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Kaeya Alberich is a traitor: That is a fact known to two people. One: Himself. Two: His brother.
Well, to call that person his brother is a bit of a stretch. He couldn’t possibly call him that, not after that fateful rainy evening in Mondstadt.
And to call him a traitor is a stretch too, because at the very least, he was an agent: Someone his homeland considers as their last hope, placed in a foreign land to serve their purpose. Sure, that may be the name his brother had branded him on that night, but he hasn’t done anything that would prove it otherwise. He simply observed - for years now, and consumed by his own guilt, he confessed. He was neither a traitor nor agent on that night- He was an honest man.
His honesty took a wrong turn for the worse. What his brother wanted was his support, not his integrity, and as he lay himself down, stripped of anything but the raw truth, Diluc did not see his sincerity and regret amidst his own battle of rage and anger. The revenge that he seeks, he channeled it to him, and in turn, he was prepared to die, willing to atone for a sin he never committed. Yet somehow, the gods of Teyvat seems to have other plans for him; Other ways for him to atone his sins.
There appeared his vision, covering him in frost that saved him from his brother’s flame.
It was cold. Kaeya doesn’t like the cold. It reminded him of how he was abandoned, left to fend for himself in a land unknown. A chapter of his life started on that stormy night as his birth father left him in the vicinity of the Ragnvindr’s. And now, that said chapter of his life ended on a rainy night too.
“Leave.” Diluc uttered, not even sparing him one last look as he turned away and closed the door.
‘Leave?’
Leave what exactly? His home?
But where is his home? The Dawn Winery? Mondstadt?
He pondered for a while, clutching his vision as he walked endlessly throughout the night. The cold that he hated so much became his solace he never knew he would carry for the rest of his life.
‘Cryo is always far more effective in the rain. This is going to get interesting…’
To this day, Kaeya remembered how he planned to disappear after that, but it was not him who left Mondstadt. It was Diluc.
He remembered how broken and shattered he was, unable to feel anything else but pain. The anguish and sorrow he felt did not compare to when his homeland got destroyed, or when he was abandoned. He’d very much rather experience those again than to be left behind. Left by his found family, by his brother, his lover.
Day by day, he was like a walking corpse, devoid of any hint of life. He refused to eat, he couldn’t sleep, alcohol was his company, and doing basic human needs such as bathing and grooming proved hard to him. Kaeya was barely hanging on to threads, of hopes that Diluc would return to Mondstadt, unharmed and well. He knows full well that he doesn’t have the right to worry after all that had happened, but if he could only find a way for him to confirm his safety, then he would gladly take it.
“Good afternoon, Master Kaeya.” Adeline greeted him on the first and last time she visited his quarters at the Knights.
“...Adeline.”
The head maid noticed how worn out his voice was, how red and puffy his eye had become.
“I am sorry for intruding in this most unfavorable time, but my judgment tells me that you should have this.”
Adelined showed him a well polished box, the kind that would store important things inside. As she opened its content, a familiar glow in red warmed his cold and frozen heart.
Diluc’s vision shines bright, just as he remembered when his brother first obtained the blessings of the gods.
A tear fell, rolling down gracefully from his ashed face as he held the vision in his hands. It was warm, contrary to that of his own.
Diluc is alive, breathing in a place he does not know. But at the very least, his ambition kept burning that reflects on his vision.
“Thank you, Adeline.”
The head maid bowed. “It is my duty to serve my master’s needs.”
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. With the previous Cavalry Captain that is nowhere to be found, the position was naturally empty for quite a while before Jean encouraged Kaeya to take it up on his name. He was Diluc’s right hand man after all, and no one really opposes if he does claim the new title.
If he were to be honest, Kaeya doesn’t want to be involved with the Knights anymore, not after the reason he got in in the first place left for good. Despite the irony of what he wanted and what he was supposed to do, he chose the latter. He took up the responsibility that comes along with it, held his head high even though he wanted nothing more than to lock himself up in his own room and listen to the demons whispering in his mind.
It's all your fault.
You shouldn’t have come to Mondstadt.
You shouldn’t have spoken the truth.
You don’t deserve his title.
You don’t deserve him at all.
As he changed his clothes into that of a Captain of the Knights of Favonius, Kaeya swore an oath to himself that he would protect Mondstadt to the best of his abilities, just as how Diluc would, and live a life under the burden of lies.
Tell no one.
Confide in no one.
Do not repeat what had happened in the past.
Surely, he can continue to deceive himself, right?
—
Kaeya swished his glass of Death After Noon, mindlessly listening to the boisterous chattering of the patrons inside the tavern.
