Chapter Text
My reflection stared back at me in the tour bus bathroom mirror, my eyes glossed over and sad. The skin on my face was wet from tears and my nose, mouth, and cheeks were tinted red. It was one of those days where I felt uglier than a mangled rat, and I had spent the last half hour crying over my appearance. Thank you, dysmorphia, that's enough, I thought. Was I insecure? No, not unless I was having a bad day. And today had been a pretty bad one.
Thankfully, no one else was on the bus at the moment. They all went out to get some liquor and snacks at the nearby store, leaving me alone for who knows how long. One final tear slipped out as I took in a shaky breath, the kind that rattles your ribs after you'd been sobbing. I wiped my face of any evidence of my sob session and applied makeup in a way I'd usually only do for shows, interviews, and parties. Part of my aesthetic as a musician was to heavily exaggerate my features. My eyeliner covered most of my lid and the wings stretched out pretty far. My lips were overlined and the shape was manipulated. I religiously shaved my eyebrows off just to draw them back on and make them look cleaner, or change the shape of them entirely. The rest was contour that hid my insecurities - for the most part.
Once I was done, I felt a little better about myself. I barely looked like myself, which comforted me greatly. I stepped out of the bathroom and made my way to the couch. There were no new messages when I checked my phone and it had already been over an hour, which left me concerned. They're big boys, they'll be fine, I thought.
The tour bus was pretty spacious for the rental price. It had two couches across from each other in the main area behind the driver's seat, which was behind a wall with a sliding door attached to it. Next to the couch I sat across from was the door, and on the other side was a sink with counter space and a microwave above it. Next to the sink was a weirdly skinny fridge with cabinets above it. Behind me, above the couch I sat on, was a large window. A booth with larger cabinets than those above the fridge was directly next to me. The bathroom was next to the fridge, across from it were cubby-like shelves used for luggage and other personal belongings. Behind that was 6 bunks, 3 on each side. I chose the bottom bunk, which made everyone call me a pussy. It was true, and I wasn't even slightly ashamed of it.
The tour itself had only just begun, there were only 3 shows down so far and a whole America to go. Mostly everyone who was involved with the tour was on the bus, except for the managers and the smaller opening acts. Germ, Max, Pouya, and $uicideboy$ all inhabited the bus with me; the only female on the tour. Honestly, I didn't even notice until Max pointed it out.
Soon enough, I got a call from none other than Oddy; aka Ruby da Cherry, aka Aristos (he hated being called by his first name, though). I picked up and said, "What's wrong? I just sat down." He laughed and I heard yelling in the background.
"Nothin's wrong, baby, I jus' wanteda let you know we on our - aye! Fuck. - we on our way back," he slurred. My heart sped up when he called me 'baby', and I mentally cursed at myself.
"Are you drunk?" I asked. Laughter came from his end.
"I mean... barely. We'll be aight, we good. Don't worry too much," he said. I replied with a slightly concerned 'okay, then.' and hung up.
Ruby was one of my good friends, if not my best friend, on the tour. I knew everyone and got along with them well, but Ruby & I had some sort of deeper connection with a slew of things in common. It was hard to believe that we'd be so close, considering I had turned 19 only six months prior to the tour's start, and he had turned 30 a few weeks ago. There was a big difference between mine & everyone's age, which didn't bother me at all. The fans, however, were another story. Most of them saw no issue with anything that went on (I didn't even gain any sort of clout until I was already 18), but there were a select few that would scrutinize my friends for being so close with a 19 year old. It pissed me off, and annoyed a few of my friends, but I learned to not let it affect me too much.
After a while of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, the door to the bus opened and I was faced with four drunken idiot men - plus one sober Scrim. "Welcome back, guys," I said, barely glancing up from my phone.
"Oooooh, look who got all Vivian Anubis-ed up! You got a date tonight?" Max teased, using my full stage name to describe my makeup. Lowkey it made me feel good about myself, but I'd never let him know that.
"No, just did it for fun," I lied. Max sat heavily beside me on the couch and made a fart noise with his mouth.
"11 at night is a little late to be goin' out on a date with someone," Scrim said. I shrugged my shoulders and internally kicked myself. I had no idea what time it was before he said anything.
