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It was one of those days where Dazai didn’t want to talk or move or do anything. He felt weak in his body, unable to really get out of bed. It’s not that he was lazy (in normal situations, it would be that), but because he feels like a lost kid, abandoned in a dark room. He doesn’t see any light. What he sees is a dark figure in the corner of his room, despite nothing being there. And Dazai shouldn’t be scared of it. He knows that it isn’t anyone that will hurt him. But his mind keeps telling him that it’s going to get him.
The brunette is curled up in bed, shivering and breathing heavily. His eyes are open but he isn’t processing his surroundings at all. He keeps seeing that non-existent dark figure in the corner, staring at him but with no eyes.
He wants to call out to Chuuya but his boyfriend isn’t home. He wants to cuddle against the warm body and calm his breathing. He wants the presence of Chuuya and Chuuya only. Anyone else would make him scared, vulnerable. But he trusts Chuuya.
An hour passes but it feels like eternity when the front door opens. Dazai doesn’t hear it. The jiggle of keys ring throughout the apartment. But Dazai doesn’t hear it. Footsteps are heard shuffling around until it stops. The knob turns to their bedroom and a familiar, soft voice brings Dazai slightly back to reality.
“Osamu?”
No response.
The bed dips as Dazai feels a hand go on his shoulder. He flinches . But he doesn’t mean to. Dazai knew it was Chuuya. The voice calling his name calmed him down a bit but the sudden touch was enough to pull him back into those deeper, crueler parts of his mind he often wanders to.
“Hey- It’s ok. It’s me. You’re ok.”
But is he really? Dazai still doesn’t respond. He can’t find his voice. He wants to turn around and kiss and hug and smile at the redhead. He wants, he wants, he wants.
“Do you want me to hold you?”
This time, the voice sounds softer than before. It makes Dazai want to cry. But in a good way.
The brunette’s head nods slightly. He is enveloped with warmth within a second. Hands go around his waist carefully, not wanting to hurt him. Dazai will forever be grateful for how soft and caring Chuuya could be. Despite all their little banters now and then, the redhead truly does love Dazai. In a way that Dazai never thought he deserved.
He doesn’t notice it but his breathing has quickened a bit, to the point where the redhead was furrowing his eyebrows with worry.
“Osamu, follow my breathing, ok?”
Dazai feels the slow and steady breaths of his boyfriend. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, following the rhythm of the other’s breathing pattern. After a while, Dazai was able to steady his breathing.
“Do you want me to get you any food? Drink? Blankets?”
There was hesitation in the tone. Chuuya didn’t know if it would be a good idea to leave his boyfriend alone in this state or to find something to keep him comfortable. He’s dealt with this a few times to know what to do but he always wanted to make sure Dazai wasn’t overwhelmed first.Chuuya feels two taps on his hand, signaling that he wants Chuuya to stay with him. They had agreed on some signals or words for when Dazai was in a depression slump. One tap meant ‘yes’ and two taps meant ‘no’.
“Can I kiss you?”
A soft whisper against Dazai’s ears sent shivers down his spine. He didn’t know what to answer. Dazai did want Chuuya to kiss him but…it was still too much.
Two taps again.
“That’s ok, baby. I’ll stay here and just cuddle you. Is that ok?”
One tap.
They stayed like this for a while until Dazai shifted in the bed.
“What do you need, ‘Samu?”
Silence.
“You don’t have to say it. Just tap on my hand, ok? Do you want me to get you anything?”
One tap.
“Ok. One tap for a drink. Two taps for food. Three taps for something else.”
Three taps.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
One tap.
“Ok, let’s get you up. You can lean against this pillow. Is that ok?”
Dazai doesn’t respond but he slowly moves his body, at least he tries to, and sits up, leaning against the pillow Chuuya had put behind him. “That’s a good boy. You’re doing great.” Chuuya ruffles Dazai’s hair which brings out a small smile on Dazai’s face. “There’s that beautiful smile I love so much. Are you feeling overwhelmed right now?”
