Chapter Text
Leonardo had no idea when he started resenting living with his family.
He used to love it. He was an extrovert and sharing a confined space with all his brothers meant that they were always close by, just waiting for him to bother them.
While they would occasionally seek company on their own, Leo was usually the catalyst for their hangs. Luring them out of their rooms, proposing movie nights, games, and sports. Rushing out of his room whenever he heard someone in the kitchen or in the living room, wanting to see them, talk to them, and experience the presence of another being in his proximity.
While his brothers liked spending time together, they were all introverts. Donnie the most of them all, always hiding in his lab, leaving their activities first. Raph would retreat too, but only when he was tired - he liked to keep an eye on his siblings when he could. Mikey was a little more complicated and while Leo spent most of the time with him, it was mostly just sitting in the same room while the younger painted or read a comic book. Leo didn’t mind, cause at least he wasn’t alone, at least there was someone close by, but he wanted a conversation. He wanted to hear his brother talk. As much as they were all joking about him loving the sound of his own voice, he talked so much only because his brothers often didn’t. They were perfectly content with carrying on with their activities in silence, maybe with some background music.
It felt like a rejection. Like they didn’t really want him there. Like they only tolerated him because they had no other choice.
“Thanks, Leo,” Mikey once told him, “It’s really nice that we can hang out without really doing anything together, you know? Helps me focus on what I have to do even if I really don’t want to.”
What Leo heard was “Leo, doing something I absolutely despise is better than having to talk to you.”
But he was okay with that. As long as his brothers let him hover around them, he was fine.
He thinks he stopped being fine a while ago.
He wouldn’t go out to meet them in the common areas when he heard them anymore, especially when there was more than one voice. They enjoyed each other much more than they enjoyed him. He stopped with the jokes, the pranks, sitting in quiet rooms with them. He stopped patting their shoulders and wrapping his arms around them, stopped seeking them out. The void inside him was enough. He didn’t have to fill it.
Didn’t deserve to fill it.
He would never be that Leo again, he decided one night.
He had to let go of the Leo who hoped he could fill the void.
And the void was all-consuming. Dark and cold, at first it only nibbled at his insides, like a shy stray kitten who didn’t know if the food he found was safe. Then, the cold arms of the void began to spread. Some would squeeze his lungs, making it hard to breathe. Some would reach his throat, stuffing it, making it difficult to open his mouth without a sob or whimper escaping. Others would make him sick to his stomach, or weak in his legs.
The void was taking over and he didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. So he let go.
And now, the void was laughing at him.
***
The prison dimension was an easy out.
He could never really become the hero his brothers wanted him to be. This way, they would at least get the impression that he tried to be that, be like them, courageous and selfless. He would die somewhat resembling a hero and that was probably the best goodbye he could give his brothers.
When the portal closed behind him, Leo felt weirdly calm. Now the outside world matched his interior. Dark, cold, empty. Painful.
Oh so painful.
But at least, the end was near. Just a few more moments, a few more hits from the Krang and he would be gone. One with the void.
He didn’t understand where the glowing golden portal came from. Even when he saw his crying brothers, his mind couldn’t comprehend why they would want him back. Especially after all his mistakes in the past 24 hours.
He now deserved to die more than ever before.
Leo blinked just before leaving the prison dimension. The next time he opened his eyes, he was lying on the cot in the med bay.
The room was quiet except for the steady beeping of some monitors. Leo was alone.
There was a big red button on a table next to the bed with a little card next to it, reading “ We went to sleep, please push in the event of waking up!”.
Leo didn’t push the button, opting to stare at the ceiling instead. When he heard steps hours later, he closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep.
He couldn’t look his brothers in the eyes yet.
***
For months, the void was longing for the prison dimension. Or any other state as close to not-existing as possible.
But there were days when some feelings resurfaced. The childish wants to be held and comforted, for someone to take the void away, to take care of him. The longing for closeness, an embrace. Arms around him or a weight on top of him. Other body covering him whole.
He wanted to fall apart. To cry. To stop feeling like this.
But that was only some days, usually late at night. Other times, Leo was simply empty.
