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The things was, to be willing to sacrifice so much and be ready to take so many risks, you had to fucking love it.
It was said that people are addicted to what they cannot possess, but that wasn’t her case; she had always been determined to get whatever she wanted. She was addicted to the rush that came with doing whatever it took to get herself where she was meant to be.
She wanted the restaurant, the stars and to be the best. She wanted Carmy as well; she wanted it all. And she knew she could get it, she just had to shred herself to the bone and give her entire life in exchange for it. No big deal, right? The results would be beyond what she could imagine; it would be worth it.
She was ambitious; too much for her own good according to her dad, and she had failed before but that didn’t hold her back. How many people had failed, over and over again before reaching unimaginable success? Success was not something that came easy; if not, everyone would be a prestigious well-known chef. But Sydney was sure she had what it took to get it; no one was as determined as her. She could feel it in her veins, all around her body, a buzzing that only she seemed to have because no one wanted things as much as her.
She got her body used to working on little sleep because she needed time to plan ahead and have everything under control; so less sleep for her it was then. She could cope with that. She could deal with anything that it took; it felt like nothing could last for too long between her and her goals.
When she was young, she used to dream a lot. Her most recurring dream was that she could fly; she could do it without wings, without anything to assist her. It was just her, as herself. The skies welcomed her like she was meant to be so high; she was meant to touch the clouds with her fingertips and be part of the sky. Everytime she had that dream she felt unstoppable, but it started to happen a little less often each year.
Sometimes she believed that if she thought really hard about it before going to bed, that she would be able to dream again. She tried until reaching an embarrassing age and she told herself that if it happened again it would be on its own; not forcing it.
She stopped dreaming and it felt terrible, but maybe it was because she was focused on making her dreams come true. She didn’t want them to be fantasy anymore, she wanted them to become her reality, so there was no use in staying in her mind and fantasizing about what she wanted to achieve.
More than a decade later, she could still remember those dreams in such vivid detail. She felt light, weightless; she could defy gravity. It was a breathtaking freedom that gave her pure joy when exploring the skies on her own. She could go over buildings, the city, even the sea. Sometimes she didn’t fly but she stayed suspended in the air; just staying still, watching how life continued beneath her and the land spread.
She was very young when she had those dreams, but she not once felt scared. While dreaming, she never doubted herself and she trusted her abilities blindly; she was able to stay suspended in the air and fly through the clouds after all. Her body was overflowed with energy and her heart bursted for how exhilarating it all felt. She was confident she could reach whatever part of the world she chose while flying, all she had to do was focus on it and it would happen.
Maybe those dreams were what gave her so much confidence about herself. Maybe that was why no matter how much she failed, she still felt like she could deal with any hardships life threw at her. Nothing was terrible enough for her not to keep trying, because at the end of the day she was determined to reach her destination.
“Hey, Syd, wake up.” There was a warm hand on her shoulder, a soothing voice very near.
“Syd, c’mon, it’s late.” Her neck felt stiff, she fell asleep on her arms spread on the office’s desk.
“Mmh? What time is it?”
“Late, let’s get you home.” Carmy said and she wished she had dreamed while nodding off.
Planning the opening was breaking her faster than what she could recover. While in her house, she collapsed on her bed and before she could tell, she was up again. Rise and shine and do it all over again, Sydney, but this time, better.
She wished she had dreamed while opening The Bear; God knew she could use the strength. But sacrifices helped to achieve her goals and soon the restaurant was open and months away from thriving. It only took her blood to decorate all the walls, her sweat and tears adding season to every plate that they prepared and she was on the road to get that star.
She wanted to dream. She was addicted to that feeling; and only a few things gave her a taste of it. Her main supply was handling so much at work, being under so much pressure and stress that her hands shook and her stomach wanted to empty itself. Ending the day in success sent her to a high; it felt so good that it didn’t matter if she couldn’t keep food down or if she had to add another hole to her belt. It was a different kind of high and feeling than her dreams but it worked well enough.
“You can’t control everything, Syd.” Carmy told her.
Watch me.
Navigating the orders and making everything flow was an actually insane taks and she loved it. She controlled everything in the expo and she truly felt like the captain of a ship. Maybe even like a captain of a flight that was dancing around the clouds. The pressure was so intense that she could swear the vein in her neck was visibly pulsing; it was addicting. Only she could handle so much and get them out of the storm that was every night.
