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“Fix your berries.”
“Felix, please,” Dimitri complained, “there’s no need for all this.” He still leaned down to give Felix better access to the holly wreath entwined in his shaggy blonde hair.
It was Dimitri’s fault, as usual, Felix thought uncharitably. What sort of Winter Envoy went out looking less than perfect anyway? The coldest season already had an unpleasant reputation, and here Dimitri was, making it worse by looking as though he’d rolled out of a snowbank, ran through a forest, and then proceeded to cover himself in decorations willy-nilly like some tacky tree instead of a being that demanded respect and affection.
Felix adjusted a button, a line of fur, and for good measure he rubbed a spot of dirt on the corner of his gleaming silver breastplate. “You have your spare dagger?”
“And the spare ice blades. And the skeleton key, as you desire.” Dimitri nodded towards the small teal bag knotted to his sleigh. “I also remembered to bring extra gloves, per your request.”
“Good.” Felix nodded, content with just how kingly Dimitri looked. “Don’t be reckless.”
“I give you my word.” Dimitri said with a slight quirk of his mouth, as though they hadn’t been repeating the same conversation for roughly a millennia or more. “I will miss you every moment I am away.”
Felix scoffed. “Will you now?”
He knew it was coming. He always did. But his pride still demanded he flail about and squawk in annoyance as Dimitri swept in, wrapping his too-long arms around Felix and pulling him close right up against his fur-lined chest, their lips meeting in a deep, long, affectionate kiss.
Flushed, Felix finally pulled away to try and get some measure of control and dignity back. He pushed - gently - against Dimtiri’s chest and directed his attention to the much safer sleigh. “Get going then. I don’t appreciate lateness.”
Dimitri laughed and waved, and then he was heading out.
The thing about marrying an immortal, abstract concept of human belief was that it always came with caveats. Little things, sometimes, like expectations or tradition . Larger things, like suddenly having powers for no damn reason that made no damn sense like making perfect hot chocolate that you didn’t even like.
Felix didn’t mind the bit about living in the frozen north. He even enjoyed the fresh snow and the little glittering flakes as they drifted downwards. In fact, he downright preferred snow and ice to the humid tropics whenever Dimitri got it in his head to suggest some vacation trip for a few months. At least with snow, enthusiastic tourists tended to stay away and not clutter up the scenery. Snow was quiet. Snow was calm. Snow did not come with sunburns or jellyfish.
The elves didn’t actually sing or dance like children believed. They weren’t even that charming, as they were the olden days type that would just as happily trap someone in a party for a century than give them gifts. But they were efficient at what they did, and Felix admired efficiency.
And Dimitri - Felix wouldn’t be doing the entire holiday business if Dimitri wasn’t worth it. That was a given.
That only left the boars.
And the boars -
Felix sometimes wished he could go back in time, find whichever foolish mortal decided to connect boars to the human(esque) incarnation of the season and the tradition of giving presents and snow, and threaten them a bit. Snow leopards existed, and were a much better fit. Or a polar bear - polar bears were threatening enough. Maybe even oversized foxes.
But boars. Boars were troublesome. Boars were stubborn and smashed into everything. Boars were sneaky, and always in ways that tested Felix’s patience.
And tonight, of all nights, they were restless.
Not even in the normal, Dimitri-did-not-exercise-them-enough way where they only needed to rampage for a bit in the nearby frozen forest. This was a particular brand of restlessness that meant they were uneasy, and that meant trouble.
Dimitri-shaped trouble, because the beasts only cared about Dimitri to begin with.
Felix went right to the edge of the fence and tapped his fingers lightly against the heavy wood. He glanced around, noting just how many little tails were flapping back and forth. There were far too many of them - only eight were necessary to pull the sleigh, but Felix counted over thirty boars of various sizes and shapes.
And they were all on edge.
“Oi.” Felix raised his voice. “Tiberius.”
Tiberius, the largest and most imposing of the bunch, raised his huge head.
Felix didn’t know where Dimitri even found him, aside from that Dimitri considered it a mercy to bring the poor thing home and nurse him back to health. Back then though, Tiberius was a tiny little runt, barely able to charge into anything.
Now - well, perhaps there was a reason Tiberius was an outcast in his home. Between the bright, bloody pink eyes and the four curling tusks, he was less boar and more beast indeed.
Then again, Dimitri always did have a soft spot for unholy things.