The brunette shakes his head.
“That’s good. Ok, what movie do you want to watch?”
Dazai turns his head, widening his eyes. It wasn’t out of fear, no, but it was excitement . There was one movie that the brunette would always pick and never got bored of no matter how many times he had watched it. “Aww. Someone’s excited~. Alright, let’s watch Wall-E.”
Dazai’s cheeks turn pink at the teasing, but he nods.
Chuuya grabs the remote from the bedside table and turns on the TV. As he searches for the movie, Dazai is playing with Chuuya’s free hand. It’s soft and gentle when holding Dazai but still calloused and weathered from the guitar playing the redhead often does. It makes him feel safe and protected . Chuuya’s hands aren’t weak, but they’re strong.
It’s a lot different than his hands.
Dazai’s hands are bruised and scarred from the years of horrible events that are etched into his mind, never leaving him like a leech on his skin. Not only were his hands like that, his body was even worse. The handprints that were left on his body were still there, but only as a ghost. It all follows him to the present no matter how many times he’s tried to forget. No matter how much he wants to forget.
“‘Samu? Are you with me? I found the movie.”
And just like that, those negative thoughts flooding his mind vanishes. He looks up from Chuuya’s hand and nods, turning his attention to the TV. The movie starts playing and the sound isn’t too loud or too quiet. It’s perfect . Just how Dazai likes it. This time, Dazai finds it hard to concentrate on the movie. His fingers were fiddling with both of Chuuya’s hands now and his mind was racing a million miles per second. Chuuya notices this. He notices everything about Dazai. From the way he talks when he’s excited to the way he gets quiet when he’s not feeling himself. And this time, he couldn’t tell what Dazai was feeling. After so many years together, this was a rare moment when Chuuya was confused on what to do.
“Baby? Is the movie too much?”
Dazai shakes his head. The movie was fine. It was a nice background noise. But he didn’t want to focus on the movie. He reaches to his bedside table and grabs his phone, unfortunately letting go of Chuuya’s warm hands in the process.
Mackerel
was just thinking
Chuuya understands instantly and grabs his phone as well, reading the message.
Slug
about what?
Mackerel
chuuya’s pampering me a lot…
Slug
that’s because you deserve it
Mackerel
and chuuya understands me…
i’m very grateful…
thank you, chibi
Slug
you don’t have to thank me, ‘samu.
i’m doing this because i love you
Mackerel
but there are still things you don’t have to do
and yet you still do them
Slug
of course i do.
you’re my best friend
my lover
and my everything
Mackerel
you’re so cheesy…
Chuuya rolls his eyes playfully and he hears a small giggle. Dazai is smiling.
Slug
but i got you to giggle
Mackerel
that’s because i love everything you do
Slug
now who’s the one being cheesy?
Mackerel
can i tell you something?
Slug
of course, ‘samu.
Mackerel
i really do love everything you do
the simple things you do to make me feel better
how you put up with … all of this.
typing…
you make me…feel worth something
i used to always feel worthless
typing…
‘cause i was always just used and then thrown away
but you make me feel like i’m not just a toy
typing…
you make me feel loved
Slug
oh, ‘samu…you’re not worthless at all.
i still don’t know much about your past
and i’m not pressuring you to tell me
but i know enough to tell you that you won’t ever
be treated like that again
i won’t let it happen
ever again
ok?
just like how i’ll never leave your side
you’re stuck with me like how i’m stuck with you.
Mackerel
pinky promise?
Chuuya lifts his head up to meet Dazai already staring at him expectantly. The redhead holds up his pinky finger and Dazai does the same.
“I pinky promise.”
Dazai nods and leans his head so it’s resting on Chuuya’s shoulders.
“I love you, Osamu.”
Chuuya feels something being traced on his arm. He looks down and sees Dazai’s fingers tracing out the words “I love you too, Chuuya.”