There were moments in which she needed more. More, more more. I need more. I need to feel like that again.
At night she wished the sky was clear enough to see the stars. She kept gazing up at the sky from her window, wanting to be closer to them. She felt so tired; moderately satisfied but exhausted nonetheless. Her muscles were tired, the flame inside herself was dying out and she asked herself what came next.
Sometimes she wondered, would she know herself if she wasn’t burning?
Carmy was single again but she felt too resentful to pursue anything; she still had anger that didn’t quite go away and her lungs felt like they were full of flowers and leaves. So she downloaded a dating app and it was a shitshow but she got some decents fucks out of it.
She made them pick her up close to The Bear, so Carmy could see and she could hurt back because she was sure he wanted her. But she was not giving Carmy what he wanted yet; not after he paraded Claire around her restaurant.
Most dates bored her out her mind, no one was interesting. No one was a genius nor they sketched. No one had nice-to-look at tattoos and told her “say more, please”. Was it so hard to ask for someone to look at her like she was the sun? Ugh, everyone was so boring.
There were a couple of guys with whom she had sexual chemistry, so she did themselves a favor and jumped them so they could skip the whole pretending to be interested in what was coming out of their mouths. There was one particular man that was built like Carmy and she liked to close her eyes while fucking and slide into a vivid play pretend.
“You got a type mami,” Tina teased her and Carmy was close enough to hear. Syd grinned at the woman and shook her head sliding her tongue over her teeth.
The guy’s name was Francisco and was a white, blonde Argentinian that was collecting life experience traveling abroad, with mom and dad’s money of course. He was like a puppy, nothing much was happening behind those eyes but man, the dude could fuck. She even let Francisco kiss and grope her outside The Bear because it all felt so exhilarating. Seeing Carmy visibly jealous and obvious, a hot foreign man wanting her so publicly; it was almost like flying. Almost.
“What do you even talk with him about?” Carmy asked one day after she invited Francisco in just for the fun of it. The man kissed the crew on the cheek since that was what they did in his country and everyone was slightly weirded out but charmed by him once it was evident how clueless and just how, well, nice he was.
Francisco was a good guy if she was being honest but she was objectifying him to the max; she only wanted sex and to distract herself.
“He is fun.” She said, shrugging and glancing at Carmy.
“He can’t hold a conversation.”
Syd turned around to hide her smile, Carmy was being embarrassingly jealous.
“Why? Because his English is a little broken? That’s kind of xenophobic of you, Carm.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Well, he is very fun and is obsessed with making me come with his tongue, so I don’t really care much about what he has to say.”
Carmy stared at her like a fish out of the water; some redness creeping in on his cheeks.
“Just saying you could do so much better” He said after clearing his throat.
Carmy had been single for a while and she was getting sick of pretending she didn’t want him. It felt like a thorn on the sole of her foot. Her ambition got them a stable place in the culinary world but she wanted all, not half of it. Maybe it was enough penance for Carmen and she could finally give in.
Francisco was a great way to keep herself distracted and provided fun, but time felt stretching whenever Carmy smiled at her. No one else could do that.
It was a shiny smile and she quickly became addicted to it and to the feeling of his hands brushing against hers. Carmy made her shiver in a way that nobody did while being fully clothed; it was just a touch on her back and she was internally bending over.
Their conversation had been kind of escalating so Carmy frowned when she stayed silent and looked down. Since Carmy stopped seeing Claire he kept choosing her and their restaurant again and again. Month after month he showed up and her romantic goal had always been Carmy. Enough of games and distraction; it was time.
“Hey. You good?” Carmy asked her after moments of silence. “I’m sorry for—“
She looked up and gave a firm nod, she then closed the distance between them; staring eye to eye.
“When you said I could do much better, you meant you?”
She wished she had a hidden camera to catch his reaction.
“N-No, yeah, I mean– no , no, I wasn’t talking about me in particular. I was just saying.”
She touched Carmy’s cheek and felt him shiver slightly. It was so easy, so easy, why didn’t she do it sooner?
“Because you would have been right.”
Carmy’s eyes got bigger and she laid her other hand over his chest, satisfied to feel his heart hammering inside.
“What?” Carmy was short-circuiting and it was delightful.
“ Hey.”
“Hey.” Carmy said, one of his hands touched her side. Its warmth already sending sparks everywhere.
