Chapter Text
Wooyoung is trans. All his members know that, since the beggining, even if it's not something they talk about all the time. They always treat him with the upmost respect, always stand up for him when someone makes an unconfortabke comment. They are the biggest allies he could ever ask for, and he's so greateful for that. Still, sometimes he wonders if they ever think about what that means. In all the ramifications.
He wore chest binders when he first met them, and quickly after had top surgery, before they debuted. He took testostorone shots and had his uterous taken out, so he doesn't have his period anymore. So with all of that, he wonders sometimes if they know. Obviously they are aware of what it means to be trans, and they aren't dumb or uneducated, but do they realize that Wooyoung's body is different from theirs? That he didn't always look like he did now, and that in some ways he still wasn't like them? Or did they get so caught up in being the sweetest allies ever, who genuinely just see him as a boy like any other, that they forget?
And it's not like Wooyoung wants them to forget. Every step of his transition has been to get him closer to the way he wants to be, but he has never wanted to "pass". He is very proud of being trans, and he loves that he doesn't look like them. He loves that he has scars under his chest, that his facial features are still a bit softer than theirs. And he loves his pussy. He really does. He thinks it's pretty, and it tastes good (he gets carried away sometimes), he loves how it stretches around his fingers and how it pulsates when he comes. So it bothers him that sometimes he isn't sure if his members remember that that's what he has underneath his boxers. Especially San.
San is Wooyoung's soulmate. They are always gravitating towards each other, always hugging, or touching, whispering and laughing together. It drives the others mad, how they sometimes get so lost in each other that the rest of the world seems unimportant. San's opinion of Wooyoung matters so much to him that he often thinks about what the other feels about his body.
Does San think about him? Does San imagine him shirtless? And if he does, are his top surgery scars a part of his fantasy? Does San picture Wooyoung naked? If he does, is it his pussy he thinks of? Does he realize that Wooyoung doesn't have a dick, like him, but rather the prettiest little cunt that always gets wet at the sight of San? Would he like that?
And even if San does know, and does picture Wooyoung's pussy, does he know that Wooyoung's doesn't look the way cisgender girl's pussys look? That his clit has gotten a bit harder and bigger with his T shots? Would he think it looks as pretty and warm as Wooyoung himself thinks, or would it bother him?
Wooyoung thinks about those questions a lot. Maybe a bit too much, in fact. Being in love with your best friend is already complicated, feeling insecure about him liking you or not, but the added doubt of "would he want me as I am" hunts Wooyoung so much he doesn't allow himself to even hope of telling San how he feels someday. Instead, he dreams, and fantasies, and wonders.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They are a little drunk, the eight of them. Someone thought it was a good idea to open the bottles of soju they had lying around the dorm, and now they are all thrown in different places of the living room, a little too giddy. Wooyoung, obviously, is with San. They are on the couch, a mess of entertwined limbs and drunken giggles. Wooyoung feels so nice, and San's body is so warm against him, and he's just really happy. So when Mingi suggest they play truth or dare, he says yes without a second thought.
They go around a feel rounds, Wooyoung laughing so hard at some of the questions and answers that his cheeks are hurting a bit. Hongjoong is dared to give Seonghwa a little kiss on the cheek, and Wooyoung doesn't know if he's laughing harder at the pure disgust on the captain's face, the happiness on Seonghwas expression, or the way Hongjoong's blush gave away that he wasn't disgusted at all. The more he finds it all funny, the harder San holds him, scared that the loud boy is going to throw himself off the couch with how hard he's laughing. Then, the bottle falls on him, and Jongho is asking:
— Wooyoung, truth or dare?
In all honesty, Wooyoung doesn't trust the maknae with either. He knows way too well how naughty Jongho can actually get, especially since he is usually the one causing mayhem with him. But a dare usually evolves him having to physically move, and the ideia of leaving San's warm embrace seems like actual hell to him right now, so he chooses:
— Truth
— Alright. When's the last time you had sex?
Wooyoung can feel San tensing up beside him, though for his own mental health he doesn't dare to try and guess why. The answer to Jongho's question is uncomfortable, and Wooyoung wouldn't normally say it, but it's a game, and he's still a tiny bit drunk, and he really doesn't wanna think about why San went so rigid at the question, so he decides to answer honestly:
— Since before debut.
— What??? — he hears, from several members, and he doesn't know if he should be embarrassed or flattered that they're so chocked at the ideia of him not having sex in a while.
— Why not? — Seonghwa asks, and Wooyoung's soju must have been secretly a truth serum, because for some reason he continues to answer honestly.
