robin’s voice was unmistakeable and Steve was finally shocked enough to roll onto his side and look. His jaw fell open at the sight of his best friend and a sob erupted from his chest.

“Robin!? What are you doing here?” His voice was rough from disuse, and he was barely strong enough to sit up and grab her.

“Eddie called and told me what happened.” Robin wrapped her arms around him and pulled him upright, hugging him with all her strength. Steve felt like his spine might snap. It felt wonderful.

“I had no idea things were so bad.” Robin had to bite her tongue to stop herself from apologising. She’d been so wrapped up in her own happiness that time had run away from her, and she hadn’t kept in touch as much as she should have. She wished she’d been there more, wished she’d taken a second to actually consider how lonely Steve must be feeling. But he didn’t need to hear any of that right now.

“Eddie’s worried sick about you.” She whispered, stroking Steve’s hair and trying to gently un-mat the knots in it with her fingers. “You need to call him, Steve.”

“No.” Steve croaked, hiding his face in her neck. “I can’t talk to him right now.” A fresh wave of nausea passed over him just from the thought.

They may have been apart for years, but Robin still knew Steve too well. He was like a part of her soul, and she didn’t argue or question his decision.

“You’re coming with me.” She said instead, leaning back to look at him and give him the sternest look she could muster. “I’m taking you back to San Francisco and you’ll spend Christmas with me and Vickie.”

Steve went tense. He couldn’t imagine so much as leaving his bed, let alone getting on a plane.

“Robin, thank you but I-”

“Ah, no buts!” Robin wagged a finger in his face. “You’re coming, even if I have to drug you and drag you there.”

Steve didn’t smile, but Robin didn’t expect him to. She lifted an eyebrow at him. “I’m serious, Harrington.” She warned.

“I don’t think I can.” Steve eventually whispered, starting to tremble. “I mean it, Robin. I don’t think I can even physically move that far right now.”

Robin’s gaze softened and she gently held him close again. “You can.” She insisted. “I’ll make you some food, and you’ll take a shower, and things will seem easier. Okay?”

Steve didn’t think he could even stand in the shower. But Robin had flown all this way just for him, and he loved her too much to not even try.

“Okay.” He whispered. “I can try to shower, I guess.”

“Thank God.” Robin gave him a playful smile. “Because you stink.” She kissed his cheek and then stood again, offering him her hands. Steve took them and allowed her to drag him up onto his feet. He wobbled a bit, and thought about how he wished he could just sink onto the carpet and cry, but Robin kept him walking. She took him to the bathroom and got the shower running, and stayed long enough to push Steve into the shower before she finally left the room.

Steve showered slowly, turning the water up to almost scalding just so he would feel something other than his own misery. He scrubbed at his skin and hair, rinsing away days worth of grime and tried not to think about Eddie. How he should be here, in the shower with Steve and kissing him as he cleaned him. He should be apologising, should be telling him that he loved him and he would never leave ever again.

Steve had never understood before why Eddie had cut himself in the past, but for the first time in his life he felt that strange pull. If he’d had something sharp enough to hand he knew he wouldn’t be able to resist. He wanted to let out the darkness inside him, wanted to get rid of the feelings that were like a poison in the blood. He wanted to cut into his own flesh and make himself bleed, to set free the demon that was making him rot from the inside out.

He looked at his disposable razor and even considered breaking it open to get to the blades. But Robin would never forgive him if he hurt himself with her right there on the other side of the door. He shaved instead, removing the stubble that was covering his face and took deep breaths until he felt a bit more human.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, he found Robin in the living room. She was standing in the middle of the floor, staring with a pained expression at the multitude of gifts under and around the tree. Each one was immaculately wrapped, with satin ribbons tied in bows on each and every one. There were no tags on them, but there didn’t need to be. They would all be for Eddie.

Robin noticed Steve and broke out of her trance, looking at him with such sorrow that Steve blanched.

“Please don’t.” He sighed. “The last thing I want to see in your face is pity.”

Robin’s eyes widened, but then she nodded. It took a few seconds, but she was finally able to school her expression and wipe the sorrow out of her gaze. She forced a weak smile and turned her back on the gifts.

“I’m going to cook for you.” She announced. “What do you want to eat?”

Steve shrugged, his stomach tightening at the thought of food. Robin considered for a moment and then cocked her head. “Alright, grilled cheese it is then.”

*

With food in his stomach and fresh clothes on his back, Steve felt some of his shell crumbling away. Robin packed his bag with his guidance, and then held his hand, offering support as they finally left the apartment.

Steve locked up, and Robin went next door to return the spare key that their neighbour looked after in case of emergencies.

The trip to San Francisco was a blur. Steve felt like a ghost, following Robin wherever she took him and sleeping every time they weren’t physically on their feet. The airport made him feel sick and emotional, but Robin held his hand for the whole flight and let him sleep with his head on her shoulder.

Vickie was waiting when they arrived at the house. She had dinner cooking ready, and greeted Steve with so much warmth he almost wept again. They ate at a dining table, like a little family, and Robin put Steve’s bag into an actual guest room.

Steve felt awful that he’d not come to visit before now, but was glad to see how lovely their home was. They lived together with no shame, surrounded by a like-minded community. They were as open in their love as Steve had always hoped he and Eddie could one day be.

For a couple of days Steve continued to mostly sleep. He was just so exhausted, no matter how much he tried to force himself out of bed and help out around the house. Vickie and Robin insisted he wasn’t to do a thing, he was a guest, but Steve had to keep busy.

He rushed out on Christmas Eve morning to buy gifts for each of them before the mall closed, and wrapped them in the spare room with trembling hands. He hadn’t stopped shaking since his last phone call with Eddie.

Robin tried to make him call him, but Steve couldn’t. He had nothing to say, and there was nothing he wanted to hear. Eddie wasn’t there, and Steve realised he needed time to settle his emotions before speaking to him again.

Robin let Eddie know that Steve was okay and would be with them for the holidays, but it was plain from his voice that Eddie was far from alright.

Robin tried to gently urge Steve into calling him. There was nothing worse than seeing how they were both miserable, and knowing that simply talking could solve a lot of it. But Steve was stubborn, and Eddie was just too far away.

Christmas day came and went, and Steve tried to smile and not bring down the joy in the house. Vickie and Robin were so happy, and they cooked dinner for another couple who they’d befriended, who had no family to go to.

Steve drank too much wine and ate too little, and was glad that there were more people around to keep Robin and Vickie semi-distracted. He ended the night outside, smoking a cigarette for the first time in years and looking up at the stars from his spot on the stoop.

Robin joined him after a while, laying a blanket over his shoulders and then snuggling into his side to share it. She had another bottle of wine with her, but no glasses. They drank straight from the bottle, and Steve turned his head to blow the last of his smoke away and crush out his cigarette.

“Do you think it will ever get better?” He asked quietly, keeping his eyes up to the sky.

Robin was quiet for a long time, until Steve wondered if she’d even heard him. But then she shrugged and said, “if you love each other, and I know you do, you’ll make it work.”

“I don’t know how to make it work.” Steve’s fingers worried at the cigarette packet by his leg. He didn’t want to get into smoking again, but he was already craving another. “I feel like I’m just spending my whole life waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” Robin asked gently. “What is it you think you can’t do whilst Eddie is away?”

Steve scoffed and rolled his eyes at the heavens. “Everything.” He said. “I want a life with him, Robin. I want to buy a house. I want to wake up next to him each morning. I want to spend the holidays together and invite friends over for dinner, just like you and Vickie.” He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. “I want to get home from work and know he’s going to be there. I want to walk down the street with him and hold hands and not worry that he’s going to be lambasted in the news or that I’m going to lose my job.”

“Oh come on.” Robin looked concerned. “Hawkins isn’t that backwards.”

