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Dan woke to the sound of a dull thud, followed by electronic whirring. He blinked a few times, rubbing sleep from his eyes and searching for the source of the noise.
“Shit!” he said, hastily retrieving his laptop from where he had clearly accidentally shoved it off the bed. “Please don’t be dead.” He muttered, hitting the space bar at least eight times, waiting for the poor machine to wake up again. When the password screen appeared, he let out a sharp exhale of relief and finally managed to process what exactly had caused this situation.
He and Phil had fallen asleep on Skype together. There was an argument to be made that it was the sappiest thing he’d ever done, or would ever do. But he’d only been home for a few days since he last visited Phil and he missed him so much it felt like a parasite digging itself a hole in his chest.
They’d been discussing how Dan felt it was too early to be getting Christmassy considering it wasn’t even the middle of November, and Phil was disagreeing. Dan had been making a point when he interrupted himself with a yawn.
“Attractive.” Phil’s tone was sarcastic, but he’d kept looking at Dan as though he hung the stars.
“’M tired.” Dan justified, yawning again.
“It is 4am.” Phil had said quietly, guiltily. Dan was lying down, his laptop beside him, curled up and ready to sleep, but reluctant to do so.
“I don’t want to go to sleep. Not alone.” He’d admitted. Phil’s face had fallen.
“I miss you so much. Come back.” Phil was lying down in a similar position, and giving him a pleading look.
“I want to.” Dan promised.
“My bedroom’s too quiet to sleep in now. You snore a little bit. And now it just seems so quiet here.”
“I do not snore.” Dan was indignant at the suggestion, which only made Phil laugh. Dan loved the way that Phil didn’t cover his laugh quite so much when he was talking to Dan now. He knew Phil felt self-conscious about the way he laughed, widely and openly with the tip of his tongue poking out, but Dan was in love with it. He might be in love with Phil in general, actually. He wasn’t 100% sure yet, but if he wasn’t, he was dangerously close.
“You absolutely do. Only a little bit, but you do.” Dan frowned.
“I hate you.” The statement was undermined by yet another yawn that punctuated the last word. “I’m about to fall asleep so you might get the blessing of my snoring anyway.”
“What if we did that?” Phil replied quickly. Dan blinked, trying to decode whether or not Phil meant what he thought he might.
“What?” Dan pressed when Phil hadn’t responded. Phil hid his face in his hands like he always did if he felt awkward or shy. But he did answer.
“We could just… leave Skype on.” Dan’s heart leapt at the suggestion. It was perfect.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I’d… I’d like that.” He’d love that, actually. It was the closest thing he was going to get to falling asleep with Phil for a while now, so even though it was definitely sappy and silly, he wanted it.
So they had. It’d been nice. Even though Skype’s sound quality was a little crackly and unreliable, he could still make out the rhythm of Phil’s breathing and the way his body shuffled on his sheets. He’d slept better than he had for the rest of the nights since getting home. He would never say it out loud, but even if his laptop had broken, it might have been worth it.
“I nearly broke my laptop this morning because of your zany scheme.” He informed Phil when they were on Skype again that night. Phil faked offence at the statement.
“It was a great scheme! Just because you goofed it up somehow.” Dan rolled his eyes.
“In my slumber I accidentally nudged my laptop off my bed this morning.” He explained. Phil laughed; open and crystal-clear even through the speakers, once again neglecting to cover his mouth. Dan nearly cracked a smile just at that.
“Well done, Dan. Congratulations.”
“It’s not funny!” Dan complained, still forcing himself not to smile.
“It’s hilarious!” Phil disagreed, flicking his fringe back into place and making Dan’s heart ache with the desire to fix it himself.
“You’re the worst.” Dan told him, though his smile was finally breaking out.
“The worst.” Phil repeated dramatically.
“Absolute worst.” Dan agreed with a nod.
“Wurst.” Dan snorted and countered with,
“Bratwurst.”
“Liverwurst.”
“Stop!” Dan protested, laughing. Phil began to laugh as well, and when they met each other’s eyes, it only got worse. Phil was beautiful, so goddamn beautiful. Even on low-quality webcam Skype calls. “I dreamt about you last night.” He said as he watched Phil laugh and remembered. He couldn’t grasp any of the details of the dream; all he remembered was Phil. It’d been hazy and light and he was pretty sure it had been a little sexy, but Phil had been next to him in the full picture quality of his memories from visiting and they’d been laughing. Phil was smiling at him right now, and he knew him well enough to be able to see how soft his eyes were, even if webcam didn’t do it justice.