It's been five years since that fateful evening, and with the date coming to close, Kaeya could not help but remember the pain he went through. It took Diluc four years before he came back to Mondstadt, and another year for the two adults to hold a proper conversation. While they did exchange letters in the first few months of Diluc’s travel, the awkwardness of having to meet face to face after everything was a different matter.
Kaeya misses Diluc.
But he couldn’t say the same for the other.
So much had changed in those five years, both him and Diluc, and to Mondstadt too. The eccentric kid who always follows the Ragnvindr heir is now the most sought after bachelor and top candidate for grandson-in-law. He gained confidence, charisma, and the charm to please people. He no longer hides in the shadows, and is rather pompous and bold in taking the spotlight.
Diluc, on the other hand, lost his bright and warm smile, heart as cold as stone and walls held up high. He limits talking to anyone, mostly conversing in matters of business and whatnot. Although his passion to punish the evildoers did not fade throughout the time, he prefers to work alone now and in the background, unbeknownst to most people in the city of Freedom. It was as if the roles of the two brothers switched, not that anyone had the courage to ask why and what happened in those five years.
Kaeya’s day went on as per usual, with paperworks to deal with and closing reports here and there, along with the occasional field work that needed to be checked and done. His body is tired and so was his mind, but a good sip of his favorite drink always makes his day end well, save for the irritated glances he received from a certain bartender and owner behind the counter.
“If you’re done with your drink, you can pack your things and leave.”
Kaeya teasingly ran his finger around the rim of his glass. “Come on now, Master Diluc, I haven't even drunk half of it.” He made sure to let him see his drink. “And yet here you are, so eagerly trying to chase me away. Oh my poor, poor heart.”
The redhead’s eyebrow furrowed at his remarks. “Had I known you’d be here tonight, I might have gone out and destroyed hilichurls camp instead.”
“Oh? Then why don’t you?”
“What, relying on a civilian to do your duties?” Diluc scoffed. “Inefficient, as always.”
Kaeya wasn’t really in the mood to fight, but the way Diluc pokes his way through is as effective as it has ever been. Even a moment of silence and shared space between the two is something they could not achieve these days, much in irony of how they were inseparable when they were kids.
All that Kaeya wanted was to see Diluc for a while, doing well on his own without the bitterness of the past, but even that is denied of him.
Kaeya did decide to leave after finishing his drink, but just as in any day that went on as per usual, it couldn’t end peacefully.
“Inefficient? Now now, who was it that left Mondstadt instead of protecting it?”
‘Who was it that left us?’
“Couldn’t have been me.”
Before realizing what words he had spoken, he caught a glimpse of pain in Diluc’s red eyes; A glimpse of hurt and regret that not once did he saw since the day he returned.
His heart clenched, words of forgiveness wanting to be told, both then and now.
“I overstepped. Diluc I’m-”
“Charles.”
Charles, who had been tending on other customers all the while feeling the rising tension, jumped when his name was called.
“Yes, sir?”
“Tend the tavern. I’m going out to cool off.”
Just as he had closed the door on that evening, sealing the fate of the two brothers, Diluc did not spare one look at Kaeya as he took his coat and put his gloves on before he walked out.
Kaeya was left silent in his seat.
There’s that feeling again, rising up in his chest, constricting his breath, threatening to throw up. There’s the feeling of emptiness, of loneliness and of being lost; Being lost and confused on what he should have done, what he should have said, and what he should have not.
Just like on that very night.
Tell no one.
Confide in no one.
Do not repeat what had happened in the past.
This was his mantra- One that he’s been holding on for years, and yet he still could not perfect it, especially the last line.
Especially when it comes to Diluc.
On the brink of spiraling down in his thoughts, Kaeya inhaled and drank his wine in one gulp. Alcohol was his company then, and it still is now.
The patrons of the tavern obviously noticed the mood turning sour, and as the bold and pompous Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, Kaeya had to give his speech.
“My my. Master Diluc needs to grow up and take a little more teasing than that.” He chuckled, trying to hide his shaking voice. “Won’t you agree, Charles?”
“...Right, Sir.”
“The atmosphere has gone bad now. How about I treat everyone with a few glasses?” He raised his newly refilled glass. “As an apology for making a ruckus.”
The people of Mondstadt are carefree, so with a burst of music and a few bottles of wine popped open, the mood went back to how it usually was, as if the two men did not start a fight.
Kaeya did not hold back either, drowning his pain amidst the high of alcohol and laughter.
