Chapter Text
They had had a misunderstanding. Something trivial which had later turned into a full-blown argument; Yuu muttering a string of curse words under his breath followed by a deadly plea of “if you don’t do something right now I’m just going to up and leave.”
He had had enough, quite frankly. Enough of being overlooked and of having his work disregarded, enough of band members that didn’t think twice before excluding him from their talks of which songs to add to their newest album.
More than anything though, he was tired of living in a state of permanent heartache.
Having been in the presence of the person his heart so-desired for more than 10 years Yuu had grown accustomed to playing the cold-hearted bastard, even going as far as to avoid the other man whenever possible. After all, they had been forced to work alongside each other on a near daily basis; learning each other’s finger habits like the back of their hand, performing together – hell, he had even been kissed by him once. And yet, to Yuu it was never enough. In fact, nothing seemed to be fucking enough anymore. It was like a game of chase – how long could he keep on running after his dreams, the band, the person he wanted more than anything in the world, before becoming drained to the core; sucked dry like the water in an arid plain.
-
It was during a band meeting to discuss their upcoming album that Yuu had finally decided that enough was enough. That unless his fellow band members were willing to compromise and give him something, anything to indicate that the trust was still there; that they believed in him still and that he had what it took to be part of a successful and renowned rock band like theirs, he wasn’t going to stick around any longer.
So when he had laid down a suggestion for yet another song and had been shot down once again it was like a string that had finally snapped.
“I’m quitting” he said, voice level and face void of any emotion despite the fact that he was silently breaking up on the inside.
His words didn’t seem to register at first, the other members still talking with Takanori going on about a particular bridge he wanted to place between two of their tracks. Suddenly, pausing mid-sentence, Takanori’s whole body seemed to stiffen before turning his head to look at Yuu – acknowledging him for the first time since they had sat down for the meeting that day.
“You’re what?” he asked, confusion present in his voice and a bewildered expression splayed across his pretty features.
“Quitting” Yuu stated simply. He didn’t have the energy to explain himself, hoping instead that the other members would understand why he would go to such lengths even after all those years together.
“If it’s about the money–“ Yutaka began but Yuu cut him off before he had a chance to finish his sentence.
“It’s not about the fucking money Yutaka, it’s–” he inhaled, searching for patience and the will to explain himself to their leader who was now staring at him with wide eyes. “I just can’t do this anymore, okay? I’m…tired. I just want a normal life. I want to be happy.”
Great, if they hadn’t looked lost enough already now they were really confused and Yuu cursed himself inwardly for not simply picking up and walking out after delivering them the first piece of news.
It wasn’t like he had lied – he was tired after all, and he was unhappy. But more than anything he had been hoping for a resolution – something that could take away those feelings of growing resentment without him having to throw in the towel completely. The truth was, he still loved the band. He loved his band mates as well as their crew; always on hand to help them out with whatever they needed, whenever necessary. He even loved their manager, despite his many scruples, and couldn’t imagine a day without him hauling their lazy asses out of bed and forcing them to behave like proper adults.
During their 10 years of touring and creating music they had had a lot of fun together, only recently celebrating the milestone anniversary with a sold-out concert at Makuhari Messe.
They had made history, the five of them, and had had their faces plastered onto the front page of literally every rock and visual magazine that truly mattered while simultaneously selling out venues all over the world. At one point Yuu had even started to believe he was living the dream.
But dreams could only last so long right?
“You mean, we don’t make you happy?” Kouyou’s hesitant voice broke through the silence and Yuu could have sworn he felt his heart clench in his chest. “If there’s something we’re not giving you… just talk to us? Maybe we can fix it.”
Yuu almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. Here he was, the person causing most of his misery telling him there might be a way to fix this. If only he knew how wrong he was.
“Well, I’ve tried talking to you and you don’t listen.” There was a sort of finality to his voice and as he picked up the neglected papers off the table – songs he had written, notes meticulously scribbled down in black on white, a hand reached out to stop him.
“Yuu” Yutaka began. “Just... sit down. Please. I don’t know what’s going on but I want to understand so if you feel like we haven’t been listening-“
He clenched his teeth, feeling his anger returning full force as he quickly slapped the hand away before standing up, papers in hand.
