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Her son is missing, and she waits. Waits to hear something, anything, that might tell her where he is.
Zack’s friends in the village all seem to think he ran away to join the Shinra army. He said he was gonna do it, Mrs Fair, but we never thought he would.
The ships over to the Eastern continent leave from Costa del Sol, so she goes there to ask questions. Goes to the Shinra recruitment office down by the docks. Shows a photograph to the guy on the desk. He’s only thirteen. He’s a child. Have you seen him?
He glances at the photograph and shakes his head. Sorry, ma’am, I can’t help you. We get a lot of boys passing through here, you know. They’re all young. They all look much the same to me. And the military isn’t a bad option for them. A lot of them have problems at home, broken families and the like. It’s a good thing Shinra takes them in, turns them into men, gives them opportunities they’d never have had if they’d stayed in whatever backwater village they came from. A lot of them go on to do valuable work for Shinra. If your son joined up you should be proud of him. He’s helping to make a better world for all of us.
He’s thirteen.
He shrugs again. Yeah, I get it. Thirteen is on the young side. But if he felt ready to leave home then it's old enough. It’s not like anyone’s checking their ages anyway.
So she waits. Zack doesn’t write, he doesn’t call. He’s dead, a voice in her head whispers in the dark. You’ll never know what happened to him. Eaten by a monster, stabbed in the slums, shot in the war. Dead.
And then an envelope comes. The Shinra crest stamped on the corner. Official-looking. Her hands start to shake and the envelope falls through her fingers to the floor.
But when she finally opens it- it’s fine. It’s a letter to confirm that she’s been nominated as the beneficiary of a military life insurance policy in the event of death in service of FAIR, ZACK. There’s a tiny photo attached- Zack, in an army uniform, looking straight at the camera, his face expressionless. He looks even younger than she remembered. Like he’s just playing at dressing up as a soldier, like he’s going to run through the door any time with a stick in his hand, pointing it at some unseen enemy. Pow, pow, I got you.
*
Her son is gone, and she waits. She finds herself saying the same things over and over again. Yes, it’s been a year now (two years, three). No, he doesn’t write. No, he hasn’t called. No, he hasn’t visited. No, we don’t know when he’ll be back. The words are tired and worn out, because Gongaga is a small place so people gossip and people ask questions. They’re only (mostly) trying to be nice. She doesn’t say the other things, things like no, we don’t know whether he’s dead or alive. We have to assume that if he’s killed Shinra will let us know, because what else can we do? Do soldiers not get leave to go home after all this time? Who knows?
The friends of Zack’s are gone too, now. Gone to the city to look for work. Or gone to join the army- because Zack did it, we can too . That made her unpopular with some of the other mothers. You let Zack go, so our sons thought they could go too .
But she didn’t let him go. She just didn’t know that she needed to make him stay.
The envelope that comes next time is not official. It’s a bit squashed, like it’s taken a long time to get to them. It has Zack’s handwriting on the front. She’d know it anywhere even though the careful block capitals somewhat disguise his dreadful handwriting.
Dear Dad and Mom,
How are you guys?
Sorry for leaving town so suddenly.
I just really wanted to become a SOLDIER.
I bet you’re worried now that I’ve told you…
But now I’m fulfilling my lifelong dream, and I’ll do my best in SOLDIER.
p.s. I have a girlfriend.
Zack
Such a small handful of words. She shakes the envelope in case more might fall out, but no. Anyway, it’s fine. It’s more than he’s sent for three years, so why wish for more? After all, Zack was barely literate when he left and it’s unlikely he’s had any more schooling whilst in the army. This is great, actually. She holds the letter to her chest and suppresses a sob.
*
Her son is silent, and she waits. They’d hoped that the letter was the start of something. That one letter might mean there would soon be a second, a third. That next time he might give an address they could write back to. Or that he might write to say he’s coming home on leave. But it’s just been more nothing. Weeks, months.
Years. Zack would be sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one. Twenty-three, when the girl in the black suit comes to visit.
My name’s Cissnei. I work with Shinra. I’m a friend of Zack’s. I’m afraid he’s missing in action. We need to know if he’s been in touch with you.
You mean to say, you think he might have deserted. It doesn’t exactly fit in with what Zack said in his letter, about doing his best and working hard in SOLDIER, but a lot can change in so many years.
When was the last time you had any contact with Zack?
She shows the girl the letter. She reads it, smiles the slightest bit, and hands it back.
Before you ask, no. I’m not the girlfriend he’s talking about. She points to the letter. And you’re absolutely sure this is the last time you heard from him? There’s nothing else?
No. There’s nothing else. Nothing at all. She tells the girl as much, then- Will you stay for something to eat? You say you’re a friend of Zack’s. We’ve only heard from him once. It’s been almost ten years. Anything you can tell us about him would be very much appreciated. She tries not to sound like she’s pleading for scraps, but she is.
Sure. That’s very nice of you. Zack’s a great guy, you know. You should be proud of him.
*
Her son is missing (again), so she waits. She’s gotten pretty good at it. It doesn’t even feel like waiting any more, just like living without.
There’s no sign of Zack. The girl in the suit doesn’t return.
It’s a ragtag bunch of misfits who pass through town some months later. She’d probably have thought nothing of it if it hadn’t been for two things. Firstly, they came hot on the heels of a bunch of people in helicopters, in those black suits, nosing around the old reactor. And two, one of the group was a blond boy whose eyes glowed bright mako-green.
She’s never actually seen a SOLDIER in real life, but everyone knows about the eyes. She wonders, sometimes, what Zack’s eyes look like now.
It’s her husband who spots it. “You a traveller? Hey, wait, that glow in your eye… Are you in SOLDIER?”
