Work Text:
HYPERSEXUALITY:
a mental health disorder characterized by intense, intrusive, and repetitive sexual thoughts that inhibit daily life; caused as a coping mechanism by sexual trauma.
Kenny McCormick:
a not-so-normal kid.
Kenny would consider himself to be friendly. He's incredibly brave, and generous, and he can be smart too. He has a group of friends that all love him deeply, even if they kill him literally and figuratively almost every day. He doesn't have the best home life, but his sweet and caring little sister makes it all worth while. He even recently acquired a girlfriend! Her name is Tammy. Tammy Warner. And Kenny loves her. Kenny would consider himself to be happy.
There is one thing that makes him not so happy though.
His friends notice it, his teachers notice it, everyone notices. They all think it's weird too.
Kenny has some sort of... obsession, or fascination? Some sort of prominent attachment to the idea...
The idea of sexual gratification.
To be honest, Kenny thinks it's weird too. All of his friends give him these weird... dirty looks when he's seen indulging in any sort of fantasy. Sometimes, having these thoughts can be really fun and feel really good, but others... he feels so gross... He wishes he wasn't like this, that he was more like the boys his own age.
The boys like Kyle, who have literal panick attacks over bad grades. The boys like Stan, who act like they don't give a shit about anything. The boys like Cartman, who are too busy eating to think these things. The boys like Butters, who are too pure minded to even fathom this stuff.
Kenny especially wishes he was like Butters.
A boy without a care for anything in the world except for coloring pictures, baking cookies, dancing, and whatever else a boy like him would do. Kenny wishes he could think the way Butters did. So open minded, optimistic, and clean.
Kenny was dirty.
It all happened so suddenly too, his friends say they have no idea what's happened to him. One day, he just came to school and he was an entirely different person. He knew more things than any of the boys in his class, and he sure as hell taught them what he learned. It earned him a two day suspension, such vulgar language. It was a phenomenon that nobody could explain. Kenny didn't even remember why.
He feels like there's some sort of lapse in his memory. Like he's forgetting something. Something important. Blocking it out even. He just doesn't understand what's wrong with him.
He feels the most dirty and shameful around Tammy.
Tammy is a very religious girl, and she likes the Jonas Brothers. She bought their purity ring, and has them both wear it. Kenny didn't fully understand what it meant at first. He accidentally crossed a few too many boundaries with Tammy, and now he's required to sit at least a few inches away in the couch. He still feels awful, and doesn't know how he could ever apologize enough. He thinks he betrayed her in some sense.
He feels like he knows what she was feeling. When he crossed her boundaries, he could feel a part of himself inside her brain. Feeling so vulnerable, helpless, afraid. He'd definitely felt those things before, but he didn't know where.
When Kenny was alone at night, that was when his thoughts got the most out of control. He'd long ago replaced dreams with fantasies, but he didn't wanna see them. He'd huff, and puff, tossing and turning in his bed hoping to shake the gross images from his brain. Images of Tammy, his friends, fictional characters and celebrities that he felt some sort of strange connection to.
Those gross thoughts of doing gross things are his biggest fear, they keep him awake at night. When he walks into school the next day, he has to pretend for his friends that he didn't have those awful thoughts about them. He feels so guilty, and it's so frustrating.
He just wants it all to go away.
Back to how he was before.
When he was innocent.
When he was pure.
When he was clean.
When he was happy.
Why can't he be like all of the other normal boys? Finding joy in things like jumprope, and batman, and cats, and other things without seeing any sort of reason that it could be so perverse, and disgusting. Kenny felt disgusting. He can barely do his school work, or eat, or sleep, or do anything without these thoughts, they're always there.
But it was all just another running gag to his friends.
"Look, Kenny's buying tickets to a musical. I wonder why!"
"Kenny just wants to see boobs, he doesn't care about the money, right?"
"Of course Kenny would know how the white stuff comes out of your weiner."
"Kenny, do you know what this means? A teacher said it and we just don't understand."
"Do you think Kenny's met the UPS man face-to-face?"
Kenny this, Kenny that, Kenny whatever! Kenny just wants everything to go back to normal. Kenny really tries to remember what made him change. The last thing he remembers is coming home, around six. He'd been playing with his friends all day. He was tired, so he experimented with a possible shortcut to his house... and then he was at his house... he doesnt even remember if the short cut worked, he doesn't even remember the short cut!
It doesn't make sense to him. It's not fair.
Kenny has a new favorite song. It used to be that one song by Eminem that blew up or something, but it's not anymore. It's this new song by a man called TV Girl. Heaven Is A Bedroom. Kenny had never heard anything describe his experiences so perfectly. Especially a few specific lines.
" I was nervous that this was as good as I could ever feel.
And I was right.
I confess to thinking sex was my salvation.
When really, they both just start with the letter 's'.
And you'll forgive me for thinking heaven was her bedroom.
It's as close as I would ever get. "
Those were the lines that always hit him the hardest. Especially the 'it's as close as I would ever get'. Kenny has died plenty of times before. He knows he isn't going to heaven. He's seen the firey gates a few too many times for it to be a coincidence. But it's ok. Him and Satan are friends.
Maybe if Kenny ever dies for good, it won't be so awful down there. Maybe he'd even be free of all of his painful thoughts. Maybe death would mean freedom, maybe love would be death.
All Kenny knows is that he feels like he should probably take some sort of shower right now, but he doesn't wanna waste money on water. Maybe he can tomorrow. Tomorrow he can start new, be clean. It's his favorite thing nowadays.
Being clean.