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“What was it like?”
”What was what like?”
The return of the night sky didn’t just bring back darkness and starlight, but also the most inane chatter from Gaia’s best friend. When it was this late, she could never tell if Ryne would want to settle into a deep sleep or a deeper conversation. They passed many a night like this; Ryne had taken to sleeping with her of late, the two of them lying side by side, separated by nothing but the cloth of their nightgowns. In case you need anything, Ryne said once, but Gaia can’t think of any need so pressing that she’d need Ryne’s assistance in the middle of the night. But she came anyway, her toiletries packed away in a little sack, her thin white dress hung up in Gaia’s own closet and Thancred’s gunblade propped against the door.
It was too dark in their room to see Ryne’s face, but Gaia didn’t need to. She could still feel her gaze upon her, sharp and piercing, so unlike the gentle whisper of her voice or the warm breath against her neck. Gaia tensed up, before she huffed and rolled over, nestling into her pillow. Would it kill her to get to the point?
“You know, the – ” She could hear the sheets rustle as Ryne shifted underneath them, and could almost feel the warmth of her hand as it hovered over her bare arm. But either she imagined it or Ryne thought better of it, because all Gaia felt against her skin was a breeze drifting from the open window. Ryne remained silent for a moment longer, before she lowered her voice, and said, “When you and Mitron… reunited with one another.” There was another pause, before she added, “I’m sorry, it’s just… I imagine it must have been awful frightening for you. If you don’t want to – ”
“Enough.”
Gaia’s voice was cold and blunt, so unlike Ryne’s. She sighed, and tried her best to soften the blow .
“Mitron – ” (Artemis, her mind whispered to her, but her throat choked when she thought of saying her name aloud) “ – all of that is in the past, alright? So, let’s just forget it and go back to sleep.”
Ryne laughed a little, her breath tickling the back of Gaia’s neck
“You don’t have to tell me twice. Alright, consider it forgotten. Goodnight, Gaia.”
The sheets rustled again and Gaia could feel Ryne relax against her, releasing tension she hadn’t even been aware of. Gaia relaxed, too, and closed her eyes.
~~~
…I imagine it must have been awful frightening for you…
Frightening was one way to put it. Terrifying, another. Gaia sighed, left alone in bed with her thoughts while Ryne fetched them some breakfast. It was a dreadful thing, to be absorbed so deeply into one’s being, to sink into one another with such perfect ease. Perhaps she shouldn’t have been surprised; she remembered little of her life in service of the Convocation, but she remembered Mitron’s mastery of the sea and all the creatures who dwelled within it. Was it any wonder that she was like an ocean unto herself?
And yet, she couldn’t think of a time when she had ever been closer to anyone than when she had been drowning. She couldn’t blame this on her memory, either. Ryne, who had been so eager to dive into the waves and salvage what she could of Gaia’s mind, was just as eager to patch her up with new memories and a new life. She knew how it felt to hug her, to be squeezed so tight it took her breath away; she knew the warmth of bare skin against bare skin, when they walked through the markets hand in hand, fingers intertwined with another. Gaia ran her own fingers against her thigh, barely noticing as her own hand slipped between her legs, but it was different than this, too. It went deeper than skin, it went deeper than flesh, it was almost like –
The click of the doorknob jerked her out of her own thoughts, and she lifted her hand up immediately, placing it atop the covers before Ryne entered the room. She beamed at her, too busy with an armful of pastries to notice the flush on Gaia’s face.
~~~
“It was… strange.”
“Hmn? What was strange, Gaia?”
Once again, Ryne and Gaia found themselves alone in bed together, having another late night talk under the cover of darkness. Only this time Gaia was the one being a little chatterbox. She rolled over, huffing to herself.
“You asked what it was like, didn’t you? When – ” Yet again, Gaia found herself choking on her name. Her fingers tightened around the covers, and she continued, “When Mitron found me. And it felt strange, alright?”
They remained silent for a moment, long enough that Gaia hoped Ryne would let it drop. It’s all in the past, she’d say, repeating her own words back to her, but with a softness she could scarce imagine, much less muster for herself. So, let’s go to sleep, alright? We’ve got a busy day tomorrow!
But that gentle admonishment never came. Instead, Ryne sucked in a breath, and asked, “Strange in what way, Gaia?”
