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Some days were like this. She would wake with an itch. A burning in her skin that told her to wash herself away.
Cold; too cold. The frozen water of the shower would beat down on her skin and sting with every icy drop. She would use a steel wool pad to scratch and score away at every inch of her body until she was pink and raw. When she would shampoo her hair she would scrape her nails along her scalp, over and over, until she could pull her hands away and see blood on her fingertips. Then, she would watch emotionlessly as the pink blood-stained bubbles swirled down the drain. Using the rough scrub brush she would rub at her face, already scarred from so many showers like this before. The fragile scars would open again, leaking tiny droplets of blood. She would stay in the frigid water until her lips turned blue and she couldn’t feel her body.
Some days were like this. That burning in her skin told her to wash away who she was now… hoping to find who she once was under the dead skin cells.
When she was dry and clothed, but didn’t feel any more pure than before, she looked at the clock. The team should all be out doing their own things. She should be safe to scurry to the kitchen for a snack before hiding her abused body in her room.
She snuck down the hallway silently, but stopped abruptly in the entryway to the kitchen when she saw Bucky there making a late breakfast.
He only glanced up for a moment, catching her horrified look, before looking down at his eggs, “What’s wrong?”
Her voice was small and trembling, “Wh-why are you here?”
His eyebrows scrunched together as he slid the eggs onto a plate, “I always sleep in on Sundays,”
“It’s Sunday?” she whispered, more to herself.
“Yeah, nobody’s seen you since Friday… we were getting worried,” he finally looked up and saw her inflamed skin.
“Don’t worry about me,” her voice was hollow and almost robotic as she walked past a shocked Bucky and peered into the fridge, “Do we have any juice?”
“Second shelf,” he answered quickly, “What happened to your arms?”
“Nothing,” her voice was sharp, but still quiet. She looked through the juice selection and shrugged, fruit punch should do. She set the jug on the counter and opened the freezer, pulling out a bottle of some sort of fruit flavored vodka.
“Whoa there, ‘Tony’,” Bucky teased, grabbing the bottle away from her, “What’s wrong. What happened?”
“Nothing. Give me the bottle,”
“Not until you talk to me,”
She glared at him at pointed a finger his direction sending a tiny spark of electricity into his stomach, enough to make him jump and drop the vodka, which she caught before it hit the ground. She poured the glass almost full of vodka before looking at the juice. With a shrug, she poured more vodka and then drank the whole cup down straight.
He wanted to grab her arm and take the bottle, but her skin look like it would rip with the slightest pressure, “What the hell happened.” His voice was much more demanding than before.
She leaned her elbows on the counter, looking away from him and staring at the cabinet in front of her, “I can’t find her,” she paused to take a deep breath, “I can’t find the person I used to be. I tried to scrub me away to find her but she wasn’t there, she never is,” her voice could barely be considered a whisper, it was so quiet, “I think she’s gone for good,”
She trusted him because he was one of the only people who would understand. They came to the team around the same time. She came in handy when he would have a lapse back into Soldier mode, she would electrify his metal arm and short it out. It would make him easier to restrain, especially if it confused him for a moment. They grew close. Him, thanking her for always stopping him. Her, thanking him for giving her a job to do… a purpose.
“Good,” Bucky said softly, when she turned to him he reached to touch her cheek, but when he touched her she winced in pain and he pulled his hand away, “We don’t need her, we need you. I like this girl better anyway,”
She smiled a sad little smile and held his hand, one of the only parts of her that didn’t sting so much. The pain would go away in an hour or so as the swelling went down.
“Eggs?” he offered holding out a fork-full. She nodded and took the bite thankfully, “Are you gunna go MIA again?” his question sounded sad, and when she nodded she could see the sadness in his eyes.
She looked down for a moment before whispering, “You can come hide with me… if you want,” when she looked up he was smiling brightly.
“Absolutely! Just let me finish breakfast, I’ll be there in a minute,” he kissed the top of her head very carefully before she walked away down the hall again.
