Archive of Our Own

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

Taking a nap. Face down in some case files. Which, while embarrassing, because he has a perfectly good couch a few feet over, is nothing new.

What’s new is the voice that’s doing the waking up.

It’s not his secretary Carmen, quietly calling his name, calmly letting him know that his next meeting is in less than 15 minutes.

The voice is anything but quiet, and there’s come amusement there, and that last ‘r’ is dropped, and ugh.

“Can I help you, Carisi?”

Rafael sits up, smoothing down his tie, and tries to appear dignified as he discreetly wipes the left corner of his mouth, after noticing a small drool stain on the witness statement that’s right under his nose.

Carisi is smirking. He noticed too. Rafael inwardly sighs.

“I’m here to help you, remember? I’m your one-man protective detail for the evening.”

Great.

“I thought I was getting Rollins tonight.”

“Yeah, well, she had a rough day, so I volunteered to cover for her. I hope you don’t mind.”

Carisi is smirking again. Lying through his teeth. Because he knows Rafael minds, and he doesn’t give a crap. He probably enjoys it, even. Sometimes Rafael thinks Carisi exists solely to annoy him.

“I do mind, actually, but I’ll live. Just have a seat and stay quiet and I’ll let you know when I’m ready to leave.”

The detective’s smirk fades as he nods and plops down on the couch, legs spread, fingers tapping on the leather, eyes roaming around the room, practically gawking, and could Carisi be more uncouth?

Rafael sighs, this time openly, and goes back to work. Or tries to, because he can’t for the life of him remember what he was working on. He’s probably still groggy from that impromptu nap.

He scans the documents laid out in front of him, and vaguely recalls a statutory case, vaguely recalls going through several witness statements to find any incongruities the detectives may have missed, to find something he can use during cross.

It’s not easy to concentrate. And not just because Carisi is proving to be very distracting, his finger-tapping now accompanied by knee-bouncing. Rafael wonders if the man can ever sit still.

No. Rafael can’t focus because this is the sixth consecutive night he has to tolerate the presence of a police detective in his office. This is the sixth night that ends with a police escort to his own home.

This is the sixth night since receiving that threatening letter. The sixth night since “You will die.” The sixth night since Olivia’s stern, “This is a credible threat, Rafael, and we’ll treat it as such.”

At least the first two nights Liv does the honors herself, claiming she doesn’t trust anyone else to do the job. Rafael knows she only does it to sweeten the pill, because he’s less likely to complain about her presence. Rafael proves her right by keeping quiet, even enjoying her company.

Amaro and Rollins fare worse. They alternate for the next 3 nights, and Rafael complains at them, and argues with them, and tries to get them to leave. That doesn’t last long. They both stare him down, their stares nearly identical, and Rafael knows it’s no use. He stops complaining and tries to manage.

Carisi? This is his first night, and Rafael almost hates to admit it, because it’s not like the detective is any more responsible for what’s happening, but Carisi will bear the brunt of it. Rafael is frustrated, wants to take it out on someone, and Carisi has such an annoyingly upbeat countenance, and he will pay the price.

Rafael is angry. He has no privacy now. He’s always surrounded by uniformed officers during the day, and there’s always a detective with him in his office after sundown. Rafael can’t take a single step without clearing it with Liv first, and he spends all his nights all alone in his apartment, because where can he go with two police cruisers shadowing him?

To Rafael’s dismay, the threat isn’t even being investigated by Manhattan SVU; they’re just protecting him, at Liv’s request. Because Liv knows that Rafael would hate to have a bunch of random new people suddenly brought into his life. Because the SVU detectives know him, at least. Also, because Liv doesn’t trust the uniformed officers with Rafael’s life.

That’s nice, Rafael supposes.

Carisi starts fidgeting. Rafael is glad. With any luck, Carisi will do or say something irritating, soon, and Rafael will have an excuse to chew him out.

“So, counselor, you really gotta do this now? It can’t wait?”

Finally.

“No, Carisi, it can’t.”

“Why not? You’re just going over witness statements. You could probably do that from home. Why not leave on time? I mean, you are under threat. Why not go to your place, where there’s squad cars stationed twenty-four seven?”

Rafael looks up.

“I’m sorry, Carisi, am I inconveniencing you? Are you finding this vexing? Are you mildly put off by the fact you have to wait here for a couple of hours? Trust me, you can’t possibly hate this any more than I do.

“I get some flimsy threat that’s most likely a prank, some aggressive letter that sounds like it was written by a prepubescent boy, and suddenly I have to put up with the likes of you? Invading my privacy, sprawling on my expensive furniture and gawking at the décor like you’ve never seen the inside of an office? And all this, with no end in sight?

“Well, I will put up with you, but I won’t let this affect my life. I refuse to change my schedule. You want to protect me, you do it from here. Because this is where I normally am. Until very late. You don’t like that? There’s the door.”

Carisi is staring.

“Whoa, first of all, the Sarge would kill me if I took off and left you with just the unis. Secondly, this is a legitimate threat. Don’t take it lightly. You and I both saw the letter, counselor. This guy has done his homework.

“Now, I’m sure they’ll get him, and it’ll probably be someone you put away, and he’ll go away again, for a very long time, and then you can have your life back, OK? But, until then, try to, I don’t know, hang in there.”

Carisi looks serious. Earnest. Carisi looks like he genuinely wants to comfort Rafael. Like he’s sorry for the inconvenience. Like he’s guilty over his own part in Rafael’s troubles, even though he’s only there to keep Rafael safe.

Huh.

“Also, I didn’t say I hated this. Way to project, Barba. I was just thinking out loud. Since you do hate this, why stay here any longer than you have to? Just let me escort you to your residence and you won’t have to spend any more time with me.”

That actually makes sense. Rafael can’t believe he didn’t think of it. He blames that nap that still has him bleary. Still, Rafael refuses to concede the point. He decides to bluff.

“How thoughtful of you, detective. Too thoughtful, actually. What’s the real reason you want to leave early?”

Carisi smiles.

“I may or may not have a date.”

Rafael rolls his eyes.

“Really? Then tell your date that you’ll have to reschedule, because you’ll be here a while. A death threat directed at a Manhattan ADA trumps the social life of a lowly SVU detective.”

“Something tells me he won’t agree with you on that one,” Carisi says, and then he stops smiling, his eyes widening.

‘He’. Carisi has a date with a man.

Huh.

And now Carisi is freaking out, probably because he just accidentally outed himself to the ADA who hates him.

Rafael isn’t that cruel. Nor does he hate Carisi, if he’s honest. He does relish any opportunity to mock Carisi, any excuse to make Carisi’s life miserable, because Carisi’s reactions are amusing, but Rafael won’t use this. He would never.

Nor will he be supportive, of course.

Normally he would be. On any other day, Rafael would offer a small encouraging remark, because he wants to be there for any queer young man who works in such a stereotypically macho environment. Out of solidarity, if nothing else.

But tonight? Tonight Rafael is crabby and annoyed and he will make it up to Carisi some other time.

“Well, let’s hope you can work things out. It’d be a shame to miss out on that all-you-can-eat buffet.”

Carisi grins. Rafael wonders if he knows that was meant to be an insult. Rafael wonders if Carisi simply doesn’t care. Rafael wonders what it must feel like to be that self-assured.

“Actually, he’s supposed to take me out t–”

“I didn’t ask, Carisi. Stay quiet. I still have work to do.”

That shuts Carisi up.

Rafael glances at him to see his reaction; Carisi is rolling his eyes. Rafael almost misses the early days, when Carisi would get upset and pout and scoff. Now he just seems amused by Rafael’s insults, and he even talks back.

Carisi’s retorts still need work, of course, but Rafael is all too happy to help him practice.

Rafael goes back to the witness statements as Carisi gets up. Rafael tries not to stare as Carisi takes off his coat, then his jacket, as Carisi undoes his waistcoat and starts rolling up his sleeves.

Rafael is only human.

Carisi is annoying, sure, but his lithe body and his tight pants and his long legs are hard to ignore.

Mad at himself for staring, for liking what he sees, Rafael turns to sarcasm.

“Making yourself comfortable, detective?”

Carisi chuckles. Annoyingly.

“Well, you did say we were gonna be here a while.”

“Then by all means, Carisi. Kick off your shoes. Relax. It’s not like you’re on the clock.”

“That’s rich coming from you, counselor. Considering I just walked in on you taking a nap.”

Rafael smirks, almost against his will. That retort is pretty decent. Carisi is improving already.

Carisi loosens up his tie too, but stops there, seemingly achieving his desired state of undress.

Rafael thinks Carisi could stand to lose a few more garments.

Carisi walks over to the bookcase. He glances at the titles, runs his slender fingers on the spine of each book. Excitedly, like he wants to touch them all, but softly, so he doesn’t damage them.

Rafael hates to admit it, but he finds Carisi’s gentle motions distracting.

Attractive, even.

Carisi goes through the entire bookcase, moving closer and closer, until he’s standing right next to Rafael. He picks out a volume on criminal law before settling back on the couch. Rafael is not surprised.

“Looking to get some studying done, detective?”

“Might as well. To pass the time. You know, since you’re so busy busting my chops. Sorry, I meant working.”

Cocky little bastard.

But he’s right. Rafael has spent the last fifteen minutes staring at Carisi and looking for reasons to mock him. Or excuses to talk to him. Sometimes Rafael thinks that’s the same thing.

Rafael focuses on his work, and Carisi does manage to stay quiet, for quite some time. Hours, probably.

A shot rings out.

Carisi jumps up like he’s been shot.

He hasn’t, but someone has.

That was a gunshot.

Rafael gets up instinctively, the urge to run staggeringly intense, but Carisi’s voice distracts him.

“Stay down, Barba!”

Rafael looks at Carisi, looks at Carisi taking his gun out of the holster, looks at Carisi stepping toward the door, until a second shot rings out and stops the detective in his tracks.

The second shot is a lot closer.

There’s no screaming.

Rafael expects screaming to follow the loud bangs but there’s nothing. There’s no one there, because it has to be late, it has to be almost midnight, maybe, and there’s probably no one in the building except the security guards, and Rafael, and Carisi.

Carisi locks the door, turns back, tries to get Rafael to sit down, but Rafael is frozen. This can’t be happening.

This is happening.

Carisi is standing next to Rafael, weapon drawn, telling him to get down, pushing him down by the shoulders, but Rafael’s body is practically locked.

Someone shoots through the door. Rafael thinks he can see the bullet whizzing past him, but it’s probably his imagination. Carisi starts shooting back, shooting at the door, shooting blind, and then stops to reload.

The shooter doesn’t need to reload.

A man enters Rafael’s office. Rafael doesn’t recognize him.

The man raises his weapon, aims at Rafael, fires.

Carisi pushes Rafael out of the way. Carisi pushes Rafael down, and Rafael falls to the floor, and Carisi is yelling something again, but it’s no use, because Carisi still hasn’t reloaded his gun, too busy trying to get Rafael to move, to take cover, and the man fires again.

Rafael can feel something heavy landing on his feet.

Carisi.

Carisi’s body.

Carisi isn’t moving. Rafael doesn’t look. Doesn’t check for a pulse. Doesn’t want to see.

The man moves closer, comes around Rafael’s desk.

Rafael feels something wet touching his calf. Seeping through his pant leg.

Carisi’s blood.

Rafael pulls away, crawls away, feels guilty for being disgusted. Carisi doesn’t deserve this.

The man looks down at Rafael, raises his gun again.

Rafael closes his eyes.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

Carisi is talking to him. Waking him up.

Carisi is alive.

Rafael looks up.

Carisi is alive and smirking.

Rafael feels exorbitantly relieved.

It was a dream. A nightmare.

Rafael doesn’t know why his nightmare would include Carisi’s death too, and not just his own, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that Rafael just had a bad dream, and it is a little embarrassing, but he’s under a lot of pressure, what with that damn death threat that’s turned his life upside down for almost a week now.

Carisi is looking at him funny.

Probably because Rafael hasn’t said a word; probably because Carisi has been in his office for a few minutes and Rafael hasn’t uttered a single insult.

Or because Rafael has a little drool on the left corner of his mouth.

Hopefully it’s the former.

“Can I help you, Carisi?”

Rafael says the words before he can even realize he’s doing it.

Carisi is smirking. Again.

Again?

“I’m here to help you, remember? I’m your one-man protective detail for the evening.”

Right. Because Rollins had a rough d…

No. Rafael is still confused. He had one of those very vivid, very life-like dreams and now he’s mixed that up with reality. It’s going to take him a few minutes until he’s fully aware of his surroundings, until he’s sure what’s real.

One thing Rafael is sure of is that Carisi is not supposed to be there.

“I thought I was getting Rollins tonight.”

“Yeah, well, she had a rough day, so I volunteered to cover for her. I hope you don’t mind.”

Rafael blinks as Carisi smirks again, clearly enjoying Rafael’s annoyance, clearly relishing in the fact he can annoy Rafael up close and personal for a whole evening.

This feels off.

Then again, what doesn’t? The entire week has felt off. Maybe Rafael’s dream was a little too prescient, but it’s not like he predicted anything wild. Carisi is covering for Rollins. What else is new.

As Rafael looks at Carisi, as he remembers the weight of the man landing on his feet, the jolt he got when Carisi – when dream Carisi pushed him out of harm’s way, he decides to be a little nicer this time around.

“I don’t mind, Carisi. Just have a seat, find something to occupy yourself with and I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

Carisi smiles as he sits on the couch, looks at Rafael with a grateful look on his face, like Rafael’s grudging, ‘I don’t mind spending a few hours in your presence,’ is some kind of glowing compliment.

Rafael shakes his head and turns to the documents scattered all over his desk.

It’s even harder to concentrate now. Rafael is still having trouble differentiating between his dream and reality, and he finds himself glancing at Carisi more than he should.