“Isn’t it?” Steve finally turned his gaze to her. “Maybe, maybe a gay sports coach is okay. But a gay sports coach in a relationship with a Satanic rockstar?” Steve raised an eyebrow and Robin snorted with laughter. Steve glared at her, but after a moment he just sighed and gave a weak smile. “You know that’s what people would think.”

“Who cares what people think?” Robin gave him a gentle shove. “You can teach sports anywhere, Steve. And Eddie isn’t exactly tied down to Hawkins. Why don’t you move out here?” She said it flippantly, but Steve could tell from the way her cheeks went pink that she was being serious.

“Leave Hawkins?” He asked, rolling his eyes. “Be serious.”

“I am serious!” Robin turned to face him properly. “You have no reason to stay there. You’ve always hated it, all your friends have moved away, your parents are assholes who don’t deserve to see you.”

Steve gave a wry smile. His parents didn’t want to see him, but he appreciated that Robin made it sound like keeping away was his choice.

“I know Wayne is still there, but he’s been telling you guys to get out for years. And if you’re here, we can hang out all the time again!” Robin beamed at him. “Then it won’t feel so bad when Eddie’s touring. And no one round here gives a crap about who you’re dating. Our local high school flies a rainbow flag right next to the Stars and Stripes! You’d be able to teach there and the kids would find it awesome that you’re dating a real life rockstar.”

Steve smiled at Robin, her excitement so strong it was like a warmth radiating from her. He was almost swept up in it, and for a moment he allowed himself to imagine the life she was painting.

“Eddie wouldn’t hesitate.” She pushed, touching Steve’s hand. “He’d know this is a good idea, and he’d jump at the chance to see you happy like that.”

Steve bowed his head, trying to think straight. He was still too raw and emotional to know if what Robin said made sense, or if he just wanted it to.

“Just think about it, Steve.” Robin kissed his cheek. “Will you at least do that?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, yeah I will.” He promised, laying his head on her shoulder and smiling when her cheek dropped to rest atop his hair in return. “Love you Robin.”

“I love you too, dingus.”

*

Steve thought about all Robin had said for days. He took a walk by the local high school, just to look at it and see the rainbow flag for himself. He smiled when he spotted it, flying proudly by the entrance, and his chest went tight for all the right reasons for once. He hadn’t realised just how much he was hiding his true identity until that moment, and suddenly, all he could think about was how wonderful it would be to be completely open, like Vickie and Robin.

He started to check the property pages in the local paper, just like he’d done in Hawkins with Eddie. This time, he had Robin and Vickie searching with him, sharing good food and cheap wine at the dining table, circling all the properties he wanted to check out with a red pen.

There were a few that sounded especially promising, and Steve was even able to arrange a viewing in one before the new year. He fell in love with it, just as he’d suspected he would, walking around the modest but beautiful red brick house and picturing all the things he and Eddie could do with it. There was plenty of room for the two of them, and a guest bedroom, and a basement they could soundproof so Eddie could write music any time he wanted.

Steve imagined cook outs in the yard, imagined the house warming party they could have, imagined Wayne coming to stay with them as much as he wanted. They could finally get a puppy, and it was close enough that Steve could walk to Robin and Vickie’s, ensuring he never had to feel alone again.

It was so perfect that Steve all but forgot how unhappy he’d been. He thought only about Eddie, and how excited he would be when he told him.

New Year's Eve came around fast, and Steve made the decision to call Eddie and tell him that night. He knew their time zones were way out - Australia had already rang in the New Year, whilst Steve was fast asleep in bed at seven am his time. He wondered if Eddie had tried to call, but pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter, he’d speak to him soon enough.

He went shopping first, meeting Robin at the mall to get some last minute party supplies. Her friends were hosting, and it sounded like it was going to be a big bash, but Robin had insisted she be allowed to buy the decorations and in true Robin style, she had forgotten a few things.

Steve was distracted as they trailed to the various stores Robin needed, his mind only on Eddie. He kept smiling stupidly to himself, and Robin was just so glad that he was happy again that she didn’t tease him for it.

They had everything they needed and were on their way out of the mall when they bypassed a news stand. Steve glanced at it, something catching his eye, and almost looked away again before he registered what he’d seen.

He wasn’t completely immune to spotting pictures of Eddie on the front of magazines or newspapers, but it had been a little while, and he’d never seen one like this.

Robin kept walking, not realising for a moment that Steve had stopped. When she did, she turned around, mouth open to call out to him but her words died on her tongue. Steve looked faint, his skin gone a ghastly shade of pale, his shopping bags now crumpled on the floor where he’d dropped them.

“Steve?” Robin hurried back to his side and followed his gaze. He was staring at a magazine, front and centre on the news stand.

Newsweek

It was a celebrity gossip rag, a publication that Robin detested. She was sure people weren’t so obsessed with celebrities when she was a teenager, but celebrity news was big business now; the more scandalous, the better.

Newsweek had gotten itself a really juicy piece this time.

THE RUMOURS ARE TRUE the headline seemed to shout from the front page, and beneath it, in glorious, glossy technicolour, was a photograph of Eddie.

“Steve.” Robin grabbed for his hand, but Steve wrenched out of her grip and seized the magazine.

The photo of Eddie had clearly been taken at some Christmas party. He was in a place packed with people, maybe a nightclub? He was dressed in his usual ripped jeans, but was wearing a button up black shirt which was open almost to the navel, showing off his tattoos and pierced nipples. He had a wall to his back, pressed tight against it by another man who was holding him by the shoulders, his tongue very clearly in Eddie’s mouth.

Steve opened the magazine, searching frantically for the article. Robin stood beside him, her eyes wide as they read it together, lips moving silently as they framed the words.

‘Eddie Munson, the frontman of infamous metal band Corroded Coffin, celebrated the holidays in Sydney, Australia this year.

Munson, a polarising figure famous for his Satanic-led lyrics and sexually charged performances, was spotted with the band at a Christmas party believed to be hosted by a top hotel magnate. Rumours about Munson’s sexuality have been rife since the band's early days, but photographic evidence has now surfaced of Munson engaged in a passionate kiss with an unnamed male.

Though no official statement has been made by Munson or the band, the photo makes it quite clear that rumours surrounding Munson’s sexuality are true.

Munson spotted the photographer and attempted to snatch the camera. Sources say he was drunk and acted ‘like a wild animal’, and was forced to leave the party by security.’

The photograph from the cover was printed here as well, and beside it, another photo of Eddie’s outstretched hand, his face just visible behind it. He looked utterly furious, eyes blazing as he tried to swipe the camera.

“Steve…” Robin touched his shoulder. “Steve, I’m sure it’s probably not what it looks like.” She tried to say, but her voice was shaking and uncertain. Steve wanted to believe her, but the photo was damning and he couldn’t think of any scenario that could explain it away.

“Call him.” Robin begged, her eyes full of concern as Steve ever so calmly placed the magazine back on the stand. “Call him and I know he can explain.”

“I’m okay.” Steve spoke quietly, calmly. “Let’s just go.”

They returned to the house and Steve took himself away to the guest bedroom, assuring Robin he was fine before closing the door in her face. He sank down onto the bed and lay his head in his hands and finally let the tears fall. He couldn’t stop picturing the photo of Eddie against the wall, that man pressed against him. Steve didn’t even remember what the guy looked like, could only picture his open mouth and his hands on Eddie’s shoulders.

He thought about the years he and Eddie had spent together, of how quickly they’d fallen for one another. They’d been together since before they were even twenty, they’d been kids, that’s all. Steve had been enough before, when their whole world was Hawkins and their biggest responsibility was making curfew… but now they were adults, and Eddie was more famous than he’d ever dreamed he’d be. Steve had feared for a long time that he wasn’t enough any more.

*

Eddie gazed at Steve, his large brown eyes full of warmth and love as he stroked the hairs on Steve’s chest.