After the invasion, his family made an effort to be with him. Mikey would pull out his doctor personas, Donnie would run all the tests possible on his physical state, and Raph would try to talk to him about anything and everything.
It was exhausting. Pretending he was fine was exhausting.
But he had no choice. He was still the leader. Why, he had no idea. He could barely keep his mind straight those days. Being responsible for his brothers’ safety felt like trying to hold up a crumbling building, clearly a hopeless cause, but he did it anyway. He couldn’t stop protecting them. They deserved it. They deserve better than it. Better than Leo.
But they had only him. So Leo fought with the little willpower he had left to make sure everything was going smoothly on their missions.
His leadership style changed after the invasion. He was much more aware of just how much his mistakes matter. He had to be better. So Leonardo let go of the jokes, the clever quips at their enemies, of having fun while beating the villains. There was no more “taking their time”. Leo was efficient with his strategies. Do what they have to do with minimal injuries, keep his brothers out of harm’s way even if it meant harming himself, and go home. That was always the plan.
The other turtles were often frustrated with Leo. He was cold and calculated, focused on maximum efficiency. It was working well, yes, and they were able to do everything much quicker and with fewer accidents. But they didn’t like the short hisses in their comms whenever they dared to make a joke during stakeout or the looks when they added an extra backflip while fighting for some additional flare. Leo would always tell them they needed to focus more after the mission. Even Raph agreed that Leo got a little too serious about his leadership role.
The new situation they found themselves in made them resent each other more and more. Raph, Donnie, and Mikey stood in opposition to Leo, not understanding why he became like this. And Leo didn’t do anything about this. If they resented him, it would make things easier for them after he finally breaks and kills himself.
Leo and his void, together forever. He was going to do it soon. As soon as he gathered the courage to commit to something permanent.
Sure, he knew he was being self-destructive. Not dodging attacks that were easy to avoid. Using himself as bait. Pushing onto the enemy’s weapon instead of pulling away, hoping his internal organs would get damaged badly enough that they would stop keeping him alive.
The only hope left was the hope he’d get killed in combat.
***
It was supposed to be a regular patrol. A boring Tuesday night like every other one in the neverending streak of repetition and routine.
Gather the team. Gear up. Get to the surface. Stick to the shadows, to the roofs. Bark sharp, simple orders when you see someone in trouble. Help said someone in trouble. Don’t let your brothers die in the process. Hopefully, die in the process yourself. Go home. Make sure everyone’s wounds are taken care of. Leave your wounds to bleed in hopes of dying. Or at least passing out. Sleep, eat, repeat.
But life was not on Leonardo’s side today. They just had to run into something weird again.
The turtles weren’t familiar with this mutant if it even was one. It looked like a weird cross between a mushroom, a bee, and an octopus. Leo had no idea what he was supposed to be mutated with - he assumed something must have gone wrong in the process to make… that thing a reality.
It didn’t speak. It was just wreaking havoc, using its weirdly mushy tentacles to climb buildings and throw whatever it could find at the people of New York.
Focus, Leo thought. They needed to evacuate the area and restrain this monster before the EPF could come to get it and lock it away somewhere.
(Every time they crossed paths, Leo hoped they would take him away too.)
“I’ll take on the mutant,” Leo said, turning towards his brothers, “Donnie, Raph, you’re on evacuation duty. Mikey, you’re playing defense. Use your chains to intercept anything this thing throws. Got it?”
“Your plan makes no sense, Leo,” Donnie murmured, “Having you and your portals on evac duty could decrease the fatality rate by at least 30%. It makes much more sense for Mikey to use the chain to restrain it while Raph kicks its butt with his Giga form. And me and my tech could deal with any flying objects without it being as tiresome as it would be for Mikey.”
“Are you questioning my orders?” Leo frowned at his twin. This was supposed to be quick, he didn’t need any of his brothers to point out his incompetence as a leader now.
“Yes,” Donnie deadpanned.
“Donnie’s right, Leo. For once, stop playing the main character. You don’t always have to fight the enemy yourself,” Raph huffed.