They were very loving toward each other, and the rest of the team would tease Bucky for it… but not her. The others always said there was something more, and if there wasn’t yet, there would be. She would fall asleep on his shoulder or in his lap on movie night, and he would run his fingers through her hair. He was prone to giving her a quick kiss on the forehead or holding her hand every now and then to calm her down. They supported each other and cared for each other. Bucky was the best friend she’d ever had.
She shuffled into her apartment, “Jarvis? Only let Bucky in today,”
“Yes, miss,”
She took a few pillows from the bed and tugged a huge blanket along the floor behind her as she went to the couch. Movies; movies should distract her. When Bucky finally came in, she was curled on the couch flipping through the database of movies Tony had streaming to the TV’s. The moment Bucky sat down she cuddled up next to him and put her legs across his as she pulled the blanket over them.
He shook his head laughing as he put his arm around her, “What are we watchin?”
She looked up at him shyly, “Will you watch Disney with me?”
He sighed dramatically, throwing his head back against the couch before looking back at her with a smile, “Of course, we can watch whatever you want,” he was indifferent to Disney movies, but the smile she gave him and the way she snuggled back into his shoulder would be worth the singing mice.
He loved her. He knew she loved him… but he wasn’t sure if it was platonic or romantic on her side. But at the same time, he didn’t care either way, as long as she was in his life and they could spend time together… that was enough for him.
He sent the team a group text that he was with her and that she was ok.
TS – Remember, don’t rub Sparky too fast, you don’t want to build up static!
CB – But you gotta rub fast to get that magnetic field going
TS – Shit, You’re right. But you don’t want a magnetic field around a metal arm…
CB – Well, it could keep him where she likes…
NR – If you two don’t shut up…
SR – Happy she’s ok.
TS – Rubber for protection!
CB – Damn, he beat me to that one!
NR – I will kill you both if you don’t stop blowing up my phone. Take your pun-fest to a private chat.
Bucky chuckled lightly while shaking his head, mostly just enjoying the fact that Steve completely ignored the rest of the conversation. Banner never replied, he was probably busy and Thor wasn’t on earth at the moment. She yawned and tilted her head back to look up at him with a smile.
“How is everybody?” he voice was dreamy, like she could fall asleep right there.
“Good, talkin’ shit,”
“Stark and Barton?”
“Always,” he laughed.
“I have a question… a hypothetical question,” she whispered.
“Ok? What is it?”
“If I wanted to kiss… someone… you for example… how would you react to that idea… hypothetically?” she said slowly.
“Well, I kiss you on the forehead all the time…”
“I was, hypothetically, thinking more in the hypothetical mouth region,” she smiled.
He made an exaggerated thinking face, “Well, my answer comes in two parts: One, if you say ‘hypothetical’ again I’m going to steal those jellybeans you’ve had hidden under the blanket this whole movie,”
“I would never do such a thing!” just then the bag shifted and made a crinkling noise and she frowned, “Ok, I might have done such a thing… what’s part two?”
“Ah, part two,” he smiled, “You’ll have to pay attention for this answer,” he dipped his head down to touch his lips to hers softly. She sat up straighter to kiss him more fully before pulling away with her eyes closed and a smile.
“Very good hypothetical answer,”
“That’s it, those jellybeans are mine,” he laughed as she jumped off of the couch and ran across the room he stood slowly and followed at a slow pace that always reminded her of a cat hunting.
“No!” she giggled and threw a jelly bean at him. He was able to catch it in his hand and pop it in his mouth.
“How about we share then?” he walked closer slowly and she didn’t run away.
“Only if I get an elaboration on that second answer,”
He stood in front of her and touched her cheek, “That can be arranged,”
She set the bag of candy on the coffee table and wrapped her arms around his neck as she kissed him with a smile. For the first time, a spark went through her rather than someone else. She suddenly realized she wasn’t trying to wash away her new self… but her old self, the left-over bits of a broken girl. And when that little spark went through her, it knocked all of those broken bits away and she felt clean again.
Now, some days were like this. She would wake with that itch. That burning in her heart to roll over and wake him up with sweet jellybean kisses.