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Do you think I’d give up?
That this might’ve shook the love from me
Or that I was on the brink
How could you think, darlin’, I’d scare so easily?
Now that it’s done
Kaveh sighed as he put down his empty wine glass and looked at the calendar, scowling at the current date. It would’ve been two years that he’d been with Alhaitham today. If they had lasted that long.
He poured himself another glass of wine since his head wasn’t fuzzy enough yet, wishing he had something stronger that would get him drunker faster.
This wine was precious though. Each smooth and sweet sip reminded Kaveh of the feeling of Alhaitham’s lips against his own. It was the one year anniversary gift he received from Alhaitham. The last gift that proved Alhaitham’s love for him.
Kaveh closed his eyes as he took a long sip from the glass, letting the unique flavors of the wine soak on his tongue while he tried to remember the last time Alhaitham genuinely loved him. This wine was the last piece of evidence that he had ever been loved in the first place.
There’s not one thing that I would change
My life was a storm since I was born
How could I fear any hurricane?
If someone asked me at the end I’d tell them, “Put me back in it”
He was at least loved until October. From last September until the next October Alhaitham loved him. Kaveh took another sip. Those were the best months of his life and he’d do anything to do it all over again. Even if it only lasted until October.
Darlin’, I would do it again
If could hold you for a minute
Darlin’, I’d go through it again
I would still be surprised I could find you
Darlin’, in any life
If I could hold you for a minute
Darlin’, I would do it again
For all that was said
“I miss you, bastard.” Kaveh finished the glass of wine with one final gulp, finally feeling the effects of the alcohol melting away the anguish in his chest. When he was sober, every moment he was awake he would only think of Alhaitham. Granted, when he was drunk he could only think of the scholar as well.
“The least you could do is apologize for leading me on for so long. Eight months is such a long time to make someone feel loved when they weren’t.” Kaveh felt hot tears sting at his eyes and he quickly wiped them away, pouring himself yet another glass. He’d gone through half the bottle already. Losing evidence that he was loved.
Of where we’d end up at the end of it
When the heart would cease, ours never knew peace
What good would it be on the far side of things?
It was too soon
He had gotten his job in October and he moved out of their dorm so he didn’t have to walk so far, not knowing that this would be the beginning of a very lonely existence. Kaveh’s job often required long strenuous hours of work and he saw less and less of Alhaitham.
Alhaitham had become more reserved and eventually stopped texting Kaveh “good morning” and “goodnight” every day. Soon after that he wouldn’t say “love you” unless Kaveh said it first. Kaveh knew Alhaitham was starting to fall out of love with him but he would insist that he did, he just didn’t feel comfortable expressing it in the same ways that Kaveh did.
Kaveh knew that having anyone love him would take more effort than the average person. His own emotions were too intense for anyone to handle ever since he was little. He felt everything so much more than everyone around him and no one understood. Alhaitham proved that he wasn’t worth the effort.
When that part of you was ripped away
A grip taking hold like a cancer that grows
Each part of your body that it takes
Though I know my heart would break
I’d tell them, “Put me back in it”
Dates became less and less frequent as Alhaitham started giving his books more attention than Kaveh. Coffee date? Alhaitham was studying. Dinner date? Alhaitham was reading. Kaveh even once joked that he would have to write a book just to get Alhaitham’s attention, to which the scholar replied with “your book wouldn’t be interesting enough to even pick up off the shelf.”
Kaveh’s mental health started deteriorating the more Alhaitham pulled away from him, an ancient panic taking over the architect as he began desperately trying to get Alhaitham just to hang out. Every weekend he’d ask to spend time with Alhaitham and every weekend Alhaitham would be too busy reading his books. Once Alhaitham had promised he’d come over after he finished his book, he picked up another one instead.
Tighnari and Cyno insisted that Kaveh should break up with Alhaitham but Kaveh was too in love to see anything wrong. He was too scared that this was his one shot at love and he’d never be loved again. His friends knew that Alhaitham didn’t love Kaveh anymore but that didn’t stop him. It would take two months of ghosting Kaveh for Alhaitham to break up with him.
It was over the phone in May. After Kaveh had just bought a larger bed so Alhaitham could come over to sleep over. “You should probably return it,” Alhaitham said flatly. “What do you mean? I bought it for us.” Kaveh replied, his hope being crushed by fear. “I won’t be sleeping in it. I can’t do this anymore, Kaveh.” Kaveh swallowed thickly. “What do you mean?” Alhaitham pinched the bride of his nose with his fingers. “I’m breaking up with you.”
Now it was October again and Kaveh was still as in much pain as he was in May. The Irminsul claims that it takes three months on average to get over a past relationship. It’s almost been six months. Did this mean that Kaveh was doomed to mourn the loss of someone who was still alive forever?
Kaveh had gone on dates with other men but none of the experiences felt right; none of them were Alhaitham. He looked for Alhaitham in everyone. However no one could ever be Alhaitham. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe this was how it was always meant to be.
Tighnari was concerned about Kaveh’s mental state after the blond concluded that Alhaitham would come back to him. That Alhaitham just needed some time alone before realizing that he still loved Kaveh. It’s not like Kaveh could imagine a life without Alhaitham after planning his whole life around him.
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I