There was a moment of silence so uncomfortable Leo could feel a drop of nervous sweat forming on his forehead. They were all right. Donnie’s plan was better - of course, Donnie’s plan was better. Donnie was always smarter. Better. Good with odds, numbers, logic, strategy. Maybe Donnie should be the leader. Or Raph should be doing it again. Hell, even Mikey would be better than Leo.
They saw right through him. It was only a matter of time before they would mutiny and kick him out of the team altogether. Maybe kick him out of the family, too. Donnie would see the logic of that - Leo was not serving a purpose. They had no use for him.
Only a matter of time. Maybe Leo should take said matter into his own hands and leave before they get a chance to do that. He was too afraid to do it permanently, but maybe he could just disappear from their lives and start sleeping under some nice, cozy bridge. Not that different from living in the sewers and they would all be better off.
“Fine. Donnie’s plan it is,” he finally said and jumped down to another roof. Time to get to work.
He didn’t see the look his brothers exchanged behind his back.
They all went to work. Leo could hear Donnie’s manic laughter while he blew something up mid-air before it hit Leo and the elderly lady he was teleporting to safety. He bit his tongue before he could tell his brother to cut it out and focus. Things were tense enough.
Mikey and Raph were struggling with restraining the enemy. It was fast and strong. At one point, it caught one of Mikey’s chains and threw the youngest turtle against the wall. There was a loud groan coming through the comms.
“Mikey, this is Leo, do you copy? Do you need to evacuate? Over,” Leo asked, pushing the little button on his device.
“I’m good! Just need a second to catch my breath. Raph is handling it.”
“Okay. Please, evacuate if needed. Over and out.”
He could hear Donnie snicker to himself through the device. One would think his purple brother would appreciate the clear code of communication Leo implemented, taking a page out of the military lingo book, but Donatello thought it was pretentious. None of his brothers followed Leo’s idea of communicating like that during battles, but he personally wasn’t backing out on it. The least he could do was guarantee his team was understanding him correctly.
The Earth Protection Force truck stopped in the middle of the road with a loud screech. This was their cue to leave. While they became silent allies with the organization, the turtles still didn’t trust it.
Most of the civilians were evacuated a few blocks down. The mutant seemed to be a little tired from all the fighting, which should make it easier for the agents. It was over.
Leo stood on the pavement for one more minute after ordering his brothers to retreat. Maybe he could volunteer. Maybe if he asked, they would take him away and take his brain out of his skull, ending his suffering.
Suddenly, Donnie was standing in front of him.
“What are you waiting for? Let’s go,” he said, looking at Leo with something between annoyance and indifference.
“Just making sure they take it away. I can portal back any second, you go meet the others at the rendezvous point. Mikey might need medical attention,” Leo was looking at the EPF agents pointing their guns at the enemy instead of looking at his brother.
“Leo,” Donnie spoke sternly, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
That caught the leader’s attention and he turned to look Donatello in the eyes.
It was just a second, but that short moment was enough for the younger to get an answer to his blunt question.
The monster roared above them as it took one of the guns out of some agent’s hands and threw it at the turtles. Whatever weird thing it was loaded with, a little glowing purple vile, broke at the impact and surrendered the brothers in a cloud of weirdly smelling smoke.
And for a split second, they were one.
***
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Cold. So cold. And dark. What felt like slimy tentacles choking him. Screaming, screaming, screaming. Laughing faces. His own, distorted like in a fun house mirror, grotesque and twisted. Raph’s, Mikey’s. A tiny, bruised green figure drowning in the black void. No up or down, no left or right, just the infinite emptiness. More screams. Some strange, unknown to Donnie. The loudest ones? Those came from the drowning figure he recognized as his twin.
A pull. The void was pulling him under too, seeping into him, like his skin, the natural barrier of his body, didn’t exist. Pain. Pain, pain, pain.
Dark.
Cold.
Pain.
pain pain pain pain pain
The overwhelming desire to end everything. To be one with the void.
Yearning for nothingness.
Craving for death.
Leo.
Donnie knew. Donnie knew this was all Leo. Instinctively, he understood. It was like he was a surprise visitor in his brother’s brain.
***
Company?
No.