“Nothing. Just forget about it.”
“Gaia, please!” Bolder now than she was the night before, Ryne laid her hand on Gaia’s arm, and said, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if there’s any way I can help, any way at all… I’d like to, even if it’s just listening.”
Gaia hesitated, worrying her lip between her teeth. She could lay here in silence and listen as Ryne tried to fill the void. She could shove her off the bed, and tell her to take her dress and her makeup and her father’s old gunblade with her, and leave her be. She could once again be completely, utterly alone.
“…talking about it isn’t going to change anything.”
“But it can’t hurt anything, can it? So please…” Ryne gave Gaia’s arm a light squeeze, and said, “Please, you can tell me.”
Gaia’s eyes closed half-shut, and she focused on the warm of Ryne’s hand against her skin, on the strange sensation of the callouses on her palms and fingertips. She sighed out, and said, “It’s a little like… here, I’ll show you.”
Without another word, Gaia rolled over, draping one arm lightly around Ryne’s waist while the other one lay uselessly between them. She bit her lip again, grateful that the darkness made it too dark to see one another, too dark for Ryne to recognize her hesitation for what it was. Her hand shook as she placed it against the small of Ryne’s back, the fabric bunching up between her fingers.
“Gaia, what are you…?”
“You wanted to know what it was like, didn’t you?” she said, her voice just loud enough to fake some bravado. “So, I’m showing you. It’s a little bit like this, but…”
“But what?”
“But… well, more.”
“Like what, a hug?” Ryne giggled as she nestled up against her, wrapping her arms around Gaia’s waist and pulling her in tight. “No, no, it can’t be that…”
”Of course it wasn’t just a hug!” Gaia could feel warmth rising to her cheeks, her own mortification burning her alive. “It was like pulling someone tight against you – no, tight into you. You can feel everything they do, everything they feel, everything they are… can you imagine that? It was terrifying, yes, but… I’ve never felt so close to anyone like that.” She could hear Ryne humming against her, and she was five seconds away from shoving her off – gods, she sounds mad, doesn’t she? But before she could push Ryne away, she felt a hand brush against her cheek, forcing her still.
”Well, if it’s not like a hug,” Ryne said, her voice barely above a whisper, “Then what about a kiss?”
Before Gaia could say anything, Ryne leaned in close and pressed her lips against hers. Gaia almost didn’t feel it, shy and soft as it was. But perhaps a kiss was supposed to feel this way; she and Ryne had never tried it before, and if she had tried it with anyone else, she certainly couldn’t remember. But then Ryne nudged her nose against hers and tried again, tilting Gaia’s head back as she kissed her again, more urgently this time. If this were a novel or a storybook, she would taste of honey and roses and other sweet things. But all Gaia could taste was skin, and all she could smell was the faint scent of coffee that still lingered between them. Ryne persisted nonetheless, and Gaia lay there limp as a doll as Ryne parted her lips, slipping her tongue between them. For a brief moment, Gaia wondered if Ascians ever kissed; if they ever wanted to, or if they even could. Any and all musings on the past disappeared once she felt Ryne pressed her leg between hers, the skirts of their nightgowns riding up as she slid her knee between Gaia’s thighs. She gasped, her back arching as she felt cool skin against cool skin, and her heart raced when Ryne deepened the kiss further. Then it ended in an instant, interrupted by the clattering of metal against wood as Thancred’s gunblade fell to the ground, gravity dragging it down from its resting spot. Ryne disentangled herself from Gaia’s arms immediately and rushed to the door, checking the fallen weapon for damage. Meanwhile Gaia’s heart pounded against her chest, eyes fixed upon a ceiling that she could not see. Ryne murmured some apology or another as she crawled back into bed, and when she leaned in for another kiss, Gaia tilted her head away and pecked her on the cheek. That seemed to be enough to satisfy Ryne, and she nestled herself in Gaia’s arms, falling into a light sleep. Meanwhile Gaia lied awake, wondering if this was truly their first kiss, and Ryne was simply acting bold. Or perhaps she was following a routine Gaia had long forgotten, along with so many other memories they had made together. Either way, dwelling on the past would not help her. Gaia closed her eyes and focused on Ryne’s breathing, letting the rhythm carry her to sleep.