"Doubt she'd wear that out on a date anyway, it makes her look like a haunted doll," Ruby said. He sat at the booth, taking things out of plastic shopping bags and leaving them on the table. I glared at him for a second, then laughed.
"Aight, and yo' mullet makes you look like a redneck that beats women and has a confederate flag tattoo on your ass," Germ said. I nearly dropped my phone as I laughed at his comment. I looked over at Ruby and saw him flip us all off as we found amusement in his appearance.
"Fuck y'all," he said. I got up from the couch and went over to him. I put my arms around his shoulders and hugged him from the side as a silent apology. My chest pressed up against the side of his head. "I like the titties on my head, so I guess all is forgiven."
I pulled back. "I didn't say sorry," I said, giving him an amused look.
"Oh, trust me," he pointed to my chest. "These did all the apologizing for ya." I rolled my eyes and hit him upside the head as all the guys made 'ooooh' sounds.
"All yous shut the fuck up," I said, laughing. I sat at the booth across from Ruby and went back to my phone. However, I couldn't quite shake the feeling in my chest from when he was talking about my chest. As the guys all talked amongst themselves, I found myself lost in thought.
I will not trip over a dude who has a mullet, I thought, zoning out with my gaze on my phone screen. Is eleven years older than me, and doesn't wash his hair for weeks because it isn't long anymore and he "technically doesn't have to". I felt my resting bitch face fully in effect as I completed my thought.
"What's wrong, Vivi? You look like someone just sent you a hairy peen pic," Kevin, aka Pouya, said. I blinked and refocused my eyes while turning my face back to normal.
"Nothing, nothing. I just got a lot on my mind," I explained. Kevin gave me a sad look.
"Is it the breakup?" he asked. I sighed, having just forgotten about that.
"It wasn't a breakup... more of a 'breaking off' of sorts. We weren't in a relationship. Plus, she was a little too controlling and didn't understand that I wanted to keep it casual," I said. Kev nodded and helped put some of the shit the guys bought away.
Once everything was away, we decided to drive the bus to a club so the guys could do something fun and not be 'cooped up in the house' as they said. Scott went to bed and I just didn't feel like going out. Plus, not going out meant I'd be able to dye my roots.
"You sure you don't wanna come?' Ruby asked as he hung half out of the bus door. I nodded. "Aight well it's just down the street if you change your mind." and they left.
I slowly walked to the bunks and checked to see if Scrim was still asleep, and surely enough he was. I grabbed my makeup bag from the shelves and went into the bathroom. I took off the big neon green bandana I was wearing and revealed my long, bleached roots in the mirror. My hair itself went down to my waist, which wasn't an accomplishment as I'm only 5 foot, but my roots were easily 4 inches long. I had bleached them the night before and was planning on dyeing them teal. I didn't want anyone to know because I like being dramatic and was gonna reveal it at the next show.
I unzipped the bag and took out my jar of teal manic panic hair dye, then the small brush and aluminum foil. The rest of my hair was a medium grey with washed out thin strands of black scattered in various places. I hoped that the color would look good in combination with my grey, but I wouldn't find out until I was completely done. It didn't take as long as I thought to dye my roots completely and put the foil on it. When I checked my phone, only a half hour had passed.
I exited the bathroom and put my bag back on the shelf, then took out an oversized hoodie I bought at a concert. After carefully pulling it over my head, I took my blanket and tablet from my bunk and sat on the couch where I was earlier.
The hood of my hoodie came up over my forehead, blocking the roots of my hair entirely. I took my dark blue blanket and threw it over my exposed legs. New Girl played from my tablet on Netflix, I was finally able to recharge my social batteries after having to deal with all the guys being around.
Or so I thought.
Just as my show's title sequence ended, Germ & Ruby drunkenly stumbled into the bus. I leaned back into the couch, exasperated. I knew I should've just gone into my bunk.
"Heyyy Vivi! We back like crack," Germ exclaimed. I laughed, but was still visibly annoyed.
"Damn I could go for some crack right now," Ruby said. He carefully walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. "Vivi, you wanna come wit me an' hunt down some crack? I'll pay." His words slurred and his voice slightly broke as he stumbled over to the booth and sat down.
"I think I'm alright," I said. I got up and started walking to my bunk. Before I knew it, I was being pulled by Ruby's calloused hands.