INTRUDER
The void was a giant spider. Something other than Leo was in its web and the void intended to consume it whole, just like it did to Leo.
MEAL
The void was reacting faster than Leo to the new presence. He was weak, slimy arms of darkness holding him back, sticking to him like thick tar. A sharp smell of sulfur was making him dizzy.
I’m in hell and I dragged someone with me.
No. This was the void. Leo knew the void inside and out. The void was him and he was the void. This was good. The void was safe. It wasn’t hellish tar, it was a nice and comforting weight on his chest.
You are not choking. You are not drowning. You are not screaming.
This was wrong. The void is supposed to be empty, why would someone else be here?
The void was Leo’s. Only his.
intruder intruder intruder
He was one with the void and someone wanted to interrupt their holy union.
Leo couldn’t hear how loud he was screaming.
***
Two twin blinks. Four eyes. One pair empty, one pair horrified.
“Shit, I don’t know what they’re putting in those guns now,” Leo coughed, “Okay, let’s go home.”
As he opened the portal with one smooth move of his sword, Donnie stood frozen. Leo was… There was something very wrong with him. Whatever the substance did to them, Leo didn’t seem to know what just happened. Maybe he didn’t feel it? Maybe it happened only to Donnie?
“You coming?” Leo was halfway through the portal already, looking at his brother with a raised eyebrow.
Donnie blinked, slowly. If that was Leo’s mind, how could he be so casual? How is he still standing upright? The void was so heavy. Sticky. Overwhelming.
“We need to talk,” he said as he finally moved, taking a step through the portal.
They landed on a familiar rooftop in Manhattan, one they always met up on after a mission to asses how it went. Raph and Mikey were waiting for them, the older using his own arm wraps as a makeshift bandage before they could make it home and properly address the wounds.
But Donnie didn’t care. Well, maybe a little, but he knew Mikey would be fine, he was laughing at something Raph said, so he couldn’t be in too much pain. What worried him more was that he could feel how Leo reacted to his words. As if the feeling was his own.
And the reaction was fear. True, cold fear. Donnie could almost see his words taking shape in Leo’s head, like some old-fashioned WordArt. Chunky three-dimensional letters banging on the insides of Leo’s skull, hitting the walls. And then ice. Panic.
Leo’s mind felt like it was going to explode, but his face was set in stone.
Donnie almost felt like crying. His brother’s thoughts were so loud and so many. It was hard picking out any singular one. They were unfamiliar, more like chaotic clouds of letters and scribbles mixed with a tar-like sticky substance. They were jumping and shaking, changing constantly.
Donatello’s mind was different. Simpler. Binary ones and zeros, neat little cabinets filled with information. Orderly.
This? This was unsuffeable.
He could hardly process anything around him. The cloud of theyhateyouareyouworthlesscan’tcan’tcan’ttheyknowtheywillyoushouddieDIEDIEDIEJUMPJUMPthepavementtheyhateyoucallsyournameleojustsubmitjustJUMJUMPJUMPDIEDIEDIEhewantstoDIEALREADYkickyoukickyououtawayawaywortlesshateyouDIEDIEDIE was too overwhelming.
Tar-like tentacles creeping into his vision.
He blinked. Once, twice. Leo was now kneeling by Mikey, arguing that they should have gone with the original plan, because now Mikey was hurt.
One clear thought appeared in Donnie’s head. And not one of his own.
It should have been you. You don’t deserve to live while your brother is hurt. It was your fault. You’re a bad leader.
“Leo, for the love of God, cut it out,” he finally said, rubbing his forehead.
Leo’s lips turned into a cold line and Donnie was hit with a mental wave of ice. And then another thought cloud.
hehatesyouhehatesyouhehatesyougoodheshouldheshoudhehatesyougoodyoudesevethehateyouarewrongbadbrokendiehewantsyoutodiejumpleojumpyouwillbebetterofdead
“Let’s just go home.”
This? This was torture, Donnie thought.
***
Torture.
The word broke through the void. Bold, straight letters. Black on a neat little white rectangle, like someone installed a printer in Leo’s brain and sent a file through.
It felt alien.
Leo’s hands trembled as he opened a portal home.
What the hell was that?