~~~
Gaia dreamt of the ocean.
Most dreams – the good ones, the bad ones, the nightmares that jolted people awake in the middle of the night – have a story of some kind, or if not a story, some series of events. But all Gaia remembered was drifting in the ocean, the salt-water drenching her clothes as she floated away like so much driftwood.
That’s what her life felt like, sometimes. Ryne told her, both in the Empty and in her bed, how much she wanted Gaia to forge her own path and to live a life unburdened by the past. But with little memory and no friends left aside from Ryne, Gaia often found herself drifting alongside her; running festivals, helping with research, or trying whatever new delights the Pendants’ kitchens came up with. For the most part she was content to follow along, eager to forge the new memories that Ryne had promised her, but today she lingered in bed while Ryne bustled around her.
“ – there’s those new pastries we wanted to try, and we can always bring Julietta and Rolf with us if you like – you remember Rolf, don’t you? From the festival – oh! We should also drop by the Hortorium to ask about those samples soon, and there’s the supplies from Mord Souq – ”
“Ryne?”
“Hmn?” Ryne fussed with the ribbon in her hair, and asked, “What is it, Gaia?”
“Can we try something new today? Go somewhere else for a change?”
Ryne’s eyes lit up, and she asked, “Oh, of course! What were you thinking of?”
Gaia hesitated. Her first thought was the shores Kholusia, but she wasn’t sure what made her stomach twist itself: a potential return to Eulmore, or the thought the sea itself, ready to drag sailors and tourists alike into its depths. Perhaps they could make a trip out to Lakeshore, instead, or perhaps…
“What about the Empty? It’s been some time since we’ve checked on it, hasn’t it?”
“That sounds wonderful,” Ryne said, clasping her hands together. “Hold on, I’ll get our bags packed right away.”
~~~
Of all the things she’s learned to do in her new life, driving the skyslipper might be what Gaia enjoyed the most. It was an odd machine, designed to ferry royal brats and useless dilettantes around, which made it easy enough for anyone to learn. After weeks of practice, she no longer had to think, no longer had to remember anything to make it work – all she had to do was put her foot to the pedal and just go.
Ryne sat in the back, enjoying the ride as always. Gaia expected her to have filled up the back with more samples and plants, but instead she had brought camp supplies, an oversized blanket and a picnic basket, and of course, Thancred’s old gunblade. Ryne had told her about him once, one night when she had gotten him and Urianger mixed up again. I guess he was something of a scholar, she had giggled, if what Urianger said about his mark was true. But he never spoke of it, nor did he act the part – not that he wasn’t clever, mind! But he was more of… how do I put it.
If I’d call Thancred anything, I guess I’d call him a knight in shining armor. Or at least, that’s what he was to me. And if I could be that to someone else, if I could give someone what he had given me…
Gaia remembered how Ryne had hugged his weapon tight when she thought no one was looking, on those nights before she had slipped into her bed to keep her company. She remembered the tears that ran down her cheek, and how quickly she had composed herself, splashing her face with cold water to calm her reddened face. Gaia remembered little, but she remembered this much, at least.
…then I think I could be satisfied.
~~~
They talked little when they stepped foot into the Empty, but Gaia didn’t mind. Both of them were content simply to take in the sights as they walked to the shore, guided by the crystal’s iridescent light. Standing amongst green grass and misty waterfalls, Gaia couldn’t help but take pride in what she and Ryne had built together.
Together they breathed in fragrant flowers Gaia had never seen before, or if she had, she could not recall; they climbed up ancient trees brought back to life by the magic of the elements; they ran up and down the shore, splashing each other with water, until they surrendered to their campsite to dry off. Their dresses fluttered in the breeze, hung out to dry in the late afternoon sun, while they huddled half-naked together around the campfire. A comfortable silence had settled between them, and Ryne leaned against her shoulder, hugging her arm.
“Did you enjoy yourself?”
“Very much so,” Gaia said, smiling faintly as she stared out at the lake, its surface dappled with sunlight and the soft glow of the crystal that brought it to life. “And you know… I think I understand it, now.”
“Hmn? Understand what, Gaia?”
“It was something Mitron said once,” Gaia murmured. “About how she wanted to take one perfect moment, and make it last forever.”