It’s almost as if Rafael wants to make sure that Carisi is alive, and OK, and annoying as ever, with his tapping fingers and his bouncing knees and his fidgeting.

“So, counselor, you really gotta do this now? It can’t wait?”

Rafael’s stomach feels weird.

Instead of getting less disoriented the longer he’s awake, Rafael feels like he’s getting more confused. The lines are blurring when they should be getting clearer. Carisi keeps saying the same things, the exact same things, and it throws Rafael off balance.

Rafael tries to change things up a little.

“It can’t wait, I need to get this done. I won’t be long.”

Carisi is looking at him funny again. Rafael is amused to realize it’s because he’s being too nice.

“Maybe you could take the files home, work from there. There’s squad cars stationed twenty-four seven outside your building, wouldn’t you feel safer?”

Rafael remembers his dream. Carisi had a date in his dream. With a man. Strange detail to include, but then it was a strange dream. Almost despite himself, Rafael decides to perform a little test.

“You’re worried about me being safe, detective? Or do you have somewhere to be?”

Carisi smiles. Carisi is always smiling.

“I’m actually not worried. You’ll be fine. They’ll get the guy. I’m sure it’s just someone you put away, which unfortunately means that the suspect pool is pretty huge, ‘cause you’re great at your job. So it might take a while, but they’ll get him. In the meantime, I’m here to make sure you stay safe.”

Rafael stares. Apparently real-life Carisi is just as determined to keep him safe as dream Carisi. And even more prone to kissing his ass.

“But you caught me. I do kinda have a date. So… Maybe you could help a guy out, let us all go home early?”

Carisi has a date. Just like in Rafael’s dream.

OK. Still within the realm of reason. Carisi has a date. Why wouldn’t he? That’s normal. Rafael wants to laugh at himself for being so unsettled, but the dream was very intense and very violent and he can’t help still feeling affected.

“Are you suggesting that I change my schedule to accommodate your social life, Carisi? What gave you the idea I would ever do that?”

Carisi cracks up.

“Fair enough, counselor. I’ll text him to let him kn… Um.”

Carisi has a date. With a man. Just like in Rafael’s dream.

OK. A little more specific, but still within reason. Rafael has long suspected that Carisi isn’t straight. He’s contemplated it, even, on occasion, sometimes late at night, so Rafael’s dream is not that bizarre.

Right?

Rafael decides, again, to be a little nicer to Carisi. Out of solidarity.

“You do that. Tell him that the life of a Manhattan ADA is worth more than your date night. If you’re lucky he’ll agree to reschedule. I don’t see why he wouldn’t.”

Carisi grins. Relieved at Rafael’s non-reaction, maybe even flattered by the compliment.

“I mean, he agreed to go out with you in the first place, so his taste is already suspect.”

Carisi cracks up again. Rafael is surprised by how easy it is to make Carisi laugh.

“Now, I really need to finish this. Like I said, I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

“OK, counselor. Take your time.”

It’s interesting to note that Carisi is even nicer to Rafael when Rafael is nice to him.

Huh.

Carisi stands up and starts taking his clothes off. First his coat, then his jacket, and this is the strangest case of déjà vu ever. Reliving a quasi-striptease by Sonny Carisi.

Also not bizarre, by the way. Rafael has eyes. He has noticed Carisi. It is somewhat odd that he would dream about Carisis’ brutal murder as opposed to something more fun, but the subconscious is a funny thing.

This death threat is really messing with Rafael.

This time Rafael doesn’t comment on Carisi’s little show. Also, Rafael is well aware that ‘this time’ is the only real one. It just feels like it’s the second time. He knows that’s not true.

Rafael tries not to watch as Carisi approaches the bookcase, as he steps closer to Rafael’s desk, as he picks out that same volume on criminal law.

Again, not bizarre. Rafael knows that Carisi is a law student, and a cop, of course, so it’s natural that dream Carisi would select a book on criminal law and not, say, corporate law. It is slightly bizarre that Rafael guessed the specific volume, but then it’s a very popular edition. It makes sense.

Right?

Rafael spends the next several minutes trying to interpret his dream. Carisi shows up in Rafael’s office, reveals he’s attracted to men, takes off some of his clothes, then gets killed. One of those things is not like the others.

Time passes quickly in companionable silence. Rafael is surprised that Carisi can stay quiet that long.

A shot rings out.

This has to be another dream. It has to be.

Right?

Except Carisi’s reaction feels pretty real. He gets up again, or for the first time, and he yells at Rafael to stay down, and another shot rings out.

The second shot is a lot closer.

Rafael knows it’s crazy, knows this is probably a dream, but he feels the urge to warn Carisi before it’s too late.

“The shooter. Carisi, the shooter is here.”

“I know, counselor, it’s fine. Stay down. I’ll handle it.”

Carisi is walking closer to the door again.

“No, Carisi, he’s going to shoot through the door. Don’t bother locking it. Just shoot him now, jus–”

But it is too late.

Carisi can’t lock the door anyway, doesn’t have time to, because the shooter is there. It’s the same man from Rafael’s dream.

Carisi is still looking at Rafael, because Rafael is still talking, Rafael is distracting him, and the man walks in and shoots Carisi in the side of the head.

Rafael can see the exact moment when Carisi’s bright eyes turn lifeless.

Rafael closes his eyes as he hears a splash. Carisi’s brain, probably, painting the wall.

Rafael hears footsteps.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

Again.

Carisi is talking to him, waking him up.

Carisi is alive.

Rafael looks up.

Carisi’s eyes are bright, and his skull is intact, and his hair isn’t matted with blood. It’s just smothered in hair gel, like always.

Carisi is OK.

Rafael, on the other hand, is not.

There are several possibilities as to what’s happening.

One, Rafael is still dreaming. He’s having the world’s worst nightmare-within-a-nightmare, and he’s still asleep, he only thinks he’s awake. In which case, he needs to try to wake up. Except he can’t. Because this doesn’t feel like a dream anymore.

Two, Rafael is losing his mind. He’s been under a lot of pressure lately, he’s been dealing with a lot of political bullshit at the DA’s office, and there are tensions within the squad and, fine, he’s been imbibing a little. Still, he doesn’t think any of that is enough to explain the mental anguish he’s currently suffering.

Three, Rafael is trapped in a time loop. He’s seen Groundhog Day, he knows how it works. He’s supposed to figure something out about his life, or maybe solve a mystery, and the loop will break. Maybe he’s supposed to figure out who the shooter is. There’s an idea. Maybe Rafael can try to solve the case. He didn’t know the man’s face the first time around, but now it’s etched in Rafael’s memory.

“Barba? Are you OK?”

Carisi.

Where does Carisi fit in all this? He’s smirking again, but his eyes show concern. Rafael can only imagine how freaked out he must seem. How he’s looking at Carisi, like he’s looking at a ghost.

He kind of is.

“I’m fine, detective. Can I help y…”

Not again.

“Never mind. I assume you’re here to drive me home? Because you volunteered to cover for Rollins? Well. Let’s go.”

Carisi is looking at Rafael like he suddenly grew two heads.

“Really? Rollins said you left around midnight when she took you home. I thought I was gonna be here all night.”

Rafael can hardly tell Carisi that he’s panicking because he had a bad dream, or two bad dreams, or because he’s having some type of supernatural experience, or because he’s losing his mind.

Rafael can hardly tell Carisi that he can’t stand to be in his office for one minute longer.

Rafael can hardly tell Carisi, ‘The wall behind you was just covered in your blood. I didn’t see it, but I heard it.’

Rafael just wants to go.

Rafael doesn’t know what time the man gets there, always too distracted by work to look at the clock, but he knows it’s at least two hours after Carisi arrives. If they leave immediately, they’ll miss the shooter.

Rafael knows that none of this makes sense. He knows. But what are his options? Wait until the same thing happens again or bolt.

Bolting it is.

“Guess it’s your lucky night, detective.”

Rafael really hopes that’s true.

Carisi nods, though he looks a little uncertain.

Rafael gets up and tries to put on his coat without appearing too frantic. As he’s picking up his briefcase, Rafael spares a moment to lament the fact Carisi won’t be taking any clothes off this time.

Carisi, fully clothed, opens the door for Rafael, lets him walk ahead, and Rafael knows it’s not out of politeness. Carisi can tell Rafael is not himself. It’s clear in the way Carisi is watching him closely. Keeping an eye on him. Rafael doesn’t mind.

On the way out, Rafael tells Carmen that she can leave too, immediately, tells her not to worry, tells her she can finish up tomorrow. If there is a tomorrow. He doesn’t say that last part.

Carisi smiles at her and says, “What’s up with the Grinch tonight?”

Carmen knows better than to laugh at her own boss as he’s standing right there, but her eyes are smiling back.

“Yeah, yeah, we all get to go home early. You’re welcome. And I assure you that it won’t happen again.”

Carisi chuckles as he puts a hand on Rafael’s back casually, unconsciously, to help Rafael along.

Rafael doesn’t mind that either.

Carisi pulls his hand back as soon as he realizes what he’s doing.

They walk through crowded corridors, and the closer they get to the exit the better Rafael feels. His office, the entire building, even, it all feels like a huge trap.

A trap Rafael is about to escape.

They’re almost at the elevator.

A shot rings out.

Rafael wants to cry.

It can’t be. It’s too early. It’s at least two hours early. It can’t be.

Another shot rings out, and then another, and another, and this is all wrong.

Carisi puts a hand on Rafael’s back again, except this time he’s not gentle. This time Carisi is rough, he’s pushing Rafael back around the corner, back where they came from, and he’s shielding Rafael with his body, and he’s radioing the cops stationed outside, for help, but help isn’t coming. Rafael knows that now.

Rafael walks briskly. Carisi never leaves his side.

Rafael knows they are about to die.

More shots ring out. There’s screaming, this time. It’s too early. There’s still too many people in the building. There are too many victims. Rafael feels personally responsible for their demise. He is the target.

Carisi keeps trying random office doors, keeps trying to find a place for Rafael to hide, but all the doors are locked and the shots keep coming, closer and closer.

Rafael is almost too emotionally drained to panic. This is the third time he’s going through this, and the first time he truly knows what’s coming, and it’s getting harder and harder to handle. Rafael just wants this to end.

They’re almost at Rafael’s office. They run into Carmen, who is just now rounding the corner. She looks petrified. She doesn’t know which way to run to.

Carisi finally draws his weapon.

“Barba, take Carmen and get inside. Lock the door and then hide under your desk, OK? I’ll hold him off.”

No you won’t, Rafael thinks.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Carisi says, and Rafael can tell he doesn’t believe it.

“Just go inside,” Carisi says, and Rafael wants to stay out there with him.

Carisi nudges Rafael, eyes wide but determined, always determined to protect him.

“Come with us, Carisi.”

“I gotta cut him off before he gets to you. Don’t worry. Go.”

Rafael wishes it could work like that.

Rafael turns the corner, Carmen right in front of him and Carisi right behind him, except Carisi is no longer behind him. There’s another shot, and it’s so close, it’s right there, right where Carisi used to be, and Carisi’s gone.

Carmen screams because they haven’t gotten to the door yet. She’s scrambling, but Rafael knows it’s no use so he’s barely moving.

Another shot rings out and Carmen drops dead, right in front of Rafael, one step from the door, her hand already reaching. Her blood smears the door handle.

The man is right behind him.

Rafael doesn’t turn around.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

Or in hell.

His office or hell. There’s barely any difference, now.

Carisi is looking at Rafael.

Rafael doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy to see the detective’s annoyingly youthful face. Carisi is way too young to die.

“Bad dream?” Carisi asks, smirking.

Normally Rafael would snarl at him for such insolence, but nothing about this is normal.

“Maybe.”

Carisi loses his smirk. He looks guilty. Probably because he wasn’t expecting his taunt to be accurate. Or maybe because he can tell Rafael is still upset.

“Oh. Well, it was just a dream. It’s OK.”

Carisi is smiling sympathetically, with kind eyes, and he looks awkward as ever as he attempts to comfort Rafael.

Rafael wants to laugh.

“I’m not seven years old, Carisi.”

Carisi is grinning now, and Rafael thinks he can see some color on the detective’s cheeks.

“No, I know. I mean it’s OK to be… Not to be presumptuous, but this is about the death threat, right? It’s OK to be affected by all this. The threat is legit. You and I both saw the letter. This guy has done his homework. But I’m sure they’ll get him, and it’ll probably be someone you put away, which unfortunately means that the suspect pool is pretty huge, ‘cause you’re great at your job.

“So it might take a while, but they’ll get him. Until then, try to, I don’t know, hang in there. I’ll keep you safe, OK counselor?”

Rafael stares at Carisi’s sweet face.

Carisi looks like he actually cares.

Huh.

“Thank you Carisi, that fills me with confidence.”

Carisi grins, all dimples.

“Always at your service.”

Rafael knows that. Knows that Carisi will sacrifice his own life, every time, to save Rafael’s. Rafael is not sure he’s worth it.

Rafael starts shuffling the papers laid out in front of him, pretends he’s working. He’s not sure there’s a point to any of this. He’s starting to accept the fact he’s trapped. He’s trapped in some sort of loop, and he’s doomed to repeat it.

Briefly, Rafael wonders if that first time was the only real one. If he died and all these repeated iterations of his death are his punishment for some sin.

But that’s too glib to accept. No. Rafael has to figure this out. There has to be a way out, and he’ll find it. There’s no point in panicking, or in being afraid. Rafael needs to use his brain, and come up with an answer.

Rafael starts with what he knows. Or what he thinks he knows.

This is a time loop.

It begins with Rafael waking up from a nap; with Carisi waking him up, actually.

It ends with Rafael’s death at the hands of a shooter. The same man who sent him that death threat.

Rafael can’t break the loop by leaving.

He’s not sure he can even leave. Leaving early means the shooter gets there early. And the shooter getting there early means more victims. More ADAs, more defense attorneys – and Rafael isn’t sure many people would miss those, but still – more cops, more criminals, more visitors, relatives, reporters. Carmen.