“What’s he gotten into now?” Hopefully not another chimney collapse. Felix had opinions about chimneys.
Tiberius bobbed his head up and down, snorting. He folded his ears flat and kicked one hoof deep into the ground.
Very well then.
“Give me a minute.” Felix turned, making his way swiftly back to the warmly-lit home he and Dimitri shared.
(Which was not, generally speaking, made of candy canes or sugar treats. Felix and Dimitri picked out a very lovely, dark wood that was decidedly not edible. Humans were strange indeed.)
Felix slid on his thick, black boots. After a moment, he selected his favorite ermine coat - a gift Dimitri made by hand upon their three hundredth wedding anniversary.
And then, on instinct, he reached for his white sword.
The sword.
Felix tucked the sword into his belt and went to the door. He tugged his hood over his head and stomped back to the enclave. He snagged a thick saddle from the edge of a fence and sighed.
Dimitri made him stupid sometimes.
“Okay.” Felix lifted the latch on the enclave gate and swung it open. “Come on then.”
Tiberius swaggered out, grunt-growling at some of the other boars that tried to escape as well. The rest backed off, and Felix shut the gate and glowered at the rest.
“Behave yourselves.” Felix said as he slipped the saddle over Tiberiuss’ spine. “No mess when I get back.”
Tiberius grunted.
Felix settled down and leaned forward to grip the edges of the huge, curled tusks. They were easy enough to grip, but he wasn’t worried about falling anyway. He’d already done enough falling for a lifetime.
“Okay.” Felix tugged lightly on the right tusk. “Let’s get going then.”
Tiberius launched himself up, up, up -
And they were off.
The world looked much smaller when you were in the skies. Felix used to feel disconnected from it all, at least until he’d met Dimitri. He was a different person then.
Then again, so was Dimitri.
Tiberius swung around, heading southwest, moving at preternatural speed only accessible for creatures that could bend time to their own whims. Felix reached up to move his hood tighter as Tiberius made one high-pitched squeal and dived downwards, the wind and ice whipping harmlessly around them.
They landed in some town Felix could only call quaint . There were bright lights strung up along the street, and the houses were spread out in suburban order. A light dusting of snow covered the roads and sidewalks, but there weren’t any fresh tire tracks to indicate vehicles driving around.
There were, however, strange footsteps. Felix frowned, sliding off of Tiberius as the boar shook himself and snorted. They moved closer towards the footstep tracks, Felix raising an eyebrow in confusion.
They looked - shambling.
Drunken idiots, perhaps?
Felix followed the steps, glancing back and forth for signs of Dimitri. He usually parked not on top of a roof, but instead beneath thick trees and let his natural magic do the heavy lifting. Not that there were too many thick trees around in the middle of town.
Felix stopped as he heard a groan to his left behind the fence. Someone moaning perhaps? Or someones. At least three, if not more and -
He turned towards the back corner of the fence -
And jumped backwards as some unfamiliar, semi-rotted hand swiped at him.
Felix pulled his sword free, instinctively swiping forward as some human-shaped thing rattled forward, crooked mouth open as it made a guttural gurgle.
Its eyes were empty, grey cloudy things. Its teeth were yellowed and all wrong. And it smelled like decay and earth.
And it was trying to eat Felix.
Felix had a long, long time to perfect his swordwork. He also was not in the mood to deal with whatever nonsense was going on. Felix ducked, turning his sword around to jab into the creature’s belly as he cracked his hand into the slightly askew jawline. The thing fell downwards, twitching -
Felix quickly sliced the head off and the thing - the zombie - flopped uselessly to the ground.
Tiberius shrieked, darting forward to ram his tusks into one of the other’s crackling knees. Felix followed, quickly taking the shambling corpses down as though they were paper.
“Great.” Felix muttered, searching around. Just great.
Zombies.
On Winter Solstice no less!
“Oi!” Felix barked, looking around for a light, or boar prints or - anything. “Dimitri!”
No answer.
He wouldn’t be waylaid by something as simple as zombies , surely. Zombies were just puppet corpses, pulled along by another’s string which meant -
Which meant there was something nastier and darker in the town.
Tiberius darted ahead, turning left and then right towards a huge townhouse full of trees and surrounded by iron fencing. Felix gripped to his sword and hustled behind, thinking of just what exactly could be going on that would occupy Dimitri’s time and attention.
And safety.