“You’ll just have to find someone else then. Can’t be that fucking hard can it?” he snapped, turning on his heel and exiting the room, leaving his fellow band members to gape at his sudden outburst.
“I’m leaving too” Kouyou mumbled, pulling his chair out and hoping to catch Yuu before he was too far gone.
“What, you’re leaving the band too?” Akira asked, half-joking but the joke fell on deaf ears as Kouyou only gave him a withering look.
“I’m going to try and talk to him. Maybe as a fellow guitarist I can understand what’s going through his mind.”
Yutaka only sighed and shook his head in resignation. “Let’s hope you have better luck than us.”
-
The hallway was empty when Kouyou exited the meeting room, lights blinding his previously tired eyes but he was now on full alert, needing to find Yuu and to catch him before it was too late - before he up and left the city altogether. After all, he knew how Yuu could be when he was upset - impulsive and hot-headed which was probably the reason he had ended up in Tokyo to begin with.
With haste in his strides he checked the northern exit first but Yuu was nowhere to be found. Turning back he quickened his pace, feeling his breath accelerate with every new step and missed corridor, his heart strumming painfully in his chest.
Pushing open the door overlooking the parking lot Kouyou was just able to catch a glimpse of Yuu before he disappeared, black convertible turning into a blur of steel and rubber amidst the congestion of rush-hour traffic.
“Fuck” he breathed in frustration, pulling out his own set of car keys and hoping that at the very least, Yuu had gone home instead of driving somewhere far, like the beach or perhaps even worse, his hometown in Mie.
20 minutes later and he found himself pulling up to the entrance of Yuu’s apartment. Stepping up onto the anonymous looking doorstep Kouyou inhaled sharply, licking his lips in apprehension as he recognized just how unprepared he truly was.
With a shaky hand he reached forward, ringing the doorbell before coming to a standstill on the straw-colored doormat, waiting and wondering if Yuu would even bother to answer the door.
Several moments passed without Kouyou hearing a sound and he was just about to give up, resign himself to the fact that Yuu had probably gone somewhere else, somewhere closer to home, when the door was suddenly pulled open and Yuu stood there, angrily staring up at him as if he had just committed some heinous crime.
“What are you doing here?” He hissed, somewhat taken aback by the fact that someone – someone being Kouyou, had decided to invite himself over at a time like this.
Even though Yuu had figured there’d be a chance they might try to stop him, he had thought that someone to be Yutaka, their manager, or perhaps even Takanori if all else failed. Never in a million years would he have expected it to be Kouyou who would turn up, braving Yuu’s wrath that was known to be ruthless if push came to shove.
“Uhm… I just…“ Kouyou began, realizing he had no idea why he was even there or what he was going to say.
Yuu, lifting an eyebrow inquisitively stood there for a moment, staring at Kouyou with one hand still on the door. He really wasn’t in the mood to play the waiting game – not when his nerves were already thoroughly shot and his head was throbbing painfully in unjustified revenge.
“Well, if that was all then,” he said, moving to close the door and to once again leave the other man standing out in the cold. “Bye, Kouyou.”
“Wait!”
A hand on the doorframe stopped Yuu from pulling it closed altogether and as he quickly pushed himself inside before Yuu had a chance to stop him, he turned to shut the door, letting himself fall back against the hardened wood.
Yuu could feel his anger return almost instantly, annoyed that Kouyou had chosen this very moment to act so damn stubborn.
After all he had left the meeting in hopes of not having to talk to anyone for the rest of the day only to have the one person he had least wanted to see show up uninvited at his doorstep. He didn’t have the patience, nor the will to deal with this today.
And it wasn’t just because it was Kouyou, though that was definitely part of the reason, but because he had wanted to be left alone – sat in the comforting stillness of his apartment without anyone or anything to disturb him until he was fully ready to face the world again.
“Kouyou,” he sighed irritably “I already told you I’m leaving.”
“But–“
“What more do you want me to say? That I was wrong? That I made a fucking mistake and that I’m ready to go back and apologize? You think you coming here and forcing your way into my apartment is going to change anything?” Yuu paused, gritting his teeth and trying his best not to fling the closest object across the room. The last thing he wanted was to destroy an expensive piece of equipment. Not that it really mattered now that he was leaving the band anyway.
