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“What are you doing?”
Eren turned to offer Levi a sympathetic smile before he continued renumbering the squares on the whiteboard calendar hanging on the wall of their tiny kitchen.
Levi felt his stomach drop.
“Nuh-uh, no way,” Levi protested, shaking his head in horror as he watched his roommate count the days, alternating between red and pink as he went. “It’s not time for that yet. February doesn’t start for another week and a half.”
“We have this discussion every year, Levi,” Eren said. A smile still teased at the corners of his lips. With the numbers finished, he drew a star by the 10th, for Mikasa’s birthday, and by the 14th, a heart.
Levi glared sourly at the shape, and Eren laughed. “You should see your face,” he snickered. “February is still a thing, goose. It starts today. Did someone fail to consult you about this? Did your petition not get off the ground?”
It had a grand total of 37 signatures, thank you very much.
Two were from Hanji.
“Don’t talk to me,” Levi grumbled, snatching the tea Eren had left on the counter for him and stalking back to the bedroom. “I’m going back to bed. Wake me up when it’s March.”
*
“Oh, come on, Levi,” Hanji teased as the pair trekked across campus to the science buildings, where they worked as teaching assistants – the worst part about pursuing his graduate degree, in Levi’s humble opinion. “What’s not to like about February?”
Levi shivered. The snow that had fallen during the morning classes was still deciding whether to stick or not – it pooled along the walkways and across the barren flower beds in a dirty, icy slush. But the bite to the air made Levi suspect it’d start to stick soon enough.
The thought made him scowl.
“What is there to like?” Levi cut back, throwing his hands in the air in disgust. “It’s too fucking cold and the snow is a mess…” he kicked irritably at a graying snow drift, just to prove his point. “…And everywhere I go it’s pink and red and roses and those nasty candy hearts – who even likes those anyways?”
“Oh, I see,” Hanji grinned. A wicked-sort of gleam flickered dangerously in the glass of their ice-flecked lenses. “And here we find the heart of the matter – that glorious chiral carbon around which all our favorite simple reactions center…”
“Cut the chemistry and spit it out.”
The gleam returned. “You just don’t like February because it’s the month of love,” they said, embellishing the point by drawing a heart in the air with their hands.
There was a vein twitching in Levi’s forehead – he could feel it. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped back.
“I’m perfectly serious,” Hanji replied, a mischievous grin pulling at the corners of their chapped lips.
“Fine – go be serious elsewhere then,” Levi grumbled. “Don’t you have a lab to teach? O’ Chem students to torture?”
“I can be late,” Hanji laughed. “I’m kinda liking this line of thought. Have you ever been in love, Levi?”
Levi froze on the spot, and it had nothing to do with the temperature. “In love?” he repeated. The words, coming from his mouth, sounded oddly hollow.
“Yeah, love,” Hanji said. “You know, when your stomach feels funny and sparks start flying and all that serotonin and dopamine and OxyClean starts whizzing around your brain…”
“Sounds like a bad flu,” Levi replied, forcing himself stiffly into motion again. “And it’s not OxyClean, it’s –”
“Kinda like you and Eren,” Hanji continued, not even phased.
Levi almost slipped on slick ice. “Me and Eren?” he choked, once the world was right beneath his feet again.
The idea was utterly foreign to him. Levi had met Eren back when Eren was in his second year at the university, working in the same neurology lab where Levi was researching for his senior thesis. It hadn’t started off as the best of friendships, and both Eren and Levi had their quirks, but in the end they’d worked well together. Eren cooked, Levi cleaned. Eren got the groceries, Levi did laundry. Levi liked to hog the sheets, Eren let him take them – and sometimes, if being touched didn’t bother him too much, Eren would share the blankets too, making the winters a little more bearable.
Eren was the one person Levi could think of who wouldn’t make sharing the tiny, one-bedroom apartment awkward, and Levi never questioned it. It just… worked.
The wicked gleam in Hanji’s eyes was back. “Well, yeah.” Hanji chuckled. “I thought that was pretty obvious – I mean, you guys live together. You’re literally sleeping together. That’s usually a sign of…”
“It’s a one bedroom apartment, Hanji, of course we share the bed,” Levi said sharply, the words misting in the bitter air. “It isn’t a sign of anything – and Eren isn’t like that! He doesn’t even like to be touched, why would you assume we’re…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it. “We’re just roommates. Nothing else.”
“Just ‘gals being pals,’” Hanji quipped with a smirk. “Just friends! Don’t mind all the excess dopamine and serotonin and oxymoron floating around!”
“The only moron I see around here is you,” Levi grumbled.
Actually, Levi wasn’t too sure about that. This was a college campus, after all. There was bound to be something stupid going on around here somewhere, he was just too distracted to look.
“And it’s not oxymoron, it’s oxy–”
“It’s your inability to see the obvious,” Hanji interrupted.
“I can see just fine, thank you,” Levi hissed. “Eren is my friend.”
“Alright. Friends. Totally platonic in every sense of the word,” Hanji solemnly agreed.
“Yes.”
“Just friends. Eren’s just a friend.”
