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He felt sick. Not in ‘I am in the process of getting a flu’, it was more of a heavy, painful knot in his stomach paired with slightly risen temperature, making him sweaty and uncomfortable. The more he tried to roll around, calm his mind and rest, the worse the sensations got.
Exhausted, Narek grabbed a bottle of pills out of a hidden pocket in his bag and swallowed two without paining attention to the instructions. He had to be on his feet tomorrow and couldn’t afford to show weakness, not with his sister breathing in his neck.
When they were little, Narissa always mocked him for needing just a little bit more medical attention than her. It made her feel superior, stronger and only emphasised her position as the “better” sibling. To Narek’s suffering, he had the luck to collect the genes for a horrible immune system, making him sick almost every week and the victim of sharp comments when Narissa delivered his school tasks, never minding explaining them to him. Still, he passed all classes with excellent grades while his sister always seemed to struggle and saw red when seeing his results.
Unsurprisingly, Narissa was fuming inside when she had no other choice but to trust him with this mission. Nevertheless, she wasn’t hesitating to rip Soj… the synthetic out of his hands by even the slight smell of failure. The mission was priority. They could not fail, he could not fail. This was his chance to prove he was more than just good grades and the given title of a fool and family disgrace.
‘You are in love with her, with IT.’ The words still send a shiver down his spine. They upset him, because they were true. Since he entered the cursed room which he should call his temporary home, the romulan wasn’t able to lock eyes with his reflection. Soji’s help seeking and confused eyes still burned holes inside his soul. He disgusted himself. Despised the man he had become, yet a man he should be. A man who earned respect, fulfilled his duty, proved himself worthy and most importantly made his family proud.
Nonetheless, for what prize? A short glance at Soji and her beautiful smile was all it needed to crack this image. What a sad excuse for a spy falls for his target? What a sad excuse of a man planned to betray his new found love and happiness? But he had to, right? What was one life against the lives of the whole universe? Yet, Soji’s caring and kind-hearted nature shattered all the haunting and monstrous images inside his head.
A light ‘beep’ from his communicator signalled the arriving of a massage and his gut feeling already told him from who.
< Breakfast at eight? >
Soji’s massage shot a painful sting right into his heart and the nauseous feeling he showed down hit him full force. Countless times, he fantasised about telling her the truth and begging her to run away with him, to run away from responsibilities and danger. Needless to say Narek never indulged into this impulses and buried them deep down inside of him. They will blow into his face eventually but he can deal with that when the time arises. He had work to do.
< Sure. >
Another beep signalled an answer but Narek threw the device across the room so its content will remain a mystery until tomorrow. Great, now he had a headache too. Annoyed he reached for the sleeping pills on his nightstand. Combining two medications might not be a good idea but whatever. Should have thought of that before. It was embarrassing enough to admit he needed them to sleep alone but that was the least of his problems right now.
Only a few minutes passed, before the pills finally kicked in and allowed his restless mind to find peace, even if it only lasted for a while.
The smell of fresh air and something sweet he couldn’t place woke the romulan up again. Irritated, Narek peaked through half opened eyes but stayed in his curled up position, not wanting to alert any potential kidnappers. Where the hell was he? Did someone reveal his identity? He felt no restraints but an arrest cell should also do the trick, so they weren’t crucial. A few heartbeats passed before he dared to carefully open his eyes fully to scan his environment. To say the sight of an old, wooden room, flooded in warm and non-artificial daylight was an understatement.
The absence of any danger eased his nerves and curiosity replaced the dark thoughts. While climbing out of the bed he still lay in, he noticed his body felt lighter, like a heavy weight was lifted from his chest, back and head. The sensation felt almost unreal. When was the last time he felt so… free? Free from the weight of pure existence and pressure from his job?
Daylight flooded the room through a giant window across the room which opened the view into an endless field of fresh and bright green gras. Huge trees painted with dark lilac leaves and red veins build a wall of protection around the estate and wrapped it in comforting safety. Little birds played in the morning sun and bathed in a small fountain, placed centred in the garden. It reminded him of the one his aunt had in their old home. She loved these animals.
Carefully, Narek opened the window and leaned outside to get a better view, when quiet steps startled him. Out of habit and reflect, his eyes quickly searched an object he could potentially use as a weapon but an all too known voice calmed his nerves.
“What the hell are you doing? Go back to bed,” Soji scolded him but her complaints only got faced with a confused look into her direction.
What in the world was she doing here? Is this a trap? A dream? A hallucination?
The young woman walked towards him and touched his elbow which almost made Narek jump. He tried moving his arm out of her grasp but her fingers only tightened around the spot and promised only a hint of all that hidden strength she shouldn’t know about.
“Come on, no games now Narek. You need to go back to bed.” Now concern was bleeding through Soji’s voice.
Finally, the romulan snapped out of his confusion and answered.
“I am fine. I don’t remember being bedridden or something similar.”
For a millisecond Soji’s fingers tightened but relaxed shortly after. Irritation.
“Are you kidding me? You are sick. You almost passed out a few hours ago. I had to carry you upstairs. You are not fine, do you even have a clue about how you are looking right now?”
Now that Soji mentioned it, Narek painfully became aware of the fact that he felt lightheaded. It was like someone flipped a switch. First, he mistook it for excitement about the beautiful environment and taste of freedom but now he recognised what it was. He felt dizzy and almost out of his body. He wasn’t feeling free from pain but was in a delirium. His skin burned and he realised that he was shaking.