And indeed, there were quite a few more zombies, their clothes as rotted as their skin as they tried to gather around something.
Someone.
Someone wielding a garden hoe and doing his very best to defeat the horde without actually harming them.
Felix growled, brandishing his own weapon. The zombies didn’t notice him at first - not until he lopped one of their heads off and kicked another.
And then it was on.
“Felix!” Dimitri said as he jabbed his garden hoe into one of the attacking zombies. “Are you safe?”
“Are you being foolish on purpose?!” Felix snapped as he swung his sword around, knocking two of the zombies into each other. He made a beeline for Dimitri, sliding up against his solid back as they fought together. “Aren’t you supposed to be delivering presents or something?”
A zombie groaned and yanked at Felix’s coat. Felix kicked it.
“Felix, there are people here.” Dimitri said far too reasonably and Felix would not fall for it. Not at all. “They are in danger.”
“So are fools who try parachuting for the first time.” Felix grumbled as he sliced off another head. At least they were old zombies, given how quickly they crumbled into dust. “Oi. Why didn’t you contact me?!”
“You said you hate cellphones.” Dimitri whacked a zombie in the temple, right into Felix’s waiting weapon. It flailed around, caught between them as Dimitri swung another into Felix’s range. “And I didn’t want you to worry.”
“ Worry ,” Felix sniped, ready to turn his blade on his husband. “You’re fighting zombies.”
They took down the last one with one quick, synchronous strike.
“I can handle them.” Dimitri said, breathing deep as he looked around. “See?”
Felix stomped closer, ready to give Dimitri a proper tongue-lashing, and not the kind Dimitri actually enjoyed. Really, what was he -
Felix stopped, reaching up to touch a red spot on Dimitri’s temple. He brushed his gloved thumb against it, something unsettling rising in his stomach as he recognized blood.
It had been a long, long time since Dimitri had bled.
As if reading his thoughts, Dimitri reached up, curling his fingers around Felix’s wrist. He held Felix’s hand close, leaning in to the touch and nuzzling against Felix’s palm as though to settle him down.
“I really am all right.” Dimitri soothed and indeed, the wound on his head was already healing and fading away. “But it is good to see you.”
He was alive.
And safe.
At least as long as Felix was around, Felix reminded himself.
“So why zombies?” Felix looked around, listening for any more threatening groans. If he focused, he could feel them limping about - dark blotches against an otherwise bland landscape. But it didn’t pinpoint why .
That bothered him far, far too much.
“I don’t know. But I didn’t want to ride away until I was sure.” Dimitri kept their hands entwined and turned, surveying the rest of the area. “I was able to get a few families underground and locked up, although um - I don’t think the parents were happy to see the Winter Envoy defeating a revenant.”
“Well, children are bound to learn unpleasant things sooner or later.” Better they have the perspective that the Winter Envoy was a warrior, as sharp and cold as the ice itself, than the fluffy cheerful creature that sat around in malls all day long. That was more like the old legends.
“Mm, I will leave them extra cookies.” Dimitri glanced down at a shriek and a snort. “Oh. Hello Tiberius.”
Tiberius snorted and stomped one of his hooves. He turned his whole body, boar-tail wagging as best it could.
“He was worried.” Felix said dismissively.
“Just him?”
“Hmph.” Felix yanked Dimitri’s hand before he could say anything else. “Let’s go figure this out.”
Zombies, like certain other supernatural beings, were unnatural. Unlike deities or incarnations or certain more (or less) holy creatures, zombies had to be made, and usually through dark magic and selfish desires.
That made a trail, if you knew how to look for it.
And Felix and Dimitri were very, very good hunters. Dimitri, of course, because in the olden days the Winter Envoy was seen as the hunter of the sun and heat and the slayer of wild beasts beneath the snowy trees.
And Felix -
Felix chose not to dwell on the past, so much as what was in front of him.
He and Dimitri wove through the empty streets and sidewalk, cutting through the random zombies as they tried - pathetically - to take a chomp on their flesh. As though either Felix or Dimitri would stand for such indignity!
But the horde were coming in from a certain direction, and the closer they got, the more Felix could smell the oily stench of dark magic staining the air.
Dimitri gestured towards an old, crumbling church at the end of a street. Above it, there was a whirling cloud of blackened nothing and below it -
Below it they could see the rattling groans of undead being called upwards.