“Exactly,” Levi nodded, refusing to admit that he felt even a tiny flicker of relief that Hanji finally seemed to be dropping the subject.
“A friend you might be a little bit in love with.”
“Hanji!”
Hanji howled with laughter, dancing neatly across the snow-sodden lawn to the safety of the chemistry building just as the clock struck noon. “Goodbye Levi!” they cackled, their sing-song voice bringing a burn to Levi’s cheeks. “Have fun with all that dopamine and serotonin and OxyContin!”
“Shut up, Hanji!” Levi snapped. Stress weakened his tone – the Neurology department was still a good five minutes away. Blasted…
“And it’s oxytocin!” he shouted after his friend’s retreating figure.
Hanji’s laughter followed him all the way to class.
*
By the time the class ended, Levi’s mood had only gotten worse.
The snow had stuck with a vengeance, coating the entire campus with a fluffy white mess that Levi knew would be slushy and gray by the end of the week. Levi couldn’t keep himself from scowling at it as his students gazed longingly out the windows.
And, as if to add insult to injury, the topic for the class was neurotransmitters.
Damn Hanji for guaranteeing that Levi would mess up the word ‘oxytocin’ every single time he had to bring it up in lecture.
“Hey, Levi, do you remember where I put those assignments?” Petra asked as she walked into the teaching assistant office. She peered around the room in dismay, shuffling through stacks of papers and around books and various office affects as she passed. “I could’ve sworn I…”
“What’s it like to be in love?” Levi asked.
“Huh?” Petra stopped short, stunned – if not by the question, than definitely by the person who asked it.
“You know,” Levi mumbled, feeling silly even for asking. “Being in love.” Shit, he shouldn’t even have bothered – wrenching the words out of his mouth felt like pulling teeth. “What’s the big hype?”
Petra’s eyes grew wider. “You don’t know?”
“Let’s pretend for the sake of the conversation that I don’t.”
And the young woman laughed, threw her head back and clutched her sides and laughed, as if Levi had just told the best joke in the world. As if not knowing what love felt like was unimaginable. The sound echoed against the linoleum tiles and the metal siding of the desks, stuck to the frosted windows like mist and stung at Levi’s cheeks.
Or maybe that was a blush. Levi couldn’t tell.
“Don’t be silly, Levi,” Petra replied after her laughter died down a bit. “Everyone knows what falling in love feels like. For me, it’s been different every time, and even I still just know. Sometimes it’s slow and catches me by surprise – like a tidal wave! And sometimes it’s fast, and you don’t even know what hit you… and when I met Auruo– ”
“From the Physics department?” Levi asked.
The young woman nodded, her cheeks flushing shyly. “You know him? When we met, I swear sparks flew.”
Looking at the stars in her eyes, Levi didn’t doubt it.
In fact, the only thing he did doubt was if he’d ever felt the same.
*
The office was empty by the time Levi finally finished grading papers, his hand sore and his neck stiff from the long hours spent hunched over the too-small desk by the door. He could’ve been home two hours ago, he knew.
But home was the last place he wanted to be – not while Hanji’s and Petra’s words still rang in his ears. So he’d stayed away, drowning his thoughts in grading written assignments and midterm papers, knowing all the while that Eren would be home by now. Doing homework. Cooking dinner.
Dopamine. Serotonin. Oxytocin. Phenylethylamine and norepinephrine and a shot of endorphins. Chemistry in a very literal sense. Was it really such a dramatic affair?
“Like a tidal wave… like flying sparks…”
Love like an avalanche, love like lightning, love so strong it could make you feel like the whole world had shifted on its axis beneath your feet. It didn’t sound pleasant to Levi, it sounded like a disaster – but as he wandered the empty, snow-lined streets, Levi found himself wishing he could know what it felt like. Found himself wanting to stare down a hurricane and smile with the wind on his face, the rain on his lips, wanting to get caught in a forest fire or stunned by a thunderstorm, just to see what everyone meant.
Maybe then he’d understand.
*
Levi barely got the door open before he heard footsteps from the kitchen, the hurried sounds of slippered feet across cold hardwood. The sound almost brought a smile to his face. The slippers had been Christmas gift from last year – Levi remembered because Eren had gotten him the same thing, remembered Eren staring at the open box before the laughter overtook him.
“You know, when your stomach feels funny and sparks start flying…”
The smile faded.
No, Levi didn’t think he knew, not even about Eren. Hanji had been wrong.
As the steps drew closer, he shoved the thought away.
“Levi?”
“Yeah.”
The lights in the living room flickered on.
Eren was wearing the slippers from last Christmas – and the blanket from this one was wrapped around his shoulders like a cape. He had his phone in one hand, its face lit with a ‘dialing’ screen, and there was a ladle in the other, forgotten in his rush. Before Levi could grumble about the soup dripping on the floor, something lit up in Levi’s jacket. The chorus to “Eye of the Tiger” spilled from his pocket.
Phone Call From: Eren Jaeger
“Sina Mortuary: You snuff ‘em, we stuff ‘em,” Levi answered in a deadpan.