"We goin' back out in a few, Germy hadda pissssssss," he whispered. I smiled at him and gently pulled my arm from his grasp.
"Sorry, Rubes, but I was gonna watch Netflix while I dye my hair. I can't go out," I explained. Ruby gave a fake sad look - or maybe it was real and his drunkenness exaggerated his facial expressions. He gave me puppy eyes and pouted his lip like a child.
"You ain't dyeing your hair, I see it through the hood," he said, changing his expression to one of annoyance.
I pulled my hood down, revealing the aluminum foil on my roots. "I'm only dyeing my roots, genius," Ruby's face dropped and his eyes widened.
"Yooooo, you look like an alien person," he said, reaching for one of the foil pieces. I slapped his hand away and his face scrunched up. "Ow, you bitch! Nah I'm playin', you're a beautiful female person." I rolled my eyes and carried my blanket and tablet to my bunk. I walked back out to where Ruby was and sat down at the booth across from him.
"It's gonna be another hour or so, I already bleached it last night," I said. He furrowed his brows. "That's why I wore that bandana all day today. I didn't want anyone to know." He made an "ohhh" shape with his mouth.
"I'm very honored to know your secret," he said. I laughed and put my hood back over the foil.
"Tell no one," I said sternly. Even though I was joking, Ruby still put his hands up as if I had a gun pointed at him. Soon, Germ emerged from the bathroom and almost fell against the door as he closed it.
"The fuck took you so long?" Ruby asked.
"I been holding my piss in all day, man, there was 'bout a full quart in there," Germ explained. I hid my laughter with my hand that was completely covered by my hoodie sleeve. "Shawty comin' out wit us?"
"Nah she ain't up for it,"
"Wack. Let's go, bitch!" Germ pulled Ruby out by his sleeve and they left the bus once again.
I sighed and walked back to my bunk. I laid down, positioning my pillows so that my shoulders were propped up but my head stayed away from any contact with the surfaces. My blanket once again covered my lower half and my tablet was propped up against the wall of the bus. After about an hour, I got up to check my hair.
I put a beach towel over my shoulders and locked the door to the bathroom. The guys were still out doing who knows what, so I figured I had some time. I opened one of the foil wraps and before I knew it all of them were off and I had the shower nozzle on low. I took it off of the holder and leaned over the small tub, rinsing out the excess dye. I quickly washed my hair and wrapped it in the towel that draped my shoulders and walked out of the tiny bathroom.
My phone buzzed from the booth table and I picked it up, the caller ID displaying Ruby's name. "Hello?" I answered. There was a small fit of coughing in my ear before he replied.
"Yo, uh, we don't - ha! - we fuckin' lost the bus we don't... we don't know where it is," he yelled. I winced at his volume.
"Where are yous right now?"
"By like... um, a gas station or somethin' like that."
"Hey Oddy?" I said in a slightly sardonic tone.
"Yeah, Vivi?" He replied.
I walked over to the couch and opened the blinds on the window. "You're across the street. I see your back. Nice ass, by the way," I said. As soon as the word 'ass' left my mouth, I saw Ruby turn and look at his ass, then turn back to look at the bus.
"Oooh, sorry... we're gonna walk back now," he said. I hung up and closed the blinds.
I usually would've gone out and made some really questionable choices, but obviously I wasn't able to. Thankfully, I was planning on going to bed so that I didn't have to be the substitute mature/responsible one. Scrim usually played that role; he normally was the 'grandpa' of the group as he was the oldest and the sober one.
I heard echoed yelling from afar outside and knew the guys were close. At this point it was almost 2:30 am. I climbed into my bunk after quickly wiping off my makeup and resumed my show. I stripped from my shorts and covered myself with my blanket. I closed my eyes and listened more to the show than the guys coming in and flailing around. They tried to be quiet, but it didn't work too well. I heard my name being called and ignored it by pretending to be asleep. It wasn't long before I wasn't pretending anymore.
I woke up to my tablet screen displaying the "are you still watching?" message. My AirPods had fallen out and I quickly put them back in the case. The towel was still wrapped around my hair and my small blanket was replaced with the brown sheets from the bunk. I exited Netflix to check the time, 4:39 in the morning. I carefully sat up and threw the sheets off of me. I looked around the bus, which was still lit up from the lights that lined the walls in the main area. Scrim and Max slept in the bunks across from me, and I couldn't see Germ or Kevin so I assumed they crashed in the bunks above mine. I took the towel off my head and put it in the laundry bag.
