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Being autistic and working in the field could be a precarious mix. On particularly difficult days, it could feel downright dangerous. This was one of those days.
The case was nothing more traumatic or significant than you normally handled, but you stepped into the field that morning already feeling a little raw. By the time the victim was wheeled out of the house on a stretcher and the unsub was loaded into the back of the police car, you were barely holding it together, and a certain colleague of yours just knew. Spencer stood by, watching you with an expression dripping with concern. He knew you were on the verge of total collapse.
Your fingers trembled as you weakly ripped at the straps of your bulletproof vest. The material, once comforting, now felt constricting. Your long sleeve shirt clung to you, and it was suffocating. Your breathing was subtly ragged in a way that most people wouldn’t notice, but Spencer wasn’t most people.
Suddenly appearing beside you, Spencer reached out a hand and laid it on your arm. He didn’t want to startle you, but he needed your attention. Turning you to face him, he looked you in the eyes, and despite your discomfort, you didn’t look away. As your eyes met Spencer’s he saw a look of panic there- one screaming ‘I need to get out!’
“You okay?” He asked quietly.
You shook your head furiously, reaching up again to pull at the now crushing kevlar. Spencer’s eyes showed true concern, and he pulled you forward by the arm. “Hang on. Come with me.” He walked you out of sight of the local police and your BAU colleagues. He leaned in so close that your noses nearly touched. In such close proximity, he could see your eyes starting to glaze over as you spiraled into a meltdown.
“What’s wrong?” He whisper-asked, his voice laced with concern.
“I… can’t… breathe…” You gasped, continuing to rip at the straps of your vest. Your hands shook so violently that you couldn’t free yourself.
Spencer, seeing your panic, spoke more firmly, but not loudly. “Hey. Stop. Let me help you.” He reached up and began expertly removing the tactical gear from your body. He pulled the vest over your head and discarded it off to the side. “Now, take a breath.”
If you heard Spencer, you gave no indication. Despite being freed from the confines of your bulletproof vest, you still felt trapped and without warning slammed your fists into your thighs in frustration.
Spencer leapt into action immediately, grabbing your hands and steadying you. “Look at me,” he said forcefully.
“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t…” You continued to gasp, your mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.
“Hey,” Spencer commanded. “Stop. Stop.”
Hearing his tone shift, your hands dropped to your sides, but your breathing did not even. If anything, it hitched even more as you grappled with the new feeling that Spencer was disappointed in you.
His hand snaked its way up to the back of your neck, steadying you slightly. The coolness of his skin felt good on yours and you let out a nearly imperceptible sigh.
“Breathe.”
Spencer knew he would have to help you work your way out of your meltdown the minute it started. He pulled you into his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around you, not so hard that it would hurt, but enough to ground you. He leaned down so his lips were just millimeters from your ear and whispered, “just breathe.”
You gasped a few more times as your vision grew fuzzy from the sheer force of your hyperventilation. Your whole body felt like it was vibrating, and alarm bells sounded in your brain. Everything screamed danger.
But you weren’t in danger, and Spencer needed you to know that. He rubbed his hand up and down your back before whispering in your ear again. His voice was just loud enough to cut through the haze clouding your brain.
“Just breathe. I’ve got you.”
You suddenly began to cry, turning your head into Spencer’s chest which was still clad in his own tactical vest.
“I’ve got you,” he repeated, now muttering into your hair. “It’s just you and me here. You’re safe.”
Your body continued to shake violently as you sobbed. Spencer had lost count of how many times he’d been in your very same position. He knew exactly what you needed at that moment, and he was more than happy to help if it meant you wouldn’t have to go through it alone.
“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere,” he soothed. “Take a few deep breaths with me.”
You took a shuddering breath at Spencer’s request. The first caught in your throat, but by the third breath things were starting to even out.
Spencer continued to rub your back as he whispered, his voice calm and reassuring, “There you go. The worst of it is over.” He paused, and you felt his warm breath hit your ear as he exhaled. “Keep breathing.”
After a few more breaths, your trembling hands stilled. Spencer could sense that you’d started to settle down. The panic had lessened and you were in a much better place. He patted your back and spoke softly. “There you go. See? You made it.”
You nodded, feeling spent. Your lips parted slightly as you breathed the tension from your body.
“Can you try to talk to me?”
You glanced up then away from Spencer before shaking your head. You knew it was too early to communicate verbally, so you settled on the next best thing. You unwrapped yourself from around Spencer’s body and put just enough space between the two of you that he could see your hand signing “A-A-C.”
Spencer’s face softened in recognition. “Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll get your phone.” He returned a moment later and passed you the device. You quickly signed in and opened your AAC app.
“There you go. Now let’s talk.”
Your fingers hovered over the keys for a few moments. You couldn’t quite find the words to begin to explain how you were feeling. Your eyes flashed up to Spencer’s and gave a pleading look.
“Hey, you don’t have to talk right now if you aren’t ready,” he said softly, pausing, then added, “I know you’ve had a rough day. You can take some time.”
You nodded before methodically typing “I’m sorry.” You hesitated for a moment before tapping ‘play.’ The slightly-robotic AI voice read your message aloud.
Spencer frowned. “You don’t have to apologize. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. I completely understand,” he spoke slowly and evenly. “I know being in the field can be a lot for you. This wasn’t an easy case.” He paused. “But I’m proud of you. You hung in there when it counted and you handled things.”
You heard Spencer’s praise and tears pricked at your eyes. Your lip trembled slightly as you tried to stop yourself from crying. Spencer, perceptive as always, soothed you again.
“Hey, cry if you need to,” he said. “That’s fine.”
With his permission, a few more tears slid down your cheeks. You picked up your phone and typed out another message before hitting play. The AI voice read out, “thank you.”
Spencer’s smile softened even more, if that was possible, when he heard your message. He looked into your eyes and said, “I’m always happy to help you.” He paused for a moment before adding, “I’m so glad we’re friends. I hope you always remember how much I care about you.” His eyes were so full of sincerity and his voice so full of warmth that you couldn’t help but believe him.
The two of you sat in easy silence together for a few moments before you brought your hand up and signed “love you.” Spencer returned the sign with a tiny smile on his lips.
“I’m proud of you. You were amazing out there today. I know it wasn’t easy, but you stepped up to the plate and never once gave up.”
You were once again reminded that when things got tough, when things were dark, you could always turn to Spencer.
And that was enough for you.