Work Text:
Shouyou clutched his wrist, holding it up to his heart but too afraid to look at the words printed there. To look at the name he knows will be there.
He let go of his wrist but kept it pressed to his chest as his right hand to rummage around his bedside table for he had bought earlier on his way home. It was going to hurt, there was no doubt about it. Not just physically either.
Maybe it would have been easier if that were the case, if it hadn’t already felt like his heart splitting in two. He hadn’t told his soulmate yet, never actually planned too, in all honesty.
Shouyou didn’t want to lose him, he also didn’t want to hurt him. Which is exactly what would happen. Kenma wouldn’t love him back, not in the way Shouyou loves him. But he was also the type to try and force it if he found out.
It would break him. Shouyou knows that Kenma would break (knows it in the same way he knows how Kenma’s eyes squint just the tiniest bit when he wants to laugh at Shouyou’s stupid jokes, but doesn’t want to admit he actually finds them funny). He’d force himself into a relationship he didn’t want all for Shouyou’s sake and he’d hurt himself, just to make him happy, to fake feelings he couldn’t feel.
Shouyou looks down at the sheet of sandpaper. He wouldn’t let Kenma (his soulmate) hurt himself. Not for him, because while Kenma may never love him back in the same way he loves him, it didn’t stop him from loving Kenma like this.
Maybe he was being hypocritical, after all he was about forcefully remove his soulmate’s name from his wrist.
He ignored his phone screen lighting up next to, doesn’t look at the caller ID, he knows who it is. He seems to know a lot about Kenma, maybe the most he knows about anything, even himself.
The call stops, only start again not a minute later, Shouyou ignores it again as he gets to work. All of Kenma’s call go unanswered, even as Shouyou breaks down when he’s finished and all he wants is to hear the other.
<><><><>
The first time Shouyou felt like he might know who his soulmate is was the fifth time he’d stayed the weekend at Kenma’s. His second year of high school was about to start and the two of them wanted to spend some time together since they knew they’d be busy at the beginning of the school year.
It was the first time Shouyou had managed to beat Kenma at any sort of racing game (he’s pretty sure Kenma still went easy on him but the other still denies it), he’d looked over to gloat only to see the other looking at him already.
Kenma had looked happy, but in this really relaxed way. Shouyou didn’t get to see him like this often. Didn’t get to see the way his shoulders relaxed, not to make himself smaller and less noticeable, or from exhaustion, but rather the opposite. Kenma also didn’t tie his hair up often either, using it as a curtain to block out the world from view.
But here he was, hair tied back, lounging back in the beanbag chair, not a hint of tension anywhere in his body and no sign of stress on his face.
There was also the way Kenma smiled at him that day, he had no other word to describe it aside from soft. And while he loves all of Kenma’s smiles, that one will always be Shouyou’s favorite.
He had turned back to the game then, goading him into another game to help distract him from the tingling feeling at his wrist.
<><><><>
They were sitting outside when they first talked about soulmates. The two teams were holding another practice match against the other and it was decided that they’d take a break before starting another game.
Shouyou had asked Kenma if he knew who his soulmate was (a part of Shouyou had been scared that the answer was yes, that Kenma knew they were soulmates, another part was scared that Kenma had a soulmate that wasn’t him). The other had shook his head then and had gotten this weird look on his face. Like it had almost physically hurt him to talk about.
He learnt that Kenma was aromantic, that he was scared of finding out who his soulmate was. Was scared that they’d love him romantically, and that they’d expect the same in return.
He explained that he did feel love, just not in that way. And Shouyou understood perfectly, he was someone who loved so many people in different ways. Loved his own friends as well. He was also someone who loved his soulmate, just not in a way that was reciprocated, or ever would be.
And because he loved his soulmate, he decided he would never tell him. Wouldn’t let him be afraid of Shouyou the way he just told him he was scared of his potential soulmate.
Shouyou’s heart broke as Kenma used him as an example of how he loved people in a way others didn’t think of. It broke slightly more when Shouyou smiled as wide as he could, bumped there shoulders together before saying he understood because he loved Kenma back (possibly the only time he’d ever have the courage to say those words to his face).
Kenma had collapsed against his back and draped his arms over his shoulder despite the sweat making it uncomfortable, and thanked Shouyou for understanding. Was relieved when he didn’t have to justify how he loved people.
All Shouyou could do was try not to break down crying and lie when Kenma asked if he knew who his soulmate was.
<><><><>
Oh god what have I done? It was the only thing he could think as he rummaged around the bathroom cabinets for whatever he’d need to bandage his wrist. It hadn’t taken long for the panic to settle in after he’d finished scratching Kenma’s name off.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. He bit down on his hand to stop sobs from breaking out, it did nothing for the tears or the shaking though.