The floor was cold as I walked over to the fridge. As I got closer to it, I heard someone snoring from the couch. I turned my head to the left and saw Ruby laying on his stomach on the leather couch, his face was buried in one of the pillows. I walked towards him, forgetting about the fridge.
"Hey, Ruby, wake up," I said, my voice soft so as to not scare him. I bent down and lightly shook his shoulder. He stirred and moved his head so his face was visible to me.
His eyes opened halfway. "What's up, shawty?" He said, his voice hoarse. I smiled at him and got a strange feeling in my chest. I ignored it and stood up.
"You fell asleep out here, wanna go sleep in your bunk instead?" I asked. Ruby sat upright and rubbed his eyes.
"With you?" He said, taking his hands off his face. "Course I will." I rolled my eyes at him and pulled him up off the couch.
"Not with me, no. I thought you might sleep better in your own bed," I explained. Ruby stood in front of me. He was taller than me by almost 9 inches. I looked up at him as he lightly touched my hair.
"This is the new color?" He asked.
"Just the roots, yeah," I replied.
"It's pretty."
"Thank you."
"You're pretty." He kissed me on the forehead.
"Thanks. And you're drunk still. Go to bed." He looked me in the eyes for a second before nodding and walking over to the bunks.
I took a water bottle from the fridge and went back to my bunk, turning off the lights. Ruby laid in the bunk directly across from mine and waved to me as I climbed into my own.
"Night, Vivi," he said. I said goodnight back and turned onto my side, facing the wall.
A few hours later I woke up to someone pulling the blankets off of me. "Aye, it's brick in this bitch, leave me alone," I yelled. My hands darted up to my head, feeling the fabric of my hood that covered it.
"You're coming with us to get food since you're too fuckin' picky for shit. Come on," Scrim said. I sighed and got up. I checked the time on my phone, 9:07 AM.
"Let me fix my shit real quick," I said. Scrim nodded and I took my makeup bag and a pair of shorts into the bathroom.
I put the shorts on then tied my hair up halfway and tied an oversized black bandana around my head so it hid my roots. I did my eyebrows and tightlined my eyes, then stepped out of the bathroom to see Scrim and Max waiting on the couch.
"You ready?" Scrim asked. I nodded and the three of us walked out of the bus and down the street to the nearest fast food place.
"My vision's still blurry, I can barely read this shit," I said, looking up at the menu.
"Wait, how'd you paint your eyebrows on like that if you can't see?" Max asked. I looked at him briefly and could tell he was being serious.
"I draw them on, first of all, and second of all, I've been doing this shit since sophomore year of high school. It's pretty much muscle memory at this point," I said.
"We next, y'all, hurry it up," Scrim said. After we ordered and paid, we were on our way back to the bus.
"You guys ready for the show tonight?" Max asked as the three of us walked down the empty sidewalks. I shook my head no while Scott let out a quiet 'hell yeah'. They both looked at me and I shrugged.
"I don't like performing all that much. I love seeing fans and shit, but the crowds always send me into a panic," I explained.
Scott playfully hit me on the arm. "You're lying. You did great these past few shows, I always watch. Always," he said. I smiled and shook my head once more.
"You're forgetting I used to be an actress. It's all acting, doesn't mean I'm not internally puking," I said. The guys laughed and started talking more about the tour and everything. I zoned out for the rest of the walk back, my mind was suddenly flooded with thoughts of one specific person.
You dumb whore, I thought. Stop thinking about him. His entire shirt gets drenched in sweat after a concert. The whole. Fucking. Thing. That's gross. You can't like him, so please stop this. My inner voice was right, I needed to stop thinking about Ruby. Obviously, he was attractive, but I definitely did not want to fuck up my friendship. Plus, I was convinced he wasn't very hygienic and also had a girlfriend twice my size. (This was not true)
When we got back to the bus, everyone was out in the living area. Except Ruby, who stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel around his waist. I put the bag I was holding down and turned to go back outside.
"You okay?" Kevin asked, stopping me for a second.
"Yeah, I just need to - yeah," I said, and went out the door. You are so stupid. I sat down on the rough ground where we were parked and put my face in my hands, trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with me.