____
The streets of Mondstadt past midnight are as safe as it would be in the middle of the day. The knights working on night shifts take turns to guard their posts, and its citizens diligently follow an unspoken curfew. Street lamps guided those who are still awake, and houses in every corner gave off a faint glow from their windows, a scenery that was once familiar to Kaeya a few years back in the past. He felt a gentle breeze on his face, reassuring him with a promise of another fine day. The archon of the city of Freedom may be absent in the meantime, but its children never really felt lost or discouraged. As long as the wind blows and the windmills continue to turn, they know that their archon is watching over.
Kaeya was looking up to one of those windmills inside the city, wondering if his quarters would be as cold as it always is when he returns. He was simply delaying his walk home, envious of every house that had a family with a hearth. When times were simpler, he took those moments granted, for he believed that they would accept him despite his roots and upbringing. Now, after everything that had happened, Kaeya kept on having this endless cycle of regret and longing.
Tell no one.
Confide in no one.
Had he upheld this mantra from the very beginning, would his life be different from now?
‘No… We’d both be living in the fragility of a white lie.’
He could not change the past, and if he were given a change to redo it, he would still do the same. He just wished that he voiced it out in another way, at another time.
He’d still tell him the truth, because it is Diluc and he has to know, even if it’s painful.
What causes him more distress is the fact that he could not do anything in the present, watching how their distance grew bigger each day. In every bickering that they do, the gap increases, piling hate on top of another, with no way for forgiveness to break through.
I’m sorry.
I miss you.
I still love you.
These words have become hard for him to utter, and harder to express. For years, he lived his life in the burden of lies that it became innate to him to respond on what was expected of him to act, not on what he wanted to act. People pleased him for his good looks, and in turn, he stood proud and bold, when in reality, he is insecure. His juniors and coworkers may have seen him as lazy towards his work, and in turn, he let the others do it for him no matter the means, when in reality, he’s been trying. Diluc shows his hostility, and in turn, he shows the same, when in reality, he’s been wanting to reconcile with him.
To him, it doesn’t matter if they don’t go back on how they used to be, but he at least wanted to have a decent conversation with him. Whether it be over work related or just about silly things, whether it be for a few seconds to minutes, he won’t mind it. He won’t be greedy.
He won’t be greedy, so why is it that he keeps on expecting, anticipating?
Kaeya continues to lie, to others and to himself it seems.
The halls of the knights’ quarters are dark and gloomy, and his room would be as cold as always when he returns. Yet there are times such as now, that there would be a faint light peeking out from the cracks of his room. It was a recent change in his life that came crashing in, and he could not complain nor comment on it. Rather, he accepted, for this is his way of paying his dues to him, desperately trying to wash away his sins.
Him and Diluc are… on physical terms. He knew that when Diluc said he wanted to go out to cool off, it only meant the opposite of what would occur. He was expecting this, because on nights that the Darknight Hero does his duties, the Cavalry Captain would have his visitor. And tonight was no different from those rare occasions.
As he opened the door, a certain redhead was there, crouching on the sofa all the while clutching his chest. He was breathing heavily.
Diluc’s vision glowed an angry red, curtains billowed as the night breeze entered the room. The moonlight illuminated his pale face, making those beads of sweat glistened.
“You ought to control your temper if you plan to ‘cool off’.” Kaeya mentioned as he closed the door, making sure to lock it through.
Diluc inhaled. “... Shut up.”
“...”
The first time this happened, Kaeya was attacked in an alley hidden from view. He was doing his own patrols to distract himself from the recently returned Diluc so as not to drown in murky and ugly emotions, when he was suddenly grabbed by the collar and pinned on a wall.
Diluc, much like his situation now, was breathing rapidly then, brows furrowed as he looked up.
“Diluc?”
To his surprise, the redhead bit his neck, burying his teeth without constraint. When their bodies made contact, it was then that Kaeya realized he was high on the effects of an after fight. Not to mention, with his pyro vision adding to his increasing temperature, blood vessels are expected to dilate and blood would rush into places.
“You're… Hard.”
As he spoke those words, Diluc seemed to have woken up and pushed the other man away. He looked shocked, just as he is, and was at a loss on what to say.
“I…”
Kaeya knew he shouldn’t.
Kaeya doesn’t have that right anymore.
He shouldn’t, but…
‘Just this time.’
The Cavalry Captain made a sly smile, walking slowly towards Diluc. It was his turn to pin him down, cornered like a small animal.
He ran his fingers, from his neck to his chest to his abdomen, observing how uneven Diluc's breathe have become.
“Shall we?”
‘Please forgive me for indulging just this time.’