That’s not acceptable. At least at midnight the only victims will be Rafael himself, poor, naïve, heroic Carisi and the night security guard on Rafael’s floor, who’s probably that first shot. That’s not exactly acceptable either, but Rafael can see no other alternative.

Rafael has to stay. And he has to figure out another way to break the loop. He has at least a couple of hours in which to do that; he has until around midnight before the shooter gets there. He’ll make sure it’s enough.

Working is out of the question, of course. Rafael intends to spend the next few hours going through some of his old cases, going through the suspect list Carmen passed along to the police. The list that includes all the recently paroled or released ex-cons as well as the escaped convicts Rafael has put away.

Carisi said it. Or maybe he didn’t, maybe Rafael dreamt it. Still, the man is probably someone Rafael put away. The man’s face seems unfamiliar to Rafael, yes, but Rafael has put a lot of people in prison. Carisi said that too.

Also, the man is middle-aged. Rafael can’t be sure he would remember every single person he’s put away. Maybe the man was convicted decades ago and was just now paroled. Maybe one of the case files will jog Rafael’s memory.

The police are going through that same list, of course they are, but now that Rafael has a description of the man who killed him, who is trying to kill him, maybe he’ll have better luck figuring out a name.

“Detective, I just need to look into something. I’ll let you know when we can leave.”

Carisi nods.

Rafael gets up to retrieve the stack of case files corresponding to the names on the suspect list. Carmen put the box together impressively fast, when Rafael complained that he preferred hardcopies and couldn’t be bothered pulling up all those files on his computer. Carmen deserves a raise.

As Rafael walks to the box, Carisi takes a step toward his desk.

That’s right. Carisi wants to get to the criminal law volume that’s right behind Rafael. And he’s stepping back now, reluctant to invade Rafael’s personal space.

“Don’t mind me, Carisi. Go ahead. Find something to occupy yourself with. I just need that box over there.”

Carisi obligingly picks up the box and places it on Rafael’s desk with a smile.

“Occupy myself? So you’re gonna be a while?”

That’s right. Carisi’s date.

Rafael has a funny thought; maybe he can at least save Carisi. Maybe Rafael can just send Carisi away, tell him to ask a uniformed officer to cover his shift. Maybe Carisi can be spared. Maybe Carisi can go out and have a nice evening at a cheap restaurant with some strange man, while Rafael dies.

That’s not the funny part.

The funny part is that Rafael doesn’t want to do that.

The funnier part is that Rafael needs Carisi there. If Carisi leaves, Rafael will be alone, and he’s not sure he can handle that. Carisi is a very comforting distraction.

The funniest part? Rafael feels a pang of jealousy at the thought of Carisi getting home early, at the thought of Carisi getting all dressed up for another man. ‘Another’. As opposed to Carisi getting dressed up for Rafael, of course.

Rafael has noticed that Carisi’s outfits have gotten nicer, more expensive, more similar to his own, down to the waistcoats and the patterned shirts and the woven ties. Rafael half-expects to see Carisi in suspenders one of these days.

Carisi may or may not pull off the outfits better. Just on the basis of his physique, of course, because he lacks Rafael’s inherent sense of style.

Abruptly, Rafael realizes that if the time loop lasts forever, he’ll be doomed to wear the same outfit for all eternity. This makes him more upset than he cares to admit.

Rafael laughs at himself and gets back on track. He needs to try something different this time, and letting Carisi leave early seems like a solid idea. Maybe the loop resets when Rafael himself leaves early, but not when Carisi does. If that means letting Carisi go on a date with someone els… with someone, so be it.

“I will be a while, yes. But you don’t have to wait with me, Carisi. Why don’t you send in a uniformed officer? I’ll just be here, going over files. No need for an SVU detective to babysit me. I’m sure you have somewhere else you’d rather be.”

Carisi is still standing next to Rafael, fingers still grazing the books on his bookcase. Carisi is very tall. Rafael has to tilt his head pretty high to look into Carisi’s eyes. Carisi’s eyes are very blue.

“Well, I did kinda have a date, but I just cancelled it. I figured you’d keep me here all night.”

Rafael thinks he can see some color on Carisi’s cheeks again.

“Far be it from me to impede on your personal life, detective. Maybe you can call your date and tell them your schedule has cleared up.”

Carisi looks at Rafael cautiously. Probably picks up on the use of the word ‘them’. Carisi is insightful like that. He always notices things.

“Nah. I wasn’t really feeling it anyway. It was a first date and I cancelled on the guy to come babysit you. What does that say?”

Carisi doesn’t look freaked out this time. This time, Carisi doesn’t let it slip. He means to say it. He looks bold. Almost defiant. It’s a good look.

“Well, Carisi, maybe you can still go out and pick up some other guy.”

Carisi grins.

Carisi grins a lot when Rafael is nice to him. Rafael has a hard time not staring at his dimples.

“You know. Some other unfortunate soul with questionable taste.”

Carisi keeps grinning, undeterred by Rafael’s blatantly feigned insult. Carisi looks so smiley and so sweet and so young and so promising and it hurts to watch him die.

“That what you do, Barba?”

Carisi finally looks a little nervous after asking that. Nervous and hopeful, maybe. Probably all too eager to be sharing personal details with a Manhattan ADA.

Rafael finds that amusing. Which is why, instead of trying to solve the mystery at hand, he decides to indulge Carisi‘s questions.

“Pick up guys? I suppose. Though not like you do, I’m sure. There’s no cheap beer and Cheetos involved. I tend to woo them with good wine and fine dining.”

“Cheetos?” and now Carisi is laughing. “I’ll have you know I’m actually a great cook. I make a mean carbonara. Not what you’d call fine dining, but I’ve never had any complaints. Seriously though, Cheetos? You’ve got me all wrong, counselor.”

Rafael considers that as he looks at Carisi’s bright eyes. ‘You’ve got me all wrong’. Perhaps he does.

More to the point, perhaps Rafael is insane. He’s sitting there, idly chatting with Carisi about their dating habits, when he should be figuring out who’s trying to kill them. Who has succeeded in killing them twice already.

Oh well. At least when Rafael talks to Carisi his stomach doesn’t feel like it’s going to crawl out of his mouth. Maybe that’s why Rafael does it.

Carisi picks out the same book again and then he steps back, moves over to the couch. Before he sits down, Carisi starts taking off his clothes, again. Rafael watches him, again.

Except this time Rafael thinks Carisi might know he’s watching. This time, Carisi loosens up his tie too, undoes the top button of his shirt. It’s almost too distracting, but Rafael doesn’t mind.

Carisi looks good. It soothes Rafael, in a way. Glancing at Carisi on his couch, it gives him a sense of intimacy. Carisi is there. Rafael is not alone.

Rafael takes a deep breath and turns to the stack of files he pulled up. Starts separating them by race and gender, discarding all but the white males, in hopes of finding one that matches the man he saw.

As he’s thumbing through the folders, eyes scanning the pictures, Rafael finds himself getting nervous. As he looks at each face, he feels relief when he doesn’t recognize it. Rafael feels fear, he feels uneasy at the possibility that the next picture will be of the man who kills him.

There are a lot of pictures.

An hour goes by, and Rafael is still less than halfway through the pile. He needs a break. He figures he’ll talk to Carisi again. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Fleetingly, Rafael considers the possibility he’s getting too attached to Carisi. The intensity of the situation, he supposes. Close quarters, too. And Carisi’s smile, maybe.

“What are you reading?”

Carisi looks up, surprised. Understandably, because it’s not like Rafael has ever shown any interest in his studies, except to mock them.

“Getting bored, counselor? Bored enough to wanna chit-chat with me? Maybe you should call it a night.”

Rafael smiles despite himself. Carisi is perceptive. Maybe he can help.

As long as Rafael is smart about it. Rafael has the description of the shooter. If he can figure out a way to give that description to Carisi without sounding insane, maybe they’ll be able to get a name faster. Carisi is a cop. He has access to more resources.

“Actually, there is something I’ve been wanting to say.”

Carisi looks intrigued.

“I’ve been seeing a man, in the past few days.”

“Yeah? Who?” and oh God, Carisi thinks they’re gossiping. Maybe he’s not as smart as Rafael thinks. But then, Rafael’s phrasing could use some refining.

“I’m not talking about my love life, Carisi. I’ve been seeing this man around, a lot. I think he’s following me.”

Carisi sits up instantly.

“And you never told anybody? Come on, Barba, this isn’t a joke. You see something suspicious, you let us know instantly.”

Carisi looks mad.

Huh.

Rafael needs to play this right. Fortunately, Carisi is predictable. Rafael knows he would never dismiss a threat.

“Never mind, Carisi, it’s probably nothing.”

“No, no, tell me. Where did you see this man?”

Success.

“I saw him when I was picking up coffee, this morning, and yesterday. And maybe three days ago, too. I don’t recognize him, but I’ve handled a lot of cases over the years so that doesn’t mean much. All I know is that I had never seen him before and now I’ve seen him three times in four days. That, and he seems suspicious.”

That sounds plausible.

“OK, you got a description?”

Carisi writes everything down in his little notepad, and he looks so focused, and a little concerned, and Rafael feels grateful.

“Alright, I’ll call this in. It might help the detectives narrow down the list. If this really is the guy. I mean, maybe he’s just trying to pick you up. Maybe he just saw you and liked what he saw. Don’t assume the worst, counselor.”

Is Carisi flirting? At a time like this? How unprofessional. How endearing.

“Seriously, Carisi? Do you think this is the time for jokes?”

Carisi gets serious.

“No. Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood. I… I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s clear you’re pretty nervous. I figured I’d say something to cheer you up.”

Oh. Not flirting then. Rafael pretends he’s not disappointed.

“Look, Barba, like I said, this is a serious threat. It’s understandable for you to be worried. But I can’t afford to be. I’m a cop. And I’m here to protect you. I want you to know that. If I make a stupid joke, it doesn’t mean I’m not taking this seriously. Sorry if it came off like that.”

Rafael doesn’t think he has ever seen Carisi look so sincere. So determined.

Rafael likes it.

Huh.

Rafael nods, and Carisi smiles as he calls Benson, giving her the information so she can convey it to the detectives working the case.

It’s only been an hour. Maybe they’ll get a hit in time. After all, Rafael is only one man. A team of detectives will surely sort through the list faster.

“OK, the description’s in. Keep an eye out for the guy tomorrow morning, OK? Point him out as soon as you spot him. Maybe he’s scoping you out, trying to get your habits down so he can figure out the best time to attack. And he picked the right habit, by the way. You and coffee?”

Carisi smiles warmly.

A shot rings out.

Carisi’s smile fades.

Not again.

Only an hour in.

Rafael isn’t ready. He doesn’t want to watch Carisi die again.

“Stay down, Barba!”

Carisi heads for the door, but he doesn’t lock it this time. This time he walks out and Rafael can’t handle that, he just can’t.

“Carisi, wait. Don’t go.”

Carisi turns around and actually has the gall to smile.

He ushers Carmen inside.

Oh. He wasn’t leaving.

Another shot rings out.

The second shot is a lot closer.

Carisi is holding it together, but Rafael can tell he’s worried.

“You guys stay down, OK? We’ll get through this.”

No we won’t, Rafael thinks.

Someone screams for help. That’s right. It’s still early.

Carisi instinctively takes a step toward the door. Rafael grabs his forearm.

“Don’t go.”

Carisi smiles again, but then he pulls away. He draws his weapon and waits a few seconds. No more shots are heard.

Just screaming.

Carisi walks to the door, leans outside, tries to see if he can help the injured.

One moment he’s there, one moment he’s not.

Another shot rings out.

The bullet goes through Carisi’s chest. Through Carisi’s heart, Rafael thinks.

Carisi drops dead.

The back of his waistcoat has a red stain now, and the stain is getting bigger, and there’s a hole, too, and that’s a shame because that was a nice waistcoat, and because Carisi was a nice guy, and now his corpse is on the floor, keeping the door open like a doorstop.

The man has to step over Carisi to get to Rafael.

The man stomps on one of Carisi’s hands, breaks Carisi’s fingers. Rafael hears a hideous crunching sound. Feels it in his bones. Carisi doesn’t deserve this.

Carmen screams. Her scream is cut short by another shot.

Rafael doesn’t bother screaming. He just stares at Carisi’s mangled paw.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

He takes a deep breath and sits up, looks at Carisi, looks at Carisi’s hand.

Carisi is fine.

Rafael wishes he could say the same about himself and his mental faculties.

Four times. Four times now, Rafael has died.

He can only imagine how many will follow.

“Barba? Are you OK?”

Carisi is worried about him. As always.

“Yes, Carisi. I just woke up, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Carisi grins. Carisi is always grinning.

“Have I noticed? I’m the one who woke you up, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Rafael smirks. At least he can count on Carisi to sass him in every iteration of the time loop.

The loop.

Rafael has one more clue now.

He already knew that he can’t leave early, maybe he can’t leave at all. Now Rafael knows that he can’t contact outside people for help. Last time, he was going through the suspect list for over an hour and nothing happened. He gave Carisi a description of the shooter, and nothing happened.

But as soon as Carisi called Benson with the description?

Hell broke loose.

Rafael imagines he’ll have to figure this out on his own.

Or with Carisi’s help, as long as they don’t involve anyone else.

Rafael needs to get the suspect list again, he needs to do quick work of dismissing the names he already eliminated before, and then he can start going through the rest.

It’s almost impressive how Rafael is going at this methodically, like he’s preparing one of his closing arguments. It’s amazing what the human mind will get accustomed to.

An everlasting time loop that ends with your own death.

By the fifth reset, the only thing Rafael can feel is frustration. Over an hour’s worth of work, down the drain.

Rafael gets up to retrieve the box. Carisi is still looking at him curiously.