“I’m doing this, okay?”
“Okay.” He whispered.
Carmy nodded and she pressed her lips against his. She felt his arms circling around her waist and pulling her closer.
She kissed him deeper, no air between their bodies and he moaned in her mouth. It felt like her body was about to leave her skin and she felt trapped, dry-mouth in her desire. It suddenly hit her how much Carmy became to her; how undeniable it was.
She wanted Carmy to keep talking to her tongue, to her teeth and kiss her breathless. Her heart was thumping and her body was shocked silent because she was finally getting that feeling again.
“Fuck, I want you.” She held his face to express the intensity of her feelings.
Do you want me back? Say it. Say it.
“Syd, you have no idea how much I want you.” The black of his eyes was taking over the blue and Carmy was suddenly burying his face on the crook on her neck. Licking, kissing, holding her so tight that it felt like her ribs were about to crush.
She gasped feeling his hands roaming under her shirt; it felt like he was sure of himself, like he knew what he wanted. Rough hands full of calluses caressed her so beautifully, it sent shivers down her spine.
She clawed at his clothes and he imitated her; they were alone in the property and she climbed on the desk, removing her pants. Carmy kept brushing his lips all over her skin, face buried on her chest. He kept breathing her in and he almost ripped her clothes off her. She yanked him closer to kiss him and bite his bottom lip.
“Show me.” Show me, show me how much you want me.
“Are you sure? I don’t–I don’t have a condom here.”
She used the last one she had on her bag with Francisco the previous day.
“It’s fine, I’m on the pill.”
She couldn’t be paid to let someone that was traveling around the world and fucking around to fuck her raw; but Carmy was different. She wanted it; she wanted to feel him entirely, impossibly closer.
“But–are you sure?” It would be sweet if she wasn’t so beyond aroused; she was spread open, panties off. If Carmy asked one more time it was going to make her so pissed off.
“Carmy, I’m sure.” She kissed him again, mapping all his torso and back with her hands.
Her skin was singing, she was floating again.
She was on top of the desk but with her eyes closed she felt suspended in the air, lost in pleasure. Carmy held one of her legs up and she was so embarrassingly wet that his eyebrows even raised and he almost looked feral. He started slow, but he soon couldn’t hold back any longer. His hands were gripping her tights, her hips, so hard that it felt like she’d be bruised the next day.
“Syd,” Carmy almost whimpered.
She opened her eyes, there was something in the way she was lifted whenever she heard her name out of his mouth.
I can see it now.
“Do you want me? How bad do you want me?” She asked breathlessly while Carmy encased one arm on her waist.
“So much. So much, Syd.” He groaned and he was hitting the perfect spot so she was soon about to come. Carmy trembled next, shaking so badly; his knees almost giving out.
He leaned into her; both covered in sweat and he tiredly cupped her jaw and kissed her again. Very softly this time.
She looked at him; with him so close, she felt like coming undone.
Her forehead rested against his while they caught their breath and she then hugged him tightly. She felt enveloped in a sunset; the ones she only saw in her dreams.
“Wanna go to the apartment?” He asked her after kissing her cheek. He looked both doubtful and confident.
She looked at him, stunned by everything she was feeling. She built herself around Carmy’s walls; she got in and their lives ended up so intertwined that it would be impossible to separate themselves. Without him, she’d be a shell around nothing, she knew. Carmy was buried soft like seeds deep in her chest.
“Yes, yeah.”
They fucked again after showering. Nothing felt awkward; everything felt like it meant to be. Like the pieces were finally where they were supposed to be.
Carmy took the time to eat her out, making her come twice; probably to make a point that Francisco wasn’t special–he also liked to make her orgasm with his tongue. They fucked, slowly, more tender, in a way she never did. Not with Francisco and not with any person she dated. It felt special, it was special.
“That was something,” Carmy said while stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. They were both laying on their sides facing each other.
It was very late at night; for once she felt slowing down, calmer. She kept thinking that maybe was the night that her dreams let her know that what she craved was closer.
“It was something.” She said smiling and he smiled back.
While laying in his bed, all warm and drowsy; she knew. It all finally felt like flying, that surreal lightness and sense of freedom that came with being so open, so connected to him.
I never want to be without you.
It was him. Maybe she didn't have to keep chasing that feeling, she should enjoy that love was finally taking root in her heart.