“I dream about you most nights.” Phil admitted. Dan snickered at the statement.
“See now that sounds cute but so many of your dreams are weird and kinda violent.” Phil let out a bark of laughter but nodded.
“I promise some of them are nice. The ones with you in them tend to be nice.”
“Oh yeah?” Dan added a teasing note to his tone, and when Phil smirked at him, he smirked back.
“Definitely.” Phil looked him up and down. Thank Godthe webcam dulled that look. “Was yours nice last night?”
“Very.” Dan looked down at his hands, which was ridiculous because he had literally sucked Phil’s dick now, he didn’t need to be self-conscious about innuendo with him, and yet here he was, playing with his sleeves and grinning like a lunatic.
“Is that so?” Phil teased when Dan finally looked back up at him.
“A little bit.” Dan managed a wink this time, making Phil grin widely. They locked eyes again for a heavy moment, before Phil took a leaf out of Dan’s book and looked at his hands nervously.
“So speaking of nice… I’ve been thinking.” He chewed his lip and Dan raised his eyebrows.
“That’s never good.” He teased. Phil looked to the heavens, but smiled.
“Shut up. But okay actually, this is a serious thing.” Phil was messing with his hair again, so Dan decided not to push this anymore.
“Alright, yeah.”
“We should erm… get tested. For like… STDs and stuff.” Dan was blindsided for a moment.
“What?” He asked reflexively. Should he be hurt by that question? Was that just standard or was this personal? It didn’t make any sense for Phil to think he had something or anything like that. “I mean, like, I’ve had sex with like three people.” He explained, reeling.
“Yeah, I know!” Phil replied hastily, trying (and somewhat succeeding) to placate Dan. “It’s not like I think either of us have got anything. I just, you know, I want to do this right. If we get tested then we’re safe and we don’t have to worry about anything and like… I don’t know, isn’t getting tested a thing responsible people do when they get into committed relationships?” It was a genuine question, and Dan had no idea why Phil thought he would have an answer to that.
“I don’t know!” He didn’t need to clarify that the only relationship he’d been in had started when both participants had been virgins; Phil already knew. Phil was shrugging at him and making vaguely confused gestures with his hands.
“It’s like… when you get tested with someone it’s like this declaration that you’re not going to have sex with anyone else anymore.” Dan rolled his eyes at that suggestion. He wasn’t having sex with anyone else, that was for sure.
“What, you were planning to fuck other people before now?” That wouldn’t have surprised him as much as he wished it would have, he didn’t know what exactly he and Phil were beyond a substantial ‘something’, but he was pretty confident that Phil wouldn’t have had the time, to be honest. He did spend an awful lot of time talking to Dan. Phil was rolling his eyes as well, and Dan was comforted by the fact that Phil clearly found that suggestion as ridiculous as he had.
“Of course. I’ve had about twenty others, just on the side, this whole time.” He broke at the end and started laughing.
“You’re ridiculous.” He paused. “Are we really going to do this?” He knew he sounded nervous, but he figured that for once that was justifiable.
“It’s going to be fine, Dan. I just want to do it to get it over with so that we’re fine with whatever and we don’t have to go through this later on. It’s not a bad thing. If either of us have anything, it’s gonna be me.” Dan’s eyebrows shot up.
“I doubt that.” They hadn’t discussed it at length. But Dan knew Phil was a pretty responsible, safe-sex kind of guy.
“So do I! That’s my point!”
“Okay, yeah, you’re probably right.”
“I’m actually very clever Dan but you keep doubting me.” Phil grinned at him challengingly. Dan found himself rolling his eyes yet again.
“Yes Phil, you’re so very clever.”
***
He didn’t text Phil before he got the tests done. He’d desperately wanted to, but he didn’t want to come across as any needier than he already did. He was being completely stupid and he knew it. This paranoia was so stupid, he’d only ever had sex with three people and he’d used protection every time except once. Actually, if you were only counting penetration it was one person. He couldn’t have anything, surely.