“Detective, I need to look into something. Have a seat, we’re going to be a while.”

Carisi frowns.

“You’re not gonna ask why I’m here?”

Rafael frowns as well. Is Carisi getting progressively dumber?

“To babysit me. Obviously. Because Rollins had something better to do, I’m guessing.”

Carisi grins again.

“No, well yeah, but I mean, you’re not gonna complain? That you get me instead of Rollins? That you’ll have to spend all this time alone with me?”

Oh.

That’s the only thing keeping me sane, Rafael thinks.

He can’t say that.

“I’m suffering in silence.”

Carisi snorts as he takes a seat on the couch. Rafael can see him eyeing that same criminal law volume that’s right behind Rafael, except Rafael has blocked access to it with the empty box he set on the floor.

“See something you like, Carisi? Go ahead.”

Carisi’s eyes are wide. Like he got caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.

Rafael frowns again. Carisi is too animated for his own good. He’s always making about five more expressions than is strictly necessary. Rafael never knows what half of those expressions mean.

“Would you like to pick out a book, to pass the time? Something on criminal law, maybe? Lord knows you could use the refresher.”

Carisi looks relieved. Or so Rafael thinks.

“Sure. Thanks.”

Carisi has walked all the way up to Rafael before he stops in his tracks.

“I mean thanks for letting me pick out a book, by the way. Not for insulting my legal knowledge.”

Rafael smirks again. Carisi is so easy. Throw in one compliment or one nice gesture and he gets caught up in it. He’s too grateful to receive it that he doesn’t even notice the accompanying insults until later.

Carisi is standing right over Rafael now, and he’s still in his coat. Rafael idly thinks he at least has something to look forward to. The one good thing about this time loop. Rafael gets to watch Carisi partially unclothe multiple times. Could be worse.

Of course Rafael also gets to watch Carisi get brutally murdered multiple times. That could not be any worse. That is one of the worst things Rafael has ever seen.

Rafael tries not to stare at Carisi too much, but he can’t help it. He just wants to see Carisi alive. He wants to see that cocky smirk and those bright eyes with those eye bags that should make Carisi look older but somehow they don’t. Carisi just looks like a college student who hasn’t slept for a week.

“What are you working on?”

Rafael looks up. Carisi is standing over his shoulder. He leans down, curious as ever, closer, his face right next to Rafael’s.

Carisi smells nice.

“Is that… That’s the suspect list, right? For the death threat? The guys you put away? The recent parolees and escapees?”

Why must Carisi be so nosey?

“Yes. I thought I’d look it over myself, see if anyone pops out.”

Carisi looks at Rafael. He looks apprehensive.

“Right. OK. Well, it’s a pretty big list. Want some help?”

Rafael doesn’t see why not. He just has to be extra vigilant, perhaps extra crafty, to ensure that Carisi doesn’t contact anyone on the outside. The ‘outside’ being reality, probably.

“Sure. Let’s just move these over to the couch. There’s more room.”

Carisi is staring.

“Today, Carisi.”

Carisi chuckles as he gets up and moves the sizeable stack of folders to the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Right. I’m sorry, it’s just, you said you could use my help and I had to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.”

Way ahead of you, Rafael thinks.

“There’s a first for everything, detective,” is what he actually says.

Grabbing the folder he was just perusing, Rafael gets up and walks over to the couch himself, sits next to Carisi, probably too close.

Carisi doesn’t seem to mind.

“Look, you’ll need to focus on white males, mid-forties to mid-fifties, bald, green eyes, anywhere between 5’10” and 6’1”, around 220 pounds. Set those folders aside and pass them over to me so I can take a look, see if I recognize him.”

“Wait, am I missing something, counselor? You got a description? Since when? Have you shared this information with the detectives working the case?”

Rafael wants to kick himself for slipping. It’s easy to get confused.

Rafael lies.

“What do you think, Carisi? Of course I have. I spoke to the lead detective. Just before you came in, actually.”

“You mean before your nap?”

Carisi is smirking.

Rafael smirks right back.

“Yes. Now, are you going to help me or what?”

“Of course I will. But you didn’t tell me where you got the description.”

Dammit.

Rafael lies again.

“I’ve been noticing a man, constantly popping up these past few days. I saw him when I was picking up coffee, this morning, and yesterday. And maybe three days ago, too. I think he’s following me.

“I don’t recognize him, but I’ve handled a lot of cases over the years so that doesn’t mean much. All I know is that I had never seen him before and now I’ve seen him three times in four days. That, and he seems suspicious.”

Carisi seems concerned, but not overly so.

“Right. You noticed a suspicious individual, you got a good look at the guy and then you gave his description to the other detectives. Good. Great. If it’s him, they’ll find him. They’re probably going through this list right now, checking for matching descriptions.”

If only.

“So there’s no reason for you to be going through the list too, is there, counselor? Don’t concern yourself with this. Just do your job, normally. They’ll get him. In the meantime, I’m here to make sure you stay safe.”

Rafael feels bad, because Carisi is only trying to be helpful, only trying to spare him the stress. Still, Rafael needs to go through the list, so he tries to guilt Carisi into helping. Because help is not coming. ‘They’ will not get the man. There is no ‘they’. Rafael isn’t sure anything outside this office even exists right now.

Except the shooter.

“Look, Carisi, I just want to see for myself. I’m sorry if I’m inconveniencing you, if you’d rather be somewhere else, but you’re just going to have to deal with it. I need to do this.”

Carisi does look guilty. Very guilty.

Almost as guilty as Rafael feels.

“No, no, I get it. For your peace of mind. Here, let me take half.”

Carisi reaches over, even closer to Rafael, and grabs what seems to be way more than half of the folders, as if that’s his way of apologizing; he sets them right in front of him, ready to get cracking.

But first, Carisi starts taking his clothes off.

Rafael is sitting right next to Carisi now, and he appreciates the different angle. The proximity does make it harder for Rafael to surreptitiously ogle Carisi as he removes his coat and jacket, as he undoes his waistcoat, as he sits back down, just as close if not closer, but Rafael still manages to remain undetected.

“And you’re not inconveniencing me, by the way. I’m happy to help. Whatever you need. That’s why I’m here.”

Carisi is looking down at the folders as he says this. Shuffling papers. Avoiding eye contact.

Rafael is touched. Carisi is kind, and helpful, and sweet, and alive, and Rafael wants to keep him that way.

“Thank you,” Rafael says. He doesn’t make eye contact either.

The minutes pass as Rafael and Carisi start going through the folders very efficiently. Carisi is making better time, probably because he’s still in school and he’s more accustomed to skimming. Rafael hates to admit it, but he’s lagging behind because he’s still hampered by fear. He doesn’t want to see the shooter’s face again. Not if he can help it.

Rafael really hopes the shooter’s picture is in Carisi’s pile.

After about an hour, Carisi starts looking at Rafael out of the corner of his eye, clearly working up the nerve to say something.

Rafael actually finds that welcome. He could use a break.

“Spit it out, Carisi.”

Carisi turns to look at him. Smiles kindly.

“I’m sorry about before. When I said there was no reason for you to do this. To go through the list. I know you don’t like the idea that your life is in somebody else’s hands. You wanna be in control. I get it.”

Rafael doesn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. He has lost all control. He doesn’t even know if he’s awake. If he’s sane. If he’s alive.

“I just didn’t wanna… I don’t want you to worry about this, you know? We’ve got people on it. It’s being handled. You just do your job. They’ll get him, and then you can have your life back, OK?

“Until then, try to, I don’t know, hang in there. Don’t… I mean, no offense, but I’ve seen you drinking a little more lately. Like, you were just taking a nap in the middle of the workday. Well, the middle of your workday. Dollars to donuts, you had a few right before. And… you always look stressed now. Don’t dwell on this.”

Rafael is weirdly comforted by Carisi’s pep talk, even though none of his encouraging words are accurate. It’s not being ‘handled’. ‘They’ won’t get ‘him’. Rafael won’t get his life back. Rafael will die.

The rest of Carisi’s little speech, though, the rest of it is on point. Rafael has been drinking, and he has been under stress. He just didn’t know Carisi had noticed.

And the fact Carisi doesn’t want him to worry? The fact Carisi wants Rafael to hang in there? That’s true too. It’s painfully obvious. Carisi wants him to be OK, for some reason.

Rafael is contemplating something crazy.

Of course, the concept of ‘crazy’ has changed for him. Significantly. Especially since the never-ending time loops mean that all this will be soon erased. Like it never happened. That makes Rafael a little more daring.

Maybe too daring.

As Rafael is looking at Carisi, sitting right next to him, as he’s looking at Carisi’s kind eyes and warm smile and those dimples, he has a very strong urge to do something he will most likely regret.

“Carisi, what if I told you this has all happened before?”

Carisi frowns.

“What do you mean?”

Carisi gives him an out. Rafael refuses to take it. To hell with it.

“This. Right now. You. In my office. Waiting for me to finish up, so you can drive me home. Even though it was supposed to be Rollins. Because you’re covering for her. Because she had a rough day.”

Carisi is still frowning.

“Yeah… When? What do you mean before? When did this happen before?”

“It has happened four times now. This is the fifth.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Five times, you have woken me up from my nap. The first four times, a shooter came through the door and shot you. Killed you. And then me. This is the fifth time. I don’t know when, we probably still have about an hour, if all goes well, but then a man will come in and kill us both. And then you’re going to wake me up again.”

Carisi is scoffing.

“Seriously? Here I am, trying to be nice to you, and you’re messing with me? Is this, what, some shitty Halloween prank?”

Rafael didn’t even realize. It’s Halloween.

Huh.

“Carisi, I realize this sounds crazy, but I’m telling you. This has already happened for me. There are small differences every time, but it always ends the same. You and I both die.”

“Right. A guy shoots us. The g… Wait, the guy we’re looking for? Did you have me go through all those folders as a joke? Seriously, Barba? Are you twelve?”

Rafael is determined to convince Carisi. What does he have to lose?

“You had a date tonight, detective. Which you just cancelled.”

Carisi is a little taken aback.

“Right. Did Rollins tell you? Is she in on this? Great. Pick on the new guy. I’ve been here for over a year now, you’re still on that?”

Rafael sighs. This is harder than he expected.

“You told me. Before. Your date, it was a first date. And you told me you weren’t really ‘feeling it’. You weren’t really into the guy.”

Carisi’s eyes go wide.

“…The guy?”

Of course. Rafael finally has something he can use.

“Rollins didn’t know that, did she? Your date, it was with a man.”

“You… Maybe you guessed it, that doesn’t…”

“You told me. Before. And you also told me that you make a mean carbonara.”

Carisi gapes. Then he starts shaking his head.

“Barba, seriously. You’re out of your mind.”

Rafael can’t argue with that.

“I know.”

Carisi sits back, mouth still hanging open, no doubt trying to figure out the best way to react.

“So… in your mind, a man comes in here and kills us?”

“If only it were just in my mind, Carisi. But yes.”

“And you don’t know when? Didn’t you check your watch the second time? Or the third?”

OK. Progress. Carisi is asking practical questions. He’s humoring Rafael, at the very least.

“It’s no use. It changes. He doesn’t always come in at the same time.”

“Right. So why not leave before he gets here? Let’s leave right now.”

“I already tried that. As soon as we get out of this door, he shows up. And if we leave early, if we leave now, there’s more people in the corridors, there’s more victims. At least the first time, it was just you and me. And the night security guard for this floor, I think. There’s a shot, before the man gets here. I think he kills the security guard first.”

Carisi no longer looks like he’s humoring Rafael. He looks serious.

“You really believe this.”

Rafael exhales.

“Yes. If that’s how you want to look at it, Carisi, then yes. I’m not saying it’s the truth, but I’m saying it’s what I believe to be true.”

“So… it’s like Groundhog day? And you’re Bill Murray? You know what, I can totally see that.”

Rafael smirks.

“OK, so what do we have to do to break the loop? Oh, find the guy. Find the man who sent you the letter. That’s why you’re going through the suspect list. Alright. Good. Let’s do that.”

Carisi pulls up his phone for a second, probably checks the time, and then starts legitimately going through folders, almost in a rush. Just in case the shooter shows up early. Eager to help a possibly psychotic ADA who thinks he’s stuck in time.

Fine, Carisi is probably still humoring Rafael, but at least he’s not dismissing this outright. If the roles were reversed, Rafael is sure he would have kicked Carisi out of his office in two minutes flat, and he’s being generous. Instead, Carisi is asking what do ‘we’ do to break the loop.

Before Rafael even has a chance to thank him, Carisi looks up from the folders.

“Wait. So I don’t stop the guy?”

He looks disappointed. Pouty, almost. It’s a good look. Rafael still hates seeing it on Carisi’s face. Carisi has nothing to be disappointed about. He always stands tall. He has to know that.

“You try your best, Carisi. Every time.”

“Oh.”

Carisi looks surprised. Less at what Rafael said, and more at Rafael’s face, probably.

Rafael knows he’s looking at Carisi a little too intently. He knows he must seem emotional, but he can’t stand the thought of Carisi feeling disappointed in himself. Carisi always dies for Rafael. Every time.

“Is that how I…?”

“How you die? Yes.”

Carisi pauses.

“Alright, Barba, I’ll bite. Let’s assume you’re not crazy. And let’s assume you’re not yanking my chain. How are you holding up? I mean, this has to be pretty hard for you to go through.”

Rafael almost breaks.

Rafael has kept it in, this entire time, and he’s watched Carisi die so many times, and he’s spent hours upon hours waiting for death himself, and this is the first time he’s said any of this out loud, and he’s not holding up well at all.

Rafael needs a hug. But even if he is crazy, he’s not that crazy.

“I’ve been better, Carisi.”

Carisi looks like he understands. He always does.

Carisi smiles.

“Maybe I’ll stop him this time.”