She snorted and shook her head, and, still smiling, said, “I didn’t understand how anyone could want that – forever always seemed so dreadfully dull. But…”
Gaia took Ryne’s hand and squeezed it tight, bringing it into her lap as she twined their fingers together.
“…well. I don’t know about forever, but I wouldn’t mind if this moment lasted just a little longer.”
She felt Ryne tense against her; she felt Ryne’s hand tighten its grip, hard enough to make Gaia wince; she felt Ryne’s nose brush against her face before she leaned in for a kiss. This was no shy peck on the lips like their very first kiss, nor was there any of the softness of their second one. She moved with an urgency that caught Gaia off-guard, kissing her fiercely as she gripped her by the shoulder, pressing against her with enough force to push them both to the ground. Gaia was left in a daze, her head spinning as Ryne deepened the kiss and straddled her thigh. It wasn’t until she felt Ryne’s leg between hers that she pulled her head away and shoved Ryne off of her.
“What’s gotten into you?!” Gaia scrambled backwards, before her eyes widened, the pieces clicking into place. Ryne’s sobs when she thought Gaia had fallen asleep; her adoration when she spoke of Thancred whisking her away from Eulmore’s clutches; the faintest memories of smoke and perfume and raucous laughter as people clad in silk indulged their every whim, with no concern of the future or its consequences.
Just what did her knight in shining armor save her from?
“Did you… you didn’t learn this in Eulmore, did you?”
“No, no! Ran’jit, he…” Ryne’s voice cracked, and she glanced away, balling her hands into fists. “He kept me away from all of that. I’m sorry, Gaia, it’s just – ”
Finally, she found the strength to look back at Gaia, unblinking and resolute as she crawled back towards her. “I couldn’t forget what you told me about Mitron. How it scared you, but also how you had never felt so close to anyone else in your life. But I can give that to you! I can give you something that special, something better than that – I can give you all of that, if you’ll let me, if…”
Tears welled in Ryne’s eyes, and she said, “If you’d like it, that is.”
Gaia said nothing. She simply laid her hand against Ryne’s, squeezing it tight as Ryne pressed up against her again. This kiss was soft again, lacking both the uncertainty of the first and the rough urgency of the last. The scent of coffee and flowers lingered in her hair, and Gaia breathed it in as she kissed her back, digging her fingers into Ryne’s shoulder. Ryne hummed, quite pleased with herself as she pulled her close, both of them falling onto the blanket together.
Shy hands trailed over Gaia’s shoulder, ghosting over her arm, stopping when she reached her breast. A knot twisted in Gaia’s stomach, and she groaned in frustration – was Ryne bold or skittish? Either way, she wished she’d make up her mind, if only so she could know what to expect. A moment of hesitation was all it took for Gaia to grab her by the shoulders and pin her down, deepening the kiss herself. If she was doomed to drown, then Gaia could either let herself be dragged underwater, or she could take the plunge herself. They sank deep into one another, guided by instinct and memory, while something achingly familiar threatened to break free within Gaia. Ryne may have known how to kiss, but Gaia knew that a kiss needed teeth. She broke away, kissing Ryne's bare neck before she sank her teeth into her shoulder, hard enough to make Ryne cry out.
“Gaia, I – ”
“You wanted to know what it was like to be joined together,” she said, her voice breathy. “So I'm showing you. You still want to know, don't you?”
“I – yes, more than anything.”
Gaia planted a kiss against the bite mark, both an apology and a promise, and felt darkness overcome her as she closed her eyes and pressed their bodies together.
~~~
They lay together on the blanket, naked and sweaty, silent underneath the orange sky. What clothes weren't hung up to dry were left in a crumpled pile next to them, and Thancred's gunblade – still propped up against the tree – reflected the sunset right into Gaia’s eyes, threatening to blind her. The silence that had been so comfortable between them now lay thick and heavy in the air, threatening to smother Gaia. But Ryne simply propped herself up and tugged her camisole over her head like she did every morning, as if they shared nothing more than another late night chat. Gaia remained motionless, and Ryne pressed a kiss against her forehead before she continued to get dressed. While Ryne packed their things for their return to the Crystarium and the normal life promised within her walls, Gaia stared at the lake, and once again thought of driftwood floating away.