He let out a shaky breath, trying to regain his composure. “There’s nothing left to say and you know it as well as me, Kou. Now go home. Stop wasting my time.”
Kouyou was silent for a moment, a contemplative expression having overtaken his face and he looked like he was in serious thought, weighing out his options. After what seemed like a small eternity he finally spoke, looking to Yuu again with a newfound determination in his voice.
“I can’t let you do it.”
“Excuse me?”
Yuu gaped, staring at the other man incredulously as whatever composure he had been able to regain earlier quickly dissipated into thin air. It seemed wrong somehow, for someone as soft-spoken and withdrawn as the lead guitarist normally was – someone who would rather run for the hills than have to face any kind of confrontation, to actually be trying to talk him out of something.
If anything the whole situation seemed rather absurd to Yuu. After all, all he wanted was a bit of validation; to be seen and heard and paid attention to, maybe a couple extra guitar solos, and yet it could almost seem as if the other members were hell bent on keeping him there, working his ass off at all hours while simultaneously denying Yuu the pleasure of having his work accredited.
It wasn’t even much, what Yuu was asking for. Yet the material he’d been so steadily putting forth over the past years had never seemed to be enough for the other members who insisted on going with Takanori’s ideas, or Kouyou’s almost every single time. Not that there was anything wrong with theirs – his fellow band members were undeniably talented, Yuu had never questioned that. But he was sick and tired of being second best and now all he wanted was a god damn break.
He wanted to say something to hurt the other man. He wasn’t sure why but perhaps it was because Yuu himself had been hurting; hurting for the entirety of the 10 years they had been together. He knew it wouldn’t take much for the dam to burst and for the gravity of his feelings and pent up desires to come crashing down; a flood wave destroying everything in it’s path.
But he was weary. And perhaps it was because he had grown so used to pretending, or maybe because his anger was preventing him from thinking clearly - but Yuu, heaving one last sigh, would rather bury his feelings and leave it all behind than risk hurting himself even more than he already had.
So hoping that Kouyou would somehow take the hint and leave him alone he turned away, heading towards the kitchen in search of a drink. Maybe, just maybe, the alcohol would be strong enough to stave off his boiling rage, or at the very least ease some of the tension he was currently feeling.
He was just about to leave the hallway altogether when a sniffle, pronounced in the silence of the room, caused Yuu to freeze on the spot.
Was Kouyou… crying?
“What are you–“ he started, but this time it was Kouyou’s turn to cut him off.
“You told us we’re not listening to you but right now you’re the one not listening.” The anger in the other man’s voice surprised Yuu, and when he turned around again he could see the moisture glistening in the other’s eyes.
“Every time I try to talk to you, you cut me off… ignore me. I try to call you and you almost never pick up. How am I supposed to tell you things when you don’t even want to hear me out?”
Yuu rubbed his temples at the oncoming headache that was quickly making itself known. “I have my reasons,” he muttered, almost inaudible but it was enough for Kouyou to hear him. He wasn’t in the mood for talking, nor explaining something that to Yuu seemed blindingly obvious. But he was quickly coming to realize that if he didn’t open his mouth and say something, Kouyou was just going to follow him around until he gave up and did just that.
“Reasons like what? Tell me Yuu. Have we not done enough to include you in our band activities – are we not treating you right or…” he paused mid-sentence before biting his lip uneasily, “is it me? Am I doing something that bothers you so much that you don’t even want to be around me anymore? Am I really that annoying?”
Yuu’s eyes widened as Kouyou’s words hit him like a ton of bricks. Did he really think…?
“God Kouyou, how fucking dense can you be? I mean, not just you but… no, especially you.”
Kouyou flinched at the brutality of his statement and Yuu could tell just how much his words were hurting the other, but he was past the point of caring. After all he himself had been hurting for far longer than he were proud to admit and right now he just needed some damn space to mend his stupid heart.
“You know… every day I put in what- 9-10 hours of work? I write, record, produce and sit through the most tedious fucking meetings and yet when the day is done you all pretend I did absolutely nothing.”
Yuu was seething, but now that he had started there was no turning back; not when he was already knees deep in his own self-destruction.
