Chapter Text
When we are in love, we are both completely in danger and completely saved.
i.
Patience was the word for when his mother bore his father's silence, long hours of his mother sitting in the kitchen watching the sun go by with tea in her hands as she waits for a phone call that will never come.
ii.
Sometime during his stint in Karasuno as a middle blocker, his brother starts coming home more and more. Considering his improving relations with his brother, his presence in the house was more welcome now as compared to before, when all he would do was just quietly acknowledge him as he locks himself up in his room. But it is curious to him, and he sometimes wonders whether his continuing stay in the house have something to do with problems at work or anything else.
Akiteru laughs off his concerns when he asks, and only replies with, "mom gets lonely when you're not around, and it's expensive to live by myself, so I figured I can just divide my time here and in my apartment with the guys every now and then so I save money." It's an honest enough reply, but he can't help the quiet feeling that someone's lying to him, maybe out of necessity or because someone thinks he won't be able to handle the truth regardless. It's a bit disconcerting, but unlike the disappointments of his childhood where Akiteru is concerned - this doesn't seem to be a matter of pride. It seemed, for the most part, that Akiteru genuinely just wanted to be with his brother and his mother more and more and Kei can't complain about that at all. And if his brother wants to save money, well, who could blame him?
He works hard in school. He works hard at volleyball. In the weeks leading up to the match against Nekoma, he started to get in the habit of texting Bokuto, who had insisted on exchanging numbers so they can talk even after the training camp. This is how he finds out about their loss against Nekoma, how crushed he felt about the defeat but happy that Nekoma will be playing them again, and how excited he was with Kei having improved so much that he's gonna arrange to get out of some commitments on the day of the match. His texts to Bokuto are short and appreciative of his support and endless nagging about how he worries over his weight and his stamina, but he re-reads them every night and finds it gratifying that someone was keeping an eye on him and it's not just Yamaguchi or his brother that he has to worry about himself anymore.
In many ways it felt awkward, as well. As Bokuto was his senior - and from another school, none less - he felt like he'd be impinging too much if he adds anything else more personal to his texts; and perhaps Bokuto has sensed that hesitation as well, because he'd recently started adding you can always tell me anything, you know, not just volleyball! to his messages. Kei takes that as a guarantee and falls asleep, sometimes, composing mental notes and letters to his head about what he could possibly talk to Bokuto that's not volleyball.
It distracts him enough from the constant presence of his brother until he can do that no longer, when one Sunday, Akiteru just moves back in with all of his things in haphazard boxes, looking harried and frustrated as he carries his things back into his room. Kei peers at him from his doorway.
"How long will you be with us?"
"Ah ... so eager to get me out again!"
Kei shakes his head. "No. It's just ... really weird. You've been away for far too long."
Akiteru takes a deep breath. He's not looking at him when he talks again, the lines of his shoulders really tense as he folds his arms over his chest. Quietly, he says - "Kei. Shut the door."
It's a different voice from what he's used to, and so Kei obeys. He leans against the door with his hands folded over his lap as he always does when he was worried, and he watches his brother's back with apprehension. It's a while before Akiteru speaks, and his voice catches in his throat as he says, gritting his teeth,
"Something's wrong with mom and dad."
iii.
Akiteru tries to tell him, act like things are normal.
He prides himself on keeping up the pretense of normalcy up until the point where he realizes he can't do it. He goes back to his bedroom from that conversation hurt and frustrated, lying down on his small bed as he stares on the ceiling while he listens to everyone fall asleep. Once, or twice, Akiteru tried to talk to him, but he had feigned sleeping so he left him alone.
He clutches his phone on his hands, types what do you do when you hurt so bad to a message to Yamaguchi then stops, realizes that he'd rather not burden him with what's happening in his family again like the way he'd let him find out how his whole entire life was crushed when Akiteru had stopped being an ace. He looks at Bokuto's number and grimaces at the idea of sending him a text, like what do you do when someone you loved cheated on you and then discarding the whole message because that doesn't seem to be the right thing to ask of him either. His mother doesn't know that he knows and he's very careful not to explode. His heart is hammering so loudly in his ribcage that he feels like a grenade.