— Well, it's a little different for me, isn't it? — he says, with just enough bite that they understand this is a bit of a sore subject, but not too much that they think he's angry with them — I can't just go fuck a stranger, even with NDA's. There's still one hell of a lot of transphobes out there, and I have no desire to be a victim of a hate crime, thank you very much.
They all fall into silence after that, probably a little uncomfortable with the heaviness of it and feeling a little guilty they hadn't thought of that before. Mingi is the one that breaks the silence, of course he is, always the one to try and make these things better with a light-hearted comment:
— Well, maybe you can do what I do, and just fuck one of our members! That eliminates a lot of steps, honestly.
— Mingi! — Yunho exclaims, hitting the rapper's arm, and everyone is just staring at them open mouthed.
— You know what, I'm gonna ask that we all move on from that — Hongjoong says after a while — If we don't, I might have to do or say something about it as captain, and I really just don't feel like it today.
— Fine by me. — Wooyoung mumbles, suddenly feeling extremely aware of the fact that San has been completely quite through that whole thing. He stays silent for the next rounds, only speaking when Yeosang asks him truth or dare, to which he chooses truth.
— Have you ever had sex with a girl?
Wooyoung holds his breath at that.
— No, I haven't — San answers — only boys.
— Damn, so you really aren't bi? — and Mingi's question is what finally gets San to laugh and start acting normal again.
— No, Mingi, I really am fully gay.
And Wooyoung knew his friend was gay, obviously, but San had never told him he had never had sex with a girl before. And Wooyoung is fully aware that he is the first trans boy San's met, which means San has never had sex with someone with a vagina. And Wooyoung is trying so hard not to spiral, not to think about how he's only felt attracted to people with dicks before, how Wooyoung doesn't look like all the boys San has fucked in the past. But he does think about it, because he suddenly goes very quite, and next thing he knows San is saying goodnight to all of them and dragging him to his bedroom.
Once they reach the bedroom, they sit next to each other on San's bed, still as close as they were on the couch, and San starts petting Wooyoung's hair. That makes the bad thoughts stop, even for just a second.
— You got very quiet there at the end, Woo. Is it because of what Jongho asked you? Because of what you answered?
— Not really — Wooyoung says, because it wasn't just that, but then he realizes he can't talk about what actually made him sad and decides to take the opportunity of distraction — I mean, that wasn't exactly something I feel great about.
— Do you miss it?
— Sex? I mean, yeah, San-ah, I miss it. Wouldn't you, if you hadn't had it in so long?
— It hasn't been as long as it has for you, but I haven't in a while either.
— Oh. — is all Wooyoung can say to that, because what the he'll? How is it possible that the Choi San hasn't been having sex all the time? How did he not have a different twink falling at his feet every weekend?
— That's not really the point, though — San says — I get it, Woo, it must suck, and I'm so sorry you have to go through that worry. But I just really don't want you to take that risk. What you said, about hate crimes? That's fucking scary. I need you to not take that risk out there.
And Wooyoung knows where he's coming from, and it's really sweet, but the boy has spent years being horny all the time and having no sex. The whole situation is frustrating, and he constantly feels like he is ready to explode.
— Well, San-ah, it's not like I had any plans to start cruising gay bars on the weekends, but what am I supposed to do? I'm human too. I have needs, too. Am I meant to just never get off with someone ever again? That's some bullshit!
He didn't mean to take it out on San, but it came off a little harsh. He was about to apologize, when San suddenly answers:
— Do it with me, then.
— What? — Wooyoung's heart might stop, he thinks.
— Do it with me. You know me, you know you can trust me. I can take care of you, Youngie — then, he whispers — I promise.
And that is all Wooyoung has even wanted San to say, but not like this.
— I'm not having sex with you because you pity me, Choi San. I know you mean well, but I'm not going to humiliate myself like that.
— It's not.. — San stutters — God, didn't you wonder just now why I haven't been having sex, either? It's because I've only ever wanted you. I can't believe you didn't notice, it's not like I've been hiding it.
And now that is exactly how Wooyoung wanted to hear it. It felt so surreal: San wanted him. His best friend, his soul mate, his first love wants him back. And he is standing in front of him, in his bedroom, offering Wooyoung to have sex with him. So Wooyoung launches for him, holding San's head between his hands and kissing his mouth so hard his lips hurt. It's the most amazing feeling Wooyoung has ever experienced, and he never wants it to stop. But he realizes quickly he never said it back, so he parts their mouths just enough to whisper:
— I'm so in love with you.
— Oh, thank God! — is all San says, before meeting Wooyoung's lips once again.