They ask about Zack. Surely someone, somewhere must know about him?
The blond boy shrugs. “Hmm. I don’t know.”
But it’s the girl in the pink dress who looks like the name means something to her. “Zack…” Before running away. It must mean something, but what?
She wants to chase them. To grab the girl and shake her until she gives up whatever she knows about him. But she just stands rooted to the floor.
The boy reminds her of someone. There’s something about the way he walks, the way he carries himself, the way he speaks.
It’s only after they’ve gone that she suddenly realises that it’s Zack. He reminds her of Zack, so much it hurts.
*
Her son is lost, and she waits, certain that someone, somewhere knows what’s happened to him but nobody is telling.
More years pass. She’s lived almost as long now without him as she had with him before he left. The friends of his who left for the city as teenagers start to trickle back to build lives of their own in the village. Two were killed in the meteor disaster. Some have children of their own now. Not Zack, though. Not as far as they know. Still missing, still lost.
She doesn’t recognise the stranger on the motorcycle at first. The boy with the blond hair and the eyes with the green glow is alone this time. He looks older and wiser, somehow, though he still can’t be past his mid-twenties.
She’s never forgotten him, though. How could she, when he’s one of the only possible links to Zack they’ve ever found?
Before, he didn’t have much to say. Seemed somewhat surly. But today he’s polite, in a way that makes her wonder if his own mother knows and is proud of him. He seems like a nice young man, the sort of person she’d like to think could be a friend of Zack’s.
Mrs Fair? Can I come in? I wanted to talk to you about Zack.
Out of nowhere, his face crumples and he starts to cry.
And that’s when she knows.
*
Her son is dead, so she waits. Waits for this young man to tell her everything. I’m so sorry, Mrs Fair. I should have come sooner, but there were a lot of things I didn’t know. I know it’s no excuse, but I was sick, and I didn’t remember a lot of things for a long time.
The young man- Cloud- sips on a cup of tea and tells her everything. A lot of it is bad, but you have the right to know. If you want.
I do want. I want to know everything. I don’t care how bad it is. It can’t be worse than the things that she imagines, the things that keep her awake at night.
Cloud takes a deep breath and wraps both hands around his mug of tea. His gaze is far away as he starts to speak. The first time I really met him was in the snow. Our helicopter had crash landed and we had to walk a long way to get to where we were going for the mission we were on. He was one of the first people I met in Shinra who was really kind to me. He was always smiling. You know how people say, sometimes, that so-and-so had a smile that could light up a room? With Zack, that was true.
It was. She remembers.
She lets him talk, hungry for every scrap of information. It gets later, then it gets dark. She asks Cloud if he wants to take a break, if he’s hungry, but it’s as if now he’s started telling this story there’s no stopping it from pouring out. He sips on tea, then water, talking until he’s almost hoarse with it.
He cries, silently this time, as he tells her about the end. It doesn’t sound real.
But this man is the living proof of it. This is the man who Zack died to protect.
And I’m sorry, Mrs Fair. I’m so, so sorry.
She stands up and pulls him into her arms and lets him howl his grief.
I’m so sorry.
She cries tears of sadness, but they’re also tears of relief. Relief in finally knowing the truth. Relief that she is not the only person to feel so broken by the fact that Zack is dead.
Cloud declines her offer of a bed for the night, but stays in the inn and comes back the next day. To talk about- of all things- the future.
I know someone at Shinra who says he’ll get Zack’s personal effects shipped home to you. But I wanted to see you first, to tell you… everything. So you could find out in person. Nobody should get this sort of news in a letter.
Nobody should have to get this sort of news at all, she thinks. But he’s right- it was better this way. I’d like it if you could call in again, some time. Maybe there will be more things you remember about him that you could tell me. I don’t know anyone else who knew him, you see.
He nods. Of course. I’d like that, too. I run a delivery business. I can drop by when I’m in the area.
And she pulls him in for a hug before he leaves. You’ll always be welcome here.
He leaves her with a photograph. This is Zack in my home town, before… well. Before everything went to shit.
Zack stands confidently in the frame, arms crossed over his chest. It looks like it was once part of a bigger picture, but Zack’s all that’s left of it now.
I’ve never seen a picture of him grown up before. He got tall, didn’t he?
Cloud smiles. Yeah, he did.
*
Her son is gone, and still she waits. Waits for the pain to pass, knowing that it won’t. But that’s okay. She’s waited for years now for things that never came to pass- waited for a letter, or a phone call, or a visit. She can wait for this, too.
A box arrives from Midgar. It’s small, and there’s not much in it- Zack never was very bothered about possessions, so that’s no surprise. She laughs when she finds a teddy bear which she recognises as one he’d had since he was an infant, which she’d thought he’d thrown away years before he left.
And a handful of half written letters, all of which start with To dad and mom. They’re hardly more than snippets.
I hope you’re not mad at me for leaving without saying goodbye.
Things are going really well for me. They say I should be promoted soon.
I like it a lot here in Midgar. I met a lot of new people.
I keep sitting down to write to you but I never know what to say.
I made a lot of new friends but the food here is bad.
You won’t believe it, but I won a medal for being the best at squats in all of SOLDIER!
Mom, it’s me. I know you must be waiting for me to write, but it’s been so long I don’t know where to start.
Oh, Zack.
*
A few weeks later, there’s a knock at the door.
“Cloud! I didn't expect to see you again so soon.” She honestly hadn’t really thought he’d ever come back.
He looks nervous. “I was passing nearby, and I thought- I hope you don’t mind me being here? If you’re busy I can come back some other time.”
She’d been re-reading Zack’s letters, as she does every day now. “Come on in. It's lovely to see you again. I was in the middle of something, but you know what? It can wait.”
She opens the door wide and smiles.