In the dark, he settles on finally texting Bokuto with, are you in love?
BK. ................ not really I mean I have lots of crushes n stuff but I’m really focused on volleyball right now!
do you need help with someone else?
Stop it, he tells himself. But now that he's sent it he can't take it back, and Bokuto must know that there's something wrong with him because he never texts him out of the blue like this, let alone with something so personal, and he feels embarrassed and angry at himself for having asked, so he replies with, Sorry. That was a personal question. No offense, but I'd rather not discuss this again, it was my fault for bringing it up. Sends it. Closes his eyes.
His phone vibrates angrily all night as he gets, what he can assume, is just message after message from Bokuto.
In the morning, he glances at his phone as he waits for his bus on the stop and reads his messages.
BK. okay
i mean I get it, Kuroo told me you were the cool kinda guy and this must've been really hard on you
but you know!! I meant it when I said u can talk to me about everything
even if I don't know a lot about being in relationships and stuff
soooooo um if you don't mind im gonna do a bit of thinking about this
BK. u texted me first which meant this is really bothering you
u don't strike me as the kind of guy who gets into relationships easily
my turn to apologize but tsukishima you kinda need to work on being nice with people
but you're learning so don't take this to heart too much
ummmmm love is kind of a general topic so this means you need a kind of talk??? advice??? more than anything else
idt u need tips
and u texted me late at night which means this is happening to someone u know
BK. And I guess u were banking on me being the older one to be able to help
and I’m here to tell u I’m going to do my best
I’m not just an ace in volleyball!!!
i'll do what I can to help, because I do care a l
"Tsukki, are you alright? You haven't eaten your lunch."
His bento was a bit more on the sweet side because Akiteru was the one who made it, and he appreciates the gesture but he can't help but feel like he's trying to make up for something and everything feels like ashes in his mouth. He sets his chopsticks down primly on the side of his table as he covers up his food.
"My parents are fighting."
It's the truth. Except that it's a war that's waged between his brother and his mom, and his dad is out of the picture because he's too busy with ... someone else. The details of it he doesn't really want to go into with Yamaguchi, but it's vague enough that the other boy can guess on how serious it is, and Yamaguchi winces at his response. "I’m sorry. Anything I can do to help?"
What can people do? He's had three offers already, counting his brother who's still trying to make up for things and was probably feeling the pressure of being good, not even being the best because lord knows he tried that already, but just - being good, being dependable, while his brother seethes in his silence and their mother perpetually waits for an answer from their dad that will never come, and Kei counts the hours where he will explode at the idea of not being able to find someone accountable for his mother's distress and the strained feeling he gets that comes from being emotionally exhausted between four walls. The most logical decision is to tell his mother to stop waiting, but his brother is there too and he knows how Akiteru is when he gets protective of him and his family.
So instead, what he tells Yamaguchi is, "nothing, at the moment, it's just really stressful. But my brother's home, and he's been taking care of me. I think we'll be fine."
He speaks with the tone of a boy trying to reassure himself more than anything else. Yamaguchi says nothing, but he nods and gives his shoulder a good grip before he continues eating his lunch in relative peace within the classroom.
He attends volleyball practice. He puts in more work than ever, probably because the alternative is to get out or have to deal with the quietly simmering tempers within their house. And in the evening, he stares at Bokuto's text, having gone unanswered for at least three days now, before he replies with,
You're not wrong.
I'd be upset at you, but I’m more upset about other things.
Thanks for checking in on me.
Kei doesn't get much of a reply for that other than a smiley face. And maybe because he's just so tired that he starts writing again, and this time, more honestly than before,
I hate it when people cheat.
iv.
His father comes home on christmas eve.
He doesn't bother putting up a pretense of civility because his father knows his face more than anything else anyway, but Akiteru was on the attack and was at his throat the moment he opened his mouth to say hello - "You come home now? At a time like this?"