The concern melted from Eren’s face in an instant. “You dork,” he huffed, ending the call. He set the ladle on a coaster on the coffee table, then started to help Levi shed the layers of winter clothes. Boots by the door, hat, scarf, gloves. “Almost had me worried there,” Eren murmured lightly, “with the snow and everything. It’s getting bad out there.”
“The bus route was closed for ice on the bridge,” Levi replied, shrugging out of his jacket with a shiver – even the air inside was cold. “So I just walked. Nothing too dangerous.”
Eren paused, his mouth starting to say one thing, his eyes saying another. Instead of words, however, he clapped a gentle hand to Levi’s shoulder and, hesitating only slightly, pulled Levi in for a hug.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Eren whispered.
And Levi felt warmer, though it had little to do with the temperature change. Eren, Levi had long discovered, had a way of warming Levi from the inside out.
“I'm glad too.”
*
The evening wrapped up quietly, as all winter evenings seemed to do – with all thoughts of papers and theses abandoned in favor of blankets and warm mugs and old favorite sitcoms, and snow falling softly upon the world outside their window. The night was cold and the city was silent, but all around them, Levi felt February settle in with more warmth than he expected.
“Classes are cancelled,” Eren called, garbling the words around his toothbrush as Levi slipped into bed.
“Good,” Levi grumbled, pulling the blankets over his head. It was cold enough to make even Eren consider a second blanket – but he’d have to fight off Levi first. “Maybe I’ll be able to use ‘oxytocin’ in a sentence without wanting to strangle Hanji by the time the weather lets up.”
The mattress sank as Eren crawled into bed, smelling of winter-mint and vaguely of soap. “Did something happen?”
“Only the usual,” Levi replied. “Hanji stumbled across an idea they liked and ran with it.”
“Hmm. Must’ve been quite an idea – strangling Hanji is usually your last resort.”
“Yeah. Well.”
Levi sighed, and the silence lingered and slowly stretched, settling so comfortably between the pair Levi almost wondered if Eren had fallen asleep. It wouldn’t be the first time. When Levi was sure of the steady rise and fall of Eren’s breathing, he finally let himself speak.
“I…” Levi stopped, feeling the words catch on his tongue, behind his teeth. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.”
There. The realization that had been haunting him all day, chasing him through the falling snow, now hung in the night air, mingling with their quiet breathing.
“Ever?” Eren asked.
“…Yeah.”
The mattress creaked softly as Eren shifted, turning in place to fix Levi with a curious look – Levi could feel, even without seeing, the weight of his friend’s gaze. Kind fingers pulled at the blankets, waiting for Levi to show his face.
“What makes you say that?”
“Something Hanji said,” Levi muttered into the blankets.
Eren waited.
“Because for everyone else, it's... some huge thing,” Levi murmured, turning to watch the snow fall in and out of the streetlight beyond his window, gentle and uncaring and unmoved by the world. “Everyone makes it seem like such a big deal. Like a major life event. And for me, it’s… not.”
Levi wondered if saying the words aloud made them true.
“Well, for some people,” Eren replied, “it is a big life event.”
The words tore like the winter wind, slashing at the worst of what had grown in Levi all afternoon. The worry. The… fear, even. That he was missing something. Missing out. Suddenly, the blankets didn’t seem like enough to keep out the cold.
“But it doesn’t have to be.”
Outside, the snow stopped.
“Levi.”
Levi turned. Didn’t want to, but couldn’t resist it – Levi turned to face the reflection of the streetlights glowing in Eren’s gaze. He wondered what Eren saw in his.
“For some people,” Eren murmured gently, “love is quiet.” Levi saw Eren’s lips turn upward at the thought. “For some people, love can be cooking a meal, or cleaning the bathroom, or thinking of someone when they’re down. Love can be as bright and loud as firecrackers…”
As he spoke, Eren reached out, brushing his thumb softly, tentatively, along Levi’s jaw. Letting his hand come to rest along Levi’s face, feeling the warmth that flushed beneath his skin.
“…or as simple as a hand on their cheek.”
Oh.
And Eren smiled. “So do you still think you’ve never been in love, Levi?”
Oh.
For a long moment, all Levi could do was stare. Stare, silently, and wonder.
Did he…?
Looking at Levi’s expression, Eren laughed.
Maybe.
“That’s what I thought – hey!”
Wumph!
Levi very quickly decided that Eren looked decidedly less smug with a pillow in his face. “And just how long have you ‘thought’ this?” Levi grinned.
“From the very beginning,” Eren replied, chucking the pillow right back at Levi, who snatched it back and returned it to his mountain of pillows, throwing the blankets back over his head with a laugh of his own.
“This won’t change anything, will it?” he asked, relishing the soft press of the blankets all around him and the light touch of Eren’s fingers on his hand, feeling warmer than he had in months.
Love like lightning, this was not, but perhaps it didn’t have to be.
“It doesn’t have to change a thing.”
Perhaps Levi didn’t need it to be in the first place.
“Good. Because I kinda like it how it is.”
This - this laughter, this moment, this quiet night in February - was more than enough.
“Me too.”