“Are you going to be fine?” Dimitri asked, squeezing Felix’s hand. “I am perfectly capable of - “
“Getting yourself into more trouble.” Felix answered. “I can handle a little bit of wood.”
“Still, th - “
Felix bumped his hip. “Stop talking. This is nowhere near as bad as the year you got stuck on that deserted island because one of your boars was too obsessed with truffles.” The elves had to step in to deliver gifts in the interim and, Felix recalled, elven gifts were always just a little too clever for children.
Or parents.
“We weren’t even trapped that long.” Dimitri stopped short as they approached the black, iron gate. “But I knew you would find me eventually.”
Felix always found him.
He always would.
Dimitri swung the gate open and approached the church, Felix just a step behind.
Inside was dark, save for the scrabbling sound and the zombies crawling upwards from a pit near the floorboards. And in front, right near the altar -
Felix narrowed his eyes.
It was a greasy teenager wearing black and nailpolish. He clutched to some ancient tome, the papers glowing dark purple as his hand hovered over the words.
He looked up, startled to see Dimitri and Felix there, but the shock turned to irritation.
“You dare interrupt me?” His voice was wobbly, torn between fear and excitement in equal measure. “I’ve got my own zombies! And soon - soon I will summon a dark lord fallen angel to do my bidding! And you, you’re nothing but a cheap mall Winter Envoy!“ The teenager pointed his finger towards the two of them and the zombies responded, shambling forward -
Felix’s patience was far too thin for this.
He gripped his sword and pulled his hood down and let himself be .
The shadows rose, going directly around Felix as his shape went sideways. They formed a mimicry of six black wings, all of them writhing and twisting as flames licked upwards around Felix’s feet. His eyes went black - his teeth sharp, any semblance of humanity stripped away.
You truly want a demon? Felix asked in a voice that sounded like shrieking flames and the screams of the damned. You have been very naughty this year indeed!
The teenager yelped, nearly dropping the book as Felix grew and grew, crowding around the church as his formerly angelic form took on more and more strange angles. His sword started to flicker into a void of nothingness, dragging any remaining light towards it.
Naughty kids get coal - and to eternally burn. Is this not what you desired? Felix asked, positively looming as the teenager squeaked and dropped the book.
It burned as it touched the ground, just as the zombies all flailed and flopped back beneath the floorboards, smoke curling all around their already-disintegrating bodies.
And Dimitri -
Dimitri touched Felix’s leftmost hand.
“Felix, he is just a child.”
Felix turned all of his heads. And? He wanted to summon a demon, so here I am.
In front of them, the teenager dropped to his knees, mouth open, squeaking in terror.
“For me? For Winter Solstice?” Dimitri said, gentle, coaxing, “You remember what we talked about the last time?”
Felix sighed.
It sounded like a hiss of snakes all about to pounce.
Dimitri’s stupidly blue eyes made him irrational. Made him emotional . Made him remember morals and empathy and warmth and all the things that made his existence better.
Felix shrunk down, once again bundling into his ermine cloak as he glowered at the quivering teenager. “Don’t ever play around with black magic or books again. It rots your brain.”
The teenager nodded, shrinking back even more.
Dimitri pulled Felix close to rub at his shoulder, still sensing his husband was irate. “Unfortunately, this does leave you on the naughty list. But I hope you act better next year.”
They both left, unsurprised to see Tiberius and the other boars waiting patiently outside.
Dimitri glanced down at his watch - a pointless endeavor, given that they didn’t exactly adhere to the rules of time or space to begin with. “I am a little late now.”
“You are.” Felix grumbled.
“Would you like to ride with me the rest of the way?”
Better than riding back on Tiberius, at least.
Despite all his grumblings, there was something downright nostalgic about riding with Dimitri in his sleigh. Felix allowed himself to relax, leaning in against his husband as Dimitri pulled his cloak tighter around Felix’s shoulders.
It made him think of how they met, so so many centuries ago when Felix fell and Dimitri was -
Learning.
“Thank you.” Dimitri murmured, nuzzling against Felix’s hair. “For coming for me.”
“The boars were being annoying about it.” Felix answered blithely.
“Ah, I see. How terrible of them.” Dimitri kissed Felix’s head. “You were so brave to look out for those concerned creatures.”
“Flattery won’t work.” Felix squeezed Dimitri’s knee. “Hurry up and finish so we can both get our present once we get home.”
Dimitri’s smile really was the most beautiful thing in the universe.