By the evening he's found out how Akiteru found out about his affair. ( someone calling the house mistaking him for - someone else - ) The next day he found out about how Akiteru got to know the other woman. ( A stocking in his father's office that was not his mother's. And he wanted to scream, you took home plenty for her every other week and told her she was the most beautiful woman you've ever known. ) By the end of the week his father had left with clenched fists. Akiteru's teeth were sharp and his eyes were cold as he closed the door. His mother, tired, frustrated, sat by the kitchen door watching her husband leave with her fingers closed nervously over the edge of her tea cup. Merry christmas, Kei said to himself, and Akiteru's hands were red when he locks the door.
He texts Yamaguchi, I think my brother was trying to restrain himself from punching my dad.
He texts Bokuto - I am miserable.
He gets two different sets of texts while he gets drunk on eggnog, trying very hard to see the screen because he's trying not to pick up awful habits too. It’s a sweet drink. It's christmas. It's just.... A holiday. Just a couple of drinks, his dad used to say; it's just for socializing. He laughs quietly to himself as he takes a drink behind locked doors.
BK. I’m sorry to hear that
I got some extra cash I can come over to Miyagi
let's hang out
TK. No.
Everything in this place reminds me of him.
BK. Come over.
I’m serious. I ca
"Thanks for picking me up."
"No problem!" Bokuto slips his hands into his pockets, grinning. "It's not like I got anything to do this week beside pig out on leftovers, anyway."
"You're going to gain weight, you know. Then Akaashi will have to set you instead of the ball."
"What the - hey, that's mean!"
It's a bit chilly outside and when he laughs he feels his mouth drying in the cold, but he's happy right now, or about as happy as he could be being far away from Miyagi. Tokyo was a mess of lights and the frantic pace of people during the holidays and he sticks close to Bokuto as he shows him around his side of Tokyo: where he and his team hang out outside of the school, places he likes to go, the mall, the bands he goes to regularly with either Kuroo's gang or the rest of his gang ( "I got the entire team to listen to my favourite singer, it's so great! ) and so on. For his part, Kei listens carefully. He tries to pay for things whenever Bokuto treats him to small gifts or sweets, but Bokuto insists on paying all the time; in the end, he settles for treating Bokuto to his favourite place for dinner, and Bokuto treating him out for a game of bowling or two before dragging him out to go tobogganing in the park.
He dusts off the snow from his coat as he and Bokuto make their way back to his place, his face red from the wind and cold.
"How long are you staying with - me?"
Kei tilts his head. "About two days, then I have to go back."
Bokuto nods. "Did you have a lot of fun today?"
"... I did," he tells him honestly. Bokuto made him feel good. He keeps thinking about his text messages, where he always stops reading after he tells him, I care for you a lot, because he feels like he shouldn't be feeling so much for someone who's from another prefecture and is younger than him anyway, but - he'd be lying if it doesn't make him feel special even as he reads it in embarrassment. He can be so honest about his feelings.
"Oh good! I asked Akaashi to come over before you go, just so we could hang out, but he left with his family this morning to go on a trip somewhere before school starts so it'll just be you and me." He takes out his phone, removes his mittens from his hand. "Though of course I can also call Kuroo - "
"- really, Bokuto - I’m fine being with you."
Bokuto smiles. "Hey. I make a mean onion soup. I'll show you when I get home."
"Do you make that from a packet, or will I have to taste your tears?"
"C'mon! I'll make you eat your words!"
Being with Bokuto was painfully normal. It was grotesque how his family was so warm to him, and Bokuto, sensing his hesitation and nervousness, gave him enough time to be in the house unbothered by the rest of the family as well so he can recharge after having spent so much energy being social in front of his parents. He appreciates it. He finds out from Bokuto that he's recently started learning how to cook because his marks in Home Ec were bad. His mom has been helping him and now he can make uncomplicated dishes without much help, and he likes making soups because they're usually easy to make. Today he's making onion soup with onions that he kept crying over as he sliced them, and Kei laughed at his sniffling face, delicious cheese that they bought together on their way home, and some crusty bread. They eat together out of a bowl, and it's the most delicious thing he tasted and seeing him and his parents appreciate Bokuto making something that didn't end up almost burning the house again made him -
feel jealous.