Maybe. Rafael doesn’t believe it, but he’s comforted all the same.

Rafael smiles back.

Carisi is the one looking intently now.

“So, I won’t remember any of this next time, right?”

“You won’t.”

“But you will?”

Rafael nods.

“Good,” Carisi says, and then he licks his lips.

‘Good’, and then Carisi leans in, closer than he ever has.

‘Good’, and then Carisi kisses Rafael.

It’s barely a kiss. It’s more of a smooch. Carisi gives him a peck, and they both keep their eyes open, for some reason, and then Carisi pulls away.

Barely.

Carisi pulls away, his breath still warm on Rafael’s lips, and his eyes so blue from so close, and he looks at Rafael. Hopeful.

Then he leans back in.

This time, Rafael leans in too.

This time, they close their eyes.

This time, it’s a kiss.

Carisi grabs Rafael’s shoulders, squeezes, and Carisi’s lips are soft, and he makes the sweetest sound when Rafael’s tongue brushes his own, and a small part of Rafael thinks that, out of all the crazy things that have happened to him lately, this is by far the craziest.

Rafael doesn’t mind. Rafael likes it. Rafael thinks that Carisi is a surprisingly good kisser. Or not so surprisingly. It’d be a shame to have lips like that and not know how to use them.

Rafael feels good. For once.

He knows it won’t last.

Carisi’s phone buzzes. To Rafael’s amusement, Carisi doesn’t instantly pull away to check it. He just kisses Rafael some more. Slowly. Deeply.

The phone buzzes again. Carisi slows down the kiss even more, pecks at Rafael’s mouth, several times, and Rafael lets him.

The phone keeps buzzing. Carisi finally pulls away, and he’s smiling so widely, and Rafael thinks it’s unfair that this happens while he’s stuck in a time loop. Or while he’s having a breakdown. Or while he’s dreaming.

Nothing that good happens in reality.

Carisi checks his phone and his smile gets even wider. Rafael is surprised that’s even possible.

“Great news, counselor! Or, Rafael. Um. Barba.”

Rafael doubts that but smiles all the same.

“They got a hit off your description. They ran it agains–”

No.

“You sent out the description?”

“Yeah. Just in case. I texted the lead detective. I thought they’d do better using the database. You’re kind of old school here with the hardcopies, and I don’t have access to the list ‘cause SVU isn’t working the case.”

Rafael starts to panic.

“I didn’t tell you that you could contact anyone else.”

Carisi frowns.

“What do you mean? We got a name. Doesn’t this solve it? Maybe we broke the loop. Maybe I’ll get to remember this too. That you made out with me.”

Carisi is grinning. He has no idea.

“You won’t,” Rafael says.

Carisi frowns.

“Why? Does that get him here faster? If I contact someone on the outside?”

Rafael wishes he could say no. Wishes Carisi didn’t have to find out.

A shot rings out.

Carisi jumps up like he’s been shot.

Not yet , Rafael thinks. But soon.

“Believe me now?” Rafael says, and his smile has to look at least a little deranged.

Carisi looks distraught.

“Does the shooter come in through the door? The windows? What kind of gun does he have?”

Rafael shakes his head.

“Come on, Barba, give me something.”

“He comes through the door. And he always shoots you first. It doesn’t matter where you stand or if you take cover. I don’t know about the gun. I’m sorry, Carisi.”

Rafael really is.

Sorry.

“OK, it’s OK. Listen, the name is–”

“Don’t tell me. I don’t know if this is allowed. I think I’m supposed to figure it out in here. No outside help. What if, next time, it all ends one second after I wake up? Because I’ll know the name? Because I’ll have gotten it in the wrong way? What if I’m trapped even worse?”

Sonny looks startled. He clearly hadn’t considered that scenario.

Rafael has considered a lot of scenarios.

A lot.

“OK. Then… The guy isn’t on the list. His last name is, though. Maybe that’ll help us figure it out next time. Now, what if you hide in your bathroom? Have I said that before?”

Carisi really does believe him. Rafael feels relief, for some reason.

“No, you haven’t.”

“Good. The door is pretty flimsy but at least you won’t be out in the open.”

That won’t help. But Rafael keeps that to himself.

Carisi draws his weapon, nods to the small door off to the side of Rafael’s office.

Rafael takes a step but stops. He wants to take one last look at Carisi. He doesn’t know why.

Maybe to remember Carisi alive. Maybe so Carisi’s lifeless eyes won’t be the last thing he sees. The first thing Rafael remembers when he wakes up again.

Carisi looks scared.

“Get inside, counselor. The sooner this ends, the sooner you can wake up again. Right? It’s going to be OK.”

Rafael wants to kiss Carisi again.

There’s no time.

Another shot rings out and Carisi shoves him toward the bathroom.

Rafael goes inside, locks the door, sits on the floor, closes his eyes.

Another shot.

Footsteps.

More shots.

Rafael thinks Carisi is shooting too. It sounds like it.

The shots stop.

Rafael hears a thud. He knows it’s Carisi’s body dropping to the floor. He knows it because his heart stops for a second.

Another shot.

Straight through the lock of the bathroom door.

The door handle rattles. The door handle rattles but the door won’t open. The door is jammed. Maybe Rafael will make it.

Rafael doesn’t want to make it.

This can’t be it. Carisi did get a name, yes, he solved the mystery, but this can’t be it. It can’t end like that. Not with Carisi dead. That’s not how it works.

The door opens.

Rafael is relieved to see the barrel of a gun. He looks down. The man’s shoes have blood on them. The man is tracking Carisi’s blood into the bathroom.

Rafael almost wants to touch it. To touch the bloody footprints. It’s all that’s left of Carisi now.

Rafael reaches for red.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

Carisi is looking at Rafael.

Alive. Smirking. Probably thinking it’s hilarious that he busted a Manhattan ADA taking a nap on the job.

Rafael wants to hug him. To touch him, at least.

To kiss him.

Rafael can’t do that.

For so many reasons.

Rafael can’t take much more of this. He knows that. He needs to be quick, and he needs to be efficient, and he needs to figure out that name.

He can’t.

All Rafael can think about is that kiss.

Carisi’s lips.

Soft. Warm.

Carisi’s eyes.

Carisi’s smile, after he pulled away.

That thud Carisi’s body made as it dropped to the floor.

This needs to end.

“Detective, you seem to have volunteered to babysit me for the evening, so you’re going to have to indulge me.”

Carisi looks intrigued.

“I need to look into something, and a second pair of eyes would make my job a lot easier.”

Carisi looks downright excited now.

“You want me to do some research for you? I’d love to! What’s it on?”

It’s almost upsetting how eager Carisi is.

“Not exactly, Carisi. It’s about my case. The letter. I want to look into something. It’s a longshot so I don’t want to bother the investigating detectives, but…”

“But you figured you can bother me, right? ‘Cause I got nothing better to do?”

Carisi is smirking again.

“Well, you figured right, counselor. What are you thinking?”

Rafael smiles. Carisi looks so different now. It’s strange.

“Look, the suspect list includes recent parolees and escaped convicts. People I’ve put away. What if that’s too narrow?”

“The letter did seem pretty specific, Barba. It went on and on about how you took away a life unfairly, how they were innocent, how they didn’t deserve it. That’s textbook wrongful conviction. Unless, what, you think it might be someone close to a convict? A family member, maybe?”

Carisi is smart.

“Exactly.”

“Well, wouldn’t that make our list useless? How are we supposed to figure out who this guy is? If we have to widen the scope of the search, look through a list of all the criminals you’ve put away, even those who are still incarcerated, that’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. That list has to be huge. Not to flatter you, but you’re kind of great at your job, counselor.”

Carisi may be too smart.

This didn’t occur to Rafael at all. How is he supposed to justify the fact they have to look through this specific list? Carisi said it, before, that the shooter’s name, the shooter’s last name, is on the list. How is Rafael supposed to explain that to… to Carisi?

Rafael’s brain hurts.

“I don’t think the list is useless, detective. It’s a start. Just because someone got released, it doesn’t mean their family still can’t hold a grudge.”

“Sure, but what are the odds? It’s much more likely that the guy is related to someone who’s still doing time.”

Damn Carisi’s use of logic. Rafael needs to deflect. Guilt-trip him again, probably.

“Look, Carisi, this is the list we have and that’s all I have to go on right now. I want to do something. I can’t just sit here and pretend–”

“OK, OK, I get it. Let’s go through it. We probably won’t get anything, but it can’t hurt.”

Carisi smiles. Carisi is always smiling. And he’s always doing Rafael’s bidding.

Now Rafael knows why. It’s not because Carisi is naïve, or because Carisi is a suck-up. It’s because Carisi has a soft spot for him.

Huh.

“Alright, counselor, what are we looking for? Fathers? Husbands? Brothers? I gotta tell you, I’m not sure how much I can help. You’d probably do better looking through these yourself. You could remember if any of these people had, like, intense relatives meddling during the trial. Maybe somebody has already approached you, or even threatened you before, or harassed you in some way.”

Rafael has to give credit to Carisi. Inwardly, of course. Carisi is looking at this from all the right angles. Rafael just needs to add the finishing touch.

“Yes, well, there’s another thing, Carisi. I’ve been noticing a man, constantly popping up these past few days. I saw him when I was picking up coffee, this morning, and yesterday. And maybe three days ago, too. I think he’s following me.”

“And you never told anybody? Come on, Barba, this isn’t a joke. You see something suspicious, you let us know instantly.”

Carisi remains incensed by Rafael’s perceived recklessness regarding his own personal safety.

It’s sweet.

“I wasn’t sure until today. Today, I’m fairly certain I saw a gun on him. And then I thought it best to alert the lead detective. I spoke to her, just before you came in, actually.”

Carisi is clearly taken aback by the mention of a gun, but he tries not to show it.

“You mean before your nap?”

Carisi’s jokes do not get funnier the second time around.

“Yes. Before my nap, which you rudely interrupted. Now, the man. He’s a white male, mid-forties to mid-fifties, bald, green eyes, anywhere between 5’10” and 6’1”, around 220 pounds.”

“Alright. That’s kind of distinctive. That’s something, I guess. How are we supposed to crosscheck that description with our list though? You only have the hardcopies here, and those only have pictures of the convicts, not their relatives. And I don’t have access to the list via the database. Your case is above my pay grade.”

Carisi smirks.

Rafael would smirk back, except he is stumped.

Carisi fares better.

“Wait, we got the names. It’ll take way longer, but I can just manually input the names to the database, check for relatives with violent priors. If this guy suddenly decided to stalk a Manhattan ADA, and he knows how to get an unregistered handgun, which I’m guessing his was, maybe he’s not an amateur, you know?”

Rafael regrets not asking for Carisi’s help earlier.

Way earlier.

Like, two deaths ago.

Carisi is good.

Not that Rafael wouldn’t have figured this out by himself. He’s just frazzled. By all the blood and the death and Carisi’s kiss, maybe.

“That’s a good idea, detective. Thank you.”

Carisi smiles.

“Like I said, we probably won’t get anything, but we can try. If it’ll give you some peace of mind. I’ll log in on your laptop, and you can use that. I’ll use my tablet, OK? I’ll show you how to use the database. That way we’ll get through the list faster.”

Rafael wants to hug Carisi again, this time chastely.

For the most part.

This feels good. This feels like progress. They’re getting somewhere.

“OK. Let’s just move these over to the couch, Carisi. There’s more room.”

Rafael grabs his laptop and moves to the coffee table, as Carisi grabs the box with the case folders.

Before he sits down, Carisi starts taking off his clothes, again. He takes his coat off, and his jacket, but his vest stays buttoned, his tie stays tight. Rafael supposes it’s because they’re working this time, and Carisi doesn’t feel it would be appropriate.

Rafael almost tells Carisi to make himself comfortable, and this time not sarcastically.

Carisi shows Rafael how to search for the names, and he still smells nice, and he still looks good, and Rafael should really be focusing more but it’s hard. He feels giddy because they’re almost there. They’ll definitely get the name. Rafael can almost taste victory.

Rafael can almost taste Carisi’s lips, too.

Carisi goes through the list, goes through name after name, very quickly, as Rafael tries to pretend he’s moving slower because he’s unfamiliar with the procedure.

In truth, Rafael is distracted with thoughts of Carisi.

It all makes sense now.

The random legal observations, which are actually attempts to impress Rafael.

The ass-kissing, which is actually a genuine display of admiration.

The sassy comebacks, which are actually a show of backbone.

The unnecessary compliments, which are actually words of support.

Rafael has spent all this time thinking Carisi is trying to undermine him, or butter him up, or that Carisi is just weirdly affable in general.

Rafael has spent the last few days scoffing at Carisi’s awkward attempts at reassurance, thinking Carisi is overstepping, because Rafael doesn’t need anyone’s reassurance, let alone Carisi’s.

Except he does.

Except Carisi just wants Rafael to feel better.

Carisi likes him. Is attracted to him.

Rafael doesn’t understand how he could have been so blind. Carisi has been practically throwing himself at Rafael, subtly enough that it hasn’t been unprofessional but blatantly enough that Rafael is kicking himself for missing it. Voluntarily blowing off a first date to spend your evening with a short-tempered ADA who hates your guts? Who does that?

Carisi does. But only because he has a reason.

And it looks like Carisi might also have something else.

A hit, maybe. He’s grabbing Rafael’s shoulder. He looks flabbergasted.

“Barba. I don’t know how this happened, but I think I found the guy.”

Can this be?

“Look. Bald, 215, 6 feet. Is this him?”

Rafael looks.

He can’t help his visceral reaction. He pulls back abruptly. Carisi touches his shoulder again, this time gently. Awkwardly, too.

Reassuringly.

“It’s him, right? It’s OK, counselor. Don’t worry. We’ll pick him up. It’s over.”

Rafael thinks it just might be.

“Who is he?” Rafael asks, because he needs to know.

Carisi fiddles with his tablet.