But the questions the nurse had to ask still felt like the verbal equivalent of a strip-search and Dan wasn’t the best with needles and there is literally nothing more awkward than giving urine samples and there was always that terror that the one time he hadn’t used protection would be enough. And this was without even considering the possibility that Phil had something. It’s not that he thought Phil would have something. It’s just that it was possible. It was always possible, and Phil had plenty of sex before he met Dan and that was weird and a little unpleasant to think about at the best of times.
In short, he hated this. He waited as patiently as he could for the nurse to call his name and tell him his results. It’d been fifteen minutes, which really shouldn’t have been enough to make him panic, but his knee was bobbing up and down and his sleeves were pulled over his hands and he kept checking his phone, praying that Phil would text him.
Phil didn’t disappoint.
in the waiting room. everything is so white and clinical. >.>
Dan’s was pretty clinical, too. But it was mostly a powdery blue. There were magazines from last month on the table and the jar of free condoms was nearly empty. He hoped they’d fix that soon. For the benefit of people who actually had someone to fuck in the city and weren’t holding out for someone who was several hours away.
this was ur bright idea. He replied. He wasn’t bitter, he got why they had to do this, really. And it was weirdly sweet that, from what Dan could gather, Phil wanted to do this because he wanted to do everything ‘the right way’. But he was stressed and it’d been nineteen minutes now.
doesn’t mean I like this part. BE NICE TO ME!!!
Dan felt a tiny moment of guilt. Phil was probably feeling fairly similar right now. Worse, even, because he’d had sex with considerably more people to worry about.
phil ur gonna be fine we both know that. chill! XD he offered. And he did believe it, honestly. Phil was responsible. But it was hard not to having nagging doubts when he was sitting directly across from a poster that declared that anyone who was sexually active could have an STD. His phone buzzed again.
okay I’m going in. plz send me nice texts so when I turn my phone back on I’ll have them.
okay i will. good luck you’ll be fine!! He tapped away, typing aimless compliments until the nurse finally called his name a few minutes later.
***
“Negative for everything, wahey!” They’d already texted each other their results, obviously. But Dan held up the piece of paper anyway, just to confirm. Not that Phil would be able to actually read it in the shitty low-quality webcam, but it was the thought that counted. Phil giggled, covering his mouth with one hand and holding up his own piece of paper with the other.
“Negative as well. See that wasn’t so bad!”
“No, it wasn’t so bad.” Dan allowed. Phil bit his lip and continued to somewhat hid behind his left hand.
“This is the first time I’ve ever like… committed to someone, properly.” His bashfulness only met more bashfulness with Dan, who blushed and giggled.
“Shut up.” He managed between laughing.
“No, it is! That’s kind of part of why I wanted to do this, you know, it’s the first time I’ve really dated properly so it feels like this thing we needed to do to go through all the proper steps and stuff because I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know. I just want to do everything with you the right way but I don’t really know what the right way is. That’s probably really stupid.” Phil shook his head and looked away, and Dan wished they were having this conversation in person so he could grab his chin and kiss him. He hadn’t missed the use of the word ‘dated’ and his heart was soaring.
“It’s not stupid. I didn’t know you didn’t feel like you knew what you were doing.”
“I didn’t say because it sounds so dumb.”
“Maybe it’s stupid but I get it.” Dan reassured quietly, smiling softly at Phil.
“Come back.” Phil’s voice was quiet and Dan was surprised how much hurt was in his tone.
“I am in like just under three weeks?” He promised. Phil groaned exaggeratedly, readjusting his position to lie on his stomach. His shirt rode up a little as he moved, and Dan decided the stress of the testing was easily worth it all. He knows he’s pink-cheeked and giggling unintentionally when Phil keeps talking.
“Exactly! That’s way too long.” Phil pouts at him, and he offers a sad little grin in return. He can’t be totally certain yet because it feels different to the last time, but he’s pretty sure that the feeling in the pit of his stomach when Phil’s begging to spend time with him has to be love.
“I know it is.” He replied quietly. “But it’s whole week when I do get there.” he offered. Phil grinned.
“Next month please!” Phil said, stretching out the ‘please’.
“Yeah, just think about all the things the two of us can do now. Get excited.” He said, waving his negative test results around again. Phil laughed, ducking his head. He was actually blushing a little when he looked back up. Phil never blushed.
“I was already excited before we did the tests, Dan! This just makes it even better.” Dan’s heart imploded a little bit, because he’d never seen Phil that happy before, and he was the one that managed to do that.
“Next month please.” He agreed.