“I can’t believe I get to do this.” He said softly, shaking his head with a large smile.

“Do what?” Steve asked, all loose-limbs and orgasm drunk still.

“This.” Eddie waved a hand between them. “I get to see you naked.” He gave a wicked grin.

Steve snorted with laughter. “Haven’t you seen me naked about a hundred times by now?” He asked, idly stroking his fingers through Eddie’s hair which was a rumpled mess from where he’d tossed his head about on the pillow.

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.” Eddie crossed his arms over Steve’s chest and lay his chin on them, looking up at Steve through his lashes. “Do you know how insanely hot you are?” He asked seriously.

Steve flushed a pretty pink and tugged gently on Eddie’s curls. “You may have mentioned it before.” He smirked, looking down and feeling his stomach do a somersault. “You’re gorgeous you know…” He sighed. “You have such incredible eyes… like a cow.”

Eddie lifted his eyebrows. “A cow?” He repeated, trying to look annoyed but failing when he laughed. “Wow Steve, make me feel special why don’t ya?”

“I like cows!” Steve protested, going even pinker. “Don’t look at me like that, I just came so hard I think my brain fell out.”

Eddie hid his laughter against Steve’s chest and Steve relaxed, smiling again.

“I just mean that you’re so beautiful, you know? And your eyes are…” Steve struggled to find the right words. He had never been poetic, like Eddie. “They feel…” He waved a hand, huffing with frustration.

“Spiritual?” Eddie offered, making Steve look at him in surprise.

“Yeah.” His stomach gave another swoop and he smiled. “Spiritual, that’s a good way of putting it.”

Eddie leaned up and hovered over Steve, their lips close. “I love you Steve Harrington.” He said, eyes sparkling as he kissed him, soft and slow now they’d sated their lust. “There’s no one else in the whole world I’d rather be with.”

Steve felt his breath leave him. They’d already reached the ‘I love you’ milestone and that had felt massive, but this was even bigger. It was Eddie confessing what Steve himself had felt for some time - that they were each other’s ‘one’.

“Eddie…” Steve pushed up onto his elbows, never moving his eyes from Eddie’s. “I want to spend my life with you.” He whispered, heart racing so fast he was sure Eddie must be able to hear it.

Eddie looked surprised for a second, but then he sank over Steve and kissed him hard. He lay his hands over his shoulders and held on like he was scared he’d fall if he let go, and his voice was thick when he said, “I want that too, Steve. You’re my soulmate, darling.”

Steve cupped a hand around Eddie’s jaw and tugged him in again, kissing him quiet. Steve had lost his family by being with Eddie, but in that moment he’d give it up a million times over. The only family he cared about was the one he’d chosen for himself, his friends who loved him for who he really was; and front and centre was Eddie, who took up so much room in his heart that Steve thought it would actually kill him if he ever lost him.

*

Steve returned to Hawkins in time for the new semester.

Robin offered to fly back with him and stay a while, but Steve promised her he’d be fine on his own. He’d gotten pretty good at lying, and even though he didn’t think Robin quite believed him, it was enough to stop her from tagging along. She had her own life to live, and Steve didn’t want to drag her into his abyss.

He’d brought in the New Year with Robin and her friends, getting blind drunk at the party until he could hardly remember it. He’d missed the moment the clock struck midnight, too busy being sick in a potted plant, and all the time wondering if Eddie had shared a midnight kiss with the faceless man from the magazine.

For two days he’d suffered the worst hangover of his life, and just to make it hurt even more, he called Alan and asked him to give Eddie a message -

“Tell him it’s over. I mean really over. I don’t want to see him again, tell him to stop calling. He can collect his stuff from the apartment when the tour is finished but I don’t wanna be there when he does. Tell him to leave me alone.”

Alan had been quiet for once and Steve had hung up before he could reply. It was no surprise when shortly after, the phone rang, and Robin knocked on the guest room door, asking Steve to please just talk to Eddie.

Steve refused.

When he got back home days later, there were dozens of messages on the answer machine. He deleted them all without listening, too afraid that if he heard Eddie’s voice it would destroy him. It was bad enough that his face was everywhere. The rest of the world had caught up with Newsweek and now Eddie was out of the closet whether he liked it or not. That awful photo haunted Steve, tormenting him everywhere he turned.

He tore down the Christmas decorations in the apartment and shoved the presents he’d so lovingly wrapped beneath the bed and behind Eddie’s clothes in the closet. He threw away the painted sign for the airport and took down every photograph of him and Eddie from the walls.

Then he threw himself into his work, focusing on sports and helping out at after school clubs, then staying at the pool later and later each evening, afraid to go home where memories haunted him. He knew he had to move out, find somewhere else that could just be his. He thought of San Francisco, and Robin, and the school with the rainbow flag. He could afford the red brick house all on his own, if he used all of his savings and was frugal for a bit, but he soon put the idea away. He couldn’t live there either; he’d made it a dream home in his head, for him and Eddie, and now he couldn’t think of it without thinking of him.

But at night, there was nothing he could do to stop his mind from turning things over. He thought about Eddie, of the day he’d found him in the back of his van, to the last call they’d had and every day in between. He recalled every conversation they’d ever had, pulling them apart, trying to decipher what had been truth and what had been lies, torturing himself trying to discover the exact moment Eddie had stopped loving him.

He worked out obsessively, pushing his body to its limits each day. If he couldn’t swim, he would run, sometimes until so late that the streets were dark and empty. He ate for fuel and nothing else, and by the spring his body was hard and chiselled. The kids he coached complimented him on it, and some teased him light-heartedly about it, asking if he was trying to impress a lady, but Steve just chuckled with them and brushed the talk aside.

Eddie used to cut only his thighs, so he could hide them where no one would see.

Steve’s working out was an even neater solution. What he was doing to his body was plain to see, but everyone just saw it as a positive change. No one linked the exercise to pain, or suspected for one moment that he was pushing himself so hard because the pain was easier to control than the sorrow that swept in whenever he stopped.

*

Corroded Coffin ended their tour and returned home in March. Steve only knew because he’d heard about it on MTV. Footage from their final gig had been played, and Steve’s students had been excitedly talking about watching it, and Steve had gotten drunk and couldn’t help himself…

What he’d seen on the screen had made him feel sick.

Eddie was thinner than Steve had ever seen him, his jeans hanging low on his sharp hips. He’d been shirtless from the beginning, which wasn’t new, and he’d torn into each song like a ferocious beast. The crowd had gone wild for it, the energy was so raw and powerful that Steve had felt it even through the recording. Eddie’s voice was huskier than usual, a sure sign he was smoking and drinking too much, and as the show progressed he had torn at his skin with his own nails.

By the end, Eddie was covered in his own blood. He was panting, his eyes wild as he flipped off one of the cameras. He’d gouged long scratches into his chest and stomach, his arms, even his neck. He’d licked at the blood at one point, in a way that was gruesome and sexualised, and the crowd had roared their approval.

Steve had been shaking when he finally turned the TV off, repulsed and upset and so, so turned on. He’d drank even more, until he felt ready to pass out, and then he collapsed into bed. He’d had a feverish, unsatisfying wank, biting Eddie’s pillow as he thought about the way he’d licked at his wounds and imagined he was there now, to lick Steve just the same.

When he woke the next day it was already afternoon. His mouth was dry, his tongue thick, and a headache thumped painfully behind his eyes.

It seemed to take hours for him to get out of bed and to the kitchen where he could pop some aspirin. He tried to drink some water but it made him feel sick, and in the end he returned to bed to try and sleep it off.

When he woke up again it was late and he still felt sick. He dragged himself to the bathroom to use the toilet and splash some water on his face. He leaned down to drink straight from the tap afterward, the cold water unsettling his stomach further. He knew he was just hungry, his headache already easing now he had some water in him.