He turned on the sink after who knows how long of searching the cabinets. The cold water stung as it hit, he scrubbed the blood away with his other hand, hoping that somehow, he hadn’t succeeded, hadn’t just destroyed the bond, no matter how one sided, it was stupid, he could have just kept his wrist covered! It had worked so far! So why had he done it?!
He barely registered the door, his mother was probably back prom picking Natsu up from her sleepover. He didn’t know how he was going to explain this her, just hoped that she sent Natsu off to bed before she found him. His sister shouldn’t have to see him look so pathetic.
He sunk down to his knees, gripping the sink he hadn’t bothered to turn off. He forehead thunked slightly as he collapsed forward (similar to how Kenma would collapse against him-), he knew he was hyperventilating, but he don’t care not when he couldn’t find it! Kenma’s name wasn’t here anymore.
He gave up trying to suppress his sobs then. His body was shaking uncontrollably, and his hands felt numb.
“Shouyou?”
No, there’s no way he’s here. The bathroom door was pushed open. When Shouyou finally managed to finally look up, Kenma was standing there in the doorway. He dropped the duffel bag he was holding and rushed forwards. Shouyou winced when the other hand slammed into the sink basin as his knees slammed into the tiles. Kenma didn’t even seem to register the pain he knew the other would have felt.
“Shouyou, what happened?” He wasn’t given much time to answer as his arm was grabbed near his elbow, another sob wracked his body at the same time as his hand was gently pried from the sink, Kenma being careful not to touch his wound.
He could hear the other gasp as he got a full look at his wrist, blood and water dripping from it. He was pulled into the others chest as Kenma started looking around the cabinets like he’d just been doing, he was apparently more successful at finding the disinfectant and bandages though.
Shouyou moved to grab them at the same time he tried to pull his arm free, he couldn’t let the other do this, Kenma didn’t deserve that.
“Let me help. We don’t need to talk, just let me help, please.” How could he say no to that.
They stayed on the bathroom floor as his wrist was cleaned and bandaged. Shouyou eventually stopped crying, even though he couldn’t stop shaking. They didn’t talk either. Not until Kenma was finished.
Shouyou just stared at Kenma, well more specifically his right wrist, where his own name was tattooed, revealed when the other had rolled his hoodie sleeves up. He closed his eyes and leaned back against his soulmate, the tears were flowing again.
Kenma had apparently realized what had happened when he saw Shouyou staring at his own name, then looked back at the bandage-covered wrist.
<><><><>
“Why?” It was midnight before they actually talked. His mother had gotten home not long after they’d cleaned up the bathroom, had said hi to them before disappearing to most likely pass out.
He’d forgotten Kenma was staying over, luckily his mother hadn’t and only asked if they ate (they hadn’t but neither were feeling particularly hungry).
Shouyou had spent the last few hours tracing over the letters of his name as they lay cuddled up on his bed. He thought that maybe the other was a bit scared to let him go.
“I didn’t want you to think you had to love me the same way…”
Warm breath ghosted over the back of his neck, the sound of the exhale slightly watery. “I’d have never thought you’d force me into anything.”
He could only nod his head, logically he knew that. He wasn’t quite thinking with logic at the time though.
“I can’t love you like that, but I do still love you, and I have for a while even if your name only appeared recently.” He sucked in a breath before continuing on, even quieter than before. “And if you’re ok with it… I’d, well. I’d be really happy if I could still call you my soulmate, and if you’d still call me yours.”
Another breath, this time something wet slid down the back of neck to accompany it, seems they both still had tears left.
“Only if you’re good with it, of course…”
“I’d like that.” Shouyou brought Kenma’s wrist up to his heart, like he’d done with his own just hours before.
They passed out clutching each other as tightly as possible. The next day Kenma was right beside when he told his mother what happened, and stayed with him through the doctor's appointment.
<><><><>
Shouyou hugged Kenma the moment the other had opened his door. “I’ve got something I want to show you.”
“The same thing you’d text or call me about at three in the morning?”
“Oh please, we both know you were always awake, you wouldn’t have picked up otherwise, soulmate privileges or not.” Shouyou awed at the house, while it was by no means a mansion it was still far better than anything he’d have been able to afford on his own.
Kenma snorted before leading him to the lounge, leaving briefly to get drinks and snacks.
“So what’s got you so excited that you had to tell me multiple times over the past three months about it but couldn’t actually show me until you could see me in person?”
Shouyou grinned as he removed the sweat band from his right wrist. Kenma’s eyes widened before softening out into something so compassionate he couldn’t describe.
“I found a tattoo artist in Brazil that specializes in soulmate tattoos, for people that are in accidents or other stuff. She agreed to tattooing your name even if she’d never done anything in Japanese before.”
Kenma traced his thumb over the name, just like Shouyou loved to do. That sat there for hours just talking, and in all that time neither could stop tracing each other's soul marks.