“He’s got two priors for assault. He’s the husband of an ex-con you put away for human trafficking. She was a working girl turned madam. Doesn’t look like a wrongful conviction to me. She just got paroled a month ago. She wasn’t even in prison that long, I don’t know why the guy would want reveng…

“Wait. She got pregnant while incarcerated, after a conjugal. She had a miscarriage a little before she got out, she got stabbed during a prison yard fight. That’s the innocent life this guy thinks you took away. That would explain the letter.”

Rafael marvels at how easy this is. He wasted so much time. But it doesn’t matter. It’s over.

“I just have to call this in, and he’ll–”

No. Carisi can’t call it in. That will trigger another reset.

Rafael has to stop this.

“No, wait, Carisi. Don’t call it in yet.”

“Why not?”

Rafael can’t say, ‘because that will reset the loop’. He can’t say, ‘because I think we did it, we solved it, and now we just have to wait’. He can’t say, ‘because if you do, then you and I will both die’.

Rafael can’t go through this again. He can’t watch Carisi die again.

He has to stall. He has to manipulate Carisi again, somehow. He has to take advantage of what he knows.

Rafael leans in. Carisi frowns in confusion but he doesn’t move away.

Rafael leans in and kisses Carisi.

It’s all he can think to do.

Rafael presses his lips against Carisi’s, and Rafael’s mouth is closed, which is really embarrassing, and his eyes are also closed, and he hopes Carisi’s are too.

Carisi stays completely motionless.

That’s a first.

Rafael pulls away a few seconds later. He sees that Carisi’s eyes are still closed, his lips still puckered.

Rafael smiles.

Carisi opens his eyes, looks surprised at first. But then he starts to smile too. He starts to grin, and Rafael likes that, likes looking at Carisi’s dimples.

Carisi leans back in, his grin now a cocky smirk.

“No offense, counselor, but that was a shitty first kiss.”

This wasn’t our first kiss, Rafael thinks.

He doesn’t say it.

Carisi kisses him again, and this time Rafael makes sure to open his mouth.

It really makes a difference.

Carisi gently licks at Rafael’s bottom lip, sucks on it, takes Rafael’s face in his hands, tilts Rafael’s head and deepens the kiss, and Rafael hopes, for the first time in a while.

Rafael hopes Carisi won’t forget this. Rafael hopes this one will stick.

As Carisi keeps kissing him, as Carisi pulls him closer, as their noses bump, Rafael hopes it’s over.

The kiss ends, unfortunately, and Carisi pulls away. His breath is warm. His eyes are blue. He’s smiling again.

This is how Rafael wants to remember him.

“Um. So. I… Now that we solved the case, and you won’t be needing a protective detail anymore, and you’ll get your life back, maybe I can take you out? To celebrate? Or I can just take you out. On a date. Would you like that?

“I mean, I’ve been wanting to make a move for over a year. Since I first met you. I just always thought you hated me. But you obviously don’t. At least I don’t think. So. Wanna go out with me, counselor?”

No, this is how Rafael wants to remember him.

Cute and rambling and eager and adorable and smiley and hopeful.

Rafael is hopeful too.

“Just let me text the Sarge with the guy’s name and then we can pick up where we left off, OK?”

Rafael is distracted by Sonny’s amusing attempt to be suave.

Rafael is distracted by Sonny’s smile.

Rafael is too distracted to stop him in time.

Carisi sends a text. He’s still smiling.

Rafael wants to scream.

A shot rings out.

Rafael wonders what would happen if he killed himself. If he went to the bathroom and smashed his head against the mirror until he couldn’t anymore.

Carisi grabs his knee. He looks scared.

Rafael is way past ‘scared’.

“Hide under your desk. I’ll go check this out.”

Rafael shakes his head. Knows there’s no point. He grabs Carisi’s forearm.

“Don’t go, Carisi. Stay here.”

Carisi looks torn, but he agrees. He always does.

“Still won’t call me Sonny, huh? Alright. It’s gonna be alright. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, counselor. Not now that we’re finally getting somewhere. Come on, get under the desk.”

Rafael can’t move.

Carisi draws his weapon and tries to smile. It looks wrong, when he’s not smiling for real.

“Come on, Barba. I’m telling you, no way I’m letting you die on me. Not before I get a piece of this, OK? Get down.”

Rafael wants to laugh.

He doesn’t.

He doesn’t get under the desk, either. He just stands behind it, awkwardly.

Carisi flips the coffee table, takes cover. It won’t do much good.

A shot comes through the door.

The man walks in.

Carisi fires his weapon.

Hits the shooter in the left shoulder.

Rafael hopes, again. They did solve the case. Maybe they did it. Maybe it won’t all happen again.

His hope is shortlived.

Carisi pulls the trigger again, but his gun jams. He pulls the trigger again, and again, and nothing happens.

Just some dull clicking sounds.

Rafael can see the panic on Carisi’s face. Rafael wants to close his eyes again. He doesn’t want to look. But he keeps them open. Rafael keeps his eyes open because Carisi turns to look at him, and Rafael doesn’t want to leave Carisi alone.

Carisi is looking right at Rafael.

The man shoots. Once. Twice. Carisi’s body jolts. Rattles. He almost folds in two.

Carisi is looking right at Rafael as he’s going down, blood staining his waistcoat.

Carisi is looking right at Rafael as he dies.

Rafael has tears in his eyes for some strange, stupid reason.

He doesn’t take cover.

Rafael stays standing, looking at Carisi’s messy hair, thinking it took a bullet for it to move out of place.

He hears another shot.

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

His eyes barely crack open, and he realizes he’s in his office.

He tries, very hard, not to react as he sees Carisi smiling at him, eyes teasing, one second away from making a joke about that damn nap Rafael wishes he never took.

Rafael is desperate.

Lost.

He doesn’t know what else to do.

They solved it. They solved the mystery. It should have all ended. Rafael has a name now.

This should not be happening.

Rafael thinks this will never end.

Rafael thinks he’s not supposed to stop it. He’s not supposed to end it. He’s supposed to live this out, again and again, forever. This really is his punishment for some sin. For being an asshole, maybe.

“Barba? Are you OK?”

At least Carisi is there with him. Always worried. Always eager to help.

Rafael wonders if Carisi is dead too. Like Rafael himself probably is. Did they both die, that first time? Is Carisi trapped in Rafael’s own personal hell?

For one shameful moment, Rafael thinks that a hell in which he gets to kiss Carisi for the first time ad infinitum can’t be that bad.

“Yes, Carisi. I just woke up, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Carisi grins. Carisi is always grinning.

“Have I noticed? I’m the one who woke you up, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

This.

This is comforting.

Rafael will spend eternity listening to Carisi’s dumb jokes, and asking about Carisi’s dating life, and watching Carisi partially unclothe, and relishing in Carisi’s pep talks, and kissing Carisi.

And nothing else.

Denial.

Rafael’s best friend.

“I thought I was getting Rollins tonight.”

“Yeah, well, she had a rough day, so I volunteered to cover for her. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind, Carisi. Just have a seat, find something to occupy yourself with and I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

Carisi smiles as he sits on the couch, looks at Rafael with a grateful look on his face.

Is it crazy that Rafael wants to say and do all the same things, so he can get the same reactions out of Carisi?

It probably is.

Rafael has given up.

Figuring out the name of the shooter didn’t break the loop. Just in case, Rafael decides to keep it to himself. Decides to leave Carisi out of it this time, since all his attempts to contact people on the outside have led to their early deaths.

Maybe Rafael can just wait it out this time. See what happens if he does nothing, now that he has the name.

Maybe Rafael will just spend the next few hours trying to get Carisi to kiss him.

That sounds fun.

Other than that, Rafael is out of ideas.

It does occur to Rafael that he doesn’t know what happens after he gets killed. Does reality shift, is that strand of time snipped? Or does it go on?

Maybe someone walks into his office. Maybe Benson does. Maybe she finds Rafael and Carisi’s bodies. Maybe she cries. Maybe she tries to solve the case.

Maybe this time she finds a letter, too, explaining everything.

That’s something. That’s a way to pass the time.

Rafael starts writing.

He fails to mention such foolishness as ‘I am trapped in a time loop’ or ‘I am most likely insane’ or ‘I am attracted to Sonny Carisi’, of course.

He just includes the shooter’s name and description, the wife’s name, the motive. He doesn’t say ‘shooter’, obviously. He just identifies the man as the person who sent him the death threat. He trusts that Benson will investigate, find proof, make it stick.

He makes it look like a plain message, like some notes he jotted down, notes he intended to pass along to Benson before his untimely demise.

He writes that he wouldn’t have figured it out if it weren’t for Carisi’s invaluable assistance. He thinks Carisi’s family will like hearing that. Maybe it will be of some comfort. Carisi’s always going on about his sisters.

“So, counselor, you really gotta do this now? It can’t wait?”

Rafael smiles.

“It can’t wait, I need to get this done. I won’t be long. I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

Carisi narrows his eyes.

“You are? Since when?”

New jokes.

Rafael changes his mind. He won’t keep saying the same things. He’ll try to change it up. This way he can get different reactions out of Carisi every time.

An eternity of new Carisi expressions to decipher. Rafael will never be bored again.

“I don’t know, Carisi. Since you look like you’d rather be anywhere but here?”

That’s a lie.

Carisi frowns.

“I think you’re projecting, counselor. I’m happy to be here.”

“Really? You’re happy to babysit me?”

Carisi smirks.

“Oh, OK. I misread you. I thought you just didn’t want me here, but you’re pissy ‘cause you need a babysitter in the first place. Alright. I get that. I won’t take it personally.”

“How insightful of you, detective. But you’re right. I’m mad at this predicament. Not at you. I don’t mind you.”

Carisi looks at Rafael for a second too long.

Carisi always does that. Rafael can’t believe he never noticed before.

“Of course you’re mad, Barba. How could you not be? But try not to dwell on it, alright? I mean, I’m sure they’ll get the guy, and it’ll probably be someone you put away, which unfortunately means that the suspect pool is pretty huge, ‘cause you’re great at your job.

“So it might take a while, but they’ll get him. And we’ll keep you safe until they do. After that, you can have your life back. But, until then, try to, I don’t know, hang in there.”

It looks like Carisi has that speech prepared. He says those words to Rafael, almost every time. Like he practiced them. Like he’s looking for an excuse, for an opening to be kind to Rafael. To be supportive. To say something real.

Rafael sighs. He could have had this. Carisi. For a year, now. If only he’d been nicer. If only he hadn’t shot down every single one of Carisi’s comments. If he had opened his eyes.

But then, Rafael didn’t want Carisi. Before.

Rafael didn’t know Carisi before. He never bothered.

Rafael regrets so many things.

At least he can be nice now.

“I appreciate that, detective. I’ll try. Thank you.”

Rafael is pretty sure Carisi is blushing.

It looks good on him.

Rafael finishes up the letter.

Now what?

Now Rafael does the exact opposite of what Carisi said.

He dwells on it.

He reconsiders the facts.

Last time, the sixth time, Carisi managed to shoot the man. Once. Wounded him.

The time before that, Rafael’s bathroom door jammed. Delayed his death for a few seconds.

Why?

It can’t be the name. If that were enough, the sixth time would have been the last. So what if Carisi called it in? He and Rafael were the ones who figured out the name. The loop should have broken right then and there, as soon as Carisi solved the case.

It has to be something else.

Rafael is desperate enough to consider anything.

So he does.

Carisi.

Carisi is the only constant.

Carisi is there for a reason.

Sure, that reason may be to further torture Rafael, to show him what he can’t have, to give something good to him and then snatch it right back.

Or there’s another reason.

Rafael knows it’s ridiculous, but the whole thing is ridiculous and he has to consider every single possibility.

The kisses.

The fifth time, when the door jammed, Carisi kissed Rafael. Thinking the memory would be erased.

The sixth time, when the shooter was wounded, Rafael kissed Carisi. Trying to distract him.

What if that’s it? Doesn’t Bill Murray get with Andie MacDowell at the end of Groundhog Day?

Rafael chuckles. He still has a little sanity left to lose, apparently.

“What’s so funny, counselor?”

Carisi. Always curious. Always observing Rafael.

Rafael notices Carisi hasn’t taken off any of his clothes yet. Rafael hopes that’s still to come.

“None of your business, detective.”

Carisi smiles.

Rafael smiles back.

That can’t be it, can it?

But then, it would be a fun theory to test out.

What if Rafael kisses Carisi again? What if they do more? It was practically Carisi’s dying wish. He said it. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Rafael before he ‘got a piece of this’.

What if Rafael does give Carisi a piece of this?

What can that achieve?

One kiss bought Rafael a few seconds, with the door jam.

A deeper kiss bought Rafael a few more seconds, plus a bullet wound to the shooter.

Making out should buy him at least a few minutes, right?

How about sex? Maybe that buys him, like, one full magazine, emptied on the shooter.

Rafael is desperate.

He already said that.

He doesn’t know what else to do.

He already said that too.

“How come you volunteered to babysit me tonight, Carisi? Don’t you have anything better to do?”

Carisi looks up, surprised.

Surprised that Rafael bothered to ask him a personal question, most likely.

Rafael regrets so many things.

“Um, well, I did kind of have a date, but I just cancelled it. I figured you’d keep me here all night.”

“Sorry to hear that, detective. It seems I’m not the only one who has reason to be mad.”

Carisi is looking at him funny. Rafael is probably being suspiciously nice.

“Nah, I’m not mad. I wasn’t really feeling it anyway. It was a first date and I cancelled to come babysit you. What does that say?”

Dammit.

This time Carisi is careful with his pronouns, or lack thereof. Rafael rushed into the question. Carisi isn’t comfortable enough to open up yet.

Rafael decides to open up first, this time.

“A first date? I haven’t had one of those in forever. How does one even get a first date? Usually I just meet guys at legal networking events. Which are just as fun as they sound.”