He shuffled to the kitchen wearing nothing but his underwear and ate dry cereal straight from the box. He was standing at the counter, his mouth full of lucky charms, when there was a loud pounding on the door. Steve glanced at the clock and frowned. It was just after midnight.

Steve was still avoiding all phone calls, just in case it was Eddie, but he supposed he couldn’t ignore the door. It could be an emergency… Eddie surely wouldn’t come by to collect his stuff at this time of night, would he?

The door knocked loudly again as Steve walked to it, his hand still in the cereal box. He quickened his steps, worried his neighbours would get pissed off at being woken up, and rushed to answer the door.

“Finally!” Gareth gasped as soon as it was open, marching inside before Steve could react. “I have been trying to reach you for hours, man!”

“Me?” Steve asked stupidly, staring at Gareth like he’d never met him before. “Are you here for Eddie’s things?”

“What? No.” Gareth looked at Steve like he was an idiot. “I’m here because I need to talk to you. You know the whole band has been calling you for weeks now? Do you ever answer your phone?” Gareth stormed over to it and checked the answer machine. “Does this thing work? Are you getting our messages?”

Steve couldn’t wipe the guilty expression off his face and Gareth gave a slow ‘oh’ of realisation.

“So you’re just hiding from us then? That’s such an asshole move, Steve.”

“Fuck you, man.” Steve stomped past Gareth to shove the cereal box back into the cupboard. “I am not the one who cheated here. If anyone is an asshole, it’s Eddie.”

“Really?” Gareth looked furious. “Wow. I know that photo looked bad, but I thought you’d trust Eddie a bit more than that.”

Steve shrank back, at once angry and ashamed. Gareth sounded so disappointed, it made Steve feel small.

“I’m not taking this.” He hissed, too hungover to listen to Gareth. “It’s late, and I’m not interested in whatever Eddie sent you here to say. Please leave.”

Gareth tsk’d through his teeth and reached into his jacket pocket. “Fine, I’ll go, if you want. But maybe you should look at these first.” He tossed something at Steve, who wasn’t ready and didn’t react in time. The photos scattered across the floor at his feet, reflecting the bright kitchen light so that Steve had to stoop and pick them up before he could see them properly.

Gareth stood back, arms folded, and waited.

The photos were all out of sequence, but Steve quickly realised the order they should be in. He spread them over the kitchen counter, his eyes wide and heart racing as he looked at them, eyes flicking from the first to the last over and over.

It was the party, the one where Eddie had kissed that guy, he could tell that instantly.

And there was the man, laughing as he leaned with Eddie against the wall. He was beside him, one elbow on the wall so he could rest his head against his palm, the other hand on his hip. He was blatantly flirting, but Eddie was too busy staring into his beer bottle to notice. His body language was closed off, one arm wrapped protectively about his middle. He looked like he was trying desperately to sink through the wall.

The next photo was nearly the same, except this time the man flirting with him was now looking right at the camera. His face was surprised, like he hadn’t realised someone was photographing them.

The next photo was the one Steve had already seen, of the man pressing Eddie into the wall, kissing him with an open mouth and searching tongue. He realised for the first time that Eddie was still standing with one arm around himself, like he hadn’t had a chance to even move before the man had kissed him. His mouth was open too, but for the first time Steve realised that Eddie was trying to shout, his eyes wide with surprise.

The next photo appeared to be taken just a second later. Eddie was pushing the man away with both hands, one still holding onto his beer. His arms were stretched to full lock, his face pulled into an expression of such anger that it made Steve feel weak. The man who had kissed him was laughing, but he wasn’t laughing in the next photo.

Because in the next photo, Eddie’s fist was against the man’s jaw, and the man was halfway through falling sideways from the force of the blow. Eddie’s whole body had twisted, he’d punched the man with every last ounce of his strength. Steve had never seen Eddie hit anyone before, in fact, he was pretty sure Eddie never had - he was too gentle, too anxious, too scared. He ran away from fights, and if he couldn’t run away, he curled into a ball and waited for it to be over. But this time, Eddie had acted instinctively and the next photo showed the aftermath.

The man was on the floor, mouth open on a scream as he cupped his hands beneath a nose pouring with blood. Eddie had fallen back, but his head was half turned toward the camera. The final photo was the second one Steve had seen, of Eddie’s furious face and outstretched hand.

“It’s actually pretty common, you know?” Gareth’s voice was soft now, drifting to Steve like from a dream. “Some people follow celebrities around just looking for an opportunity to get a picture with them like this. Everyone wants their five minutes of fame I guess… We just never thought we were famous enough for it.” Gareth shook his head, sighing.

“I don’t understand.” Steve couldn’t look away from the photos. “That guy forced himself on Eddie?”

“Of course.” Gareth scoffed. “Do you really think Eddie would go about kissing other guys? He’s mad about you, Steve. It was all we could do to stop him from getting on a plane and flying over here after you got upset with him about Christmas. I thought we were gonna have to chain him to the bus for a minute. He threatened to walk out on the band completely, said he didn’t want it if it meant losing you.”

Steve finally tore his eyes away from the photos and looked at Gareth. “But… But if that guy forced himself on him, why didn’t he tell the media? Why aren’t these photos anywhere else?”

Gareth looked at Steve like he was stupid. “Scandal sells.” He said simply. “It took me ages to find those. I had to track down the photographer, and he only gave them up after Alan found us a lawyer who threatened to sue him for slander. He eventually gave up the photos and I sent them to every magazine and paper I could think of, but none of them will print them. No one wants to hear that it was all a big mistake. Eddie turning out to be gay is huge news, and they only care about money.”

Steve was feeling sicker than ever, but it was nothing to do with his hangover. He thought about how thin Eddie had looked on stage and the way he’d torn at his own flesh like a man possessed. He thought of how he’d been forcefully outed by the media, and how at a time he’d needed Steve most, Steve had been fooled by the lies and left him.

“Steve?” Gareth saw his knees wobble and rushed to him just in time to catch him as he slumped. “Whoa! Hold on, let me get you sat down.” He dragged Steve to the living room and dropped him onto the couch. “It’s alright, man. Just uh, just take a few breaths.”

Steve hunched over his knees in an attempt to stop the bile rising in his throat and pressed both hands into his hair. So many ignored phone calls and messages… if he’d listened to just one, he would have known the truth. If he’d just trusted Eddie like he was supposed to, he wouldn’t be here now.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.” He croaked. “I need to see Eddie.” He looked up suddenly, eyes bright and wild. “Where is Eddie?”

Gareth fidgeted, looking uncomfortable. “That’s just it, I don’t know.” He said quietly. “He’s meant to be staying with me but he hasn’t been home for hours. I was hoping he was here.”

Steve’s jaw fell and his stomach sank. A creeping sense of dread began to prickle at his spine and he knew that something terrible was happening.

At that moment, the phone began to ring.

*

Hopper’s words were ringing in Steve’s ears like an echo, even the sound of Gareth’s car engine wasn’t enough to drown them out.

‘You know the new parking at Star Court? Yeah, well you need to get here right now. I’ve got your boy threatening to jump.’

Threatening to jump.

Threatening to jump.

Your boy.

Your boy. Threatening to jump.

Your boy.

Steve gripped his knees with both hands, nails digging into his jeans. He’d dressed in such a rush that he was wearing an old pair that only just fit, and the inseam was digging into his thighs. The pain helped, it reminded him he was alive and to keep breathing, even though he prayed that he would wake up and find the whole thing was just an awful dream.

Gareth was silent as he sped towards Star Court, foot flat on the gas pedal. This late at night there was barely anyone else around, and they reached the mall faster than what seemed possible. But it still felt like forever to Steve.

Gareth came to an abrupt stop at the bottom of the parking lot, the multi-level structure towering above them. It was as tall as Star Court itself, wrapped around one side of the mall and built so that the old lot could be turned into a restaurant complex. There were two police cars parked beside them, their lights flashing still.