“Then we go on stage and guess who’s stealing the spotlight? It’s you. Because everyone knows you’re the best fucking guitarist in this band Kou. And me? I’m just the sidekick. Compared to you who has those perfect fucking thighs and whorish little outfits you parade around, I really don’t think-“
Smack
A sudden sting to his right cheek left Yuu momentarily speechless, promptly raising a hand to reach up and touch the reddening flesh, glancing up at Kouyou in shock.
“Did you just…?“
“Sometimes I really hate you Yuu” he whispered, voice shaking in a mixture of anger and hurt.
Yuu, still too stunned and slightly taken aback by Kouyou’s out of the blue aggression, simply stood there, lips forming a tight line as he frowned.
A few moments passed before Kouyou decided to speak again, continuing on from before. “The way that you don’t listen and just jump to conclusions? I hate that. And how you’re always trying to sell yourself short while simultaneously making others feel so, so small? Yeah, I hate that too. I hate it so much Yuu.”
Kouyou’s breathing was labored and the intensity in which his eyes were looking into Yuu’s, really looking into him, had a tight knot forming somewhere in his chest.
“But most of all do you know what I hate? I hate that you don’t even think that we trust you, or that we believe in you because god damn it Yuu, we all do. You’re so incredibly talented that I don’t even know where to start sometimes and I just…”
Yuu was quiet, simply staring at Kouyou who’s tears looked like they were about to spill over any moment, but who’s voice was still so heated that Yuu worried for a moment that he might get slapped again. His cheek was still burning from the previous impact.
“I don’t know how to make you understand anymore. How we feel… How I feel.” Kouyou sighed, a somewhat defeated expression having taken over his face, though his hands were still clenched angrily at his sides.
Yuu inhaled deeply, busying himself with watching the rapid rise and fall of the other man’s chest as he pondered what he should do next. After a moment’s hesitation he decided it was safe to speak again.
“You want me to understand? To listen to you? Is that it Kouyou?” he asked, his voice devoid of any warmth, almost as if to mock the other man. “Why should I give a rat’s ass about how you feel? After all aren’t you the one who’s ignored me and treated me like I’m virtually a stranger since the very first day we met? Remember those days?”
Yuu snorted, daring to shoot a quick glance at Kouyou who was now frowning deeply. “I bet you don’t remember, but I do. Asking you out for drinks, calling you to fix that stupid electric cable. I really tried, you know, to be nice to you. And yet you always chose to ignore me, having fun with the others while I stayed behind and kicked it by myself.”
Hearing his innermost thoughts spoken aloud for the first time Yuu realized just how embarrassing he sounded. Yet at the same time he knew he’d been in it too deep, soul too exposed to keep the truth buried much longer. It had only been a matter of time and as much as he wished he could take it all back, repair the damage that had been done, he also knew there was no point in trying to prevent the inevitable.
He’d be gone before the end of the day and they would never see each other again – it was better that way.
Perhaps there were people who could live out their entire lives as a white lie but Yuu wasn’t one of them. He was weak-minded, had a temper and occasionally, on days like today, wanted to disappear altogether in order to nurse his forever-broken heart.
Kouyou, who had been keeping his eyes locked on Yuu since he first stepped into the other man’s apartment faltered slightly but held his gaze even as the other kept on spitting hurtful words, cutting deeper, wounds becoming craters.
“You know Kou,” he muttered “always having to be the number two in this band. I’m sick of it. Living in your shadow, and no- I’m not saying I don’t have fans who love and appreciate me because hell, I’m not so stupid that I can’t recognize a good thing for what it is, but… I’ll never be you.”
“But–“
“Let me finish,” Yuu breathed, teeth clenched so tightly he could feel his jaw becoming sore.
“It’s not just the fans. Do you really think I’m that childish? I’m tired of having to explain myself to you over and over again all because your stupid ass is too thick to get it–“
Yuu could feel his voice starting to crack and quickly turned his head, effectively preventing Kouyou from catching the expression on his face, a familiar sting of tears threatening to give him away. “You don’t know how much it hurts me to have to watch you every damn day and know that you could never be mine. “
For a moment it was completely silent save for the sound of their heartbeats and a distant hum of traffic in the distance.
“Please go,” he whispered, a quiet plea as Yuu suddenly felt himself becoming incredibly drained.