Carisi looks even more surprised now. And also a little intrigued.

“Oh. Yeah, I’ve been to some of those, the ones that are for law students too. Never picked up any guys there, though. Guess I’m missing out.”

A smirk.

Progress.

Rafael doesn’t want to be too forward. He doesn’t want to rush into this, spook Carisi. He dials it down.

“How’s that going, by the way? Law school, I mean. Not picking up guys.”

OK, so Rafael doesn’t quite dial it down.

“Both of those things are going fine, counselor, thank you very much.”

This time it’s Rafael who does the smirking.

“I’m sure they are.”

Carisi smiles. Notices the compliment, no doubt.

“Uh, counselor, since we’re sitting here shooting the breeze, I think it’s safe to say you’re done with work for the night. Don’t you wanna head home? There’s squad cars stationed there twenty-four seven, so it’s the safest place you could be. Plus, it has the added benefit of being Carisi-free.”

Carisi is grinning.

Carisi is testing the waters.

“That’s not much of a benefit, Carisi. If I’m honest, I’m not really looking forward to my empty apartment right now.”

There.

Carisi’s grin fades. He looks concerned. Like he wants to help. He always wants to help.

“Right. I get that. Well, ask away. Like I said, I no longer have plans for the evening, thanks to you. I’m all yours.”

Rafael thinks that’s the truest thing Carisi has said all night.

“Want a drink, detective?”

Carisi’s grin is back in full force.

“Sure. But just one. I can’t get drunk. I gotta protect you, in case anything happens.”

Rafael has already opened his drawer but that gives him pause. Carisi always wants to protect him. And something is about to happen. Again and again. Rafael tries not to feel dismayed. It’s not easy.

He looks at Carisi’s grin and it gets a little easier.

“I wasn’t offering to get you drunk, Carisi. Not off this scotch, anyway. I’m probably wasting it on you.”

Carisi rolls his eyes but looks on a little too curiously as Rafael pulls a bottle and two tumblers out of the bottom left desk drawer.

“Whoa, that’s from your own personal stash? Not the stuff you give out to the guests? I’m flattered, Barba.”

Rafael doesn’t say that his bottle will be replenished as soon as the loop restarts, so it’s no sacrifice.

“You should be.”

Carisi looks at Rafael like he’s trying to figure out what the catch is. Why Rafael is being so hospitable. He can try but he will never guess.

“Let’s go over to the couch. I’m sick of sitting at this desk.”

Carisi seems surprised, again, but goes with it. Gets up, eagerly grabs the tumblers. Rafael almost feels guilty, almost feels like he’s taking advantage. Isn’t he?

There is not one part of this that is OK.

Rafael decides he should give himself something to be really guilty about, and he takes off his jacket as he walks over to the sofa. He unbuttons his own waistcoat, loosens his own tie. Hopes Carisi will follow his example.

Carisi gapes, just for a second. Closes his mouth, looks away, probably hopes Rafael doesn’t notice.

Rafael notices. Looks at him. Carisi knows he’s been busted.

“Making yourself comfortable, counselor?”

Carisi makes a joke to cover his ogling. The roles are reversed. Rafael would find this amusing, but he doesn’t find much amusing anymore.

“Might as well, no?”

Carisi nods and hesitantly takes off his own coat, his jacket. He keeps the waistcoat buttoned up, though. Rafael is almost disappointed. He’s more disappointed that he can’t properly admire Carisi, since they’re sitting so close and it would be too obvious.

Instead, Rafael busies himself with pouring their drinks.

Rafael thinks of making a toast, thinks that neither he nor Carisi will have a future, thinks it’s futile if not downright cruel to toast to some imaginary happiness that will never come.

Rafael unceremoniously takes a sip.

Carisi does too. Moans at the flavor.

It’s a nice sound.

“Ever think about dying, Carisi?”

Carisi’s eyes go wide, just for a second.

“You gotta. In this line of work. Why do you ask? Is it because of the death threat? You shouldn’t worry about that. We’ve got people on it. It’s being handled.”

Carisi is always trying to reassure Rafael. It’s sweet.

“Wait a minute, Barba, is this why you’re being nice to me?”

Carisi is laughing. Rafael wishes he could laugh too.

“I mean, that explains it. What, that letter has you all shook up? And you’re thinking about life and death, reconsidering your choices? And you’ve decided to turn your life around, and you thought you’d start by not being a dick to me? You know what, I don’t care why you’re being nice. I’ll take it.”

Rafael doesn’t think Carisi knows just how right he is.

It’s funny, but Carisi doesn’t sound like he’s attracted to Rafael. He sounds like a friend. He sounds like someone Rafael wouldn’t mind spending eternity with. Casually lounging on a leather couch, having drinks. Exchanging snappy retorts and trading insults and sharing kind words.

‘Sharing’ kind words. Not really. Carisi is the only one with kind words to say.

Rafael smiles at him.

Carisi blushes. He may not sound like he’s attracted to Rafael, but he looks it.

“You’re not wrong, Carisi. I’ve had people threaten me before, in the heat of the moment. But nothing like this. This… feel real. Serious. Maybe it has gotten me a little stressed.”

Carisi frowns. He’s always frowning when Rafael looks sad.

“I told you, counselor, don’t worry. We’re not gonna let anything happen to you.”

We.

“And, I know it’s probably strange for me to say this as I’m enjoying your fine scotch, but I’ve seen you drinking a little more lately. Like, you were just taking a nap in the middle of the workday. Well, the middle of your workday. Dollars to donuts, you had a few right before. And… you always look stressed now. Don’t be.”

Rafael thinks maybe Carisi has practiced this speech too.

“That’s easier said than done, detective.”

Carisi nods.

“I know. You were already stressed out, before this. Political pressures and the like, I’m guessing. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. But, come on, Barba, I don’t think there’s much you can’t handle, is there?”

A kind smile.

Before this, Rafael would probably agree. Now? Now he knows there are several things he can’t handle.

Being powerless.

Feeling trapped.

Thinking that the rest of his life will be spent inside four walls, as he waits for death.

For many deaths.

Watching Carisi die, over and over.

But Rafael can’t say that.

“This hasn’t exactly been the best year for me. And this death threat certainly isn’t helping.”

“Yeah, right. Be honest, counselor. You just don’t like having us all up in your business. The Sarge wanted us to be your protective detail, ‘cause we know you, ‘cause you’d probably hate it if you had a bunch of new people meddling in your life.

“But you can’t live your life with us around, can you? I bet you wanna, like, go on yachts and vacations and the opera and do all that fancy stuff you normally do, but you just stick to your office and your apartment ‘cause you don’t want us cramping your style.”

Another kind smile.

Another attempt to cheer Rafael up.

Rafael can’t believe he never realized how damn nice Carisi is.

“Well, Carisi, now I want to take a vacation just so I can watch you try to board a yacht.”

Carisi grins, happy his digression worked, maybe. It didn’t, not really.

“I’m a land animal, counselor. Never gonna happen.”

It’s never going to happen. A lot of things are never going to happen.

“It doesn’t matter. I haven’t been on a yacht in a while, anyway. My office and my apartment, that’s pretty much been my life lately. Not much of a life to threaten, huh?”

Carisi is frowning again.

“Don’t say that.”

But Rafael started, and now he can’t stop. Forget trying to make out with Carisi. Forget trying to enjoy a single moment before it all goes to hell. Before Rafael goes to hell, probably.

Rafael wants to vent. To let it out.

“No, but what you said before, about me reconsidering my life. It’s true. Nothing like almost losing your life to make you reevaluate your priorities.”

“You didn’t almost lose your life, Barba. Come on. It’s just a letter.”

That’s true. Rafael didn’t almost lose his life.

Rafael has lost his life, six times already.

“You know it’s not just a letter, Carisi. You wouldn’t be here if it was. You were joking about it, but what if I’m scared? What if I’m afraid this is going to be it?”

Carisi looks guilty.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I didn’t think you were really scared. I’m sorry. It’s OK to be scared, though. To be affected by this. Yeah, the death threat is legit. But they’ll get the guy. And then everything is gonna get back to normal.”

Nothing will ever be normal again. Rafael is sure of it.

“What if a man walked in here right now? What if a man walked in here and killed me?”

“I wouldn’t let him.”

Carisi looks so sure.

It’s sad.

“What would I leave behind?”

“What do you mean? You have a legacy here, you’ve helped so many p–”

“Who would I leave behind? I don’t have anybody, Carisi.”

Carisi deflates. This isn’t something a pep talk can fix.

Nothing can fix this.

Rafael only realizes as he says it. His life is over. He’s been so focused on breaking the loop, and only now that he knows he’s trapped forever does he realize the implication. He’s alone. His whole life, barely lived. Nothing to show for it. No one to show for it.

“If I died right now, who would miss me?”

No one. No one would. His mom, sure, but that doesn’t count. She’s practically obligated to miss him. Maybe Carisi would lament the missed opportunity for some great sex. Maybe Olivia would feel sad that Noah won’t get t–

“Look, counselor, I get that you’re feeling a little down, and the scotch probably isn’t helping, but come on. A lot of people would miss you. The Sarge practically told me she’d shoot me if I let anything happen to you. She’d miss you. Rollins would, too. Fin, maybe. Hell, I’d miss you.”

Carisi is smiling a friendly, goofy smile.

Rafael hates it. It’s not helping. Rafael doesn’t want jokes now, he doesn’t want cheering up. He wants to whine. He wants to bemoan his tragic fate. He wants to regret his solitude.

“I don’t mean it like that, Sonny.”

Carisi, Sonny, narrows his eyes for a second. Rafael slipped. This Carisi hasn’t asked to be called Sonny yet. That was before.

Sonny, it’s Sonny now, it’s ridiculous to keep calling him Carisi; Sonny exhales.

“Maybe I do. Mean it like that.”

“Like what?” Rafael asks.

“Like, I’ve been in love with you for a year. Like that.”

Sonny looks nervous. Hesitant.

He slowly leans in. He moves closer and Rafael doesn’t move away.

Rafael doesn’t move at all. Rafael’s heart is pounding, because ‘in love’? Nobody said anything about love.

Sonny looks bolstered, probably by the wistful expression on Rafael’s face. That, or by the fact Rafael hasn’t started laughing.

Sonny kisses him.

In love.

This is their first kiss.

It shouldn’t feel like it, because they have kissed twice before, but it does. This is the first time Rafael is kissing this Sonny. This is the first time they kiss on purpose, neither of them getting caught by surprise.

Rafael takes comfort in the fact their kisses feel different every time. Rafael has a lot of first kisses to look forward to.

That doesn’t exactly make him feel better.

Sonny’s kiss does, a little.

Sonny’s lips are soft.

This time, it’s Rafael who takes Sonny’s face in his hands. Sonny smiles into the kiss. Rafael finds it hard to smile. He knows none of this matters. It will all be erased.

At least Rafael will remember.

Sonny pulls away, and he looks so happy. So hopeful.

Rafael hopes for nothing.

“In love?” Rafael asks. He knows that can’t be true.

“Yes,” Sonny answers, and he looks like he means it.

Rafael still doesn’t believe it. No one has said that to Rafael in years. Many years.

“Why? Because I always mock you? Because I make fun of you for going to night school? Because I don’t let you say more than one sentence before I shut you down? Because I only ever compliment you grudgingly, even though you’re a good detective, and a good person, and you deserve to hear that from somebody who isn’t an asshole about it?”

Sonny grins.

“I never said I had good taste, counselor.”

Rafael laughs. Genuinely.

“And, come on, you’re not that bad. You always admit it when I’m right. And I like that you do it grudgingly, ‘cause that means I must have said something really smart, otherwise you’d never give me a compliment.

“And, yeah, you do shut me down, ‘cause I wanna impress you, and I try too hard, and it always comes off like I’m sucking up to you or I’m antagonizing you or I’m telling you how to do your job or like I’m just saying something dumb. I don’t blame you.

“But you don’t shut me down all the time. You let me talk to you when you’re nervous. That’s the only time you let me talk, like right now, when you’re worried about something and you don’t have the energy to tell me to shut up.

“Except I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s ‘cause I make you feel better. I think you need someone to do that for you. I wanna do that for you.

“I see all this stuff wearing you down, I see you drinking, and popping pain killers for your headaches or taking meds for your stomach, I see you clenching your fists, and hunching over your desk, and frowning so hard I’m pretty sure one of those days your face will stay that way. And I wanna make you feel better.

“No offense, counselor, but this sad sack isn’t the asshole I fell in love with. You’re supposed to strut your stuff and puff out your chest and not give a shit about anything or anyone.”

I’m not really that guy, Rafael thinks. I was never that guy.

Sonny is in love with the idea of him. Sonny is in love with the Rafael Barba he’s built up in his head. Of course. Sonny doesn’t really know him.

“Or at least act like it,” and Sonny is grinning, and Sonny does know him, and Sonny is in love with him.

Sonny is right. Rafael always lets him ramble on. After a hard case, sometimes even during a hard case, Sonny always tries to get Rafael alone. Sonny always follows Rafael down a corridor, or corners Rafael somewhere, or ‘accidentally’ gets on an elevator with Rafael, and then he says something totally unnecessary and completely supportive.

And Rafael always lets him.

Even now, the only thing Rafael does to alleviate his panic is let Sonny talk his ear off. Sonny’s idle musings and little jokes and sweet smiles are the only distraction that actually works.

Even now, as Rafael faces the hardest thing he has ever had to endure, the way he chooses to cope is by flirting with Sonny.

Rafael is blind. Stupid.

“Look, counselor, I know I don’t have much to offer you, but I’m fun. And you could use some fun.”

Fun.

Rafael kisses Sonny first, this time.

Rafael vows that, this time, Sonny will die happy.

As will Rafael himself. Because he’s pretty sure that this fluttery, excited feeling low in his stomach, that one beat his heart skips every few seconds, Rafael is pretty sure that’s happiness.