He grips his spoon tightly as he listens to his dad laugh.
Bokuto, without missing a beat, leans over and wraps a gentle hand around his own, and dips the spoon back into the bowl with a smile as he continues the conversation with his dad as he leaves the kitchen, calling out to his parents to have fun in their date; and once they were alone, he tells him, rather gently, "it's alright to be angry."
Kei clenches his fist over his lap. "I don't want to ruin my holidays like this."
"If you don't let yourself be honest about what you're feeling right now, you're going to ruin a lot more things than just a holiday."
And that was how he ended up eating onion soup while crying, Bokuto feeding him while he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, saying, "it's alright to be angry. It's alright to be upset. it's alright to be honest about how hurt you are."
"I didn't want - "
"It's my house, there's no-one else here. You're not ruining anyone's day." He sets the spoon back onto the bowl and grins up at him as he lays his head on his arms over the table. "I told you - you can tell me everything." He hesitates for a bit, before looking away as he adds, "I do care about you."
"You - god .... "
It's not his most eloquent conversation he's had. In his defense, at the end of the day, he had ended up crying on the table about how upset he is with Bokuto's hand soothing him on his back, and it's really hard to be eloquent when someone is being unfailingly kind to you. But he keeps crying, anyway, because it's the only thing he knows how to do honestly at this point, and somehow, that's okay.
v.
Maybe that was the start of things. His life didn't necessarily get better after that, he still came home hurt and upset to a small room in Miyagi as soon as his holiday was over. But it allowed him to look forward to something else more than the monotony of school, volleyball, and home, all of which made up his childhood but now his childhood was strained and his need to excel, to destroy things on the court is directly proportional as to how angry he is over his dad. Akiteru never failed to show up in any of his matches even after his first year, and Bokuto kept texting him and praising him and giving tips or criticizing him where necessary. Whenever he had the time and the funds, he makes the trip to Tokyo and Bokuto shows him around. He doesn't cry anymore in his kitchen, but he gets used to Bokuto telling him he cares and showing him just how much he does.
( Sometimes Akaashi looks at them together and he has this rather amused look in his face whenever Bokuto talks so animatedly about something he did during the weekend to Kei during one of his visits. Kei notices it once or twice and finally glances at him with a questioning look, to which Akaashi just replies, "I’m glad he's in your care."
He shakes his head. "No, no. You got it wrong. I’m the one bothering him."
Akaashi looks at him skeptically. "I don't think you are. And I don't think he views it that way. I think he craves for your presence all the time. And I think you do the same."
They were quiet for a moment, Kei's brows furrowed as he tries to parse his words while Akaashi lets the meaning sink into his bones. "You mean - "
"All I’m saying, Tsukishima, is that you don't always have to be alone." )
He confesses to him during Tanabata. It involved a rather messy phone call to Tsukishima late afternoon about how Bokuto got lost trying to get to his place from the station in Miyagi, and Kei trying to track down where he ended up in. They had a lot of fun with roman candles and paper wishes. Bokuto won him a giant stuffed owl, which his hands could barely hold around. They shared ice cream together.
And because Bokuto was not the kind to do things halfway, he pulled him to a rather secluded area of the fair and tiptoed until he could kiss him properly, his lips sticky with ice cream, taking Kei by surprise and turning his face a brilliant shade of red. Bokuto looks rather proud of himself, nervous - but proud - while Kei turns away in embarrassment. "You - you just mashed your face into my face, Bokuto, what were you trying to do."
"Hey now. It's a first kiss, doesn't have to be perfect." He grins. He holds the owl in his one hand and presses Kei against the fence again while the fireworks were blooming in the night sky coloring them green and gold and red underneath the lights. He leans closer, gently telling him, "we can always practice ‘til we get it right."
And they did, Kei's fingers warm in between his own as he tastes the strawberry from his tongue.
[tbc.]