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r/ relationship_advice • Posted by u/bininabeanie 18 hours ago.
i (22m) accidentally ruined my best friend’s (21m) first relationship in years
So let’s start with the basics. When he (let’s call him Mae for this) moved to korea he joined the dance academy I was attending at the time. We realized we had a lot of things in common and bonded over our love for dance, and we have been inseparable for five years now.
Before we continue I am gay, and I tell you this bit of information because it is important to the story.
So when we finished high school we moved to seoul together. I took a year and worked to save money and his parents support him financially, so we were able to rent a two-room apartment where we live comfortably. I occasionally bring people over, but we’ve talked about it and he has no problem with it, I just let him know in advance and he stays with one of our friends, or goes out and returns when the guy leaves. I’m not bringing random men over every week, but it happens enough that we decided to set boundaries we each respect.
We’ve been living together for a little over a year now, and I have never been sexiled before this. I know Mae is not a virgin, he hooked up with a few girls as a teen in high school and right before coming to korea, he told me himself, and I have seen him hitting on girls when we were younger. To my understanding he is straight, but apparently I was dead wrong.
So I have this (23m) fwb turned just friend guy we are both super close with. We were having a nice dinner a few weeks ago, got a bit tipsy, and he said something about how we used to hook up so much that we almost decided to date last semester. Apparently Mae wasn’t aware of that (since I never really brought him home) and I think he got upset? I don’t really understand why since he knows and doesn’t care about me bringing people over, but it got to a point our friend noticed something was going on and we decided to end the night early. I tried to ask Mae what happened but he told me he just needed to sleep and locked himself in his bedroom. Next morning he came out acting like nothing had happened so I just brushed it off as him genuinely being tired.
We had our friend over the week after that since Mae wanted to apologize for ruining the mood, and as we were having a glass he asked if he had someone to set him up with because he wanted to try dating and socializing again. We were a bit confused and our friend told him jokingly our circle is full of gays and lesbians, but Mae told him that that’s why he asked him and to set him up with a nice and attentive guy for once.
So apparently my straight best friend was bisexual the whole time.
Our friend left and told him he would set a blind date, and that was it. But we were home so when we were alone I asked why he never told me, and why did he decided to try to start a relationship now. He responded with (as i remember) “You never asked.” “I decided to give up on someone who would never choose me.” and when I tell you he had never been so cold towards me before. I was SO confused like what??
Things got a bit awkward since that conversation, and a few days later I find out he is seeing someone by him asking me to go sleep with our friend for the night.
I have never been bothered by knowing he had flings in the past, but for some reason this bothered me SO much. I must have made a face, because he got all weird again and asked when I was going to leave, so I took my things and went out for the night.
I don’t really know what happened, but he has been seeing this (24m) guy for a little over a month now, they seem to be hitting it off quite well, enough at least to bring him home and introduce him to me.
Here comes the problem.
So we had this guy (let’s call him J) and our mutual friend over yesterday. He is a great guy, tall, handsome, not really my type but I can see the attractive. Mae seemed to like him a lot by the way he was acting around him, but he didn’t introduce him as a boyfriend so I’m assuming it’s not official yet. As always, we had pizza with a few beers and some other drinks, and I may have had a couple more glasses than necessary but something about seeing Mae with J made me feel uncomfortable enough to need those extra cans. You have to understand i’m not used to seeing my friend acting that way around anyone, less another man.
So the night went by and somehow we ended up playing truth or dare (this part was told to me by our friend since I was apparently so drunk I can’t remember), and in a scene almost directly pulled from that Logan Lerman movie, our friend dared me to kiss the prettiest boy in the room (thinking I would go for him obviously). And I kissed Mae.
So J obviously got upset, but for some reason Mae apparently defended me, and that upset him even more, which I get because I too would get upset if i have to see my soon-to-be-boyfriend getting kissed by other man in my face, and then have to hear him defend the man. They fought, I threw up in the bathroom and our friend helped me to my room before I passed out.
A few hours ago I woke up to my friend banging on my door, crying because J decided he no longer wanted to try things out and had broken off their little relationship. He told me I was stupid and to stop making his life so hard, and then left our home.
So here I am now, hangover and in search of help. I asked our friend if he knew what had exactly happened between Mae and J but besides the kissing incident he told me to have a chat with Mae and ask him myself.
I know I was wrong for kissing him, but one, I don’t really remember it and two, who doesn’t kiss their friends? The thing that worries me the most is the way Mae looked at me this morning, because he seemed so tired and sad like i’ve never seen him before.
What can I do to let him know how sorry I am for this? It was never my intention to ruin his relationship, I don’t even know why I kissed him last night, maybe I could talk to J but would he really hear me? And would that make a difference? And what if I explain myself and he asks Mae to stop seeing me and being my friend?
I’m so scared of losing him, I really could not live without him. I think I would be able to do anything for him to forgive me.
tldr: I found out my best friend was seeing someone, got low-key upset over it, kissed him in front of said someone and now my best friend is rightfully mad at me. And I don’t know what to do. HELP!
EDIT: He came back home but locked himself in his room like he always does when he is upset, I tried talking to him but he wouldn’t open so I’m letting him be and waiting for him to come out on his own accord.
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Cuackarae - 17 hours ago
I think you should start by asking yourself why were you so upset over your friend seeing someone and why did you kiss him tbh, you can think someone is pretty without feelings but this is sounding like something you’d wanna think about :-)
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bininabeanie - 16 hours ago
I‘m not sure what you mean, he is just a friend, I don’t have other feelings for him!
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Cuackarae - 16 hours ago
If you wouldn’t get this upset over other friends having boyfriends/girlfriends then you have some reflecting to do my friend
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Eum2ppa - 17 hours ago
Honestly, if you don’t realize what’s going on at this point you’re either really oblivious or incredibly selfish.
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bininabeanie - 16 hours ago
I now I can be a bit slow on these kind of stuff, that’s why i’m asking for advice!
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Geonppang - 16 hours ago
Dude he likes you, and i’m pretty sure you like him as well.
↑ 128 ↓
bininabeanie - 16 hours ago
What? no he doesn’t, we’re best friends!
↑ 13 ↓
Geonppang - 16 hours ago
Man…
↑ 312 ↓
Eum2ppa - 16 hours ago
Oblivious it is
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GoldenStrawberry - 17 hours ago
I think you should buy him something he really likes as a peace offering and then try to talk things out with him before going to his (not-yet) boyfriend! I’m usually a lot more open to people when they do something nice for me first and I think if you ask nicely he will eventually open up, he is your best friend after all. Also i find it very cute how you call your shared apartment home lol
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bininabeanie - 16 hours ago
Thank you for the advice! He really likes sweet stuff and little presents so i’m gonna try what you suggested and hope for the best! And when I think of home I no longer think about the place I grew up in, but about him and the little space we share, so yeah, wherever he is is home to me^^
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Eum2ppa - 16 hours ago
Dude….
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