Or something close to it.

Better late than never.

Sonny puts a hand on his neck.

Sonny’s fingers are cold.

I have watched this man die for me 6 times, Rafael thinks.

He doesn’t mean to, but he gets desperate. He tries to play it cool, but he gets frantic instead.

Rafael grabs Sonny by the shoulders, kisses him again. Deeply. Breathlessly. Pushes him against the back of the couch, puts a thigh over Sonny’s bony knees.

It’s hard to hold back.

Sonny is surprised. Rafael can tell, because he hardly moves. Because he lets out a startled little sound.

Rafael doesn’t blame him. From Sonny’s perspective, Rafael is just feeling a little blue, and needs some cheering up in the form of a few lazy, gentle kisses. From Rafael’s perspective, they’re both about to die.

There’s no telling how much time they have left.

Rafael is determined to make every second count.

He keeps kissing Sonny like there’s no tomorrow. There won’t be, but Sonny doesn’t need to know that.

Sonny finally starts moving. His hand goes to Rafael’s ass, squeezes.

Rafael moans.

That sets Sonny off. He puts his arms around Rafael’s waist and pulls Rafael closer, up, onto his lap. Sonny looks just as desperate now, as he grabs Rafael’s hips and holds on, tight. As he pushes up, his own hips moving eagerly.

They’re both hard.

Rafael pulls away, just for a second, to catch his breath.

Sonny looks up at him.

Sonny looks dazed.

Rafael caresses Sonny’s cheeks, his thumb gently stroking. Sonny is in love with him. Rafael can see that now. In Sonny’s eyes.

If only he’d bothered to look before.

Rafael can’t stop touching Sonny’s face. Sonny looks completely besotted. This is the image Rafael wants to keep. This moment, this look, this will get Rafael through at least three more deaths, if not more.

Sonny kisses him again, but it’s just a peck. He pulls right back. He looks overwhelmed.

“I didn’t think you… I just thought this was…”

Rafael is trying hard to focus, to listen to what Sonny is saying, but Sonny’s pink, freshly kissed lips are making it very difficult.

“I mean… You’re… Me?”

Rafael belatedly realizes that Sonny thinks his biggest selling point was ‘I’m fun’.

Rafael belatedly realizes that aggressively making out with Sonny may have sent the wrong message.

Rafael belatedly remembers that Sonny said he didn’t have ‘much to offer’.

Sonny has offered up his own life, six times. He’s about to do it again. And that’s not even the most he has given Rafael.

Rafael can’t explain how he feels, not without sounding totally crazy. So he settles for something close to the truth.

“Yes, detective. You. I’m not going to say I always felt like this. I had noticed you, of course. Much to my chagrin. But tonight, everything that’s happened.”

Everything.

“I don’t think I could have talked to anyone else like this. Like I talked to you. I don’t know why. I’m not exactly the most open person. I think you’re so annoyingly upbeat that you managed to wear me down, somehow.”

That’s not a lie. Rafael hasn’t opened up like that before. To anyone. And he still wants to say so much. He worries he’s wasting time, but is it really a waste? When Sonny’s smile is so wide?

“You’re more than just ‘fun’, Sonny. You do make me feel better. You’re kind. You’re selfless. You know just what to say to distract me when I’m having a hard time, even though I never extend you the same courtesy. I will, from now on.”

That’s not a lie either. Rafael will be kind to Sonny from now on. Inside this loop. Forever. That still counts.

“This has been a very long day, and you’ve brightened it up for me. This, right now. This is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.”

This is the truth.

Sonny’s smile is as wide as Rafael has ever seen.

Rafael kisses it. Sonny’s smile. He can practically taste it.

The kiss gets deeper. Rafael’s hips start moving, Sonny’s too, grinding.

Sonny grabs Rafael’s waistcoat by the lapels. Pulls it off.

Finally.

Rafael reaches for Sonny’s waistcoat, and it’s still buttoned up, and Sonny is trying to undo the buttons on Rafael’s shirt, and their hands get tangled, and Sonny chuckles.

Rafael wishes he had more time to enjoy this.

Wishes they had more time. Pretty soon they’ll have to start over. Sonny won’t remember a thing.

Rafael unbuttons his own shirt, hurriedly, and Sonny has barely taken off his own waistcoat when Rafael decides they’ve wasted enough time already. He reaches for Sonny’s belt, he undoes Sonny’s pants, he reaches inside.

Sonny sighs. His eyes look bright.

It’s a little harder, because Rafael is still riding Sonny, but Sonny manages to focus long enough to undo Rafael’s pants too. He can’t pull them down, neither of them can, there’s no room, but it doesn’t matter.

Sonny touches him and Rafael forgets to count down.

Sonny wraps his skinny arm around Rafael’s neck, around Rafael’s shoulder, tilts his head up to kiss Rafael again as he strokes, hard.

Sonny wants him to feel better.

Rafael wants to make Sonny feel better too. He starts stroking faster as they kiss.

He tugs at Sonny’s tie. He only means to pull Sonny closer, but Sonny moans loudly, and Rafael tugs at the tie even harder, he tugs at Sonny even harder, and Sonny comes, just like that.

Rafael can still feel Sonny pulsing in his hand, can still feel Sonny’s tongue brushing his lips, when Sonny starts stroking him in earnest.

Sonny’s skinny arm still envelops him, and Rafael feels so protected and safe in Sonny’s embrace, and it’s the strangest feeling, and Sonny is still stroking him, and Rafael comes.

Sonny leans down, catches some of it in his mouth, licks Rafael clean, and Rafael is happy he got to feel those lips on him at least once.

“I didn’t want you to mess up your suit.”

Sonny is smiling.

You needn’t have bothered, Rafael thinks.

Rafael knows that very soon he will wake up again. It doesn’t matter if he ruins his suit. It will be pristine again.

Like nothing ever happened.

Rafael kisses Sonny. Maybe for the last time. This time around, at least.

They clean themselves up, button up their clothes. Rafael’s thighs are a little sore already. He wonders if he’ll still feel it the next time he wakes up.

“Um. So. Are we… Are you gonna stay here much longer? Because I was thinking, maybe we could grab a late dinner? I bet you haven’t eaten anything all day. Wanna go out with me, counselor?”

Sonny always looks so hopeful.

Rafael can’t leave yet, though. They can’t leave yet.

“I still have to finish something up, Sonny.”

Sonny nods, tries to cover his frown.

“But when I’m done we can go. Wherever you like.”

Sonny grins. He doesn’t know how easy it is for Rafael to accept his offer.

They will never leave this office.

A shot rings out.

Sonny reacts impressively fast for a man who just had an orgasm. He draws his weapon, he locks the door, and he carefully tries to look outside, tries to see where the shot came from.

Rafael finally checks the clock.

It’s a little after midnight. Good. There won’t be other victims.

Sonny looks at Rafael. He looks scared.

Rafael is way past ‘scared’.

“OK, it’s gonna be OK. Just, stay by the wall, alright, Barba? Next to the door. Stay near the corner. If the shooter gets in here, I can clip him before he realizes you’re behind him.”

Rafael, as always, does what Sonny tells him to do. Rafael trusts Sonny, in a weird way, even though Sonny has failed to save him every time.

Rafael prepares to watch Sonny die. Again. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it this time. He is determined to try.

Sonny flips the coffee table, takes cover. It won’t do much good.

A shot comes through the door.

The man walks in.

Carisi fires his weapon.

Hits the shooter in the left shoulder.

Rafael waits for the dull clicking sounds.

Sonny fires again. Hits the shooter’s right arm. The shooter drops his weapon.

Sonny is yelling as he’s walking toward the man, and the man is still alive.

Sonny should fire again. Just in case.

Sonny doesn’t fire. He just kicks the man’s gun away, and he yells at Rafael, he yells, “Stay back,” and he approaches the man, he easily cuffs the man’s injured hands, he radios for backup.

Sonny pats the shooter down, and Rafael is half-expecting to see a bomb vest as Sonny unzips the man’s coat.

There’s no bomb vest.

There’s nothing.

Five or six uniformed officers rush into Rafael’s office, and Sonny yells, “Clear”, and the night security guard is there too, limping but still alive, and Rafael idly thinks he was right, the security guard was that first shot.

Sonny approaches Rafael. Touches Rafael’s shoulder. Sonny almost looks more scared now, for some reason. It’s probably just sinking in for him. That they both could have died.

We did die, Rafael thinks.

“Are you OK?”

Rafael can smell the gunpowder. Rafael can see the blood dripping from the walls of his office, but this time it’s not Sonny’s.

Rafael nods.

“Do you know this man?” Sonny asks.

“Yes,” Rafael says. “He’s–

~ ~ ~

“Counselor?”

Rafael wakes up.

He does not want to open his eyes.

He doesn’t. He knew he shouldn’t have said the name out loud. Why did he? Why didn’t he lie? Now there’s been another reset and he has to live through it all again and he can’t.

“Or can I call you Rafael now?”

Rafael opens his eyes.

He doesn’t see his desk, he doesn’t see witness statements, he doesn’t see a small drool stain on a piece of paper.

He sees what appears to be a man’s left nipple, he sees some fuzz, he sees what looks suspiciously like a puddle of drool on a man’s collarbone.

Rafael realizes he’s not in his office. He realizes he’s not face down in some case files.

Rafael is face down on Sonny’s chest.

He can feel Sonny’s skinny arm, and it’s wrapped around his shoulders again, and it still makes Rafael feel protected and safe, and loved, maybe, and Rafael can’t believe they fell asleep like that. Sonny’s arm must be totally numb by now.

“Good morning.”

Rafael looks up.

He sees Sonny’s blue eyes looking back at him, and Sonny’s hair is all messy, and there’s some stubble on Sonny’s face, and Sonny is smiling, and Rafael doesn’t think anyone has ever looked this happy to see him, not first thing in the morning.

Rafael is even happier to see Sonny.

Rafael wonders if the whole thing was a dream. If he’s still dreaming. If he’s dying, right now, and this is his brain’s way of coping.

A fantasy he’s concocted.

Waking up to Sonny Carisi.

A strange thing to fantasize about.

Or is it?

Except Rafael begins to remember.

Rafael remembers being in his office until the early hours of the morning, watching the shooter get taken into custody, giving his statement to a particularly agitated Liv.

Rafael remembers Sonny being right next to him, the whole time, not moving an inch. Sonny, trying to sneak small touches to comfort him, or to make sure he’s alright. Or both.

Rafael remembers Sonny looking proud, remembers Liv praising Sonny for his efficiency.

One time out of seven.

It’s all it takes.

Rafael remembers leaving his office, stepping out on the sidewalk, not wanting to be alone anymore.

Rafael remembers feeling unhinged. Feeling like reality might collapse into itself at any moment.

He would still feel like that, but Sonny’s heartbeat is strong and steady and Rafael can feel it against his own chest and it feels pretty real.

Rafael remembers asking, “Can I come over?”

Rafael remembers Sonny’s eyes lighting up. Sonny’s dimples. Sonny saying, “OK, counselor, but we’re ordering in. You still have to eat something.”

Rafael remembers the pizza staying untouched.

Rafael remembers Sonny’s hands on him, all over him. Sonny’s lips.

Rafael remembers Sonny inside him.

Rafael remembers forgetting.

Forgetting everything that happened before. Just for a while.

“It’s nine o’clock. Last night the Sarge said I could take today off, and nobody’s expecting you to show up for work after what happened. We got nowhere to be. So. You’re free to stay. If you want.”

Sonny looks like he really wants that. Like he really wants Rafael to stay. With him.

Rafael stares back at Sonny. Still groggy. Still a little confused.

Sonny chuckles.

“Alright, why don’t I make you some coffee first, and then I’ll ask you again? When you can actually form a sentence?”

Sonny untangles himself from Rafael’s grasp, sits up. He hesitates for a second but then he leans back in, gives Rafael a small, tentative kiss.

Rafael watches as Sonny gets up and leaves the bedroom. Rafael admires Sonny’s lanky body and long legs and surprisingly pert behind and utter unwillingness to put on some damn clothes.

Is it over?

Was that it? Him and Sonny, jerking each other off? Did that break the loop?

Why?

For a moment, Rafael wonders if someone cursed him for Halloween. Get laid or die tragically. He wonders if maybe Sonny wished for this, made a deal with the devil and it backfired.

Rafael has considered a lot of scenarios.

A lot.

So, what was the point?

Rafael doesn’t know.

Rafael thinks it’s just his luck that, the one time he actually shows emotion, the one time he throws caution to the wind and just does what he wants, the one time he embarrasses himself by opening up, by admitting he’s afraid, and alone, this is when it sticks.

There’s no reset.

Rafael has to live with the consequences.

The one time that Rafael feels something real for someone, for Sonny Carisi, of all people, the one time he doesn’t keep it all bottled up inside, the one time he lays it all out there, he has to deal with the aftermat–

No.

That can’t be it.

This can’t be some weird Groundhog Day crap, where Rafael is lonely and closed off and cynical, and all he has to do to escape is be nicer. Where all he has to do is open his eyes and look around, and he’ll see that love has been waiting for him all along, right under his nose, in the shape of a scrawny cop from Staten Island.

That can’t be it.

Can it?

Sonny returns with two coffee mugs. The coffee smells nice. Strong. Fancy. Rafael bets that’s not what Sonny normally drinks every morning.

Rafael takes hold of Sonny’s face, kisses him long and hard. There’s nothing tentative about it.

Sonny beams as he hands Rafael a mug. He watches eagerly as Rafael takes a sip. He waits to see if Rafael likes it.

Rafael makes sure to hum in approval.

Sonny looks happy.

Rafael thinks he must look happy too. He sure feels like it.

Rafael thinks this has all been worth it.

“I’ll stay, Sonny. But you’re making me breakfast, too.”

Sonny smiles.