Steve fell out of the car and hurried towards Hopper, who was gazing up at the parking structure. Steve automatically followed his gaze, looking up, up, up to the top floor which was open air, and the small figure balancing precariously on the ledge.

“Holy shit.” He breathed, clutching his chest when his heart felt like it stopped for a moment.

“I know.” Hopper didn’t look away from Eddie for a second. “We’ve tried talking him down, but he won’t listen. I got as far as the top floor but couldn’t walk out of the stairwell door without him spooking. I think if I dared get closer he’d have jumped.”

“What are we going to do?” Gareth sounded distraught as he looked up at Eddie. “We’ve got to get him down.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Steve said instantly, wiping his sweaty palms on his shirt. “This is my fault. I should be the one to go up there.”

“Are you sure?” Hopper looked concerned, and Gareth gave Steve a doubtful look. “You have to realise, if you say the wrong thing…”

“I know.” Steve didn’t look at either of them. “But it has to be me.”

He could understand why Gareth didn’t trust him, after all, he was the one who had caused Eddie to spiral so badly. And he also understood why Hopper sounded so uncomfortable too, knew that he was wondering if Steve would ever recover if he was the one to say the thing that made Eddie finally step off that ledge.

Steve also knew that nothing in the world would stop him from going up there.

“I have an ambulance on the way.” Hopper told him as he set off.

“I’m not sure they can do anything if he falls that far.” Gareth scoffed.

Steve ignored them and broke into a run, racing to the parking structure and to the metal door that hid the stairwell. He took the stairs two at a time, suddenly glad that he’d been working out so obsessively. That, along with his panic, made it easy to tear up the stairs, climbing the structure floor by floor. He barely noticed the burning in his thighs or the way his breathing was coming sharp and fast, could only think about Eddie and how he didn’t have time to hesitate or dawdle. He might even have jumped already, and Steve would make it to the top only to find that they’d passed somewhere along the way.

Steve tried not to think like that, but it was impossible. It was like a movie playing on a loop in his head, of Eddie stepping out into the air and falling from view; of his body, broken, on the ground. If Eddie had already jumped, Steve wondered if it wouldn’t just be better if he jumped too.

The door at the top of the stairs was shut, but it had a push bar release for fire safety. Steve barrelled through it with such force that he almost fell and the sound of the metal crashing into the wall it was set into made Eddie jerk in surprise.

Steve reached out for him, but he was on the complete opposite side of the lot, and if Eddie tumbled he couldn’t grab him.

Luckily, the ledge Eddie was balanced on was wide enough that he was able to regain his balance with ease, his body half turning so he could see who had come to disturb him this time.

“Steve?” Eddie squinted at him, and as Steve came closer he noticed that his eyes were red raw from tears and alcohol. That Eddie had been drinking was obvious; his body swayed gently and his eyes struggled to focus.

“Eddie!” Steve rushed towards him, but Eddie held out his hand and took a threatening step closer to the edge.

“Don’t! Come near me and I’ll jump!”

Steve skidded to a halt so abruptly that he fell flat on his ass, grazing his hands on the rough parking floor. He stayed where he was, sprawled on the ground, and gazed at Eddie with wide eyes. For a moment, neither of them said anything, they just stared at each other.

Steve realised how long it had been since he’d last seen Eddie in person. Almost nine whole months. In a different world, they could have had a baby in that time.

“Eddie.” Steve struggled up onto his hands and knees and then sat back on his heels, hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Please just step down for a second, okay? Just a second. Let me talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk.” Eddie’s words were badly slurred, one arm waving to cut through the air, the motion so violent it made his swaying worse and for a moment it looked like his momentum was going to carry him right over the edge.

“Eddie, please.” Steve’s voice was tight and desperate, even to his own ears. “Please let me just talk to you. I know the truth, I know you never kissed that guy.”

Eddie looked over his shoulder at Steve again, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “You do?”

“Yes!” Steve got to his feet, moving painfully slowly in the hope that Eddie wouldn’t notice. “I know he forced himself on you, and I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry I didn’t trust you. I should have, I’ve been such an idiot, Eddie.”

Eddie considered Steve, swaying all the time. His lips trembled, and two fat tears began to roll down his cheeks.

“I’ve tried to call you.” He slurred, his voice small and broken. “I’ve called a thousand times. You told Alan that you didn’t want to see me again.”

“I did… I did say that.” Steve nodded, hands up still, his feet shuffling ever so slowly across the ground so he could inch closer to Eddie. “It was dumb. Fuck, it was so dumb, Eds. All I’ve wanted to do is see you… I knew if I talked to you I wouldn’t be able to stand it. I’ve missed you so much.”

Eddie’s tears fell thicker than ever. “I missed you too.” He whimpered.

“I should have talked to you.” Steve kept his voice low and calm, gentle, moving a tiny bit quicker now towards Eddie. “I should have listened to you. I should have been there, this whole time, I should have…” Steve swallowed and shook his head, his own voice breaking until he cleared the lump in his throat. “I made such a big mistake, Eds. And I’m so sorry… Won’t you come down?”

Eddie looked like he might want to, but he didn’t turn all the way around. He continued to half face Steve, pulled between him and the ledge, body swaying between the two. He glanced away, looking back over the edge and the ground so far below and his expression closed off. He closed his eyes and spread his arms, the wind making his t-shirt flutter around his skinny frame. The fabric was so loose on him, and as the wind lifted it, Steve could see the jut of Eddie’s hip bones.

“Eddie-” Steve began to run again, terror making him senseless. Eddie stood like an angel, like Jesus Christ, legs together and arms out, ready to fall. Steve couldn’t let him, he would nail himself to the cross first.

Eddie tipped his head up and inhaled, eyes glazed over as he opened them just enough to see the stars. The pull in him was insistent, like it had been on the day he’d swallowed all of those pills. It had never really gone away, not entirely; Steve was the only thing that made it unnoticeable, and performing on stage helped too, but there were just too many in between moments.

Alcohol had clouded his mind and made things fuzzy. He could hear Steve, and he was saying all the things that Eddie had hoped and wished to hear. That was what made it clear to him that this wasn’t even happening; Steve wasn’t really here. He just wanted him to be.

Eddie closed his eyes again and leaned forward, shifting his weight onto his toes. Gravity pulled him, and he fell far enough to feel the swoop in his stomach before he was crashing against a solid barrier.

Steve leaned back, using all of his weight to counterbalance Eddie’s momentum and send them both crashing down onto the floor. Steve landed heavily on his back, arms crossed tight around Eddie’s middle, and Eddie landed directly onto his chest. He was absurdly light, just skin and bones in baggy clothes, but the fall had winded Steve so that he could barely breathe.

Pain radiated along his spine, but the collision had done something to Eddie, snapping him out of whatever trance he had been in. He struggled to turn in Steve’s arms, wriggling like a snake. Steve refused to loosen his grip, terrified that Eddie was trying to get back onto the ledge, but then Eddie was facing him and his arms were around him and his hair was in Steve’s nose as he burrowed into his chest and sobbed.

Steve loosened his grip ever so slightly, just enough so that he could hug Eddie instead of restrain him. He felt tears dampen his own cheeks, his lungs struggling to get enough oxygen for him to properly cry.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie’s voice was weak and full of pain, his fingers curled tight around Steve’s t-shirt. “I’m so sorry, Steve.”

“Don’t.” Steve wheezed, sliding a hand into Eddie’s hair and holding onto the curls. He cradled him to his chest and bowed his head, breathing in the greasy smell of his unwashed hair. It was sweeter than any incense.

“Don’t apologise to me.” He begged as soon as he could breathe enough to get the words out. “I love you so much, Eddie. If you jump, I jump. Got it?”