Right, he felt ill when he went to bed but he can’t recall passing out or moving to another location. Hesitant, he followed Soji’s lead and set down. The morning light still had an eternal glow and dust travelled through the room, carried by a soft breeze which had entered through the now open window. Regarding of how beautiful the sight was, Narek took it as a signal of circulation issues.
With the edge of his senses, he heard Soji talking to him but his brain blocked out the exact words. His gaze was now locked on a photo-wall. Pictures of both of them. Smiling, kissing, being happy together.
How? He never allowed strangers or forbid targets to take any photos of him. He should stay anonymous. No evidence. He was just a shadow. He was a ghost. Yet, here there were. Proof so uncomfortably clear right in front of his eyes. The strange part, he couldn’t recall those memories, the history behind the pictures. It all became a foggy mess starting to hurt his overwhelmed brain.
“Narek, are you listening, are you still here?”
Something or better someone was shaking him. Like snapping out of a trance, he blinked and eyed Soji on his side. This time her touch didn’t feel threatening or uncomfortable but calming. She was here. With him. But why? Shouldn’t she know better by now that she should stay away from him in the long term?
He wasn’t stupid. He knew the girl’s interest in him was based on the fact that he was a mystery, an exciting puzzle in the monotony of her work and seemingly locked up co-workers. Sure, some of that attachment was real but he expected it to be overshadowed by the lingering feeling of wariness. She knew he was Tal Shiar and potentially a threat, yet a side of her naively trusted him.
Just like a side of him was trusting her. Trusting her to not snap his neck in his sleep or sabotage him in any other way. And the worst part, he liked it. He liked that he was trusting her. He liked that he found someone to somewhat be himself with and show weakness. He should hate her but he couldn’t.
She might be an android but she was warmer and so much more human than the majority of people he has met. When something programmed to cause so much pain and suffering but was all a living and compassionate being should be if not more, was it truly evil? Was it truly worth destroying?
Only now Narek realised he still hasn’t answered Soji who still looked at him like he was some fragile cup, threatening to brake any second.
“Why are you doing this?”
Not exactly an answer but his confused brain couldn’t come up with something else.
“Doing what?”
“Taking care of me.”
For the first time their eyes met and Narek was once again taking aback by Soji’s beautiful, kind eyes. They carried so much joy, so much light in them. Instead of confusion a warm smile spread across her lips.
“Because I love you silly and I don’t want you to harm yourself further, that is why you are staying here.”
With that, she gently pushed him back inside the covers and rested a hand on his chest to hinder him from trying to resist his fate again but Narek didn’t even try. His heart fluttered by the thought of her being able to love someone like him. Why was the thought so... nice. It should disgust him, a quiet voice inside his brain screamed. Yet, it didn’t, the opposite. Soji had a magnificent soul worth protecting. She was good, wasn’t she? He didn’t know anymore.
A tear ran down his cheek and he didn’t know why. Why was he crying? Shouldn’t he be happy in such a warm and exclusive moment?
The next thing he was aware of where arms around his neck and a body carefully leaning into his.
“Tomorrow, all will be good again,” were the last words he heard before feeling a slight pinch. Soji had to give him some sort of sedation or sleeping medication. Slowly the sounds of birds, the vitalising morning light (Was it even morning light?) and small cottage room faded into darkness. Only the sensation of feeling cared and loved for lingered.
When Narek woke up, he thought to still be caught in unconsciousness. The dark grey ceiling and dull décor of his quarter were a stark contrast to the lively little world he was trapped in before. The experience felt like a fever dream but if he was honest, the young agent wanted back into the world of no responsibilities, of peace and freedom.
One again, his searching gaze fell on something but this time it wasn’t a wall of seemingly beautiful memories but his manipulated tan zhekran, promising nothing besides death. With the sudden hit of nausea he was honestly surprised to be able to suppress the urge to vomit.
This was reality. This wasn’t some ideal and romanticised world. His sister was right. The android was a weapon, a machine. Her emotions were fake, everything was fake.
‘Tomorrow, all will be all good again.’
In fact, nothing will be good again. Never again. At the end of the day, either seb cheneb or him were dead. His feelings didn’t matter. This was reality. This was reality.
But if something that was able to offer so much compassion and good to the world is considered wrong and needed to be destroyed, was the real world even worth living in? Was it truly a real world or just another nightmare?
A slap haled through the empty room, then another and another. As his sister said, sometimes all he needed was someone to knock his senses back into him and back to the right mindset. His thoughts were circling and overthinking questions he shouldn’t ask will only hinder him and the mission. He was an agent, he needed to do what needed to be done. One life wasn’t worth putting every life in the galaxy at risk.
He still felt sick but couldn’t say if that really was based on physical or mental issues. It didn’t matter anyway, he had to perform. He needed to succeed and finish what his ancestors and family started.
The alarm clock told him it wasn’t worth trying to sleep again, not that he expected he could after all of this. Was that what he desired, what he craved, what he considered rig…
Another slap. Romulans. Were. Good. At. Detachment.
‘Get your shit together Narek!’
For the next few hours, the agent spent his time going through mission protocols and paperwork, doing anything to supress the unwanted emotions with the only result of felling numb. He didn’t even bother to look at the message the synthetic send him before going to bed. Reading it would only send him spiralling again.
Thinking about it, this was not all too different from the out of body experience he had before. The exception, no lingering feeling of cosiness and no smile from the most gorgeous girl he has met in his life.