Work Text:
After the fight, after picking herself up, at least the pieces that are left of her, after getting to go back to her so called home, the Nun decided to do what she should have done before.
She remembers Ava, meeting her on the balcony, asking her if she would go back to the alps, back to hans and the bar and everything they left behind to fight for the, in avas words catholic fucking church. She remembers saying no, she remembers blaming Ava for everything, telling her that every loss was her fault.
Now she would like to apologize, hold her in her arms, remind her how strong she is, rub her back,
kiss her
She told ava she would not go back to the alps, she would not go back to their little appartment, their little movienights, their long walks, their shared bed, their window, where the sun would shine perfectly onto avas face.
She would do it now, she should have done it, because now its to late, because now its not the same anymore, not without ava.
But ava asked her to live her life, whatever her life is. What is her life? She is feeling different, but most of all she is feeling empty. Empty because she said no to avas question of a life Togehter, empty because she had to let her go, empty beacause she took so long to say those three words back...
I love you
Its burned in her mind like its the most important thing in her life (whatever her life is), she still hears the words like a whisper in her ears everytime she thinks about ava, and ava is the only thing she thinks about.
But thats because she is indeed the most important thing in her life.
Her life... ava is her life, ava is the reason she lives. She gave her life so everyone else gets to live. So thinking about avas last words, thinking about living her life, she asks herself how she could live her life if her life is not here anymore?
The closest thing to her life is the past time in the Alps, waking up to the quiet sound of Ava snoring next to her. Or ava telling her about her shift at the bar, even if beatrice was there, too. Or watching ava Pouring drinks for costumers, spilling half of it on the wooden Bar, and cleaning it up to late as its already sticking to it. Or staying out late and Getting drunk for the first time and ava beeing so, so happy about it. Or dancing with her and holding her hand while doing so. There is to much, to many things, too many experiences with her that make all her wishes come to mind.
Her life began in the Alps, so she would like to continue living it there, even if she is no longer by her side.
So holding her bag in one and avas room key in the other hand
beatrice takes the first step into Avas old room to get some of her own stuff, ava took back from the alps, as she Notice something is different. The room is clean, not Messy as it normaly was. There are no cloths on the ground and the Papers on her Desk are sorted and stacked carefully.
Beatrice sits down on Avas bed and Covers herself with one of the fluffy Blankets as she hears something falling to the ground. She leans forward and picks up the white paper. She turns it in her hands but Stops.
Maybe its privat, maybe I'm not allowed to open this... I think it's a Letter?
But Ava is not here anymore, maybe its important, maybe I can allow myself to step into Avas privicy and read it...
After Quick thinking she slowly opens the Letter and Freezes as she reads who this Letter is adressed to.
Because it's Adressed to her.
So she starts reading, her teams aleady blurring her sight.
Dear beatrice,
I know, goodbye Letters are shit and stuff, but I could not leave without saying goodbye. Even if I did get to say goodbye, there probably was not enough time to tell you everything thats on my mind. So please dont kill me (sorry, thats funny) for this Letter, because whats going to be said is to important not to say.
I love you, bea
I loved you the whole time. Thats why I realised its not all about me, no, its about you. You and everyone else important to me (but mostly you).
There was a time where I wished we could stay together in the alps, make New experience, find stuff to love, love. But that would have made no Sense, because me living means everyone else dieing, and I could never see you die.
Please dont be mad at me (or do, if that means you akido me into submission) because I did this for the better. I did this because its the worrior nun job, right? I now know you would not mean it anymore, but its true, because if sacrificing myself means that you get to live, its the right thing to do.
You are beautiful bea, so beautiful. In and out. Never let someone tell you otherwise (My ghost would haunt everyone who would say that anyways). Your face, your smile, your freckles, your eyes, I love every part of you, but mostly I love your heart.
Dont blame yourself bea, it's not your fault I'm not here anymore (if you want to blame yourself for something, then for not letting me think straight).
Thank you for everything, those past few month have been the best of my life (even if half of it was me getting beat up by you or others). I hope, that now you can make your peace and live your own life, be who you want to be, not who others want you to be. You are perfect as you are.
The space on this paper Ends soon, I have to make it short. Bea, please tell the others I'm thankful for the time together, tell them that it was nice to finally find a family.
And please dont cry bea, I'm still with you even if only mentally.
With that I say my final goodbye, I love you.
In the next,
Your ava♡
The dried tears mark the end of the letter.
Then, as beatrice Folds the paper carefully, her tears finally find a way out, running down her cheeks, and she could swear there was a hand cupping it, swiping away the wet of her face. But as she opens her eyes, with hope there would be Her, standing right in front of her, it seems like it was only a light blow of Wind, because shes still alone in avas room.
After some moments, she gets back on her Feet, she has to Keep going, for ava.