Eddie nodded against him, his sobs loud and uncontrollable. Steve’s heart broke a thousand times to hear them, but he kept his hold strong, refusing to let Eddie go for even a second.

Hopper found them like that, jogging up onto the lot with another officer and two paramedics. He was red in the face and panting from all the stairs, but when he saw Eddie and Steve, he sagged with relief.

“Are either of you hurt?” One of the paramedics asked calmly as they knelt beside them, opening the green bag they carried. Steve shook his head, his hand stroking the base of Eddie’s skull, encouraging him to stay hidden against his shirt where he continued to cry.

“Not physically, I don’t think,” He said quietly, struggling up into a sitting position with Eddie in his lap. “Just a few bruises from falling over.”

“Are you able to walk?” The paramedic asked.

Steve nodded, stroking Eddie’s unruly hair and kissing his temple. He didn’t care who was watching. “I can carry him.” He said when Eddie didn’t pay the paramedic any attention.

“All the way down the stairs?” The paramedic frowned. “If he can’t walk we can get a stretcher.”

“He’s fine, he’s just upset.” Steve got to his feet and pulled Eddie gently up as well. Eddie was shaking, his knees quivering dangerously. He clearly didn’t have the strength to get back down the stairs, not now the dam of his emotions had burst.

“I’m carrying him.” Steve said firmly, his eyes daring anyone to question him. “It’s not a problem.”

His working out was serving him well. He lifted Eddie easily, chest aching to feel just how light he was. Eddie wrapped his arms and legs around him, holding on like a koala, and continued to hide his face in Steve’s neck.

When they eventually made it back to ground level, Gareth was waiting for them, hands wringing anxiously. He raced towards them when they emerged from the stairwell, his eyes shining with tears of relief.

“Holy shit, you’re okay!” He hugged his arms around them, squeezing tight until Eddie was squashed between him and Steve. “I was going out of my fucking mind.”

“Me too.” Steve gave a humourless laugh and moved along to the waiting ambulance when the paramedic behind him urged him on. He didn’t want to go to the hospital; he wanted to go home and take care of Eddie by himself, but he knew it couldn’t be that simple. Eddie had made a very public attempt to end his life, Steve could only hope that he would be allowed home that night some time, and not whisked away to some awful mental health facility.

His hold tightened on Eddie and his jaw tensed. One thing was for sure, if anyone tried to take Eddie somewhere without him, they’d have to lock him up first.

Hopper noticed the steely glint to Steve’s eyes and the hesitant way he stepped into the back of the ambulance.

“It’ll be okay.” He said quietly, leaning in to whisper to Steve. “I’ll smooth things over enough to get him back home. You’re who he needs right now.”

Steve was surprised that Hopper seemed to know all about them, and even more surprised to realise that he was glad. He uttered a soft ‘thank you’ and nodded his head, putting his trust in the man and hoping he wasn’t wrong to do so, as the ambulance doors closed and shut them inside.

*

Eddie is reluctant to remove his clothes, and he’s running out of excuses as to why he can’t take them off. At first he said he was just too cold to strip, and then he said he was too tired. Steve accepted it without question, and came closer to help, but Eddie flinched away like he’d been struck.

“Eds?” Steve’s hands hovered, half reaching for him. “I’m just going to help you… You don’t want to sleep in your jeans, right?”

“I don’t mind.” Eddie hugged his arms around himself. “I’m fine.”

“Eddie?” Steve isn’t an idiot, he knows something is wrong.

So much is wrong.

They were in the hospital for so long that the sun was starting to rise outside. Hopper was true to his word and talked the doctors out of sending Eddie away, but they still had to wait for hours whilst he went through various assessments. Eddie was reluctant to talk to anyone, but they pried enough out of him to eventually agree that once he was sober, he could leave, on the condition that he got himself back into therapy and on his medication as soon as possible.

Gareth had called the rest of the band, and news had reached Alan, who agreed to get Eddie’s therapy appointments scheduled. Even though they weren’t touring anymore, Alan was still in charge of taking care of them.

It was all too much to think about for now. Eddie was in dire need of a place to decompress, and Steve was eager to get away from it all too.

It had been a relief to get back home and head straight to bed. There was so much to talk about, and neither of them could face it just yet, but Steve was adamant that they would eventually.

“Come on, Eds. Let’s get ready for bed and get some sleep.” He tried to persuade him, reaching for his shirt again and Eddie shrank away from him. Steve could feel the look of sorrow on his face, but he tried his best to hide it.

“If you want me to sleep on the sofa or something then I will.” He said gently. “Whatever you need.”

“I don’t want that.” Eddie looked terrified. “I want you here.”

“Then why won’t you let me get you comfortable?” Steve held up the pyjamas he’d pulled from the dresser - an old Iron Maiden t-shirt and soft shorts, Eddie’s favourite. “What’s going on, Eds?”

Eddie’s eyes were swimming with tears, but he’d cried so much already, he was sick of it. He swallowed and shook his head, arms tight around himself.

“I don’t… want you to… see.” He said quietly.

“What?” Steve was more confused than ever. “See what?”

Eddie motioned at himself and Steve’s face crumpled. “What do you mean?” He breathed. “I’ve seen you a million times.”

“Not like this.” Eddie whispered, refusing to meet Steve’s gaze. “I’m fucked up, Steve. It’s worse than it’s ever been.”

Steve didn’t understand, but he wanted to. Was Eddie talking about all the weight he’d lost?

“I don’t care about that.” Steve said slowly, carefully. “I only care that you’re here. Everything else, all of this-” He waved his hand between the two of them, “we can figure this out.”

Eddie didn’t look convinced, but he was too exhausted to argue or resist. He gripped his shirt and slowly lifted it over his head, eyes turned to the floor as he revealed his torso.

He was still scratched up from the last show, the one which Steve had watched just a couple nights ago - it felt like centuries. He wasn’t sure how long ago it had been recorded, but the scratches were relatively fresh. They tracked from Eddie’s neck all the way down his torso and arms, thickly scabbed.

“I saw the show.” Steve said quietly, coming closer to Eddie and slowly reaching out to touch. “I know about these already.”

Eddie was clearly shocked, but he started to relax as Steve’s fingertips brushed tenderly down his chest.

“There’s more.” Eddie said, reluctantly lifting his hips so he could push his jeans down his legs. He was so thin that he didn’t even need to undo them, they just slipped straight down, puddling at his feet. His bare legs were scrawnier than Steve had ever seen them, and they were littered with fresh cuts, some still sticky with blood where he hadn’t cleaned up before heading to the parking structure.

“Christ, Eddie.” Steve couldn’t hide his astonishment, his eyes growing wide as he took in the site of Eddie’s butchered thighs. He’d been cutting so much that Steve could barely see the bat tattoos anymore.

“I’m so sorry.” Eddie hid his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as he fought back tears. “I didn’t want you to see… I don’t want you to feel trapped with me.”

Steve parked that thought for later and quietly left the room, hoping Eddie wouldn’t notice.

When he returned, Eddie was still hiding, but he was tense all over. He clearly knew that Steve had walked away, and Steve didn’t want to imagine what he must have been thinking.

“I’m back.” He announced, bringing his supplies to the bed. He’d filled a large plastic bowl, that only ever got used for popcorn, with warm soapy water and draped a washcloth over the edge. He also had bandages and antiseptic from the bathroom cabinet, which he dropped onto the bed next to Eddie.

“Steve?” Eddie lowered his hands to look at the items next to him. “What are you -?”

“I love you.” Steve said firmly, placing the bowl of water on the floor and then bending to kiss Eddie. He cupped his face in both hands, thumbs stroking over the rough stubble that coated his cheeks and jaw. “I won’t be able to think straight until I’ve taken care of you.”

Eddie’s heart skipped and he gave a slow, single nod.

Satisfied, Steve kissed him once more and then sank to his knees. He shuffled between Eddie’s legs, kissed his bony knees, and then began to clean the dried blood from his thighs with the washcloth.

“Tell me what you meant.” He said gently, focusing on his task and keeping his touch light. “Why would you be scared of trapping me?”

Eddie didn’t want to talk about it right now, but he knew that Steve wouldn’t rest until he’d explained. He mentally cursed himself for saying too much and heaved a deep breath. His cuts were stinging everywhere Steve touched, but the pain was sweet and welcome, because it was from Steve.

“You said that we were over.” He said quietly, tongue passing over his dry lips. “I don’t want you to decide to be with me just because… Because…” Eddie’s voice trembled and his fingers clenched over the sheets. “Because you’re worried I’d do this without you.” He said the rest in a rush, face beet red with shame.

Steve’s hands stopped for a moment, his shock halting them, but he soon recovered and just went on tenderly dabbing at the blood on Eddie’s thighs.

“I do worry about that.” He said honestly, relief starting to sink into him as he wiped away more and more blood. The clouds of bats were still visible, badly cut up, but not quite so bad as he’d originally thought. If Eddie could heal without cutting any more, his tattoos wouldn’t be too ruined.

“I worry about you constantly, Eds. I have since the night we first met.” He dipped the cloth into the water, rang it out, and then continued. “But I don’t feel trapped.” He glanced up, just long enough to meet Eddie’s eyes before he looked at his legs again.

“But if you think you can’t leave-”

“I know I can leave.” Steve cut him off and softened his words by kissing Eddie’s knee. “The point is, I don’t want to. I’ve never wanted to. Not for a single second.”

Eddie was reeling, more confused than ever.

“But you did leave.” He whispered, and his voice was so pained that it cut through Steve’s soul like a knife.

“I will always regret it.” He breathed, bowing his head against Eddie’s knees for a moment. He paused for a long minute, just breathing and getting his emotions under control. He was raw after such a dramatic night, and after all he’d learned and seen and feared… he hadn’t wanted to have this conversation now, but it was too late to stop it.

“That stupid photo fucked me up, Eds.” He eventually said, looking up again. Eddie was watching him intently, eyes big and glossy. “I know I should have trusted you, I should have at least talked to you. But I know now the problem was with me, not you.”

“God, don’t.” Eddie rubbed his hands over his face. “Please don’t feed me the ‘it isn’t you, it’s me’ line.”

“I’m not.” Steve continued to speak calmly, cleaning the blood off Eddie’s right leg now. He’d done a lot of thinking whilst Eddie was being assessed, but he’d been too worried to really grasp the epiphany he was having. He saw it now though, as clear as the tattoos on Eddie’s skin, and the realisation brought a wave of calm over him.

“Eds… Things were bad long before that photo.” He said gently, wringing out the cloth again.

“I know.” Eddie sounded on the brink of tears again. “I thought about quitting the tour, I must have thought about it every day. But I couldn’t do that to the guys, and I love making music, but I’ll leave it Steve. I will quit, if you want-”

“I don’t want that.” Steve leaned up, kissing Eddie quiet. “Eddie, that’s the last thing I want.”

Eddie was looking more distressed than ever. “But you hate me being away.” He cried, his voice on the edge of hysteria. “We keep saying we’ll figure it out but I don’t know that we can, Steve.”

“Shh.” Steve kissed him again, wet fingers cradling his jaw until Eddie began to relax again, more from exhaustion than anything else.

“Just listen to me, baby.” Steve begged, touching their foreheads together. “Just listen, it’ll all make sense, I promise.”

Eddie reached out, gripping Steve’s arms for a moment. He noticed that they were rock solid, thick with muscle that hadn’t been there nine months ago. He liked Steve every way he could get him, but he knew that he only got this sculpted when he was doing really, really bad.

“Steve-”

“Just listen.” Steve kissed him once more and then sank back to his knees, picking up a towel now to gently dab Eddie’s thighs dry.

“I realised tonight why I reacted so badly to the photo.” He picked up the antiseptic cream and unscrewed the cap. “All this time, for years, I’ve been growing more and more bitter, thinking that I was just waiting around for you.” He used his fingertip to tenderly rub the cream around Eddie’s cuts.

“I was lonely, and miserable without you, and I blamed you for it.” Steve bowed his head with shame. “I was barely holding on as it was, and then that photo came out, and I convinced myself that you’d found someone else, someone better than me.”

“Steve.” Eddie sounded distraught. “There’s no one I want more than you.”

“I know.” Steve looked up and offered a weak smile. “I know, Eds. I feel the same about you. And I think… I think the truth is, I thought I was waiting for you, but actually… you were the one waiting for me.”

Eddie’s nose wrinkled up at one side. “I don’t understand.”

“I’ve been so miserable, and lonely, and fucking pathetic because…” Steve swallowed hard, searching for the words, trying to be delicate, but in the end they just fell out of him as blunt as a hammer. “Because of my dad.”

Eddie cocked his head, more confused than ever.

“When I came out to him, and he pushed me away, it’s like reality hit. Until then, everyone had been so lovely and supportive, but when my dad reacted so badly it’s like I convinced myself that that was all I deserved. And I got scared… I was scared of what else I might lose if we told any more people.”

Eddie began to nod. He understood that perfectly, because he’d been afraid too. They’d both kept quiet, worried about their jobs and their reputations.

Steve picked up the roll of bandages and began to wrap them carefully around Eddie’s thigh.

“After the kids left, and Robin, I didn’t make any more friends because I couldn’t imagine telling them the truth about us. You were getting so famous, and I was so respected in my work, I was terrified of it all falling apart.” Steve spat the words, angry at himself. “I’m such a fucking idiot… Why would I want to hide the only thing I’m proud of in my life?” He looked up at Eddie again, his eyes bright and full of a passion that Eddie hadn’t seen in a long time.

“I don’t want to hide what we are. I love you, Eddie. I’ve loved you from the second you stormed into my house and called me an asshole.” He gave a crooked grin. “I would give up everything for you. And when I saw that photo, I thought I’d really fucked up… I thought I was the one who’d made you wait too long for me to realise all of this, and you’d found a man who wasn’t scared to kiss you in public, and let the whole damn world see.”

Eddie was speechless, his cheeks wet once again as he gazed at Steve.

“Steve, it’s not like I was shouting it from the rooftops.” He pointed out, but Steve just smiled and started to bandage his other leg.

“I know… But if I’d said to you that I wanted to go public, would you have refused?” He lifted an eyebrow at Eddie, smirking when Eddie blushed and shook his head.

“I would have told everyone.” He confessed, smiling a little too. He worried, of course, about his reputation and the band and the media… but if Steve had asked him to, he’d have declared their relationship with a banner in the sky if he wanted.

“I hate that you’ve been forced out by that stupid photo.” Steve scowled but quickly pushed down his anger. There would be time to be angry at every single person involved later, right now, this was about healing.

“It’s not that bad.” Eddie tried to brush it off. “It’s mostly fizzled out now. People aren’t as interested as I thought they’d be.”

Steve shared Eddie’s ruthful smile and finished taping his bandages down. He took the bowl of water to the dresser where it wasn’t likely to get kicked over and then joined Eddie on the bed, dressing him in the pyjamas he’d picked out before changing into his own.

They centred themselves against the pillows, facing one another. Steve touched Eddie’s scratched up chest and Eddie touched Steve’s pecs, shaking his head.

“You look like a Greek statue.” He said quietly.

“Do you like it?” Steve asked, thinking of all the compliments he’d been receiving.

Eddie thought about it, face screwed up adorably. “I don’t know.” He finally said. “I mean… sure, it’s kinda nice aesthetically speaking, but if you got this way because you were punishing yourself then, no. I hate it.”

Steve pulled Eddie in close and kissed him breathless. Sometimes he forgot how clearly Eddie saw him, and it made him feel weak and exposed in the best ways.

“You’re not the only one who likes to hurt when things get bad.” He said quietly, whispering the secret into Eddie’s mouth.

Eddie tangled their legs and held Steve tight, heart racing. “I love you.” He said fiercely. “Tell me we’ll be okay.”

Steve had no doubt in his mind. “We’re going to be fine, Eds.”

*

“Guys, guys - shh! It’s starting!” Steve hushed everybody loudly, waving his hands until the chatter died down and they faced the TV.

The house in San Francisco was more than big enough for Steve and Eddie, and even a few guests, but the living room was not designed for this sort of crowd. Everybody they invited had shown up, some of them flying for miles and miles just to support them.

Wayne was staying for a couple weeks, his stuff already unpacked in the guest room. Vickie and Robin had homemade all the snacks, and all the kids (who were definitely not kids anymore) had come along with their respective partners.

They were crammed in on the sofa and the arm chairs, and sprawled out on the floor. They passed around plates of food and cans of beer and of soda, but kept obediently quiet as Eddie’s interview began to play on MTV.

Eddie pressed tighter into Steve’s side, grimacing at the sight of himself on TV. It felt so surreal to watch himself, but this was too important to miss. Steve wrapped his arm around him and smiled, kissing his cheek before resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder.

The interviewer was introducing Eddie, confirming that he had requested the interview himself and was there willingly. Once the pleasantries were out of the way, she invited Eddie to say what he’d come there to say and Eddie looked right at the camera.

“Every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms. I had that taken away from me when recent photos emerged of me at a party. The man in that photo is a stranger to me, and his advances were not welcome. But I am in love with a man,” Eddie started to soften, a smile tugging at his lips and his eyes lighting up. He looked utterly smitten and Steve’s heart squeezed to see it, so open and honest, right there on television where anyone could see,

“I am in love with the person I met in High School, and have been in a relationship with for almost nine years. His name is Steve Harrington, and he’s the only man I will ever love.”

Robin made a dramatic swooning gesture, falling against Eddie who laughed, his face bright red. He was red on screen too, but relaxing quickly now the hard part was over. The interviewer was wonderful, congratulating him with sincerity and asking about Steve. The questions were light and careful, and ended with a whole two minute speech from Eddie about how attractive Steve was.

“Oh man, I knew I was talking too much.” Eddie clamped a hand over his mouth, as if he could shut up the past him on the screen. “I’m such an embarrassment.”

Steve touched his grin to Eddie’s neck, so happy he could burst. “I think you’re pretty hot stuff too, ya know?” He said playfully. “Maybe I’ll send a statement to the news.”

“No, no more news.” Eddie groaned, laughing as he turned his head to kiss Steve. “I love that we’re public, but I love being private with you even more.”

“Okay, if you two are going to start bonking can you move it to another room?” Robin scoffed, quickly shuffling back into Vickie’s arms.

“Good idea.” Eddie grabbed Steve’s hand and pulled him up to his feet. The interview was still going, but the important part was over. “If you’d excuse us for a second.”

“Wait… seriously?” Dustin looked over in horror. “You’re not really-?”

“With Wayne in the house?” Steve really hoped Eddie wasn’t actually dragging him off for sex right now.

Wayne sipped his beer and shrugged. “Never stopped you two before.” He said, deadpan, earning a snigger from almost everyone, and a retching noise from Dustin.

Steve was still blushing when they walked into the kitchen, but he was smiling too. They were in the house he’d dreamed of, surrounded by the people they loved, and things finally felt settled. Corroded Coffin had another record in the works, and a tour would follow eventually, but Steve knew he could handle it now. He’d got a job at the school with the rainbow flag, supporting the coach who already worked there. He was a few years out from retirement and well loved, and had taken to Steve immediately.

The school didn’t need two coaches, but the old man had insisted he wouldn’t mind the help, and he’d feel better on retirement day knowing he was passing the team onto someone he’d worked with himself.

It also meant that Steve wasn’t so tied down, at least for now. He’d already discussed the possibility of him joining Eddie on tour every few weeks, and the school had happily agreed when he suggested a slight cut in his salary as recompense. The band was successful enough that they didn’t rely on Steve’s wages, and knowing he could actually be with Eddie as he toured the world was better than any amount of money.

Even Alan was happy. If Steve was around, even for just a week or two every now and then, Eddie was undoubtedly going to be much happier, and much easier to handle.

“I have a surprise for you.” Eddie was smiling, watching Steve who was gazing out at the backyard and thinking about how wonderful life seemed.

“Hm?” Steve snapped out of his thoughts, looking at Eddie. “If it’s a blowjob can we please wait until later?” He asked, thinking of their friends in the adjoining room.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “As tempted as I am, it’s not a blowjob.” He scoffed, though he did crowd Steve against the counter, pressing his body against Steve’s. Eddie had gained weight now he was eating properly again, and he felt wonderfully warm and soft under Steve’s hands when he held onto his waist.

Steve was softer too, but not much. His active job and love of swimming kept his muscles firm, but he was no longer rippling with muscles earned from punishing regimes designed to hurt.

“I have a new tattoo.” Eddie’s eyes were twinkling. “Wanna see?”

Steve’s eyebrows rose in surprise. He was pretty sure he would have noticed a new tattoo - they’d been well and truly naked last night, and he’d kissed every inch of Eddie’s body as they made love. It wasn’t like Eddie could have gone out and got inked this morning, because they’d spent that together too.

“A new tattoo?” Steve was suspicious, wondering where Eddie could have possibly got it where he wouldn’t notice.

“Uhuh.” Eddie held up his hand, showing Steve his fingers. Steve was confused for a moment, searching the back of Eddie’s hand which was already covered in ink. It took a second, but then he realised what was new - a plain black love heart over his ring finger with the initials ‘SH’ inside.

“Holy shit.” Steve grabbed Eddie’s hand and brought it closer, staring at the tattoo. “Eddie…”

“I know it’s sort of on the nose.” Eddie chuckled, looking sheepish. “And I took a huge liberty in assuming you wouldn’t mind but… I want my life with you Steve. If I could marry you I would in a fucking heart beat.” He grinned when Steve looked up at him, eyes shining. “Maybe one day that’ll be a possibility, but until then, this is just a little something to show off our commitment to each other.”

“Eddie…” Steve felt weak, so emotional he could barely hold it in. He flung his arms around Eddie and kissed him before he could start crying, half sobbing and half moaning when Eddie pressed ever tighter to him and licked past his teeth.

They remained locked against the counter, hands pawing at each other and kissing hard enough to bruise. Steve was reeling over the word marriage, and he wished desperately that they could have that. He would marry Eddie in a fucking heart beat too.

He considered dragging him upstairs, suddenly far less concerned about their guests than he had been, but Eddie gently pulled away, ending things before they could progress too far.

“Later.” He promised, breathless and laughing.

“Forever.” Steve corrected, leaning in to kiss him again. “I’m getting one too.” He decided, tapping Eddie’s finger. “I want a ring too.”

Eddie was surprised, but he soon started to laugh again, sweeping Steve right off the floor and into his arms. He wasn’t nearly strong enough to keep him there, and they both went tumbling to the floor, laughing like idiots as they sprawled across the tiles.

*

The next day, Steve went to the tattoo parlour Eddie had chosen. The tattoo was so small that the artist fit him in between clients, and after just half an hour of waiting and ten minutes beneath the needle, Steve had his first ever tattoo.

The initials EM looked quite dainty on his finger. Eddie had talked him out of getting the heart, insisting it would be much nicer kept minimal, since Steve was otherwise uncovered. Steve had to admit, Eddie was right, the simple letters were subtle enough to be barely noticeable and would definitely not get him into trouble at work. But he and Eddie knew they were there, and that was what mattered.

They walked down the street together, their hands joined and fingers laced.